04x13 - The Audit

[bunniefuu]

Attention.

I've been asked to read this statement.

"Two months ago, Gina Linetti was hit by a bus, "and the brightest star in the cosmos was extinguished.

"But today, like a phoenix from the ashes, she rises to vanquish"...

This is ten pages.

I can't read it.

Gina's doctor said it was okay for her to come back to work today.

Here she is.

Thank you.

As much pain as I've been in, I can't imagine what it's been like for you...

living in a Gina-less world for two months.

I'll field some questions now.

Anyone?

Uh, how long do you have to wear the...

the...

Metal...

the head holder...

It's called a halo.

The doctor said I have to wear it for another week.

It's drilled into my skull here.

And, yes, I can still hear the screws squeaking into the bone.

So what was it like getting hit by a bus?

- It was awesome.

- Ah, I knew it.

I always wanted to get hit by a bus.

Yeah, I mean, I was legally dead for two full minutes.

- And I met God.

- Tight.

- What does she look like?

- Ethnically ambiguous.

You took two weeks off when Kourtney and Scott Disick broke up.

Are you sure you're ready to be back at work now?

What are you saying, Terry?

You think I can't handle being back yet?

Watch this.

Gina Linetti is back, baby!

- Sorry I'm late.

I was on a call with One Police Plaza.

Apparently crime in Brooklyn is down significantly.

Which means they'll be permanently closing one precinct.

- What?

- We celebrated too soon.

An auditor will arrive shortly.

He'll evaluate us on crime stats, physical plant, fiscal responsibility.

There are 22 other precincts in Brooklyn, so we just don't want to rate at the bottom.

Are they gonna be looking in our desks?

Also, unrelated...

someone left a bunch of swords in my desk.

I have a similar question about browser histories.

- Just throw your computer away.

- Roger that.

The auditor will start by joining Peralta and Santiago on their g*ng stakeout because...

They're America's dream couple.

You need to calm down.

We're in a workplace.

Because their case is a good example of the type of serious crime that still exists in our neighborhood.

So...

Oh.

Looks like the auditor is here.

Isn't that Teddy...

- Amy's ex-boyfriend?

- Yep.

Jake, didn't you break them up?

Yep.

Amy, didn't you tell him to his face he was the most boring man alive?

- Yep.

- This is gonna be awkward.

- Yep.

- We had a good run.

Let's not panic just yet.

Maybe he doesn't remember us ruining his life and stomping all over his heart.

Hey, everyone.

I'm Sergeant Wells.

Jake, Amy, nice to see you.

Teddy, nice to see you, too.

Excited to have you in the field with us.

Good.

I just hope I don't bore you to death.

Ah, what?

Yeah.

What's that?

The crime phone is ringing?

We have to answer it.

Come on, Amy.

BRB.

Okay.

Why'd you have to say he was boring?

Because he is boring.

His favorite app on his phone is "contacts." He's gonna shut this place down, and we're gonna get shipped off to separate precincts.

I don't think our relationship can survive that.

I mean, even if we don't work together, we can still be a couple.

If I don't see you every day, I will forget who you are.

I'm like a goldfish.

Standing in the briefing room...

a space that is approximately 50 feet by 40 feet.

Actually, you know what?

55 feet by 40 feet.

No, 52 feet by 41 feet.

I'll just look at the blueprints at the City Planner's office.

Hello, weekend plans.

Sergeant Wells, have you been to other precincts yet?

How'd they do?

Well, you know, everyone's got their issues.

That's too bad.

I want all my brothers in the NYPD to do perfectly.

The Seven-Four is corrupt.

You didn't hear it from me.

You know what?

We're just looking to eliminate waste.

I assure you, you'll find zero waste here.

Really?

Because I did notice during my preliminary examination that you recently purchased a $21,000 copy machine?

Well, that machine saves money in terms of man-hours.

Uh, if you excuse me, Sergeant Wells, we need to go to the BRB.

It's BRB time.

We're BRB-ing.

- Make space.

- You make space!

This closet is for people who are freaking out.

Oh, I'm fully freaking out.

I just experimented with an unfamiliar acronym in public.

- BRB...

what does it even mean?

- Be right back.

It has the same number of syllables as the acronym.

What's the point?

Teddy knows about the fancy Japanese copier that C.J.

bought...

the one that broke the first time we used it.

Is it supposed to do that?

It was not supposed to do that.

Is this where people are freaking out?

Because we are freaking out.

Teddy dinged the One-Five for having roaches.

So what?

We don't have roaches.

Our rats ate all of them.

That's the problem.

We have rats.

Right, right, right, right, that's worse.

Oh, God, they're gonna shut this precinct down and separate me and Jake.

Our friendship is over.

If he doesn't see my face every day, he'll forget who I am.

He's like a goldfish.

This is all your fault.

You just had to sleep with Teddy, didn't you?

You couldn't keep it in your pants.

- Come on, Charles.

- He's right, Santiago.

Your libido has endangered us all.

Excuse me, guys, coming in.

Wait.

Gina, you sure you can fit in?

I'm sorry.

Because of my injury, I can no longer fit in?

No, I meant physically.

I'll have you know, I am physically as strong as I've ever been...

stronger even.

I'm Gina Linetti, and I can do anything, okay?

Excuse me, please.

Excuse me.

Oh, yeah, this is too crowded.

Shouldn't have wasted my speech on this moment.

To the evidence room.

You two need to figure out how to patch things up with Teddy.

He's still upset that I called him boring.

We just have to pretend that he's interesting.

I got pretty good at it while we were dating.

We just have to smile and nod and agree with whatever he said last.

Great.

Hey, wait a minute.

I'm still not sure who the second-best "Die Hard" villain is, though, you know?

Probably Jeremy Irons.

But maybe it's Timothy Olyphant, or it could be William Atherton.

- Definitely the last one.

- Right?

No, I really think it's William Atherton.

Okay.

We have to engage him on topics that he cares about.

Pilsners...

he loves talking about pilsners.

Oh, my God.

Just saying the word gives me PTSD.

Pilsner-TSD.

- Good one.

- Thanks.

Pull yourself together and go out there and make Teddy feel like he's the most interesting man on Earth.

I want him to think he's Andy Borowitz - when this is all done.

- On it.

We'll go there and make him feel like whoever that person is.

Let's go.

Okay, now what we need to do is fix that infernal copier.

Jeffords, you did a year abroad in Tokyo.

Maybe you can figure out the manual.

It's in Japanese.

I can try, but the only thing I really remember how to say is, "Do you have a bigger door I can enter through?" Bring me solutions, not problems.

Now, what do we do about the rats?

Well, lucky for us, I have recently come into a lot of wolf urine.

That's lucky for us how?

It creates a scent impression that there are predators nearby.

I've been dousing Nikolaj's shoes with it to scare off bullies at his preschool.

- Did it work?

- No, now they call him pee boy.

He's much worse off.

But wolf urine definitely scares off rats.

We can use it to herd them toward the traps.

What about me?

Like, what should I do?

I just thought maybe you could take it easy.

- It's your first day and...

- I'll have you know, I am as strong physically as I have ever been...

- stronger even.

- You already did this.

Yeah, I have short-term amnesia.

I got hit by a bus.

But don't worry.

I am as strong physically as I have ever been...

stronger even.

Fine.

You can help me with the copier.

Detectives have chosen an adequate location for their stakeout.

Teddy, how's it going, my man?

Nice to see you.

I'm glad we get to spend this time together.

- I haven't seen you since...

- You broke me and Amy up.

Maybe.

Probably not.

Who can say when people last saw people?

Anyway, that's the HQ for the 8th Street Killas.

We think they're meeting up with leaders of another g*ng to possibly merge organizations.

Detectives demonstrate a passable knowledge of their operation.

Cool.

So, hey, we might be here for a while.

- Can I offer you a beverage?

- Ooh.

Diet ginger ale...

that is my favorite.

Actually, I shouldn't.

It'll make me all hyper.

Suit yourself.

Too bad we're on the job, right?

Could've stocked that thing with pilsners.

- You like pilsners?

- Are you kidding me?

I kills for the pils.

I'm a total pils-nerd.

What's your poison...

German or Bohemian?

- The last one that you said.

- Good choice.

The last one always is.

Wow.

This is fun.

I could talk with you about pilsners all day.

Oh, let's do it.

Of the Bohemians, what's your fave?

Scharfen...

grelderbrau.

It's new.

Millennials love it.

Cool.

Let me make note of that.

Just caught Detectives S and P in a bald-faced lie.

You don't like pilsners.

You hate pilsners.

You think they're boring, and you still think I'm boring.

No.

No lie.

Detectives S and P didn't lie.

Detectives S and P no lie.

Sargent, please tell me this malfunctioning copier isn't gonna sink our precinct.

I figured out how to turn it on, but the screen just shows a cartoon turtle sobbing.

Perhaps it's a paper jam.

And what about when the little sushi roll comes out and cuts the turtle's head off?

- Toner issue.

- Why?

Anyway, I started taking it apart, but it's been a slow process for some reason.

Hey, Captain, I'm glad you're here to see this.

I'm just about to drink my tea.

Terry.

Can't even tell I was hit by a bus.

That's how independent I am.

Well, perhaps Boyle and Diaz have made more progress with the rats.

We've made absolutely no progress.

It took forever to bait the traps because Scully kept eating the peanut butter out of them.

You can't prove it was me, Rosa.

Now we're gonna use the wolf urine to flush the rats out of the walls and into our traps.

That's where I come in.

I'm going up in the ceiling.

- Why are you dressed like that?

- Mobility.

It's a good thing I still have my sexy-cat costume from Halloween.

I really don't think you were the target audience for that item.

There is nothing gendered about a sexy cat.

Now, please hand me that big jug wolf pee I rub on my kid.

Okay, Teddy, let's not evaluate rashly here, all right?

It's a misunderstanding.

We're not saying pilsners are boring.

We're saying that we are too boring to appreciate them properly...

- is what I'm going with.

- Jake, I agree with you.

Pilsners are boring.

That's why I don't drink them anymore.

- Say what now?

- Amy was right.

When we were going together, I was boring.

It took our breakup for me to realize that.

So you're not still mad at me?

No, no, no, you changed me.

I found my wild side.

My girlfriend and I do 5Ks now.

We took a two-week trip to San Diego last year.

The energy of that place is electric.

But back at the precinct, you said, "I hope I don't bore you to death." That was a joke.

Humor is the tool of the interesting.

Right.

A tool that you have clearly mastered.

Ooh, get this...

my lady turned me on to something called adult coloring books, which we do at...

wait for it...

Jazz brunches.

What?

Aha.

Wow.

It's like brunch is crazy enough on its own, then you throw jazz in the mix.

It's like, "Why are we even doing this?" Oh, my God, that is...

This is fun.

I have not laughed this much in a long time.

Twice.

Reminder...

invite Jake and Amy to jazz brunch tomorrow.

Uh, reminder...

we're in.

Good.

But I am actually gonna email you the invite, if you could just RSVP to that.

I'd feel better if everyone had it on their calendars.

Copy that.

We all have calendars.

So that'll work out great, 'cause we all have one.

How's it going with the copier?

Not great.

I got through to customer service, but I really don't remember that much Japanese.

Hey, Captain.

Update on the rat situation.

Wolf pee's in place, and the traps are set in the evidence room.

I thought we were luring them into the break room.

No, Gina needed it for meditation.

You are strong.

You are wise.

You will have your revenge on all New York City buses.

- Everything else is good?

- Not quite.

We have a Charles situation.

Well, how stuck are you, Boyle?

Completely.

My tail seems to have gotten knotted around a sprinkler.

I think I can pull it.

No, that might break the pipe.

The last thing we need is a flood.

That's okay.

I'm sure you'll have me down in no time.

Incorrect.

That would make a hole in the ceiling.

You're there till Monday.

We'll bring you some food in a bucket.

Sir, I really think...

He'll be fine.

Guava juice, mango juice, orange juice, of course, grapefruit juice, and cranberry juice.

Jazz brunch sounds insane.

But should we talk about how efficient and well run the Nine-Nine is for a while?

We got plenty of time for that.

I'm gonna hit the little boys' room.

When I get back, remind me to tell you all about the omelet-bar station.

- We will.

- You bet.

Spoiler alert...

two kinds of bell pepper.

Oh, my God, he's so boring.

- He's so boring.

- Most boring man in America.

And that's him trying to be interesting.

That is Spring Break Teddy.

How did you ever date him?

Oh, no, he has a really big wiener, doesn't he?

Wait.

Don't tell me if that's true, unless it's not.

No, but then if you don't say anything, I'll know that it is.

Oh, why aren't you saying anything about his wiener, Amy?

- Jake.

- Stop, stop, stop, stop.

I don't want to hear about your ex's wiener.

Just...

you're not making me feel better.

- Why would you do this to me?

- Jake, stop spiraling.

Every time you shake me, I see it flopping around.

Stop.

Oh, look, there's our g*ng leader.

Seriously?

Wow.

Perfect timing, successful stakeout.

There's no way that Sergeant Boring Big Wiener will shut us down now.

- Shh.

I think I hear Teddy.

- You didn't answer.

Forgot the old phonester.

I like to go through my contacts while I go pee.

So you only need to use one hand...

that's great.

Oh, look, it was still recording.

Like, recording recording?

Yeah.

- Oh, this is bad.

- What?

What's wrong?

Oh, my God.

It was recording the whole time.

We said all that bad stuff.

Sorry.

I was so preoccupied with the wiener stuff.

Oh, this is bad.

But while I have you, just stop me.

I know accepting Teddy's jazz-brunch invite was the only way to get his phone back and save the Nine-Nine, but this place is literally hell.

She's doing jazz about brunch.

Maybe it's not too late to get out of here.

We could start a new life in the country, maybe open a small bookstore.

How dare you tempt me with a small bookstore?

- We need to focus.

- Okay.

Look, Teddy's over there.

Oh, and he's in fun, casual wear.

His phone is out on the table, like it always is, because he fears the radiation will affect his testicles.

Which are connected to his average-sized...

- Jake.

- Right.

It's misshapen.

That's all that matters.

All right, here's the plan...

We stage a fight.

It escalates, and I flip over the table in dramatic fashion.

Do we need the table flip?

Amy, when the opportunity presents itself to flip-a da table, uh, you flip-a da table.

And in the chaos, you grab his phone, delete the recording, and we're golden.

Perfect.

All right, let's stage a fake fight.

This'll be fun, right?

Pretending like we have things to be mad at each other about.

Jake's chronic tardiness, his slobbiness, and the fact that he wasted half the morning deciding what sneakers to wear...

those are just some of the reasons we're late.

No one cares about your sneakers, Jake.

Yeah, very convincing.

We're just glad you guys made it.

This is Rachel, my girlfriend.

Hi.

So Teddy said you guys had such a blast - at the stakeout.

- Yes, it was incredible.

Can I really quickly just say the real reason we were late was that Amy insisted on brushing her teeth for 30 minutes?

Two minutes or one minute, 58 seconds longer than you did.

Anyway, can we please st talk to our friends?

- Wow.

Fine.

- Fine.

- So, Rachel...

- Hmm?

- How did you guys meet?

- Oh.

Such a wild story.

So I was on an elevator...

and so was Teddy.

- Oh, that's the whole story.

- I think it's romantic.

I remember when our relationship had magic moments like that before it went stale.

- Stale?

- Mm.

Okay, you want some action, Jackson?

Well, how about I make a scene?

Whoa.

- What are you doing?

- Flip-a-ing de table.

It's bolted down.

Oh, what a shock.

You tried something and failed.

Okay, you know what?

That's it.

I'm gonna slide it right off!

I am so sorry.

I got carried away.

I will now clean this up entirely by myself.

- No...

- No, please keep your eyes on me as I make this sincere apology.

I am sorry.

It's okay.

Something crazy always happens at jazz brunch.

It's the Wild West.

Oh, man, Teddy, look what happened.

Your phone landed directly in this glass of OJ.

That seems almost impossible.

"Almost" being the key word, but it happened for real, and we all know it.

There you go.

That's it.

You've gone too far.

I am storming off now.

No, you've gone too far, and I'm storming off now!

There's something I'd like to show you, Captain.

Terry...

crushed...

it.

It works!

I've never been more proud of you for anything in your life.

I mean, I've solved a lot of cases for you.

And yet crime has continued.

I think we've done it, Captain.

Just heard the traps go off.

Want to come check with us?

- Of course.

How's Boyle doing?

- He's fine.

You know how quickly he submits to his environment.

Where are the rats?

There's blood everywhere.

This is a horror scene.

They must've chewed themselves free.

Detective Diaz, what was in that box?

It's from a closed case in 1986, when they busted the guy that dealt to the New York Mets.

My God, those rats have eaten the purest cocaine in the history of this city.

They know no fear or pain.

And look!

They're back in the walls.

Boyle!

Ah!

The rats chewed through the sprinkler pipe.

They're coked up.

Get out of there.

They think I'm a cat.

Boyle, be careful of the ceiling.

Submit to them!

Tell Jake I never panicked.

Aah!

- My copier!

- My precinct!

Charles!

Charles?

Aah!

They survived the fall!

Run!

That was fun.

We're really good at fake fighting.

And you were amazing at coming up with all that stuff to be mad about.

Yep, totally, I just said all that stuff to save the precinct, and that's all.

Oh, my God.

You don't actually care about my sneakers.

No!

I care about them deeply.

They're all so different.

Okay.

Hey, guys, it's Teddy from jazz brunch.

Hey, Teddy.

It's Teddy from jazz brunch.

- Why is he here?

- I don't know.

But the fake fight's back on.

So shut it, you bigmouthed bitch and your stupid sneakers!

If you don't like my shoes, you can just tell me.

Hi.

Can I talk to you guys about something?

Actually, Teddy, this is not a good time.

We're still having a pretty big fight.

Well, I think what I'm about to say may solve things.

- Amy, I'm still in love with you.

- What?

- What?

- What?

Uh-oh.

Okay, okay, everybody just calm down and take a deep breath.

What the hell is going on, man?

Yeah, what the hell is going on?

- You've got a girlfriend.

- I know.

- And she's fine.

- Thanks.

Sorry.

I was really planning on you being in the cab during this.

Okay, that wouldn't make it better.

- No.

- Amy, I'm just... I'm not over you yet, and I would've never said anything, because I thought you and Jake were happy, but after seeing you at jazz brunch, - I think I might've been wrong.

- Don't read into that.

That was a freak argument.

We are very happy.

Amy, we have all the same interests.

We have so much chemistry.

When we're together, it's like, no matter where we are, it's San Diego.

I feel compelled to tell you that San Diego's terrible.

I'm gonna lay it all on the line.

Amy Santiago...

will you marry me?

- What?

- What?

Okay, really, could you stay in the cab?

I'm sorry.

I'll be right there.

I promise.

Or maybe I won't.

What's your answer?

Teddy, I don't want to be with you.

But you want to be with him?

You guys have nothing in common.

Oh, yeah?

Tell that to William Atherton...

the man we both consider to be the second-best "Die Hard" villain.

She meant it.

And also, yes, we are different people, but I love that about us.

I love that Jake's a little messy and that he cares so much about his dumb sneakers and he doesn't get stressed out about calendars.

- Or flossing my teeth.

- No, the non-flossing is crazy.

Copy that, and I love you.

I'm just so confused.

Your fight was like something out of a movie.

- Teddy...

- No.

I have to tell you the truth.

No.

Amy is dying.

She has one month to live.

Marrying her would be a waste of time.

Jake and I were only pretending to fight so that we could destroy your phone.

While we were on the stakeout and you were in the bathroom, we said you were the most boring man in America, and your phone recorded it.

I'm sorry.

We didn't want you to get mad at us and fail the precinct.

Wow.

You guys are the worst.

Well, you just proposed in front of your girlfriend, so potato, po-tah-to.

Amy, I loved you.

All right, I'm ready to go, Rachel.

Should we hit up the Tenement Museum?

No!

I talked to NYPD facilities to see if they could get an emergency cleanup crew out to us this afternoon.

I received their standard response.

This is on you, Boyle.

You couldn't just suck it up and let a few dozen crazed rats eat you until their hearts exploded?

Don't blame Boyle.

The rats only got into the cocaine because you put the traps in the evidence room.

We were gonna use the break room, but Gina was in there, and she got hit by a damn bus, so nobody can say no to her.

That's it.

Nobody can say no to her.

Answer's still no.

Right, but maybe you should speak to my colleague first.

Hi.

I got hit by a bus.

Wow.

This place looks amazing.

Yes, thanks to Gina.

She's responsible for all of it.

She's an inspiration.

Thank you, Captain.

You have permission to share my story.

So how'd it go with Sergeant Wells?

Let's see.

He proposed to Amy.

She said no, and then his girlfriend dumped him.

- Terry's getting nervous.

- It's worse than it sounds.

There was a jazz brunch involved.

- Oh.

- Oh, my God.

Look, all we can do is hope that Sergeant Wells handles this like a professional and respects the uniform that we all wear.

Hey, everybody, look who's here.

It's me, the most boring man in America.

Well, to be the most anything in America is pretty good.

I mean, it's a big country.

- Teddy, we are so sorry.

- No, you don't have to be.

It's okay.

I get it.

I am boring.

I'm owning it now.

Sergeant Wells, I understand that you're upset for personal reasons, but we're hoping that you'll give us a fair evaluation.

I will not...

'cause I'm not gonna write one at all.

I'm recusing myself.

Oh.

That is so sweet.

Thank you for being such a good guy, Teddy.

Okay.

I can read between the lines, and I love you, too.

Amy Santiago, will you...

- No!

Get up!

- Come on!

Well, for what it's worth, your precinct is immaculate.

I'm sure that your new auditor, Lieutenant Hopkins, will be very impressed.

- Veronica Hopkins?

- That's the one.

Well, the good news is, Amy has not dated her.

No, but I did, and she hates me.

Why can't any of you keep it in your pants?

Hello, Nine-Nine.

I'm Lieutenant Hopkins.

Hello, Terry Jeffords.

Come here and give an old friend a hug.

Hey.

So good to see you.

I'm shutting the Nine-Nine down, and there is nothing you can do about it.

Oh!

This place is fantastic.

This is gonna be fun.

She seems nice.