04x19 - Snow Cups and Fisticuffs

[bunniefuu]

All right, campers, I know we're in the midst of a little heat wave.

A "little heat wave"?

My entire secret candy stash has melted.

It's horrible.

You have a secret candy stash?

You said too much.

Well, I'm sick of hearing all your whining, so I took one of your suggestions to b*at the heat.

- Air conditioning?
- Misting fans?

Hose privileges?

No, off course not.

I got us a snow cup cart.

Chef Jeff, bring her out!

Yes!

No dessert until you finish your dinner.

So slow your roll, candy man.

Follow me, my fellow campers!

She can't stop us all!

(ALL SCREAMING)

(SIGHS)

First trampling of the summer.

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪

♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪


Welcome everyone to my first step class.

Remember, today I am not Chef Jeff,

I am Step Jeff.

Then why are you still wearing your...

I like the hat! Let it go.

All right, now everyone, pick up your one and half pound weights.

All right, let's stretch out with some deep knee lunges.

So get that knee down to the ground like you're proposing to your girlfriend.

Now, pop back up because she said no.

Now laugh it off like you were only joking.

(LAUGHING) Laugh it off. Laugh it off.

(ALL IMITATING LAUGHING)

(PRETEND LAUGHING) What is happening?

Now remember, you're your biggest cheerleader.

So really get that self-esteem back.

- Let's go, Jeff! Let's go, Jeff!
- (THUD)

- Ow!
- (GASPS)

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to.

I'm Finn. How are you?

Besides your face.

Well, Finn, I'm Derek.
And you better watch out from now on.

There's no v*olence in step class, Finn.

Now put your tiny weights down and step away.

Well, hey, there.

If it isn't my two favorite people at camp, together, looking all beautiful and pretty.

What you want, Noah?

I need help making a reel.

A reel? Isn't that a compilation of scenes from your acting jobs?

Normally, yes, but I haven't booked any, and I can't without a reel.

So I've got a chicken or egg situation here, and I don't have any chickens, so I need to make some eggs.

All righty, we'd love to help, but how?
We're not a film crew.

Yeah. I've always been an in-the-spotlight type.

I was kicked out of my cousin's wedding for pulling focus.

Look, I'll handle everything.

I just need an acting partner for each scene and someone to film them with my phone.

Any dum-dum off the street can handle that.

Well, when you put it that way how can we not be flattered that you chose us?

Hey, Gwen, you know why I'm so popular? (SOFT CHUCKLE)

Because of all my "fans."

You're gonna make a great dad one day.

I can't believe it.

- The snow cup cart's been stolen.
- What?

This is why we can't have ice things.

(CHUCKLES) I'm gonna make a great dad one day.

- Who do you think took it?
- I have no idea.

It was locked in the pantry but now it's gone.

A mystery?

Matteo, you should solve it.
You love mysteries.

Well, I do read a lot of mystery books.

And watch a lot of mystery movies.

And eat a lot of mystery meats.

Hey. That's fair.

I'll help you, Matteo.

Don't worry, Lou. We're on the case.

And I know we'll track down the low life

- who took the cart.
- Whatever.

Frankly, I'm fine with it being gone.

I'm still trying to get the shoe prints out of my clothes after getting trampled last night.

Whatcha doing?

Hiding out. I'm a hunted man.

Follow up question. (SING SONG) Whatcha talking about?

This mean-looking kid named Derek is after me.

Because I punched him.

Finn, you punched somebody?

I didn't mean to.

I took Chef Jeff's confusing step class and his girlfriend dumped him, and I was punching the air, and I accidentally nailed Derek in the face!

You know how it is!

Sure. Happens to us all.

Well, Derek is coming for me.

I need you to teach me how to fight.

No way. I would never teach a camper how to fight.

(SIGHS)

Tell you what. I don't think this Derek is really gonna do anything.

I think he's just acting tough.

But if you're worried about it, I'll teach you some defensive maneuvers, so you can get away from him and come get me.

What if I can't find you?

You hide from us a lot.

(SOFT CHUCKLE) I do do that.

All right, everyone ready to sh**t this first western scene for my acting reel?

Do I need the mustache?

I'm swallowing more fake hairs than I'm spitting out.

That can't be good.

- (MESSAGE ALERT)
- Noah, you got a text from your mom.

"Hi, snickerdoodle, I'm mailing you extra-strength ointment

"for all your chaffing."

Don't read my texts.

All right, let's sh**t this thing.

NOAH: Ready and action!

There you are, Tarnation Terri.

The homesteaders you robbed sent their regards, along with a side of frontier justice.

Me! Cowboy Ernie.

What's with these names?

Well, Cowboy Ernie, if you came looking for trouble, you came to the right face!

Place. That's a type in the script.

Oh, that makes so much more sense.

Keep going. I'll fix this in post.

You came to the right place.

You sure you want to do this, Terri?

I'm not just a cowboy, I'm also...

A ninja!

(EFFORT GRUNTS)

(GRUNTING)

NOAH: Oh, no.

(EFFORT GRUNTS)

(GROANING)

(COUGHING)

Okay. I know that was gross.

(CHUCKLES) But I feel so much better now.

Finn's acting suspicious.

And he loved that snow cup cart.

Plus, his secret candy stash tells us he likes to keep treats to himself.

Yeah. We should search his bunk.

Hey! Not so fast.

We'll need Lou's permission.

After all,

I'm the hard-nosed detective who does things by the book.

Well, I'm the rogue loose canon who leaps before she looks.

Let's do this!

Why? It doesn't even have a lock.

Hey! What are you doing with my stuff?

We're investigating the snow cup heist.

And you're a person of interest.

Aww, I think you're interesting too.

No. I mean, you're our lead suspect.

Jackpot!

It's filled with ice.

Looks like someone's going to the cooler.

I found out that means jail.

It's from the mess hall freezer.
I hurt my hand yesterday.

(SIGHS) He's telling the truth.

The ice is cubed, not shaved.

Why do you think it was me?

Noah's the one with the bottle of Red Razzleberry snow cup juice on his night stand.

We've been searching this place for an hour, how did we miss this?

Hey, there, Noah.

Have something you wanna tell us?

All right, my real name isn't Noah.

Don't change the subject!

We wanna know about this!

Tell us about the Razzleberry, Noah!

- Okay.
- (SCREAMS) Or else!

I said, okay.

Lou let me borrow the juice to use as fake blood in a scene I want to sh**t.

But the juice is itchy when it dries.

I sat in a puddle of it, and now I have chafing on my bum-bum.

(SCREAMS) Tell it to the nurse!

Have you seen anyone else acting suspicious?

Or heard anything at all about the snow cup cart?

No. Nothing.

The only person who even mentioned the cart to me was Destiny.

And she was just looking for the key to the snow cup cart pantry.

You didn't find that suspicious?

In hindsight, I see your point.

Can I go now?

I'll ask the questions!

(NORMAL VOICE) Can he go now?

You can go now!

If Derek really wants to fight, you have to come get me.

But, let's say he grabs you from behind before you can?

Just go limp.

Limper. Limper.

Finn, it's time to take a shower.

Perfect. Now, stand up.

Finn, you don't really have to take a shower.

You can never be too careful.

Okay. So, the goal of this next technique is to confuse your attacker and make him acknowledge the confrontation.

Like so... Halt! State your intentions.

You try.

Halt! Line?

"State your intentions."

Halt! State your impressions.

Nope.

Halt! Rate your intestines!

Again.

Halt! Shate your tinmints!

Not words.

Young lady, night approaches, and we've had some horrific animal att*cks in the park lately.

I suggest you leave, before the moon rises.

Well, I'm Doctor Sophia Alessandra-Bronson, professor of nighttime studies at the university, so I think I'll be fine.

What? That's not in the script.

I made some tweaks.

I found the female part very underwritten.

Heck, yeah!

Sure. Fine. Let's just keep going.

The truth is, they aren't your average animal att*cks.

These have been the work of a vicious... Werewolf!

Mr. Park Ranger, while you were talking, night has fallen.

The full moon, my mortal enemy.

I'm starting to change.

Film Destiny.

I'm changing into a werewolf.

- (SCREAMING)
- NOAH: Still changing.

NOAH: Stupid buttons.

Almost changed.

I'll fix this in post.

(VELCRO OPENING)

Okay. I have transformed.

Finally.

(GROWLING)

(YELLING)

Cut.

Why are you in my sh*t?

We need to talk to Destiny about the snow cup cart.

Haven't you guys given up looking for that cart, yet?

It's long gone by now.

Can't this wait?

Are you trying to impede our investigation?

'Cause it's been a while since I've declawed a wolf.

You know what, let's just take five.

I gotta itch my bum-bum anyhow.

And I need to forget I ever heard that.

What do you two want with me?

A little birdie told us that you were after the key to the pantry.

Psst, Matteo.

Noah told us that.

Bird's don't talk.

Thanks, Gwen.

We know you wanted the key to steal the snow cup cart.

I didn't want to steal the cart, just the dumb paper cups.

The whole camp was littered with them, and if I got rid of them, then people would use real cups and bowls.

That could be reused!

And I didn't even got the key to the pantry!

A likely story.

As in, me likey.

All right, you're free to go.

Are you okay?

No.

We've hit a dead end.

All our leads have dried up.

I stink at this.

Matteo, look.

Tracks! Probably from the cart!

Aha, the game is afoot!

No, these are wheel tracks, not foot tracks.

That being said, if you want a foot, I can get you a foot.

- Hey!
- Halt!

Ow! Again?

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to.

- I wasn't trying to hit you.
- I'm going to the nurse.

Then after that, you and I are going to settle this.

: at the story post. Be there.

(KIDS MURMURING)

I'm doomed.

I can never remember appointments.

I'm excited to see these scenes.

Let's watch some of the fight from the one with me as the ninja cowboy.

(CHUCKLE) Not a thing.

(GRUNTING IN VIDEO)

This fighting doesn't look real at all.

Except for that punch.

LOU: (IN VIDEO) Noah, you really hit me.

Oh, that's why.

Maybe the werewolf scene's better.

DESTINY: Aaah.

Oh, no, you're finally a viscous werewolf.

(NOAH HOWLING IN VIDEO)

NOAH: Oopsie, my head came off. Cut.

Yikes. I'll have to fix that in post.

Uh, Noah?

We are in post.

We are? Why didn't anyone tell me?

I can't use this for my reel.

It's ridiculous.

It's okay, Noah. We can try again.

You know, maybe the reason I don't have a reel in this first place is,

I'm just a terrible actor.

I think we're close to finding the cart.

And our culprit.

I know we're gonna solve this...

No!

(SOBS)

It's still cold.

Whoever did this, did it recently.

And they took their time.

Sicko.

I can't believe someone destroyed it.

(GASPS) Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Totally.

But you say it first.

We assumed someone took the cart

because they love snow cups.

But this was a crime of passion.

Passion fruit.

What if our suspect hated the cart?

Lou hated the cart.

And she was mad that the campers were filling up on snow cups and not eating their meals.

And whoever did this, needed access to the pantry.

Yes. That's all true.

Matteo, look.

Aah! The m*rder w*apon.

That lines up with my theory.

I think it's time we had a talk with Lou.

Oh, that was so dramatic when you took off your glasses.

I've been practicing. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
What's going on, Finn?

(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Finn, who's Finn?

G'day, I'm the new Grizzly Cabin camper, Sidney.

Sidney Operahouse.

I guess this means you had another run-in with Derek.

It was terrible.

I accidentally hit him in the face again.

How?

It was all a blur.

No one had a chance to shate their intinmints.

Do you still think you're saying words?

Derek wants me to meet him at the story post.

I'm gonna have to fight him.

Uh, no, you are not.

Because fighting is never the answer.

Take it from someone who's been in a few fights.

Danger and Danger Junior have seen a lot of action.

You named your fists Danger and Danger Junior?

My left hand is slightly smaller than my right.

Stop staring!

I am going to go talk to Derek and get this straightened out.

No. Everyone will think I'm a tattle tale.

Fine. I won't take to him.

But you can't go face him.

But if I don't, I'll be looking over my shoulder for the rest of the summer.

I can't hide like this forever.

I have to prove I can be brave.

Finn, going to the story post isn't brave, it's stupid. Because fighting is stupid.

Promise me you won't go there to meet Derek.

All right. I Promise.

Also, promise me you'll wipe off that goatee.

(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT) Crikey, I thought I was pulling it off.

Hey, Noah, how's it going?

Not great. You saw the videos.

I'm a terrible actor.

Noah, you didn't see the same things that we did in those scenes.

You're not a terrible actor.

Just a terrible writer.

- And director.
- And production designer.

- And costume designer...
- Okay, okay!

If this is a pep talk, let's get to the pep.

Noah, I think your dreams for this reel were just a little bigger than your means.

You couldn't even showcase your acting talents because everything was so complicated.

You should try again, but this time, keep it simple.

Just your great acting, a camera, and definitely something someone else wrote.

Huh, I guess I could do that.

I'll just sh**t some monologues that focus on my acting and nothing else.
Then I'll add ninjas in post.

Sure.

If can tell me what post is.

Fine, no ninjas.

- Finn.
- Derek.

Ready to settle this?

If that's what we have to do.

Prepare to meet

Tina and Race Car.

- What?
- Aha!

You are here!

I don't know who your counselor is, because I don't go to the mixers, but you are not going to fight Finn.

Fight? I don't want to fight Finn.

You don't? But you told me I better watch out from now on.

Because you hit me in the face.

Then I tried to talk to you later and you hit me again.

So I asked you to meet me at the story post so we could settle our issues. Using "I statements" instead of our fists.

So, you never wanted to fight?

Then why do you always have your two g*ons backing you up?

g*ons?

(SOFT CHUCKLE) You mean Dennis and Milton?

The first time you hit me we were coming from our Pacifist Club meeting.

They're staying close because I was afraid of you and hoped you'd find three people more intimidating.

You were afraid of me?

But you seem so mean.

I get that a lot.
My mom says I should smile more.

Derek, I'm so sorry I hit you twice.

They were both accidents.

I feel terrible.

Apology accepted.

May I shake your Race Car?

No. You can shake my Tina.

MATTEO: Lou.

We found the snow cup cart.

And I'm sad to say it's been

- smooshed.
- (GASPS)

Not smooshed!

And the criminal who did it is right here in this room.

Wait, you guys don't think that I smooshed it?

Not you. Come on out, Chef Jeff!

Answer for your crime!

What's going on?

Isn't true that you hated the snow cup cart, because all the campers wanted snow cups more than the food you worked so hard to prepare?

"Hated" is a strong word.

Maybe a bit miffed.

Also, isn't it true that the only person besides Lou to have a key to the pantry is you?

Well, yeah, but I keep my key under the mat in front of the pantry.

Sorta defeats the purpose of a locked pantry, huh Jeff?

Mister My Password Is "Password."

Are you kids accusing me of taking the cart?

And that's all the evidence you have?

No. We also have...

The m*rder w*apon.

The weights are kept in the sports shed.

Anyone can get to them.

That's true.

Guys, I like your theory, but you don't have enough solid proof.

Yeah, you got nothing on me.

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Let me see your tongue again.

No.

Stick it out or I'll go in and get it.

The cart disappeared two nights ago.

Why so blue, Chef Jeff?

Nailed it.

Fine. I did it.

The night you got the cart, no one touched the Mound of Brown I prepared.

You campers turned me into your Mound of Brown clown.

The cart had to go.

- Down.
- Thank you.

I am very disappointed, Chef Jeff.

Normally, this would be a fireable offense.

I know you've been having a tough time lately.

So sorry to hear Margo turned down your marriage proposal.

But don't worry, you'll find love again soon.

Oh, that gives me an idea.

Here. I want you to have this instead.

That's a big step, Step Jeff.

No, I want you to sell it to pay for a new cart.

I'm not proposing.

Oh, cool. Cool.

There you are, Tarnation Tarry.

Did I just say Tarry?
That's crazy. Let's go back.

There you are Tarnation Tarry.

I did it again. Cut.

- (BEEP)
- Tar you are, Tarnation Tarry.

What? It's in my head now.

(BEEP)

There you are, Tarnation Terri.

Take five!