02x02 - Episode #2.2

[bunniefuu]

Daniel, a fax just came through for you.

Really? Yeah, it's just over there.

Are you sure? Because that looks like the printer.

No, I'm pretty sure it's a fax.

I don't think it's... I'm pretty sure it's a fax.

OK.

What's it say?

It's an important message from the Queen.

Show me. I can't. It's top secret.

Hello! Welcome to McCallum Real Estate.

Oh, hi. I'm looking for a rental property.

Oh! Come to the right place.

How many bedrooms were you after?

Uh, just one.

Oh, good choice. Less to vacuum.

There's one in there on Dulgeon Crescent that has high ceilings and low ceilings.

Ahh... these all for 12 months?

Yeah, but we can ask the landlord for a shorter lease.

Were you thinking six months?

Ah, one. Month?

Night. Huh?

Sorry, did you say you're looking for a rental property for one night?

Yeah!

I think what you're after is a hotel.

Can't. Is it full?

No. Um, just can't stay there.

Why not? It's got rooms, with a pub underneath it.

It's the dream.

They'll want to know why I'm not at home.

Ah, well, why aren't you at home?

(SIGHS)

My wife and I don't need the whole town gossiping about us.

Can't you just stay with a friend?

Well, they'd ask, and it'd get around just as quick.

Look, she just needs to blow off a little bit of steam.

She'll take me back tomorrow, I'm sure of it.

One night - maybe two.

Yeah, that's not really our area.

Oh. Well, you must have somewhere that's empty.

I'll pay, obviously. Whatever the annual rent is, divided by 365.

Ah, I'm really sorry, but we can't help you.

Well, where am I supposed to go?

Ah... back home to apologise?

So you're taking her side? No!

You don't even know what happened!

What about a tent? You don't wanna help?

Fine. But I won't be recommending you guys on Trip Advisor!

Well, we're not a hotel!

We should've helped. Em, it's not our job.

The Queen was right about you.

Well, good, because the fax said she's gonna make me a knight.

Sir Fartsalot? No.

Of the Brown Table? Oh!

SONG: ♪ Yeah, we know

♪ Even if we had so far to go

♪ Even if the pace is slow

♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again

♪ If we find

♪ Something to feel that we belong

♪ If we can right all the wrongs

♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again. ♪

Damien and I kiss with our eyes open all the time.

That's so weird.

What? I like looking at him and I like kissing him.

(DOOR BELL DINGS)

Yes, so send me that spreadsheet.

I will put some numbers in it and send it straight through.

Great. Thank you.

I just had a call from Rose next door.

She said Bones starts barking as soon as we leave the house.

Oh, he misses us. That's nice. It's not!

She's sick of it. I expect you both to do something about it.

Uh, leave it with us. Oh! Mail for you.

Oh, sh*t!

What is it?

Tuck shop duty.

I forgot about that. What's that?

Oh, it's a primary school.

They want me to give a speech at assembly and help out at the tuck shop afterwards.

It's a pain in the arse.

I hate wearing those hairnets.

To be fair, I once half-swallowed a long, black hair in a sandwich and it was very ergh, ergh, ergh.

Stop.

Check.

So, what's the speech about?

Career. Life after school.

I did one six months ago. Can't they find someone else?

Daniel can do it! Do what?

Daniel? Public speaking?

A speech at your old primary school.

I hated school. I don't want to go back there.

Don't you want to see your old playground?

The playground where I got bullied? Your old teachers?

The teachers that did nothing while I got bullied?

You know, Daniel, maybe you should do it.

Because you don't want to do it? No.

Might be a good way to raise your profile within the community.

You want to sell a house?

A speech in front of the parents and the teachers could lead to some listings.

(GROANS WEAKLY)

OK. OK, I'll do it.

And you'll look good in a hair net.

A what? Here you go.

When is it? Tomorrow.

Hey, where are you going? For a walk.

Have you finished the speech? I don't want to do it.

What have you got so far?

"Hi, everyone. Thanks for having me."

Bit short. I've got nothing to say.

You should speak from personal experience.

You know, things that are important to you.

Like sunscreen.

That's actually not a bad idea.

I was kidding. You'll bore them to death.

Or I'll save their lives.

What do you wish you'd been told when you were a kid?

I dunno. That this isn't it.

What do you mean? You know, there's more.

Don't worry about school so much.

Going with the school-is-bad angle. Interesting tactic.

No, I'm just saying that they might feel trapped in a small-town school now, but eventually they'll be able to get out and remake themselves.

Go wherever they want. Be whoever they want.

That's what I did and I'm...

Back in exactly the same place?

Yeah.

What would you tell them? Kids?

Um, enjoy yourself.

You're so lucky. No-one's expecting anything from you.

You're a kid, so do what you want.

You don't know how good you have it.

One day you'll be old like me, and it's weird.

It's not fair. Look at your skin!

Why did I have to get old? f*cking kids!

OK, well, I'm just going to tell them I'm not doing it.

I'll call the school and tell them I've lost my voice or something.

Well, you call and tell them I've lost my voice.

How about this? On the way home, we get some mixed lollies, see if that gets you in the mood?

Eh? You wanna get some lollies?

Yeah, I wanna get some lollies. Yeah, you wanna get some lollies.

Gotcha! Good one.

Oh, Em, how are we for toilet paper? I don't know.

When you last went, how much was left?

Personal question. No, it's not.

I don't remember. No-one does. You either have some or none.

Just get some! Treat yourself.

I think we're OK. Oh! Dan. Look at this.

3-minute noodles.

That is so weird!

Do they even know what they're up against?

(PHONE DINGS)

I've got to get back soon. I've got a Skype date with Grace.

You guys are really strict, aren't you?

No. It's just easier if you've got a system.

And a spreadsheet.

Sexy! It is.

Maybe we'll merge cells.

I don't know what that means.

Hi.

Hello.

Um, do you work here?

Yes. Well, just these, please.

Sorry, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

Um, I think that's what the pause button is for.

Honestly, how many of these do you sell?

Let's not give him any more to worry about.

$9.10. Do you want to pay by cash or card?

Cash.

Do you want to join our rewards program?

No, thank you.

What's your name? Daniel, but I said no thank you.

I'm writing down that you don't want to join.

My dad is doing a survey to see if it's worth having one.

Oh, this is silly. Can I just get my change, please?

It's OK. Hey, just calm down. We're going to have lollies soon.

Sorry about him. It's his first time in a shop.

Do you want to join our rewards program?

No, thank you. It's Emma.

Hey, Grace. Sorry, I'll be back soon. Just getting some lollies.

For me? No. Emma.

Thank you. Oh, can I also get a muffin, please?

Oh, sorry. Do you mind if I get the one on the left?

They're all the same.

Well, then you won't mind getting me the one on the left.

You get what you get and you don't get upset.

Grace needs to reschedule but our relationship is still good.

Is, uh... Is everything OK?

I'm trying to buy the muffin on the left.

The big one? Yes!

They're all the same. Oh, no, they're not.

We're allowed to buy whichever one we want.

Well, you just lost a sale.

No, Emma, I'm just going to grab it. Thief!

No, no. Here is the cash for the muffin.

You stole it. No, I didn't. I paid for it.

Not if I don't put it in the register. That's stealing.

That's crazy.

Just give me the one you picked originally.

Actually, you know what?

You two, you're both banned.

BOTH: What? You can't come in here anymore.

You can't do that. Yes, I can.

Management reserves the right.

Where are we supposed to shop? Management doesn't care. Get out!

No, hang on, what if we do need toilet paper?

Out! Well...

No, I'm sure we can talk this through.

Get out! Get out! OK.

Out! Out! Get out!

We're leaving! We're leaving! Get out! Get out! Out!

I've never stolen anything in my life.

I have. What?

Lip gloss, grade four. And hearts.

What? I've stolen hearts.

I've stolen the hearts of men.

Oh, sorry. God!

Oh, package!

It's for you. It's always for you.

You can open it.

I hope it's Travel Scrabble.

What is this?

Oh, great. They've already dropped it off.

It's a collar for Bones to stop him barking.

It'll just give him a small electric shock when he gets too loud.

A shock collar? Yeah.

I've read reviews. That's a good one.

Any written by a dog?

He won't have to wear it all the time - just until he calms down during the day.

What if it hurts him? It won't.

How do you know?

Well, they wouldn't be allowed to sell them if they did permanent damage.

Uh... Pfft! They sell g*ns.

Pet shops don't. I think you should test it.

On what? You. Try it.

I don't have a barking problem. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

See how much it hurts.

If you think it's fine, then I won't say another thing.

You don't have to put it on. Just hold it on your throat and bark.

Until I get electrocuted in the throat?

Yeah. Why are you finding this such a difficult concept to grasp?

Just put on the collar. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

No, it's been tested on dogs, not humans.

Well, you look like a cocker spaniel. Cocker Daniel!

I'm not putting it on. Why?

It hasn't been tested on us. I'm not going to do it.

You think you're better than a dog. Yeah, I just... I don't have fur.

Hi, Greg. Evening, Barbara.

Are you well?

Yes, I do... Prove it!

You think you're better than a dog!

I would have called.

I always think it's best to reprimand in person - part of the service.

Grow up!

Will you two shut up?!

Sorry about that.

Come in. That's OK.

I just had to come around because we've had some reports of Daniel stealing.

What? What?

Did that kid from the shop rat us out?

No, I heard it from Gemma at the bakery.

Oh, are you serious?

And then the Neighbourhood Watch got wind of it...

No, Greg, listen.

I'm going to let you go this time because I know you're just kids being kids.

I'm 34. Just letting off some steam.

No, no. You should let me off because I didn't do anything.

Well, I think you've learned your lesson, hmm?

I'll get going. Thanks, Greg.

Emma and I are...

..banned from the general store.

Daniel, if you're going to steal, at least go into the city.

I didn't steal anything!

The kid wouldn't give me the muffin I originally asked for.

Committing a crime because a 10-year-old made you?

Much better. He's got to be at least 12.

Well, you might as well be a thief as far as the town's concerned.

It's not a good look for the business.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

Get yourself unbanned.

How? That's your problem.

And don't go using anything I buy from the shop until you fix this.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

I hate when things are our problem.

Sorry. My jacket got stuck.

I tried to pull it out, but...

Night.

(SIGHS)

Who wants to inspire some kids today?

Sorry.

No milk? Forget about the speech.

We need to get unbanned.

Oh, brainwave.

Let's just go in after 9:00.

And? He'll be in school.

That's actually a good plan.

Thank you. What's for breakfast.

Cereal with or without water.

Toast?

Eggs? No.

There's a lemon in the fruit bowl.

Forget it. I'll just go to the bathroom, then I'm ready.

Only use individual sheets, please. Personal!

Just these, please. Can't help you. I'm sorry.

Well...

Why?

Obviously we didn't steal anything.

And I was not wearing a triangle.

I'd like to believe you, but I have to side with my son. I'm sorry.

Trying to teach him responsibilities and all that.

You could have told us that before we got all this stuff.

You're not banned from being in the store.

You're just banned from buying stuff.

That's...

Well, have fun putting it all back.

I know you're joking, but that actually is fun for me.

Are you going to eat that? Yes.

This sucks!

I tried to go to the bakery before.

They just stared at me until I walked out.

I thought about what I'm going to say for my speech.

What?

That kid from the shop is bullying us.

He's a bully.

And I'm sick of it. I got bullied at school.

I'm not going to get bullied in real life.

I'm going to tell all those kids that bullying solves nothing.

It just makes everyone involved feel bad.

So no more bullying - not at the shop, not at the school, not anywhere.

Treating people with respect.

That is how you win at life.

What are you doing?

It's just like the movies. Don't get on the desk.

Let me support you.

Watch out for the ceiling fan.

We're don't have a ceiling fan.

What did you want to be when you were a kid?

An adult. Come on.

A real estate agent. Bullshit.

I did. Mum was one so I wanted to be one.

You suck-up! What did you really want to be?

A superhero.

Yeah, you did. What happened?

I don't have good enough teeth to be a superhero.

Maybe you could be the first superhero who covers the bottom half of their face.

You can still flirt with chicks.

Nice.

And you wouldn't have to eat any bugs when you were flying around.

I don't know if I'd want to hide my identity.

What?

Well, if I was a superhero, I'd want to get some credit for it.

You'd only save people to get credit?

No, I'm just saying if I rescued a bunch of people from a nightclub fire, right, when the nightclub reopened, I wouldn't want to have to wait in line.

I'd want to be able to go straight in.

Aren't you worried that if people know who you are, the government will catch you and do experiments on you?

Yeah, that's a good point.

And since when do you go to nightclubs?

True. What power would you have?

Invisibility. Invisibility. I knew it, you perv!

No, it's so I can avoid government experiments and still fight crime.

I would have the power of having the perfect comeback all the time.

Well, that's dumb. You're dumb.

Oh, I already have it.

Look at it! It's so tiny!

Tell me things. Um, fell off that.

Pushed off that. Um, ate dirt there.

Where did you go to kiss girls? In my dreams.

Sat alone there.

Hid in that. I miss this.

If only there was, like, an adult primary school.

Running around, games, colouring in, but, you know, still wine and sex and stuff.

Oh, don't freak out - what if they heckle, hmmm?

Oh, they're not going to heckle with all the teachers around.

They're kids. They're loose cannons. They could say anything.

Let's practise. Do the start of your speech.

Hi, I'm Daniel. What's up with your elbows?

What? Nothing. Where do babies come from?

They're not going to ask, "Where do babies come from?"

He doesn't know. Everyone, he doesn't know!

I do!

Even though we're adults, being in the principal's office still makes me feel like I'm in trouble.

I used to book meetings with the principal at lunch so I could avoid being in the playground.

Oh, hello.

Hi. Um...

You're... The principal, yes.

Great. Good to see you.

How is everything?

Pretty great. Last night, I slept in my car, which was excellent.

I'm sure if you just asked the hotel not to, they wouldn't say anything.

Shows what you know.

Word spreads like wildfire in Rosehaven.

Look, I'm really sorry we couldn't help you.

I'm just here to give my speech and then we'll be...

No speech today. Hmmm?

What? Barbara couldn't do it.

Yeah, I know. I'm filling in. Well, you can't fill in.

We wanted to hear from her.

He's her son. He's like a new and improved Barbara.

Don't tell her I said that.

I worked really hard on it.

Sorry. Doesn't work like that.

Alright. Well, then, I guess we're done here.

Hang on. You're still needed in the tuckshop.

None of parents could do it today.

I'll be keeping a close eye on you, though.

And your sticky fingers.

Gross. We didn't steal anything.

Not what I heard.

Well, no speech, no tuckshop.

We can buy stuff from the tuckshop to eat.

We'll do it.

It's a lot healthier than I remember.

Sugar-free? It's a biscuit.

Is it still a biscuit?

Hi, can I have an almond biscuit, please?

Yes.

You do know you can eat the cardboard in the classroom for free.

Don't eat the cardboard.

I'm sorry you didn't get to do your speech.

This is bullshit. Yeah, it sucks.

I was actually looking forward to public speaking for once.

Why don't you do it anyway? Hmmm?

There's kids, you're talking to them.

Yeah, you're selling them snacks, but you can still inspire them.

Can I have a pastie?

Hey, kid, stay in school.

I'm getting picked up at 3:30.

Good. There you go. $1.50.

Thanks.

And, um, believe in yourself.

OK.

You might have just changed her life.

I was like you once. Italian?

Unsure of myself.

Do not mix Milo and cordial.

There's a big world out there but there's only one you.

Never get a hickey on your face.

Can I please have my bagel? Yes.

And just like the bagel, um, you... you... you may find there's a hole inside you that can only be filled...

She's gone.

I actually didn't know where I was going with that one.

Look at them playing out there.

Why don't I have memories of playing?

Because you never stopped playing.

Look at those three. They're playing a fun hat game.

Hey! Ohh.

Em, they're not playing. They're picking on him.

Really?

Yeah, classic 2-v-1 formation.

No. It's old mate from the shop.

Oh, it is too. Should we tell a teacher?

No. Dibber-dobbers wear nappies.

And telling a teacher doesn't work with bullying.

As soon as the teacher leaves, it gets worse.

Well, I don't know. You're the bullying expert.

Hey! Give it back!

OK.

We should do something.

I've got a plan. Muffin-eating competition?

No.

Please.

Come on, guys. I'm sorry I took so long.

Here are the muffins you asked for.

What's happening?

Well, you know who this is, right?

Um... Tyler?

Brave, using his first name.

His family runs the general store.

So?

Well, so... where do you think your family gets their food from?

Gets their milk from, gets everything from?

I don't know.

Well, you should, because he can cut you off.

I'm banned, and I'm an adult. That means no food, no toilet paper.

Gross. Yeah, gross.

I wish I'd never crossed him because it has ruined my life.

Do you want to end up like me? No.

Well, then, are you going to leave this kid - sorry, Sir - manager alone?

Yeah, smart decision.

Now, I hope you guys have learned that bullying solves nothing.

Hey! Hey! Hey, guys.

I'm Tyler's bodyguard. He's kind of a big deal.

Yeah, I said I'd signal if I needed you.

This guy bothering you, Tyler?

No, no. You don't need to help. Em, it's already sorted.

Just... Can you leave it? No, no, no, no!

You got pets? You like them? Just stop impro-ing.

I'm gonna get 'em!

I'm gonna get them! I did it!

No, I'd already done it. You just threatened some kids' pets.

Sorry!

Take a joke!

Got caught up in the moment.

So you got unbanned, then?

Yep.

Was there a special on toilet paper?

We'll use it eventually.

Man, how good are these noodles?

That extra minute. Who knew?

(DOG BARKS) OK, I'm putting the collar on him.

OK, if you put it on first.

Em, seriously... Just do it if you think it's fine.

Mum, can you please tell Em I'm not testing a shock collar for a dog on myself?

Are you scared?

No.

Well, it seems the dog doesn't get a choice, so why should you?

Alright, fine, you want to g*ng up on me?

Bark.

Maybe it doesn't work on people. Hold on.

Try now. Bark.

Try "woof". Woof.

Louder. (KNOCK AT DOOR)

Woof!

Try "woo-woo-woo". Woo-woo-woo.

Hello? Sorry. Woo-woo-woo.

Sorry. Am I interrupting something?

No, Greg, it's a shock collar for a dog.

What's up?

It's about your stealing.

Oh, Greg, I didn't steal... From the tuckshop.

I didn't pay for the muffins. This is twice now, Daniel.

No, the first time wasn't even real.

I'm going to recommend a short period of community service.

No, Greg, I just forgot! (ZAP!)

It'd just be a day.

(ZAP!) Em!

Oh, is it doing it?

(ZAP!)

OK, stop moving!

(ZAP!) Hold on. Wait, wait. Stop.

Help! Get it off!

It's not that bad.

It's your birthday. Yay.

I promised myself last year that by today I'd have sold a house.

Got any listings?

OK, well, by today, I'll get a listing.

What would you do if you were thinking of selling?

What about a garage sale?

Steve, you mentioned you wanted to sell your house.

How many houses have you sold?

Three. No, no. Zero.

If you can sell everything before I get back, then we'll talk.

Cheer up. At least the school didn't press charges.

If Daniel lets me sleep in his bed and stay on the couch, I might let him do his speech next time too.

Forget it.