02x03 - Episode #2.3

[bunniefuu]

EMMA: Happy birthday!

(BANG!) Oh! Jesus!

Get up! Get up! Let's celebrate.

Come on! Get off. Get off the bed.

Quick! Come on, you're older now. There's less time!

Get up now! Get off! Get off the bed!

Is someone feeling a bit sad about their fragile mortality this morning?

I think I wet myself.

What?

You scared me and I wet myself a little.

No, you didn't. Why would I make that up?

You wet yourself because you're excited it's your birthday?

No. It's because you fired a cannon at me!

OK, don't worry - I've got a plan.

Just wanna get my camera. Em!

Fine.

As your first birthday present, I promise I won't tell anyone about this.

Thanks. Can you please leave so I can get changed?

You got it.

(BANG!) Oh!

Em! Fresh sheets for the birthday boy!

♪ Yeah, we know

♪ Even if we had so far to go

♪ Even if the pace is slow

♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again

♪ If we find

♪ Something to feel that we belong

♪ If we could right all the wrongs

♪ I'll be coming home to you again. ♪

There you go. Thanks.

Don't drink it too fast and... Don't say "wet yourself".

..pee your pants.

Sorry. Too soon?

Yes. It just happened. Check.

So, tonight... What about tonight?

Well, I know how you hate presents.

I never said that.

So I am throwing you one of my patented super-friendship to the max mega parties.

No. It was going to be a surprise party.

Not anymore. Your pants are safe.

I don't want a party. Everyone likes to party.

Yeah, I'm not saying I don't like to party.

I'm saying I don't want to have a party.

Come on. No.

Apart from Grace, everyone I like is in this house.

What about Damien? And Damien.

Mrs Marsh? And Mrs Marsh.

Greg? Yeah.

I'm asking you, as a friend, please do not throw me a party.

As a friend, I feel it's important I give you a positive party experience.

Well, as a friend...

OK, can we stop just saying "as a friend" and just assume that everything we say has "as a friend" in front of it?

There's nothing to celebrate, OK?

I promised myself last year...

You've got to stop making birthday promises.

You know everyone else makes a wish?

I promised myself last year that by today...

..I'd have sold a house.

Ah, OK. Well, you're still working on it.

Morning. EMMA AND DANIEL: Morning.

Happy birthday, Daniel. Thanks, Mum.

What was it this year? Grow a moustache? Go to the gym?

If it was a bedroom thing, I don't want to hear it.

It was to sell a house.

Oh, really? You're going to do the thing I've employed you to do?

That would have been nice.

Yeah, well, the day is not over yet, so...

Oh, you're going to sell a house today. Got any listings?

No.

In my experience, it's hard to sell a house if you don't have one to sell.

OK, well, by today, I'll get a listing.

Really?

Yep.

One house... in my name by the time we close.

I look forward to hearing about it.

I look forward to telling you about it.

I'll see you in there. I'll see...

..you in there.

Good one.

GRACE: Daniel, you're going to be fine.

I should have said, "By the end of the day, I'll touch a house."

Just... done. That I can do.

You've got until 5:30.

That's heaps of time!

Too much!

Maybe I can take the batteries out of the office clock.

She's got her phone, though.

And the sun will go down eventually, which she's going to notice.

Dan... you're pacing, aren't you?

Yes. Sit down.

Take a breath. It's all going to be fine.

I wish you were here with me.

Yeah. MAYBE you're in for a little treat.

What? Come outside right now.

Are you serious?

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Did I get you?

Yes.

Was that bad?

No. I liked it.

Good prank. Sorry.

Yeah, I have to get back to work, but promise me you'll have an excellent rest of your birthday.

I promise. OK. See you, Dan.

Bye. Love you. (HANGS UP)

What else can we do?

Yes, Emma? Have party.

I don't want to have a party. I want to get a listing.

Get listing, then party.

Got it. Come on. What would you do if you were thinking of selling?

Call you. Thanks.

Anything else?

Try and reconnect with a friend who had a ute or a van, see if they could help me move.

What are we missing? All these take too long.

What about a garage sale? Huh?

You know, garage sale - empty the place out before you leave.

Oh, yeah. Good thinking.

Maybe there's one on the notice board.

Nice work.

You can thank me in your speech at the party.

I will thank you over Skype while I'm home in my pyjamas.

Come on.

Don't you even want to know what we're doing tonight?

Maybe it's paintball.

Rosehaven doesn't have paintball.

Maybe it's bowling. Or a bowling alley.

Maybe I built one.

What did Barbara get you? Hmm?

Same thing she gets me every year - $50 and a card.

No gift? That is a gift.

No. That's like a birthday wage.

It's a perfect gift. I can buy whatever I want with it.

It's better than a voucher. What are you going to get?

I've actually been saving to go away somewhere with Grace, just surprise her with a trip away.

Oh, that's lovely.

Still, wouldn't you prefer something more personal from your mum?

Well, that's what the card's for.

What did the card say? "Happy birthday, Daniel."

That's beautiful.

Has no-one heard of the internet?

"Advanced papier mache class. No time-wasters."

Is that possible? "Learn to cut your own hair."

Or this one. "Paul has leaf-blower" and his mobile number, that's it.

No other information. Nothing about how much, when he's available.

"Has anyone seen my yoga pants?"

It doesn't even say if he's for hire. Maybe he's just bragging.

Oh, Em, here we go.

Garage sale. It's a bit of a drive, but it's today.

Great!

I'm going to call that guy.

"Hey, Paul! Thank God.

"I need someone with a leaf-blower who doesn't ask questions."

(SNORTS)

Hey, guess what? What?

It's your birthday! Yay.

Why aren't you more excited?

Because I don't want to be reminded that I'm getting older.

I miss when you were young and doctors would always say stuff like, "You don't have to worry about that for ages."

Or like, "Yeah, but you'll be fine for ages."

And now they're like, "Yeah, you should probably start worrying about that."

I'll be OK as long as my eyes and hands work.

Everything else can go. Why?

So I can play video games. Oh. You'll be fine.

Men age well. Really?

George Clooney is 86.

Judi Dench 35.

Judi Dench looks great.

The worst part is that your ears and nose never stop growing, because they're the biggest features I have now.

It's not fair. What are you talking about?

Your ears and nose keep growing your whole life.

No. Yeah.

Mrs Marsh is old and her nose is tiny.

Well, it must have been even tinier when she was young.

If that were true, couldn't they use the cells from your nose to work out the secret to eternal life?

I'm looking it up.

Ha. Ears and nose grow as you age. Suck sh*t. It is true.

Why me suck sh*t? You don't want it to be true.

Oh, yeah. Oh, no.

(GASPS) Oh, my gosh. They don't actually grow.

It's gravity.

The cartilage breaks down, so they lengthen.

Eugh!

My face isn't going to be able to hold my nose up.

It's going to slide off my face.

Look at yours. Yours isn't going to go anywhere.

Thank you. It's a little pixie nose.

How do they stop people from just stealing stuff?

By selling stuff no-one wants to steal?

You need to check out these books. Anything good?

Make Fate Your Mate:

Pre-Determination and Its Effect On Interest Rates.

OK.

Embrace The U In Universe.

The Astrological Entrepreneur:

Make Your Business Shine When The Stars Align.

20 bucks?

What is this guy's job, corporate wizard?

I don't care as long as he wants to sell his house.

Is that Damien?

Oh, Emma, hi.

Why were you standing there like that?

I was waiting for you to notice.

I had to spin, like, three times before you were looking.

Oh. Were you following me?

No. Just looking around.

This is like your house, if it was outside.

My house is outside.

Oh, right, yeah. Is this new?

Yeah. Just bought it off Steve.

Oh, is that the owner? Whereabouts is he?

Just look for the only person who gets to sit down.

There.

OK.

Ooh, you should buy a book to break the ice.

How about... Can you find a normal one?

Um... here's one about the share market.

Yeah, perfect. And how it's affected by moonbeams.

WOMAN: $20 for a second-hand book is robbery.

You wouldn't pay $20 to dramatically increase the quality of your life?

Oh!

Hi. Ah, Moon Booms.

A classic. Are you a trader too?

Um, yeah, yeah. I've been, um...

I've been thinking about it.

Use the moon phases as a guide only. It's important.

Still do your research into the company you're looking to invest in.

OK, will do. Um... thanks.

$20, please.

Yes, of course.

Uh, how's it going today?

Excellent. Although, I knew it would be. Jupiter is in retrograde.

Yeah. Um, listen, I...

..I don't suppose you're planning on moving, are you?

Well... yeah. As soon as I've sold the place.

Really? That's great. Sorry, I'm Daniel, by the way.

Steve. Nice to meet you.

It's... Sorry, I was just going to say that...

$20. Yes, of course.

Um... I don't suppose you take card.

Um... I'll be... I'll be... I'll be right back.

I think you look amazing.

I kind of miss arm holes.

You look like you've just put your head through a pancake.

Do either of you have $19.10?

No. I have a credit card with a lot of debt on it.

Sorry, Dan. Spent it on the jacket.

Great. How'd it go?

Yeah, he wants to sell, but I didn't have enough money for Moon Booms.

Who has cash anymore?

Buskers. That's it. Yeah, but buskers get cash from...

Just go back and talk to him. You've got birthday luck all over you.

Oh, happy birthday, Daniel!

Thanks, Damien. What did you get him?

What for? Never mind.

There must be an ATM nearby.

No, no. Come on. You've got this.

I'm right behind you. We're on a deadline.

I'm going, I'm going.

No. IOUs on the book, I'm afraid. I've been burnt before.

Uh... Oh, no, sorry.

Steve, you mentioned you wanted to sell your house?

Yes. Although if you can't afford the book, I doubt you'd be able to match my asking price.

Oh, no, well, I'm actually an agent with McCallum Real Estate and I would love the opportunity to sell your property.

I'm fine, thanks. I'm selling it myself.

Yes, but with my knowledge of the market and access to several different advertising strategies, I know I can get an excellent price for your home.

How many houses have you sold?

Recently, or...?

Any time.

Three? No, no, no, zero.

(SCOFFS) No offence, but I'm not going to pay someone to sell my house when they've got as much experience as I have.

Yes, but... He's a very good salesman.

Is he? Yeah.

OK. Prove it.

Sell something. Now?

Sure.

In front of your very eyes, Daniel will sell...

..this to that guy.

My grandmother's epilator?

Yep.

OK.

OK.

Em, do you know what an epilator is?

No. So what?

It's an old, inefficient, extremely painful hair-removal device for women with... with no charger, and you want me to sell this to that man.

How do you know so much about it?

My mum had one. I found it in the bathroom once.

It's a t*rture device.

My leg hurts just thinking about it.

Well, you sound like an expert.

Who better to close this deal?

Yeah.

Um, excuse me?

Yes? Hi.

You look like you know your way around in a garage sale.

I do OK.

Well, I believe in karma, and I've found a bargain and I just... I've already blown my budget, but I thought if I tell you about it, then maybe something nice will happen to me in the future.

I appreciate that. What have you got?

I've got... an antique massage...

It looks like an epilator.

It is an epilator.

Listen, sorry, um, can you please buy this off me?

I don't want it. Yes, I know that.

But that man won't let me sell his house unless I sell this to you.

I don't need an epilator.

I will give you $10 to take it off my hands right now.

Let's see it. I don't actually have any cash on me.

Would you take an IOU?

No. Thanks for your time.

I was so close.

If Emma hadn't have grabbed an epilator...

I mean, there were so many non-epilator things she could have grabbed.

GRACE: Dan, are you rubbing your face?

Yes.

Grace, this is OK, right?

Not seeing each other for long stretches?

Yeah. Uh...

I mean, I think so.

I mean, I don't like it, but I think we're OK.

Yeah... I mean, it's...

Come on. Let's go.

I'm on the phone.

You're on the clock. Come on.

I've had an idea. I'm talking to Grace.

Hi, Grace! Hi, Emma!

Let's just go. No.

Grace, tell Daniel he can do this.

Daniel, you can do this.

Thanks. That means a lot.

OK, I'm going to let you guys go. Good luck.

No, no. Wait... Get out!

So how about this? Tell Steve it's your birthday.

That... that's your idea?

Make him feel sorry for me? Yeah.

But also... you saw those books he was selling.

He's a spiritual kind of guy.

So? Birthdays are very powerful days.

He'll know that.

Maybe if he thought about it, he'd see that there was a reason he met a real estate agent today, an agent whose birthday it is.

Steve, it's my birthday.

Um... happy birthday.

Thank you.

I'm telling you that because I believe we were destined to meet today.

Really? Yes.

I was reading the, um...

..The Universe And You...

Embrace The U In Universe? Yes. That's the one.

And just think about it -

I mean, what are the odds that at the exact same time you want to sell your property, a real estate agent shows up on your doorstep?

You know what? I'm pretty hungry.

Why don't you take over? Um... take over?

If you can sell everything before I get back... then we'll talk.

Sell...

..everything at your garage sale that you couldn't sell because no-one wanted it? Yes.

What about fate and my birthday and all that?

Yeah. Predestination just shows you the path.

You have to choose to walk it.

So now is your opportunity to make fate your mate, which is also a really great book that's still for sale over there.

Look, I understand if you're not up for it.

Oh, no, no, no. I'm up for it.

Fate's going to... love me. Alright.

He's going to be making out with fate when you get back.

OK, then. Him and fate...

Oh!

There's only one shoe.

That is the last one left.

Because the other one sold like that.

Why would I buy it if it's got no power cord?

Um, because it saves on electricity?

I don't want fish. I don't need the hassle.

Sometimes it's handy just to have a glass box filled with water, like, if your hands are on fire.

Great present for Mum and Dad.

They've already got a toilet roll holder.

Yeah, but when you've got, um... two in the one house...

..man, that's... that's something special.

You know who likes a pillow read? Everyone.

Stay upright? It's been...

I just think you're making a terrible mistake.

I think you need this, and, like...

So would you regard this as the best birthday ever, or just top three?

It's OK.

All this will be forgotten once we are partying it up tonight.

Do you want to practise your crumping?

No more party talk. I've got half an hour left to get rid of this stuff.

Maybe there'll be a mad rush any minute now.

Do you think Damien'd want the rest?

I know it seems like he would, but no.

He's a weirdly selective hoarder.

(SIGHS) I'll buy it.

What? I'll buy what's left.

I've got Mum's birthday money. I've got my savings.

No way! That's for Grace!

You're not blowing all your money to maybe get a listing.

What about his overpriced books?

There's, like, 1,000 bucks there.

Yeah, but if I can sell Steve's house, I can get the money back, so it's kind of an investment.

Em, can you please just call Damien, tell him to bring his van over.

I'll put what I can in my car and go get some cash out.

If we're quick, we can get it done before Steve gets back.

Fine. But I am keeping...

..this 3-legged horse figurine.

Well, it's technically mine if I'm buying everything.

Can I have it?

Yes, but it's your Christmas and birthday present.

Come on!

Wow.

You even got rid of the good-luck carnelian smoky quartz.

Yeah, yeah, it was... it was tricky.

So, Steve, if you'll just sign this agency agreement, we will get your property out on the market.

You can even choose which colour, although blue and black, I think, are the only ones legally binding.

I'll think about it.

What?

I will think about it.

I mean a garage sale's one thing, but selling my house...

I mean, that's... that's a big decision.

It is, yes.

But it is, um... getting late so it would be great to get an answer now.

I will be in touch.

I've got your details.

Thank you. Thank you so much for this.

It's all in the van. How'd you go?

I can't believe I spent all my savings for no reason.

He said he'd think about it.

That means no. Weird.

It sounded like it means he'll think about it because that's what he said.

Yeah, but that's what you say to people when you don't want to say no to their faces.

I use it all the time in clothing stores.

Do you think I'm going to look someone in the eye and say no after I've tried on two jumpers?

I say, "I'll think about it," then I leave and never come back.

GEZ: Danny's right.

People do that to me all the time.

But then I see them around town and I remind them.

Remind them? Yeah.

I saw Greg at the pub last night and I was like, "Have you decided about those trousers you tried on?"

And? He said he'd sleep on it.

He's never buying those trousers.

BARBARA: Did you see him?

Who? Steve.

He just left. What? What?

What did he say?

He said he wanted to let you know he would be interested in using your services.

Yes! Yes! 5:24pm.

Fate IS my mate.

But you weren't here, so he and I had a chat and I signed him.

You signed him? Yes.

Not me? You're quick.

You could have called.

I was just down the road unloading his stuff, which I bought.

The op-shop wouldn't even take it all.

My car is full of good-luck rocks, which obviously don't do anything, or this wouldn't have happened.

Daniel, sales is tough. Sometimes you just miss out.

Oh, yeah, but...

However... I thought you could take the lead on this.

You're... giving me the listing?

Steve's OK with it.

Figured I'd surprise you on your birthday for a change, even though I still think cash is a good gift.

It's a great gift. Um...

Mum, thank you.

You can thank me by selling the place.

I will. I promise.

Party time!

(INDISTINCT UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)

Ready? No.

Surprise. Oh, wow.

Ta-da!

So no-one came?

No-one was invited.

It's just you, me, drinks, my iTunes play list, all your favourite snacks, and a projector we can watch movies on if we want.

So no big party?

There was never going to be a big party.

You would have hated that. I'm not stupid, you moron.

You were listening.

But I thought how much better would it be if all day you thought it was going to be a surprise party and then - surprise! No party.

Uh... yeah, I mean that's a very complicated way of doing things.

But, no, Em, this is... this is great. Thank you so much for doing this.

Also, I did invite Damien.

I hope that's OK. Yeah, of course.

(PHONE RINGS) Oh, sorry.

That's alright.

Hi, Grace. GRACE: Hi!

How's your birthday evening going?

Uh, yeah, pretty good actually. I got a listing.

Daniel, that's great!

Yeah, thank you. It'd be nice if you were here to celebrate it, but...

Maybe you should come outside.

Oh, no, Grace, I was joking before. That's actually a really bad prank.

Sorry, I'm never really good with pranks.

(DOOR OPENS) Sorry, what was that?

I said I've never really been good at... pranks.

Sorry. I had to run the last bit

'cause I was still outside when it was a perfect part of the conversation to appear.

You're here! I am!

How long?

There's a research project coming up next week.

I asked if I could do it in Tassie. They said yes.

Vomit.

Hi, Emma. Oh, hi, Grace!

Fancy seeing you here. You knew?

Double whammy!

Do you have any idea how hard it was not to tell you?

Uh, very? Any idea?

I have probably got an ulcer and you're all like...

(BALLOON POPS) Ah!

"You didn't get me a present!"

Thank you. Thank you. "Whine. Listing. Whine. Girlfriend."

This is what happens when you let Emma throw you her super-friendship to the max mega party.

Yes, but to be fair, it would have also been great if I had known Grace was coming - would have made the day a lot easier.

Yeah, I would have preferred that too.

There's actually a few times today I could have used the boost...

You're welcome! I'll get us some drinks.

Thank you.

Thank you. It's OK.

This is great. Hey!

Very much appreciated. (MACHINE WHIRRS LOUDLY)

Paul! (SCREAMS)

Stop it!

You said short blonde, green jacket.

Yeah, you were supposed to be here 10 minutes ago to give her a windswept look before Daniel saw her.

Well, I was on another job.

And you stood too close. Look at her hair!

I'll fix it.

No! Paul!

No, Paul! Stop it!

(SCREAMS) Paul, stop! Stop it!

sh*t.

BARBARA: Had tons of blackouts when you were a kid. Don't you remember?

I remember not being a big fan of them.

Because your night-light went out? Yes, actually.

Do you think it's weird she's never said, "I love you"?

What if Damien is only with me because we keep doing fun stuff.

Oh, no, Em, there's no way you'd still be going out if that was it.

We can't see each other any more.

What's up your nose tonight?

This has been a long time coming...

He makes a new birthday promise every year.

Right.

So what's this year's going to be?

Um... I think it's got to be to sell Steve's house.

Really? I would have gone with don't wet yourself.

What?