02x05 - Episode #2.5

[bunniefuu]

Mrs Marsh, do we have any fancy paper?

I wanted to write a letter to Steve to thank him for listing his house with me.

No.

Does anywhere else in the office have some or...?

(DOORBELL CHIMES) Good morning.

You're late, again. I know. Sorry.

Damien and I had a competition to see who could sleep in the longest but still get to work on time.

So you lost?

I was gonna win but I forgot I asked him to draw a goatee on me last night.

Right.

Took ages to get it off, then Damien gave me a lift in because he felt guilty about the goatee, and because he's the best boyfriend ever and because I don't pick up my new car until tomorrow.

Sorry, what?

Yeah. I bought a car last night.

You bought a car?

Yeah! Emma is mobile!

Look out, world.

Well, Tasmania.

Or the mainland if I put it on the ferry.

Did you even do any research? What type of car?

I dunno. Blue.

You don't impulse buy a car.

And yet I have. Ugh.

What did you and Grace get up to last night?

Watched TV.

Cool.

I don't want to nag but I really need you here on time at the moment.

I'm gonna be leaning on you a bit more so I can focus on selling Steve's house.

You've got it. What can I do?

Just handle everything related to rentals, I guess.

Can do. Consider me head captain rental.

Let's go with property manager in public.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Hi, Steve. Good to see you. I was just talking about you.

I wasn't talking about you. I was talking about your property.

I was talking about how I was gonna sell your property.

What can I... what can I do... for you?

I have a problem with my neighbour.

76 Cyclicet Road.

That's a rental you manage?

Uh, it is, yes.

If you're having any difficulties with a tenant, Emma is our resident...

Rent boss.

She'll be happy to help you out.

My neighbour has a mirror hanging above their door and it is blasting negative energy directly into my house.

That's a new one.

♪ Yeah, we know

♪ Even if we had so far to go

♪ Even if the pace is slow

♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again

♪ If we find

♪ Something to feel that we belong

♪ If we could right all the wrongs

♪ I'll be coming home to you again. ♪

So Steve, this mirror...

It's pointed straight at me.

I mean, I'm a reasonable person but I have my limits.

Of course.

This kind of energy pollution is ignorant and irresponsible.

I've worked hard to create a balance in my home space, one that's conducive to both gentle meditation and astral travel.

I can't have this.

I've always wanted to astral travel.

No airports.

We'll get her to take it down.

Good. Do you think I could afford to be cancelling meetings so I can stay home burning lavender to realign my house's chi?

No?

No.

Oh, sorry, Steve, just quickly, I was hoping to go to your property today to get some photos for our advertising.

No photos until this is fixed.

Bad energy in the photos.

Of course.

Leave it with us.

All part of the service.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

What was that? Do you think he's joking?

Is this some kind of test?

You knew he was into that stuff.

Yeah, but I thought it was just affirmations and good luck charms, not magic mirrors.

I wonder if he does spells.

76 Cyclicet Road.

Oh, thank God. It's Gez. I'll go talk to her.

No, I've got this.

I'm the tenant...

I'm David Tennant manager.

That was terrible.

You take that back. He is everything.

No, the name's terrible. I like David Tennant.

Oh, I thought of a cool name for you.

Yeah? Shitface.

It's one of these?

I thought it'd be bigger.

No, I got a bunch of them dropped in.

Put one up at home. I paid for it.

I don't just take home things that I like.

Someone told me they reflect negative energy and so I thought, why not?

That's what Steve said.

Apparently the mirror's blasting negative energy straight into his house.

He wants you to take it down.

Oh.

I mean, I...

..I don't want him to feel uncomfortable, so I...

Yeah. I'll take it down as soon as I get home.

I know it's dumb but having it up has kind of made it feel nicer at home.

Did it? It's silly.

I don't think so.

I go to psychics sometimes.

Really? Yeah.

It's no different than going to church, right?

I mean, some people might like to listen to a man talk about a man in the sky.

I'd rather listen to a woman in a purple dress talk about me for half an hour.

It makes me feel better.

Yeah. Why not? What's the harm in it?

Exactly.

I kind of wish I didn't have to take the mirror down now.

Mum, have a listen to this.

"Charming and subtle, this two-bedroom oasis..."

Why oasis?

Uh, sounds nice?

You haven't said what kind of property it is.

Is it a house, an apartment, a castle?

At the moment we've got a two-bedroom spot in the desert where you find water.

I'll change that.

"This two-bedroom house nestled in the outer rim of Rosehaven

"is perfect for a young family or singles who love entertaining..."

Why young family and why only singles who love entertaining?

I'll take that out.

"Boasting two glorious bedrooms..."

Take out 'boasting'. Everyone uses it.

I will.

"A sumptuous kitchen..."

It's got an expensive kitchen, has it?

It's... OK.

I'll take that out.

"This property has a real wow factor."

I'll take that out too.

I also wrote Steve a letter just to thank him for choosing me as his agent.

I thought it might add a nice personal touch.

'Appreciation' has one C.

What? (DOORBELL CHIMES)

Hey. How did you go with Gez? All sorted?

She says hi.

OK. Obviously I say hi back.

Will she take down the mirror?

Nope.

You said you'd take care of it.

Why should she have to take it down and get all that negative energy in her place?

You mean you actually believe in that crap?

Maybe. If it didn't do anything, why would they make them?

Are you serious? So many reasons.

What's going on?

Daniel's trying to make me sell out a tenant.

Em's trying to stuff up my tenant...

What's going on?

Steve's worried that a mirror hanging above his neighbour's door is blasting negative energy into his house.

Which it's not.

Google says it's just diffusing and dispersing it into harmless air.

You can't prove that. You can't prove it's not.

Just because something's invisible and unprovable doesn't mean it's not real.

That's exactly what it means.

Well, who cares if it's real or not? Gez pays rent.

Why shouldn't she be allowed to have a mirror up if she wants?

Because we said so.

You're a property manager, she's a tenant.

Just tell her the landlord would prefer no outdoor dressings or something.

It doesn't matter.

What's important is selling Steve's house.

Important to you maybe. Tenants have rights too.

Mum, will you please tell her she's being unreasonable?

No, because she's right.

Yes! Suck it, Shitface.

Steve's right too.

You believe in that stuff?

No, but if Steve does, you should listen to him.

I had a client once who wanted me to remove a satellite dish because she was convinced it was gonna attract aliens.

That's not true, is it?

What did you do?

I went and spoke to her and said I understood the issue, but fortunately that particular satellite dish was too small to attract any aliens.

And that worked?

Yeah. Sometimes people just need to be taken seriously.

Imagine if aliens landed on earth and the first alien that comes out of the ship is naked.

We'd think, "That's normal. Aliens are naked."

Then a second alien comes out of the ship wearing clothes.

He's like, "Gary, what are you doing?"

Shh, shh.

Hello, Steve Larsen speaking.

Hi, Steve, it's Daniel here from McCallum Real Estate.

Yes. Has she taken it down?

Not yet. And can I just say, I am as upset about this as you are.

That'd be hard but thank you.

No, thank you for bringing it to my attention.

Now, in terms of solutions...

She takes it down.

Or I've actually been doing some research and might have some alternative ideas.

For example, you could put up a mirror of your own and trap the energy in between the two properties.

So, the negative energy just bounces back and forth.

Or, uh...

Or, um, place a bowl of salt in each corner of the house which faces the north-east and south-west directions.

So you mean on top of the bowls of salt I already have there or...?

Yeah, so that was... that was a joke. Um...

I've got an article here by a doctor of, um, wellness.

Wind chimes on the left hand side of your door could diffuse the negative beams and encourage financial success into your life.

Wind chimes!

Would you put a band-aid over a transcendental field?

Um, transcendental fields can be tricky.

But... I don't need advice.

I need action.

If you need some help with your motivation, get some fluorite, tourmaline, haematite and black onyx.

(HANGS UP)

Do you want me to see if the milk bar has any black onyx?

(SIGHS) Let's go talk to Gez.

You'd change sides for me?

I'm not changing sides.

I'm just saying we could have a similar discussion with her and maybe she'd be happy with one of the alternatives.

Yes, great idea. Thanks, Em.

But I will be there to protect her rights as a tenant because I am Lord Rentington III.

I thought of a name for myself.

You don't like Shitface?

King Sells-A-Lot.

Oh, yeah. Where's your crown?

Sold it.

Nice.

Are you sure this wind chime thing will have the same effect?

Yeah, according to a doctor...

..of wellness.

But if you have any issues with your transcendental fields, let us know.

Look, I'm happy with the wind chime thing instead if it's bothering him that much.

It's more of a comfort thing, really.

I didn't know you believed in this stuff, Daniel.

Yeah, well, they wouldn't make them if they didn't do anything.

So you'll take down the mirror as soon as you get home?

Yes. Oh, thank you, Gez.

If I sell this house, I'll give you half.

I appreciate that.

Are we done here?

Can I get off work early?

By the time we get back to the office, it'll almost be nearly five o'clock.

I'm going to Damien's.

Yeah, Em, it's fine.

You know that game with the tower of blocks where you try to pull them out without it falling over?

Yeah. We're doing that with encyclopedias.

You guys want to come?

I can't. I've got book club. Online.

I'm hosting the stream.

Grace has got to get up early tomorrow for a conference, so I think we'll just have dinner and go to bed.

So, the same thing you do every night?

Well, sometimes we watch a movie if it's a Friday.

Or just sit together.

You sit together?

Oh, sorry, I thought you were gonna say something boring.

Nice.

You can do activities with anyone.

It's the quieter moments where a good relationship shines.

What do you mean by that? Nothing. I just...

I think she's asking if you're saying that her relationship's not as good as yours.

Thank you, Gez. I wasn't saying that. We're better. We have fun.

Do you and Grace not have fun? Yes, we have fun.

We just don't need to fill every second of every day with activities.

Do you know what? You're not invited to encyclopedia Jenga anymore.

Well, to be fair, I didn't want to come, so...

(DOOR CLOSES)

Gez, I was... I was joking before about giving you half.

Hm?

Half of the sale of the house.

I was joking before about...

Doesn't matter. See ya.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

Yes! Thank you, J to K.

This isn't disrespectful to, like, knowledge, is it?

No, we're not burning them.

Hey, we'd still have fun if we weren't doing anything, right?

Like when we're sleeping.

No.

When was the last time you and I had a night in?

Now?

No, I mean a night in just sitting around.

Like at the pub.

Yeah, but without heaps of alcohol and at home.

Um...

Um...

Grace...

Are you bored? Hmm?

No, I love biomedical engineering. I can't wait for the conference.

Oh, no, sorry. I meant, um...

..with us.

No, why?

Well, you know, I just feel like...

..we come home and we... go to bed.

We do do that.

Yes. Are we stuck in a rut already?

Well...

EMMA: Whoo-hoo-hoo!

(LAUGHS, SHRIEKS)

Are you OK? (LAUGHS)

Sorry. Ow!

Maybe we need more padding for dodgem chairs.

Noted.

(SIGHS)

We talk about stuff, right?

Like what we're gonna do next.

Yeah.

You know what?

We're never gonna run out of things to do, so it doesn't matter anyway.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS)

It's Gez. You think of the next activity.

Invent a new smell. Sounds good!

Hey, Gez. What's up?

You did what?

What's got you so worried tonight?

I just...

Emma and Damien are doing stuff constantly and Em's always rolling her eyes at me when I tell her we're doing nothing.

Well, I mean, it's not a Friday but...

..maybe we could watch a movie?

Do you want to?

I kind of just want to go to bed.

Yeah, me too.

(MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Oh, sorry.

It's Em.

Hey, Em. Sorry about before.

Hang on. Slow down.

Oh, sh*t.

Steve, I understand you wanted to stop the flow of negative energy as soon as possible, but Gez was gonna take down the mirror as soon as she got home.

If she was going to take it down anyway, why am I in trouble for taking it down a little bit earlier?

Because you ripped it off her front door and threw it in a bush.

Yeah, look, it's done now.

I think if you and I go over and apologise, we can put this whole thing behind us.

(SIGHS)

Steve, thank you so much for doing this.

Oh.

Unbelievable.

What do you think of that, mate?

And if you touch even one of them, I've got three more boxes in here.

Wait, Steve.

I can't deal with this.

(GLASS SMASHES) Oh.

Maybe Jaffas are too hard for this game.

One more try.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Ow! Ooh, sorry.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

She's put 20 up.

What?

Hi, Dan. Damien.

Do you want a Frangelico? No, thank you.

What are you talking about?

Mirrors. Her door is covered in them. It looks like a disco ball.

Steve's furious.

Well, he should have thought of that before he touched her property.

Em, can you please just get Gez to put the wind chimes up.

She won't listen to me.

Steve keeps going on and on about negative energy.

Seems to me he's the one creating all of it.

I'm trying to sell a house!

If you get him to apologise to Gez and I'll see what I can do.

I tried and now he's gone to his sister's house and he won't come back until the energy field is neutralised.

I'm not supposed to call him until this is fixed.

Then I don't know what to tell you.

I'm gonna go to Gez's work tomorrow and I'm not gonna leave until this is sorted.

It's getting ridiculous. Not without me you're not.

Fine. Fine!

See ya, Dan.

Bye, Damien.

(DOOR CLOSES)

All he cares about is selling that house.

I've always wondered about that stuff.

What?

You know, karma. Negative energy.

You know, maybe it's all real and we just can't prove it yet.

I hear what you're saying.

We should do an experiment.

I didn't know I was saying that, but sure.

Great, I'll drive.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

Morning, Mrs Marsh.

Morning, Emma.

You're late again. You won't answer your phone.

We need to go visit Gez.

No need.

She taken the mirrors down?

No. Even better.

Damien and I went into Steve's place last night.

You... What?

He wasn't there, remember?

And get this, no negative vibes at all.

Positive, if anything.

We actually dozed off at one point.

You slept there?

Only for, like, an hour or so. No bad dreams either.

I had a really pleasant one where I could play the guitar.

Do you know what you've done?

Thought I did.

You've broken the law.

Breaking and entering...

What? We didn't break or take anything.

Got bored and did some cleaning, actually.

Oh, that's the worst thing you can do as a real estate agent, OK?

We're trusted with keys.

We didn't use a key.

Damien picked the lock.

That's worse.

Alright. Now that I think about it, maybe...

He'll never know. We were just in there for a bit.

It's just that Damien and I thought...

Damien agrees with everything you suggest.

You're enablers for each other. It's not healthy.

We're just having fun. You committed a crime last night.

You keep mocking Grace and I for being boring.

I think you're jealous. As if.

You're worried deep down you and Damien aren't right for each other, so you fill every waking moment with activities, and they're getting worse.

So you'd rather me be with someone like Josh who shuts me down all the time?

Damien likes that I'm fun.

Fine. Do whatever you want.

But just don't bring the business down with you.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

I think we messed up.

Did we miss a spot cleaning?

No, we just... shouldn't have gone.

(SIGHS)

Maybe...

..we should cool it on the activities for a bit.

OK.

Or we could... Oh, God, what? Yes, let's do it.

(ENGINE STARTS)

Actually, I think I just want to go home.

Go home?

Yeah.

OK.

(TYRES SCREECH) (SHRIEKS)

No! No, no, no!

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

(THUD!)

(BANGS ON ROOF)

What's it like?

We have to break up!

What?

I'm gonna die!

If we stay together, I'm gonna die.

I know it. I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die.

I would never let that happen.

I know, but we're always gonna suggest crazy things and we're always gonna say yes and one day it's gonna be juggling flaming chainsaws or eating poison or something and I'll die, I know it.

I'm sorry.

That's OK.

I'm pretty tired.

Friends?

Friends.

Do you want a lift home?

No.

Mrs Marsh, I'm going to the op shop.

If Em comes back, tell her I'm really sorry, I waited as long as I could but I'm worried Steve's gonna drop me if I don't fix this.

Righto.

Thanks. (DOORBELL CHIMES)

Steve.

Good to see you. I was just about to head to the...

I won't keep you long.

Oh.

I came back this morning...

I don't think my house was empty last night.

Really?

Yes.

It felt different.

Had a nicer smell, more polished and vibrant, cleaner.

An ordinary person wouldn't have noticed but I'm highly sensitive to these things.

Right.

Look, I'm not too proud to admit when I'm wrong.

The extra mirrors have shown me that whatever they're doing, they're bringing a lightness and positivity into my home.

Wow.

I want the mirrors to stay up.

OK.

Great.

I think they'll get us a better price for it too.

Probably, yeah.

So... you're happy with me as your agent?

I'm doing a survey.

Sure. Great.

And you don't mind if I come by later today to get some photos of your property?

Today is a perfect time to take the photos.

Of course, because of the...

..the energy and...

Yeah. Oh, Steve, um...

I have written you something.

'Immediately' has one A.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

(MUTTERS) (DOORBELL CHIMES)

I don't want to talk about it. Em.

Damien and I broke up.

Oh, Em, I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to... No.

You were right. We were burning the candle at both ends, and then cutting the candle in half and burning both ends of each half and then throwing them into a furnace.

Are you OK?

Yeah. When I was on top of that car on a bike...

What? Nothing.

..I just realised it's for the best.

And I'm really grateful that you're gonna be there for me for the break-up fallout, and to drive me around again because I'm getting rid of the car.

How did Damien take it?

OK. He said he was pretty tired.

I just came back from Gez's house.

What happened?

I rang her and we both agreed the wind chimes are better.

She let me take down all of the mirrors.

We have to go.

Where?

To put them all back up. What?

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

How was everyone's day?

ALL: Good.

The conference was amazing.

They're currently working on this new attachment to your phone that can test for male infertility.

Like a... like a case or something?

It's like a large box that you attach to your phone and you put your sperm into.

So you masturbate into the box? Oh, God.

What if you get a phone call?

Well, I guess you would put your...

Thanks, Grace. Daniel, did you put the listing up for sale today?

Yes, I did.

I have written the ad, put up all the photos.

Did all the... bowls of salt.

I am ready to sell my first house.

Show me. Yeah.

(GASPS)

"For inquiries, contact Daniel McCallum."

Congratulations!

It's like you've had a baby.

Well, I'm a very fertile... agent.

You spelt 'house' wrong!

No!

You didn't.

But you did use the wrong 'there'. What?

Yes! What?

Bruce will have to find a new place, and guess who he's going to come to.

(DOORBELL CHIMES)

This could be the perfect opportunity to build a bridge between you and Bruce.

I'm happy to make amends.

After my revenge.

Why did you have to pick on him so much at school?

I've got a more advanced sense of humour.

I don't think Daniel saw it that way.

Danny.

It's Daniel, actually.

Hey, check it out. Gez gave me one.

Now I'm immune to negative energy.

Come at me. Be negative.

You're the worst.

Cha-ching.

Ah, no, now I'm the worst. Ha!

What if it hits you in the back?

Excuse me.

(BOX FALLS OVER)