04x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

Wednesday?

No.

Friday?

No.

How can you keep forgetting what night's bin night?

Why not just leave them out all the time?

Then it doesn't matter.

Well, because then we'll have to walk outside every time we've got rubbish.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll take them out, you bring them in.

Fine.

And you get rid of spiders.

No.

I'm scared of spiders.

You think I like spiders?

It's just...

Grace used to be the one who would deal with spiders.

So, because you broke up, if there's a spider, I have to catch it?

Well, you'll squish it.

I'm not gonna squish it.

I'll take it outside.

Well, then it could come back in.

What if I squish it and then its family come in looking for revenge?

Well, you'll be there to squish them too.

But if you're gonna squish a spider, make sure it's on a flat surface, not the carpet, it'll make a mess.

I'm not...

You can pick it up off the carpet and put on a flat surface, then squish it.

Got it.

Pick it up, put it in your room.

I know you're joking, but I'm gonna need confirmation you won't do that.

I won't do it.

Again.

That's not funny.

'Squish' sounds way too cute for what would actually be a horrific way to die.

Fine, you can take them outside, but put them way outside and spin them around a few times so they can't find their way back.

Spiders are a huge deal.

If I do those, what do I get?

Well, I'll do all the other bugs.

Ants.

Cockroaches.

Scorpions.

I think that's fair.

I've never seen a scorpion.

That's because I'm vigilant.

I'll also change light bulbs.

Okay.

Can you start in my room?

I've been going to bed with a torch for weeks.

Yes.

And I'm sorry to nag, but I know you've been eating my crumpets.

You can't just replace them with slices of bread cut into circles.

It's not the same.

Oh, my God!

A scorpion!

Bullshit.

I'm Serious!

There!

Oh, yeah.

[Mockingly]

"There".

Look!

Oh, Jesus!

I thought they only lived in the desert!

Time for you to go to work.

I can't.

It's just like a spider, only with a spiky tail.

It's actually worse.

Well, that was the deal.

Ooh, he looks mad.

Okay, you do the bugs that start with S, I'll do all the other letters.

No!

Where are you going?!

I can't!

I'm sorry!

I'm not doing it!

We made a deal!

Get back in there!

No!

I'll call Mum.

♪ Yeah, we know ♪ ♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪ ♪ Even if the pace is slow ♪ ♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again ♪ ♪ If we find ♪ ♪ Something to feel that we belong ♪ ♪ If we could right all the wrongs ♪ ♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again.

♪ It said it was printing on my computer, and nothing's happening!

Mrs Marsh: Maybe it's out of paper.

[Sighs]

It's not!

Give it a good kick.

Still nothing!

Do you feel better, though?

[Kicks printer]

Bloody thing!

It still doesn't feel real.

My own desk.

I miss the old office.

Not a meeting table, not just a place to put my laptop, but an actual desk.

I mean, was that seriously the only land where the council could put a swimming pool?

It better have a slide.

I'm glad.

We've got more space.

For God's sake!

That lives there now.

Hey, speaking of rentals...

We weren't.

... I found a place that'd be perfect for us.

Em, I told you, I'm fine.

We don't need to move.

Well, where the hell's bloody "tray B"?

Yeah...

you say that, but the thing is, we live in a house that you lived in with your now ex-girlfriend, and at some point, the break-up is gonna sink in and you don't want to be living there when it does.

Too many memories.

It's been ages.

I'm fine.

It hasn't been ages.

And Grace has been away for a lot of it.

She'll be back from Japan soon.

Probably with a tan.

From skiing?

I've read that women tend to feel the worst about break-ups early on and men feel the worst months after.

Where'd you read that?

I'm not on trial here.

My point is, there's a process to these things.

What, like the five stages of grief?

What?

No.

There's two stages.

There's feeling real bad and then less bad.

Right.

Yeah.

And you haven't been upset about it yet.

Yeah, because it was a mutual, amicable, friendly...

I wouldn't even called it a break-up.

It was a decoupling.

As your best friend, it is my job to be ready when it hits you.

Otherwise you'll end up getting some lip piercing, or a tattoo, or you'll start wearing a bandanna.

I'm not your teenage son.

You're already fixing your teeth.

To fix my bite.

It's a medical thing.

Yeah.

Like a pen1s enlargement.

[Thump! thump!]

[Printer whirrs]

Finally!

I appreciate your concern, but I'm fine.

Now, get out of my chair.

There were three!

Prove it!

All this old mail.

It's so weird thinking about all the other businesses that were in here before us.

Just think, I could be holding life-changing news from...

Glen's Window Cleaning.

Can you please stop snooping and just write "return to sender" on everything that's not ours?

[Gasps]

There's a package!

Cool.

Even more places to write "return to sender".

I'm gonna open it.

No.

Em?

It's in my DNA.

I'm female.

I'm Australian.

I'm a box-opener.

It's who I am.

Don't.

Envelopes, I can resist.

Okay?

Mail is never anything exciting.

Usually bills or a letter from your parents or something boring.

But a package is always something.

Something you want...

to open.

"Return to sender".

It doesn't have a return-to-sender address on it, so I'm opening it.

No, no, no, no, no.

Who's it addressed to?

"S.

Wells".

And what's your name again?

My middle name is Swells.

I know for a fact your middle name is Fart.

Yours is!

Don't open it.

But it could be anything!

It's probably something boring like coasters or a lint roller.

Who would order lint rollers in the mail?

I don't know.

Someone who doesn't know where to buy a lint roller from.

You're right.

What shop does sell lint rollers?

Chemist?

I have no idea.

[Phone rings]

Hello.

McCallum Real Estate.

Emma speaking.

Oh, hi.

Um...

sorry, can I just put you on hold for a second?

Thanks.

What's up?

Nothing.

You should go to the movies.

Why?

Who's on the phone?

No-one.

Well, that's clearly not true.

Alright, it's...

you from the future and saying, "Daniel, leave Emma and her phone call alone".

Are you in trouble or something?

Why are you being so weird?

Fine.

It's Grace.

Ooh.

Put her on speaker.

But you'll hear her voice.

Yes.

That's how a phone works.

You can't.

It's fine.

And this is too long to keep someone on hold for.

No, no, no, no.

You can't.

It's fine.

I'm telling you, you can't...

Don't.

It's fine.

Just relax.

Hello, Grace.

How are you?

Grace: Oh, Dan.

I'm really well, thanks.

[Whispers]

Get off!

How are you?

Everything okay?

Yeah, all good here.

How's Japan going?

I love it.

The conference was brilliant.

Mmm.

There are some really exciting trials using induced pluripotent stem cells.

Right.

And the toilets are amazing.

Oh, yeah, I heard they've got those electronic squirt cannons, right?

I don't know why we're still using toilet paper here.

I know!

[Laughs]

So, how is, uh...

Anyway, I'm calling...

Sorry.

Sorry.

No, no.

You go.

Well, I was calling because I hoped you could help me find a rental.

Absolutely.

Happy to help.

Or I can help you.

No, no, that's okay.

I've already offered my help, thank you, Em.

Okay.

Um, that'd be great.

Sarah's moving out, so I won't have a place to come back to.

Don't worry, Grace.

I'll find you something.

Or I can.

I'll find you something, don't worry.

Great.

So...

Uh, why don't I give you a video call later and I'll take you through some places?

Yes.

Perfect.

That'd be great.

Thanks so much.

No worries.

Talk to you soon.

Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

Video call?

You'll see her face!

I've seen it before.

You should have gone to the movies when I told you to.

You gave me three seconds' notice and there's nothing I want to see anyway.

Let me take care of Grace, okay?

Not you.

I can handle it.

Terrible idea.

It's way too soon.

I know it's my first break-up, but maybe I'm just really good at them.

Poor boy.

You're delirious with pain.

I'll stay with you.

Em, this is getting a little annoying now.

Can you please let it go?

Alright.

Maybe the direct contact with her will...

break you.

In a good way.

Pop the blister so you can heal.

You're not supposed to pop blisters.

Yeah, right, and you're not supposed to put cotton buds in your earholes.

That's also a big no.

You can call me when you need.

If you show her the two-bedroom on Hastings, there's a walk-in wardrobe that's perfect for cry calls.

I can't stop the neighbour's bird staring at you, Darryl.

Oh, well, just pull the curtains if it's bothering you that much.

I have to go.

Three times, he's called.

We don't even manage his neighbour's property.

What's he doing that the bird's so interested in it?

What?

I finished sorting the mail.

Oh, good.

Thanks.

Except this package.

There's no return address on it.

Right.

Do you know an S.

Wells?

Were they here before us?

I don't know.

Must have been at some point.

Yeah.

I should probably open it.

You do realise that's breaking the law?

Not one of the bad ones.

Just give it to the post office.

I might just wait.

In case more mail comes in for them.

Take it all at once.

Take it to the post office.

And don't open it.

Okay.

I won't.

Mrs Marsh: Emma?

Yep?

Message for you.

Oh.

Barbara says...

[Clicks mouse]

...

"Don't open it!" [Phone rings]

[Answers call]

Grace: Moshi moshi!

Hello!

I assume that means hello.

It does.

It's great to see you.

Sort of.

Yeah, you too.

Um, your...

head still looks great.

Thank you.

I've been wearing a helmet when I ski to protect it.

Oh.

Good call.

Um...

are you ready to take a tour of your potential new home?

I am.

Um, do you need me to sort out references?

Oh, no, Grace, it's fine.

I'll sort it out.

The place is yours if you want it.

Um, I should warn you, though, there's a guy next door who plays piano quite loudly.

But he's very good, so, free background music.

Oh, nice.

Okay, let's...

let's...

let's do it.

Okay, great.

Bruce: Yeah, we don't have much time, Em.

We're in the middle of a planning meeting for the show.

Yeah, you have no idea how much content we smash through for an hour of radio.

Community radio.

Yeah.

We talk into the mic like everyone else.

And we have to work all the knobs ourselves.

I'm gonna ignore that, because I want you to focus...

on this.

A box?

You guys are rebels, right?

Rosehaven's bad boys.

Well, bad men.

Nah, that doesn't sound very good.

Yeah.

I take it back.

I'm just saying, you guys aren't afraid to bend the rules a little.

Live life to the max.

I guess.

Because I've got this package and I don't know what's in there.

It could be anything.

Anything.

Anyway, I'm just gonna go for a walk around the block, stretch my legs.

I'll leave this here and I'll be back to pick it up in...

whatever state it's in.

Not right back.

You know...

enough time.

Okay, bye.

Could be...

anything.

I'm not gonna open it.

Me neither.

Why not?!

Well, it's against the law, for starters.

Yeah.

My dad's a cop, you know.

Yeah.

He can get you off the hook.

Yeah, I only get three a year and I've already used them.

What about Pandora's box?

She opened a box and that was very bad.

Yeah, wasn't it a backpack?

No, that's Dora.

And the backpack helps her...

Oh.

Just open it.

Please?

[Door closes]

Both: No.

Oh, hi, Em.

Hi.

You two giving it another sh*t?

That's great.

No!

Oh, the box was an excuse to come round!

It wasn't!

I'll just get my lunch and I'll be out of your hair.

She's trying to lead us astray, Dad.

I'm not.

This package is old mail from our new office and I just want to know what it is.

You're a cop.

Can we X-ray it?

I don't have an X-ray machine.

Well, it's an unattended package.

Could be dangerous.

You should open it.

In front of me.

Yeah, Em, the law's pretty clear-cut about other people's property.

But I don't want to keep it.

I just want to know what it is.

You should take it to the post office.

Am I the only one that's curious?

[Sighs]

Do any of you know who S.

Wells is?

No, sorry.

But I do know who was in that office before you.

Do you know how to say 'sometimes' in Japanese?

No.

'Tokidoki'.

Oh, that's way better.

Yeah, I know.

Okay, brace yourself.

Here is the second bedroom.

[Piano plays]

Oh, there it is.

Can you hear it?

I can.

They are really good.

Told you.

Uh, by the way, Grace, if you need a hand moving, please let me know.

Oh, it's fine.

Jay h...

has a ute.

Sorry, who...

who has a ute?

Oh.

Jason.

He's someone that I met on the flight.

We've been hanging out a little over here.

He lives in Hobart and has a ute.

I'm sorry.

No, no, don't be.

I don't want you to ever feel like you have to hide anything from me.

I'm really glad we can still talk.

Not all the time, obviously, but...

tokidoki.

Very good.

Me too.

Thanks so much for showing me through today.

No worries.

And I meant it, Grace.

If you want the place, it's yours.

I'll take it.

Then congrats on your new home.

[Chuckles]

Thanks, mate.

[Dramatic piano flourish]

So?

She called me "mate"!

Oh.

"Mate"!

That's what you say to tradies and people whose names you don't know.

And she possibly hooked up with some guy in Japan who owns a ute.

She didn't even notice my teeth.

I'm sorry.

[Groans]

Oh, I've made a huge mistake.

I never should have broken it off.

Hey, the decision you made at the time was the right one because it was how you felt at the time.

What you're going through now is a very normal part of the process.

This is the feel-bad part.

Well, how long does it last?

Please say 45 minutes.

I don't know how long.

Well, I'm staying here till it's over.

Can you go open a bottle of red?

No.

Are we out?

No.

It's too early.

You don't want to go down that road.

Well, it's...

And don't say it's five o'clock somewhere.

Everyone says that.

[Groans]

You need to get up.

We're gonna distract you with wholesome, non-alcohol-based activities.

Like what?

Like this.

Hmm?

Look up.

You're supposed to take it to the post office.

Yeah.

But then I got a lead.

What?

We are gonna return it to its rightful owner, and they are gonna open it in front of us and maybe give us a reward!

No, I'm staying in bed.

Tell Mum I'm sick.

No.

Oh!

We slept on this bed together!

Everything in this room reminds me of Grace!

See, this is what I said would happen.

We can move.

That would take ages.

Get up.

I'm glad you kept your shoes on.

It'll save time.

I don't want to.

You're coming with me!

We are solving the package mystery together!

I don't give a sh1t!

Oh...

[Thump!]

Come on, best friend!

Package adventure!

Let's go!

She stood right here.

Come on!

Yay!

Alright, I'm coming!

Whoo!

Come on.

[Daniel groans]

Hello.

Hi.

Are you Jasmin Jensen, formerly of JJ Photography?

Uh, yes.

Sorry to bother you.

I'm Emma from McCallum Real Estate.

This is Daniel.

Is he okay?

Yeah, he's great.

Firstly, can I ask you a photography question?

Sure.

I've always wanted to know, do I have a side?

Oh.

We mainly did baby photography.

It was 20% lighting and 80% jangling something shiny saying, "Up here!" [Chuckles]

But if you had to choose?

Um...

Right?

Cool!

Also, we received this package to your old address for S.

Wells.

I'm trying to return it.

Sam Wells.

Sam?

Did you know her?

H-him?

Him.

Sort of.

He had the office before me.

An importing business, I think.

Importing what?

All kinds of things.

[Whispers loudly]

All kinds of things!

Do you know how I could get a hold of him now?

I don't, sorry.

He might still be in the area, but I haven't seen him for ages.

You should just take it to the post office...

No, Jasmin!

Sorry.

Do you remember what he looks like?

[Music plays on radio]

Not your best work.

Well, he might not look exactly like that, but at least it's something.

I'll check the pub for him if you like.

No.

Focus.

Now, what do we know about Sam Wells?

He's a he.

He used to work at our work.

He used to import things.

He's possibly still in the area somewhere.

He has no mouth?

It's under his moustache.

She said he had a moustache, not a mouth-covering moustache.

I'm not very good at drawing lips, okay?

You're not very good at drawing a lot of things.

sh1t!

What?

I didn't ask Jasmin if she meant her right or my right.

What do you mean?

My best side.

Her right or mine?

What do you think?

What do you think?

Well?

Right?

Your right or mine?

Both?

[Tuts]

I think I should call Grace.

I'm gonna call her.

Oh, and say what?

[Sighs]

"Please make me stop feeling bad somehow"?

Are you open to workshopping that?

Yes.

After I call her.

No.

Concentrate.

What's our next move?

Pub?

No, we're gonna put my sketch up on the noticeboard.

What, and then just wait?

Yeah.

At the pub?

No.

But you're right.

We could just be waiting forever.

Maddrick: [On radio]

That was Sitting On A Branch, requested by Timmy in Seddon Hills.

Now, Bruce, we were talking about this the other day.

Where do you think your baby teeth are right now?

Bruce: Hmm.

I mean, if they don't dissolve, they'd have to be at the tip, right?

New plan.

Pub?

No.

I'll drag you!

Okay, okay!

Good job!

Thanks for doing this.

That's okay.

It's good content.

Danny.

How are you going, mate?

Don't call me "mate".

Okay.

We're back in 10, guys.

Why don't I leave you to it and I'll wait outside?

It's 10 seconds, just to be clear.

So you can call her when I'm not looking?

Nope.

[Sighs]

Welcome back to Bruce And Maddo In The Arvo.

"Maddo"?

Yeah, just trying it out.

Yeah, nah, not a fan.

I don't like it either.

Ooh!

Maddo's getting ganged up on here.

Hang on.

I've got something for this.

Just give me a minute.

Don't...

Do we just wait or...

Hold on.

I told you to put...

There it is.

[Jeering sound effect]

Fantastic.

Can I jump in?

Uh, Emma Dawes is in studio with us today.

Uh, full disclosure, she is somebody that I formerly dated and who still has feelings for me.

I am here because I currently have in my possession a package for Sam Wells.

That's Sam Wells, formerly of 110 Dayles Road, Rosehaven, where McCallum Real Estate is now located.

I'd like to return it.

Righto.

Sam, if you're listening, give us a call...

right now.

Hello, Sam.

Are you there?

Can't you go to a song while we wait?

We've only got a minute left before The Gardening Show starts.

Sam, if you're listening, please drop into McCallum Real Estate to pick up your package.

Whew!

We end on a cliffhanger.

That's our time.

Thanks for tuning in to Bruce And Maddo In The Arvo.

That was Maddrick, everyone.

Maddrick!

Mad...

Maddo!

Maddrick.

Maddrick.

O.

Just with an O.

I know you can do it.

Maddrick.

"Maddo" sounds so stupid.

Maddo!

Why?

Because if you drink, you'll want to call her even more.

Trust me.

Give me your phone.

I want to see what the share market's doing.

No.

Thank you.

You know there are phones everywhere in here?

Oh, yeah?

You know her number off by heart, do you?

It's...

04...

something.

What's going on?

He's not feeling well.

Did the guy come in?

Who?

Sam.

The package guy.

Where's his mouth?

It's...

Look...

Did he come in?

No.

I thought I told you to get rid of that this morning.

Is that what you've been doing all day?

Not all day.

Well, the post office is closed now, but it's got to go first thing tomorrow.

He's not gonna come, is he?

I doubt it.

I don't think anyone listens to Bruce and Maddo.

I just want to know so bad.

I'm gonna open it.

No, you can't.

That is not true.

I could.

It is physically possible for me to open this box using my hands or scissors.

Em, you can't.

But...

This sucks!

Yeah, well, sometimes things just suck and you...

have to deal with it.

And if you're lucky, you'll...

have a friend to distract you.

You're not mad I dragged you round for nothing?

No, I'm glad you did.

I just would have lied in bed being miserable.

At least this way I was...

Well, I was still miserable, but I was...

doing stuff.

You made it.

To less bad.

Thanks.

No worries, mate.

Nah, stick with 'buddy' for a few more days.

Oh.

You got it, buddy.

Hello?

Hi.

Um...

Here to collect my parcel.

You're kidding.

You're Sam?

Yeah.

Uh, is that it?

Yes.

Here it is.

Now, if you don't mind me asking, what's in it?

Oh...

you know, I don't remember.

Thanks a lot, though.

Er, wait.

Sorry.

Um...

we've spent all day looking for you and I'd really like to know.

I even did a sketch.

You...

look nothing like my sketch.

Well, I've got a mouth, for starters.

But that's alright.

I can open it now if you want to see.

Stop.

Can I see some ID?

Are you serious?

Yes, I am.

[Door opens]

Uh...

hi.

I'm Sam?

Wells?

Alright.

I'm Geoff.

I heard you guys on the radio.

I was in the area.

Worth a sh*t.

[Chuckles]

Get out of here, Geoff.

Yep.

It's, uh...

It's me.

Oh, I shaved.

It is you.

Yeah.

Bit of a shock to hear your own name pop up on your favourite radio program!

Yeah, wow.

It's changed a lot.

Well...

here you are.

Okay.

Well...

thanks very much.

Wait.

Hmm?

You can open it now if you like.

No, it's fine.

Okay.

But if you don't mind, could you just tell me what it is?

I'd rather not.

Sorry?

It's my package.

I don't have to tell you what it is.

Are you serious?

You know how sometimes we just have to deal with stuff that isn't great?

Do you open your mail in front of strangers?

No, but I worked really hard to get it back to you.

And I could have given it to an impostor or opened it myself.

So it'd just be really nice if you'd just...

let me know what it is.

Yeah, I'm not gonna do that.

Please?

Nope.

Em, let it go.

Come on.

Is it for the kitchen?

Garden?

Is it dr*gs?

If it is, I'm not gonna say anything.

Not happening!

You're being really selfish!

[Opens box]

Oh, wow.

Oh, that's amazing!

I've never seen one of those before!

Oh, you sonofa...

!

Em!

Bye!

Oh, I get it!

It's a weird s*x thing!

You'll never know!

Oh!

[Strains]

Let him go.

Em, let him go.

Let him go.

No, it's fine.

It's fine, It's fine!

No!

You work, eat and live together.

It's too much.

Without Grace, it's just you and me 24/7.

We need a replacement.

These are slim pickings.

We're having a dinner party tonight.

How would you like to come?

Okay.

People have had dinner parties for hundreds of years.

We just need to relax and remember to have a good time.

[Knock at door]

[Screams]

Alright!

[Starts engine]

Ha!

Whoa!

[Gasps]

[Cackles]

Whoo!

Ha!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Whoo!