03x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

How many knocks do you normally go with?

Two?

Two's not enough.

What do you do?

Three.

If I hear two knocks, I just think it's a random house noise, but three evenly spaced knocks, someone's at the door.

Dumb.

You're gonna wear your hand down faster than me.

Three's the standard.

Knock-knock jokes.

Two knocks.

Case closed.

Yeah, but...

It's not, "Knock-knock-knock.

Who's there?" Well, it should be.

It's much funnier.

Let me knock.

If they come to the door after two, you have to...

randomly hug your mum when we get back to the office.

Well, I'm not saying they won't come to the door, I'm just saying they'll be unsure whether or not someone's AT the door because you only knocked twice.

[Knocks twice]

I can hear footsteps.

Well, they're probably right next to the door.

You have to hug your mum and you can't tell her why!

This doesn't prove anything.

Hi, Kit.

Hi.

Hey.

Um, come in.

Kit, um, just quickly, this is a weird question, but did you hear the two knocks and think someone was at the door or that it was just a random house noise at first?

Someone at the door.

Of course you did.

Like everyone would.

Do you want to come in now?

Yes, please.

Uh!

So, we were a bit confused by your message.

Did you say random people keep popping around?

Yes.

OK.

Did somebody die in this house?

Did the last tenant before me die?

Recently?

Uh...

Because that seems like something you'd tell me before I moved in, right?

Why would you think someone d*ed?

Because people keep on leaving flowers outside my front door.

Maybe you've got a secret admirer.

No, someone did die in here.

I'm sorry.

♪ Yeah, we know ♪ ♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪ ♪ Even if the pace is slow ♪ ♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again ♪ ♪ If we find ♪ ♪ Something to feel that we belong ♪ ♪ If we could right all the wrongs ♪ ♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again.

♪ You didn't think that somebody dying in here before I moved in was important information?

Well, I mean, everyone dies somewhere, right?

You might die here.

Oh, is that why the place came fully furnished?

The family didn't know what to do with everything after Janine passed away, so the landlord offered to rent the place fully furnished.

Lucky you!

Was she m*rder*d?

Oh, no, no.

She was a little old lady in her 90s.

Where?

Where?

Yeah, where did she die?

What, right there?

Very peacefully.

You don't peacefully die on the floor.

Well, there was a chair there.

Right.

Well, at least that's gone.

Moved.

What?

What, it's still here?!

Well, it's a...

it's a very nice chair.

Yeah.

Except somebody d*ed in it.

Yes, but not because of the chair.

You should have told me.

And I don't want to be dealing with any more flowers.

I did not sign up to rent a shrine.

Kit, I am so sorry.

If there's anything we can do...

We can take the flowers if you like.

Or just some of them, if you want to keep some as decoration, or...

You can leave.

Yep.

Yeah.

Wait.

Did you know her?

Janine?

No, it was a proper rental.

The landlord contacted us after she passed away.

I wonder if she WAS little.

What?

You said "little old lady".

People always say that.

Maybe she was massive.

A massive old lady?

Yeah, why not?

This is a big chair.

Yeah, but she's not carrying it around.

She's sitting in it.

Op shop?

We can't.

The family might want it back.

Yeah, don't want to mess with them.

Because they might be massive?

Yeah.

[Knocks three times]

Too many.

Mum, could we please borrow you for a second?

Sure.

I don't suppose this is about a tenant you forgot to inform had someone die in their rental and is now surrounded by a dead person's furniture?

No.

We...

just wanted to see how you were.

Good?

He called to complain.

I thought I was doing the right thing.

He loved the place and I didn't want to ruin it for him.

I mean, the fact that someone d*ed in there doesn't change anything about the property.

Eh...

Well, I mean, there was no damage.

What are the rules?

There aren't any.

Life is chaos.

I knew it.

There's common sense.

He never asked if anyone d*ed.

Daniel, people aren't gonna ask if someone d*ed recently in the living room, because they trust the agent will tell them.

Ah!

d*ed in the living...

Never mind.

If he wants to break his lease, we won't charge him anything for the advertising.

And if he asks for his first month's rent back, YOU can cover the cost.

[Groans]

AND you, Emma.

You could have told him too.

What?

But Daniel's the one who said we shouldn't mention the, you know...

I don't care.

You can both pay if he moves out.

It isn't fair on the landlord and you should have known better.

Anything else?

No.

Hey, Barbara, knock-knock-knock.

What?

It's weird, right?

Would you want to be told if someone d*ed in your house?

No, I don't want to think about it.

It's like when you stay in a hotel, you don't want to think about all the people that have had s*x in the bed you're sleeping in.

I mean, they change the sheets, but is that enough?

Now I've ruined hotels for myself.

Here's my impression of a hotel room bed, "No more!

I'll never be clean!

Bleagh, get off!

If you wouldn't do it at home, don't do it on me!" That's really good.

Ooh, let me knock again.

[Knocks twice]

I can't hear any footsteps.

Maybe you should have knocked three times.

Or they're not home.

[Knocks three times]

Well, that's five times now.

They're not gonna answer to a psychopath.

Or they're not home.

What if they're dead?

No, they...

They wouldn't be.

Oh, thank God!

Oh, you're OK!

What?

Oh, sorry, we thought you were, um...

not home.

I wasn't sure if someone was at the door at first.

Ha!

Oh, sorry, that was referring to a, uh...

Do you mind if we do the inspection now?

Three knocks.

Stop celebrating.

We're just even now.

And only because you didn't uphold your end of the deal when you lost the first time.

OK, next loser hugs Barbara.

I mean Mum.

Deal.

I love this.

It never gets old, the snooping.

Well, it's not snooping, it's inspecting.

Don't look in the fridge.

We've discussed this.

I'm looking for novelty fridge magnets.

Nothing.

Boring.

Is that Grace?

Hmm?

Look at this.

It's Grace!

It is, right?

Who's that guy?

Wowsers!

Well, he's not my type, but conventionally speaking, va-va-voom!

I get it.

Who is he?

I don't know.

You don't suppose he's an ex?

God, I hope not.

Look at him.

He might just be a really, really hot friend.

I mean, some people just have really hot friends.

Like, you have a really hot friend, me.

I'm just going to hang some washing out.

I spilt sauce on my good shawl at bridge.

Let me know if you need me.

Uh, Karina, I was just...

inspecting and I noticed you have a photo of my partner on your fridge.

Really?

Well, how about that?

Do you know my godson John?

Uh, no, just my partner Grace.

Grace, is it?

I honestly can't remember.

He sent me that years ago, and, well, you know, there's...

there's been a few.

What?

Ladies.

John's always been quite popular with the ladies.

Right.

So are you.

With A lady.

And I like you.

So, they were dating?

I can't remember.

Anyway, small world.

I'll have to tell John.

Or never tell him.

Hmm?

Doesn't matter.

Are you thinking about John?

No.

What are you thinking about?

How to make...

gravy?

Yes, John.

I just don't see why Grace would be dating me after dating someone like him.

He looks like he's secretly Batman.

First of all, we don't know they were dating.

They could have been friends.

Second, he might have been a jerk, that's why they're not together anymore.

And third, Grace is with you now.

I know.

Then stop worrying.

What would make you feel better?

If he was happily married or...

[Coughs]

dead.

Dead?

Harsh.

I'm not wishing death upon him, I'm just saying if he was dead...

Fine, if it makes you feel better, I'll assassinate him for your birthday.

Thanks, mate.

Although, good luck pulling the trigger when you look at his perfect face.

Oh!

[Sighs]

[Door opens]

Hey.

Hey.

How was your day?

Good.

How was yours?

Yeah, great.

I read this amazing article on information retention and it had so many fascinating insights, it was easier to highlight the bits that I didn't want to remember.

Although, highlighting things you don't want to remember wasn't one of the tips.

That is cool.

Um, hey, I had an inspection today with a lady called Karina.

Yeah?

And she had a photo on her fridge that had you in it.

Me?

I don't think I know a Karina.

Um, no, but you might know her godson John?

John?

Do you know his last name?

No, but you were on a beach.

He had brown hair, a t*nk top.

Very buff and handsome.

Oh, that John.

That John?

Yeah, I haven't thought about him in years.

We studied medicine together.

He studied medicine?

He's a cardiothoracic surgeon now.

He's a heart surgeon?

Heart, lungs, oesophagus and other areas in the chest, yeah.

So, if you hurt your foot, he's useless?

Well, no, he's still a doctor, so...

It's OK.

He's in the US now.

Oh.

Well, he was last time we spoke.

Um...

did you date?

For a few months, but then we broke up and he moved away and we didn't stay in touch.

So, you broke up because he wanted to move to the US and you didn't?

No, we just weren't right for each other.

I'm sorry I haven't told you about him.

There was just nothing very interesting to report.

Oh, no, no, no, it's fine.

I was...

I was just curious.

He um, used to steal toys from children.

Really?

No.

But he might have developed that habit since I last saw him.

[Door opens]

Emma: Morning.

Mrs Marsh: Morning.

Morning!

Hmm?

Morning.

What are you up to?

Just work.

Oh, yeah?

Just gonna get a file.

Busted!

You're stalking the fridge man.

That's work, is it?

Maybe he needs a rental?

They dated, and I can't tell if he's dating someone new now because I can't access his full profile.

His security settings are too high.

Oh.

What a paranoid weirdo.

What did Grace say?

She said they dated for a few months, he moved to the US, they weren't right for each other.

Great.

He's gone.

What are you worried about?

He's a cardiothoracic surgeon.

OK.

And you are a moderately successful salesperson.

I looked up how much they earn.

500 grand a year on average.

Maybe he has a website.

Stop typing.

And moving the mouse.

One more click.

Daniel!

He does have a website.

Look at how much charity work he's done.

That's more than a token amount.

He genuinely cares.

Hey!

I'm cutting you off.

What if Grace doesn't really want to be with me?

What if she's just settling?

I mean, I can't follow that guy.

Look at me.

I'm not just a step down, I'm a whole staircase.

Hey!

That is my friend you're talking about.

You're not a staircase.

Hello?

I'm telling you, this is not a big deal.

Daniel?

Probably John wanting to tell me he's solved world hunger.

Yes, Mrs Marsh?

There's a Kit on the phone for you.

Oh, Kit.

Um...

Hi, Kit.

Daniel here.

Everything OK?

[Sobs]

Hi...

everyone.

Hi.

Can I speak to you in the hallway, please?

Yep.

Sure.

[Continues sobbing]

Woman: Oh, darling.

Why did you let them in?

Because they were just standing on the lawn, looking in.

Looking sad.

I had another guy this morning just holding his hand at my letterbox with his eyes closed for a minute and a half.

We'll ask them to leave.

But they're so sad.

They keep talking about her like she's still here.

It's like I've got a dead flatmate who doesn't pay rent and has her miserable friends over all the time.

I came here for some privacy.

Oh, and I'm late for work.

This is too much.

I want out.

Oh, Kit, first of all, the rent here is incredibly cheap...

Yeah, because somebody d*ed here.

Well...

And second of all?

Sorry?

Well, you said "first of all".

What else is good about living here?

[Woman sobs]

Em?

Uh, this door...

slides...

And back.

What time do you finish work?

6:30.

OK, we'll make sure this is all sorted by the time you get home.

No more mourners, no need to move out.

Just trust us.

[Woman sobs]

Hi.

Um, I'm Daniel and this is Emma from McCallum Real Estate, and we'd...

really appreciate it if you could...

please leave.

Oh, God!

[Sobs]

No rush.

We should have made more of an effort.

We're a very tight-knit neighbourhood.

Most of us have lived our whole lives here.

But Janine, well, she'd only been here five years.

Well, that's no excuse!

Yeah, I know, I know.

She never got a visit from her family.

We didn't do enough to reach out to her.

Was there a funeral?

Yes, but no-one outside the family knew when or where.

And a lot of us feel guilty she was alone at the end.

We just wanted to say goodbye.

Sure.

Do you think it'll take longer than an hour, or...

Oh, God!

I can't believe she's gone.

[Sighs heavily]

That sucked.

Yes, it did.

I don't want to ask them to stop coming around, but what else can we do?

Hire a bouncer?

Maybe we should ask all of them around.

Do the opposite of what we're trying to achieve?

Give them an opportunity to say goodbye properly.

You mean like have another funeral?

No, of course not.

Good.

We'll have a wake.

What?

We have a small service before Kit gets back, in the front yard.

Seems like they all live in the street.

Ohh...

I'll see if I can catch them.

Hang on.

Em, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Are you sure about this?

I've never put on a wake before.

It'll just be like a birthday party, but sadder.

Do you think people will care we don't have a photo?

No, I think her favourite chair will be enough.

Well, we don't know if it's her favourite chair.

It's just the last one she sat in.

Yeah, she chose that chair.

I don't think she was like, "I'm about to die.

Where do I sit?" When I die, I want my last words to be, "No, David Tennant, you're the greatest lover that I've ever had." Hey, uh, Grace is coming to help in a sec.

Is she?

Why?

I told her that how much the neighbourhood cared really hit me and that I wanted to do all I could to give them closure.

Please stop competing with a man who isn't even here.

Maybe he hates being a heart surgeon and he's only doing it to look good.

He already looks good.

Oh, hi, Grace!

Hey.

Hi.

Thanks for coming to help.

I wanted to.

I think it's nice what you're both doing.

Well, I mean, Daniel mostly.

It was his idea.

What a catch!

Do you think it'll work?

Yes.

Maybe it's what Janine would have wanted.

I'm guessing, because I've never met her, but...

Thanks.

Are you guys getting any weird vibes off this chair?

You think it's haunted?

Why would you haunt a chair?

Comfy?

What's Greg doing here?

Oh, Rosehaven doesn't have a priest.

He was the closest I could find.

I mean, he wears a uniform.

And he listens to confessions.

Very different.

Hmm.

Greg: Hello, all.

All: Hi.

Thanks for coming.

That's OK.

Honestly, I'm a bit nervous.

I've never really done anything like this before.

I didn't know Janine very well.

You're gonna be great.

Just thank everyone for coming and invite people to say a few words.

Right.

I'm gonna double-check there aren't any more flowers in the house.

I'll help.

[Grunts]

If I get married again, I'm gonna throw two bouquets.

Make them scramble.

Hey, I heard you found a photo of me in someone's house.

Oh, yeah.

Weird, right?

Did Dan tell you he was an ex of mine?

Oh...

yeah, think he did.

I told Dan we went out for a bit, it wasn't a big deal, but between you and me...

No.

Wait...

I loved John.

I thought he was the one.

He decided to break it off with me, but I don't think I've ever stopped having feelings for him.

Grace!

Why would you tell me that?!

I had to tell someone.

Not his best friend, who is me!

You can't tell me that you're in love with someone else.

No, I...

I love Daniel, I just...

I can't keep secrets from Dan.

Telling him other people's secrets is one of my favourite things.

They just come out.

Please don't.

It'll just hurt him.

I didn't tell Dan because there's no point.

I love him, but do I still have love for John?

Honestly, yes, I do.

Is that wrong?

I mean, no, but yes that you told me!

I mean...

Balls!

I'm sorry.

It's just been in my head all day.

And I don't have a close friend here to share this kind of thing with.

OK, I think you're awesome, but, you know, our friendship...

it's second tier.

I understand.

We can have secrets.

Heaps of 'em.

I've seen Dan naked four times and he only knows about one of them.

But you and I can't have secrets this big about my best friend.

I'm Team Daniel.

I'm sorry.

It's OK.

I've put you in a weird position.

I think having feelings for someone even though you're happy in your current relationship is really normal.

Thanks, Em.

And you're right, Dan would get upset.

He doesn't appreciate how great he is.

I tell him, but I don't think he believes me.

Want to go host a wake for someone we haven't met?

Can we get started?

I don't want to risk Kit coming back.

You ready to go, Greg?

Uh, yeah.

[Clears throat]

[Clears throat]

Thank you, everyone, for coming.

Uh, I'm not usually asked to officiate at a wake, but the role of a police officer is to serve and not ask questions.

Well, sometimes it is to ask questions, like...

like of a suspect, or witnesses...

[Clears throat]

Anyway, uh...

There were no suspicious circumstances surrounding Janine's death.

I'm told that she d*ed very peacefully in her favourite chair.

Would anybody else like to say a few words?

What?

Just get the ball rolling.

Um...

I, uh, never met Janine, um, but when we first took over this place, it was...

very tidy, so...

she must have been a very tidy person.

Um...

Oh, and the landlord said she was very prompt with her payments.

OK, thank you, Daniel.

Beautiful words.

Anyone else?

Uh...

I knew Janine for five years, and in all that time, she never once asked me what my name was.

I mean, I told her, of course, but I was never sure if it stuck.

Man: Um, we lived next door, and my grandkids would accidentally throw the frisbee over the fence.

And she...

well, she would always refuse giving it back.

This is different.

Yeah.

Um, she nearly backed into me once, reversing out too fast despite me telling her on several occasions that it was much safer to back out slowly.

And I wished at the time that she would just...

pass away.

And now that she has, I...

I feel like it's all my fault.

I thought the same thing.

Me too.

I've been feeling guilty about it ever since.

[All mutter in agreeance]

She was hard going.

Well, perhaps we've been a little too hard on ourselves here, then.

I mean, look, we all tried to reach out to Janine, but I...

I think that she probably just wanted to be left alone.

A mean old bag, she was.

Sorry, excuse me.

Sorry, thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

What's going on?

We're having a wake.

Thank you very much for giving us the opportunity to say goodbye.

It really...

it really did mean a lot.

Um, everyone back to mine for a nightcap?

Oh, great idea.

Good.

I might take you up on that.

My nerves are sh*t.

I did think it would be catered.

Oh, Gareth!

I'm starving!

And what about you, Kit?

Do you want to come back too?

Let us welcome you to the neighbourhood?

Oh, no, thank you, but that's very nice.

Oh, OK.

We'll leave you alone, then.

OK.

Thank you.

See you.

Bye.

You're gonna get that chair off my lawn, right?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah.

We've had practice.

Morning.

Mrs Marsh: Morning.

Oh, one second.

What?

Nothing.

All good.

Are you googling him?

No.

So, if I said hold your hands up right now and I checked your browser history, you weren't googling him?

Uh...

Hold your hands up.

I signed up to his mailing list.

Come on!

I didn't think about him at all last night, then I saw a sixpack of beer on TV this morning and I thought, "He's probably got a sixpack," and I think I'm losing my mind.

Stop.

I spoke to Grace yesterday.

Did you?

What did she say?

Do you really want to know?

Yeah.

No.

I don't know.

Alright.

Grace told me...

that John was nothing and you don't need to worry about him.

But he's amazing.

Oh, this sucks.

What sucks?

You're a good guy, OK?

You listen and...

you're kind and silly and you don't know how rare you are, and Grace loves you so much and...

she's...

very lucky.

Thanks, Em.

You're a...

you're a good friend.

Oh, God, shut up!

Ugh, I'll be sick!

I get it, I'm great.

Can you please say it one more time while I record it?

No!

Almost forgot.

Hmm?

Let's settle this once and for all.

Mrs Marsh, when you knock on a door, how many times do you knock?

Uh...

two?

Yes!

But sometimes three if they don't hear you?

Oh...

I suppose sometimes.

Suck it.

You led the witness.

Just asked a question.

Well, I'm gonna start dancing again, because I know that I'm right.

Well, I'm gonna do a victory dance.

You can do a different dance.

[Knocks twice]

Hey!

Am I running a disco?!

What's happening?

I don't like walking fast unless I have to pee.

Here.

What does "RRR" mean?

"Redheaded rat-rooter".

[Laughs]

I found your message in the cement.

Mate, I was 10.

Jenny's coming.

Who's that?

My sister.

Does she ride a motorbike?

Is she a tattoo artist?

Body builder?

Babs.

So good to see you.

"Babs"!

Grace: Well, I really hope I die in my sleep.

I want my last words to be...

"I'm so glad this doesn't hurt." Right.

"I'm so glad this doesn't hurt.

Thanks for all the awards." OK.

"I'm so glad this doesn't hurt, thanks for all the awards, and it's been an honour to be your president." You done?

Yes.

Shall we get some food?

Yes.

Oh!

"And I think I'll miss my great abs the most." OK, I'm done.