04x05 - Holy w*r, Part One

[bunniefuu]

(WYNONNA): Previously on "Wynonna Earp"... Special agent Arp.

- Welcome back to BBD.

- (CREATURE GROWLING)

The Clantons are in Purgatory.

(ALL): We vow to never forgive.

Sheriff Holt and Cocaine Cleo are Clantons?

(DOC): And that creature answers to them.

- (SCREAMING)

- We can't hang out anymore.

- I offer myself!

- Now that Waverly has been returned safely to you,

- it's time for you to deliver.

- Stay away from us.

- (DOC): You're better than this.

- What do you want me to do?

I want you to act like Wyatt Earp's

- great-great-granddaughter.

- Together we take back the Black Badge offices in Purgatory, then we hunt some g*dd*mn demons.

(SOFT CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

Oh!

Boner alert!

(GIGGLING)

Yeah, you look pretty good too...

- Sis.

- Yeah, we can get it.

(CHUCKLING)

- You ready?

- Ready?

Feel like I've been waiting my whole life.

C'mon.

Oh, I can't believe I'm walking down the aisle to become Waverly Earp's wife.

Well, you sacrificed a lot to keep this place safe.

Well, this place is my home, and you guys are my family.

If you say so.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

Wynonna, where's Waverly?

- She's not coming.

- (OMINOUS MUSIC)

Not after what you did.

What did I do?

I want to hear you say it.

I...

(SINISTER MUSIC)

I can't!

(MANIACAL LAUGHTER)

(GASPS)

I really can't.

(CHUCKLING)

(WYNONNA): Light me up.

After all, this is a celebration.

A celebration...

(SINISTER MUSIC)

(LAUGHING)

You ready?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(BLOWING, NICOLE COUGHING)

(ALL COUGHING)

(GASPS, SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPING)

(COUGHING)

(NICOLE): Fire.

(COUGHING)

Fire!

Fire!

♪ 'Cause I gave you all I got to give ♪

♪ I know that ain't no way to live ♪

♪ So I told that devil ♪

♪ To take you back ♪

♪ I told that devil ♪

♪ To take you back ♪

(SMOKE DETECTOR BEEPING)

- (COUGHING)

- Baby!

Baby!

Baby.

Baby.

(COUGHING)

- (g*n CLICKS)

- Mornin'.

What are you doing sneaking around my barn?

What are you doing sleeping with a p*stol under your pillow?

It's my bedroom.

I'll ask the questions.

- (g*n CLICKS)

- I've been keeping watch.

- Over me?

- Over all of you.

As of late, we have been under siege.

Hey.

"Fastest gunslinger in the west".

I outdrew you.

I did not draw at all.

Have you ever been outdrawn?

Honestly?

No.

Do you not need to...

... sleep anymore now that you're...

- (HISSES)

- It's one of the benefits of my condition.

We don't talk about that anymore.

There is much that we fail to discuss.

(SOFT MUSIC)

Talking is overrated.

Hmm.

(SNIFFING)

- Doc?

- Hmm?

Did you eat another fireman?

(INTENSE MUSIC)

- Waverly!

- Nicole!

Rachel!

(COUGHING)

I put...

I put it out, but we lost the couch.

And most of your p*rn.

Oh, my God!

Waverly!

sh*t!

Waverly, wake up!

Breathe, assh*le!

- (NICOLE COUGHING)

- Waverly!

- Wake!

- (GASPS)

- (COUGHING)

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

(NICOLE): Oh, my God!

Don't ever do that to me again.

I don't actually know what I did.

(SOFT MUSIC)

Luckily this old house was built by strong hands from stubborn wood.

That's what I used to call my last boyfriend.

- Inappropriate.

- Because he d*ed?

Or because he's Waverly's angel-dad?

Yes.

Did someone go into a TikTok trance and forget

- they were cooking again?

- This isn't on me.

Besides, the fire started in the living room.

Were you two...

on the couch, and then...

(MIMICS expl*si*n)

'Cause that's why they make lube.

- That's not why they make lube.

- Agree to disagree.

(SIGHS)

Okay, so if it wasn't Rachel, or us...

You guys think someone att*cked us?

You mean, att*cked us again?

The Clantons.

We don't know for sure it was them.

(FIRE CRACKLING)

Well then, who was it?

Doc was keeping watch.

All these prints are our own.

Like what, you've memorized our shoe sizes?

Correct.

There are no foreign prints or scents on the perimeter.

Whatever lit this fire, did not get here on foot.

So it was supernatural.

Perhaps.

Are the Clantons supernatural?

Well, that Reaper they sent after me, that slashed me with its Flo Jo nails...

That Billy called off with his DIY root canal...

That Doc couldn't k*ll with his fancy six-sh**t...

Yeah, that thing was definitely supernatural.

Except it walked on two legs.

So you're saying we should just let them keep coming at us?

I am urging us to find a more measured response.

This coming from the guy who works for the biggest - Demon Dong Corleone in town.

- I have never seen Amon's...

I definitely do not know the size of the...

Let's go take a look.

Say hello to my little friend!

(BOTTLE SHATTERING)

(UPBEAT HOUSE MUSIC)

- I thought you'd be wider.

- Wynonna Earp.

The Wynonna Earp.

Doc.

I'm so happy you finally brought her here to meet me.

Well, she goes where she pleases.

Despite my protestations.

So you must be Amon.

And in the future, if you want to hurt me, just say please.

You seem nice.

We need information.

Somebody tried to set the Earp Homestead ablaze.

Hmm...

Only a coward would set fire to a home full of women.

(SCOFFS)

That's kind of sexist.

And you can just say The Clantons.

I know it was them.

Um, we try not to say the "C" word around here.

They've always been a scourge.

Ebenezer or McDuck?

No, love, it's scourge.

Not Scrooge.

Well, if they're not Scrooge, then what are they?

Demon, Revenant?

Less and a little more than all of that.

Wynonna...

I think it's high time that you got your magic g*n and fought back.

Well, that's great advice, Dorothy Dix-head.

But I don't know where Peacemaker is.

(EERIE PIANO MUSIC)

But I do.

Yeah, okay, this is gonna have to go too.

You can take it or donate it to some sort of... stripper charity.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't pluck your eyes out like grapes.

And then steal these shades.

Look at me.

I am the captain, now.

By order of BBD.

I trust you received the paperwork - handing this office back to me?

- I did.

Good.

(SIGHS)

- Argh!

- (GLASS SHATTERING)

One less thing for the movers to get rid of.

And they'll be here soon.

Along with my team of special agents, so feel free to leave at any time.

Thank you.

For God's sakes, grow some balls, brother, before this entire town gets pulled out from underneath us.

Mam told us to stand down.

You really want to cross her again?

Aren't you tired of waiting for someone else to make our fate?

I've made my fate.

But I'd be lying if I didn't say, I am tired.

Waverly, Ms.

Haught.

- We know what you did.

- What's that?

b*at you out for being Sheriff?

Hey!

You came!

Of course we came!

(EXCITED SHOUTING)

Hey!

You kinda fell off the face of the earth on me.

Uh... there was a lot going on.

And I knew you could handle yourself.

Is that what I did?

We brought you an office-warming gift!

Oh!

Wicked!

Wha...

What do I put in it?

- Balls!

- I love balls!

I know!

(LAUGHING)

Why do you smell like burnt marshmallow cologne?

Is it unisex?

So, one of the benefits of owning a club is demons generally can't hold their liquor.

I'm not drinking that roofie-colada.

Yeah, they're just a bunch of sad, lonely, horny, sometimes literally horny...

demons, drinking and running their mouths.

Much the same as you are now.

So I heard...

a few talk about a place...

where cherished but forgotten items end up.

Peacemaker wasn't forgotten.

She just kinda disappeared on me.

And why, pray tell, would you help a demon-hunter find her demon slaying w*apon?

Well, because The Clantons are more powerful than me.

And I don't bottom for anyone.

- Not even you.

- Oh!

Isn't he like your boss?

You should call H.R.

There is a catch.

The people who have Peacemaker are going to want an offering.

Gold, frankincense?

Tickets to Lizzo?

Once you have what they need, they'll find you.

And if this turns out to be a wild goose chase, - we're gonna come back here and...

- k*ll the sh*t out of you.

What she said.

f*cking Clantons.

These are the last of the BBD files we had stashed at the Homestead.

Nice.

Uh, just put them by the cabinets.

Thanks.

- (DOOR LOCKS)

- There.

That should keep out Blah and Order for a while.

- (LOCK CLATTERS TO THE FLOOR)

- Get over here, Nerd-Burger!

Hey!

You are a welcome sight for these sore eyes.

Doc.

Oh, it feels so good to be home.

And in your arms.

Alright.

So, g...

Boners, listen up...

Turns out The Clantons are more than meets the eyes.

Amon wouldn't say exactly what, but he's scared of them.

And...

He knows where Peacemaker is.

(NICOLE CHUCKLES)

A demon wants to help you - find Peacemaker?

- We do not know how accurate this intelligence is.

So where is it?

Spill!

(WYNONNA): Okay, well, I don't know, but...

(OMINOUS MUSIC, DRILL WHIRRING)

Yo!

Extreme Makeover: h*m* Edition, k*ll the drill.

Sorry.

You know me and power tools.

It is risky, to put our faith in a demon with questionable morals.

I don't know, worked for me in the past.

I mean, what choice do we have?

All my BBD weapons failed you.

Uh, yeah.

We scoured the GRT for Peacemaker and...

Yahtzee.

We really need to teach you how to play that game properly.

- Mm-hmm.

- So then we agree.

- Even though Amon is a sexy...

- Ahem!

Sketchy...

demon douche, I have to trust him.

The team appears to be unanimous.

Yeah.

Speaking of the team, has anyone seen Rachel since this morning?

(PHONE VIBRATING)

(TYPING)

At the Rec Center.

So lame.

Barf emoji.

Home for dinner...

maybe.

- (EERIE MUSIC)

Huh.

Who knew the Ghost River Triangle had a museum.

Literally everyone?

(SIGHS)

They shouldn't let mean girls in here.

This should be a sacred space for geeks.

- Like Comic-Con.

- Special Collections.

A woman scorned.

She doesn't even go here!

Now mu-see-um, now you don't.

(MAN SPEAKING IN FILM)

Wrong turn, MapQuest.

(MAN): ... working as a stunt consultant on the film set... Is this the guy from Big Lebowski?

I've been called many things, Hero, lawman, m*rder*r. But destiny is that which we are drawn towards. And fate... is that which we run into. So you tell me if I had a choice. No, Wynonna.

That is your great, great-grandfather.

Wyatt Earp.

(SOFT WESTERN MUSIC)

- (DISTANT GIGGLING)

- Hello.

Whoa!

Okay, uh, sorry.

Did not mean to pull a Wynonna on you.

Why is Cleo's couch still here?

- Um, well, you know...

- We...

we asked the movers, um, to put it back...

So we could all have a place to hang out.

Oh.

Okay, yeah.

"Hang out".

Is that what the q*eer lady kids are calling it these days?

Look.

Binders!

(LAUGHING)

These are the archives that BBD had on the Old West Families of the GRT.

- Oh, cool!

- There must be something in here that can help us figure out - what The Clantons are.

- Yeah and how to take them down in case Wynonna can't find Peacemaker.

She's gonna find Peacemaker.

I couldn't.

Yeah, well, you're not the Earp heir.

Would you have called more often if I was?

On my phone that was being monitored?

Jeremy, where is Robin?

Look, all that matters is he's safe.

- We should get to work.

- Okay.

You're being super - cagey about this.

- Yeah, Nicole, because a lot of stuff happened while they...

While you were in the Garden.

And everyone that was left behind, we just...

We all did what we had to do to survive.

Okay?

(PAINED GROANING)

sh*t, I'm sorry.

I think I'm allergic to leopard print, or...

(PAINED GROANING)

(EERIE MUSIC)

(SCREAMING)

What is happening to me?

(COUGHING)

I can't wait anymore.

It's been over a year.

Can you help?

I would very much like to, but the price is steep.

I will do...

I will do, I will do anything to get her back.

Please.

Even this?

(WHISPERING)

If you'll save them from the Garden.

(CHUCKLING)

- (MAM'S LAUGHTER ECHOING)

- No...

No, I couldn't have promised that.

(PAINED GROANING, SHOUTING)

Nicole, what's wrong?

Hey.

Hey.

Waverly, it's all coming back to me.

I...

I did something terrible when you were in the Garden.

What?

I-I...

(VOMITING)

Sweetie, it's okay.

Just spit it out.

(VOMITING)

- (FROGS CROAKING)

- (JEREMY): Oh, my God.

You ate a billion frogs.

In , I was at a card table in Texas, and a man drew a p*stol at my back. I heard the sh*t, and I smelled the g*n powder. My would-be executioner behind me fell. sh*t to death by a dentist, of all things. John Henry Holliday saved my life. I knew then, I was bound to him. Forever. Who was the sh**t?

It never occurred to me to inquire.

Any man that would sh**t another man in the back does not deserve to be known, or remembered.

(MAN SPEAKING IN FILM)

You miss it, don't you?

The rules were simpler then.

Like "don't try to steal our baby"?

Rosita.

If Revenants were still around, she'd be my first appointment back when I got Peacemaker.

(g*nsh*t)

(MAN): Let's talk about the O.K. Corral. (WYATT): I have resisted in the past... - (MAN): It made you famous.

- (LAUGHING) That is true. But I knew there'd never be peace in Tombstone, or anywhere else with those vermin Clantons around. To tell the truth, I was glad when Doc Holliday took the first sh*t. What's the point of locking up backwater scum... I did not sh**t first.

(WYATT): Sooner or later, they simply slide through the bars, makes everything dirty again. That man was the most talented loose cannon I ever did see. At the end of our... time together, I just rolled Doc off whatever whore he was enjoying on that particular day, and point him in the direction of someone who needed to be got clean through. Geezers get fuzzy.

They remember things the way they want to.

Not the way they happened.

Yeah, well, I do not have the luxury of growing old and forgetting all the things I have done.

Well, next time don't make a deal with a stone witch and then became a vampire.

What would Wyatt think of all this?

Do you think he'd be proud of me?

I am no longer certain that you would be proud of him.

Come now.

We have a heist to attend to.

(SOFT MUSIC)

(WYATT CONTINUES TALKING)

- Ugh...

- You are massacring that onion.

Your hand still hurting?

Yeah, but I guess I deserve it.

- Nobody deserves this.

- Wish you'd tell her that.

- You first.

- (DOOR SLAMMING)

(CHUCKLES)

You're always so g*dd*mn emotional.

It's from the onion.

My whole life, I obsessed over the happenings at the O.K. Corral.

Half a minute that wiped out our entire clan.

But now...

finally, I have cause for celebration.

When I die, the charm that I possess will pass to my children.

Now, I have spent many long nights worrying over which of you will get the gift.

Made me near sick with dread, thinking our legacy would be left in your bumbling hands.

But then I read something on Oprah-dot-com, made me change my tune.

"I will not...

give my power over to the circumstances of my life".

Mam, what are you saying?

I have set the wheels in motion for the end of our enemies.

To the end... of the Earps.

(EERIE MUSIC)

So why is it you two look like you're at a funeral?

If it's all the same to you, I'd like to know the plan before I celebrate it.

Yeah, um, how exactly do you plan on k*lling the Earps?

Honey, the Earps and Doc Holliday don't deserve death.

They deserve to be destroyed.

By one another.

(GLASS BREAKING)

Damn women's softball league.

I need booze!

You look like you need an ambulance.

Whatever's wrong with her, it can't be fixed with modern medicine.

Have you tried chicken soup and a One Day At A Time marathon?

Tequila.

I gotta get the taste of frogs out of my mouth.

- Did you say frogs?

- Oh boy, did she ever.

Well yeah, apparently she did something terrible.

But every time she tries to tell us what it is, she throws up.

- (GAGGING)

- So we're dealing with what, some kind of hex?

With all the new creatures in town, it could be anything.

A warlock?

An incubus?

A SpongeBob?

Aww.

You did research!

- Sort of.

- (VOMITING)

We tried guessing for her too.

But every time we do, it's Big-Vom-Dot-Com.

- (FROGS CROAKING)

- Oh...

I don't...

(VOMITING)

No, you just shut your frog hole.

No!

Not on the froggies.

What?

It's not their fault.

- Sweetie...

- I need a pen!

If I can't tell you guys, maybe, I can...

- (NICOLE BREATHING HEAVILY)

- Okay, okay, okay...

You were cursed by...

Sperm?

- What?

- No.

I think they're tadpoles.

That makes much more sense.

Yup.

I was trying to write words!

Look, it seems to me the thing to do here is to forget about the cause.

- We need to focus on a cure.

- Okay.

What...

(VOMITING)

(FROGS CROAKING, NICOLE CRYING)

- Oh, my God.

- Indeed.

You're sure this is it?

Only someone truly evil would value this abomination.

It's called "A Woman Scorned".

You know who got scorned?

The doink who paid actual money for this wank of art.

So, um...

Should I slip into my Catsuit and slink through the security lasers?

As much as I would love to see that...

we have already dawdled too long.

Right.

So we sh**t out the cameras, knock out the elderly volunteer behind the desk, - and hop a train to Mexico.

- Or...

(WYNONNA SHIVERS)

Still hot.

You can't just like, take stuff.

Wise words from a leader of tomorrow.

Get bent, Regina Bored!

(WYNONNA LAUGHING)

Now what?

Amon said once we procured the painting, the collectors would appear.

That's a big ass tramp stamp.

It's a Celtic Sisters Knot.

It symbolizes sisterhood and the strong, eternal bond that women share.

I once made the acquaintance of some sorority sisters from Wesleyan.

They did in fact have tattoos of that symbol on their...

Great story.

- (LOUD CHIMING BELLS)

- Ahh!

(CHIMING STOPS)

What in tarnation?

Wynonna?!

What the...

hell-o?!

Welcome to the Sanctuary of the Scorned Woman.

Oh damn.

J.C.

ghost you on Bumble?

These are dangerous and uncertain times, - Wynonna Earp.

- Oh great, you've heard of me.

Wait.

Is that great?

This sanctuary is a place of cleansing for women who have lost their way.

Women like you.

(WYNONNA): Says who, Mother Inferior?

I'm exactly where I want to be.

I see I've struck a chord.

Yeah.

You struck the whole damn choir, Whoopi.

You misunderstand me.

I'm releasing these women from the judgments they've placed on themselves.

I could do the same for you.

(WYNONNA SCOFFS): I'm not really a habit kind of gal.

Unless those habits include, uh, you know, cheap whiskey and broody men.

I'm just here because you have something that belongs to me.

And...

vicey-versey.

(SOFT ETHEREAL MUSIC)

(SPEAKING LATIN): Purga te, mulier, et liberi eritis.

Hey, you break it, you bought it.

Holy sh*t.

I don't want the painting.

I want the woman in the painting.

And I want my sword-g*n back.

Then take it.

Peacemaker, where you at, Mama?

It's me, old girl.

It's Wynonna.

Peacemaker, come!

Perhaps the w*apon is rejecting you because its duty to you is complete.

Now you listen to me, godda...

Gosh doink-it!

The curse may be broken, but they still need me.

Alright, everybody still needs me to keep them safe.

So this thing between you and I ain't over until I say it's over!

Perhaps it's time for you to choose a life of peace.

How?

When the monsters keep coming and coming, how am I supposed to live a normal life?

And why the f*ck would I want to?

Just once I'd like someone to come in with flowers.

Was the painting simply a ruse to get Wynonna gone?

Uh, best you refrain from saying something we'll both regret.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

I don't know where Wynonna went, but if it was a trap it wasn't set by me.

Because, I don't pick sides.

I'm in it for myself.

Does that sound familiar?

- You would do well...

- (g*n CLICKING)

... not to compare yourself to me.

Oh, come on, Doc.

It's a compliment.

It's how we've both managed to survive for centuries.

I am no cockroach.

No.

But you're still alive.

Noble men do not have the luxury of being neutral in times of w*r.

(RHYTHMIC MUSIC)

We have not been formally introduced.

I know who you are, you know who I am.

So what do you actually want?

There are more traditional spots for a man like you to wet his whistle.

I'm not a traditionalist.

I just wanted a beer.

You are a bold sort, I will give you that.

The whole Clanton lot.

You keep my family's name out of your mouth, you hear?

You would be dead before you drew.

This whole "Fastest Gunslinger in the West"?

Is that something to be proud of?

sh**ting people who don't have a chance to fight back?

Some people deserve to be sh*t.

And who decides that?

Because the history books say one thing, my family says another.

(LAUGHING)

So you tell me...

Do you deserve a b*llet?

(SETTING g*n DOWN)

Or do I?

(g*n CLICKING)

Maybe...

I let fate decide?

Whatever side we fight on, the blood we shed to win the w*r will damn us all.

It's not a w*r, Holliday.

It's just a town.

Filled with women who would have us both fight to the death.

- Hey.

- I'm sorry, Waverly.

No.

Don't apologize.

I like taking care of you.

I'd be happy do it for the rest of our lives.

Yeah.

I guess we gotta talk about the engagement...

Yeah.

But it's hard to make it a priority, when, you know, you're voiding amphibians.

No, it's not that, Waverly.

It's that I...

(GAGGING)

You did something terrible.

Right?

But you being you, how terrible could it be?

Okay, guys.

I have dug up three possible cures.

Option number one: a spell-reflecting ceremony.

Worst case scenario, we do it wrong, and you turn into a demon dog.

Ugh, pass.

I'm a cat person.

Yeah, me too.

Okay...

Option number two: an exorcism where we drown you in salted holy water.

- Drown me?

- You caught that part, huh?

Yeah.

We are not drowning my girlfriend.

Okay, fine.

Option number three: we brew an antidote soup made out of fennel, jasmine, and nettles.

- That sounds okay.

- Worst case scenario?

If we don't get the correct ratio of ingredients, uh, your intestines might turn into snakes.

These really were the only choices.

Okay, so, uh...

let's do um...

...

snake-gut soup?

- Yeah.

- Plus with Purgatory's best, brightest, most beautiful brains on the case, I mean, I'm gonna be cured in no...

(GAGGING)

Okay...

- (VOMITING)

- What in unholy hell have you been eating?

Hey, I got it.

(TENSE MUSIC)

It's like she puked the Dagobah System.

(PHONE VIBRATING)

_ (SIGHS)

_ (PHONE RINGING TONE)

(FIRE CRACKLING)

(DISTANT CELL PHONE RINGTONE)

(DOOR CLOSING)

I come bearing apology beer.

Waverly told me everything.

(NICOLE SIGHS)

I'm really sorry about Spewapalooza.

Obviously the Clantons came after me, and you got caught in the frog fire.

(CAN OPENING)

- It wasn't you, Wynonna.

- (SIGHING)

I wouldn't blame you for not wanting to join this family, honestly.

First it's Revenants, then frogs, next it'll be fiery hail and locusts.

(LAUGHING)

Well, it would take a lot more than some Egyptian plagues to keep me from wanting to marry your sister.

Then what are you two waiting for?

I'm scared Waverly won't want to when she finds out what I did.

Pfft.

I wanna ask what that is, but I just de-honked my boots.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, here's what I know you didn't do...

You didn't give up on us when we were in the Garden.

And a year and a half, that's a long time to keep the faith.

Thing is, I did give up.

Not at first.

At first, I believed that Waverly, and you, and Doc were gonna get home safe.

Then months went by, and so I woke up one day and...

(GAGGING)

Nicole.

Did you do something to get us home?

- (GAGGING)

- Never mind, I didn't ask, I didn't ask.

La-la-la-la.

Oh, God.

Do you wanna hear my sob story?

Un-huh, I do, really.

Peacemaker actively rejected me today.

You want me to frog-barf on her?

(CHUCKLING)

Yes.

I did manage to get my hands on this stupid thing.

Finding this scorned woman is the only sh*t I have at getting my g*n back.

But this...

This could be anywhere, so...

Oh, well, that's Steve Gulch.

- Who now?

- I once had to rescue these two guys named Steve, they fell there while they were bouldering, and got stuck.

Naked.

There are no good men left.

Mm, definitely no good Steves.

(GAGGING)

- (GAGGING)

- Jesus, Haught, should I...

No, no, I'm good.

I'm good, I just...

(PAINED GROANING)

I'm gonna just go check on that cure.

- (DOOR CLOSING)

- Are you alright?

Better than Nicole.

We're almost done.

We just have to let it simmer for an hour and then...

Babe?

- No!

- What are you doing?!

- Oh, my God!

- I'm so sorry...

Oh!

Quick.

Help me save some!

- Yeah, okay.

- (INTENSE MUSIC)

You are certain the g*n was there?

Yeah.

I could feel it.

I just couldn't make it come.

That's what she said.

I guess it makes sense, I'm not...

... the heir anymore, now that the curse is broken.

Or much of anything.

(CAN CLATTERING)

You are everything.

Wait, what did you mean, at the museum, that I might not be proud of Wyatt?

We were immortalized as heroes for murdering a family of ne'er-do wells.

The Clantons were dickheads.

They took whatever they wanted, they m*rder*d people, - stole their land.

- It was the Old West.

The only difference between them and us were the stars pinned to our chests.

I have often been left to ponder, Wynonna...

whether or not this legacy of bloodshed will be the ruin of everyone we love.

Perhaps, we should take our cue from an ironically named Buntline.

Could be we should aspire to...

make peace.

Oh, my God.

Did everyone take Gandhi pills this morning?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

What up, Kermit?

What the hell, Bog Breath?!

Ahh!

Son of a...

Jesus.

Squeeze harder!

Why are you fighting Nicole?!

- (BOTH): She started it!

- What?

- Look away, baby girl.

- Why?

'Cause gingers are bleeders.

- Wynonna!

- Well...

Babe.

- (GROWLING)

- Come on.

Oh no.

No, no, no.

What the hell was that?

The darkest of magics.

Well, that's it.

Hide your kids, hide your wives!

Because we are storming the f*cking castle.

And by castle, I mean ranch!

And by storming, I mean we are putting the "k*ll" back in k*ll-lanton...

Can you not do that right now during my rousing speech?

I even just dropped an F b*mb.

Those are my clothes.

The ones you were wearing last night before bed.

They smell of gasoline.

I started the Homestead fire.

Let's go.

Wynonna.

You need Peacemaker.

We don't have time, Nicole.

Look what they did to you.

Look what they tried to make you do to us!

Those creatures they have...

Without Peacemaker, this is a su1c1de mission.

- I agree.

- Of course you do.

Look.

Don't jump to Plan Z before we've even tried Plan A.

- Which is what, exactly?

- We have to find the woman in the painting, and bring her to the sanctuary.

Yeah.

And then, if Peacemaker doesn't show itself...

Then we take on the Clantons, and their monsters, together.

(SIGHS)

Fine.

You go find some rope, 'cause you're gonna tie up your girlfriend.

- Won't be the first time.

- Okay.

We need mount up for the gulch.

Are you okay with this?

Well, I don't want you to kamikaze yourself for me.

Let's go.

(EERIE MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

There is not much left.

All of it went down the sink.

Make it tighter.

Waverly, it has to be tighter!

Well, I don't want to hurt you.

Maybe just go get the handcuffs from upstairs.

- (CLEARING THROAT)

- Okay.

Good idea.

(CURIOUS MUSIC)

No.

No, I'm not gonna do it!

(CELL PHONE RINGTONE)

_ (SINISTER MUSIC)

(SHIVERS)

Hello?

- Hey.

- Hey.

- They're here.

- Oh.

Better let me.

- I'm the pro.

- Sure.

At least, I used to be.

I just need you to know one thing.

- Okay.

- I love you, Waverly Earp.

And no matter what happens, those are the truest words - I'll ever speak.

- Baby.

(CUFFS CLICKING)

What the hell?

What the hell?

Nicole.

Nicole!

- Jeremy, do something!

- I am!

But you're not gonna like it!

Wait, wait.

You're sure about this?

You know we don't have another choice.

No, no, no, no.

- Yeah...

- No, no!

Argh, I'm gonna k*ll you!

I gotta talk to that softball league.

(PANTING)

Nedley...

Okay, hey, before you say anything, I am so, so sorry that I spent the last year and a half trying to k*ll you.

Well, to be fair, I was a puffball monster.

And I did eat several people's pets.

I should've known it was you.

And I shouldn't have given up.

Because that's what I did.

I gave up.

- Nicole...

- Time and time again, you have been there for me.

And I let you down.

I let everyone down.

But today, - I'm going to change that.

- You need my help.

- It's a big ask.

- Whatever you need.

I need you to k*ll me.

(INTENSE MUSIC)

(WYNONNA): You know, I don't care how many Steves fell down here, it's still a dumb name.

Well, finally something we do agree on.

Don't get testy with me.

You're the famous gunslinger who's turned into Jane Fonda all of a sudden.

Well, her work-outs are sublime.

(WYNONNA SIGHS)

Being the Earp heir is the only job I've ever had that I was good at, besides strip club DJ.

Just because you're rejecting your legacy, doesn't mean I have to reject mine.

A fine pair we are.

Blood on our hands, and both too stubborn to wash them off.

It appears we have found our Woman Scorned.

Oy, lady!

You're coming with us!

(INTENSE MUSIC)

(BOTH): Rosita?!

_ (JEREMY): No!

Your survival instinct's kicking in!

(VOICES ECHOING)

(INTENSE MUSIC)

(HEARTBEAT POUNDING LOUDLY)

(SPEAKING LATIN)

(WAVERLY): Jeremy!

Hey.

I know how this looks, but I'm asking you to trust us.