04x22 - Crime & Punishment

[bunniefuu]

People have come from all over the city to mourn.

The grief is palpable.

But the lights from these candles have never shone brighter.

Pizza Rat, dead tonight at the age of four.

Kit.

All right, Haley, thank you for that.

I think it's gonna be a long, sad night for all of us, huh?

2017 strikes again.

Indeed it does.

In other news, we are just days away now from the start of a trial for NYPD detectives Jake Peralta and Rosa Diaz.

They were arrested two months ago for a whole string of bank robberies.

The pair are currently out on bail but, if convicted, face up to 15 years in prison.

Yeah, Anna, these disgraced detectives were apprehended after a months-long investigation by hero cop Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins.

They're guilty.

Super duper guilty.

While there is little to no public information about Detective Diaz, Channel 12 has learned this isn't the first time Peralta has been on the wrong side of the law.

We just uncovered cell phone footage from a Criss Angel magic show.

I just want to know how he did it.

He's a mind freak!

A mind freak!

♪ Okay, update on our trial prep.

This is our lawyer, Samuel Miller, who, in many ways, is in charge of our defense.

In every way.

Well, "many" is part of "every." I'm facing 15 years in prison.

st let me have this.

Okay.

So, prosecution's case is strong.

You two were caught red-handed robbing a bank by one of the NYPD's most esteemed detectives in front of two dozen eyewitnesses.

Right, but can't Captain Holt just testify he knew you were trying to take down Hawkins from the inside?

Unfortunately, no.

Legally you can't testify for your best friend.

- That's not a law.

- No?

- Sam?

- Not a law.

Well, point is, he didn't deny we're best friends.

The investigation was off the books.

There's no evidence proving it even existed.

Doesn't matter anyway.

We don't need your testimony, because we have...

the meat fork.

What?

Our two-pronged defense.

Not unlike a fork you would use to flip a steak on a grill.

It's a meat fork!

Sam, explain the meat fork to them.

Again, "meat fork" is fun, but under no circumstances should anyone say that in court.

We have it if we need it.

Tell them about the first prong.

We have airtight alibis for the other three bank robberies you all are accused of.

Yes, I pulled time sheets, witness statements, and security footage.

We can show that both of you weren't present at any of the other robberies, except...

March 12th.

Still not sure where Rosa was.

And you never will be.

Okay, reminder: privacy is cool, but if you don't tell us, we're gonna go to jail for a long time.

Fine.

I was at a "La La Land" sing-along.

Really?

- What's that?

- Enough.

- Just move on to the next prong.

- Yep.

Prosecution claims you stole $26 million, but they can't trace that money to you in any way.

Yeah, I have negative $73 in my bank account.

Ba-boom!

I'm somehow embarrassed and proud of you at the same time.

Yeah, that's my sweet spot.

Okay, so that's where we stand.

Are there any questions or comments?

Yes, there's something I'd like to say.

Don't lose.

Thought that was gonna be longer.

- I loved it.

- It was perfect.

Hey, Boyle.

How you doing there, bud?

I'm fine.

I'm great.

Well, I hear your mouth say that, but the rest of your head is telling a different story.

Feels like the stress of the upcoming trial is starting to get to you.

Oh, is this about my hair turning white?

Yes, definitely.

It's not just the head hair.

It's all of it.

All.

Of.

It.

I get it.

It's like an Eagles concert down there.

Nothing but whites.

Understood.

You got white pubes.

There's no need to stress out.

The lawyer's very confident.

Not good enough.

I need to do everything I can to save Jake.

Charles, you're falling apart.

And that's not helping anyone.

You need to get your crap in order.

Okay, you're right.

I'll take a nap.

I'll eat.

I'll dye my pubes.

You can dye all your hair.

No.

There's no time.

Hey.

Big day.

How you feeling?

Good.

Good.

I was just working on my innocent face.

Check it out.

"I'm a nice boy." Oh, no.

I don't think that's doing what you want it to at all.

Oh.

Well, it doesn't matter, because my normal face is my innocent face, because I'm innocent.

I know.

I just hope the jury knows too.

Should we talk about what happens if they somehow find you guilty?

That's not happening.

But what we should talk about is how we're gonna celebrate when I win.

I'm thinking we take a trip to Paris or London, Rome, anywhere Jason Bourne has driven a car down some stairs.

Paris sounds fun.

Or we could just go somewhere we could actually afford.

Oh, we can afford it.

Don't forget I robbed a bank.

I'm sitting on $26 million, baby!

Excuse me?

Oh!

He's just kidding.

Yeah, I'm innocent.

You'll see when we get in there.

Nice talking to you, Judge.

Okay, you ready?

Yeah.

I love you.

I know.

Han Solo.

Love you too.

You got this.

You got this.

You got this.

- Charles, you're...

- In a wheelchair, yep.

My back gave out when I was dyeing my pubes.

I was only halfway done.

I'm like Cruella de Vil down there.

Okay, well, I need to go be on trial for bank robbery now, so maybe we can talk about this later?

Oh, right.

Good luck.

Good luck to you.

- About the...

- Yes.

Thank you.

Okay.

Psst!

Hey, Jake.

I got you.

Don't worry about it.

Really?

How?

Among my many, many, many skills, I'm fluent in face.

I can tell you what the jury's thinking at any given moment.

I see an eyebrow twitch, I'm like, "Oh." If their cheek has a certain tension, okay, that leads me a different way.

Watch this.

Scully, you're wondering if anyone can smell your fart.

The answer, my brother, is yes.

She's a witch.

What'd I tell you, boy?

Trust me.

- I got you.

- Okay.

- Hey.

- Hey.

I like your stupid courtroom clothes.

Thanks.

I like your stupid courtroom clothes.

Thank you.

You know, if you had asked me back at the Academy where I wanted to be in 12 years, I definitely would have said right here.

Same.

Great.

So it all worked out.

End of story.

All rise for the honorable Judge Marinovich.

Please.

You may be seated.

Court is in session.

Now, Miss Crunder, you were in the bank at the time of the holdup.

Did you see the robbers' faces?

Plain as day.

They're sitting right there.

Let the record show, she's pointing at Jake Peralta and Rosa Diaz.

Okay, the jurors found that super compelling.

Just an update.

Thanks, Gina.

So, like, you're not making a good first impression.

Right.

Thank you.

No doubt.

Hey.

Don't worry.

We got this.

We still have our alibis.

We weren't at the first three robberies.

Sure, they weren't at the first three robberies.

But that's just so they'd have airtight alibis.

Uh-oh.

They were only at the last robbery 'cause we were short on manpower.

Our other two guys disappeared.

I think those bastards k*lled them.

- Come on.

- What?

Objection.

Conjecture!

Sustained.

Sorry, you say it.

Sustained.

We both sounded equally authoritative.

Prong one's not looking so great.

Well, that's why we have second prong.

They can't tie us to the money.

Just this morning, my team uncovered two accounts from the Cayman Islands controlled by Diaz and Peralta containing $26 million between them.

It's okay.

She has no proof.

These are the original applications for the accounts signed by Diaz and Peralta.

This is the affidavit from the bank manager identifying them as the owners of the account, and these are the deposit slips for the entire amount.

Oh, no.

Rosa, we don't have any more prongs.

We're prongless.

Oh, and one more thing.

They're guilty.

No, we are not.

Please don't address the jury, Mr.

Peralta.

But...

but...

but...

One more "but," and you will be in contempt.

"One more 'but' and you're contempt," name of your sex tape.

Okay, I know it looks bad.

But it also looked bad for Liam Neeson in "The Grey." He got torn up by wolves in that movie.

That's how it ends?

Oh, man.

That is depressing.

Why would someone make a movie about that?

Okay, here's how the jury's feeling from left to right, L to R: not a fan of Jake, not of a fan of Rosa, not a fan of me, bathroom incident...

We get it.

They all hate us.

In toto, yes.

Some good news.

I spoke to the judge, and he's giving us an extra day to review the new evidence.

What are they gonna find in one day?

Face it, man, we are going to jail.

We might as well start hiding razor blades under our tongues.

Here.

You can have one of mine.

How long has that been in there?

- Since grade school.

- Yeah, that checks out.

No one's going to jail.

We're gonna work this case, and we're gonna find something.

You're not gonna sit back and resign yourselves to your fates.

You're gonna take action.

Now, Hawkins can destroy your alibis and put money in your accounts...

Wait, sir.

I think Hawkins just made her first mistake.

What are you talking about?

Well, the money that she put into our accounts didn't just appear out of thin air, right?

Right.

It was transferred in from somewhere.

We just have to trace it back to its source.

Which would be Lieutenant Hawkins.

But those are offshore accounts.

We can't subpoena them.

So we need to break in to the bank's computers.

We need a hacker.

Does anyone know a hacker?

Boyle does.

I'm Boyle!

I get to help!

Oh, my God.

I can feel my legs again.

I can walk.

Yes!

It's a miracle kind of.

See?

When the Nine-Nine puts our brains together, we can achieve anything.

Hey, we should team up and rob banks for real!

You should stop talking in the hallway.

Yep, copy that.

Nice to see you.

Okay, Boyle, tell us about your hacker.

Okay, he goes by the handle "Pandemic," and there's not a network he can't cr*ck.

He's a phantom, a ghost.

And only I know where to find him.

Welcome to Hey, Hey, It's Wednesday's!, where it's never the weekend.

Be right with ya.

Are you sure about this hacker, Charles?

I'm not getting a strong "Mr.

Robot" vibe from this place.

Yeah, that's because the only thing Pandemic loves more than hackin' computers is hackin' into a big old fried onion.

Oh, there he is.

Hey guys, welcome to the Quarantine.

Help yourselves to some potstickers.

Best eaten when hot.

No thanks.

Here are the account numbers for the bank where the money showed up.

Now, we're in a real hurry.

You think you can trace it back to its source?

Are you questioning my abilities?

Watch this.

What's your name?

- Why do you need...

- Terrence Vincent Jeffords.

Wait.

What's happening?

You're getting hacked, bro.

That's what's happening.

- Don't do that.

- I'm in your home computer.

You are?

Get out.

You got a lot of songs by Natalie Imbruglia.

Uh, I bought those back in the '90s.

Nope.

Downloaded on Thursday.

Okay, now watch the Pandemic spread.

There's a document in here that looks to be fan fiction for the show "Madam Secretary." Oh, Sarge, I didn't know you were a fan of the Madam.

The show leaves Terry wanting more.

I'm just filling in the gaps!

Now get to hacking.

Guys, I think I found something.

Is it my heart medicine?

My doctor said that if I miss even one dose, I could have a massive stro...

No, Scully, this is important.

I was going through the arrest reports filed by everyone in Hawkins' squad.

We already went over these.

Right, but there was one guy we didn't flag because he was never the arresting officer: Detective Matthew Langdon.

I think something went down between him and Hawkins.

Well, he had a stellar 14-year career Before joining Hawkins's squad.

Then, three months later, he quit the force entirely.

He didn't just quit.

He disappeared.

No tax records.

No known address.

His wife filed a missing persons report.

But after doing some incredible sleuthing, I think I figured out where he is.

Ames, how would you like to take a romantic trip to the town of...

"Horseditch, Pennsylvania"?

Ooh.

The Paris of the mud belt?

Oui, oui.

Wee-wee.

Anyway, it's huge stakes.

We should get going.

Good luck.

Has anyone seen Diaz?

She's supposed be looking into the first two bank robberies.

I saw her outside the courthouse.

She gave me her jacket and her motorcycle helmet.

Why would she give you her favorite jacket?

Because I'm a rebel, and we're in love.

Doi.

Diaz, I've been calling you.

Why weren't you answering your phone?

Don't have it.

I charged it and stuck it on a truck headed west.

What's with the suitcase?

- Going to Malaysia.

- You're going to Malaysia?

No, the suitcase is going to Malaysia.

I'm getting on a bus to Florida.

What's in Florida?

Airport.

I'm flying to Argentina.

- This is very complicated.

- Thank you.

Adrian has a ranch in the Andes where he goes when he's on the run.

He's already there, getting rid of the scorpions.

adding more scorpions.

I don't know.

The reception was real bad.

Diaz, I know you're scared, but things are starting to turn around.

We're on the money trail, and we just found a new lead.

With all due respect, sir, both you and I know that none of that is gonna pan out.

And you said yourself I should take action.

So I am, in Argentina, surrounded by scorpions.

Or not surrounded by scorpions.

I'll find out when I get there.

Look.

I know you're innocent, but fleeing the country is a crime.

I could arrest you right here.

Do it then.

I didn't think so.

The mortgage is paid off.

You can give the place to whoever you want.

I don't care.

Actually, I do care.

Don't give it to Hitchcock.

I'll have the Mid-Week Potato Leak soup, and he'll have a "There's Work Tomorrow So Be Cool Frozen Margarita." Who are you?

You can call me Nightmare.

But for check writing purposes, it's Jennifer Huggins.

The bank's encryption turned out to be more secure than I thought, so I had to bring in a friend.

Just tell us if this is impossible.

We don't have a lot of time to waste, and we've been here, like, five hours already.

Huh.

You don't think I can do this?

Is it because I'm a woman?

No, no, I didn't say that.

- I think women are amazing.

- Thank you.

And now I'm about to hack your world into pieces, old man.

That'll show you.

No.

Just do the thing with the bank.

- That'll show me.

- Whoa.

Looks like someone was a catalog model in Japan.

Whoa!

Those boots.

That slicker.

The no pants.

Who's the target audience for these pics, Sarge?

I was a starving student.

Terry needed the yen!

Babe, are you sure we're in the right place?

This looks like where they sh*t "The Village." Amy, don't say things like that.

You're gonna scare me.

You know that.

I think Langdon's wife's been secretly visiting him.

She posted a photo in March of a snowstorm, but there was no snow in New York.

The picture was geotagged right...

here.

"Flaxton Hill Farms." Check it out.

There's a car in the driveway.

Somebody's home.

Matthew Langdon?

Are you there?

We'd like to talk to you about Melanie Hawkins.

Whoa!

Don't sh**t!

But seriously, don't.

Don't sh**t.

If I were you I'd turn around and start walking.

Because in about three seconds, I'm gonna start sh**ting.

Oh, God.

He did the g*n cock.

This is escalating much too quickly, and three seconds is not enough time...

- Jake...

- Right, focus.

Sorry.

Sir, we know you worked with Hawkins.

Did she send you here?

- No.

- No.

We're not with her.

We're like the opposite of that.

She set me and my friend up.

We could go to jail.

Why should I believe you?

Look, if you let me slowly reach into my jacket pocket, there's an article open on my phone that will explain everything.

That's a video of a monkey humping a frog.

What?

Oh.

That's my bad.

It was a long ride up here, and I got bored.

Here.

Close that tab.

That's the article.

Hawkins ran you out of New York and took away your life.

If you help us, maybe we can help you get it back.

Fine.

I'll talk to you, but you gotta follow me; I gotta go feed the hogs.

Oh, my God, what are you gonna feed them?

Is it us?

Corn.

Hmm, corn.

Maize, as there was at the first Thanksgiving.

- Jake.

- Right.

Let's go talk.

All right, guys.

Let's order a round of "Hey, Hey, It's Light Beer, Light Beer" and get into it.

Um, who is this guy?

These offshore banks are incredibly secure, so we needed more manpower.

But what makes you think that he would be...

Charles, don't talk.

Do not challenge this very capable gentleman in any way.

Just let him get to work.

Okay, thanks.

So you understand we're not questioning your ability at all.

Of course not.

But I don't know you guys, so just to be safe, I did dig up some dirt on you to use as blackmail in case things go south.

On both of us?

- Just Terry Jeffords.

- Yup.

Or should I say Sir-Dance-Alot?

Oh, come on!

Turn the volume up!

Mommy can't hear us in Da Bassment.

Oof.

at's embarrassing.

Sarge, you gotta scrub-a-dub-dub that profile.

Oof.

It's pungent out here.

It's so weird how food smells so good but farms smell so bad.

Yeah, I think that every day.

So...

Hawkins?

I caught her taking payoffs from a g*ng leader.

When I confronted her about it, she said I could disappear or she'd k*ll me.

I see why you chose pig farming.

It's better than death.

Not during the spring thaw.

Why?

Does it smell even worse somehow?

I was talking about the noises.

It's pig mating season.

What does that sound like, a bunch of wet bagpipes?

That's exactly it.

- Oh.

Nailed it.

- Hey.

Yeah.

The worst part about it is, I had to leave my wife behind.

If Hawkins knew we were still together, I'm afraid she'll k*ll her.

If you testify to this in court, it would back up everything Jake and Rosa are saying.

It could sway the jury.

You could take Hawkins down and get your life back.

I've tangled with her enough to know that she always wins.

So it's a no.

Come on.

You're our last chance.

I can't help you.

That's final.

Oh, my God.

Is this seat taken?

You really gonna do this, Diaz?

My name is Rachel Weinstein.

I am a graduate student on sabbatical to study birds at the University of Buenos Aires.

You know, Cornell has a far better ornithology department, and it's right here in New York.

Cornell has accused me of robbing a bank and is gonna send me to jail for 15 years.

I guess we're dropping the metaphor.

I don't know why you're here.

You're not gonna change my mind.

I know.

I just wanted to say good-bye.

Okay.

Good-bye.

I hope you know your family's gonna miss you.

I don't care.

I barely speak to them.

I was talking about the Nine-Nine.

Be safe, Rachel Weinstein.

I guess now we have to actually talk about what happens if the jury finds me guilty.

They still might not.

We could still go to Paris.

Forget Paris.

Billy Crystal.

Nailed it.

I'll wait for you.

And I'll keep fighting for you and so will everyone at the Nine-Nine.

We'll do whatever it takes.

I love you.

I love you.

Okay.

Let's go back to New York.

You can choose the music.

Just put on anything by Enya.

No, not anything.

"Orinoco Flow." On repeat.

Okay.

Wait.

I'm coming with you.

You are?

You'll testify?

Hawkins has cost me and my wife too many years of happiness.

I'm not gonna let her do the same to you.

Thank you so much.

Well, I'm gonna grab my stuff, and I'll get a few CDs.

Hope you like Enya.

Matthew Langdon, you and I are vibing so hard!

Where are Jack and Rosa?

I don't know.

I'm getting worried, because the jury's getting restless, especially juror number 4.

She'd rather be in Lake Havasu with her new boyfriend, Derek.

I didn't get that from her face.

I was eavesdropping by the vending machine, so...

I just got a text from Peralta.

- He's a few minutes away.

- And Diaz?

Perhaps a bit more than a few minutes away.

- I think there's a chance...

- I'm here!

Sorry, traffic was a nightmare coming back from Philadelphia...

cheesesteak restaurant.

They do breakfast.

It checks out.

Okay.

So what happened?

I guess I wasn't ready to say good-bye to my family.

Good.

Neither were we.

Now what I'm picking up on is just a genuine moment of friendship and respect.

And now I'm feeling like you wish I would stop analyzing you 'cause I'm ruining the moment.

But you guys are so cute.

I love you.

All rise for the honorable Judge Marinovich.

Please, be seated.

The court is in session.

Counselor, where is Mr.

Peralta?

Objection!

♪ Mr.

Peralta, what is the meaning of this?

Your Honor, I'd like to call a surprise witness.

You're not an attorney.

Right.

Sam, call a surprise witness.

Okay.

Uh...

We'd like to call a surprise witness.

The jury's like, "Oh, snap, a twist." Like, they love twists.

Any great trial has a twist.

I'm getting worried.

We're running out of time.

It's fine.

This place is open 24-5.

Only closed on weekends.

Such a strange theme for a restaurant.

Agreed.

But that's not what I meant.

Did you guys find anything yet?

Yes.

Terry made a sizable purchase at an Etsy store that sells anklets for men.

Sharon thinks they're sexy.

Oh, come on!

Focus on the case, man.

Hey, hey, hey!

I'm in!

Can you state your name for the record?

My name is Matthew Langdon.

Mr.

Langdon, do you know Melanie Hawkins?

Yes.

I worked for her for three months in 2010.

And you are a retired...

NYPD detective, correct?

Yes, I served for 14 years.

Gotcha!

Sorry.

Proceed.

The money that was deposited was routed through five banks.

Now, I can't link it to Hawkins, but the original transfer came from this shell corp.

- Huh.

- Doesn't ring a bell.

I'll text the squad, see if anyone recognizes it.

"Flaxton Hill Holdings." "Flaxton Hill"?

Oh, no.

Flaxton Hill Farms.

Jake!

Jake!

Jake!

This was a mistake.

We have to get Langdon off the stand now.

What?

Why?

And how would you describe the Lieutenant?

He works for Hawkins.

He put the money in the accounts.

Oh, no.

Melanie Hawkins was the most honorable cop I ever worked with.

And the only reason that I'm here is because of that man, Jake Peralta.

He offered me $300,000 to lie and say that she set 'em up.

Okay, okay, this is bad.

This is really bad.

But just remember, we are not going to jail.

We didn't do it.

We're innocent.

Guilty.

On all charges.

Oh.

Guilty.

Very cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Cool.

Fremulon.

- Not a doctor.

- Shh!