06x05 - A Tale of Two Bandits

[bunniefuu]

Peralta, looks like an old friend of yours is back in town.

Who?

That guy Neil that you bunked with at sleepaway camp?

Oh, Neil from camp was the best.

He could pick up a milk carton with his butt cheeks.

He was so funny.

You know who else was funny?

Bill Cosby.

Charles, will you relax?

You're gonna love Neil.

It's not Neil.

Why would it be Neil?

It's Doug Judy.

Oh, right.

Someone we all know in a police capacity.

That makes more sense.

Someone's using his signature move to steal cars, plugging in to the OBD port and reprogramming the immobilizer module.

That's Doug Judy's MO, but it's not him.

He told me he went legit.

That's what he told you last time too, before he screwed you over.

Yeah, but he returned the diamonds to me eventually, and it turned out that was the only way to get Giggle Pig off the streets.

Wait, I may be confusing our adventures.

What year was the cruise?

Dude's a criminal.

People don't change.

Ever heard of Bruce Banner, the Incredible Hulk?

You might want to talk to his shirts and pants about people not changing.

Well, I want to ask Doug Judy some questions.

You have his number?

I always make contact through his mom.

I'll put you in touch with her, but remember, she thinks I'm his assistant Mangy Carl, and he's a famous architect who's designing LeBron James's new school for black astronauts.

Hello, Mrs.

Judy?

I'm looking for your son, the architect.

Yes, I'm from...

black NASA.

[whispering]

Is that a thing?

Oh, my.

I didn't know.

I understand.

Good-bye.

So Doug Judy will not be coming in.

What?

Why not?

Oh, I see.

He is dead.

[upbeat music]

♪ Wow, I don't know how to deal with all these emotions, Terry.

No one I've been close with has ever d*ed before.

No tragic accidents to friends.

All my grandparents are alive.

How did you deal when Hodor d*ed?

Not well, Terry.

Why would you bring that up?

Carl?

Mangy Carl?

Yes.

That is me.

I'm Trudy Judy, Doug's sister.

This is our aunt Patrice.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Doug really loved you.

Oh, he talked about me?

Oh, all the time.

He was so afraid he'd fall back into your old life.

Doug made Mangy Carl an assistant at the architecture firm.

He rescued him from a life on the streets.

Yeah, I was down on my luck, not a penny to my name.

You were selling your body for money.

Did Doug tell you that?

He said all your teeth fell out, and your mouth was just a rotten hole.

100% accurate.

Plus you were sick from those back-alley butt implants.

Had to have 'em.

Carl thought a plumper rump would help him get his [bleep]

every night.

Yeah, I remember having that thought.

But the doctor just put a bunch of mulch up there, and it got all infected.

Dark days.

[sobs]

I'm sorry.

It's just so sweet.

The mulch thing?

No, how Doug saved him.

Doug was always taking people under his wing.

Doug said you have a beautiful voice.

Oh, he did?

Well, I...

♪ Suppose that's true ♪ Would you want to sing a song for us?

What a nice thought, but you know what, I don't have anything prepared.

Okay, well, if you don't want to sing, you could just tell us the inspiring story of how Doug saved you from being a mulch-butt ho.

I would like to sing a song in honor of my dear friend Doug Judy.

Oh, nothing better after a long shift than coming to Shaw's.

It's like Cheers, where everybody knows your name.

A place where everybody knows your name is hell.

You're describing hell.

Guys, guys, guys.

Are those...

All: Firefighters.

Hey, what's going on?

Why is the FDNY in our cop bar?

We needed a new place, since our bar, O'Brien's, b*rned down.

You couldn't put that out?

They probably started it.

Most arsonists turn out to be firefighters.

That's not true, though it is very common, and definitely what happened in this case.

I'm surprised you guys even want to come here since you have to take the stairs.

I know how much you like sliding on poles.

We don't like sliding on poles.

We do it to save lives.

It's dangerous.

You can ask my best friend Steve.

Oh, no, wait, you can't, actually, because he's dead.

Tripped through a pole hole, broke his neck.

That's horrible.

[chuckles]

Sorry, but this is a firefighter bar now.

Although we might want to make some changes to the decor.

I'm thinking some old-timey pressure gauges, maybe an autographed photo of Denis Leary from "Rescue Me." You wouldn't.

Wouldn't I?

Check it out.

You son of a bitch.

♪ Doug Judy ♪ ♪ I wish you were alive, Doug Judy ♪ ♪ God will give you a high five ♪ [high-pitched]

♪ Doug Judy ♪ Oh, no, he gave himself a key change.

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, Doug Judy ♪ ♪ You're a friend, friend, friend ♪ ♪ Doug Judy!

♪ [screeching]

♪ This song is at its end ♪ Thank you so much.

You've been a great audience.

I mean, it's a funeral.

That's psychotic.

I'm so sorry.

Why are there firefighters here?

Did one of them turn out to be an arsonist and burn down their own bar?

Actually, yes.

So predictable.

But why did you call me?

There's nothing I can do about this.

You have gravitas.

Everyone listens to you.

Look, even if I could save Shaw's, I'm not sure I'd want to.

This place is a hovel.

The only wine they serve is from the Delaware Water Gap.

It's called "Charbonnay." But this is our bar, and it has been forever.

Change is a good thing.

Just yesterday, you were ranting about the Philharmonic adding a second piccolo.

It's too many.

It'll muddle the sound.

I'm sorry I brought it up.

Look, we can find a new bar that's not beneath us.

What about Bel Vino?

They've got a great selection of Italian reds, and your feet don't stick to the floor if you stand in one place too long.

Fine.

If you're not gonna do anything, then I will.

Hank, you got to get rid of these hose humpers.

It's them or us.

Look, guys, I don't want to take sides.

I just want to make money.

Then keep it a cop bar.

We drink like crazy.

Yeah, 'cause of all the tragedy we experience on a daily basis, son.

Oh, yeah?

We experience plenty of tragedy too.

We lose a man a year to the pole hole.

[chuckles]

How about this?

If it's about money, let's just have a drink-off.

Whoever racks up the biggest tab by closing time gets to keep Shaw's.

Okay, defectives.

[exhales]

My guys can handle that.

Oh, can they?

'Cause the Nine-Nine's about to bring the real heat.

Get ready for the back draft, bitch.

Jake, are you upset?

Where are you going?

Are you embarrassed about your singing?

Doug Judy.

What?

Hey, Jake.

Man, that song was moving AF.

We got to lay that down.

♪ Doug Judy, he's smushing on the beach ♪ Don't try and duet with me, you b*st*rd.

You tricked me.

Now give me a hug.

I'm so happy you're alive.

I'll never forgive you.

You're my best friend.

Whoo, I just went through a lot of emotions real fast, but I think I'm back to normal now.

Should we get lunch?

I would love a cheesesteak.

I was thinking the exact same thing, probably 'cause...

Both: The coffin looks like a hoagie roll.

Judy, what the hell is going on?

Uh, who are you, and where is Rosa?

I'm his boss, and I want answers.

All right.

You know who Stefano Lucas is?

The arms dealer?

I got word he put a hit out on me, so I had to disappear.

Why does Stefano Lucas want you dead?

His favorite Ferrari got stolen, and for some reason he thinks I did it.

Probably because someone's been jacking cars all over Brooklyn using your MO.

Oh, my God.

Jake, are you saying what I think you're saying?

Yes.

You have a copycat.

[laughs]

I didn't think I'd accomplished enough in my career for this.

I know, it's big.

It just feels so good to be seen, you know?

Wait.

The only way to catch a copycat is to team up with the original criminal.

I'm back on the force!

Give me a g*n.

No!

There is no copycat.

You did it.

Not me.

I'm living that straight life.

Terry refuses to believe it.

He thinks people can't change.

Tell that to Bruce Banner's pants and shirt.

That's what I said.

Doug Judy, you're under arrest.

What?

Sarge?

You are really bringing down the vibe at this funeral.

What the hell is that?

Jake got me this disguise so some criminal doesn't see me in here and tell Stefano.

Okay, but why is Jake also wearing them?

Uh, because it looks super cool, Sarge.

We look like the hot twins from "The Matrix." [both exclaiming]

We are getting aggravated.

You look like Milli Vanilli.

Ooh!

I call Vanilli.

Ah, I want to be Nilli, but you got it.

He's the best one.

You know it's true.

So did you check out Judy's alibi?

Yes, and surprisingly, it checks out.

Last Saturday night, Doug was deejaying Joshy Greenbaum's bar mitzvah.

That was a wild party.

Auntie Karen is a freak.

Judy, you deejay bar mitzvahs?

Best gig I ever had.

No one likes hip-hop more than a 13-year-old Jewish boy.

Mm.

So true.

I'm not buying it.

Probably stealing cash off the gift table.

Sarge, come on.

He has an alibi.

Let's just team up and try and catch the copycat.

A thousand push-ups.

It's something Rosa and I used to say.

It just means trust me.

If Judy's a criminal, I'll do a thousand push-ups, and since you're so confident, if you're wrong, you can do 'em.

And a thousand push-ups?

That's a lot to you?

You go to hell, Terry.

Make it 100,000 push-ups, and I'm in.

Obviously I can't do that much exercise, but it doesn't matter, because Doug Judy is telling the truth, right, Judy?

I got you, baby.

So fine.

100,000 push-ups.

You happy, Sarge?

Great.

Now, Doug...

You never call me Doug.

Yeah, well, you called me Jake earlier.

I thought we were switching to first names.

I was thinking the same exact thing!

I was like, "Why not call him Jake?" We're bonding, man.

'Cause he's so official.

[both laughing]

But it's chill now.

So, Doug...

Yes, Jake?

Now that we know the copycat is using your playbook, if you were still in the game...

which you're not, we all agree...

what would your next move be?

It's fight night at Barclays.

No sport attracts more ultra-wealthy people with super-nice cars than boxing.

Really?

What about the sport of hunting man?

You got me.

That's not a thing.

Right.

So should we just start at Barclays then?

Great.

But first, we got to make a quick little pit stop on the way.

What?

Where?

("Hava Nagila" playing) ♪ Okay, here are the rules to the contest.

If you order a drink, it must be fully consumed before you order another.

Each team's tab will be tracked on that board.

We don't want anyone getting alcohol poisoning, so if you throw up, you're disqualified.

I never throw up.

I just tell my stomach to deal with it.

My body is terrified of me.

Guys, there's no way we can win.

There's nine of them and six of us.

Five of you.

I'm going home.

Although perhaps I'll stop at Bel Vino on the way, have a glass of Sancerre.

Might even try the quince paste if I'm feeling...

naughty.

You're really gonna let these firefighters take Shaw's from us?

Think of all the celebrations we've had here, all the times Terry has yelled "Nine-Nine!" I hate it when he says that.

He should say, "Cheers to the Ninety-Ninth Precinct!" [sighs]

We shouldn't be here.

If you're worried that someone will recognize me and find out I'm still alive, they won't.

There's not too many hardened criminals at Justin Friedman's bar mitzvah.

Although there is a m*rder*r on the loose, 'cause Kevin Goldman is k*lling those dance moves!

Get it, Kevin!

That's the floss.

He's flossing.

It's just that we should be at Barclays already.

The fights are starting soon.

Rich guys never show up on time.

Besides, I promised Justin I'd be here.

What up, J-Smooth!

[phone buzzes]

Gone straight, my ass.

I got you, Doug Judy.

Huh?

What are you talking about?

Something felt wrong, stopping for this bar mitzvah, so I sent some plainclothes officers to watch the lots at Barclays.

They just caught the copycat.

I don't understand.

If anything, that proves Judy's innocent.

He's been standing here with us the whole time.

Which was his plan!

Establish an alibi, so his partner can go off stealing cars.

I don't have a partner.

Whoever this is, I promise you, I do not know him.

Actually, Doug, I think you do.

Oh, my God.

All: Trudy Judy!

You still want to pretend you had nothing to do with this?

I didn't, and she didn't either.

Trudy Judy's not a car thief.

Trudy Judy's an angel.

She's putting herself through nursing school.

And nurses are the best of our society.

Name one bad nurse.

Nurse Ratched.

Kathy Bates in "Misery." Nurse Jackie had a pill problem.

Okay, damn, you got a lot of real good examples off the top of your head.

You believe me, right, Jake?

I mean, the fact pattern's not great, but Trudy did seem very nice when I met her.

You trying to get your freak on with my sister?

What?

No.

I see you looking at Trudy Judy's booty.

I am not looking at Trudy Judy's booty.

Oh, you don't think she's a cutie?

Don't be snooty.

She's a beauty, but I'm on duty.

And you're married.

Well, yeah, but that doesn't rhyme.

Sorry, I just get so overprotective.

She's such a good kid.

I guarantee you, she didn't steal those cars.

We caught her sitting in a Bentley with a power amplifier and a homemade override plugged into the CAN bus.

Yeah, she guilty.

I can't believe you made us think you were dead.

I can't believe you're out here stealing cars.

That's for lowlifes.

You steal cars.

And I'm a lowlife.

A gorgeous, charming, super smart lowlife beloved by all.

I'm sorry, Dougie.

I was falling behind on my student loans.

I had to do something.

Guys, if you weren't working together, how did she know all your signature moves?

I found some of Doug's old notebooks.

Those are notes for my memoir.

Memoir?

Do you have title ideas yet?

I was just gonna call it "The Pontiac Bandit..." Oh, is that it?

Yeah.

Okay.

I hated stealing cars.

I was gonna stop as soon as nursing school was paid off, I swear.

It was a mistake.

That's good enough for me.

Come on, Trudy, let's go home.

That's not really how arresting works.

She's going to jail.

Wait, wait, wait.

What if we get you a bigger fish?

What if we can get you Stefano?

Who?

That cherry red 1961 Ferrari 250GT California you took belongs to a guy named Stefano Lucas.

He thinks I did it, and now he wants to k*ll me.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I had no idea.

It's all good.

You have the car, so I call him, tell him I'm not dead, say I want to give him his car back, arrange a drop, and these guys take him down or die trying.

That is interesting.

Stefano almost never comes out in public.

It would be a huge collar for the Nine-Nine.

What do you say, Sarge?

100,000 push-ups?

Fine.

If you deliver Stefano, I'll talk to the DA about a reduced sentence for your sister.

Thank you so much.

There's just one problem.

I don't have the car.

I already handed it off to a fence.

Oh, Judy, Judy, you screwed me.

Four hours left.

We're down $58.

Amy, where you at?

Four drinks.

What's four-drink Amy again?

Why don't you come over here and find out?

Right, Horny Amy.

It feels like you should retire that one for the MeToo era.

Why don't you come over here and make me?

All right, there's only one thing left to do.

Drink faster.

Set a bunch of fires throughout the city.

Mine's better.

No!

We can do this.

Things seem bleak now, but the night is always darkest before the dawn.

This is Shaw's.

We've had weddings here, and funerals.

Shaw's is part of our family, because that is what we are.

A family.

And we're not just Amy and Rosa and Hitchcock and...

[retching]

[retching continues]

So the fence, Dallas, he works in there.

I don't like him.

My rule?

Never trust anyone named after a city.

What about Orlando Bloom?

I never thought about him being named after the city before, and his last name is Bloom?

Wait a minute.

Did we just realize something crazy?

No, everyone knows it's a crazy name.

Now can we just focus on the meet-up?

Fine.

All right, Dallas is creepy and paranoid, and he really freaked me out that last time.

I don't want to go in alone.

Don't worry, kid.

I'll be there right next to you, as always.

Aw.

Sarge, why don't you say stuff like that to me?

No, look, I do not trust the Judys going anywhere alone.

Doug, you stay with Jake.

I'll go in with Trudy.

I just need a cover story.

We could say that you're my boyfriend.

No.

No, no, no, I don't want my little sister fake-dating some pervert.

What?

Why am I a pervert?

Uh, have you ever met a nice, normal guy that wears suspenders every day?

What kind of person has to tie their pants down to keep them from flying off?

That's not what suspenders are for, man.

Guys, we don't have time to figure out what suspenders are for, all right?

Now, Trudy, this is undercover work.

It can be very intense.

Are you sure you can handle it?

I mean, I'll do my best.

Who's this?

This is Deion.

He's my man.

Ask me another question, you simple little barn animal.

Okay, so she can handle it.

Why is your boyfriend here?

Who said boyfriend?

Deion and I freak, then he shuts his pretty little mouth and lets me handle my business.

I don't like the direction this is going.

Easy.

She's just playing a part.

Pretty big age difference here.

Where'd you guys meet?

The club.

Deion was a bouncer, and I told him I wanted him to bounce on me.

[clothes rustling]

Oh, what is that?

Is she rubbing on his mic?

The mic that was taped to his chest?

You should feel these.

They're like two baseball bases.

Make 'em pop, daddy.

Daddy's not sure this is the time.

Do it, daddy!

Ooh, ow!

Ooh, ow!

Get your hands off her, pervert!

Judy!

Judy!

I tried to stop him.

That's my baby sister you're caressing.

What?

How can I caress her with my pecs?

Look at those things.

They got thumbs.

Guys, guys, stop!

Where is Dallas?

I think he got spooked and ran away.

Good job, Doug Judy.

You just cost your sister a chance at a reduced sentence.

Oh, no!

Why is my tone so playful?

Why is there a twinkle in my eye?

Because I just found our 1961 Ferrari 250GT California.

Oh, ho, ho!

Ladies and gents and pervert Terry, we are in business.

Sorry, Sarge, I got caught up in the moment there.

Guys, I threw up.

Oh, man, it's over.

We need a miracle.

I'm here.

Captain Holt!

How are you here?

You called me.

You didn't stop calling me.

I didn't call you.

Look.

You left 17 voicemails.

Here's one.

Rosa: Holt!

You got to come save us.

We need a lie to get you here.

Charles, what should I say?

That I got sh*t in the face.

Ooh, and tell him to bring pizza.

Whoo!

Crampon Holt!

We're losing.

Yeah!

Why are you dancing?

Oh, I was up to nine-drink Amy, who speaks French, and then I hurl...

I hurl...

hurled.

What she's trying to say is that she vomited, and now she's back down to three-drink Amy, or Amy Dance Pants.

You know it.

My God.

Hitchcock, are you the only person still making sense?

Yeah.

It's bad.

So are you gonna make us give up, Clappin?

Or are you here to tell us to stop?

No, I'm here to help you win.

What is happening?

Why is this?

It's something you said on one of your voicemails, after you had sung the entirety of a song called "Shake Whatcha Mama Gave Ya." You thought you had hung up, but you hadn't.

Anyway, bye-bye.

What am I doing calling him?

He doesn't care about us or what we want.

When I heard that, I was shaken to my core.

I thought this bar was beneath me, but what was actually beneath me was my own behavior.

I had turned my back on...

Holt!

We do not have time for this.

Just drinky, drinky!

Hank, bring me a Charbonnay.

All right, Stefano should be here any minute.

I just want to thank you guys so much for helping me.

I don't deserve your kindness.

Hey, don't be so hard on yourself.

We all make bad decisions when we're younger.

I was once in a flash mob.

Ew.

Something's off about this.

I don't like leaving Judy out there alone.

Relax, we have a tracker on the car, a tracker on Doug Judy, and ESU has the entire area surrounded.

It's gonna be fine.

We got movement.

Okay, everyone, to your positions.

On my signal.

Hold.

Hold.

Hold.

Sorry, I started holding too soon.

Let's start over.

Hold.

Hold.

And...

[exclaims]

Everyone, stop holding!

Go, go, go, go!

Where is he?

Where is he?

Got him.

They got Stefano.

No, not Stefano.

The Pontiac Bandit.

Where is...

Doug Judy here.

Y'all see that car blow up?

Yeah, we did.

Why did you do that?

You think I did that?

Doug Judy does not work with fire.

Yeah, he's like the Hound from "Game of Thrones." I am like the Hound.

And you're my Arya.

Right?

Guys!

If Doug Judy didn't blow up the car, who did?

All: Trudy Judy.

Damn, sir, you took that Charbonnay to the house.

How you feeling?

Let me take stock.

My equilibrium is askew, my vision is partially impaired, and I'm clearly slurring my words.

To put a fine point on it, your boy is turnt.

Well, well, well, there's only a minute left, and you are six bucks down.

I don't think you guys are gonna make it.

Hank, another Charb.

This one's hot.

It was sitting on the radiator.

[dramatic music]

♪ He's never gonna make it.

Yes, he will.

Just don't breathe.

Let the liquid into your lungs.

♪ Five, four, three, two...

Closing time!

Cops win!

[cheering]

All right, fine, the bar is yours.

But we're keeping this!

Come on.

Before we all go home and pass out, I want to say how sorry I am that I deserted you earlier.

I want you to know that I care about you all so very much, each and every one of you.

Boyle, Santiago, Diaz, Hitchcock, Scu...

[retching]

All right, I have officers looking for her.

She was on foot.

She couldn't have gone far.

[phone buzzes]

This is her.

Where are you, Trudy?

In the wind, Dougie.

Okay, that's a cool thing to say, but what are you doing?

They were gonna reduce your charges.

Reduced charges are still charges, and I can't go to prison.

There are no dudes there, and I need to smush!

Trudy!

Oh, grow up, Doug.

I'm an adult woman who's horny all the time.

What is going on?

Oh, are you judging me, ho?

Trudy, running from the cops is a felony.

That means no more nursing school.

Good.

It sucked.

I only went to, like, one class.

What?

It was boring as hell.

So then I started running Internet scams.

Then there was identity theft.

I was Queen Latifah for a bit.

Then Lil' Kim.

That was less believable.

But then I found your old notebooks.

How come you never told me how much fun car thieving is?

Because I didn't want you to fall in love with it.

Wait, I'm confused.

When did you put the b*mb in the Ferrari?

I didn't do it.

Dallas did.

And Dallas isn't some criminal I'm afraid of.

He's my employee.

Say what's up, Dallas.

Wassup?

Named after a city.

The hard part was trying to figure out how to tell him my plan, so then I came up with that whole boyfriend thing, because I needed a distraction.

I knew you'd rush in, all weird and old-fashioned, try to protect my honor.

How can I caress her with my pecs?

Look at those things.

They got thumbs.

I don't need you to protect me, Doug.

You're my baby sister.

I got to look out for you.

That's so sweet, and also dumb.

I'll see you at Christmas, sucker!

I love you, big bro.

Trudy!

Man, I am gutted.

This is awful.

Is this how you feel every time I trick you?

Pretty much.

Yeah, it always hurts.

Wow, I'm sorry, man.

It must be really hard to hang out with me.

Well, it's a tough relationship, but it's exciting.

Hey, Doug, I'm sorry for not trusting you.

Turns out you had nothing to do with this.

Oh, so you admit people can change.

Yes.

Bruce Banner's pants and shirt were correct.

You know what this means, right?

6,203.

6,204.

I am so glad I lost this bet.

I never find time for things I enjoy.

This is so unsatisfying.

You're not even sweating.

It's too easy.

Get on my back, Jake.

No, I'm not...

Get on my back, Jake!

Coming, strong man!