02x13 - Mother May I?

[bunniefuu]

I'd load up on the carbs, Ravi.

For our overnight hike, and because I have no idea what that meat is.

Ravi, guess what?

Mom and Dad are sailing up the coast of Maine, and they're coming to visit today!

I am so excited to show Mom my CIT skills.

Sure, she's watched me model in Milan, but she'll be even more excited to watch me sing Boom-Chicka-Rocka with nine-year-olds!

I am so excited I get to spend the day with Mrs.

Mommy!

[Chuckling]

I mean, I guess Mom is "aight." Ravi, we're supposed to be taking our campers up to Glass Lake.

Let me guess, they call it that because the water is as clear as glass?

No, because it's full of broken bottles.

Come on, Ravi, I really need you on this hike.

You need Ravi?

Yes.

He is a great CIT and a natural leader.

And he knows how to work that GPS thing-a-ma-jig.

Hello!

Where are my babies?

[Grunts]

Uh, I am pretty sure you're not one of my kids.

Me?

Related to the legendary counselor, Christina Ross?

In my dreams!

No.

Seriously...

I've had that dream a lot.

Uh, Mom, this is my bestie, Lou!

Oh, it's so nice to finally meet you!

Could you set me down now?

In a minute.

♪ Here we go ♪ ♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪ ♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪ ♪ And sing this song ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪ ♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪ ♪ What's that smell?

It's on your shoe ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪ ♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪ ♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪ ♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ I am so excited to spend the day with my girls.

I can't believe she called me one of her girls!

Pretty sure she meant the girls that she raised.

Well, hired nannies to raise.

Hey, Mom, want to watch me teach campers how to make wreaths?

Oh, of course!

I'd love to see my girl in action.

Action?

But I'm just standing here.

[Sighs]

Christina?

Christina Ross?

[Chuckles nervously]

So nice to see you again.

So nice to see you too...

Uh...

You.

You don't remember me?

You b*at me as Counselor of the Year four years in a row!

I was first runner-up.

Oh, good for you.

So you're still a counselor?

No, I'm the owner!

So, where is Morgan?

[Chuckles]

I don't detect his delicious musk.

Unfortunately, he threw his back out, so he's stuck on the yacht, but he sends his love!

He did?

Well, tell him I send it right back!

[Laughs]

I think that love was meant for us.

Oh.

Ooh, there's a trophy with my name on it!

So Morgan is all alone on his yacht?

And he can't run away?

We have Rottweilers.

With rabies.

Is rabies like "definitely die" bad, or, just like "maybe die" bad?

Rabies means death, unless quickly treated with a series of extremely painful sh*ts.

Works for me!

[Laughs]

Why do we have to hike all the way up a mountain to see a lake full of broken bottles?

Because Landfill Magazine called Glass Lake one of five best non-medical waste sites in Maine.

Ooh, look!

A ski lift!

Let's take that up the mountain!

Too bad it is closed for the summer.

I can get it started.

I have the key.

Guys, absolutely not.

It's illegal.

It's dangerous.

And it's terrifying.

Who's scared of heights?

That guy!

[Both laugh]

I'm not afraid of heights!

I'm afraid of falling from them.

Oh...

So instead of suffering from acrophobia, fear of heights, you suffer from FOF, fear of falling.

Which is actually more common in women and small children.

[Both chuckle]

Hey, what's it called when you have a fear of the next time Ravi speaks?

Because I have that.

Technically, that would be more of a dread than a fear.

[Sighs]

You know, you're lucky you know how to work that GPS thing-a-ma-jig.

All right, Xander, we don't have to ride the ski lift, but can we just get a picture of the four of us sitting on it?

I guess that wouldn't be too scary.

I can't believe I fell for that.

Okay, campers, to decorate for tomorrow's Camp Kikiwaka Games, we're using items found in the forest.

Can I be excused?

Is something wrong?

Yeah, I don't want to be here.

Zuri, show your sister some respect, and don't interrupt.

[Sighs]

Oh, thanks, Mom.

Now, I like to start by using pinecones and...

[Gasps]

Sweetie!

An eastern white pinecone?

I'd consider opting for a loblolly.

I tried to tell her, Mommy.

Well, a pinecone is a pinecone.

Actually, loblollies have a more dramatic shape.

Plus, the aroma is delicately evergreen, and not crudely earthen.

A White, bad.

Loblolly, good.

Well, I just gave those Rottweilers a bone.

Too bad it was mine.

Dang!

You got messed up!

Zuri, have some respect for the owner of the camp.

Sorry, Gladys.

Oh, actually her name isn't Gladys.

I checked, and the first runner-up for Counselor of the Year was always Chai Son Wutipong.

Nice to see you again, Chai Son.

Okay, I may have been second runner-up.

Or last.

I can't remember, I've lost a lot of blood.

[Sobs]

Okay, time to glue on our loblollies.

Ooh, sweetie, is that the glue you're going to use?

[Inhales sharply]

I guess not.

Oh, thank goodness.

Because obviously you'll get a better hold with hot glue.

Here, can I show you?

A demonstration from a legend!

I'm not worthy.

Okay, setting up a tent can be tricky.

Done!

Yes!

[Applauding]

She just broke her own camp record!

Is there anything this woman can't do?

Apparently not.

Mom, I'm having a hard time with my tent.

I can give you some pointers.

I don't want any pointers.

I want my mom to pitch my tent, while I go get a shaved ice.

Oh, honey, I'd be happy to help.

Thanks, Mommy.

You're leaving, too?

Might as well.

Now that super-counselor Mom is here, there's nothing for me to do.

Me either!

Isn't it great?

Guys, this is awesome!

I'm not even sweating, and we're 5,000 feet up the mountain!

Oh, geez!

Xander, calm down, this way we're going to get to your stupid Glass Lake twice as fast.

Exactly.

We just cleared the treetops and are now heading over Dead Man's Ravine.

Mommy!

Relax, Xander.

I will use my extensive psychological skill set to keep you calm.

All will be well.

The lift is stuck!

We are going to die!

[Screams]

Hey, Emma!

Thanks for taking us all fishing.

Those memories will last a lifetime.

Oh, cut the junk.

I know you weren't there.

What?

Emma...

I don't care.

The minute we got to the lake, the fishing trip stopped being my thing, and became Mom's.

All right, let's set these down here, then I'll hop in the forklift and grab the rest of the fish I caught.

She's even a licensed forklift operator!

Hey, Em.

I thought you'd like to keep the fish you caught.

Thanks, Mom.

Just remember, put it in a nice bowl.

Right.

And change the water weekly.

Got it.

And don't overfeed it.

I won't!

Anything else?

I'll make you a list.

Of course you will.

Sorry, Emma.

I know what it's like to have an overbearing mom.

I really think you need to level with her.

Just be honest, and tell her how you feel.

Huh, that sounds like good advice.

Did things change when you talked to your mom?

Are you crazy?

I don't talk back to my mother!

I don't even look her in the eye!

Good luck.

Oh, darn, would you look at the time!

Mom, it looks like it's time for you to go back to the yacht.

Christina and Lou: Already?

No, not yet!

I'm still confused about doing laundry.

Maybe you could help me, Mommy.

Zuri, it's easy, just...

Zip it, Tiff.

Besides, the Camp Games are tomorrow.

They are?

I loved the Camp Games!

It would be an honor to have a six-time champion there.

Actually, seven times, but who's counting?

Obviously, someone is.

Hey, Christina, how about you spend the night with us?

Oh, as fun as that would be, sadly, there's nowhere for her to sleep.

Em, you and I could be bunk buddies!

Absolutely not.

Emma will sleep on the floor!

This is going to be so much fun!

There.

Snug as a bug in a rug.

Emma, are you sure you don't want to sleep up here with me?

Oh, no, a camp legend deserves her own bed.

And extra pillows.

Here!

Ow!

Take Emma's.

I can't believe you guys are going to sleep already.

You know what I used to do for fun with my campers?

Fold their laundry?

Surprise water balloon fight!

[Gasps]

Oh, this is fun!

This is so fun!

Mom, can we talk?

Outside.

Sure, sweetie.

But it's chilly outside and you are soaking wet.

So you should grab a sweater.

Oh, not that one.

Yeah.

You tell her, Emma.

A flashcard is not a birthday card.

Oh, wait, that's my mom, not yours.

[Gasps]

Zuri!

Come on!

You had to know I was going to do that.

[Sighs]

But I bet you didn't know I was going to do that.

Honey, what's wrong?

Well...

Is it your fish?

'Cause I noticed you haven't changed the water yet.

It's not about the fish!

Okay, this is hard to say, but...

Ooh...

I think I know what's going on.

You do?

Yeah.

You're a little jealous, because Lou and I are becoming friends.

But that's silly, 'cause you'll always be my best girl.

Who's up for a game of Kikiwopoly?

Oh!

I get to be the canoe!

Mom!

Oh, sorry, sweetie.

You can be the canoe.

Right after you change that poor fish's water.

[Snoring]

[Screams]

[Screams]

Help!

I can help...

Myself get promoted to counselor.

No!

[Gasping]

Whoa!

Whoa!

Xander, are you okay?

Back off, man!

And just so you know, if I die, that doesn't automatically make you counselor.

Hmm, paranoia.

Fascinating.

Guys, you woke me up.

And I was having the best dream ever.

Well, what was it?

Must we tell each other everything?

I can't believe we're going to miss the Kikiwaka Games.

I cannot believe how thirsty I am.

You could drink Xander's tears.

He's got plenty of those.

But the salt would just dehydrate me more...

Stop talking!

We need to figure out a way to get off this thing!

Hey, maybe we could make a rope out of our clothes and use that to climb to that treetop.

But all of our clothes are in our packs, at the base of the mountain.

I was talking about what we're wearing.

I'm in.

Come on, guys, clothes off.

Help me.

This just got more terrifying.

Ugh, I am so tired.

Why are you tired?

I'm the one who slept on the floor.

Because I was up all night laughing at you.

I'm having the worst morning ever.

You think you've had a bad morning?

Dang!

You got owned again!

What happened to you this time?

I was just snorkeling up to a certain yacht, when a vicious dolphin att*cked me!

Oh, that's our guard dolphin, Shredder.

He came with the dogs.

He did?

Where do you rich people shop?

Hear ye!

Hear ye!

Make way for the Camp Kikiwaka Games seven-time champion, Christina Ross!

Ooh!

Aah!

[Applauding]

Oh, what's next?

Is Lou going to scatter rose petals in her path?

Hey, Em!

You wanna be partners for the Kikiwaka Games?

Oh, thanks, Mom, but, actually I'm gonna partner with...

Gladys.

Both: Gladys?

Did someone say my name?

I can't hear too well.

My ears are filled with seawater and blood.

Uh, Gladys, will you be my partner for the games?

Really?

Me?

Why?

Because you want to b*at my mom as much as I do.

Come on, let's team up and destroy her.

Welcome to the dark side, kid.

[Chuckles]

All right, Zuri, the first event is the three-legged race.

I have a strategy that will guarantee we take first place.

I don't want to come in first.

Why not?

Because my mom loves to win, and I have an allowance to protect.

Christina?

Would you make me the happiest counselor in the world and be my partner for the Kikiwaka Games?

I'd be happy to.

[Chuckles]

She said yes!

Now focus.

We need to annihilate my mom!

What's your beef with your mom anyway?

I mean, I have many reasons to hate her.

Like, one, she stole Morgan from me.

Two, she b*at me out for Counselor of the Year...

Ninety-nine, those freakishly flab-less arms.

And 100...

I get it!

You don't like the woman!

Okay, done.

Wait, I must check the rope.

Since poor Xander is incapacitated by his fear, I, as a CIT, am responsible for your safety.

Ugh, Jorge, why are your shorts all sweaty?

[Chuckles]

That's not sweat.

Ew!

Both: Ravi!

That was our one chance to keep from dying up here!

I still say I made the right decision.

Good luck out there, Em.

You too, Chai Son.

Oh, that knot's all wrong.

You should use the Stevedore's knot.

Pay attention Chai Son.

There.

All set.

We need to b*at my mom, and b*at her bad.

Which is why I brought this crowbar.

What?

No!

I meant b*at her in the race!

I don't want to injure my mom.

Oh, I was joking.

Obviously joking.

[Chuckles nervously]

[Whistle blows]

[All cheering]

Come on, Gladys!

Run like my dad is at the finish line!

We'll never win unless we do this.

[Grunts]

Now's our chance!

Run!

I'm going to win!

Victory's finally mine!

Ours!

You mean, ours!

[Grunts]

Come on, Zuri, we can win this!

No, we can't!

Allowance at stake!

[Both grunting and laughing]

I'm on my way to becoming an eight-time champion!

Not that I'm counting.

Yes, you are counting!

We get it.

You're the greatest counselor who ever lived!

Emma?

Why are you so upset?

Is something wrong?

Yes, but you're so wrapped up in yourself, you didn't even notice!

I was so happy when you first got here, but now I wish you'd never come!

Ditto!

Except for the part about being happy when you first got here!

So...

Anyone want to play "I spy"?

[All screaming]

We're gonna die!

In our underwear!

[All screaming]

What are we going to do?

Hey.

Maybe I can grab the cable and make my way back to the tower.

No!

That's way too dangerous!

I've shimmied down plenty of rain pipes.

Since I'm not carrying a plasma TV, this should be easy!

No...

I'll go.

Xander, I have to stop you.

No, Ravi.

I'm the counselor.

It's my responsibility to do this.

I meant, I have to stop you because you are heading the wrong way.

The tower is that way.

[Screams]

[Screaming]

We're moving!

We're going to be okay!

Maybe you are!

Help!

[Grunting]

[Panting]

See, taking the ski lift was a great idea.

[All screaming]

Gladys, if you don't mind, I'd rather be alone.

Me too, but I can't untie this dang knot!

[Knocking on door]

Em, can we talk?

Could you give us a minute, Chai Son?

It's Gladys!

And this knot is impossible!

It's just a simple Stevedore's knot.

I hate you.

Emma, I am so sorry.

I had no idea you were so upset with me.

I tried to tell you.

Yeah, and I should have listened.

I just think I got caught up reliving my glory days.

Well, your glory days were pretty glorious.

But this is your time now.

And I should have realized that.

I'll never be the great Christina Ross.

You don't have to be.

You're already the great Emma Ross, and I am so incredibly proud of you.

Really?

Absolutely.

Camp Kikiwaka is lucky to have you, and so am I.

Thanks, Mom.

And I'm really happy you came to visit.

Everybody loved having you here.

Except Gladys.

Who?

Mommy?

Before you go, can you help me make this lanyard?

I'll just be over there, watching and learning from the hammock.

Sorry, sweetie, but Emma pointed out that I have a little tendency to take over.

So, you're just gonna need to finish that yourself.

Thanks a lot, Emma!

You broke Mom!

Wha...

Mrs.

Mommy!

[Gasps]

Ravi!

Where are your clothes?

On top of a tree.

Hmm?

It is a long story.

I am so sorry to have missed your entire visit!

Aw.

That's okay, sweetie.

We can just catch up this winter on the family ski trip.

[Screams]

No!

I just love my odd little boy.

Christina, it was a pleasure meeting you.

But before you go, could I get a picture with you?

Sure.

Wow, Lou.

This is the most normal you've been since my mom arrived.

Thanks!

That's gonna look awesome tattooed across my back!

And there's the crazy.