02x18 - Cabin vs. Cabin

[bunniefuu]

Congratulations Woodchucks, Grizzlies, and Weasels!

You've made it to the finals of our annual Cabin of the Year competition!

[All cheering]

You know who's winning at life?

Me!

Turns out I'm not dying alone!

Finally caught one of those stray cats?

No, I actually caught myself a man!

And before you ask, no, he's not a pizza guy I have handcuffed to my drainpipe.

So he's duct-taped, then?

The first event is the tug of w*r over the potato pool.

Grizzlies and Weasels, you're up.

Winner plays Woodchucks.

Ready, set, tug!

Whoa!

[Children laughing]

Huh.

Needs more butter.

Grizzlies lose.

Woodchucks, you're next.

And hurry up!

Gotta get this over with, so I can serve these potatoes at lunch.

♪ Here we go ♪ ♪ We're leaving the city behind right now ♪ ♪ Let's gather by the campfire light ♪ ♪ And sing this song ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Hanging out with someone new ♪ ♪ Then falling out of a camp canoe ♪ ♪ What's that smell?

It's on your shoe ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ Got a s'more in my hair ♪ ♪ Mosquitos in our underwear ♪ ♪ Shower's broke but we don't care ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka ♪ ♪ This is our home away from home away from home away from home ♪ ♪ But watch your back A bear just ate my phone ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ Hey, Weasels.

Still crying tater-tears over losing the tug of w*r to us Woodchucks?

I can't believe Crystal fell for the old, "Your dad lost his job "and has to pull you out of camp" trick.

Cheaters!

You know what they say, "All's fair in love and tug of w*r." You guys should be ashamed.

Poor Lydia still has mashed potatoes in her ears!

What?

I can't hear what you're saying!

But I hate you.

[In deep voice]

Hey, everybody, it's me, the Grizzly Cabin mascot, Beary!

[In normal voice]

Guys, it's just me, Jorge!

No kidding.

BTW, that costume does not look anything like a grizzly bear.

Who cares?

It came with a top hat.

I can be classy while I'm shaking my chassis.

[In deep voice]

Hey, Gladys, how many bonus points does this move get us?

[Scatting]

I'll give you five points...

To stop!

Okay, it's time for the second event.

Are you ready to play The Friendship Game?

[All cheering]

Now, I've already asked our contestants questions about each other.

Match your partner's answer, and you get a point.

[Chuckles]

Lou, what is Emma's favorite word?

Uh...

"Duh!" I don't need your attitude.

I need the answer.

She's right!

It's "duh"!

Wait, where's Zuri and Tiffany?

I thought they were our mascot.

I don't know, but Crystal is k*lling it over there as the Weasel mascot.

Zuri, we're late for the friendship game!

Our team needs their mascot...

[In squeaky voice]

Woody the woodchuck!

There's no way I'm going out dressed as a giant tuchus.

Zuri, a two-person mascot is gonna get us double the points.

Besides, the downstairs cheeks are just as cool as the upstairs cheeks.

I'm not taking "cool advice" from someone with a poster that says, "Geologists Rock!" Well, I can't go out there without a butt!

Sorry, but I'm too cute to be hidden in a furry derriere.

Does this look like a radio face to you?

Okay, our teams are tied, and this is our last round.

Lydia, what is Hazel's favorite place to hang out?

Um...

In Xander's shadow?

No, the beach!

Emma, what is the name of Lou's favorite farm animal?

Easy.

Gary the goat.

No!

It's Gertie the goat!

Gary is my llama!

It's like you don't know me at all!

It's hard to keep up with all your animals.

Your family keeps eating them!

Okay, Grizzlies, if you get this, you win.

Xander, what is the name of Ravi's favorite pet?

Mrs.

Kipling!

Although, he doesn't think of her as a pet.

She's a companion, best friend, and mother figure.

It's complicated.

Talk about TMI.

He is correct!

Ms.

Gladys: Well, it's all there word for word.

That's the game.

Grizzlies win!

[Grizzlies cheering]

Yes!

In your face!

Cha-ching!

Cha-ching!

What are you, a cash register?

Got him.

Lou, I'm really sorry I lost us that game, but we can still win the soapbox derby event.

How?

Ravi will make some super-duper science mobile, and nerd his way to the finish line.

Don't worry, we'll think of something.

Well, maybe you could use your personal connections to help us win the race.

I called Vin Diesel to see if he could drive our car, but he's sh**ting a movie in Rome.

No...

Someone else you know and love.

[Gasps]

Beyonce?

But she doesn't drive, she has a chauffeur.

I meant Xander!

Ask him what the boys are using to power their car, so we can sabotage them.

Lou, that's cheating.

No, it's not.

It's playing to win.

Like stealing signs in baseball.

Huh?

It's like finding out what your frenemy's wearing to a party and making sure you wear a hotter dress.

Oh, got it.

But I feel weird using Xander like that.

Come on, Xander's cabin wins every year.

You'd make your favorite person in the world very happy.

I really don't think Beyonce cares...

No, me!

Please, bestie?

Okay, fine, I'll do it, but I'll feel terrible.

Let the espionage begin.

[Whispering]

From here on out, we have to be secretive and talk like spies.

I really don't think that's...

Shh!

Spy talk.

Hey, Xander, I was thinking...

I was thinking, too!

That's what's so great about us.

We're always on the same page.

Yeah, it's like we're one mind.

[Chuckles]

And what would that mind say the Grizzlies are doing for the soap box derby?

We haven't figured it out yet, but I'm so glad you brought that up.

The thing is...

I have to b*at Lou.

Why?

Because I don't want you to date a loser.

You deserve a winner.

So I need you to tell me how Lou is going to power the Woodchuck car.

Wait, you want me to cheat on my own team?

It's not cheating.

It's like finding out what your frenemy's wearing to a party, and wearing a hotter dress.

That is a good point, but it makes me think we should stop binge-watching chick flicks.

It's changing you.

I know it's a lot to ask, but I am your boo.

And you don't want to see your boo boo-hoo, do you?

Okay, I'll do it.

But I'm going to feel terrible.

Works for me!

You really are the best girlfriend.

Lou: Psst!

[Screams]

Okay, I know we're in spy mode, but this is a little much.

Keep your voice down, and pretend I'm a bush, so no one notices us.

Okay, so you think I'll draw less attention if I'm talking to a bush?

Don't overthink it.

Now, have you figured out how the boys are powering their car for the derby race?

I'll go talk to Xander now.

Good work, Miss Blue.

That's your code name.

Can I be Miss Magenta?

Blue's not my best color.

You've only been a spy for a day, and you're already being difficult.

Bush out.

Oh.

[In British accent]

Hello, Emma.

How lovely to see you.

Do you have the information I requested?

Why are you talking like the guy who cleans our chimneys?

It's my spy accent.

The name's McCormick.

Xander McCormick.

Well, that's annoying.

Very annoying.

[Normal]

Hey, did you find out about the woodchuck's race car?

Yes.

Lou's using the big fan from the mess hall to power it.

Thanks.

So...

How are you guys going to power your car?

Ravi is building us a water-powered steam engine.

We were gonna go with gas, but Jorge's a sporadic farter.

He's disgusting, but undependable.

Cheerio!

Okay, you have 20 minutes to prep your cars for the derby.

I have to go buy a ski mask.

Carl says covering up my face really brings out my eyes.

Psst!

Emma!

[In Russian accent]

Good to see you.

Your intel proved very, very valuable.

So now you're a vampire?

No, I am Russian spy!

Thank you for your help, comrade.

No problem.

It's not stressing me out at all.

[Chuckles]

Little tip.

Someone reversed direction of blades on Lou's fan.

[Chuckles]

Prepare to be "blown away." [Chuckles]

Do svidanya.

The cheese on the pizza is melting.

Okay, what else would the cheese be doing?

That's code for I filled the Grizzlies' t*nk with toxic lake water to destroy the engine.

I would not have guessed that.

That's why it's code.

[Chuckles]

[Whispers]

You never saw me.

Hello, Jorge.

Ravi, I'm supposed to be the mascot!

Your tacky bear costume inspired me to get one of my own, so we can actually get those bonus points.

[In deep voice]

Hey!

I'm Beary offended!

Well, Beary, my mascot is a true representation of the grizzly species, so you can suck an egg.

Hey, check this out.

[Laughs]

What the heck is that?

It's our two-faced woodchuck mascot.

So neither of us have to do booty duty.

There's no way your lame giant rat costume is gonna b*at us!

True dat!

So I am taking the egg I was going to have Jorge suck on, and offering it to you.

Well, we do not egg-cept your egg.

[Chuckles]

See what I did there?

Very well, woodchucks, it is on like a stream full of sal-mon!

[Chuckles]

[Roaring]

[Screams]

Bear!

Ravi: Ow!

Oops!

It was self-defense.

...Is what I'll say in court.

This is great!

With Ravi down, we got this mascot thing in the bag.

I don't know.

Crystal's gonna be hard to b*at.

Man, she's good.

It's time for the race!

[All cheering]

Drivers, start your engines!

Or whatever you've got going on in there.

Hey, Xander, nice car.

Too bad the only thing that will be steaming is you, when you lose!

Boom!

You're sounding real confident for someone who's about to blow it!

Boom back at ya.

Ready, set...

Go!

See ya, suckers!

What the heck happened to our engine?

I don't know, but it's beary disappointing!

Is there a cheer for when your team loses horribly?

Yeah.

It's "boo!" And the weasel car wins!

[Cheering]

It's all tied up going into the last event!

[Crashing]

Ooh, Hazel, looks like your camper just high-fived that tree with her face.

That's fine.

I've got others.

Oh!

Did we win?

[Screams]

Shh!

You are attracting attention!

Says the human fruit bowl!

Listen, I've got to b*at Xander, and the camp spirit performance is my last chance!

Your new mission is to find out what the Grizzlies are doing for their act.

But I don't wanna do that!

Which we all know is code for, "Whatever you say, Lou." I am depending on you, Miss Magenta.

Now I vanish.

[In French accent]

Bonsoir, mademoiselle.

I am in need of intelligence.

You certainly are.

Now drop the stupid accent and tell me what you want.

Well, excuse-moi.

[Normal]

Look, I need to know what the woodchucks' spirit performance is.

Ugh, of course you do.

But we don't know what it is yet!

Well, as soon as you decide, leave a note with the info under my pillow.

Okay, fine!

Why not?

You can count on Miss Magenta!

Who's Miss Magenta?

I don't know anymore!

Lou: Back off, Weasel face!

Bring it, fruit bowl!

That's what I thought.

Ew!

Hazel, what are you doing?

Not rubbing my scent all over Xander's pillow, so he'll dream of me.

[Chuckles nervously]

Wait a minute, what are you doing here?

Uh...

Dropping off a belated Happy Groundhog Day card.

Uh-huh.

Give me that!

[Chuckles]

[Gasps]

You're a spy!

What makes you say that?

This note that says, "Emma's top secret spy info." This is your cabin's performance plan!

You're ratting on your own cabin for your boyfriend's cabin.

To be fair, I'm also ratting on the Grizzlies for the Woodchucks.

[Gasps]

Probably shouldn't have told you that.

So you're a double agent!

Well, well, well, look at Miss Goody-Two-Summer-Homes.

It'd be a shame if someone told your boyfriend and your bestie that you were playing both of them.

[Gasps]

Who would do that?

Doy, me!

But you know what, Emma?

I'll keep your little secret, if you tell me what the Woodchucks and Grizzlies are planning for their performances.

Spy for the Weasels?

I would rather wear corduroy.

[Gags]

It's even gross to say!

All right, but Lou and Xander will be so hurt when they find out you betrayed them...

Okay, okay.

The Woodchucks are dressing up like Gladys and dancing.

And the Grizzlies are doing an EDM remix of the Kikiwaka song.

Thank you, Emma.

You just handed the Weasels Cabin of the Year.

[Laughs evilly]

By the way, whatever you're doing with your hair, keep it up.

You look awful.

Hey, the spirit performances are about to start.

You dumb-chucks don't stand a chance against Bear Force One!

Ravi: Good one, bear bro!

Slap me some paw.

I was so close to a cool exit.

Okay, we have got to b*at those salmon-sucking jerks!

Yeah, maybe we should go the more traditional one-headed route with our costume.

Rock, paper, scissors to see who gets to be the Woodchuck head?

Deal.

Both: Rock, paper, scissors, sh**t!

[Gasps]

Paper covers rock!

Ha!

I win!

That's not a rock.

This is a rock.

A diamond?

And it's all yours.

[Gasps]

Correction.

You win.

[Chuckles]

Take your seats for the performance!

Our finalists are tied, so whoever wins this, wins the coveted golden canoe, and Cabin of the Year!

[All cheering]

Quiet!

I'm sorry, I'm not as bubbly as usual.

[Chuckles]

I was up all night playing hide and seek with Carl.

I never did find him.

And something tells me she never will.

Just like you'll never b*at me for Cabin of the Year.

Think again!

We've got this in the bag.

Right, Emma?

Guys, maybe neither of us will win.

The Weasels might take the whole thing.

C'est la vie.

Oh, so you can do the French thing, and I can't?

Woodchuck walking!

Ravi: Oh, look who it is.

You two really put the "uck" in Woodchuck.

Well, you guys are about to get em-bear-rassed.

Tiffany: Ooh, nice bear-slam!

Stand back and watch the bros rack up the points!

Oh, you just rump-bumped the wrong Chucks!

Tiffany, back that thang up!

Ravi: Oh.

I cannot see!

Hey!

Watch where you're going!

Stop hitting yourself!

Stop hitting yourself!

Guys, quit it!

Why can't you be more like Crystal?

Okay, I guess we should start.

Let's welcome our first performers, the Weasels.

[All cheering]

[Dance music playing]

Yo, yo, you guys wanna hear a Camp Kikiwaka EDM remix?

Wait, that's what we were going to do!

And we're the dancing Gladyses!

Hey, that's what we were going to do!

What are you doing?

Get off the stage!

[All arguing]

[Whistles]

What's going on here?

Hazel stole our act!

And ours, too!

They're lying!

They're the ones who've been cheating this whole time!

Well, somebody better fess up!

And make it fast.

I'm hoping Carl got tired of hiding and wants to start seeking.

Look, the Grizzlies didn't do anything wrong, okay?

Hazel obviously spied on us.

And us.

The Woodchucks are innocent in all of this!

Innocent, I tell you.

That's it!

I am so sick of all the lying!

You want the truth?

No!

Lou made me spy on Xander, then Xander made me spy on Lou, then Hazel made me spy on both of them!

You betrayed me?

And me?

How could you?

How could you?

This game is supposed to be about friendship and working together, not stabbing each other in the back!

And look at what being your puppet has done to me!

I'm a nine now!

A nine!

Emma, wait!

Wow, some people are way too competitive.

Where were we?

Ravi: You were b*ating me with my own appendage.

Right.

Stop hitting yourself.

Stop hitting yourself.

[Sighs]

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Both: Xander and Lou, and they're really sorry for what they did to you.

Go away.

Okay, that wasn't worth all that practice.

Emma, we feel really bad for what we did.

Maybe we are a little competitive.

A little?

That's like saying I own a "little" island in the Caribbean.

I guess we did get carried away.

I just really wanted that golden canoe.

And I just really wanted Xander to lose.

[Sighs]

Look, it's my fault, too.

I shouldn't let people walk all over me.

And what I've learnt here is I need to be stronger, and just say no.

So what you're saying is...

By being terrible friends, we helped you become a better person?

[Chuckles]

Wow, we are such great counselors!

Well, me maybe a little more than you.

Xander: Oh, yeah?

How about a little competition?

Emma, will you judge?

No!

Ooh, that felt good.

Ask me something else.

So, since everyone cheated at the Cabin of the Year competition, I have no choice but to disqualify all of you!

[All groan]

This is all your fault, Emma!

You couldn't keep your perfectly symmetrical mouth shut!

And I'm keeping the golden canoe for myself.

That's at least ten minutes of fun at the roulette table.

I need some cheering up, since Carl dumped me.

What?

That is cray cray.

Yeah.

Aside from not wanting to be around you, or see your face, I thought he was totally into you.

Me too, kid.

But there's always the pizza guy.

[Chuckles]

That reminds me, I need to buy duct tape.

Ravi: Hello.

Guys, the competition is over.

Yeah, you don't have to wear those costumes anymore.

I sweated so much, my costume fused to my skin.

And I just like mine.

I get to pretend I have chest hair.

I forgot my buffet card.

[Screams]

[Gasps]

Gladys, that's Ravi, not a bear!

I know.