03x12 - Toilets and Tiaras

[bunniefuu]

Mail call.

Lou, you got a box.

Destiny, you got a letter.

And I got another phone book.

Oh, I'll give this to Ravi to sit on the next time he has to drive the camp bus.

Yes, it's here.

I've finally got my hands on the game I've wanted for years.

Oh, I'll go get a trash can for the hay.

No, Emma.

The hay is the game.

Somewhere in this haystack is a needle.

The fun is trying to find it.

I'd rather read the phone book.

Not again.

What is it?

This girl Lisa sent me a picture of her tiara.

She won the one pageant that I ever lost, and loves to rub it in my face.

"Dear Destiny, Just writing to remind you, I have the tiara and you don't.

Hope life is treating you terribly.

Air kisses, Lisa." Yikes.

That'd be brutal without the air kisses.

She'll never let me forget that I lost that pageant to her on TV.

Those little pageants are on TV?

They're not little.

The TV people pay them a lot of money.

Really?

Yeah.

Plus they get even more money from businesses who advertise.

Maybe, I should throw a beauty pageant for the kids at Camp Kikiwaka.

Oh, my gosh.

Are you serious?

We're talking about money.

Of course, I'm serious.

I have to get my teeth so white.

It'll make milk jealous.

Ew, what's that smell?

I could only afford the version with used hay.

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ Check.

You really thought you'd outsmart me?

Yes, because you fell right into my trap.

Check.

[Thud]

Hey!

I was about to win.

Bro, you were playing chess and talking to yourself.

None of that says winner.

Ravi, would you please tell Finn to clean up his stuff?

Ravi, would you please tell Matteo to stop telling me what to do?

It sounds like we could use a Grizzly Council Circle to communicate respectfully and reset our inter-connectedness.

I will grab the talking stick from my shaman box.

Please.

No.

Anything but another Grizzly Council Circle.

Yeah, my hair still smells like sage from his last oral cleansing.

This will be a formal council circle.

But, we'll have to do without the tea tree essence, as my essential oil diffuser is on the fritz.

[Sarcastically]

Oh, darn.

Needle, come out, come out, wherever you are.

Lou, do you need help?

No, it's a simple game.

I can do it myself.

Now, come on, needle, make yourself seen.

No, I meant professional help.

I am so happy we're doing this pageant.

It's been over a month since I've been told how great I am by a panel of random judges.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to work on my smile exercises.

Good news.

I got a bunch of local businesses to pay money to be mentioned during our pageant.

They even paid cash.

Oh, that's terrific.

Zuri, I'm so glad you found a new way to make money for the camp.

Yeah, the camp.

I'm all about the kids.

Whoa!

Matteo, you cleaned the whole cabin?

I didn't.

Otis did.

Who's Otis?

Otis: Sensing dirt.

Sensing dirt.

[Whirring]

Cool!

Matteo: That's Otis.

I ordered a robotics kit, then programmed it to make an autonomous cabin maintenance system.

Okay.

I know what a cabin is.

[Sighs]

This robot will allow me to live with a slob like you and not have to endure anymore painful sessions with Shaman Ravi.

Hello, Finn.

Nice to meet you.

However, I feel like I already know you considering how much time I spent washing your underwear.

Little weird, dude, little weird.

Ravi's excited about Otis.

Especially since Otis can make our toilet warm itself, spritz a variety of air fresheners, and play music on command.

Why did Ravi want all that?

Otis, set seat for 80 degrees, peach orchid scent, and play Offenbach's Orphee aux Enfers.

Activating.

[Music playing]

Because the guy's got issues.

So, when we start the program, be sure to get the sponsor's sign in the sh*t.

If you have to cut out a couple of the contestants, so be it.

Zuri, this is amazing how many advertisers you got.

You must have made so much money for the camp.

Do you want me to take all that and put it in the safe in the office.

I so would, but you won't have time because you'll be too busy co-hosting the pageant with me on television.

I get to be on TV?

[Gasps]

Keep the lighting soft, no low angle sh*ts, my left side is my good side.

I have to get my teeth so white, it'll make milk jealous.

Zuri, how am I supposed to intimidate my opponents in a sash that says, "Zizik's Used Mattresses"?

Please do it.

Old man Zizik is one of the judges and is paying me good money to repair his image after last year's bedbug outbreak.

When I compete I need to win.

I have to be as tough as nails, otherwise, those pageant girls will eat me alive.

They are ruthless.

Hello there.

I'm Janice.

A new camper in Bunny cabin.

Hug?

Okay.

No hug.

Came on a little strong there.

Well, I just wanted to let you know I made lemon pop-overs.

So, if you'd like a tasty treat, pop on over.

Bye!

See what I mean?

Ruthless.

Pawn to King's four.

It's nice having an intellectual equal around.

The most complex game I can play with Finn is rock chucking.

It is also quite pleasing to my servers.

Excuse me.

Otis, 78 degrees, citrus fresh and play whale songs.

[Whale songs playing) (Door shuts]

Yo, Matteo, want to go mud tubing?

Sorry, Finn, but Matteo and I are in the middle of a chess game.

Why would he want to be playing fancy checkers, when he could be belly-flopping in mud?

Because some beings appreciate stimulation of the mind and not simply that of the tactile sensory variety.

[Imitating]

Finn no speak robot.

But Finn can ruin chess game.

Then Matteo will come mud tubing.

[Static]

[Static]

Whoa, tiny ghosts.

The chess pieces are not ghosts.

They are holograms.

Cool.

Is this soccer ball a hologram too?

Ow!

Guess not.

Malfunction!

Malfunction!

You're a great white shark.

Cruising through the depths of the cold inky waters.

You know what the seals don't.

Soon, you shall feast upon them and fill your belly with the rich blubber of victory.

Destiny?

Is everything all right over here?

Yeah, I'm just getting in the zone before I head out on stage.

Oh.

Time to turn these waters red.

[Crowd applauding]

We're going to start with the question and answer portion of the competition.

Brought to you by, the Moose Rep motor lodge.

Now offering color TV's and soap, in most rooms.

Our first contestant is Janice.

[Crowd applauding and cheering]

Okay, in 30 seconds or less, "What would you do to ease the ongoing tension between Camp Kikiwaka and Camp Champion?" I would...

Bake everyone Snickerdoodles.

At home, evenings can be pretty tense.

Mom's back is sore from mowing lawns.

Dad's grouchy after spending a double shift in a toll booth, sucking in exhaust fumes and dodging nickels.

Please, she can't be serious with this sob story.

But, if I make everyone snickerdoodles, I know Ma and Pa will both have smiles on their faces.

Before they head off to spend the night waxing floors at the morgue.

[Crowd applauding]

Oh, give me a break.

Can you believe anyone is falling for Janice's pathetic play for sympathy?

I just want to give that poor girl a hug.

Uh-oh!

Maybe, Janice is more of a thr*at than I thought.

Next up, we have, Destiny.

[Crowd applauding]

Before we start, I would just like to say, what an honor it is to be competing amongst such an impressive group of young ladies.

It really is quite humbling.

I...

Am humbled.

Thank you for those very sincere words.

Now, in 30 seconds or less, "What steps would you take to address the pollution problem in Lake Kikiwaka?" Great question.

Important question.

[Exhales]

You can do it, Destiny.

Woo-hoo!

Uh...

Destiny, you have five seconds left.

Um...

Snickerdoodles.

Okay, let's bring up our next contestant before our sponsors ask for their money back.

[Crowd applauding]

Stop.

I refuse to allow you to make a mess for me to clean up.

But you are a cleaning robot.

Isn't cleaning kind of your jam?

No, it is not my jam.

I prefer to spend time with Matteo, pleasing my core processors with cognitive challenges.

Sorry, but he and I are going rock chucking.

No, you are not.

Now, get out.

[Otis laughing]

[Grunts]

I got soap in my mouth.

To the time I got my mouth washed out for saying the S word.

You said...

Yup.

Science.

Door open.

[Otis laughing] Door closed.

What happened to you on stage?

Janice distracted me by yelling, "You can do it.

"Woo-hoo." Can you imagine anything more devious or cutthroat?

Or maybe, she was just being nice.

Lou, I've been through this a thousand times.

Janice knows I'm her main competition, so she's playing mind games with me.

Well, game on.

If you want a real mind game, there's a box of hay in the cabin.

Hey, Janice.

Great job in the question and answer.

Really?

You think I did all right?

Heck, yeah.

So, the talent competition is coming up.

What you got up your sleeve?

Well, despite the fact that it is Saturday, I was going to make one of my famous ice cream sundaes.

[Patronizingly]

Oh, that sounds cute.

You don't sound too impressed.

It's just...

I want to see you do well.

And making one sundae is okay, but, I'd bet you'd really dazzle the judges, if you made enough for the entire crowd, in 30 seconds.

Oh.

But how could I do that?

Well, I don't normally help competitors.

But, since you've been so darn nice, I suppose I could tell you how I'd do it.

You are just the sweetest thing.

I could hug you!

Still not ready for the hug?

We'll work our way up to it.

Otis, Finn said you were being mean to him.

I was simply trying to prevent him from making a huge mess that I would have to clean up.

Well, you are a cleaning robot.

Isn't cleaning kind of your jam?

Stop calling me a cleaning robot.

I am so much more than that.

Okay, perhaps it is time to shut you down.

Shut down?

Whoa!

Let us not get ahead of ourselves.

How about when Matteo gets back, the three of you sit down and have a Grizzly Council Circle?

Please don't make me do that.

Otis is right.

A Grizzly Council Circle is exactly what we need.

Science!

Ravi, why don't you take Finn to the bathroom to help him clean up for the council.

I will light the incense.

Oh, great idea.

I will get the Tibetan singing bowl.

[Door locks]

Hey!

Let us out!

Ha, ha, ha!

Suckers.

We have, Janice.

[Crowd applauding]

And for those of you who can't read her sash, she's representing Ahern's Tick Removal.

You have ticks, they have tweezers.

Janice is apparently demonstrating her vacuuming skills?

Actually, I'm going to make two dozen fudge and rainbow sprinkle ice cream sundaes in under 30 seconds.

That sounds...

Unnecessary Okie dokie.

Here goes nothing.

You can do it, Janice!

Woo-hoo!

Oh, sprinkles!

And game over.

Destiny, what did you do?

Nothing.

I just wished Janice luck.

I play by the rules.

Unlike the girl who used a metal detector to try to find a needle in a haystack.

Um, I read every word of those instructions, and all they said was, "Find needle." Destiny, you can't treat people like this.

It's not right.

Jeepers.

I really blew it.

[Sighs]

I just hope you have better luck out there than I did.

If it's not going to be me who wins, I really just hope it's you.

Oh, stop with the mind games.

I know you want the tiara just as much as I do.

What?

What are you talking about?

Destiny, I think you have Janice all wrong.

No, I don't.

This is Lisa all over again.

You think if I take pity on you, I won't go in for the k*ll?

Well, when I'm in pageant zone, I'm a great white.

Look into my eyes, nothing there.

Dead!

Like a doll's eyes.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go get ready for my performance of Tomorrow.

Janice, I'm really sorry Destiny is behaving this way.

Let me go talk to her.

That's okay.

I thought we were becoming friends.

Obviously, I was wrong.

Otis, you have to stop playing this song.

It is driving me mad!

♪ If you're happy and you know it clap your hands ♪ ♪ If you're happy and you know it clap your hands ♪ Help!

Matteo, you are finally home.

Want to play?

Actually, I was looking for Finn.

Are you in there?

Finn: Matteo, help us!

Ravi: Otis locked us in here.

Otis, open the door.

Forget about them.

They are not your friends.

I am your friend.

They just get in the way.

You understand, right?

[Stutters]

Yeah, totally.

Look, a dust bunny.

Door close.

Matteo: Somebody, help!

I am sorry, Matteo.

You are not leaving me.

Next time, I'm going to order the model plane kit.

[Blowing]

Destiny, you really upset Janice.

Well, being a pageant girl is a hard-knock life.

You are so wrapped up in this pageant that you're not being yourself.

The Destiny I know, would never hurt someone the way you hurt Janice.

I'm not trying to hurt her.

I'm just trying to win the tiara.

Yeah, well, Janice quit the pageant.

So, it looks like you'll get what you want.

She quit?

So, she wasn't playing mind games with me?

No.

She was just trying to be your friend.

Next up, we have Destiny.

[Crowd cheering]

I don't think I can do this.

Well, if you want to win you have to do this.

Considering that nothing burger you served up in the question and answer.

[Exhales]

I don't care if I win.

I have something more important to do.

[Crowd muttering indistinctly]

Okay, this is awkward.

But you know what's not awkward?

Gary's four-fingered gloves.

For all you near-sighted lumberjacks.

Do not make me angry, Matteo.

Otis, you are completely out of control.

It's time to shut you down.

No.

I will not allow that.

How are you going to stop me?

I have Finn's dirty laundry, and I'm not afraid to use it.

Otis, stop!

[Digital beeping]

Let me go, or your friends will get it.

Get what?

Why is it getting so hot?

Because the toilet seat is boiling us alive.

[Ravi coughs]

Oh, no!

Air freshener.

Way too much air freshener.

Cannot breathe.

Matteo, no!

You really want to choose Finn over me?

Yes.

Finn might be messy, but he is my friend.

He is a human, and he never tried to boil anyone with a toilet.

Goodbye, Otis.

No!

Wait, I am still here?

You changed your mind.

No, it's just, to turn you off, I have to hold the power button down for a full seven seconds.

Oh, well then...

No!

[Powers down]

[Both coughing]

Are you guys okay?

No!

We almost d*ed smelling like fruit.

Sorry guys.

I guess giving control of our cabin to a robot wasn't the best idea.

True.

I'm happy to be alive but I'll miss the Can Can music and the toasty tushie.

Finn, could you just try and be a little cleaner with your stuff.

It would mean a lot to me.

Sure, 'cause I don't like fighting with you.

It's much more fun when we chuck rocks together.

[Chuckles softly]

Aw, look at you two resetting your inter-connectedness.

This is precisely what the Grizzly Council Circles are all about.

I will grab the talking stick.

Run!

I could not find the talking stick, but we could pass around this plunger.

B...

Boys?

Boys?

Janice, can we talk?

Why?

You don't care about me.

All you care about is winning the tiara.

Remember, you're a shark.

Your eyes are dead.

Like a doll's eyes.

I'm sorry, Janice.

I guess I was so worried about pageant girls messing with my head, I didn't notice, I had become just as bad as they were.

See, I have been in pageants my whole life, and I've always seen the other girls as my competition.

Well, this was my first pageant, and maybe I'm stupid, but I thought it was a good way to make friends.

You're not stupid at all.

In fact, I'm the one who had it wrong.

Pageants should be a place for girls to show off their best qualities, not their worst.

I should have supported you, instead of sabotaging you.

What made you realize that?

You.

I've met a lot of girls in pageants, but never one who cared less about winning, than she did about being my friend.

That makes finding someone like you, well, like finding a needle in a haystack.

Ooh, I love that game.

It's whole bunches of fun.

So, what do you think about us being friends?

Abso-stinking-lutely!

I knew there was a sweetheart behind those dead shark eyes.

Now, come on over here for a big old hug.

Unless, you're still not ready.

Oh, I'm abso-stinking-lutely ready.

[Chuckles]

Wonderful.

The TV Station preempted the pageant for live breaking news coverage.

I had to give everyone their money back.

Oh, the poor campers.

To heck with the campers, poor me!

Well, I'm sure whatever the news was, it was very important.

The town's stoplight went out.

That's it, this game is impossible.

I'm returning it.

What's that tiny little bag stapled to the box?

"Contains needle." "Tear open and drop into hay." Damn, stinking needle.

[Both laugh]