03x11 - Game of Totems

[bunniefuu]

Welcome, players, to the annual Kikiwaka Cup!

It's counselors versus campers.

Let's fight to the death!

For the last time, Lydia, no one is dying.

[Chuckles]

That's what you think.

Are you ready for this?

I was ready to win that cup.

I was not ready to see Ravi in shorts.

He's been working on his quads, and he wants everyone to know.

Okay.

The object of the game is to grab the opposing team's totem from their home base.

Can the two team captains please step forward.

As captain of the campers, I present to you our totem.

And our home base will be the flagpole.

[Whooping and cheering]

And I present the counselors' totem.

And our home base will be the North Meadow.

Counselors: [Chanting]

Wooh!

Wooh!

Wooh!

Which is exactly where you're gonna get your tushies whipped.

Good luck.

The last time the campers won, mullets were still in fashion.

That was one ugly winners' picture.

And we're gonna cream you campers again, because this year, we have Oscar.

You got that right.

I call this one Thor, and this one The Rock.

I miss one meeting, and this is who you hire?

He thinks it's an internship, so we got him for free.

We're not afraid of you wimps.

This year, we're finally going to win.

We've got the dream team.

Finn, who's fearless, Destiny, who's cutthroat, and Lydia, who's generally terrifying.

What about me?

You're...

Also on the team.

We'd win for sure, if we had better leadership.

I'm looking at you, Zuri Loss.

It's Zuri Ross.

Mmm.

Not according to your track record.

Lydia, I know Woodchuck and Weasel are rival cabins, but today we need to work together and be frie...

[Gags]

Frie...

I can't even say it without gagging.

Anyway, if a member of the opposite team tags you while you are on their turf, you are frozen until someone from your own team tags you.

Remember, if you're on your own turf, you can't be tagged.

Take one step on my turf, and I'll tag you so hard, your momma's gonna feel it.

[Nervously]

Boy...

I'm glad she's on our team.

I got special jerseys made so everyone can look totes cute as we destroy each other.

Let me in!

Let me in!

Hey, kid, why are you wearing a tent?

The sad thing is, this is a medium.

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ Okay, Oscar, I'm gonna go freeze some more campers, and you're gonna guard the totem.

Got it?

Do you think my calves are too small?

Your calves are fine.

It's your brain I'm worried about.

Hey, Oscar.

What'cha doing?

[Chuckles]

Guarding the totem, and doing calf raises.

So, what's your play here, kid?

Uh, get the totem, I think.

I don't know.

I didn't listen to the rules.

[Chuckles]

Oh!

This is gonna be like sh**ting fish in a barrel.

Fish?

Barrel?

sh**ting?

I really didn't listen to the rules.

[Chuckles]

You can run, but you can't hide.

I guess you can hide.

Oh, hi, little fella.

Hey, can I borrow your butt for a second?

You can't win, Finn.

I'm faster, I'm stronger, and I'm...

Skunk!

[Screams]

That was probably worse for you than it was for him.

Ha!

Froze you!

Campers rule, counselors drool.

Counselors rock, campers...

Clock!

Okay, that was terrible.

Someone from my team will be back any minute to unfreeze me.

Hopefully...

Finn: Not the office!

[Panting and exhaling]

I cannot believe you're throwing me out of the game for skunkin'.

Back home, that's how we start every tractor pull.

Does no one in your town own a whistle?

Now, you must stay in here until the game is over.

But what if I get hungry?

You should have thought of that before you broke rule thirty-four-A-backslash-nine, "Using wildlife as weaponry." But I will bring you a sandwich later.

Thanks, Ravi.

I always knew you were a big softie.

Oh, am I?

Because it will be wheat bread.

You're the worst!

No one said doing time was easy.

But I will cut off the crusts.

Okay, so here's the plan.

You run in and get Zuri's attention, and get her to chase you off, then I'll run in and get the totem.

Got it?

You think I could bench press that kayak?

You need to focus on Zuri.

I could definitely bench press Zuri.

Okay.

Listen.

We are in Zuri's territory, which means she can tag us, but we can't tag her, so be careful.

Okay, okay, I got it.

[Both chuckle]

[Exclaims]

Ha!

She'll never see me coming.

You're mine, muscles!

[Screams]

How did she see me?

Yes!

That totem is mine!

Ow!

Ah!

I've hurt my ankle!

Destiny, are you okay?

Mama Chuck is here.

Tag!

You're frozen.

I am not.

Faking an injury is against the rules.

I wasn't faking.

Then how come you're not limping?

It's a miracle!

Oh, sh**t!

I gotta get out of here.

Ow!

Ow!

[Loudly]

Ow!

For the last time, stop limping.

I know you are faking.

Now you must stay in here for the rest of the game.

Ravi, I'm going crazy.

I've been locked up in here forever.

You have only been in here for five minutes.

You gotta get me out of here.

I need to feel the sunlight on my face again.

Anything to keep you quiet.

Oh, sweet golden light!

Hey, I want my lawyer.

And I want you to stop talking, so neither of us are going to get what we want.

[Squeals]

Oh!

Ravi, now I've really hurt myself.

I guess I have to go to the infirmary.

And not because there's a TV in there.

Nice try.

Actually, that was a terrible try.

Your acting is dreadful.

[Exclaims]

And now I have an emotional injury.

[Sobs dramatically]

Stop it.

[Sighs]

You have a better chance of catching a cold than catching me.

Oh, both give me a headache.

How about we make this a little more interesting?

You mean a little side bet?

Uh-huh.

If the counselors win, I get that scarf you keep by your bed.

[Gasps]

Reba's scarf!

The one she threw to me after she finished singing Fancy?

Oh, that's the one.

Fine.

But if we win, I get your lucky pig's foot.

[Gasps]

That is my most prized piece of Penelope.

Exactly.

So, do we have a bet?

Yep.

And when you lose, you'll realize that foot wasn't so lucky after all.

For you or Penelope.

Must dig a tunnel!

Must dig a tunnel!

You're using safety scissors.

Yep, and by my calculations, I'll be out of here in 23 years.

Argh!

They broke.

And it's not fair that a counselor is the ref.

Yeah.

Ravi just put us in here because we're the best players on our team.

...and stay in here!

Well, there goes that theory.

There.

Now you don't have to worry about a strong wind blowing you away.

[Chuckles]

Thanks, destiny.

And I still can't believe you did something wrong.

What's next?

Frogs falling from the sky?

Talking apes taking over the Earth?

Putting men on the moon.

That already happened.

Yeah, right.

I'm sure what you did wasn't even that bad.

It was, too.

In fact, it doesn't get much badder.

[Helicopter whirring]

Oh, my gosh!

It's Matteo!

Hey, suckers!

We're done for!

Yep, because I've got water balloon grenades, and I'm gonna rain on your parade.

I don't know what I'm more afraid of.

His grenades or his clever word play.

Boom!

[Laughs cunningly]

Looks like you're all washed up.

[Chuckles]

He did it again.

Take me up, guys.

[Grunting]

That's silly.

You don't even own a t*nk top.

Yeah, the first week of camp, you swam in a turtleneck.

Okay.

You want the real reason I got thrown out?

I threw a dodgeball at Ravi.

You did?

You can pick up a dodgeball?

That's not the point of the story.

You know they don't use dodgeballs in this game, right?

I was trying to spice things up.

So sue me.

You may not realize this, but I happen to be a bad boy.

Name one other thing you've ever done that's bad.

I...

Once drank milk after the expiration date.

So not only was I bad, but so was the milk.

Hello!

Anyone?

[Buzzing]

Oh, no!

Bee!

Get away, I can't move my feet.

Ugh, why do I have to be such a rule follower?

If only you were wearing a tiny counselor's shirt, you could unfreeze me.

Don't you sting me.

No, no...

[Emma screams loudly]

Did you hear that?

That's Emma's w*r cry.

She is so inspirational.

Okay, we need to unfreeze some of those counselors.

We're running out of players.

I told them not to carbo-load.

It made them slow.

Yeah, we know, Oscar.

Pancakes are for the weak.

I just know Lou is plotting something.

Hmm.

Must be nice to have a leader with a plan.

Oh, I have a plan.

It involves a very sad phone call to your parents.

Counselors!

I'll tag Oscar.

I'm gonna bury you alive!

Why do I think you've done that before?

Ha!

You're frozen!

Looks like I'm about to be one pig's foot richer.

Uh-oh.

I should have used the bathroom before we started playing this game.

One time, I ran at the public pool.

I also throw regular trash into the recycling bin.

I could go on and on about my delinquent behavior.

You have.

Yeah, I stopped listening after, "Left the cap off my history teacher's dry erase marker." That's just how bad boys roll.

Sorry.

Not sorry, am I right?

In fact, I say we break out of here and go get some ice cream.

No!

Then we'll just get into even bigger trouble.

And I can't do any more time!

It's already starting to change me!

That might not be a bad thing.

We just have to get to the kitchen and that ice cream is ours.

I can smell the mint chocolate chip from here.

Really!

I smell pesticides and sweaty counselors.

Guys!

How are we going to sneak across the lawn without anyone noticing?

The coast is clear!

Let's go.

Ravi: Hold it right there!

Finn: It's Ravi!

Scratch all you want, Spencer, but if so much as one tootsie leaves the ground you will be out as out can be.

He's gone, move your raft!

Ravi: Oh, Spencer!

Here is some calamine lotion for that itch.

I am a stickler, but not a monster.

Wait, was that raft not over...

Oh, never mind!

Okay, this is the year when the kids finally b*at the grown-ups.

b*at them is right.

I'll get my axe handle.

It's got nails in it.

I meant win the game!

Wow, your soul is as dark as your eye makeup.

Molly, you go right and Kyle, you go left.

We just need someone to volunteer to get tagged.

And that volunteer is Lydia.

I didn't volunteer.

Thank you for your service.

Charge!

Ha!

You two are more frozen than that wart I had last summer!

I have said too much.

Lou, how did you get unfrozen?

Oscar came back and unfroze me.

And now I smell like skunk.

Even though he works for free, we're still overpaying him.

Well, now that you're frozen, it's too bad you don't have your Reba scarf to keep you warm.

You haven't won yet, wart girl But if you do, promise me you'll let me visit the scarf and give it a sniff every so often.

Sneaking out and eating ice cream with friends.

It doesn't get any better!

All I need for this to be perfect is some pageant trophies and the severed ponytails of all my competitors.

Sometimes...

I don't know whether to be friends with you or call the cops.

We should sneak back into the office before Ravi notices we're gone.

[Ravi exclaiming]

What is going on?

Certainly not sneaking out for ice cream!

Do you think he bought it?

No!

I cannot believe you would defy me.

Ravi, we're sorry.

Finn, I presume you are the ringleader per uszh.

No, Ravi, don't blame Finn.

It was my idea to sneak out.

What?

This was your idea?

Matteo, what has gotten into you?

You snuck out of the office, stole ice cream and you threw a dodgeball at me.

This is so unlike you.

Well, maybe you don't know me as well as you think.

Perhaps, but I do know that I'm disappointed.

Ooh!

He pulled the disappointed card.

He's good!

The truth is...

I threw that dodgeball because I wanted to get kicked out of the game.

What?

Why?

Because it's less embarrassing to get kicked out for being a bad boy than it is to quit.

But why would you want to quit?

Because...

I'm too small to play.

That's why you lied about being a bad boy?

Because you're too small?

Matteo, it doesn't matter what size you are.

You can still play!

But every time I try to play sports I get pushed around.

And the other kids tease me because I'm not very good.

I get it!

It may surprise you, but...

I used to be short too.

The good news is being vertically challenged has its advantages.

For example, you have much more leg room on planes.

I'm afraid of flying.

Buses then.

And, going through doorways, you're less likely to bump your head.

And you're more likely to be a witch.

Oh, wait, that's witches.

Okay!

But one big advantage is you would be much harder to catch while trying to capture the totem.

So being short can be a good thing?

Absolutely!

Now, I want you to go out there and show them.

So, does this mean you are letting me back into the game?

Yes.

Go win one for the little guy!

Can we go play too?

Yeah.

We're really sorry for cheating.

Okay, but please do not lie about any injuries.

And no more throwing anything that is alive.

So a dead skunk would be okay?

You are the reason the rule book is so specific.

Wait.

Come back!

Unfreeze us, Jenny!

Ah, great.

She got tagged.

You're dead to me, Jenny!

Man!

You'd think a kid from Cheetah cabin would be faster.

We're losing because of you, wood jerk!

This never would have happened if I had been team captain.

Please, you're a lunatic.

You probably would have suggested we gnaw all the counselors' arms off so they have nothing to tag us with.

That's ridiculous!

You only have to do it to one counselor.

Once the others know you're serious, it's game over.

[Finn whispering]

Hey, guys!

Good news, we're back in the game!

Great, because most of our team is frozen thanks to little Miss dark and creepy.

It's a look!

[Mocking]

It's a look.

You two done?

For now.

I'll get her later.

Look, we have a plan.

That'll make sure we kick those counselors' butts and win.

You had me at "kick." Great!

Let's hear it.

I'm going to dodge every counselor, grab that totem and win the game.

[Chuckling loudly]

No, seriously, what's the plan?

It's quiet!

Too quiet.

[Chuckling]

I can fix that.

[Loudly]

One!

Two!

Three!

That is not what I meant.

You threw my count off.

You were only on three!

Charge!

Real survivors!

Campers!

Over here!

Come get us!

Ha!

Got you!

You two are more frozen than a snotball in February.

Ew!

Looks like we're gonna win!

My pig's foot is gonna look even better wearing your Reba scarf.

That sounds great!

Except you forgot one tiny thing.

Yeah.

What's that?

Me!

[Grunting]

Let go!

We can't.

We're frozen.

Your feet smell!

That's the skunk!

I'm tiny and I'm clever and I'm...

Both: Run!

Hey, Oscar.

Where is Thor and Rock?

Oh, right here.

Boys, it's tagging time!

Where did he go?

Oscar!

[Campers cheering]

Tough break, Oscar.

I'd like you to meet my friends.

You and Lose.

You're mean.

Matteo, you did it!

You won the game for us!

I did!

Now...

Please carry me to the infirmary.

My tiny calves are on fire!

It is my honor to present the Kikiwaka Cup to this year's victors.

The Campers.

[All cheering]

Thank you!

And this time our winners' picture will be mullet free.

So, you'll have to sit this one out, Billy Ray.

Matteo, this belongs to you.

The camper who won it for us.

Thanks!

I'm so proud to have this athletic cup.

Let's just call it a trophy.

Lydia, I hate to say this, but you did a pretty good job for a Weasel.

Thanks.

So, is there anything nice you wanna say to me?

Nope.

Here you go.

Hopefully it brings you more luck than it brought me.

[Sizzling]

You went through all that just so you could throw my pig's foot in the fire?

It was totally worth it.

That thing's been stinking up the cabin all summer.

I can't believe I only have three more left.

Hey!

Has anyone seen Emma?

Guys!

Is the game over?

Did we win?

Oh!

Where did you come from?

Don't you do it.

No!

No!

[Spraying) (Emma screaming]

Emma: Aw, right in my mouth!