03x13 - Bungle in the Jungle

[bunniefuu]

Well, after last night's unfortunate events, we are out of bear att*ck report forms and gauze.

So, I am off to town.

I told you that outdoor jerky-drying festival was a bad idea.

And don't buy any more of those honey-scented candles.

Salmon scented it is.

All right.

Let's get this party started.

You guys want to carbon-date the wood on these tables?

Nope.

I'm not ready to party quite that hard.

Okay.

You guys wanna go play pool?

Nope.

Boring.

Besides, all the cue sticks are broken, thanks to you.

We were riding horses.

What else was I supposed to use as a jousting lance?

Nothing!

We were just taking a peaceful ride on a scenic trail.

That's why it was the perfect time to att*ck.

Huh.

I've never noticed this game.

You guys wanna play "Jungle Rescue"?

Yeah!

Nope.

[Sighs]

Destiny, you never listen to us.

Yeah, you always dismiss our ideas.

We always have to do what you want.

That is so not true.

Then why are our nails green?

To be fair, most of yours is fungus.

Not true.

Some of these are boogers.

And this is why we always do what I say.

All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ All: ♪ Kikiwaka, Kikiwaka ♪ Hey, I've got good news.

The kids in Bunny Cabin stopped puking from Ravi's reheated possum loaf?

No, apparently that stuff keeps coming up for days.

And that's why I got that extra-liability insurance.

And buckets.

You're welcome.

Anyway, [Gasps]

The great news is, I'm gonna be a Fightin' Locust.

Seems a little early to be planning your Halloween costume.

No, that's the mascot for Eastern Ohio State University, the college that I just got into.

I'm gonna study be a teacher.

[Gasps]

Lou, that's amazing.

I'm so happy for you.

Me too.

And it's perfect timing.

You can tell your mom when she comes to visit today.

She's gonna be so proud of you.

I hope so.

The truth is, Hockhausers have always just worked on the family farm.

So you'd be the first one to go to college?

Yep.

Unless you count my Aunt Tilda.

She graduated from Betsy's Beauty Bus.

So, technically, she didn't go to college, college came to her.

Is this one of those games where you stick a card to your forehead?

No, but knowing you, you'll do it anyway.

Ooh, it says the object of the game is to rescue Safari Jim.

[Gasps) While avoiding dangerous obstacles in an overgrown jungle.

(Chuckles]

Come on, Destiny.

Play with us.

Nope.

And you guys should not be playing that stupid game either, because your nails aren't dry.

It's not stupid.

Check it out.

This guy is called The Professor, and he has a sick boomerang around his neck.

That's a bowtie.

And this Python dude has a barbed wire tattoo around his bicep.

I'm gonna get me one of those.

You'd need a bicep first.

Hey, Destiny, you can be the assistant character.

Assistant to you dummies?

Nope.

[Eerie music playing]

[All groaning]

What happened?

Where are we?

This is how I felt after Finn knocked me off my horse with that pool cue.

Jousting lance.

Wait, I'm wearing a bowtie, and I know what a bowtie is.

I'm a genius now!

And you look just like that Professor character.

Guys, I think somehow we wound up in the board game.

That's crazy.

No, I think he's right.

[Gasps]

Check out that tattoo on your arm.

You must be Python.

Cool!

I bet I'm super strong!

Awesome!

And now rocks will be afraid of being thrown at me.

Wait, why is everything so blurry?

Oh, put on your glasses.

Oh, that's better.

Wait, I wear glasses?

That's the least of your problems.

Look in the mirror.

[Screams]

My curls are gone!

[Panting]

Who am I?

Well, if I'm the Professor, and he's Python, that makes you...

Both: Our assistant!

[Screams]

I'm the Assistant.

I hope this picnic lunch softens the blow when I break my college news to Mama.

Oh, relax, you said you guys are best friends.

Although, you said the same thing about us.

So, I guess you just throw that term around.

[Gasps]

There's the corn to my bread.

There's the butter to my biscuit.

Lou-Lou!

Mama!

[Laughter]

Guys, this is my mama, Dixie.

So nice to finally meet you.

[Gasps]

You must be Emma.

Lou-Lou's told me so much about you.

Wow, it's true.

Her head is huge.

[Chuckles]

Right?

In school, everyone called her a bobblehead.

No, that was just you.

And this sweet girl must be Zuri, The one who snores like a fog horn.

[Imitates horn blaring]

Mama, [Chuckles]

remember what we talked about.

Just cause you think something, doesn't mean you have to say it out loud.

Oh, that's right.

Then I won't mention how badly they underpay you.

[Sighs]

Oh, don't worry, Lou mentions that to us all the time.

We choose to ignore it.

So, Mama, I have some big news to tell you...

Hold on, Lou-Lou.

First, I have a big ol' surprise for you.

It is a quilt that I've been secretly stitching for you since the day you were born.

Oh, my goodness!

You made this for me, Mama?

It's beautiful.

It has a patch for every important moment in your life.

This one is the blouse from when you lost your first tooth [Gasps]

And look, there's the tooth.

Ew!

I mean...

Aww.

And as a special surprise, this weekend, I thought I would sew on the final patch, which represents you continuing the Hockhauser legacy by taking over the family farm.

[Sniffling]

Oh, my gosh, here come the waterworks.

Oh, sorry.

Hold it in, Mama.

You know when you cry, I cry.

Sorry.

Okay, Lou-Lou, now what was that big news you wanted to tell me?

Yeah, Lou, tell your mom that you got into...

Butter churning!

I got into butter churning.

And, you know what, you were right, Mama, it's a great workout.

I told you!

Now, Emma, I am curious.

Do you have to order custom-made hats?

[Chuckles]

I like this lady.

[Chuckles]

We've gotta get out of this stupid game.

Nope.

This place is awesome.

[Gasps]

Look, there's a colossus oryctes nasicornis.

[Screams]

Aww, you scared him away.

I scared him?

Let's look for more entomological curiosities.

[Gasps]

I'm so passing first grade this year.

Hey, guys, check this out.

Why are you carrying that tree trunk?

'Cause I can.

How are we going to get out of this game and get me into some clothes with less pockets?

G'day, mates.

Ravi!

Ravi?

What kind of a name is that?

That guy sounds like a real bogan.

Name's Safari Jim.

I'm the only bloke who can get you back home.

Yes.

Please take us home.

[Sighs]

No worries, little lady.

But first, is anyone hungry?

Earlier today, I tossed some beetle meat on the barbie.

We're good, thanks.

Hold down.

Allow me to posit this query.

If the object of the game is to rescue Safari Jim, then what exactly are we rescuing him from?

Undercooked beetle meat?

[Footsteps thumping]

Ah.

Well, that giant rhino, for starters.

[Growling]

[Kids screaming]

Crikey!

[Grunting]

I hope he has a rhino att*ck report form.

[Rhino grunting) (Clothes ripping]

Safari Jim: Ouch!

And gauze.

Lou, I know you're nervous, but you need to break it to your mom that you want to be a teacher, not a farmer.

Yeah, tell her the truth.

She'll get it.

She tells everybody the truth.

No kidding.

She told Ravi he was small enough to fit inside her purse.

Then she tried to prove it.

You guys don't understand.

I can't go against Mama's wishes.

We hardly ever disagree.

Really?

Well, once she wanted to watch The Donkey Bachelor, and I wanted to watch The Donkey Bachelorette.

So we compromised and watched Extreme Barn Makeover.

You should've seen the look on those chickens' faces when they saw their fancy new coop.

That's...

Odd.

But Lou, this is your life, not your mom's.

Um, maybe you guys are right and Mama will understand.

We are best friends.

[Clears throat]

As are we.

It's too late, Lou.

Guys.

We have to rescue Safari Jim.

If we do that, the game will be over, and I can stop wearing khaki.

Hey, look!

Safari Jim dropped his backpack running from the rhino.

Maybe there's something in it that can help us find him.

[Gasps]

Look, a map.

This big, red "X" must be where Safari Jim is.

We can take this main path to get there.

Nope.

We're going this way.

But it's labeled "Extreme Danger." Which is what makes it fun.

[Tense music playing]

Uh-oh!

What's happening?

It appears we're stuck in a colloid hydrogel consisting of...

Just say quicksand, smart guy!

And why aren't you helping us?

Sorry, I'm just enjoying being taller than you.

Mama.

Mmm-hmm.

I think we need to talk.

Oh, no.

Your daddy said that to me once, and you know what came next?

He wanted to switch to turkey bacon.

[Sighs]

I hope this goes well.

Or really badly in a fun way.

Mama.

Mmm-hmm.

You see, the thing is, I don't really want to take over the family farm.

I want to go to college and become a teacher.

Oh.

[Sighs]

College?

Yes, ma'am.

It's my dream.

But eight generations of Hockhausers have stayed home and worked the farm.

And now you think you're too good for it, Louella?

Her real name is "Louella"?

[Scoffs]

I owe Ravi five bucks.

I don't think I'm too good for it.

Well, it sure sounds like it.

Suddenly, I don't even recognize you.

You're like that chicken coop at the end of Extreme Barn Makeover.

Mama...

I can't talk about this right now.

I need to finish this quilt, so you can have it when you take your rightful place at the farm.

Quit it with the dang quilt.

This is my life we're talking about.

Well, give that back!

Not until we talk!

[Grunting]

Stop.

[Gasps]

Well, I hope you're happy, Louella.

You have literally ripped this family apart!

[Sighs]

That was tough to watch.

Zuri, are you crying?

No.

Lou's baby tooth hit me in the eye.

Help us!

This is fascinating.

I feel the quicksand starting to compress my lungs, which will lead to a pulmonary...

Throw me a branch, so I can either crawl out of here, or hit him and die in peace.

[Panting]

I've got a better idea.

[Both struggling]

Quick, grab the vine!

[Grunts]

Got it!

Hold on.

[Both panting]

Man, that was close.

Yeah.

Thanks, dude.

Your super strength saved us.

Five words I never thought I'd hear directed at me.

Okay, since your stupid shortcut almost got us k*lled, we're heading back to the main path.

Nope.

Your way is as boring as your outfit.

Besides, with the Professor's brain and my ability to lift random things, there's nothing we can't get through.

You know what?

I am sick and tired of you guys not listening to me.

I am going back to the main path and you can find yourselves another Assistant because I quit.

Fine!

But if you think you're gonna get a letter of recommendation from us, you are sadly mistaken!

I cannot believe Louella would betray our family.

No, she's not trying to betray you.

And those are our towels.

That'll be 50 dollars.

We take cheques.

Hey, Mama, can we please talk about...

Wait.

You're leaving?

Would one of you young ladies please tell my cold-hearted daughter that, yes, I am leaving.

Oh, so you're not speaking to me now.

Fine.

Emma, would you please tell my even colder-hearted mother that she is being unfair.

Um, cold-hearted mom, your cold-hearted daughter says that...

You can tell her she should think about what it's like to have your only child rip up your family legacy and poop on it.

Okay, the poop part is a metaphor, but the rippin' was very real.

Uh, your mom said...

You tell her, the only poop on that quilt is a very unflattering potty training patch.

Okay, I'm out.

Mama, I can't believe you don't want me to live the life that I want.

What I want is to keep the family tradition alive.

I thought that mattered to you too.

Well, it seems like you care more about that tradition than you care about your own daughter.

That is not true.

It is so.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a class to teach.

Have a nice trip home.

I hope you eat a gas station egg-salad sandwich and have to use the bathroom on the bus.

On the bright side, at least you two are talking again.

I just don't understand.

Lou has spent her whole life birthing calves and slopping hogs.

How could she wanna leave that?

I feel like that question answers itself.

You know, farming isn't the only thing Lou has spent her life doing.

She's also been here at camp, every summer, helping out kids.

Here, come look.

Lou: Duck.

Duck.

See that?

Goose.

[Kids screaming]

Emma: They love her so much.

And she's so great with them.

Which is why she would be such an amazing teacher.

Aww.

Lou-Lou used to play "Duck, Duck, Goose" with our piglets.

Which really confused our ducks and geese.

Help!

Help!

I'm super strong, but this web is super sticky.

Yes, the silk of a spider's web has a strength to density ratio exceeding that of steel.

Isn't that fascinating?

I should've left you in the quicksand.

Oh, hey.

I see your shortcut worked out well.

Clowns.

That is no way to speak to your bosses.

Yeah, you can forget about that Christmas bonus.

For the last time, I am not your assistant.

So, do you guys know where Safari Jim is?

Maybe.

We assume he's that lump in the hat.

Safari Jim: Please help me outta here!

Come on.

Climb up the web and free us, so we can rescue Safari Jim and get out of the game.

Safari Jim: Yeah, please!

We're about to be eaten alive!

And I've an itch on my nose.

Simon says take a step forward.

Simon says take a step back.

Simon says raise your hand if you feel like a person should be able to follow their dreams without being made to feel like a traitor.

Louella, can we talk?

Are you here to destroy these kids' dreams, too?

Best to do it while they're young.

Simon says, stand on one leg.

Wow, those kids really listen to you.

They have to.

I'm Simon.

And once you've trained a rebellious goat, children are a piece of cake.

Oh, you really did set Billie straight.

Since you trained him, he has not eaten a single tractor carburetor.

Although, he still loves a good hubcap.

He is an emotional eater.

Oh.

Has he suffered any trauma lately?

Well, we ate his brother.

That'll do it.

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

Oh, I'm sorry we fought, Lou-Lou.

Me too, Mama.

But I'm happy you came so you could see what I do.

You know, all this time, I thought you were coming to camp every summer, because you didn't like seein' your dad on the tractor in his short shorts.

Well, that's just an added perk.

But now I see it's because you really love working with kids.

Yes, ma'am.

Mmm.

I feel like teaching is what I was born to do.

But not if it means disappointing you.

If you really want me to take over the farm, I will.

You know, I once read on a fancy restaurant napkin that if you love something, you have to let it go.

So I threw my pork chop out the window.

But now I'm thinking, what it meant is, I should let you follow your dream.

Really, Mama?

Of course, darlin'.

Oh, forgive me for getting so mad at you.

The truth is, I was scared about losing my daughter.

You're not gonna lose me, Mama.

I'll come home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Spring Break.

Well, maybe not Spring Break.

I want to go somewhere exotic.

[Gasps]

Like des moines.

Uff, Des Moines.

Wow, you college kids are so highfalutin.

[Both chuckle]

Hurry up before the spider comes back.

Don't worry.

It will inject us with a paralyzing neurotoxin, so we'll barely feel it when it bites our heads off and sucks out our insides.

Oddly enough, I'm still worried.

Look, I made stilts.

We're about to be eaten alive, and you joined the circus?

No, I'm rescuing you.

Although I'm not sure why.

You know, if you cut the web at a 45 degree angle, it would be a more effective way to...

[Finn screaming]

Ow!

Seemed pretty effective to me.

You got anything to say?

Thank you?

[Both grunting]

Destiny: You're welcome.

Now, we have to save Safari Jim so we can get out of here.

Don't worry, we'll take it from here.

Seriously?

I just saved your lives and now I'm regretting it.

Boy, that was harsh.

No, what's harsh is you guys dismissing every idea I have.

[Screeching]

Uh, um, okay.

No, this time you're going to hear me out.

The thing is...

Stop!

It really hurts my feelings when you don't listen to me.

And if we all work together, we can save...

Safari Jim?

That's what we were trying to tell you.

The arachnid ate him.

But saving Safari Jim was our only chance to get back to camp.

Now we're stuck in this stupid game forever!

[Thumping]

[Spider screeching]

[Shudders]

[Hissing]

Actually, we'll be stuck in that spider's stomach.

[Screaming]

She must have had that "Losing a pageant" dream again.

Ravi.

You're not a skeleton.

Aww, thank you.

I have put on a few LBs.

You might even say I'm...

"Swole." [Chuckles]

Okay.

Destiny, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm just happy to be back.

Back from where?

You fell asleep reading that magazine.

Reading puts me to sleep, too.

Last time I opened a fortune cookie, I read, "You will..." then woke up three hours later.

Yup, I'm definitely back.

And guys, I'm really sorry that I don't listen to you.

Is she apologizing?

It must be a trap.

No, really.

From now on, I wanna do whatever you wanna do.

Do you want to play Jungle Rescue with us?

No!

Told you it was a trap.

I am so excited to go to college.

I can't believe I'm gonna be a Fightin' Locust.

You know they're the cutest of all the plagues.

[Chuckles]

And don't forget, you promised to come home and visit a lot.

[Gasps]

We can binge watch million dollar outhouse.

We have a surprise for you two.

Oh, are you finally going to pay my Lou-Lou what she's worth?

Lady, I got overhead.

We fixed your quilt for you.

[Gasps]

Aww, thanks, guys.

And we even made a new quilt square.

[Gasps]

Oh, stick people.

Oh, you had the little kids make that for us.

Well, if that ain't the sweetest thing I ever saw.

Uh, no.

We made this ourselves.

Oh, well, in that case, it is the ugliest, sorriest excuse for a...

Best patch I ever saw.

I love it.

Oh, thank you, Foghorn and Bobblehead.

[Whispers]

Don't worry, she's leaving tonight.