05x03 - Kicks

[bunniefuu]

Okay, we're all set up in there, Mr.

Peralta.

Just sign here.

What's all set up?

What's going on?

Ah, thank you for asking, Terrence.

You see, the food in prison was inedible.

All I thought about day and night were the things I wished I was eating.

And you, Amy.

I thought about you a lot.

Sex with you, just, us doing sex with foreplay.

Great save, babe.

Thanks.

And so I decided to make my food fantasy come true.

Unbutton your pants and take off your shoes, 'cause there's gonna be a doinkload of sodium at Freedom Feast 2017.

We begin where all great stories begin.

In the quaint little town of French Fry Village.

After that, we're gonna move our adventure over to Cheeseburger Mountain, which consists...

you guessed it...

of turkey burgers.

I'm kidding, it's cheeseburgers.

This is kind of just stuffing.

You can avoid that.

But it's attached to the Thanksgiving turkey theme 'cause I was thinking about that a lot up in the jail.

And finally, we have a big old Passover brisket 'cause you know I loves my mom.

If you would all take a seat while I make a toast.

Kindly raise your two liters.

To freedom, to you, and most importantly, to orange drank.

And sex with Amy.

To sex with Amy!

Sorry.

Shouldn't have said that last part.

- Oink, oink.

Good morning, sir.

Your expression is inscrutable as always.

And yours is extremely scrutable.

You want something.

A video game, perhaps?

Or a fidget spinner?

I do want both of those things, but that's not why I'm here.

I'm back and I'm ready for a case, so what do you got?

A m*rder?

A sui?

A m*rder-sui?

They often follow one another.

Ooh, maybe you've got an avunculicide up in there?

The m*rder of an uncle.

I'm surprised you know what that word means.

I learned about a lot of new crimes in prison.

Those people real bad.

You know you can't work a case yet.

You've been assigned to desk duty.

Oh, please.

Don't make me sit behind a desk all day.

That's worse than prison.

No, it's not.

Prison real bad.

Those are the rules for anyone experiencing a traumatic work-lapse.

It wasn't that traumatic.

You just said, and I quote, "Prison real bad." Look, I'm ready.

I'm the same old Jake.

I don't know why you have an issue with this.

Rosa was happy to comply.

So, what, now I'm just supposed to do anything that Rosa does?

I mean, what if she jumped off a cliff?

If Rosa were to jump off a cliff, she would've done her due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so...

yes.

If you see Rosa jump off a cliff, by all means.

Jump off a cliff.

You jump off a cliff.

Gladly.

Provided Rosa did first.

Hey.

Babe.

You forgot your lunch at home.

Aww, thanks Adrian.

You're the sweetest.

Aww, of course.

I French kissed every slice of meat in that sandwich.

Pimento, welcome back.

How was Argentina?

Eh, it was kind of boring, actually.

Although, one funny thing did happen to me.

Still feels like you and I have a different idea about what a funny thing is.

Right?

Anyway.

I should boogie.

What?

Say good-bye to mommy.

Ooh, don't mind if I do.

All right, I'm just gonna look over here.

- Okay.

I'm doing that thing.

- Man.

- I think it's still happening.

- I'm still hearing it.

Phew!

Hang on.

Were you creeps watching that the whole time?

- Well...

- Uh...

I'm just kidding.

I know you were.

It's like an eclipse.

You should always look at it with both eyes wide open.

Full on.

You're welcome.

I love you, babe.

- Love you too.

- Yeah!

Must be so nice having Pimento back.

I mean, you shouldn't eat that sandwich.

Something's wrong.

He's acting weird...

- Er than normal?

- Yes.

He's not telling me something.

You guys did spend several months apart.

Maybe it's all in your head.

Oh.

b*tches be crazy, is that what you're saying, Terry?

What?

No, no.

I did not say that.

I would never say that.

Not cool, Terry.

My relationship's in trouble.

Terry loves women!

Women be sane!

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life, desk brother.

I don't think so.

This is just temporary.

That's what I said.

Join us, Jake.

You know you want to.

We're going to Wingsluts.

My God.

Charles!

Charles, Charles, Charles!

What's wrong?

Going crazy over here, man.

The only worthwhile thing I've done today was take a Buzzfeed quiz about what kind of onion I am.

Hm.

Vidalia.

Ah.

Cipollini.

That was not the point of my story.

- Oh.

- Desk duty is a nightmare.

Name one thing someone accomplished while sitting behind a desk.

Abraham Lincoln abolished sl*very.

Yeah, but think about how much faster he would've done it if he'd got off his ass once in a while, right?

Well, just tell me what you're working on, huh?

Before the stapling starts again, please?

Please?

- I don't know if I should.

- Charles, Charles, Charles!

I need this, man.

Just give me a little taste.

- Grand larceny.

- No!

- Ow!

- Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

I just...

I love grand larceny.

I know.

I didn't wanna bring it up.

It'll never happen again, just...

Who got robbed?

- Sneaker store.

- I hope you die!

- Ah!

- Oh!

That was way too harsh.

Charles, forgive me.

This is crazy, right?

It doesn't seem fair.

I should be working this case.

Yeah.

I will work this case.

There's gotta be a way to fix it.

and I'm gonna figure it out.

- Are you serious?

- Yes.

Yeah!

Wow, throwing your file all over the place, Charles?

- Really immature.

- Yeah, you're right.

I'll go clean it up.

Well, figured out what's off with Pimento.

He's cheating on me.

- No.

- Oh, Rosa.

I found his credit card statement.

There's a charge for a restaurant called La Palapa.

Two entrees.

One flan.

- One flan?

- One flan.

- That's cold.

- Yeah.

Cold.

I'm so confused.

They shared the flan!

Okay, but...

That seems like a bit of a stretch.

Nope.

When it comes to cheating, you gotta pay attention to all the signs.

During my year abroad in Japan, I learned that the hard way.

Chiaki...

There was no Japanese tea sock.

But there was a Japanese man.

I wasted a year on Chiaki.

So, what should I do?

Maybe don't jump to conclusions.

No!

Interrogate him!

Follow the flan, Rosa.

Follow the flan.

Right.

Follow the flan.

Guess what I'm holding behind my back?

Before we begin, what are the parameters of the guessing game?

How many guesses do I get?

Is there a time limit?

Forget it.

You ruin everything.

It's the police code and ethics manual.

Chapter four.

Page 83.

You should not have told me.

I never would've guessed it.

Now I've won.

This.

This is what I've missed.

It clearly states that I can get off of desk duty if I pass a field evaluation performed by a member of the Municipal Police Training Council.

That's right.

It's a loophole.

Loophole high five.

- Loop...

- Hole.

- Loop...

- Hole!

Enough.

This is highly inappropriate.

Did you also see where it states, "If you fail the evaluation, you will be suspended"?

I would have to take your g*n and badge.

I'm not worried about that.

I swear to my personal Lord and Savior, Steph Curry, I'm ready.

I think you're rushing.

It's a bad idea.

Doesn't matter.

I'm allowed to demand my own evaluation.

Yes, but as your commanding officer, I choose the evaluator.

And I choose...

Me.

Wait.

What?

I'm a qualified member of the MPTC.

I'll administer it.

All right.

Fine.

I'll pass your dumb evaluation and cr*ck this case.

Bring it on.

- I will.

- Good.

- Good.

- You're good.

But I'm better.

And I'm gonna ace this thing before you can even...

Oh, wait, wait, what are you writing down?

Sir?

What are you writing down?

Charles...

What's he writing?

- Write something good.

- Write something good.

We're just gonna leave.

Just stop writing.

- Just stop writing.

- Stop writing.

- Unless it's good.

- No.

- Is it good?

- Is it good?

We're gonna go.

Sir?

Write something good.

Write something good.

It looks like the perp knew what he was after.

All he took was a shipment of thousand dollar limited edition Weezies designed by Little Wayne.

Oh, it's Lil.

- Oh, like Lillian.

- No.

Lillian Wayne.

Okay.

Okay.

Captain, I hope you're wearing your evaluating pants, 'cause I'm about to put on a crime solving clinic.

I am wearing my evaluating pants.

What?

'Cause I was just...

Wait, what are evaluating pants?

They have a deep bottom pocket for my notepad, and they don't crease, which is a must, given how much I squat during an evaluation.

Mmkay, well there were no witnesses to the crime, which is weird since there was a long line of sneaker-heads right outside the window, and you're actually squatting.

Just, uh, ignore me.

Unless you can't.

It's not a problem.

I love ignoring you.

Don't write that down.

But continuing with the case, There were no signs of forced entry.

- Hm.

- No fingerprints.

- Hmm.

- And no DNA evidence.

- Hmm.

- Okay, I can't ignore you.

What are you writing down there?

Probably that you're crushing it, Jake, because you are crushing it.

Are you trying to squat a peek?

Of course I'm trying to squat a peek, but I also might be solving the case.

Charles, come take a look at this...

there's a security camera across the street we didn't see before.

I have a feeling our answers are in that footage.

Squat five.

- Too far.

- I'll move closer.

- Still too far.

- A little closer.

- Getting closer.

- There we go.

Worth it.

I followed the flan.

I confronted Pimento about La Palapa and he lied to me.

_ He denied ever even hearing about the restaurant.

- Hmm, that is strange.

- And this morning, he left the house in clean clothes.

- He never does that.

- Never?

You need to follow him.

Catch him with his spoon in the flan.

That's exactly what I was thinking.

I need to check out a full surveillance kit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

That's against the rules.

Sarge?

There are no rules when it comes to cheating, Amy.

I totally agree.

But unfortunately, the NYPD does not.

I can't lend you department equipment for personal use.

But there may be a work-around.

Hitchcock!

You have any surveillance equipment Rosa can borrow?

You mean my creep kit?

No prob.

Got another one in the car.

See, Amy?

That's what a real friend looks like.

Okay.

Security footage came in.

Let's see what we got.

Probably a huge break.

Well, let's not put too much pressure on it.

You're right.

It's probably a dead end.

- Also not helpful.

- Let's just watch the footage.

Yes.

Great.

All right, so, here we have the camped-out line of sneaker-heads.

Not much going on around midnight.

- Let's just fast-forward.

- It's okay.

Still pretty calm at around 1:00 a.m.

- That's all right.

- Fast forward.

And also looking a little bit slow around 3:00 a.m.

So, basically it shows nothing.

Or...

Does it show everything?

Ooh!

Sorry not sorry.

It was just a stupid pencil.

It was a gift from my deceased father.

A pencil?

Your dad gave pretty bad gifts.

Although on the other hand, all my dad ever gave me was abandonment issues, so, potato-tomato.

But look at this.

Right around 4:00 a.m., the line moves down.

Everyone except for that blue pup tent, which is interesting.

Oh, my boy's got a hunch.

He's got bunches of hunches.

I think they didn't move down because they didn't care about their place in line.

I believe all they cared about was the placement of their tent, which was...

Right over this manhole cover.

And I wonder what's behind this.

Hayouken!

Oh, look.

It's the sneaker store stock room.

Whoa.

How does he do it, folks?

It was a team effort, Boyle.

- Humble five?

- You know it.

Uh, I couldn't possibly.

Of course we still have no idea who was in the blue pup tent.

You know what?

There is no pleasing you.

That is accurate.

What do you want?

- Hey.

- Hi, Rosa.

How's the Pimento stake out going?

Has he done anything suspicious yet?

No.

Just regular Pimento stuff.

Ugh.

It's like he's going all norm-core to through me off the scent.

Or maybe it could be Pimento wasn't cheating on you.

What?

You sound like a real Amy right now.

- Hey.

- I know, but even a broken Amy can be right twice a day.

Hey!

We went to lunch at La Palapa and we shared the flan.

Oh, so you two are boning now?

No!

The flan's huge.

Everyone shares it.

- The restaurant tells you to.

- Hmm.

Maybe it's time to put the creep kit away, Rosa.

Wait.

Pimento just walked up to a woman.

A female woman?

Rosa, is it a female woman?

They just kissed.

Oh, no.

I'm so sorry, Rosa.

Whatever.

Hope you enjoyed the flan.

So, what's this about a giant flan?

The manager at the store recognized the pup tent from two previous sneaker launches.

And he ID'd the owner as one Morris Richman.

Who just so happens to work for Con Ed, on underground electrical wires.

He also just so happens to live a-right a-here.

You might wanna squat for this, Mr.

Evaluator.

I decide when the squatting is necessary.

This was my choice.

Can I help you?

Are you Morris Richman?

- Yes.

- And are those Weezies?

Yes.

- Well done, Peralta.

- Thank you.

But it wasn't me.

It was Steph...

Working through me.

What is going on?

Oh, he's been evaluating me.

It's been up and down, but this is a clear win.

Oh, sorry, you mean what's going on with you?

You're under arrest for grand larceny.

I didn't do anything.

Is this about the Weezies?

A friend gave them to me.

I'm innocent.

Come on, man, I'm innocent.

Sure you are, buddy.

We all know you did it.

Charles!

- We arrested the wrong guy.

- What?

Morris Richman didn't do it.

We have to fix this right now.

I'll wait for you to not be naked.

This is really bad, Charles.

Jake, can you please spiral a little quieter?

Nikolaj is still asleep and if he hears two men arguing in the next room, he might think he's getting sold again.

Aww, man, his backstory is so sad.

- I know.

- Look.

I don't know how I screwed this up, I mean, maybe Holt got in my head with all of his squatting.

- It was a powerful image.

- I think I rushed this all so I could pass the evaluation.

Bottom line, we arrested the wrong guy.

What about the pup tent?

And the manhole?

And he was wearing Weezies.

Maybe his friend gave them to him just like he said.

We have no physical evidence tying him to the stock room.

Plus, where are the rest of the sneakers?

Okay.

So, do we tell Captain Holt?

No.

Then he'll fail me and I'll get suspended.

We gotta solve this on our own.

And I think I know how.

I found a lead on the dark web.

Nice.

The dark web.

It's the only place you can buy quality bat meat.

Mm.

Gross.

Anyways, I posted a message looking for Weezies and I got pointed to MizzBK-Sneaks.

She put this pic up yesterday.

Ah.

Those are our stolen shoes.

But who's MizzBK-Sneaks?

Her name is Jenny McFadden.

She moves her merch out of the back of a bodega on Willoughby.

Cool, cool, cool, cool.

All right, one problem.

If we go to the bodega looking like detectives, we'll spook her.

Right you are, Charles my chum.

But we won't look like detectives.

I brought all my best sneakers.

Get your fat, sweaty feet ready.

Yeah.

We're gonna look flippity-dippity-fly.

Hey.

So, you doing okay?

Not really.

I waited outside that restaurant for two hours and he never came out.

Cantaloupe?

I'm good.

Amy?

Also good.

Also good.

I spent the whole night riding my bike, just thinking and riding, riding and thinking.

Also, I drank some water from the stream.

And what did you figure out?

I'm gonna dump his ass.

He should be here any minute.

Oh, you're gonna do it at work.

That's great.

There you are.

Babe, I've been looking for you all night.

You didn't come home.

'Cause I knew if I did, I would s*ab you in the face.

Oh, Terry, we have the thing in the other room.

- Mm-hmm.

- Phone...

Yeah.

Meeting.

Uh, work.

Friend lunch.

Yep.

So is this a sexy s*ab in the face?

Or an angry s*ab in the face?

Don't play dumb with me.

I know about your mistress.

I know about La Palapa.

I know about the flan.

- Babe, wait.

- Oh, I've been waiting.

I waited all night to do this.

We're done.

It's over.

What?

No.

I don't have a mistress.

That woman's name is Señora Reyes.

She's my Spanish teacher.

- Oh, please.

- No, I'm serious.

The only reason we were even at La Palapa was so I can practice ordering in Spanish.

Ah...

by the way...

_ It did?

_ _ Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Adrian, I'm so sorry.

You must be so mad at me.

What?

No, of course I'm not mad at you.

Are you kidding?

Jealousy's, like, the hottest emotion.

Let's do this.

Okay, let's do it.

All right.

This guy looks like the gatekeeper.

- Just follow my lead.

- Okay.

Hey, how are ya?

Just grabbing a couple things.

Ham puffs, a single tampon, and a hot rod magazine?

- Know how we do.

- Ahh.

Hey, listen, we're looking to score some kicks.

You know where we can find some?

Yeah.

The mall.

The mall.

What do we look like, Jay and Silent Bob?

Actually, yeah.

Fair enough.

Look, we're friends with Jenny McFadden.

Okay.

Well, if that's true, tell me what her favorite shoe is.

Old school Impala All-Stars.

- Okay.

I'll go get her.

- Great.

I can't believe that worked.

I just guessed the coolest shoe I knew and I was right.

Nope, he's running away.

Ugh, these shoes are so uncomfortable!

They're dress sneakers, you're not supposed to run in them.

Freeze!

NYPD.

Let me see your hands.

I didn't do anything.

Then why were you running?

I didn't want any trouble.

I have two priors.

Where is Jenny McFadden?

There is no Jenny McFadden.

That's a cover for the dude who steals the shoes.

His name is Morris Richman.

Oh, no.

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Why are you freaking out?

This is great.

You were right all along.

It was Morris Richman.

You'll definitely pass your evaluation now.

Yeah, the only thing is...

You let Morris Richman go?

Single tampon?

I am in shock, Peralta.

I can't believe you released Morris Richman.

We have evidence.

Great evidence that Jake found.

Exactly, which makes it even worse that he let him go.

That's not fair.

I was trying to help, but he tricked me.

You blew this case.

You bungled your evaluation, and you never retrieved my father's pencil.

Sir, I am happy to get you a new pencil.

It won't be the same.

And now you're just standing here, mum as a mouse.

Have you nothing to say for yourself?

- I can explain.

- Of course he can.

My boy's got bunches of explunches.

Hit 'em, Jake.

I'm not ready to be back.

- You should suspend me.

- What?

Look, when we arrested Richman and he said he didn't do it, I just...

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I mean, what if he was telling the truth?

What if he was innocent and I was putting an innocent man in jail?

It's just...

Feels a lot harder for me to put another human being in prison after experiencing it myself.

It's really horrible.

Look, I wanted to be back in the field, because I wanted to be the old me, but the truth is, I'm not the old me yet.

Maybe I never will be.

Anyways, I'm gonna go cry in the bathroom.

Peace out, homies.

Hey.

What's going on?

I thought everything worked out.

Is there a reason you're still upset?

What makes you think I'm upset?

The giant hole you carved into the table.

Oops.

Didn't notice.

There.

Fixed it.

Look, I get it.

You feel guilty about accusing him of cheating.

That's on me.

I encouraged you because of all my unresolved Chiaki issues.

_ No, it's not that, it's just...

Last night, when I ended things with Adrian, I had this huge feeling of relief.

It's the first time in a long time that I felt like myself again.

Oh, Rosa.

I think I got so worked up about him cheating on me because I wanted it to be true.

I needed an excuse to end things.

And now I don't know what to do.

I think you do know what to do.

Thanks, Amy.

I have no idea what she's gonna do but that's the safest way to give Rosa advice.

Yep.

Packing your desk.

That's a major downer.

Yeah, so why are you smiling like that?

We found Morris Richman.

Nuh-uh, Jake found him.

We talked about this, Boyle.

We agreed that if you couldn't keep it together, you couldn't be a part of this.

I'll be good.

We went through your case file, and everything we needed was there.

Richman's aliases, his known associates, and an address in Queens that he used as a safe house.

The 2-7 just picked him up.

Tell him the other stuff.

Tell him.

Tell him now.

Yeah.

I can't be here.

When you demanded to be put back on the field, I worried that you were being flippant about your time in prison.

I thought you would be reckless, but I was wrong.

Prison has made you more cautious.

Yeah, but what if I'm too cautious now?

I mean, I used to see everything as black and white, and now, it's looking real gray to me.

I wish every cop had a voice in their head asking, what if he's innocent?

You see it as weakness, but it means you're growing.

It makes you a better detective.

So, you passed your evaluation.

You can go back in the field.

Oh.

Wow.

Thank you for passing me.

But I actually feel like I need a little bit more time to readjust.

I think I should ride the desk for a few more weeks.

I respect that.

Okay, Charles, you can come hug us now.

We know you're still there.

- I never left.

- Ugh!

Thank you for understanding.

Yeah.

Oh.

Look.

Oh, boy.

- Here's your blood back.

- Mm.

Well, in that case, I guess you should have your blood back too.

What?

How did you get this?

You know, I might want a couple minutes up here alone.

Just to kinda process this, you know.

Of course.

So, how'd it go?

It actually went surprisingly well...

No!

Rosa!

Honestly, this is the best I could've asked for.