05x05 - Bad b*at

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Charles, can we talk in the briefing room for a sec?

- There's a question I gotta ask you.

- Mm-hmm.

It's happening.

Jake is gonna pop the question.

- He's gonna ask me to be his BM.

- No.

-No.

BM, best man, is a common abbreviation.

No one but you has ever used it.

I am so relieved.

I thought maybe he was gonna ask one of Amy's brothers or, ugh, Sarge.

Hey, man, come on.

Charles!

Okay, so I know this is a lot to ask...

No, it's not.

I want to do it.

You want to cover my shift this weekend so I can go to the White Plains Mall and Darryl Strawberry at the opening of a cellphone store?

Yes.

It's exactly what I was hoping you'd ask.

Great.

Thanks.

You sure it's okay?

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I'm very happy about it.

It'll be fun.

It'll be fun.

Uh, look at my smile.

Have to go now.

- Surprise!

- Surprise!

- Surprise!

- Surprise!

Oh, my God!

Jake!

What do you say, bud?

Will you be my BM?

Yes!

Yes, a million times, yes!

In your face, Terry!

What?

I'm holding a sparkler for you.

I helped organize a lot of this.

Well, you can stick that sparkler up your butt.

I'm the best man!

♪♪ Upbeat music...

♪♪ ♪♪ Captain, allow me to introduce you to major East Coast arms dealer Dan "Daniel" Valdano.

That's right, his nickname is longer than his actual name.

Why's that, Terry?

'Cause he's a d*ck.

We got a warrant to bug him, but his house is a fortress and he never goes anywhere in public.

Luckily, CI just gave us a break.

Valdano's gonna actually leave his house to go to a high stakes poker game this Friday.

If we can get a seat at that table, we can lose this watch to him.

And guess what.

It's...

- Bugged!

- Bugged!

Yes, it's bugged.

Good guess, Captain.

The plan is, we go to the club tonight, show off our poker skills, and get an invite to the high stakes game.

All we need is $15,000 to get in the door.

That's a lot of money.

How are your poker skills?

- A'ight.

A'ight.

- Good.

Hecka good.

- A'ight.

- So good.

Perhaps I should see for myself.

- Oh.

Do you play?

- I am...

A'ight.

Damn, Cap.

- Are you secretly cool?

- Well, poker is just math, so I guess it depends on if you consider the mathematician Carl Friedrich Gauss cool.

I do not.

All right, let's play some cards.

Sarge asked me to help you guys with some filing.

Holy crap, this is gonna take all day.

Yup, it's what we call an all-dayer.

How long did it take you two to come up with that?

- That was a two-dayer.

- Okay, well, hand me some files.

You're not gonna bother actually walking?

Why should we?

We can work from down here.

I'm sitting down as long as I can.

I'm not getting out of the chair till it's time to go home.

- Ugh.

- Oh, typical standing elite.

You couldn't sit all day if you tried.

What?

You don't think I could outlast you turds in a chair?

Honey, you don't have the ass for it.

Let's talk terms.

Both cheeks on the cushion at all times.

Obviously.

Bathroom breaks?

Two and a half minutes every three hours.

But you gotta roll the chair fully into the stall.

- Obviously.

- Okay.

Let's do this.

Welcome to the Buttlympics.

I call to order the meeting of investors in the forthcoming Charles Boyle owned-and-operated food truck venture.

I know I'm the only investor, but is it cook if I take minutes?

Yes.

Put this down: we got a truck.

What?

Really?

That's huge.

Take a look.

Is...

that the NYPD police auction site?

Yeah, that's how I found out about it.

And there's our baby.

Isn't she a...

m*rder truck?

That's the truck from the Tinga Time Taco murders!

Yes, two brothers were using a taco truck to move heroin and then were k*lled by the cartel that supplied them.

Not just k*lled, Boyle.

Dismembered.

Right in the truck.

Right in our truck.

That's why it was such bargain.

Everyone else was like, "Ooh, there's a knee in the fryer.

I don't want to sell food out of this." They found a knee in the fryer?

Exactly.

You get it.

Well, now I get to go pick it up.

Oh, almost forgot my hazmat suit.

And...

I win again.

Which is not surprising, given how you are both terrible.

You don't even know the terminology.

What are you talking about?

"Hit me." That is blackjack.

- Snake-eyes.

- Craps.

- Go Fish.

- And I believe that is - Go Fish.

- Fine.

Jake stinks, but I can play.

Yes, but you have a rather unfortunate tell: your right breast.

Oh, no.

My cards are terrible.

Sure they are.

Dammit, Eugene, you sold me out!

Captain, do I have a tell?

No, you don't understand the game well enough - to have a tell.

- Yeah, that makes sense.

What about you?

What's your tell?

It is subtle.

You will never discern it.

- Oh, really?

- Well, challenge accepted.

Tell me a lie.

You're both great at poker and I'm not gonna cancel the mission.

Nope, I couldn't see it.

Wait, what?

You're cancelling the mission?

You can't do that.

This is our only sh*t at catching Valdano.

It's a foolish plan.

Neither of you have any chance of making it to the VIP table.

But maybe you could.

What if you played?

No, I don't gamble anymore.

A few years back I had a minor addiction, specifically involving...

the ponies.

I'd like to bet $20,000 on...

Yabba Dabba Doo.

Sadly, Yabba Dabba Doo stumbled and had to be put down in front all of us.

- Oh.

That's fun.

- Wait.

What if I never went inside the casino?

I could be outside in a surveillance van, telling Peralta what to do.

Smart.

That way you never technically gamble.

- Right.

- I don't know.

Addiction is nothing to fool around with.

I had food issues.

I ate a crate of hams once.

Yeah, and look at you now.

You're like a super-jacked He-man guy, right?

It's settled; we'll go with the captain's plan.

Here's your persona: you're Billy "Big Time" Jankowski.

You wear sunglasses, headphones, and an unwashed hoodie.

You normally gamble online, from your mother's basement, where you live.

Seems unnecessary.

The hoodie hides your sunglass-camera's electronics.

I more meant the living in my mom's basement virgin vibe.

You added the virgin, but I like it.

It's part of your backstory now.

- But...

- You're a virgin.

That's an order.

But I don't want to be a virgin again.

Okay, I'm approaching the table.

Evening, gentlemen.

Let's play some cards.

And now, Peralta, say the following...

I'm coming in under the g*n, and I've 15k behind.

Okay.

Action's on you.

Mmm, tasty.

Raise it 500.

Raise it 5-hundo.

- Made up my own.

- What?

I'm just talking to myself.

I'm used to playing online, so it's not weird.

Well, well, well.

You flopped the absolute nuts, Peralta.

- Go all in.

- Are you sure?

On the first hand, Captain?

It's what the math dictates.

At this moment there are no two cards that can b*at Peralta.

- I'm all in.

- And now they all fold like so much recently dried linen.

- I'll call.

- What an idiot.

Two players.

- What?

- Full house wins.

- Yes!

- No, he won; not you.

You're out of chips.

Oh, well, that sucks.

Guess I'll just head back to my mom's basement.

I'm a virgin.

All clear.

No poopers.

Repeat: No poopers.

That was a disaster.

I thought Holt was supposed to be great at this.

- Any poopers?

- All clear.

What happened, Captain?

That imbecile in the trucker hat hit both his runners and sucked out on the river.

Yeah, he did.

What does that mean?

Not to worry.

The odds of that happening again are infinitesimal.

Not that it matters.

Since we're out of money.

Oh, but we're not.

- Where'd this come from?

- It's my money.

There are 25 ATMs in this place.

Even the fire exit has one.

You want us to use your own money?

You sure that's a good idea?

I haven't placed a bet or touched a card.

I'm fine.

Technically that is true.

Trust me; the math is in our favor.

All right, let's get back in there and suck out two runners down by the river.

- Did I say that right?

- Not even close.

Yeah, I didn't think so.

Still, let's get in there and suck 'em out.

No time like the present.

And no place to do it like the men's bathroom, to leave from here to go do what we're talking about.

Ugh.

Nine hours and 55 minutes.

Is it?

I feel like I just sat down.

I have no feeling down there whatsoever.

I haven't in years.

I'm doing great too.

This has been a piece of ca...

Oh, butt cramp.

Butt cramp!

That sounds painful.

I bet you could use some electrolytes.

- Give me that!

That's mine.

- Come get it.

You'll never catch me!

Oh, won't I?

Oh!

Cramp over.

And so is our shift.

Ha.

And you thought I couldn't...

Wai, what are you doing?

You thought we were done just because our shift was over?

- Amateur.

- Oh.

So you wanna take this thing into overtime?

Fine.

I got no place to be.

Neither do I.

I never do.

Then it's agreed.

The games continue.

And now you're going to...

- Fold.

- Fold.

- Fold.

- Fold.

- Fold.

- Fold.

Should we consider cutting our losses?

Hush, Sergeant.

Our cards are coming.

And there she is.

You won.

- I won.

- You won!

- Won again.

- That's our straight.

- And again, again.

- Hot damn!

Peralta, say "hot damn." - Hot damn!

- Now you say it.

- Hot damn!

- Full house.

Eights over threes.

Good.

Now say to the dealer...

Well, this has been fun.

But I'm sick of playing with...

wittle wittle babies.

Is there a table for people who wear big boy pants?

Actually, there's a private game on Friday I think you might like.

Much obliged.

- Hey, there, bud.

- Hey.

Can we talk about the m*rder truck we just purchased with our very hard-earned money?

Oh, Amy, wait till you see her.

I spent all night pressure-washing her, and she is spotless.

Yeah, it's just, what if word gets out that our food truck was the site of a double homicide?

What if word gets out?

It's in the "Our Story" section of the menu.

We're calling it m*rder Truck!

- We are?

- Yeah!

It was your idea.

No, it was my greatest fear.

I can't believe you're leaning into the m*rder thing.

Well, it'll get people talking.

Check out the menu.

It's printed on a crime scene photo.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Charles, we're gonna lose all of our money.

Are you worried?

Oh, okay, I see what's happening.

Starting a business is very scary.

But I promise you, once you see our truck, you'll feel a lot better.

Come on.

No, no, no, no, no!

My truck!

My beautiful truck!

Someone k*lled ripped her apart!

Charles, please tell me you got insurance.

- I did.

- Okay, thank God.

Coverage starts tomorrow.

Well, Valdano's gonna be there tonight, and the recording device in the watch is transmitting.

I feel like Bond.

Terry Bond.

Well, technically I'm the one wearing the watch, so that would make you Q at best.

- Terry Q.

- Yeah.

Way to roll with it.

Come on, let's tell Holt we're prepped for tonight.

I gotta say, I was wrong about him.

He had no problem walking away last night.

He left a lot of hams in that crate.

Juicy.

Spiral-cut, honey-sweet but salty...

- Sarge, come back to me.

- What?

You're the one that brought up ham.

- That was you.

- Yes, yes, come to papa.

Raise it a grand!

Call.

Raise.

A pair of candy canes.

I'm all in, baby.

What are you doing, sir?

Working the case.

Sharpening my poker skills for Valdano.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, and why are you watching this children's beauty pageant?

For fun, obviously.

No, Jayla, don't drop the baton.

No, I had so much riding on you!

Oh no.

He is deep in the ham crate.

- Are you sure about this?

- Yes.

Captain Holt's been in his office gambling for hours.

Our only choice is to cut off his internet.

No, I mean, are you sure you know how to do that?

Of course.

I just have to pull this...

Oh!

Gah.

Wrong wire.

Yep, we'll...

We'll fix that later.

And...

- What the hell?

- Got it.

Having trouble with your internet, sir?

He's not here.

Where'd he go?

Roof.

What are you doing?

Trying to pick up a Wi-Fi signal from across the street.

I 've got $8,000 riding on little Jayla.

Don't you think you have a bit of a problem here, sir?

I'm in complete control.

Now, Terry, come over here and dangle me off the edge of this building.

Sir, I am not going to dangle you off the side of this building.

You're fired.

Peralta, let me climb onto your shoulders.

- I can't...

- You're fired.

No one works here anymore.

Look, we need to have a real talk about your gambling.

Relapsing is nothing to be ashamed of.

A couple years ago on my birthday I treated myself to one piece of pizza.

I woke up the next morning in a Sbarro on the Jersey Turnpike.

It wasn't even open!

That's not what's happening here.

I'm not weak like you.

I can stop whenever I want.

- Then stop.

- I don't want.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go to the acai bowl internet café.

Got a lot of money riding on the NLCS, whatever the hell that is.

We can't let you do that.

And how exactly will you stop me?

We'll call your husband.

No.

No, I can't put Kevin through this, not again.

You're right.

I've lost control, and I'm taking myself off this case.

And I'm not going anywhere near gambling again.

- You promise?

- From the bottom of my heart.

It's a dead issue.

I'm proud of you, sir.

So am I, Captain.

So I'm sorry.

Terry, you went to Jersey for pizza?

I had a problem, man!

Right, sorry.

Ugh, how long have we been sitting?

My butt's lost track of time.

- Coming up on 32 hours.

- Oh!

I miss the little things.

Showers.

Feeling my feet.

Standing.

I miss my home chair.

You miss a chair?

I just want walk up to the hot dog stand out front and get a fresh wiener.

Oh, man.

Why did you say that?

Now I want one.

- So you should go get one.

- Oh, and let you win?

You're just trying to get us to stand up.

No.

We should all go get one...

- In our chairs.

- She's right.

The only thing holding us back is society.

♪♪ Upbeat music...

♪♪ ♪♪ - Mmm.

- So good.

- I got it.

- No.

My ass.

It left the chair.

I'm sorry, man.

No.

It was my time.

It's our time too.

We've been through hell together.

Now we stand together.

♪♪ Triumphant music...

Nope.

Legs are dead.

Going down.

Charles, what are you doing?

I know having our truck smashed to bits was a bit of a setback, but don't worry; I have an idea.

The truck was deconstructed so we do...

Not have a business anymore?

No.

We do deconstructed food.

For instance, a deconstructed meatball sub: a meatball, rolled in breadcrumbs with a caramelized tomato sauce drizzle.

- Taste it.

- Charles, I appreciate that you're trying to fix this situation, but you don't have to.

I have great news.

I know who robbed us.

The cartel who did the taco truck murders ripped apart the truck, because there was heroin still inside it.

We found opioid traces behind the fridge.

I had forensics scour the truck for DNA and we got a match: a cartel enforcer.

Do you know what this means?

- The truck becomes a crime scene again.

- Yes!

It's been impounded.

We get our money back!

Great.

I'm glad you get your money back.

You can invest it in something you actually believe in instead of...

My balls.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have 50 pounds of meat I have to return before it goes rotten.

Like my dreams.

There's Valdano.

The watch is transmitting.

All you have to do is lose it to him.

Worst of luck to you.

Don't worry, Terry.

I'm about to crap the bed.

Evening, gentlemen.

Ready for some poker?

That's why we're here.

Good one, stranger.

I'll take 150.

Hot damn!

Four queens.

I call this hand the Golden Girls.

Damn it.

Oh, you would look at that.

My mom's calling me.

She's flipping her lid because she found all my nudie mags in the basement.

Anyways, BRB.

What happened to not wanting to gamble anymore for Kevin?

Sir, you are spiraling.

You lied straight to our faces.

Well, that's on you.

If you could spot my tell, you would've known.

Fine.

What's your tell?

Let's just say, I'm doing it right now.

I'm doing it at this very moment.

- Is it standing up?

- I've just done it again.

Whoops, there's another time.

I don't understand.

Even if you wanted to gamble, why come here, where we'd be?

I lost some money on lame little Jayla, and I realized that's because I've been gambling instead of being down here doing what I'm good at...

math.

Now go get Valdano before you blow your covers.

I'm off duty; what I do on my own time is my own business.

Unlike you two who are still on the clock and are now being bad cops.

Wow, listen to you talking all smooth.

But you can't fool us, sir.

You might as well face it.

You're addicted to math.

Robert Palmer.

Come on, Sarge.

Let's go.

So you're a cop.

There was a pooper.

Sorry about that.

Crisis averted: I told her I read the magazines for the articles.

She totally bought it.

Wait a sec, where are you going?

Got called away on business.

Come back next Friday; I'll take your money from you then.

Well, we'll just see about that, Mr.

Cool Voice.

His voice is really cool.

So I understand you're a cop who's trying to bring me down.

Why don't we take a little drive?

Why did you stay at the table so long after Valdano was already gone?

It would've been suspicious if I left right after he did, so I played a couple hands.

Come on, let's grab Holt and get out of here.

Wait.

Where's Holt?

So what was your plan, cop?

Does it matter?

We failed and now you know we're onto you.

You get to come out ahead tonight, provided you don't do anything dumb right now.

My colleagues are calling, probably wondering where I am.

Then put their minds at ease.

- Yes?

- Captain.

We're leaving.

Where are you?

I've already left.

I don't enjoy being judged, So I'm on my way to Atlantic City for the weekend.

I'll be gambling.

No, sir, please just come back, okay?

Terry and I will keep you company.

We'll go to a museum.

One of the boring ones with no dinosaurs.

Forget it.

I shouldn't've answered.

Bye-bye "Toxic." Bye-bye "Party in the USA." Hey, Charles.

What are you doing?

I'm deleting all the upbeat music off my computer.

I know you're down, but...

Bye-bye "Swish Swish Bish." Look, I feel really bad about the way I treated you.

Well, you shouldn't.

You're the only one who saw that my dream was stupid and then you got me all my money back.

Well, after you left, I tried one of your meatballs and then another.

And another.

I couldn't stop because they were so damn good.

Really?

You liked them?

I loved them.

I should have tried them earlier.

I lost track of the fact that this whole thing was supposed to be about your food.

I think we should buy another food truck.

- You do?

- Yes.

But I have some conditions: One, it cannot be a crime scene; Two, you have to get insurance on day one; Three, you have to keep dreaming up amazing things to cook.

You're so good, Boyle.

Deal!

We're gonna buy a food truck!

- We're gonna get a food truck!

- Yes!

Stop!

I ate too many meatballs.

Oh.

- Where we going?

- Atlantic City.

That's where you told your friends you'd be, so that's where they'll find your body.

I'm a captain in the NYPD.

Yeah, and you're also a known gambling addict.

You lost all your money in A.C.

and then drowned yourself in the ocean.

Stay down!

NYPD!

Keep your hands on the wheel.

Hey there, Captain Holt.

We just saved your big ol' butt.

Hello, Dan "Daniel" Valdano.

Guess what.

You're a d*ck!

Yeah.

How did you find me?

We traced your phone and tracked down the limo.

Wait.

How did you even know I was in trouble?

I figured out your tell.

When you're lying, you use contractions.

Lots of 'em.

I've lost control.

I'm taking myself off the case.

I've just done it again.

Whoops.

There's another time.

I shouldn't've have answered.

Shouldn't've answered.

Shouldn't've...

It was the "shouldn't've" that finally tipped me off.

I've never heard you use a double contraction before.

And you never will again.

I was at rock bottom.

I feel so embarrassed.

I understand.

I've been there.

I once ate a box of uncooked rice in a movie theater.

Wow, really?

- Jake.

- I'm sorry.

I owe you two a tremendous debt of gratitude.

I was overwhelmed by my addiction and you were there for me.

Of course, sir.

We'd do anything for you.

Perhaps you two would take me to a meeting of Gambler's Anonymous.

- Absolutely.

- And, Jake, before we go, - I need to admit one more thing.

- Of course, anything.

When I made you tell that table that you were living in your mother's basement, it wasn't for the case.

I was just messing with you.

Oh, well played, sir.

But the joke's on you.

My mother has a fantastic basement.

Title of your sex tape.

Too soon?

All right, let's go.

Hey, standing desk.

Look who's taking care of herself.

Someone's not sitting down on the job.

Hey.

Sitting down on the job is damned hard work, and those heroes prove it every day.

Mad respect.

Okay.

Sorry.

Seriously, you guys should stand up once in a while.

You know, for your hearts.