05x07 - Two Turkeys

[bunniefuu]

Gobble!

Gobble!

Tommy Gobbler's back and he wants to hear what you turkeys are thankful for.

- Charles, you gotta stop.

- Nah.

I don't gobble understand people.

- But, Charles...

- Gobble.

- Dude.

- Gobble.

Gobble, gobble, your tail feather is caught in the gobble door.

Thank you.

Gobble...

wait, what?

[screeches] - Ow.

- [groans] I think your feathers are ripping.

- [fabric ripping] - Gobble.

Gobble.

[upbeat music] ♪ ♪ All right, you know the drill.

We've been living and breathing this operation for years.

It goes down today and we only get one sh*t.

Thanksgiving 2017, the meeting of the parents.

Our objective is clear.

Our parents will laugh, they will bond, and then when the time is right, our fathers will share a hug good-bye and it will be weird, but in the good way.

Oh, my God.

What is that photo?

I did an image search for dad's hugging.

I didn't have a lot of time to put this board together.

Now then, let's review our targets, shall we?

First we have the Santiagos: Camila and Victor.

They are traditional, reserved, and like their daughter, controlling.

I wouldn't say I'm controlling.

I would say I'm Type A.

You should write Type A there instead of controlling.

Vivid example of what we're up against.

Now then, on the other side, we have the Peraltas: Karen and Roger.

They are perfectly normal, no known flaws.

All right, fine.

My dad's a selfish drunken slut - and my mom's a flighty weirdo.

- This is gonna be a disaster.

I knew you'd say that, which is why we have this.

A list of things they have in common.

We can use it to grease the conversation.

Ooh, convo grease.

This is perfect.

Okay, our dads both golf.

Our mom's both paint.

All four of them have hair.

Yeah, but that's bottom of the barrel stuff.

We're not gonna have to use that.

Oh, you did a lot of work on this.

- I'm really impressed.

- Oh, well, you know, it's really important to me.

I feel like it's a chance for me to finally have the big family Thanksgiving - I never got as a kid.

- Oh, babe.

It's gonna be amazing.

[squeaking] Are you erasing the word controlling behind my back - while we kiss?

- Mm-hmm.

We can keep it in my office until it's time to leave.

What do you have in the pastry box, sir?

Brownies?

No, you hold brownies from the side.

He's holding it from the bottom.

True.

Maybe it s a cheesecake.

But there's no condensation on the box.

- It's room temperature.

- Look at the finger spread, tensing in the shoulders.

He's supporting something dense.

- [together] It's a pie.

- It is a pie.

- Damn, that was impressive.

- But this is not just any pie.

It's an English walnut pie from the Cottage Inn - in Saratoga Springs.

- Raymond and I drive all the way upstate for it every year.

It's the finest sweet treat on earth.

Even better than a plain scone.

Wow, that good, huh?

We're bringing it to Kevin's parents' house tonight.

Can't wait.

What do you all have planned for Turkey day?

Well, I've got a great Thanksgiving planned.

Nikolaj has taken to food just like his papa, so I'm making an exotic spread.

If it can fly or swim, we're eating its eggs.

Well, at the Jefford's house, it's not just Thanksgiving, it's also Ava's birthday, so we do it up huge.

I got her a Perry the Parrot.

That's a hot toy.

Terry tried ten toy stores.

I guess I'm only one doing this holiday right.

Hitting the open road with my bike.

No family, no friends, no dinner.

- That sounds really dark.

- Thank you.

Well, everyone's plans seem lovely.

Oh, Hitchcock and I didn't say ours.

How unfortunate.

Okay, the house is all clean.

The wine is in the fridge.

What is this pitcher of gray water?

I read an article that said when you wash vegetables, all the nutrients leech into the water and then you can drink it.

They call it a super water.

Oh.

Well, that's neat.

I am gonna just hide it right over here.

Dad, you almost ready?

The Santiago's are very punctual?

I'm already out of the shower.

- Chill, bro.

- Don't call me bro.

- I'm your son.

- Okay, dude.

- Dude is not an improvement.

- [doorbell rings] - Oh, boy, they're here.

- Oh, now, honey, I know you're nervous, but it's gonna be fine.

We can handle ourselves.

Hola.

Feliz Thanksgiving.

Jake told me you were Cuban.

Yes, I did, and I regret it.

Come on in.

So nice to finally meet you.

I'm Victor.

- And I'm Camila.

- Oh.

- And you brought a turkey?

- Sure did.

Even though I told her that you were making the turkey, and all she needed to bring was stuffing.

The stuffing's inside it and now we have two turkeys, - just in case.

- In case of what?

I don't know.

[laughs awkwardly] Anyway, it was in the car when she picked me up.

- Isn't that fun?

- The most fun.

Why don't we just get comfortable.

- My dad is just...

- Hey, Kare-bear, - which pants do you think...

- Dad!

- Honey.

- The Santiagos are here.

Feliz Thanksgiving.

How was the trip in?

The flight must have been awful.

- Hey, Dad?

- This holiday is the worst.

Could we just press pause on that and maybe get some pants?

Fine.

I'll put on some pants.

Thanks.

Squad, bullpen, now.

- Is everything okay, sir?

- No, it is not.

I went to a meeting and when I returned, my pie was gone.

Which one of you took it?

Calm down, there's no need to point fingers.

At us.

It was clearly Hitchcock and Scully.

How dare you.

You have no proof.

There's crumbs all over your desks.

Well, these aren't pie crumbs.

Bread, cookie, pizza, sandwich, blintz, and one good old fashioned potato chip.

No pie here.

I just humiliated you.

Look, this doesn't have to be a big deal.

Whoever took that pie, come forward and all will be forgiven.

Smart.

You knew I would never forgive you.

But you're dumb if you think I won't get to the bottom of this.

Everyone here is a suspect.

Okay, not off to a great start.

My mom brought a passive-aggressive turkey and we all saw your dad's penis through his undies.

What?

You did?

Why were you looking?

No, I wasn't.

It all happened so fast.

Hey, everyone, I'm sorry for not being "dressed." I didn't think you guys were gonna be so early.

We arrived at the agreed upon time.

Right.

So, like, super early.

Convo grease.

Convo grease them right now.

Yes.

Mrs.

Peralta, I love this new ceramic that you painted.

You know, my mom paints as well.

- Really?

- Yes.

- I paint on canvases though.

- Oh.

- And that's different?

- Very.

- Completely.

- I just always found canvas to be too restricting.

For me with bowls and vases and furniture, the world is my canvas.

Yes, and for me, with canvas, the canvas is my canvas.

- She said "canvas" so much.

- Who wants to hear a joke?

Do you mean like a riddle?

'Cause I love riddles.

No, I mean like a joke joke, where I say it and you laugh.

No, then I'm not interested.

Oh.

Well...

golf.

Yes, golf.

Anyone hit the links lately?

- I don't play golf.

- What are you talking about?

You played it all the time when I was a kid.

- Never played golf in my life.

- Jake, your remembering when he used to pretend to golf so that he could spend his Sunday's cheating on me.

- Ah.

- Oh, yeah.

- Oops.

- But it's okay now.

We're happy, we're back together...

- We're cool.

- And, you know, all relationships have rough patches.

- Right, Camila?

- No.

- Jake.

- Hair.

We all have hair.

Mm.

Okay, this is bad.

None of the convo grease worked.

We need a new plan.

There's gotta be some way - to make them get along.

- Maybe we could play a game.

No.

No games.

My dad gets super competitive.

He used to flip out on me when I b*at him at Adult Clue.

It was the only board game he had at his condo.

All the m*rder weapons were sex toys.

Oh, okay.

You know what?

Actually, my dad is super competitive too.

It's bad.

He got kicked off a bird watching tour once.

- Look a kingfisher.

- No, no, no, no, no.

That's the same bird I saw earlier.

That doesn't count.

Yikes.

All right, so it's agreed.

We steer clear of all competition.

Why can't there be some magic potion that makes everyone happy and have fun all the time??

Who wants some alcohol?

- [camera clicks] - Thank you very much, David.

That'll be all.

There are no prints on the box, no DNA evidence, and the security camera in my office was obscured, which means whoever took my pie thought it through.

And that means...

It wasn't Hitchcock and Scully.

Exactly.

Now, as for you three, I think it's time we had a little chat.

How long you been planning this?

A day?

A week?

A year?

Or is this the only reason you joined the force to begin with?

So you think I became a cop just so I can steal your pie?

Your words not mine.

No, don't tell me why you did it.

- Tell him.

- You want me to talk to this picture of your husband?

Look him in the eye and tell him what you did.

- I didn't do it, Kevin.

- Don't you say his name.

No, Terry, I'm not mad at you.

I know you didn't mean to do it.

You just got hungry, and that's the most natural thing in the world.

- I didn't take your pie.

- You're lying!

If you're so innocent, where were you - when the pie went missing?

- I was at the grocery store buying goose feet for Nikolaj's dinner.

I was getting the oil changed in my bike.

Preparing for my solo Thanksgiving ride.

I was at the gym.

Ava's birthday/Thanksgiving dinner's a high-caloric affair.

Terry needs to earn that feast.

Everybody has an alibi.

How convenient.

So I hope you're comfortable because I will keep you in here - all day if necessary!

- [knocks on door] We need the room to question someone - about the Red Hook homicide.

- Oh, no problem.

- We'll be right out.

- Okay, we are one glass in.

My mom's telling a story about my birth and your parents are not recoiling.

Good.

Let's keep it going.

I think we need to top 'em off.

A-top them off.

Every night I'm told what to do and every morning I do what I'm told, but yet I cannot escape your scold.

What am I?

An alarm clock.

Oh, I get it.

So a riddle is just like a fact that's told in a really confusing way.

- Exactly.

- Hey, I used to fly - with Sully Sullenberger.

- What he did was amazing.

Between us, I could have landed that plane on the ground at the destination without k*lling any of those birds.

[laughter] - [scatting] - Is my dad playing piano?

And is my dad scatting?

[scatting continues] - This is amazing.

- Oh, my.

Who wants more wine?

No, no, no, no, no more for me.

In fact, I think everyone here has had enough.

- We have?

- Yes.

- [paper crinkling] - Now we're drinking this.

Rum from Cuba.

- [cheers and applause] - Rum from Cuba!

I saw what you did this morning when you deduced the contents of my bakery box.

Impressive.

Now I need to use your skills to find my pie.

It's about time you came to us.

Here's what we need from you.

A list of the pie's ingredients.

We're looking for anything that might linger - on someone's breath.

- We need surveillance footage from the water fountain, the crumb consistency was dry.

Whoever ate it's gonna be thirsty.

Now what kind of crimped edge are we dealing with here?

- U-shaped or V?

- I don't know.

Well, then get on the damned phone and find out.

[laughter] Babe, our parents are vibing hard.

Drinking just makes people get along better.

Do you think if I got my parents drunk every day when I was a kid they would have stayed together and we would have had a happy family?

- Probably.

Yeah.

- Right.

Yeah.

- [chimes glass] - I'd like to say a few words.

Camila and I thrilled to welcome you into our family, so allow me to be the first to bless this union with a toast.

- To Jake and Amy.

- ALL: To Jake and Amy.

Aww, thanks, Dad.

That was really sweet.

- I have a toast too.

- Oh.

Karen and I would like to welcome you into our family.

And allow me to be the first to say that we love you.

To Jake and Amy.

Congratulations.

ALL: To Jake and Amy.

- Thanks, Dad.

- I'd like to go again.

Uh-oh, they're getting competitive.

It goes without saying, I love you both.

- But you didn't say it.

- I'd just like to add, if there's anything you ever need, the Santiago's are here for you.

- To Jake and Amy.

- Round two.

Oh, that seems like plenty, Dad.

No, if Victor gets two toasts, - then I do too.

- [sighs] I would like to go one step further and say that if there is anything that you need or want the Peralta's are there for you.

That doesn't sound like a better offer than mine.

Yeah, it is.

[stammers] It's a lot better than yours.

Jake...

I'll give you my grandfather's watch.

You are now a Santiago.

I would like to pay for the wedding.

Amy, you are now my daughter.

- ALL: What?

- I win.

To Jake and Amy.

Oh, no.

There are downsides to alcohol.

Well, that was a lovely series of toasts, Now who can I interest in 12 cups of coffee?

No, I'd like to know what Roger meant when he said he would pay for the wedding.

How much are you willing to give them?

- Whatever they need.

- You know it's tradition - for the bride's family to pay.

- It's also tradition for the host to make the turkey.

- Okay, guys...

- Bottom line is, we appreciate the offer, but we're paying.

No, you gave him the watch.

That was your gift.

Maybe we should just split the wedding.

It's a great idea, Mom.

Given your financial situation.

- No.

- What's that supposed to mean?

Our financial "situation"?

You know, I think we probably all had just about enough of this delicious rum.

I'm gonna dump it out into this plant.

- [gasps] - That's a $600 bottle.

$527.

I looked it up online.

If you paid $600, you're making some bad choices, my friend.

All right, it's dinner time.

Everybody go wash your hands.

I'd never said that before.

Amy, you come with me.

[exhales sharply] This is a nightmare.

This is worse than my sixth birthday party when I caught my dad making out with a female clown in the bounce house.

Oh, my dad is the worst.

I know.

He's ruining the whole day.

[sighs] Yeah, but, you know, don't just blame my dad.

You literally just said he's the worst.

I know.

It's okay when I say it.

You have to pretend like he's cool.

Those are the rules.

Plus, you gotta admit, your parents were being a little condescending.

Why?

Because they asked what was in the dip - that seemed to be just mayo?

- All dip is just mayo.

Yes, but no, what I was referring to was the fact that your mom brought her own hand towels.

As if my mom wouldn't have washed hers knowing - they had guests coming over?

- Did she?

No, you don't have to.

They're only touched by freshly cleaned hands.

- They never get dirty.

- Wow.

The unhygienic apple doesn't fall far from the unhygienic tree.

Did you just call my mom a tree?

I called her an unhygienic tree.

Wow.

Wow.

All right, you know what?

Let's just go back in there and enjoy our joyous Thanksgiving and hopefully no one's parents will ruin it.

Fine.

Well, I know that my parents aren't gonna ruin any joyousness.

In fact, they're gonna be joyous as hell.

Not nearly as joyous as my parents.

Thank you, all, for joining me.

I checked into your alibis.

Or should I say...

alib-lies!

Diaz, if you were changing the oil in your bike for your big ride up the coast, then tell me, why is your t*nk only half full?

- You dipsticked my bike?

- That's not all I dipsticked.

Mr.

Fit, or should I call you by your real name?

Mr.

Fib.

I find it quite odd that you were building up an appetite at the gym when your gym is closed on Thanksgiving.

And, Boyle, out buying goose feet - for Nickolaj?

- Nikolaj.

I found your grocery store receipt.

No feet of any kind.

But there was one purchase, a beverage that pairs perfectly with pie.

One gallon of milk!

This heist took three people.

Lady Dipstick, Mr.

Fib, and the Milk Man.

The jig is up.

Confess.

- Okay, I lied.

- Thank you.

Not about the pie.

About my Thanksgiving.

I'm not spending it alone.

I'm spending it with my family.

We're seeing the new "Minions" musical on Broadway.

And I wasn't putting oil in my bike.

I was picking up these matching T-shirts for my whole family.

- [gasps] - I missed my family a lot when I was in prison and we've gotten really close again.

I was embarrassed about how pumped I am to see them.

The T-shirts were my idea.

Okay.

It was a two-man job.

No, I didn't steal your pie either.

I lied about the gym because I was still trying to find a Perry the Parrot for Ava.

I forgot it was her birthday coming up and by the time I realized, the dumb toy was all sold out.

I just didn't want you guys to know what a horrible dad I really am.

Well, now we do.

Boyle?

[crying] Nikolaj is a picky eater!

I lied about his pallet.

All he drinks is milk.

All he eats is buttered noodles.

- And perhaps my walnut pie?

- I wish.

He hates nuts.

My son is a basic bitch.

So none of you took my pie.

Captain, you're gonna wanna see this.

Their desks were clean, so we expanded the search radius.

Take a look.

My pie, and it wasn't even eaten.

Just thrown away like common street trash.

Makes me sick.

Spend your life on the force, and it never gets easier.

Wow, Mom, what a delightful dinner.

I mean, these have gotta be the most joyous green beans - I've ever seen.

- Oh, thanks, honey.

- They're pre-made from a can.

- Great.

Shall we carve the turkey?

Get this dinner started?

I'm an excellent carver.

Allow me.

I think I can carve the turkey.

After all, it is my house and sitting right here in front of me.

We have two turkeys.

- You can both carve one.

- Yes, thank goodness for the second turkey, a very normal thing to have brought.

This is actually very good because now everybody could see - who cuts the turkey better.

- You're on.

- Wow.

Really mature.

- You're just saying that because you know my dad's gonna win.

- As if.

- Hey, Roger, You like jokes.

Here's one.

I'd hate to be a passenger on one of your flights if you fly as slow as you cut a turkey.

Riddle me this, Victor.

Who sucks at carving turkey, thinks their rum is good when it's bad?

You.

Up top, Jake.

- Joyous.

- Uh, Camila, did you put your stuffing in my ceramic?

- I thought it was a bowl.

- It's art.

- [speaking Spanish] - What does that mean?

- What did she say?

- She said it was a bowl.

Bet you didn't know I understood Spanish.

Very impressive.

You learn that from one of your mistresses?

Yeah.

As a matter of fact, I did.

Sounds like someone's jealous.

- I bet you never even had sex.

- Oh, I've had sex.

And I'm actually pretty good.

Camila?

- The best.

- What is happening right now?

Roger's really good at sex too.

- Ha, ha, I'm so grossed out.

- You know what?

I'm sick of you looking down your nose at us.

I know the Peralta's aren't perfect, but we don't look down on other people.

I mean, you come into our home and you act like we're idiots.

Well, we're not idiots.

In fact...

- I just cut my thumb off.

- What?

I just cut my thumb off.

[all scream] - Oh, my God!

- [shouting weakly] I think it's...

It's bad.

Excuse me, my father cut his thumb off.

- We need help right now.

- Do you have the thumb?

Yeah, I got it right here.

It's in a plastic baggy.

It's not just sitting on the ice cream.

Okay, just fill out these forms.

Someone will be with you in a bit.

I think this might be it for me, little man.

There's something you gotta know, Jake.

- You have three half-sisters.

- What?

One in Atlanta, one in Newark, one in Dallas Fort Worth.

All the hubs.

Okay, we have to get him help right now.

He can't die.

I've gotta hear more about this.

It's a holiday, we're understaffed, we'll get to your father eventually.

He needs help now!

You know who this man is?

Captain Roger Peralta.

He taught Sully Sullenberger how to fly.

It's just that we're understaffed.

No excuses.

You're going to take this man to the OR right now or I'm gonna sue you - and everybody in this hospital.

- [groans] Uh, go with him.

- I love you, buddy.

- Oh.

- Thanks, that's nice.

- I love you, nurse.

I love you lady in the scarf.

Significantly less meaningful.

- I love you candy machine.

- Victor, that was amazing.

- Thank you so much for coming.

- Of course.

Your mom and Camila are on the way.

They're still cleaning up all the blood.

Yeah, there was so much.

They might have to move.

Babe, I'm really sorry about all the things I said.

- You know, I didn't mean it.

- Yeah, me neither.

And, look, this is all my fault.

I just wanted a big family Thanksgiving, and I forced it, so it's on me.

But, look, I love you, and...

Is that still your dad's thumb?

Oh, my God, yes.

He needs this.

Nurse?

Hello, Raymond.

Ready to go to dinner?

Yes, but I have some unfortunate news about our pie.

- It was thrown away.

- No.

- Are you serious?

- Mm-hmm.

- And I know who did it.

- Who?

You all bragged about your Thanksgiving plans.

Why?

You were overcompensating.

Trying to cover up your dark secrets, but there was one other person who was also overcompensating.

[snaps] You.

Kevin.

Even better than a plain scone.

[slo-mo] Plain scone.

Plain scone.

I should have known you were lying.

There's nothing better than a plain scone.

- This is ridiculous.

- Is it?

Look how the pie was disposed of.

Placed gently with two hands inside the bin.

That's exactly how you always throw away garbage.

- It is?

- There's only one thing I still can't figure out.

- Why'd you do it?

- Because it's disgusting.

- Oh, my.

- That pie is an abomination.

It has beef suet and apple seeds in it.

Why?

It's a walnut pie.

If we brought that to my family's house, hey would have said something.

- I was trying to protect you.

- Why didn't you just tell me the truth?

[sighs] Because I love our annual trips to Saratoga Springs.

The two of us driving in silence, looking at the barren trees.

It's perfect.

I...

I didn't wanna lose that.

- I'm sorry.

- I don't know why we can't still make the drive next year.

We just don't have to buy the pie.

A trip with no purpose?

[chuckles] Raymond...

- Hey, Dad, how's it going?

- I'm fine.

They reattached my thumb.

Oh, that's great.

So you'll be able to fly again?

Yeah, that was never in doubt.

You don't need thumbs to fly anymore.

You just hit one button.

The plane takes care of the rest.

I have to believe that's not true.

Oh, looks like Mom's already tuckered out.

Yeah, you know how tired she gets when she drinks.

- She won't be up for 12 hours.

- Hey, Jake, you know how you said you always wanted to have a big family Thanksgiving?

I had five brothers, three sisters, four aunts, and 12 cousins who spent every holiday together.

I had the kind of family that you dream of.

[chuckles] Oh, are you done?

That seemed like a really mean place to stop, but you're taking a long pause.

- When we all were together...

- Ah.

Huge mess.

I can't tell you how many holidays I spent in an ER.

- [chuckles] - But that's what it means to have a big family.

Like this one.

Oh.

Well, thank you, Victor.

And apparently my family's a lot bigger than I thought.

How many half sisters did you say I have, Dad?

I only told you about the sisters?

- Come on.

- Roger, I want to apologize to you for being so defensive about you wanting to pay for the wedding.

I'm sorry too.

It was stupid.

I was just feeling insecure because...

'Cause I gave Jake the watch?

I was gonna say because you saw my penis through my underpants, but the watch, yeah, sure.

I was thinking, if you wanna pay for the wedding, it would be fine, but we can split it.

It's up to you.

That seems fair.

You're a good dude.

Come here, give me a hug.

Give me a...

hug me.

Hug me.

- Bring it in.

- Oh, Jake, it's happening.

The weird but good dad hug.

Oh, it's magical.

- Best Thanksgiving ever.

- [sighs] Yep, Dad, your gown's riding up.

- Oh.

- It's out.

- Ooh, I...

- It's out.