01x11 - Stuck with a Winner

[bunniefuu]

Go, bread, go. Toast it like you mean it.

Uh-oh. Please tell me she's not coaching the food.

Come on, put your back into it, sourdough.

Push through to golden brown.

Oh, yeah, she's all up in that loaf's face.

It's that time of the year again.

Georgie has four seasons: basketball season, soccer season, softball season, and the one we dread the most.

In-between seasons season.

I should've known.

This morning, she challenged me to a floss-off.

The only winner there is her dentist.

We're out of bread. Can you toast crackers?

Get ready, crackers. You're goin' in.

Georgie without a sport is like me without my invention bag.

A monster. I was going to say lost.

Right. Lost.

Did I not say lost?

There must be some sport recruiting now.

What about archery?

A sharp spear flying through the air.

Georgie.

High dive?

High and dive.

Both of those words say body cast.

Golf tryouts are coming up. What about that?

That could work.

I mean, mini golf is the only sport where she hasn't hurt herself or someone else.

Heads up, Humpty.

Wait. Does Humpty Dumpty count as a person?

All the putt-putt staff and all the Diaz men couldn't put Humpty together again.

I'm pushing you out of your comfort zone, salty, but that's when greatness happens.

I know you're pretty busy coaching crackers, but what do you think about trying out for the golf team?

Can't. I'm committed to this.

Winners never quit and quitters never win.

Not sure that applies to something that's just supposed to transport cheese to your mouth.

Come on, guys, let's see some hustle.

Well, that was a sesame-covered slap in the face.

I might be losing it.

How about we channel that craziness into golf?

You'd be great.

Yeah. In golf, the lowest score wins.

Basketball, soccer, tennis.

Who's always the lowest scorer? You.

I was voted "least likely to score" three years in a row.

Movin' on to golf.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin, let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

Whoa, what's this?

I put together a little putting green to help Georgie practice for her golf tryouts.

So how's it going?

Let's just say Humpty got off easy.

But don't worry. I'm an inventor.

We create things to solve problems.

The wheel, the light bulb, and this.

Pretty sure the golf ball's already been invented.

Just putt and prepare to be wowed.

Who's wowed now?

You.

Whoa.

Meet my newest invention.

The remote control golf ball.

The little round solution to Georgie's giant lack of skill.

I call it the rock and roller.

You mean cheat and liar.

Georgie won't go for that.

She won't even know.

Look, as long as she can drive the ball 150 yards and sink a putt, she makes the team.

And Team Harley is going to help her do that.

Well, it's not like she'd be taking anyone's spot.

Exactly. Before tryouts, I'll replace all the balls in her bag with rock and rollers.

And when she makes the squad, she'll do what she always does... practice, then happily ride the bench for the rest of the season.

Wait, is there a bench in golf?

No, but she'll be playing so little, she'll have plenty of time to build one.

Dinner's almost ready. Clear the table right now.

My fault. That is exactly what I said.

What's for dinner?

Shepherd's pie.

Again?

Shepherd's why?

I thought you guys liked my shepherd's pie.

When you first started making it.

Now we eat it twice a week.

It's played out, Mom.

You guys complain no matter what I put in front of you.

I'm already stretched thin with Dad out of town.

Don't think of it as shepherd's pie.

Think of it as Monday's tacos with Tuesday's mashed potatoes over them.

And today's nightmare. Oh, come on, Mom.

On those cooking shows, they cook a delicious meal and dis at the same time.

Maybe try using a cookbook.

This delightful woman looks like she knows how to make a variety of things.

Look how happy she is.

Because she's not raising seven picky kids who complain about her coq au vin with pea sh**t.

Oh, that does sound delicious.

Then sh**t the pea and make it already.

You know what? If it's that easy, you guys can cook dinner tomorrow night.

It's on.

Be prepared to eat your words, which will still be better than a shepherd's pie.

Great. Go for it.

The first aid kit's in the drawer, and the fire extinguisher is...

Eh, never mind. I need a new kitchen anyway.

You can do this, Georgie.

Visualize your success.

Swing club.

Connect with ball.

Apologize to person hit with ball.

Nope. Re-visualize.

What is she doing?

Is there a button on there to make her stop talking to herself?

She was talking to toast yesterday, Ethan.

I'm not God.

Let's do chocolate lava cake with ice cream and sprinkles.

Who has ideas for dessert?

I'm handling the menu.

I got it from the cookbook of my favorite reality TV show, The Shouty Housewives of New England.

This recipe serves four to six, but can be thrown on eight to 12.

Me and Deathnee want to cut stuff.

I'm good at it. I did her hairdo.

Wrong.

I'm not letting you or that devil doll near anything sharp.

I'll call you when it's time to set the table.

You did not... just take off our chef hats.

Beast, Lewie, we have the numbers.

Let's get her.

Sorry, Daphne, but she's right.

You're just too immature.

Beast? I concur.

You all just made our list.

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Go ♪

♪ We're not just a blank generation ♪ Whoa, dial it back, Harls.

She just has to stay out of the woods, not become Tiger Woods.

I was dialing it back.

We're lucky this ball is still in our zip code.

♪ Think you got us figured out ♪ Wait. For me?

♪ You gotta leave the past behind ♪

♪ Game on, we got no pity ♪

♪ Game on, yeah, we're comin' for you ♪

♪ All you kids out livin' in the city ♪

♪ Your rock and roll dreams are gonna come true ♪

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Go ♪ Is it time for the victory dance?

You waited 12 years for this, Georgie.

Let 'er rip!

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Go ♪

Okay, team, we only have one hour to cook this thing, and to show Mom she's totally underestimated us.

This booger speaker doesn't work.

Yeah, and this head massager stinks.

Now I know why the housewives are shouty.

Ta-da!

A classy meal straight from the shouty housewives new cookbook, Take This Meal And Throw It.

Lemon-roasted game hen, potatoes au gratin, string beans and garden salad.

It's what they served before Connie's intervention.

Wow. I can't believe you guys made all of this.

I've seen you suck on frozen taquitos because you're too lazy to use the microwave.

Taquito pops.

And roses too. Are you guys even my kids?

We got them from Ms. Peters' yard.

Okay, you're still my kids.

Not delicious.

And Deathnee does not like this puppet.

If Lewie and Beast can cook from this book, so can you.

Heads up: your booger speaker is broken.

You guys did such a wonderful job, I can't wait to see what you make tomorrow night.

Patrice's lasagna that Nina claims is store bought looks fabulous.

First, Nina's jealous because Patrice knows Adele's cousin, and second, I thought we were only cooking one night.

After this, I don't wanna clip my children's wings after they've flown so high.

Can we make taquito pops?

No, and no corn dog-sicles either.

Then we're out of ideas.

I did it. I made the golf team!

You did? Great job, Georgie.

I can't believe it.

I mean, I can believe it, because it totally just happened, just like you said it did while we were sitting here eating popcorn, and yay, Georgie. Celebrate!

I'm so proud of you, Georgie. Oh!

Bad seat.

I might have gotten a little carried away during my celebration in the sand trap.

Yes!!

Yep, Georgie's finally a winner, thanks to my rock and roller.

Sure, it's kind of a backdoor way in, but if I can make my sister happy, I say rock and roll.

I was sitting there.

Hint number one.

Everything you just threw said Harley on it.

Oh, sorry, but this seat is the most supportive on the couch, and if I wanna stay in peak condition, I have to respect the machine.

What machine?

The machine.

I've seen Georgie with a swollen elbow, a swollen shoulder, and a swollen knee.

But I've never seen her with a swollen head.

Thanks.

Hey, that was mine.

Sorry. Gotta hydrate the machine.

What machine? That's what I said.

The machine would really appreciate some quiet.

The machine is out of order.

I'm so proud and honored to accept this award for golfing skill and sportsmanship.

And to my esteemed opponent, may I just say, "In yo' face, loser!"

May I just say, you know you're riding the bench, sista?

Sure, but pretty soon, I'm going to need to know my way around a trophy.

Better practice my victory tears.

I'm so happy!

Not quite there.

I'm going to record it and watch the game film.

Winner Georgie, kind of a bummer.

We should've left her in that sand trap.

It's just a cocky phase.

Great news.

Team captain Lindsay got att*cked by a wild dog.

That's turned into an evil phase.

It's just her leg.

Point is, she's missing the match and I get to start.

I can't wait to tell Mom.

Georgie Diaz, starter.

Ooh! I'm so happy.

Yes, nailed it.

She's going to look like a fool out there.

You've got to tell her the only reason she was good was because of your trick ball.

Rock and roller. Really?

My inventions may blow up in my face, but at least I can get the names right.

Guys, we made a horrible, horrible mistake.

We made a delicious meal that Mom liked.

Beast and I were only half trying.

But you can't bottle up this type of raw talent.

Look, our biggest strength is not knowing how to do things.

That's how we get our parents to do everything for us.

Have you ever seen a baby change its own diaper?

Are you saying we should poop our pants?

I will, but Mom specifically told us not to.

Guys, I'm saying if we pretend to not know how to cook, Mom won't make us do it.

So we're going to cook gross food on purpose?

Finally, something in our wheelhouse.

May I offer you a warm brownie and some hot gossip?

Would this be tattling?

I made it with real fudge. Spill.

Tweedledee and Tweedledum and Tweedle Full Of Herself are planning to mess up dinner so they don't have to cook anymore.

What?! Those little...

Wow. Mmm.

It's really hard to be mad with a mouthful of warm brownie.

Those little punks. I'm gonna put a stop to this.

Or pretend to like their food.

They'll have to keep cooking until they admit you're better at it.

Then they'll finally stop complaining.

Great plan, Daphne.

See, this is why you're the best kid in the family.

Don't butter me up.

If you want another brownie, just ask.

Hey. Before I tell you this, I want you to remember all the nice things I've done for you.

I see what you're angling for, but if you wanna be in my entourage, you're going to have to work for it.

You've made this next part slightly easier.

Georgie, you're terrible at golf.

Someone just got demoted to golf shoe cleaner.

This remote control ball I invented has been making all your sh*ts for you.

Sure, you've invented some cool stuff, but a remote control golf ball?

I find that pretty hard to...

Wait, what?! No.

You're a witch.

No, I'm an inventor.

I invented something to help that's turned out to be a curse.

Maybe I am a witch.

Wait. So my tryouts... I didn't do any of it?

Well, when you walked out on the green and tripped, that was all you.

So I cheated?

You didn't; I did.

And just to get you on the team.

After that, I thought you'd practice like you always do.

You made me think I didn't have to.

All I practiced was my crying face and my post-game interview.

You set me up to look like a fool, Harley.

I already had that covered on my own.

I'm sorry.

Maybe you can fake an injury.

Or get a real one.

Ooh, ask Rachel to teach you how to walk in heels again.

I have to play.

Without me, the team will be short a golfer.

They'll miss that tournament in Florida.

Team captain Lindsay already sold her hair to buy a plane ticket.

Wow. First a dog bite, and now the hair.

Rough week.

I can't catch my breath.

I feel light-headed.

Like I'm tumbling down a dark hole.

Which is something my golf ball won't do at the match.

How do we fix this, how do we fix this?

It's moving. That's a sign.

Maybe that means we should use it.

Actually, that means I was sitting on the remote.

But my butt agrees.

This is so exciting. You're a starter.

I'm just a golfer doing my golfer thing that I am very good at.

Should've invented a remote control mouth zipper.

Golf is boring.

It's like the library. You have to whisper.

Go play. Just don't get in any trouble.

Lots of wind today.

I thought you weren't gonna use the remote control golf ball again.

Does that ball look like I'm controlling it?

Check it out.

The golf ball's doing the same thing as our car.

Yoo hoo, come back.

Right behind you. Ow!

Well, I guess you don't have to worry about Winner Georgie anymore.

Why did I build this so well?

I can't even break anything right.

Hey, today could've been worse.

Georgie's had so many epic sports failures, no one even questioned her chasing a ball into a water hazard.

I wanted to help, and all I did was mess things up.

I'm the worst sister ever.

Pretty sure that's Rachel.

True.

But not helping.

You know what would help?

Talking to Georgie.

You don't think she'll be mad?

Oh, no, she'll be furious.

That's why you're going in alone.

Georgie, I know you're upset.

You can throw anything you want.

You're only saying that because you know I'll miss.

And I'm not mad.

You did me a favor.

You made me realize I'm done with sports.

What?

My whole life, I dreamed of becoming a winner.

But when it finally happened, I was a bad one. I lost my integrity.

No. I forced you into cheating.

And I prefer to call it performance enhancement.

Which, now that I've said it, doesn't sound so great either.

No, it's more than that.

I got cocky and didn't practice, except for my victory crying, which only made me realize I am an ugly crier.

Time for me to move on.

I'm going to be a regular, non-sporty American teenager.

What do they do?

I don't know.

Go to the mall?

And do what? Nothing much.

Nothing much.

I can do that.

How ironic.

Harley, Ethan and Georgie are at the mall, and you're here, cooking.

Because we wanted to cook a delicious meal for our mother.

Our first course is a soup.

Soy sauce and cantaloupe.

A taste of the Orient with some sass from the melon patch.

Very nice.

It is?

It's got an interesting crunch.

That's the breath mint crumble.

Tastes like when you brush your teeth, right after you've thrown up.

For our second course, sea bass and cottage cheese smoothies.

Not bad.

Oh.

Got a bone.

You're not eating?

Yum.

That's so good.

So jealous you got all the bones.

Wait.

No, you didn't.

I took a classic, and kicked it up a notch.

Tuna casserole with layers of marshmallow fluff.

I call it surf and flurf.

They say no one should eat alone.

It almost looks too good to eat.

Same time then?

I'm out!

There's no way I'm eating the flurf and barf.

Do I criticize your cooking?

See. Not so easy putting a meal on the table every night.

You're right. Even cooking gross food is hard work.

At least yours is sort of edible.

Not the appreciation I'd hoped for, but I'll take it.

We promise not to complain from now on... about dinner.

Everything else is still fair game.

Are you gonna finish that?

How's mall life treating you?

Well, I've pretty much done everything.

Got an awkward chair massage, browsed the sale rack at Always 15, threw change in a fountain.

Dug it back up to buy a churro.

Oh.

Strawberry-cinnamon pretzel samples are out.

Can I use this bag?

How many samples are you getting?

As many as I can.

Did you see what the other kids are making for dinner tonight?

You having fun?

Oh, yeah.

This is everything I thought it would be.

Come on, Georgie.

This can't be your life.

Sports is your life.

It's who you are. It's who we are.

Some of our best family moments have been spent watching you play.

Why? I always lose.

Exactly. That's our tradition.

Watch Georgie lose, be mad at the other team, go out for pizza.

We're nine people.

It's hard to get us together to do anything.

But you do.

You can't take that away from us.

Excuse me. You dropped 20 dollars.

A lotta kids your age would've kept that.

You're an honest gal.

Some might call that integrity.

I'm calling it integrity. You've got integrity.

I'm Mrs. Sullivan. These are my teammates.

We're mall walkers. You're a team?

Not officially, but we call ourselves the Pacemakers.

I like your hustle, hair for days.

You play sports?

She does. You do.

Well, we're looking to bring in some fresh feet.

Wanna join? She does. You do.

Unless you're loving this. I'm cut off.

Apparently, I'm an over-sampler.

Georgie, you're my man inside.

I need you to go back in and hit 'em hard.

Hold my boba. I'm comin' off the bench.

Less talking, more walking.

Try to keep up, kid.

Thanks, Harley.

What just happened?

Georgie found a new sport for her in-between season.

And our family's going to be watching her do laps around the food court.