01x15 - Stuck Without a Ride

[bunniefuu]

Mom, I know you have a lot on your plate right now...

And yet I still feel that's not the end of your sentence.

But I need you to give me a ride to Boston this weekend.

Why? Is that the first stop on your comedy tour?

Because that's hilarious. Sorry, honey, but Dad's out of town with Georgie and Daphne, and I just don't have time.

It's no big deal.

All we have to do is drop everything, load up the rest of the kids, drive two hours in traffic there and back...

Now that I hear it, even I'm not convinced.

Not being able to drive myself is driving myself crazy.

Hold on.

Rachel's already got her permit.

If she gets her license, she could be my ticket out of here.

And every kid wants their license.

I don't want my license.

Why? Don't you want your freedom?

Yes, and that's exactly what I'd be giving up.

Thanks for driving Lewie and Beast to the petting zoo for me.

How'd they like it?

Not as much as the llama liked my sweater.

You're forgetting about the up side.

What a day. I hit 18 malls, three outlets, and a designer sample sale.

This sweater was made for Gigi Hadid.

And if you have your driver's license, I have an inside line to two VIP passes to the jammin'-est, slammin'-est outdoor music fest in all of New England.

Jam Slam?

You have to know someone to get those tickets, and I know everyone you know, and you know no one. How do you have them?

Jam Slam picked my invention for their finals in their contest.

Winners get VIP passes.

And when I do, bam, we're rockin' at Jam Slam.

Okay, so recapping, cocky attitude, check.

Tickets, not so check.

You haven't won anything yet.

I will when the judges see this.

The H2 Whoa.

On one end, water bottle.

Other end, a multi-purpose tool for all of your outdoor concert needs.

A built-in sunscreen dispenser, a fan to cool you off, and a mirror to glam you up.

I can't tell if you like it or not.

Sorry. I got distracted by my own reflection.

That thing is b*mb.

And the best part is, the winning invention goes in every performer's swag bag at next year's event.

I'm in. I better go out and get a new outfit.

You need to get your license first.

I meant for the driving test.

Sorry, drivers of America.

Rachel's getting her license.

It's time to celebrate.

That's right. It's also a glitter cannon.

Too bad it's not also a broom.

♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin, let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

Mom, we found a way to fix our problem.

Don't worry, I called the plumber this morning.

But just to be safe, keep flushing twice.

No. Rachel's going to drive me to Boston.

As soon as the judges see my H2 Whoa, we're going VIP to Jam Slam.

Okay, even the few words in that sentence I did understand confuse me.

Rachel doesn't have her driver's license. Yet.

I have an appointment for a driver's test tomorrow, but I need an adult in the car with me.

Someone who's smart, accomplished, powerful.

Still sort of cute if she actually tried.

Not so great with the sweet talk, are you?

Fine. I'll take you, but only because I can cash in those guilt points with your father.

Oh, I also need to do some practice.

Cash them in if I live that long.

Congratulations, boys.

I'm casting you two as the leads for my final project in film class.

You'll be perfect. You were born to be stars.

Waited till the last minute again, didn't you?

This is getting to be a real problem.

I don't need a lecture from two guys who just got their heads stuck in the stair banister.

Beast got his stuck. I was just keeping him company.

Come on, guys. I can't flunk at the one thing I'm supposed to be good at.

File that under Ethan's problem.

But you'd be the perfect leads for my buddy cop film.

Buddy cops, you say?

Yeah. A couple of tough cops who answer to nobody but themselves.

Lewie, you'd be Detective Frank Jay.

And Beast, you're Detective Marco Peeby.

And together, you're Peeby and Jay.

Clever, huh?

I would've gone a different way.

So what do you say?

Help a brother out?

I'll have to talk to my agent.

We want our own trailers and hair stylists.

I'll give you two dead batteries and a handful of candy. Done.

If I'm banking my Jam Slam prize on Rachel, I figured a little practice couldn't hurt anything.

Except for maybe Mom's sanity.

Can we go already?

I'm just covering all our bases.

Let me put this on.

Mom, relax.

I've practiced some with Dad.

I'm good.

Last time we went, he kept his eyes open almost the whole time.

I'm relaxed. Okay.

Everybody, buckle your seatbelts.

Make sure it's secure.

It clicked, right? Did it click?

You heard a click? Did yours click?

I'm starting the car.

It's go time.

Wow. If this was a real driver's test, you...

Nailed it. Yeah.

Oh. I guess we need those to get home.

Looking good, boys.

You have the right to remain talented.

I kid. Now remember, you've been investigating this diamond heist for six months.

You've just found your first big clue.

The villain's signature purple handkerchief.

So Lewie picks it up first, and Beast will take off his glasses and say, "Somebody's about to get a taste of Peeby and Jay."

Got it? And... action.

Cut! What's the matter? I thought you two were ready.

Somebody's about to get a taste...

Not now. When the camera's rolling.

Yeah, do we have to do this with the camera rolling?

I'm much looser without it.

Wonder if it's too late to make this an animated film.

Okay, time for some last-minute cramming.

Rachel, what do you do when you reach a blind intersection?

Come to a complete stop, and proceed when clear.

Mom? Close my eyes and think of rainbows.

You'll both do great.

Oh, here comes the instructor.

Hi.

I'll be your...

Suzy. Is that you?

Oh, my gosh. Phil Durning?

Oh, it's been forever.

Girls, you're not gonna believe this, but Phil and I went to high school together.

Phil, these are my daughters.

Harley and Rachel.

Pleasure. Wow, time goes by fast.

How is it that you have two kids? Actually, she has...

Limited time, so let's get this show on the road.

Show on the road. I'm using that one.

Looks like we have an in.

I'm gonna go butter him up a little.

Good. Let Mom do the sweet talking.

Based on his khakis, I don't know if I could.

This is the longest ten minutes of my life waiting for Rachel to take her road test.

Oh, the moment of truth.

Pass or fail, it will all be written on Rachel's face.

Strong posture represents confidence.

Looking him in the eye nodding.

Also a good sign.

I think it's safe to say...

That I have no ability to read people.

That one was an accident.

I don't get it.

I stayed within the speed limit, my parallel parking was crazy parallel, I even nailed every point in my three-point turn.

Yeah. How did that go wrong?

Mom knew the instructor.

And we all know Mom's great at buttering people up.

Wow!

Another day's mail safely delivered.

And look at those arms.

Where was your last stop, the gym?

Hey, since it's on your route, would you mind dropping these off at the dry cleaners?

Light starch is fine.

Thanks.

That was basically our mailman in a car with worse pants.

He should've been putty in Mom's hands.

Maybe he's mad at her.

Maybe something went down in high school Mom's not telling us.

"Suzy, sorry things didn't work out."

What does that mean?

Check out his likes and dislikes.

Favorite singer, Meat Loaf.

That must be a typo.

All right, let me set the scene.

You've been on stakeout for 24 hours.

You haven't eaten or slept.

You're vulnerable, emotions are bubbling up.

Make me believe it.

And action.

I just found out my kid made the academy.

I'm so proud.

My wife just left me.

I've got nothing but the job.

Cut.

Somebody's about to get a taste... No.

Not catchphrase time.

And remember, Beast, in this scene, you're supposed to be happy, and Lewie, in this scene, you're supposed to be sad.

I'm sorry. Is that not reading?

Look, sad is this.

Try it.

Beast, happy looks like this.

This feels right.

Guys, you're killin' me. I need authenticity.

It's like you've never been happy or sad before.

All right, let's try this one more time.

Oh, and by the way, Beast, when we're done, I'm taking you out for ice cream.

Oh, sorry, Lewie. None for you.

Also, your pet turtle d*ed. And action.

I just found out my kid made the academy!

I'm so proud.

My wife just left me.

I've got nothing but the job.

Cut. Very nice.

Wait. I don't have a pet turtle.

Movin' on!

"Sorry things didn't work out."

Is there something you'd like to tell us?

Yeah. I know I never showed an interest in your past before, but I wanna know about this.

Phil had a thing for me back in high school, and I didn't like him back.

Phil can really hold a grudge.

He failed French junior year, never ate fries again.

A grudge for all these years?

There's gotta be something more.

Yeah. Did you insult his mother say his house smelled like hard-boiled eggs or flirt with his older brother to make him jealous?

I'm just thinking of things I did to Cuff.

Mom, think. I know high school was a crazy long time ago, but you've gotta remember something.

Now who's bad with the sweet talk?

Fine, but it's embarrassing.

He's made because he gave me a gift and I never returned it. What gift?

That captain's wheel.

He gave you that ugly thing?

You are the one who should be mad.

It was from Phil's family boat.

In his words, he no longer needed a steering wheel.

Because my heart would lead the way.

He said that?!

Again, you're the one who should be mad.

Cuff never gave me a wheel.

A hubcap once, but never a wheel.

Anyway, my heart didn't lead the way, I never returned the wheel, and Phil flunked you.

Now you know all of it. I'm sorry.

This really stinks.

There are no more road tests before Friday.

I guess we aren't going to Jam Slam.

It's over.

I think we all know me well enough to see that this is not over.

I'm not going to let some stupid captain's wheel keep me away from Jam Slam.

If there was only some way to reunite it with its original owner.

Dear Phil, it's Mom.

Nope. Delete, delete, delete.

It's Suzy.

It was nice seeing you again.

We gotta get this done before Mom gets home.

I added a lot of items to our grocery list, but it'll only take her so long to figure out organic fake tofu isn't a thing.

Phil just parked.

Took him three tries to squeeze in that spot, and he failed me?! What a joke.

Hi. Hi.

Thanks for coming by.

Did you find the house okay?

Any trouble parking?

Rachel!

Uh, is your mother home? She invited me over.

Right. There's something she wanted to give you.

What's this?

The captain's wheel you gave her back in high school.

The symbol of your lost love.

The reason why you b*rned me on that test.

And maybe now, you can find a way to fit Rachel into your schedule for a re-test.

It took me three stores, but I found your organic fake tofu.

What's going on?

Phil, what are you doing here? Okay, Mom, I know this is a surprise, but we were trying to help Phil heal.

From that hole you put in his heart all those years ago.

What hole? My heart's fine.

High blood pressure, but just part of the driving game.

And I've never seen that wheel before in my life.

Wait. What? I knew it.

Mom was hot in high school, but not captain's wheel hot.

So you made up that whole lie about the captain's wheel?

But if Phil didn't have a grudge against you, why did he say no when you asked him for a favor?

He didn't say no.

From one old friend to another, maybe it's best if my daughter doesn't pass the test.

I just don't think she's ready yet.

But why?

I studied, I practiced.

You saw how good of a driver I was.

Yeah, Mom. While we were practicing, she passed two shoe clearance sales and didn't even look. She was totally ready.

I know she was.

It was me who wasn't. What?

When I saw you guys standing there all set to go, it hit me.

As much as I complain about driving you all around, sometimes those 20 minutes in the car are the only times we get to share.

It is kind of like a metal confessional booth.

I was gonna say rolling jail cell, but yours is nicer.

Once you kids start driving, I'm afraid I'm gonna lose all those little moments.

And now I feel bad about my jail cell thing.

Don't worry, Mom.

You'll probably have Georgie for a while.

I don't see her passing her driver's test the first dozen times.

I'm sorry for letting my sappiness get in the way of your license.

It's okay, Mom. I'll just get it next month.

Unless your friend would be willing to squeeze Rachel in before Friday.

I knew I shouldn't have stayed for these cookies.

Okay, guys, you've successfully tracked the villain with the purple handkerchief down to the loading docks.

But your partnership is falling apart.

Oh, and by the way, Beast, Lewie cleaned his ear with your toothbrush.

Lewie, Beast said you're a poopy pants.

Action.

How could you steal my lady?

Gloria was everything to me.

You've got a lot of nerve, buddy boy.

This ain't the time, Peeby. We've got a villain on the loose.

And Gloria's my lady now.

We can do this two ways.

Creamy or crunchy.

Cut. Where's that in the script?

It's not. I just feel like my character would say that.

What do you mean, your character?

And if Peeby has his own catchphrase, shouldn't Jay have one, too? Something like, We can do this two ways.

Grape or marmalade.

Okay, these aren't the characters I created.

You? We are these characters.

We've experienced all their emotions.

Happy, sad, the other ones.

It's true. I don't know where I end and Marco Peeby begins.

Look, I've got ten minutes before a bread truck comes in and parks in our set, so let's go, monkeys.

Just do what I say.

No dice, director man.

Like you said, we're just a couple of tough cops who answer to nobody but ourselves.

Yeah. In fact, hit the bricks. You're fired.

Fired? You don't exist without me.

Says you. Come on, Peeby.

Let's jam.

Jay doesn't have a catchphrase.

The one thing I don't get is, why did you sign Mom's yearbook

"Sorry things didn't work out"?

Why did I do that? Mmm.

Oh, I think your mom was supposed to come over and watch Lethal w*apon 3, but my VCR broke.

Just as well.

If there's one thing I hate, it's a buddy cop movie.

So now that I've shown I'm still crazy after all these years, is there any chance you can give Rachel a re-test before the weekend?

Well, I'd hate to have Harley miss her invention contest.

And a k*ller music festival.

Let's focus on the non-party one, Rachel.

I suppose I could fit you in at the end of the day tomorrow.

Yes!

Oh, thanks for being so nice about this, Phil.

Ah, no problem.

Families like this... it's the reason you do the job.

Well, I'm gonna go get some more cookies.

Harley, why don't you show him your invention?

It's called the H2 Whoa.

It has water, a fan, sunscreen.

Ow! My eyes! Burning!

What are you doing? What's going on?

Ten more seconds and this b*mb goes off.

Which wire do I cut?

I don't know, but if you pick the wrong one, this orphanage goes up like a Roman candle.

Hands off my inventions.

Well, guess we'll have to defuse the hair dryer.

Oh! I'm sorry.

My brothers must've tampered with the...

Oh!

Oh, glitter! Okay.

I will get you a towel.

Though a clean one might take a minute.

Uh... here.

Use this.

Okay.

Do you see that? Son of a g*n.

Purple handkerchief.

Get him!!

The perfect ending.

What are you doing?!

Mom!! Guys, stop.

Step back, ma'am.

This is police business.

Looks like someone just got a taste of Peeby and Jay.

Cut. Print. Perfect.

Boys! Get off of him!

What are you doing?!

Can we do this one more time?

I'd love to get some other angles.

Thanks again for driving us, Mom.

No probs.

You know, I called around and there's a road test available in Duxbury next week.

I'll take you if you want.

You didn't date anyone there, right?

I hope I pass.

You will.

I'm pretty sure you're ready.

In a family like mine, it's easy to be in a hurry, trying to reach those big milestones in life... license, graduation, Nobel Prize for inventing.

But no rush.

There's still plenty of small moments to appreciate along the way.

Most of the time.

Okay, punk, where'd you get that trophy?

We can do this three ways.

Creamy, crunchy, or with a tall glass of milk.

Ethan, when are you going to finish this movie?

I finished two days ago.

I can't get them to stop.

Guys, don't push that.

Never mind.