02x20 - Stuck in the Diaz Awards

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe "Man Versus Dumpster" has its own after-show.

Oh, yeah. Talking trash is the best.

How else would be know how sick Dumpster Jack got from drinking that expired egg nog?

Spoiler alert: Very.

Dude, the least you can do is ask.

Actually, he can't.

We said the same word at the same time and I called "jinx," so now he can't talk until I say his name.

What if he talks anyway?

He has to wear my undies on his head.

Classic game, classic punishment.

And these are F-O-T-B...

Fresh Off The Butt.

Guys, get ready for a blast from the past.

Oh, no. More videos of your old football games.

That is not what this is.

But if there's time we can watch my incredible 62-yard touchdown pass...

Let's scatter! Wait! You're gonna like this.

This is the commercial I made for the Bait & Bite.

I just bought a whole bunch of TV time so I can start running it again.

I didn't know you made a commercial.

Eleven years ago.

But it holds up great.

Arrr, mateys!

Come on down to the Bait & Bite for all yer sea-farin' needs.

Even for the wee ones.

Arr.

Ooh!

Harley, that does not smell like wee!

Ohhh! Shiver me timbers!

But you know what doesn't stink?

Our deals!

Ha ha! Arrr!

Adorable, right? Ooh, hang on guys.

Your mom's gonna want to see this.

Could that be more embarrassing?

Yeah. Talk about amateur filmmaking.

I mean, it had no look, no point of view, the director didn't know rack focus from a wardrobe rack, which, by the way, you could see in the background.

That's not what I meant.

You pooped your pants.

That's what I meant.

Harley's "Doody" Diaz!

Ha! You talked.

I'm worth it.

"Doody" Diaz. That name could stick.

He's right. Once you get a nickname, it's hard to get rid of it.

Ask "Booger" Bruce.

He picked his nose once in second grade, and that's it.

And truthfully, I think it was more of an itch than a pick.

This could be bad.

And now, your valedictorian, "Doody" Diaz.

If that commercial airs, it'll follow me around for the rest of my life!

Your name's Heinie Head.

Better than "Doody" Diaz.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin, let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪ Arr! Arrr!

I look terrible in this commercial.

But in my defense, not even Lady Gaga could pull off an eye patch and a bandana.

You're worried about how you look?

I pooped my diaper!

Harls, you were two.

Yeah, but kids at school are going to see this now.

I think they know you poop.

They don't need to see me poop.

You can't run that commercial.

I'll be humiliated.

Wow, Harls, I didn't know you'd feel this way.

It's just with Rod's Reel & Deal slashing prices, I've gotta do everything I can to keep up.

But if it means that much, I won't run it.

Thanks, Dad.

I feel bad, though.

You'll still get your money back, right?

Oh, yeah, Rod's Reel & Deal will snap that ad time right up.

It's a prime fisherman slot.

But they're slashing prices!

I don't want you to lose business because of me.

Hey, what if you make a whole new commercial?

We've got a filmmaker right here in the family. Ethan.

Okay, you see those looks?

Those are the looks of people who know Ethan doesn't finish stuff.

Don't get me wrong.

He starts off with lots of enthusiasm...

Suit up!

This is gonna be the greatst sci-fi epic ever!

But the minute he hits a speed bump...

We are not wrapping the Martian in wax paper, people.

I quit. ...that happens.

Can someone unfoil me?

I'm pretty sure the part near my nose was wrapped around a tuna sandwich.

Ethan's like me on laundry day... he starts strong, but then ten minutes later he's hving tea and watching Judge Judy.

I know he's given up in the past, but he can do this.

I believe in him a hundred percent.

Okay, you see this look?

This is the look of somebody who said a bunch of stuff she might not believe but is really, really hoping is true.

Pay close attention... you might see it again.

The ad's supposed to run in two days.

We don't have much time.

I promise.

If Ethan doesn't make a better commercial, you can air the old one.

No matter what, There will be an ad for the Bait & Bite on TV this Friday.

That would be great.

There's that look again.

Didn't think you'd see it so soon, did you?

I could really use some tea.

Ooh! I wonder who Judge Judy is yelling at today.

Mom, I'd like you to meet Coach Wood's service bird Leo.

With all our team's losses, she needed the emotional support.

That coach is a kook.

Coach is a kook. Mom!

Watch what you say!

Coach trusted me with him while she's out of town.

If she hears him saying stuff like this, she'll know where he learned it.

She'll think the Diazes are... Who we are?

Exactly. I need her to think the Diazes are kind, humble people.

Got an A in history. Check it, losers.

Check it, losers! Leo, no!

This family is a mine field.

Great job, honey. I'm so proud of you.

Yeah, it felt pretty good. but mostly because you promised me two tickets to Adele if I got an A.

It's funny what a little motivation'll do.

Okay, putting "buy tickets" on my to-do list.

Hello? Oh, I'm sure she'll sing that song.

No, I mean, tickets go on sale tomorrow and Adele sells out in minutes.

We'll need, like, six different devices going at once.

It sounds like a lot of work.

I'll just call one of those ticket broker places.

We need to get them ourselves.

Brokers add huge fees.

We'll end up paying 500 per ticket to sit in the last row, and I did not learn the chief imports of Belgium to sit in the last row.

Five hundred per ticket?

We have to buy them ourselves.

Okay, we need every laptop, phone, computer, everything ready to go the second the sale starts.

Funny what a little motivation will do.

Just so you know, you have those on wrong.

This is because I lost that jinx.

I want in.

You really want a sh*t at having those on your head?

Won't matter, 'cause I'm not going to lose.

To be young and cocky again.

This is not a game for the faint of heart.

Yeah, we're experts at jinx.

Said the guy with undies on his head.

We are taking her down.

Sorry, it's really hard to take you seriously when you're wearing an underwear hat.

You know how you're always dreaming about getting your big break as a filmmaker?

Well, I just got it for you.

You're going to sh**t a commercial for Dad's store.

Awesome!

This commercial will put you in the bigs.

It'll be on TV!

Hey, maybe I can find a way to finally pull off my signature camera move.

All great directors have one.

I've always wanted to finish with a boom.

Love the ambition, not sure Dad wants us using expl*sives.

No, a boom sh*t.

That's when the camera lifts up and the frame goes wide and the story comes together.

And that's when you know you've been movied by Ethan Diaz.

I'm the queen of boom on a budget.

I can totally make you a rig for your camera.

Wow. You really don't want to be known as Doody Diaz, do you?

Well, if I start my storyboard tonight, I could have it done in three weeks. You have two days total.

Storyboards are for wimps.

It's all up here.

Get ready.

I'm about to direct the best no-budget, no-time, boom-tastic bait shop commercial ever made!

Yeah!

Boom-tastic. Can't say if I love it or hate it, but it's definitely not quitter talk.

Oh, forget it.

Hey hey, there's my lovely and talented star.

Stop kissing up. I already agreed to do it.

A great director always flatters the talent.

That's a fun fact I read on a movie screen.

Anyway, you know your lines?

The ocean is a cold and dangerous place, but I'm here to save you money!

Wow, Daphne's a good little actress.

She's gonna save us money.

See what I did there? Yeah.

Was there any doubt that I was gonna be the lead in this thing?

Looks like you've got everything you need.

Including a total diva star.

So I'm gonna be outside building your camera rig.

Oh, great.

'Cause that boom sh*t is gonna take this ad to the next level.

Any level where I'm not wearing a diaper is fine by me.

Oh, before I forget.

For good luck.

Since when do lobsters bring good luck?

Are you kidding?

They're the leprechauns of the sea.

Not that you need any luck. I totally trust you.

To maybe possibly quit if things get difficult.

So I wired an old baby monitor into this lobster shell.

That way, I can listen in and help smooth out any problems before it gets to quitting time.

Sure, I know it's sneaky, but I'd rather be nicknamed "Shady" than "Doody."

Making movies is my thing.

I got this.

Totally.

I'm just gonna leave this right here.

Casually, not in any specific spot.

So, what are we gonna be doing?

Nothing. Every time I put you guys in my movies it's a disaster.

I'm only using you for the final group sh*t of the whole family.

You mean... we don't have any lines?

Yeah.

Cool! We can do high kicks!

Yeah! Yeah! High... Guys, stop, stop, stop, stop!

Stay out of my way and be quiet. Oh. Whatever.

Good luck with your kickless ad.

Check it, losers.

Stop saying that. You misheard.

No one here talks that way.

Here's what we say... in the Diaz home.

Okay.

"Yes, please."

"After you."

"May I set the table, Mother?"

Yeah, that's pushing it. Coach'll never buy that.

"Thank you. Don't mind if I do."

Don't mind if I do.

That's it! Should I read some more?

May I set the table, Mother?

Huh. I actually buy that coming from you.

Way to nail it.

Okay. Just like we rehearsed.

Ready? And... action!

Cut. What's going on?

O-Okay. You lost me at...

Make yourself useful and get me a bagel.

I'm the star. You guys are just a couple of...

Losers.

Jinx!

Are you serious?

Unjinx her!

I'd love to, but what was it that you said?

I should be quiet?

Fine, I'll do it myself.

Daphne.

What are you doing?

It only works if the person who called jinx says it.

Were you never a kid?

Guys, I can't sh**t this commercial if my lead can't speak.

This is a problem.

Problem? I'm on it.

How's the ad going?

Great. And not just great like people say it and don't mean it, actual great. Nice, because I am so excited about this commercial I bought more air time... during Judge Judy.

Your mother thinks I'm a god.

It's gonna run a million times.

Great.

Wait. I'm confused.

Who's jinxed again?

Don't think we're falling for that one.

Do you think we're dumb?

Last week you sucked on a rock when I told you it had a marshmallow center.

It doesn't? I was still working on that.

Ow!

What is this?

Not candy. Don't bother.

Wait, you finished the camera rig already?

Uh, it's pretty close.

So I heard somebody was jinxed. Who was it again?

We're not saying our name. You guys are pathetic.

How did you know that Daphne was jinxed?

You said so. No I didn't.

Do you want to sit here and argue, or make an ad?

Well, I'm kinda stuck.

I mean, my star can't speak. I need her.

Okay, okay, you don't need to yell.

You know, this ad's getting to be a real bummer.

Idea. Jump ahead to Mom and Rachel's part and sh**t Daphne later.

I'll let you know when she's unjinxed.

That should work.

Man, show business is tough.

I wonder how Spielberg gets his actors unjinxed?

Okay, all of these are logged into the ticket website and we have 21 minutes before they go on sale.

Let's practice speed refreshing. Okay.

Hey, Ethan.

Us? Now?

Why?

Well, to be fair, that's how jinx works.

Okay, fine.

Pack it up. We're moving this operation down to the store.

What? But you promised we'd get tickets!

And I promised your brother I'd do his commercial.

I guess I'll do what I do every day: spread myself too thin and disappoint all my kids.

Let's go.

You can tie him up and shave his head... he's not gonna say your name.

Don't give her any ideas!

Whatever you do, do it quietly.

Guys, come on, you're supposed to be selling kayaks here.

I have no bars! I'm not getting through!

Ow! Thumb cramp.

You gave birth to seven kids. Work through the pain.

Look, if this were an ad for an eletronics store commercial...

Two more minutes, Ethan! Do you know how much those ticket brokers charge?

When are you sh**ting our scene?

Uh... how does now work for you?

Just lose the bird.

I can't leave him alone.

Leo has separation anxiety.

Which is weird, because as an emotional support bird it's also something he treats.

Okay.

Then you say, "Ahoy, mateys, big savings ahead."

Can I say, "Shiver me timbers" instead?

That was my big line last time. Sure!

Actors...

Okay, I'm gonna call "action," then just keep going till I say "cut."

Action! Tiver me shimbers... Ahh...

I didn't call "action."

That was the bird. Do I sound like a bird?

I'm not sure. Say "action" again and I'll...

I don't sound like a bird.

Okay, here we go.

Action!

Shiver me timbers. Big savings ahead.

Arrr! When you be in need of fishing and boating supplies...

Cut!

What? Not feeling the pirate?

That was Leo! Wow!

Actually, yes, you do sound like a bird!

Okay, I can't work with Leo.

He's driving me crazy.

You can't unjinx here. Why are you tied up?

I asked. It looked fun.

This is not worth it.

Please welcome the President of the United States, "Doody" Diaz!

Then again...

Can someone find Harley?

I'm ready for the rig.

Okay, rig, time to erease "Doody" Diaz for good.

Doody Diaz, Doody Diaz.

Emotional support bird? So not supportive.

That looks amazing.

It could have used more time, but I was busy listening to the lobster.

What?

It's, uh, movie set talk.

You know, "Lights, camera, lobster!"

Surprised you haven't heard it.

Anyway, this should get you your boom sh*t.

Great, because so far I've got nothing.

But my signature sh*t could save this whole ad.

I'm gonna start close on the family and then boom up to show off the entire store as upbeat and cheery as the Diaz family itself.

We didn't get Adele tickets.

It's gonna cost a bazillion dollars to buy them from a broker.

And I have to sit in the last row.

I don't even know how to shop for last row outfits.

Maybe don't start with them.

Come on, guys, let's get into place for the big group sh*t.

It's lobster time.

Action.

So come on down to the Bait & Bite, the family store that has...

Adele just announced a second concert!

Yes!

Leo!

Doody Diaz! Doody Diaz! I am now.

Who taught him that? Cut.

I can't do this anymore.

This commercial is doomed. I quit.

Dang, that was close!

Ha! You talked!

What would you prefer, butt in front, or butt in back?

I can't believe you're quitting.

After I spent the whole day solving your problems.

What? That lobster I gave you... it had a monitor in it so I could help you.

I knew lobsters weren't lucky!

They end up dropped in boiling water.

So I guess you don't think I'm good at directing.

I know you're good at directing.

But you're also good at quitting.

Success takes more than talent, it takes dedication.

I should know.

I'm an inventor, half the things I try, fail.

And whether or not you do this ad, I'm gonna make that rig work, too.

Because I don't quit when things go wrong.

I'm sorry I let you down.

You didn't just let me down... you let you down.

♪ I got the tickets, I got the tickets ♪ I know there's something going on here, but I can't stop dancing.

You didn't get the tickets either?

No, I only got... fifth row!

What? That's amazing!

You're going to see Adele and we can all afford to go to the dentist this year.

And I know who I'm gonna take with the extra ticket.

You. Really?

Oh, Rach... thank you so much.

No thanks needed.

A poster, a T-shirt and a hoodie needed.

I want you to know I'll honor my promise.

You can air the old commercial tomorrow.

I have accepted my fate.

And the very first footprints on Mars belong to Commander Doody Diaz.

Those Martians were laughing at me!

Everyone, get in here!

I have something to show you.

I finished my commercial.

Now, I didn't have a lot to work with, but someone told me to never give up.

So I took what I had into editing and added a few things.

The Bait & Bite has all your outdoor needs covered, so you're ready for anything.

That's right, anything.

Instead of sitting around being bored... grab a board and surf on down to the Bait & Bite.

We've got everything you need for outdoor fun.

Don't get lost at sea looking for good deals...

Yes!

...it's a whale of a sale, so come on down.

And bring your family to meet ours.

Open seven days a week, se hable espanol.

Well, some of us.

I love it. We gotta celebrate.

Everybody into the kitchen.

Pizza rolls on me.

I finished those yesterday.

Taquitos on me.

I ate those last night.

Did anybody eat the fruit cups?

Fruit cups on me!

Yeah! Yes.

Good job. Great job.

You totally bailed me out.

Just so you know, I might still quit on other stuff, but I'll never quit on my BFTF.

You better not.

I'll never quit! I'll never quit!

I just got a text from Coach.

She'll be here any minute to pick up Leo.

Good thing I finally got him to clean up his beak.

I'll never quit.

Wow, look what he learned here.

Hey, wins all around.

Georgie, hit me with a fruit cup.

Georgie hit me. Georgie hit me. Leo. No no. No no no. Shh!

Georgie hit me. Tell Coach Woods I moved.