04x07 - Bluff

[bunniefuu]

To hell with being a producer.

You're the suitress.

Let's put some money on it.

You lock down one of these all stars, I'll give you my producer bonus.

He full-on frat-boy date-r*ped her.

If you leave now, everyone's gonna think that you were lying.

Take a sip, drink, and have a good time.

The person who is really taken with you is Noelle.

Really? Make a move.

You need to expose him for who he really is.

Come on, Maya. It's okay.

Get off of her now!

Go to the network.

You can root out this cancer once and for all.

Rachel Goldberg made it happen.

You have completely lost control.

Oh, this is on me?! You're damn right it is.

I'm pregnant.

It always should have been this way.

We're doing "Stripper Queens" scripted.

I want out.

This is all because of you.

You wanna get out of here and scout locations for the finale?

This doesn't suck. Yeah, pretty nice.

Who'd have thought I'd end up here?

Yeah.

Not... Not bussing tables or parking cars.

I could not imagine you settling for that life.

I didn't really think I had a choice growing up.

Yeah.

Now all the Castellis brag about their son, big, fancy TV producer.

Yeah, well, Dad's favorite pastime was calling me a worthless pieces of garbage when he wasn't kicking the sh*t out of me, so probably not.

You showed him.

Good for you.

Yeah, not so good for my little brother.

I had to leave him behind to fend for himself, so...

I get that kind of regret, trust me.

You know, but the past happened.

You did what you did, and you made the choices you made.

All you have now is what's ahead.

That's all there is.

What's ahead is looking pretty good right now.

I think we should drink to that.

How is she?

So we go balls out to take Rachel down, she survives, of course, like a sociopathic cockroach in a nuclear holocaust and now we just what? I am figuring it out, Jay.

Okay, you should be thinking about "Passport to Dance".

Last night's numbers are in, and we went from dead-in-the-water to on-the-bubble.

All right?

Thank God Alexi is charming again.

I mean, he really milked that cane for all it was worth.

That's wonderful, Quinn. That's great.

But right now I want to help that girl.

Yeah, me, too.

T minus 24 hours until "Stripper Queens".

I'm getting that pre-pitch half loaf.

Oh, gross, Chet.

Hey, this is the first time we're doing scripted.

There's a lot of excitement and anticipation.

Yeah, I can tell. She's here.

So, showing up for work.

How novel.

It was a long weekend, and we were scouting.

For work. Right.

Well, I hope you practiced safe scouting.

Oh, my God. Do you have a point other than being creepily up my assh*le?

There's something wrong with Noelle.

What do you mean?

Well, she's not eating, sleeping, or maintaining basic personal hygiene.

So I'm thinking about bringing in a therapist.

Right. Because therapy always works out so well.

This is normal, okay?

She doesn't need anyone holding her hand telling her how to get through it.

You figure it out. You focus on what's ahead.

Speaking of which, do you want to know what we have planned today or what?

Okay. So it's called

"Don't Get Bombed".

It's the perfect combo of physical and mental.

The guys are gonna have to bring their A-games.

Congratulations.

You managed to squeeze three sports clichés into one statement.

You, uh, care to talk about how to protect our final four...

Candi, August, Noelle, Rodrigo?

Well, I was actually thinking of switching it up a bit.

Sounds like Noelle is kind of a dud these days.

Yeah. I can't imagine what could have gotten into her.

So that's your plan?

Just throw her out like trash?

Well, that's what you do when things get stale.

Besides, I mean, we have to top last week's ratings bonanza.

I mean, you do remember the episode that we created.

Well, I mean, whatever couple has to go up against August and Candi, they will need to bring a shitload of chemistry to rival those two jackrabbits.

They haven't left their room for three days straight.

I'm so glad I don't have to clean the sheets in this place.

What?

Oh, and here I thought you knew everything.

I guess you miss a thing or two when you disappear for a long weekend.

Go on.

Scurry off and produce your challenge, coach.

Go team go!

Hey.

I guess, uh, you and August weren't exclusive.

Right, yeah.

So how about we get rid of him in the challenge today?

No. Come on.

What? No, Jack's not final-four material.

What?

I-I-I thought you'd be glad to be done with August once and for all.

There's no reason to keep him around, is there?

I don't know. Time's running out on our bet.

I mean, you're always telling me to keep my options open.

Well, stripper seconds doesn't sound like much of an option, but, uh, hey, sure.

Why not see if you crazy kids can make it work?

Quinn, what are you doing?

I want to talk about what Rachel did to you.

What? Screw my boyfriend and then push me onto Roger so I'd stay out of her way?

No, I'm good.

No.

I'm talking about what else she did.

Oh, my God. Okay.

What line are you gonna give me this time, hmm?

"Noelle, this dance challenge, it's for you."

"Noelle, you should play hard to get."

"Noelle, you're looking a little desperate and stuck up, why not get wasted with the date r*pist, and then lie to protect him so you really feel like scum?"

Okay.

Come on, Noelle.

You are a fighter.

Stop moping around like some heroin-addicted sweatpants model and fight.

You know, sometimes you have huge, life-altering events thrown at you.

You can't go back to who you were.

You have to figure out who you are now.

Let me help you, Noelle.

Rachel needs to pay for what she did.

Get the hell out of my room.

I don't know if you've figured this out yet or not, but Rachel's a contestant playing her own game, and all of you are just collateral damage.

Oh, hey, you guys. Hey.

I just came to prep this one for today's challenge and, you know, I think Jay's waiting for you by crafty, Candi.

Oh, okay, perfect. Yeah. And I'm kinda hungry from all the sex that we just had.

Mm. See ya.

I don't think I need any producing.

Thanks anyway.

Hey, listen, I get it.

Okay. You're with Candi now.

I'm pulling for you to go all the way with a million bucks.

Really? Yeah.

That's nice. I mean, just like you're hoping Jack wins so you two can run away together?

What?

Oh, my God, did he tell you that? Why?

You calling him a liar?

I'm just saying the guy's kind of delusional.

He's been like weirdly obsessed with me.

Oh, come on. I mean, I actually feel, like bad for him. It feels like he's having some sort of, like, psychotic break.

He seemed fine to me.

Well, yeah, he is. I mean, like, he's a great guy.

I just feel bad that you got this idea because I've just been, you know, all about you.

I thought I made that perfectly clear.

Rachel, I... It's fine.

Good luck tonight.

Hey. Hey.

Oh, Jacko Station Microbrew?

Tommy, where the hell did you get that, mate?

A friend from Melbourne turned me onto it.

I know, I know.

Beer on the job spells drinking problem, but my near-perfect weekend just turned into a perfectly sh*t Monday, so...

Hey, you know what?

I'll drink to that. You sure?

You got the challenge in a couple hours.

Yeah. And I could stand to clear my head a bit, to be honest.

Yep. All right.

Come on. Cheers.

I mean, I probably should've gone to the cops like you told me to, but Rachel just got in my head.

Noelle, none of this is on you.

It's not your fault.

But Rachel... Is awful, Noelle.

She is a horrible human being, and I did everything that I could to stop her, but...

Hi, guys.

You trying to steal my producer, Noelle?

Jay's taking me all the way.

Good for you.

Noelle...

Aww, she looks so sad.

Okay. We gotta roll, people!

Where are the rest of my contestants?

Where are my other contestants?

I can't believe they moved up the challenge time.

Hey, it's all right, mate.

Hey, can you take that for a second?

You gonna be okay?

Can I get you some coffee or something?

No, I'm good. I'm good. Positive.

Hey. So glad you're back.

Yeah, me, too. Look, sorry I'm MIA, but this challenge is, like, super simple.

Okay, it's just trivia questions about things the women have told you...

Right. ... just to see if you've been paying attention. But you already know that Sofia's favorite color is green and that Candi's son is 13.

You know, it's that kind of stuff.

I'm gonna win this one for you.

One minute, people. Move it!

Look, I'm... I'm really sorry.

I mean, I'm... I'm such a chicken and you're such a nice guy, but I just don't like you like that.

Y-Y-You slept with me.

Look, there's no easy way to tell someone that they're just a pity lay.

No. No. Th-That's not true.

Okay. Let me put it to you this way.

You weren't even the last guy I screwed that night.

Come on, people, it's show time.

You ready? Give me that.

Well, I'm not sure that Jack's in the right headspace for this challenge right now.

Too bad.

And, uh, I'm not sure it was a great idea for August to slam five beers before the challenge, either.

He can handle it. Okay. And action. Graham.

We... are men.

And as men, we have faced challenges of strength, wits, and ingenuity.

But women across the ages have placed the highest value on another skill.

Listening.

Or at least I think that's what they said.

I just remember blah, blah, blah.

And to prove to your ladies that listening is a matter of life and death...

Hey!

Gentlemen, you will need to diffuse your bombs before the time runs out.

You will run over to the stations.

Ladies, please say hi. Hello.

Hello. Hi.

A correct answer to their questions will make one of these wires darken, bringing you one step closer to cutting the right wire.

The wrong answer to the question, and gentlemen, you'll be forced to take a sh*t of tequila, making this game progressively more expl*sive.

That's new.

Oh, yeah. Did I forget to mention that?

Probably not a great idea to start three sheets to the wind already.

Nice, Graham. Well, if it's a drinking game, the Aussie's definitely got the upper hand boys, I'm sorry.

Men, grab your bombs.

I hope you've listened well.

And don't get bombed.

Oh, good one, brother!

Bombs activated.

Okay, how old is my son?

Is he 8 or is he 13?

13.

Okay. No, I'm not that old, okay? Drink up.

What was my high-school mascot?

A lion or a tiger?

A tiger?

Favorite record? Hawaii. No, no, no, no.

Favorite place to travel?

Banks. Trojan.

Two wheels.

What is my religion?

Catholic. Yes.

Yeah? Yes.

Whoo!

Aah! I win!

I win!

Indeed, Rodrigo's the winner. Now, Rodrigo.

Your English is not so bueno, but your hearing is da b*mb.

Now, America, high five. Right up top.

It is now August and Jack to see who is going to go home tonight under two minutes, you guys.

What's my favorite color? Blue or green?

I'm not falling for this again.

Blue.

Actually, it's green.

Okay, that's it. I'm done.

Stop the game. Jack, look.

We can't. The clock is still ticking and you need to cut the right wire, buddy. I'm done.

I don't care. I want the whole place to blow up.

Oh, my God. Game over.

"Everlasting"?

More like ever-nothing! Oh, oh, oh.

All the women here are nothing but good-for-nothing liars.

And another satisfied Goldberg customer.

I thought you lived for this kind of stuff.

I used to.

Rachel.

Rachel, you are the biggest...

Well, it looks like Jack is going home.

Why?! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why me?

What did I ever do to anybody?

Try to be nice?

It seems like August is sticking around.

Your move.

I'm in.

Tell me what she did and what we're gonna do about it.

The stakes could not be higher for each of you three ladies.

Now, soon, we're gonna be heading to a beautiful mountain resort where you will have a chance to make your case to these men in a romantic and intimate setting.

But you will also be given an unprecedented chance to sh**t and edit your own short video that you'll present to August, Rodrigo, and America tonight at the elimination ceremony.

With no interference from any of our producers and/or editors.

You get to tell your story.

No one's gonna help them edit?

These videos are gonna be, like, home movies.

They are going to look real and honest.

People love that sh*t.

Dude, it sounds soft as hell.

Look, I know that you're trying to get Noelle dumped tonight, all right, but she has earned a chance to showcase her true self.

Really? Oh, great.

So what, her video's gonna be some existential su1c1de note titled "Mopey Buzzkill"? Wow.

You know, look, uh, you and I both know that Sofia isn't in the same league as Noelle.

But I guess it's easier to sacrifice a star than face your own guilt.

You literally can't even look Noelle in the eyes.

Of course you're trying to get her cut.

Frankly, you should be helping me. Oh.

You know, if Noelle gets cut, you have two girls in the finale, and that's a guaranteed win for the first time ever.

That would be a huge bonus.

Yeah. Because that's exactly what I'm focused on right now, Rachel.

Hey. Hey.

We should probably keep it profesh.

It k*lled me that you had to work this weekend.

I thought about you constantly, like, when I was alone.

Well, uh, I-I got you something.

Look, Noelle shouldn't even be here in the first place.

I mean, getting cut, going home, that would be the best thing for her.

She could get therapy or whatever, and you could help her.

Will you just think about it?

You are the best boyfriend ever.

Sorry. Sorry.

It's just so hard to keep it profesh with you.

See you tonight?

Scouting trip? I know what you're up to.

I know your tricks. Just stay away from my man.

Oh, my God. You're not a contestant, Madison.

Bring the drama down a notch.

What's up with your hair?

You're, like, shedding.

That's so gross.

You know what? I have an actual stressful real job.

How about you try working a day in your life instead of whoring yourself up the ladder, and you'd have a clue.

Well. Wow.

Hello, I haven't seen you since I got back.

Oh, did you like how I win the challenge?

Mm-hmm. I win for you, bellísima.

What about Noelle?

Well, I've barely seen her this week.

But I will pick her tonight because this is what America wants.

I'm not so sure what America wants anymore, to be honest with you.

You two haven't had any real heat in a long time.

You should try spicing things up with her.

You know, showing you still have that passion there.

Hmm.

I mean, I'll be dying of jealousy on the inside, but I really think you should go for it.

This is great. Who sh*t this?

This indie filmmaker who owes me a favor.

Quinn, I, uh, need your eyes on this.

Yeah, I will be right there.

All right? Okay. You know what?

Yes.

We don't have to do this pitch today.

You got a lot on your plate.

Yes, we do.

I do.

I just... I can't stay here if she's gonna be like this.

I just can't.

Whoa, Quinn. I know.

And I'm sorry for your young, innocent eyes, but it is important.

You sure about this?

Very.

Ladies. Here we are.

On a beautiful mountaintop.

I can't imagine anything more romantic.

August and Rodrigo are in separate rooms waiting alone, which means that each of you will have seven minutes in heaven to connect with each one of them one-on-one.

This could potentially be your last time together.

Because tonight, one of you will be going home.

Looks great.

Guess scouting was worth it.

Yeah, I guess it wasn't a complete waste of time.

August, uh, if this could be my last night with you, I just have to... uh, you are this stand-up great guy.

You have been since day one.

I always made fun of people who bought into this nonsense and, I don't know, maybe it's the stupid show talking, but...

I think that I'm falling for you.

Like, for real. So...

Oh, my God.

Oh God, that sounds, like, so crazy.

No... Hey, hey, no it's not... it's not crazy.

We've had a great time together.

And I really do... I think you're amazing.

You are a breath of fresh air.

Wow, Candi's going after him hard.

I hope you don't have a problem with that.

Trust me. A woman telling August she has feelings for him is the surest way to turn him off.

Yeah, nobody's bitter.

Wait, hold up, are you trying to get rid of Candi now?

Because that was not our deal.

Dude, don't worry about it, okay?

I have plans for Candi.

Oh, my God, what is he doing?

Come on, there used to be such a heat between us, such a passion, huh?

We need to see if it's still there.

No! Get off me!

Not exactly America's sweethearts, hmm?

W-What's wrong?

I don't have to sleep with you to prove how I feel about you.

Noelle, I didn't mean to... No, tonight, you can pick me or not.

I don't care.

You should be fighting for me.

Girl's got some fight left in her after all.

Yeah, it's a verbal de-balling... it's not exactly an aphrodisiac.

It's hard to believe, but some people actually like a woman who can express her real feelings.

That's not part of my plan.

Candi. Mm-hmm?

It is now time for you to enter Rodrigo's room.

No.

No, I don't have anything to say to that guy.

If he wants to talk, you can tell him to bring a life jacket.

Okay, I don't know what to do with that.

Um, well, this is a problem.

I'll handle it.

Things didn't go so well with Noelle, and now Candi refuses to see Rodrigo?

What am I supposed to do?

Pick the kindergarten teacher?

Come on, Rach!

I actually think it's pretty great that you and Noelle realized you're not right for each other.

Okay, great for you and me.

But I worry this is all you care about.

Thank God.

You're right.

I mean, like, my feelings for you have made it really hard for me to produce you.

Man, I should probably just listen to Tommy anyway...

What did he say? He had this crazy idea that you should pick Candi tonight.

Candi? Yeah.

No!

Look, she would never say no at an actual elimination ceremony.

Yeah, she just, like, wants to make the Final Four.

Besides, #Candrigo?

It's like the classic will-they-won't-they.

But look, it's up to you.

Yeah.

She is...

Way too good at her job.

"Seven minutes in heaven" was perfect.

I mean, Noelle's going home tonight.

I'm sorry, that's just where the guys landed, but at least we won't have to deal with her sad-sack self anymore.

We can go into the Final Four with a bang.

Well, you'll be creating that bang all by yourself.

What are you talking about?

I, um... I'm leaving the show.

What?

Effective immediately.

Hey, is this... is this about me?

It's about me.

I want to change.

I mean, you have been making the case all season that I don't get the show anymore the way that you and Tommy do.

And once my ego got over it, I realized you're right.

I never said you had to leave.

I never meant that.

Mm, yeah, you did.

But you should be running "Everlasting."

You and Tommy?

You're like me and Chet 2.0.

And this is what you wanted, right?

So I am not going to stand in the way of your dreams.

No, that's not what I s... Good luck, Rachel.

You're gonna be amazing at this.

_

Contestants are all set. Where's Quinn?

She quit. Right.

But seriously, where is she?

For real, dude, she quit. What?

What the hell, Rachel?

We have to push the ceremony and figure this out.

We're in the middle of a show.

Okay.

Well, I'm calling her... or Fiona to do something.

Okay, well, I know what you can do. Your job.

Oh, what, so you're just, like, automatically in charge?

You know what? If you don't like it, you can leave.

If you're staying, you can help produce the Elimination Ceremony.

It's up to you.

All right.

Let's do this, boss.

You got this.

Places, everybody.

And action, Graham.

What are you doing? What are you doing?

Rachel? Rachel?

What are you doing? What, is this a prank?

Put Mommy on the phone.

Quinn is officially off the show.

I'm the showrunner now.

She's gone? And no one told me?

It was probably too painful for her to say goodbye to me. Where did she go?

I don't know. The show must go on. Right, Dan?

Okay, Graham. All right, let's do this.

Tonight!

Ladies, are you ready for your close-ups?

Because these are the "Postcards from the Heart."

None of us have even seen these videos, so we're gonna be taking this journey together.

Okay, let's start with Sofia.

Who am I?

I'll spell it out for you.

"S" is for spontaneous.

"O" is for outrageous!

"F" is for fun!

Oh, my God. "I" is for intriguing, and "A" is for All-Star.

I'm Sofia!

Quinn, great to see you. Sorry to keep you waiting.

Thanks for staying so late. Fiona.

Oh, my God, Quinn, I saw that amazing picture that Chet posted with you and Chet Jr.

It's seriously so adorable!

I shared it, I liked it.

#StepmommiesRule, #MommyBoss.

You posted that?

#DeathByCuteness. #Quinning?

Let's, um, get this pitch started, shall we?

America, there is something that you might not know.

I have a giant heart and someone here on the show actually captured it.

Let's put that on TV and see where it goes.

Bravo.

Thank you. Gorgeous.

And now, America, we're down to our final video of the night.

Noelle.

I am grateful for this opportunity to speak.

My video ended up going somewhere I didn't expect, but this is what I think everyone here deserves to know.

This is our producer Rachel Goldberg.

We're told she's here to help us, to protect us.

But really, she's just here for herself.

Oh, my God.

Dan?!

She's beaming it from her own tablet.

There's no way to stop it. Oh, my G...

Oh, my God.

This is unbelievable.

All of us were told sluts get cut... except when the slut is the one pulling the strings.

How the hell did Noelle get all that footage?

Quinn.

Quinn, I got to say, I am...

I am really impressed by what you put together.

What a story.

We certainly think so.

Yeah, this is exactly the kind of project I've been pushing in our cable arm.

Only problem is, we've got two-time Oscar winner Aaron George developing something similar.

It's his first TV project. It's a major get.

Well, um, let's sit down with him and see if we can merge our ideas.

He'd certainly like Candi.

I'm sure he would love Candi.

But Aaron George isn't gonna sit down with you.

This was a great presentation, sure, but everyone knows it's not exactly your brand.

We are re-branding.

That's the point.

Hey, I saw "Hamilton" on Broadway.

Twice. Loved it.

Doesn't mean I can go home and write a hit musical.

But why not try this as a reality show?

With the fan love for Candi?

I'd buy that in a heartbeat.

Well, we're really not interested in working in that kind of thing...

Okay, so you throw it to Rachel and Tommy to run day-to-day.

You've already stepped back from "Everlasting," they could handle this, too.

Just think about it.

Oh, I will.

I will really think about it.

All right, everybody back to work!

Despite this sabotage, I am still your showrunner.

And if anyone has a problem with it, go ahead, you guys can just leave right now.

It's totally fine. Dan. What?

What's unemployment paying these days?

Uh... That's right, guys.

Let's reset. Let's sh**t this Elimination Ceremony in five!

How does it feel?

What?

To be slut-shamed at my place of business?

I mean, good looking out, Noelle.

You sure took woman-on-woman crime to a whole new level.

Are you actually trying to make me out to be the bad guy?

You invented woman-on-woman crime.

It's what this whole show is about, right?

I know what you did.

You're lucky I didn't show the real footage of what you let Roger do to me on that screen for all those people to see, but I wasn't about to re-victimize Maya or myself.

A guy basically coped a feel while you were drunk and suddenly you're the avenger for victims everywhere?

Quinn told me what happened to you, how you must be reliving your own trauma.

She had no right to tell you that.

She was actually trying to defend your behavior.

For some reason, she cares about you.

And maybe that is the reason you act the way you do or maybe it's just a convenient excuse.

I may not be ready to go public with my story, but I will never exploit people the way you do.

I will never turn out like you.

Tonight, we will know who our Final Four All-Stars are.

August.

There's only one person who's been open and honest with me.

The truth is, I really like you, Candi, and I want to be with you.

Hell yes!

Take that, America!

Thatta girl.

Noelle, I have been blind to what is right in front of me.

This is my time to fight for you.

You deserve that.

Good for her.

Well, bad for you.

Your chances of winning just got cut in half.

Ohh.

I'm your boss now.

You better start showing me some loyalty.

You know what, Rachel?

I am totally fine losing one of my girls.

Because what Noelle put up on that screen is the truth!

So stop trying to ruin all of us with your damage, and seek help for that demented little brain.

That loyal enough for you?

There you have it, America... our Final Four.

But tune in next week for an explosively romantic finale!

Are you kidding me right now?! Hello?!

O h, oh, oh, of course. Of course.

Tommy, I need you to, uh, pull Noelle and, you know, get some dumb-ass footage of her to air for broadcast.

Get her to spout off some vanilla nonsense, you know, I really don't care what it is.

Copy that.

Can't exactly air the other one, huh?

Hey, you know what?

Screw Fiona.

That presentation k*lled!

I know.

And you know, maybe "Stripper Queens" can be reality.

W-We could, you know, give it to Rachel and Tommy.

Let somebody else work for our money.

We don't need that day-to-day bullshit.

Hey...

Rachel will come back to you.

And what if she doesn't?

Then...

... we move on.

We got a life.

We're gonna have a real kid.

You're gonna be a mom.

And everything else is gonna look like road k*ll in the rearview mirror.

Trust me.

Listen, I uh... I want to talk about...

No, we don't have to talk.

I mean, like, I know it's over.

It never really started.

And now you've seen in bright lights, on the big screen, what everyone thinks of me.

Who I really am.

Rachel, I know who you are.

I've always known.

I don't care about Noelle's video.

I don't care about whatever you've done, whatever makes you feel you have to keep moving forward.

We're the same, Rachel.

I-I've never met anybody who makes me feel so... so invincible, like we can do anything.

We can get away with anything.

I love who we are together.

I love you.

And everything you've done only makes me love you more.

And I want to keep watching you do it forever.

What's this?

My producer bonus.

You won.

Come here.

Marry me.

Rachel?

Just say something.

_