04x08 - Sudden Death

[bunniefuu]

August is like the perfect sperm donor.

I'll be the dad.

This is our child.

I'm not gonna sugarcoat the situation.

At your age, chances of a live birth are around 5%.

5%.

Some women are not meant to be mothers, and you're one of 'em.

This is about my family, and that's not you.

Mm. It's okay.

Get off of her!

The second that we heard the screams, we all ran into the control room.

That's not even true. I have the proof, Jay.

You doctored the footage.

Maya was, like, full-on obsessed with Roger.

Lock her up! Lock her up!

To hell with being a producer.

You're the suitress.

This video's going somewhere I didn't expect.

This is our producer Rachel Goldberg.

She's just here for herself.

Marry me.

I want out.

Okay, now that Quinn's gone, we can finally get down to business.

Set this place up for maximum efficiency... move in a king size bed right here.

Yeah! I mean, we can be America's, you know, first two-person Reality TV sweatshop.

No, I'm serious.

All this time wasted commuting, eating, sleeping.

I'm just saying, we should be packing in as much development and production in the next couple years before we have kids.

Kids?

You're so easy.

We can talk about kids later. It's not a deal breaker.

Listen, I was, um, picking up the rings from our diamond guy for the finale, and, uh...

Well, I, uh, I got you this.

Tommy, you shouldn't have.

I want to weigh that finger down.

You okay?

I just never thought that I would be this girl.

Uh, sorry to interrupt whatever is, uh...

Is that one of the rings for the finale?

Uh, yeah. No.

Yeah. Right. Okay.

Uh, the network's here, and Fiona scares me, so...

All right, listen.

Quinn might have treated you guys like children, but a 20-share is grown up people numbers.

Mm. Well, I'm glad that we could deliver for you.

You're halfway there.

The board is happy about the 20, but no one's really buying the spinoff of the winning couple, "Happily Everlasting."

Really? I, um...

I thought that was a done deal.

It is. Ish.

It's been a balls-out season, but there's not exactly a great romance to root for.

You see my problem?

Well, uh, you know, true love in a hurry on steroids is our speciality. Uh-huh. Yeah, sure.

We can deliver you a real-ass couple with our eyes closed.

But what's in it for us?

How about a job next season?

Not a bad first offer.

What the hell do you want, then?

A five-year deal.

Rachel can showrun. I'll back her up.

I don't care what my title is as long as we can do it together.

Wait. So you guys are a team now?

Like officially? No, no, no. This is insane.

Okay? Rachel's an actual criminal.

And I've been here an eon longer than butt chum Tommy. Okay, Jay.

You owe me the love stories.

But... if you can put a cherry on top, bust our ratings record, and get me a 21-share, I'll give you a three-year deal.

Oh, my G...

That works.

All right. Get on it, then.

Wait! Madison, wait.

Let me explain. I didn't mean for any of this to happen, but Rachel and I are...

I am breaking up with you, Tommy Castelli!

Effective immediately!

... engaged.

Rachel and I are engaged.

Sorry.

I-I really should have told you first.

You just made the biggest mistake of your life.

You pissed off the Junior Vice President of Current Non-Scripted at VCN.

Good luck at this network. Or anywhere else.

I have a lot of friends in this town... a lot of friends... in a lot of places.

Hey, Fiona, you have a second?

What's up?

Bonnie and Clyde in there ain't the only ones you need to keep sweet.

Really? Is that some kind of a thr*at?

Pick up "Passport to Dance" for a second season, and we're all good.

And why in the hell would I do that?

Well, because if you don't, I'm gonna go tell the press that I'm the producer who filed that complaint, that I made it directly to you, and you swept the entire, fetid-ass thing under the rug.

This makes me incredibly sad, Jay.

No, no no no. You don't get to be sad.

Okay? This is outrage.

It makes me sad that you feel so invisible, you have to stoop to these assholes' level to get ahead.

These assholes are winning. On your watch.

These assholes are bringing me ratings.

I'm pretty sure you started erasing yourself a long time ago.

Is season two of a failing dance show really the best you think you can do?

What else did you have in mind?

Find some self-respect, start thinking bigger.

No one else is gonna do that for you.

You were right.

I am, like, so far gone.

I just screwed up.

Big time. Can... Can I come in?

Really not a good time.

Can I just say something?

Can I just say that, like, everything that I did with Noelle and Maya, I...

I'm just having a really hard time living with myself.

I mean, my hair is falling out.

I'm, like, sick.

And, um, I'm really ready to change.

Really? Are you sure? Yeah.

Because, I mean, as far as I can tell, you're still the same lost, self-indulgent, spoiled brat you were the day I met you.

No, come on, Quinn.

Seriously, come on. I am serious.

Okay? It never ends with you.

You love feeling bad.

You roll around in it like a pig in sh*t.

You wanted that stupid cabin, I helped you get that cabin.

Then you wanted to put a ring on it, and as ballistically mental as that was, look!

I... Crazy Rachel got that, too.

So what now? You having cold feet?

No. I'm just trying to make things right.

I mean, come on. Isn't this what you wanted?

I am so sick and... and deeply tired of you pretending to be a better person than you are.

You are a bad person, Rachel Goldberg.

You do bad things.

And so do I.

But at least I admit it.

Quinn, I am admitting it. Okay?

That's why I'm here. Yeah, well, it's too late.

I finally realized what everybody else has known about you for a very long time.

And what's that? That you are a bad bet.

I have an actual life to live.

I am out of the Rachel Goldberg business for good.

Come on! What do you want?

You want me on my hands and knees, groveling?

It wouldn't hurt, because at least you'd be committing to something.

Come on, Quinn. How is this not enough?

You wanted to be the showrunner.

Now you are the stinking showrunner.

So why don't you grow up and go run your show?

Quinn!

Please let me in!

Quinn King!

Come back here!

I am not done talking to you!

Hey.

How are we supposed to make America care about these couples?

I don't care about them.

All right. Forget about the couples.

And forget about romance.

Uh, we sorta promised Fiona...

No. We promised Fiona a 21-share.

And we are never gonna get there with romance.

I mean, we have had a kick-ass season of shitshows all year.

Why are we gonna give up on that right now?

You okay?

Yeah. I'm great.

I'm great. I figured it out.

Yeah? How do we Tr*mp r*pe?

Quinn is pregnant with August's baby.

Wait. What? Mm-hmm.

Are you... Are you serious? Yep.

The EP getting knocked up by a contestant?

That's expectant mother of all shitshows right there.

And you'd be willing to...

You know there's no way back from that.

For you and Quinn.

There is no me and Quinn anymore.

Tin coffee pots and iron coffee pots, they're no use to me.

Okay, people, we just need to sh**t a brief intro to the last challenge... So hurry up and wait, right?

Ugh! I'm so over this place.

It should only take a few minutes.

We just need Rachel, our new showrunner, to give us some guidance.

Let's go. If I can't have a proper cup of coffee from a proper copper coffee pot...

Graham, Graham, Graham. Yes, what?

Wow. Really trying to work here.

Yeah. As am I, buddy. Respect my process.

What the hell is going on? Thank you for showing up.

What's going on? We have a finale to produce!

I mean, why is everybody standing around with their d*ck in their hands? Wow. Nice. All class.

Oh, I'm sorry. Do you have something you wanna say?

Think I said everything I need to.

Oh, really? So then why don't you get on your mark, you whiny, little bitch?

Whoa, Rachel. Let's just take a breather here.

Oh, don't tell me what to do!

Why aren't you starting your intro?

Would you like a written invitation?

No. I'm just waiting for an "action." Action!

Yo! Satisfied?

Seriously? You guys think that you can put on a finale without me?

Go right ahead. I don't need this sh*t!

Whoa, whoa. Rachel.

Okay. Well, uh, it's five hours early, but that's lunch, I guess?

You want to know what's worse than playing golf with three fat, old white men?

Losing to three fat, old white men.

That's it. I am handing in my clubs.

I quit.

You okay, kiddo?

Um, I had my Level 2 anatomy scan this morning.

What?

Why didn't you tell me? We could've gone in together.

Mm, you know how I have my weird things... that I like to do alone?

This was just one of them.

There is something wrong with...

Okay. Well, we'll just, uh... we'll take it one step at a time...

No.

There's something really wrong.

It probably wouldn't make it to term.

But if it does, it wouldn't live long, and it would suffer.

It is our decision if we want to proceed with the pregnancy, but...

I think there's only one thing we can do, right?

Right?

Right.

I'm so sorry.

Don't... answer that.

Give us a few moments together to grieve this.

What?

Rachel's locked herself in the bathroom.

She's refusing to come out. I tried everything.

I told the grips to remove the door, but when they unscrewed the hinges, she started to scream.

She's having a total meltdown.

Well, if Rachel can't do her job, then maybe this is your big sh*t, Boy Scout.

No. I-I can't call a live finale. I'm a games guy.

I've never done anything close to this.

Well, you know what? How is this my problem?

Listen, Quinn.

The contestants have all turned on Rachel.

After Noelle's video, she's a friggin' pariah.

I'm... I'm actually worried she's gonna hurt herself.

Hang that up.

Fine.

Okay. Just try and wring the piss out of your pants before I get there.

I'm... I'm on my way.

So I'm just supposed to stay here?

Deal with this on my own?

I'm so sorry... that I let us get carried away.

Quinnie.

I have to go to work.

What, Rachel Goldberg locked herself in a bathroom? That's a new one.

We were off the rails when you left.

Now the rails are completely gone.

Ugh. I'm here. Step aside.

Hello! Are you done in there?

I gotta drop a deuce.

Shut up.

Yep. Sorry.

All right, go. Get outta here.

I heard you were having a meltdown.

I wouldn't call it that, but...

Well, you can call it whatever you want.

Just snap out of it.

I'm here to whip this crippled cr*ck horse across the finish line, so I am gonna need your crazy ass off my set.

Yeah, why don't you go see if, uh, set dec needs some help finalizing the location for the live finale?

But that's a PA's job.

Unless the PA's curled up in a fetal position on the shitter.

Fine.

All right!

Back to work! Here we go!

Making up for Rachel's crazy time once again.

And the Oscar goes to...

My meltdown worked, got her back here.

We'll have her waiting in the wings, we'll drop the b*mb, we'll push her out on live TV.

This is huge for us, Rach. It'll make our careers.

So you didn't really quit.

It was just like more of a 14-hour lunch break.

Oh, you're being judgy. That's cute.

It's perfect timing for me, actually, because now I'm quitting.

What?

You better not be serious.

As a heart att*ck, Quinn.

Okay, look.

I know you think that you hate it here...

Hmm. ... but step away for one second into the real world, and you will be bored brainless.

No. Trust me.

There is nothing out there.

No. That's not what this is about, Quinn.

I know that this has been a disgustingly awful season, but I am back, and I think you're gonna like me a lot more by the end of tonight.

What are you planning?

I am gonna make things right.

So stick with me through tonight, and watch.

And if you still wanna quit at the end of it, then we'll talk.

Contestants are ready.

You calling it?

Yes, yes.

All right, here we go! Let's do this!

I'm so glad you're back, Quinn.

Don't know if you know this or not, but I never think of the audience when I'm delivering my cerebral repartee.

I'm only doing it for you.

Aw, that touches me.

Right in my bile duct.

See, we have a thing here.

Yeah. I guess we kinda do.

All right, move, guys, move!

Clear the set! Action!

This is the final challenge of the season.

And before America votes for which "Everlasting" couple will be able to build a life together, we'd like to see which couple can build a home together.

America, welcome to Starter Home of Love.

And cut! All right. It's magic time, boys.

Go see if you can fix an entire season of screw ups in 3 hours and make me believe in love.

All right?

And action! Lookit.

I spent every summer doing construction. I can handle this.

Well, I spent the last 8 years doing "single mom."

I can handle anything.

What the hell are you doing?

You just sawed our front door in half!

No, mi amor.

Your grandmother's house had a Dutch door, right?

So I make one for you.

You remembered that?

Oh, I've been paying more attention than you think.

Nicely done, schmaltz pimps.

Giving Rodrigo a vag*na... that's an interesting touch.

And how long before I can call construction in here to finish the job so we can go back inside?

'Cause I'm freezing my ass off!

Five more minutes. I was gonna say one.

Perfect.

Hey. How's it going with Rodrigo?

He's k*lling it.

Ready to win Future Husband of the year.

How's the ballroom? Oh, uh, yeah.

The ballroom's looking great, yeah. It's, uh, you know.

There's, like, a lot of chandeliers to sh**t through and some balconies for camera angles.

I think it's gonna be perfect for the finale.

Um, look. I gotta go. I love you.

I love you, too.

I need to make a call!

What the hell are you doing here, Rachel?

I came to get you out of this hell pit.

You interested?

Okay. Yeah.

It's pouring, but fine.

It was the great Luther Vandross who taught us that a house is not a home if there's no one there to hold you tight...

Come on. Graham!

... and kiss goodnight. Stop already!

Now he just ruined Luther Vandross for me.

But tonight, each of our couples will have a chance to warm their hearth with their very first home-cooked meal.

Will there be a proposal on the menu?

Let's find out.

Okay. Where's that umbrella?

Just freezing my ass off.

I have many beautiful things for my beautiful lady.

Pork chops, yes?

What your grandmother cooked for us on our hometown date.

Remember?

Rodrigo, just stop.

Is not okay? Rodrigo makes mistake?

Just... This all feels produced.

Duh. Duh.

I know I screwed up this season.

But I screwed up long before, too.

Look.

I have ring... for the right woman this time.

Is not to marry me.

Though if you want to, it's perfect.

I mean, I say yes right away.

I'm not asking you to marry me!

I know! I know. I know.

And I'm not asking you that, either.

Not yet.

Then what is he asking her?

All I can ask you for is a second chance.

Noelle, let me prove you I might deserve to ask you again.

Yeah? Yeah.

And there's your "Happily Everlasting" spinoff.

Oh, my gosh. You spend the whole year jet-setting around the world with Rodrigo trying to prove his worth.

That is p*rn for the demo.

Yeah, so is the take-no-prisoners feminist Barbie that is Candi Coco.

And at least August has an accent that you can understand. Right?

Ugh. I tried your Vegemite.

That stuff is nasty.

It's an acquired taste.

That I do not plan to acquire.

So I cooked up a Miami favorite.

Ah. Cuban style.

And, um, six beers, because, you know, Australia.

Thank you. Yeah.

That looks so good. But, um, if we're gonna do this, you should know that my son is everything to me.

I do know that.

Candi, I love that about you.

No, seriously.

Having a kid, it changes you.

The world, it just... it means more.

You okay, Quinn?

Didn't peg you for the sentimental type.

Yeah. I'm fine. I'm just...

I feel bad that people have to watch this crap.

Oh. And that's the only reason that I'm even going down this road with you, August.

I think that you would be a really great dad.

Thank you.

Oh, we should FaceTime the kid during the live finale.

No! All right? It's enough with the kid.

Just leave it alone.

Hey.

How's the location?

You, uh, calm yourself down there, crazy pants?

Yeah. I'm all good. Thanks.

Um, how's it going around here?

Shockingly well without you, Goldberg.

All right, guys. Why don't you get out there and get everyone ready for the live finale?

You ready? Yeah.

You got Rodrigo. I'll prep August.

Let's do this.

Hey, August.

Can I talk to you for a second? Definitely not.

I have absolutely nothing to say to you for the rest of my life.

All right. Well, this is different. Oh, yeah.

You're gonna want to hear what I have to say.

You were great out there, buddy.

Oh. You and Noelle are a lock.

Mm-hmm. Good thing, too.

I'd hate to see a scumbag like August win this thing.

August?

What do you mean?

He seems okay.

I thought so, too, but then I found out he slept with Quinn.

She's pregnant with his baby.

Wait. Quinn?

Poor Candi doesn't even know.

I mean, you may not be her biggest fan, but still, she doesn't deserve this.

She actually likes August.

She wants to introduce him to her kid.

What? No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That's why I'm pulling for you and Noelle.

What you guys have is real.

Ladies, hello!

How are you? You look beautiful. Let's go.

Gentlemen! Looking fantastic. Let's do this!

The big finale and all that. Ooh. Mi amor.

A million dollars.

Excited?

Hey, guys. Good luck.

I'm so excited, guys.

Good luck.

Someone should burn this place to the ground.

Good luck tonight, Rachel.

Thanks.

I might need it.

Guys! Are we doing this?

The vans are leaving.

Welcome to "Everlasting's All-Stars"

Final Four Live Finale.

I gotta tell you, folks, this is the most exciting finale yet.

Because, for the first time, we are taking away the decision-making from our contestants and entrusting it to the wisdom of you, America.

Wow. With a million dollars on the line and millions of votes cast, fan-favorite Noelle and international soccer stud Rodrigo versus Aussie August and sassy stripper Candi.

So, let me guess, Game Boy.

You're gonna tell me that I have to let America vote, and then I have to do whatever the stupid computer says.

Oh, no. That computer's not hooked up to anything.

Really?

With a million dollars on the line?

Well, I've learned a thing or two since Episode One.

I'll say. So don't tell me... your girl Noelle is gonna go all the way?

Well, that was the plan, but I think we can all agree that Candi's the real star.

Damn straight. ... television!

We gotta go, guys. Rodrigo, Noelle, What already? please go upstairs. Thank you very much. Okay.

Okay. Candi, August, we really need you upstairs. Okay.

We're live, like, right now. Candi, let's go.

Uh...

Hey.

Hey.

Good luck out there.

Thanks. Candi?

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for Noelle and Rodrigo!

August and Candi!

We are down to the wire here, folks, and with only 40 seconds left.

America, I know usually your vote doesn't count.

But tonight, it just might.

Ladies and gentlemen, pick up the phone.

Call or text your vote. Hey, Quinn.

Speak up and let your voice be heard. How you doing?

Oh. Uh, I'm okay.

Ferns from out on Route 1.

You know, our spot.

Are you okay?

I'm happy to be with you.

Just 10 seconds left to vote.

Count with me, will you?

Six, five, four, three, two, one!

And the winner of the grand prize of a million dollars, and the new stars of "Happily Everlasting" are...

August and Candi!

Whoa!

That's better.

Thank you, America! I am so rich! Yes!

Rodrigo and Noelle, they say that everything has its time.

And now, it is time for me to tell you that your cars are waiting.

August and... No! No, no, no, no, no!

Okay. August is cheater!

He's tricking Candi, like he... he tricks America!

This whole game is rigged! Rigged?

The game is not rigged, folks. Trust me. Gimme the mic.

August only wins because he slept with the showrunner, Quinn King!

Okay! All right, all right.

Eh? And now, she has his baby!

Oh, please.

No one's gonna believe that. Ladies and gentlemen.

You're telling us that our showrunner, Quinn King, slept with a contestant... Oh, for God's sake.

... and is pregnant with his child? What the hell is this?

I don't know, I mean, but we're live!

You gotta get down there.

You have to shut it down! No! Not gonna happen.

Just cut to commercial, Quinn.

No. I got this, Chet. I got it.

Okay, Rodrigo. Come on. This is a family show.

Wow. k*lling Mommy.

Guess there was no one else left.

It's a lie. It's his baby! Okay, hold on.

Ho-Ho-Hold on! Listen, America!

This is it, Rach. Here comes our 21.

I speak the truth.

August and Quinn make a baby!

Hey, gimme that! Come on.

Folks, it's live TV. What can I say?

This must be what it felt like when you're Walter Cronkite and you get that phone call that JFK, you know...

Excuse me. ... got sh*t or we pretended to land on the moon.

Excuse me.

Oh. Everybody, Quinn King!

Hi. Uh, good evening, everyone.

I am Quinn King, the showrunner of "Everlasting."

And I am sorry, Rodrigo, but you have been conned into telling our audience a total lie.

I mean, I have never touched August, and I am certainly not pregnant.

Camera on August now. Here we go.

Quinn's telling the truth, we never laid a hand on each other.

What? Why is he denying it?

I thought you talked to him.

I did. I don't know why he's doing this.

And sadly, I'm afraid, Rodrigo, that you were just the latest victim of a rogue producer who broke a lot of rules this season.

But now is the time to hold this producer accountable. No.

No, no. We've got to stop her.

You see what she's doing? Rachel, wake up.

You're the rogue producer. She's taking you down.

Now is the time... I know.

... to set the record straight.

Maya did not att*ck Roger because she is some jealous, crazed psycho.

He date-r*ped her on their first season.

And the night she att*cked him, he was trying to do the same thing to Noelle.

But you don't have to take my word for it.

You ready?

Can we show the unedited footage of that night, please?

Oh, my God, Rachel.

We can't just sit here. I'm telling Dan to stop it.

Tommy, no. Just let it play.

Rachel! Okay? This is right.

The truth is, our producer set this all up and encouraged Maya to confront Roger, knowing that she had PTSD and might go over the edge.

Get off of her!

Noelle?

Thank you, uh, Quinn.

Like many other victims of sexual as*ault, I was ashamed.

And I was persuaded by this producer to stay quiet.

But Maya is not the villain in this story... she's the hero.

You need to get out of here now.

This is the end of your career or worse.

Good. I deserve it.

Maya, everyone!

I am proud to say that I've reported everything to the police.

Roger is being detained.

And make no mistake, they will prosecute.

We can figure it out. We can... We can blame Quinn.

Tommy.

... but is confident... she will win it. I told her to do it.

What are you talking about?

You don't want a future with me, okay?

I mean, you love all of the terrible things that I've done, but I don't.

I-I can't be this person anymore.

Rachel, you made those decisions, I backed you all the way. We were a great team, we still are... This show is making me physically ill.

Okay? I'm a junkie. I have to cut my arm off.

I mean, Quinn's only doing it for me because I don't have the balls to do it myself.

... I was struggling.

Rodrigo, I...

You wouldn't have loved the real me, anyway.

You never gave me the chance.

Thank you, Maya and Noelle, for sharing your truths.

But now, it is time for us to share our truth with America.

The name of the rogue producer who put these women at risk and tried to publicly shame them for the sake of money and ratings is...

Tommy Castelli.

What?

We have taken swift action, and Mr. Castelli... Me?

... will be... You set me up?

No! ... terminated...

No, no. That's not the way it was supposed to go.

It was supposed to be me, not you!

I was the one person you weren't supposed to lie to.

It wasn't about you! It was supposed to be me!

Oh, my God. ... and there will be consequences.

You really are a monster.

What an incredible end to an incredible journey.

You know, this is the first time in the storied history of "Everlasting"... not only do we have two winners, we have four.

Maya and Noelle have won back their dignity from a sexual predator.

And August and Candi have won a million dollars and a job on TV, which you can see next season, called "Happily Everlasting."

So good night, America, and good luck.

And that's a wrap.

That is some Hosting Olympics.

I'm gonna put that on my Emmy reel.

Great.

How could you do that?

That wasn't our plan.

You were supposed to make things right.

And I did.

You were supposed to put the g*n to my head!

I could never do that to you, Rachel.

Never.

Catching you at a bad time?

Helluva finale you left me with.

Advertisers are climbing over each other to pull out first, distance themselves from the train wreck.

I didn't leave you with any of that. Okay?

This was classic Quinn saving Rachel in the least-surprising move of the season.

Yeah, well... she's her ride or die.

You're damn straight. And I'm here to get mine.

Black q*eer Power Unite.

I just presided over the demise of a 13-year-old ratings juggernaut.

Not sure how much value I'd be.

Come on, we both know they're gonna push your ass out the door with a production company deal.

Let me run it for you.

'Cause, girl, like you said, I can do so much better than this low-brow crap.

And so can you.

Fiona! Fiona, I just...

I wanted you to know how much working for you has meant to me.

And with everything in flux here, if I happen to find myself available in the near future, I would love to go with you... wherever you might go.

Mm.

What do you think, Jay?

Yeah. I don't really think it's a good fit.

He's the boss.

Congratulations.

I mean, you know, I always said that you should be running this place.

I think we should go get a drink sometime.

Sorry, Maddie. Mine's one d*ck you can't suck.

I'm so proud of you, belissima.

Oh. Thank you.

You ready for Miami, Dundee?

Hey.

I'm glad you came around, made things right.

Take care of yourself, Rachel.

Good night. Thanks for all your work.

Here.

I baked it.

I mean, I-I wouldn't eat it, but I made it.

Well, thank you.

I'm so sorry.

I love her.

Me, too.

I like your hair.

There was nothing wrong with the baby, was there?

Doesn't matter.

I wasn't meant to be a mother.

So, did you do it?

It's all done.

I just... I don't think there's any way that we're coming back from this one.

Good.

We can do better.