03x02 - Stuck with Rachel's Secret

[bunniefuu]

Can someone pass the dressing?

Sorry. Rachel was supposed to be there.

Okay, that's it.

We've lost the ranch, two rolls, and the butter.

It's time to say what we've all been trying to ignore.

It's weird Rachel's gone.

Harley's right; we're a Diaz down.

Things just aren't the same.

Dancing With My Dad?

More like Dancing With My Dud.

Am I right?

Hey, check out this phone bill.

For the first time ever, we didn't go over our family minutes.

I miss Rachel.

Hey, Rachel, you know the makeup you told me not to touch?

Overseas yelling. Not the same.

I never thought I would say this, but this family feels too small.

Without Rachel here to tell us to shut up, I feel like we have nothing to talk about.

We all miss Rachel, but we need to stay positive.

I knew the day would come when one of my little chickadees would fly the nest, tearing out my heart, and leaving a big, giant hole in the family.

Come on, Suzie, you're better than this.

Okay.

Rachel was the oldest and most experienced, but with her leaving is an opportunity for the rest of you to flourish.

Oh, flourish, yes.

Especially you, Georgie.

Say what?

You've been in Rachel's shadow a long time. Not anymore.

Finally you get to be captain of something... Team Diaz.

I'm gonna make you a T-shirt.

Do we still do that? Do we still make T-shirts for everything?

This is your chance to shine.

Shine. Yes.

What are you doing?

Moving your bed to where Rachel's was.

You're taking on the responsibility, you deserve the perks.

The window view, corner all to yourself.

Furthest down one from Lewie and Beast.

But I'm not ready to be the captain of the family.

I'm usually the person who sits next to the captain and hands out water.

And you do an excellent job.

No one is ever thirsty at your games.

I take hydration very seriously. Because you care.

And now that you have the chance to step up, I know you'll shine here, too.

I don't know if you've been paying attention all these years, but generally, I don't shine.

I crash and burn.

What if I crash and burn our family?

Uh-oh. Georgie's showing all the warning signs of a spiral.

We need someone to pull her out fast.

Hey, Rach...

Oh, yeah.

That's right.

Looks like this one's on me.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin, let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

Rachel hosed me by leaving early.

I'm used to practicing before Coach puts me in, and he never puts me in.

Oh, boy, here comes the spiral.

Oh, good idea. Smack some sense into me. Right here.

No. It's a massager.

I was going to offer you a calming sister massage to help you relax.

Look, Rachel's just a normal human being.

She puts her pants on one leg at a time.

Except for that weird pair of pants.

Or maybe it was a skirt.

Whatever it was, she made it work.

She made a lot of things work.

She told the truth to a fault, she wasn't afraid to stand up to Mom and Dad, and she was the one who always got us out of trouble.

I promise, you've got this older sibling thing, and I'm going to do what scientists do best... prove it.

I don't know if I trust you. This massager is terrible.

Full disclosure, I originally designed it as a pooper scooper.

Eww!

Feast your eyes. The family blackmail book.

For years, Rachel used it for evil, and it's up to us to continue that tradition.

The best part is, no one knows that this book is completely empty.

Turns out you don't actually have to have dirt on your family.

People thinking you have dirt is all the dirt that you need.

If it isn't our first victim.

Whatcha got there, candy hands?

Oh, this is for Chloe, that girl I've been hanging out with.

I need things to go better than last time, when I made her cry.

Well, it helps that you set a low bar.

Thank you. I checked out her social media, and found out this is her favorite.

No wonder. Swiss chocolate is so delicious.

Now hand it over and be on your way.

I'm not gonna give you... I think you are.

Ethan!

Have you seen my favorite mug?

Somehow, it was less humiliating getting shaken down by an older sister.

Ugh, it's got almonds.

Eh, I'll eat around them.

Anybody see my spit bucket?

What are we doing?

Proving that you can fill Rachel's shoes.

Sure, she has some skills, but I'm confident you have them, too.

Does Mom know her bedroom curtains are out here?

Focus. And no, she doesn't.

You are about to be confronted by a series of potential real-life scenarios I've dubbed

"WWRD... What Would Rachel Do?"

Challenge number one...

"Tough Love."

Here's the scene.

It's morning, and Ethan's heading out to school.

What would Rachel do?

Check out the E-man.

New jacket. What do you think?

It's maybe not my favorite, but I could be wrong.

I mostly wear sweats, so what do I know?

No, Georgie, you're Rachel. Tough love.

Right, sorry.

I'd maybe change.

I know you have some really nice... any other jacket but that one to wear.

But I feel good.

I look fly. The ladies are gonna love it.

Then again, if it makes you happy.

Wrong answer.

But I don't want him to feel bad.

That's why he needs the Rachel-style tough love.

Last time he wore this to school, this happened.

"Loser"? That makes two of us.

Don't worry.

You've still got plenty more challenges to redeem yourself.

Do we really need to talk through this curtain?

How else am I supposed to do a big reveal?

Now, sometimes we need to tell Mom and Dad things they don't wanna hear.

We could always rely on Rachel for that.

Challenge number two...

"Truth To Power."

Here's the scene.

Mom served tuna casserole three nights in a row, and she's pulling a fourth one out of the freezer.

What would Rachel do?

Hey, kids, you know what I've got a hankering for?

Tuna casserole.

Oh, look, I've got one right here.

Mom, I'm really sorry, but...

Rachel doesn't say sorry, Rachel.

I'm not sorry, but we've already had it a bunch of times this week, and honestly, no one really likes...

This isn't a restaurant. I know, but it's the fourth...

Do you know how exhausted I am?

I am a busy mom with seven kids.

Oh, here, let me take that from you.

I'll go put it in the oven.

What?!

The possibilities of this book are endless, and we've barely tapped into its potential.

Before we're done, we're going to have all of Harley's inventions.

All of Georgie's participation trophies.

And all of Ethan's...

Well, Ethan doesn't have much, but whatever he has, we're taking it.

Who's the dummy now?

Blank?

I can't believe I fell for it all these years.

I'm calling Rachel.

She owes me, like, $900, and at least 12 hours with the remote.

Beast!!

Fine. I'll share some of the almonds from my spit bucket.

The final challenge tests the Rachel skill you'll need the most.

Hogging the shower? Dating dangerous boys?

Both good guesses, but no.

We're a family that does a lot of stuff we're not supposed to, and Rachel could always get us out of it.

The final challenge... "Think Fast."

Here's the scene.

Mom went to the store and left us in charge of Lewie and Beast, but you come downstairs and find this.

What would Rachel do?

What's going on back there?

Just need a minute.

Before you get mad, hear us out.

I get that you're Lewie, but why are you green?

How else are we gonna sneak up on frogs?

Mom told us we could all go to the movies tonight, but not if she comes home to find this. What are you gonna do?

Uh... Mom's coming up the stairs.

Come on, you can do this. Think fast.

Nice hustle. Have a sip of water.

What was that? My comfort zone.

Cut me some slack. I'm out of my element, although hydration is very important.

I got it.

Sorry. A marathon shower.

The paint can said kid friendly.

Only if the kid wants to be green for two weeks.

Well, kudos to you on your science experiment.

You proved I'm a disaster as Diaz team captain.

Those exercises weren't easy.

And maybe you didn't k*ll it on all of them...

Any of them. Any of them.

But it's crazy to think you could suddenly become Rachel.

It took her 18 years.

You just need to practice. Hey, guys.

You know that girl I've been hanging out with?

Chloe? I'm not sure what's going on with her.

Sounds like you have a problem, and look, here's someone who can help.

I don't know. Relationships are more Rachel's thing.

It's the middle of the night in Paris.

You could call her in the morning.

Seems like a long time to wait.

Maybe someone else can figure out what would Rachel do.

Lay it on me.

Okay, so I brought Chloe a thoughtful gift from our kitchen.

I brought you something.

A box of crackers.

Yeah, I didn't know what kind would be your favorite, so I got you assorted.

Oh, that's...

That's... what?

Who knows? She trailed off before she finished.

She does it all the time.

Check it. I scored us tickets to the Jam Slam Seven.

Boy... sometimes you're just... so... uh...

You're, uh...

Does she love me, does she hate me?

Nobody knows, because the girl doesn't finish her sentences.

Obviously, we all know what's going on.

She trails off because she's thinking something not nice, and doesn't wanna say it.

Finding that out is gonna be crushing.

Glad I'm not Georgie.

Time for some tough love like we practiced.

What would Rachel do?

She's, uh...

Your jacket's butt ugly, tuna casserole stinks, we're going to the movies, green paint or not.

What?!

How about some water, champ?

Sorry.

Okay, Rachel will be up in six hours. Who wants cocoa?

So we're gonna pretend that didn't just happen?

I think it's for the best.

You're a girl.

What do you think's going on with Chloe?

I...

Let's see.

Um...

Oh, no, it's spreading.

Now I understand Georgie's flip-out.

Tough love is harder than it looks.

Think, Harley. What would Rachel do?

What would Rachel do?

Wake up and smell the shame.

Chloe's not finishing her sentences, because if she did, they would destroy you.

What you're missing is a straight-up dissing.

Uh-oh. Look at his face.

I went too far. I out-Racheled Rachel.

Should I give him a hug? I feel like I should give him a hug.

I'm gonna give him a hug.

You're absolutely right.

I am?

Thanks, Harls.

It's nice to have some truth bombs back in the family.

That's me, the truth bomber.

She hates you. Glad I could help.

Now that we've had our invisible tea, let's talk business.

We've got a problem, and his name is Beast.

His yapping about the blackmail book took the only power we've ever had in this family.

He's a loose cannon.

What's to say he won't t*nk our next scheme?

True, but I love the kid.

We go back a long way.

Almost since birth.

So what do we do?

Move over. We've got issues.

A conundrum.

You know who's great with conundrums? Georgie.

Well, you're older than us, and you're here.

I'm older than you, I'm here.

Yeah, so's the lamp.

Anyways, here's the thing.

Hey, guys, what's going on?

Just chatting.

We have a... three-legged stool, and one of the legs is a great leg, but it's really wobbly.

Totally collapses under the least bit of pressure, which makes it impossible for the other two legs to do their thing.

Glad you guys have taken an interest in furniture.

Uh, thinking fast like an older sibling does when they're solving problems.

I say yank the weak leg off.

And so it shall be done.

Can I be the one that yanks the leg off?

You'll definitely be involved.

Now, how about nobody asks any more questions, and we leave all the drama to the Shouty Housewives of New England?

Cool.

This is nice sitting here as a family, watching angry women throw chairs.

Aww, look at that.

I was worried when Rachel left, it would be chaos, but they're having so much fun.

I don't know how you did it.

Actually, I didn't.

You're also more modest than our last Diaz team captain.

Tonight, the biggest piece of tuna casserole goes to you.

Oh, boy, did I dodge some b*ll*ts for you.

All that Chloe stuff, and some weird questions about furniture.

Somehow, I got through.

Of course you did.

You're Harley. That's what you do.

The words you're saying are nice, but the way you're saying them is...

Hey, why is my bed in Rachel's spot?

That figures, since you're so good at being Rachel, you should probably sleep where she does.

Okay, that's definitely a dig.

Quick refresh, you bailed, and understudy Rachel had to go on.

And no surprise, acting like Rachel came naturally for you, just like everything else.

But I can't do it, no matter how hard I try.

That's not true. I'll prove it.

I still have a Daphne outfit I never used in the challenges.

It was a little tight, but I can squeeze in.

Stop. Stop telling me I can do things.

You just set me up for a bigger fail, which is odd, because misplaced confidence, that's my thing.

Thanks for making time to see us.

What do you mean, making time?

It's my fort, too.

Yeah, about that.

We've come up with a new scam, and it's really a two-person job.

When it comes to our criminal enterprise moving forward, we're making a change.

Think of this as an opportunity to take some time.

Pursue your own dreams.

Ask yourself, what does Beast want?

Is this about the stool?

We're saying you're fired.

We had no choice.

You told Ethan there was nothing in the blackmail book.

I make one mistake.

We have a list. Don't make this more difficult.

Here are your personal effects.

Security will show you out.

I feel terrible, but all I did was what I told Georgie to do.

Act like Rachel.

Is it my fault it went well?

That junk advice you sold me.

Your... truth bombs about how Chloe hates me.

It sure didn't seem that way.

Look, I'm really sorry, but clearly, this isn't working out.

Wait, are you...

I can fill in the blanks.

It's obvious we shouldn't be together.

I... I can't believe you're...

This has never happened to...

How am I gonna tell my...

And then she cried for, like, 20 minutes.

Your bad advice made me break up with a nice girl who... who... I can't even finish the sentence.

Hey, this is my first go as an older sibling stand-in.

I was bound to get one wrong.

Turns out we should've asked the lamp for advice.

Now that we've dropped the dead weight, let's talk schemes.

I've got one. I call it ghost janitors.

We convince everybody that the house is haunted.

Then we get them to hire us to sweep out the ghouls, the monsters, the bats, et cetera.

Good. We got a bad idea out of the way.

I say we steal things from the kitchen, then make Mom and Dad pay to get them back.

Let's start with a high-ticket item.

The good fork.

That makes no sense. Most of us eat with our hands.

I say let's vote. Ghost janitors.

Kitchen kidnapping.

Mmm, another tie.

We can't get a decent easy-money scheme going since you made us dump Beast.

You told them to dump Beast?

I thought we were talking about a stool.

It's called a metaphor.

I thought you were the smart one in the family.

Hee-ya!

Lewie, Daphne, mind explaining why Beast got fired from playing with you, and the only thing that makes him feel better is a Dad pony?

Harley? They do something to upset you?

I was just trying to help.

I'm not ready to be the oldest kid.

I was supposed to have three more years.

Hey, leave her alone.

She's doing her best... as Harley, Harley trying to be Rachel.

Which is hard, because she's Harley, which she is very good at, by the way.

Is anyone else lost? I have been lost since Beast started feeding you sugar cubes.

You two are fighting because you're a two-legged stool.

You got rid of the leg that keeps you balanced and breaks the ties.

Beast may blow a scheme here and there, but without him, there's no scheming at all.

Uh, I'm still down a girl who's into me.

I repeat, into me.

I'm sure.

I know when I pause in a sentence, it's because I like the person so much, I can't find the right words.

If you explain your confusion, I bet she'll take you back.

I mean, she did stay with you after the crackers.

Why didn't you say that the first time I asked?

I guess because I was tough-loving like Rachel, and not thinking like me.

Would you take us back if we un-fired you?

Sure. This lazy horse won't even jump a fence.

He tried.

Which is why he will be in the pasture with an ice pack.

Look at you, seizing the opportunity to step up.

I knew you'd shine.

Thanks, but I didn't shine alone.

You know you just did something Rachel does all the time.

You stood up for me.

Because you stepped up for me.

Georgie and I can't fill the hole that Rachel left by ourselves...

So what's our plan? Kidnapping silverware, or Lewie's dumb idea?

It's called ghost janitors, and you should be proud to wear the uniform.

Everybody will have to try.

I'm thinking of a number between one and ten.

Closest one wins.

Seven? Four.

It was nine.

Uh!

The good fork!

So it was kind of a misunderstanding, and I'm really hoping we can go out again.

Well, I'd, uh...

Uh... Love to?

Yes!

And the best way to shine is by being ourselves. - Yes!

Not that I don't miss Rachel, but it's nice having a break from her attitude.

Oh, yeah, I could totally use a break.

Trying to play lacrosse here.

Gonna need that ball back. Who are you?

Your new neighbor Aiden.

The one who just asked for his ball back.

How's that comin', by the way?

That break may be shorter than we thought.