03x03 - Stuck with a Diaz Down

[bunniefuu]

Smile! I want to show everyone back at Radistone my bestie!

Or maybe it's cooler if we don't smile.

How about half-smile?

You're only home for a week!

Take the photo, Ellie!

Delete it and take another one.

No way that came out good. Okay.

Pretty sure that's my cousin Aidan practicing lacrosse.

I'd introduce you, but he's always practicing lacrosse.

We met.

Actually, I met the ball first when it flew through my window.

Which was only slightly less annoying than this.

Hold on!

Aidan! My mom just made lemon bars!

Great!

She didn't, but that should buy us a few moments of peace.

Look at you manipulating people.

You're learning real life skills at boarding school.

Tricking my family?

That one I got from you.

Aww!

Okay, get psyched, because I have big plans for your week home.

Me, too. I've been saving up the new season of Dancing With My Dad to watch together.

And I've also made us a two-person afghan with snack pockets!

Snacky blanket sounds great, but I was thinking, what if you and I ran a camp for the kids in the neighborhood?

Working over school break. Mm-hmm.

Oh, I think my mom just made lemon bars.

Oh, come on!

It'll be fun!

Teaching arts and crafts, getting fresh air.

And...?

And? There is no and.

Harley, you always have an and.

And I love that about you.

It's a lot more fun than my "sorry, but no."

Okay, there is an and.

And it's a big one.

My quinceañera's this year.

98 more days.

I've been counting down since kindergarten.

That's what I love about you.

Now, if it's going to be the best party ever, which it will be, I'm going to need some funds.

Oh. Aren't your parents paying?

Yeah, for the basics, but I've got a huge my-parents-will-never- pay-for-or-approve-of surprise that will blow your mind.

Tell me everything!

Can't. Top secret.

But I can tell you.

It's going to be epic.

Will there be a chocolate fountain?

Of course.

Rotating dance floor? You bet!

But the real surprise... you know what?

I don't want to spoil it for you, either.

If I can help you with your quince, count me in.

The only thing that matters is that we're hanging out together.

Exactly. And it'll be the best of both worlds.

I promise. Oh!

Can the camp have a garden?

A garden?

Sure. It wouldn't be Harley and Ellie's Good Time Fun Camp without one.

We should call it that.

We already are.

Figured you'd want a part.

You, me, watching a couple kids.

Easy money.

We may have greatly underestimated how many parents want a break from their children!

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like things are outta control ♪

♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Tryin' to figure out your way in the world ♪

♪ Where you're at is kinda perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the games begin, let's jump right in ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado, rowin' in the same boat ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I wanna get stuck with you ♪

Calm down. Everybody's getting a shirt.

Just line up in an orderly fashion.

If I don't get one, I'm calling my mom!

Shirt! Shirt!

Shirt! Shirt!

Shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!

What are you guys doing?

You two already have shirts.

We see a mob, we join in.

Usually we start them. This one just happened.

Shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!

Shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!

Uh, here. You look like an XL.

That was every shirt in the house, even the dirty ones.

Maybe we should've capped this at a handful of kids.

More kids means more money.

More money, more quince.

I don't think that's a saying.

Harley, what is going on here?

This isn't a camp. This is a school district.

What? No! We got this.

Everything is under control.

We're getting more shirts!

This one's mine!

The shirts are very popular.

I only agreed to this because you'd be taking the Littles off my hands.

This is like the Littles times ten.

We're just getting organized.

After this, we have nothing but quiet activities planned.

Gardening, yoga, naptime.

Georgie's been begging to help.

Okay, hardly any of that was true.

But to hold onto this quince cash, I've gotta go hard.

Time to seal the deal with some old school kiss-up.

Wow, this does not sound like the great mom I'm used to.

This sounds like one of those helicopter moms who hovers over their kids 24-7, squashing their independence.

You know, like Bethany.

Bethany? Me?

Ugh! I am so not a squashy mom.

Fine. Do your camp, but the first sign of trouble, I'm shutting this whole thing down.

You won't hear a peep, and if anything happens, you'll only be a stone's throw away.

Not that anybody's throwing stones.

Okay, fine. I'm gonna go do some laundry.

I can't find a single clean shirt in this house.

"Number one mom"?

Is that my shirt?

Hate to break it to you, but there's more than one number one mom.

Great. Now I have to change the name to Harley and Ellie's Quiet Time Silent Camp.

Doesn't have the same ring to it, but money spends the same.

Thanks for agreeing to help me out so quickly.

No problem. I saw that kid water-skiing off Ellie and figured it was only a matter of time.

Who packs carrot sticks without a dip?

You're supposed to be outside at camp.

Are you stealing lunches?

Just the good ones.

Ooh! A brownie!

And no walnuts? Jackpot!

Change of plans. You're on Daphne duty.

Otherwise, this camp is done.

Look at her, scavenging through lunches like a two-legged raccoon.

Next thing you know she'll be turning over garbage cans and biting people.

I'm on it.

Daphne, your behavior is unacceptable, and it stops now.

Don't attempt the impossible.

We've already had two parents and a big sister try to tame her.

A challenge where I'm the underdog?

That's my groove.

No, no, no! You only need to contain, not re-train.

Too late. I'm in the zone.

Okay, put the brownie back.

Let me explain how this is done.

As long as there's no blood, and Mom and Dad don't find out, I can do what I want.

Rachel let you be a wild animal, but Georgie's here to domesticate.

Brownie goes back. Give it to me.

Okay. Wrapper and all.

Good thing I'm up for a challenge.

Ew.

Listen up, kids!

Introducing the Pedal-Planter.

It tills, it plants, and it waters.

This thing cuts through hard ground like a hot Kn*fe through butter.

Or a butter substitute, for those who have moms like mine.

Whew! She's all yours, Ellie.

Better get back to yoga before Beast washes his feet in the cucumber water.

Wait, I thought we were doing this stuff together.

We will.

Uh, for now, we can sh**t each other meaningful nods over the yoga screen.

You got it. Or should I say...

Look, you guys.

At first, I thought that smudge on your cheek was a freckle.

But freckles don't smell like barbecue sauce. Ew.

Okay. First activity in Georgie's Fun Time Domestication Camp?

A shower.

Shower? No problem.

Wow. That was easy.

Oh, oop! You forgot your towel!

I thought you were taking a shower.

This is a shower.

I run the water for five minutes, have a light snack, do a "spot the difference" puzzle, then enjoy the rest of my day.

That might have flown with Rachel, but not with me.

Human beings bathe. Get in that shower.

You need... to take... a shower!

I got rained on the other day!

No, no, no, no!

Run, Deathne, run!

Hello? I can't see.

And this shirt smells like pork chops!

I'm calling my mom!

Nama-stay still. I'll help you.

Now this next pose, is downward dog.

If we're gonna do dog stuff, I'd rather chase a squirrel.

Harley, can we chase...

No! And no talking!

I'd like to also remind the two in the middle that there's no marking your territory during downward dog.

Oh!

Or any pose.

Good. Good.

Good for you, Harley.

And more importantly, good for me.

Till that sod! Work those quads!

Good one, Ellie.

Hey, Harley! Till that...

Shh! Trying to breathe quietly over here.

Sorry.

Till that sod. Work those quads.

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

Just so you know, camp is usually breathing and something else.

Yeah. Where's the something else?

The something else is 20 bucks if you keep your mouth closed.

Breathe in, Breathe out, everybody.

Did a bird just fly into the fence?

Good idea, Hunter.

Let's think about nature.

Birds. Flowers.

Bird att*ck!

I'm calling my mom!

It's a ball, not a bird.

I'll shoo him away.

Hi! Aidan, right?

I'm Harley. Happy Monday.

I'm running a camp over here.

You might have noticed the sign you just put a hole through?

And it's hard for us... I'll stop.

Oh.

Thank you!

You said you were going to stop.

Didn't say when.

Sure, come on over.

Why would you say you'd stop then keep going?

Figured it'd make you go away.

Apparently, not long enough.

Has anyone ever told you you're extremely rude?

Actually, I'm just being regular rude.

When I'm extremely rude, you'll know it.

And if you ask me, you're the rude one.

Most people greet the new neighbors with cookies or a pie.

All you brought was a big ol' basket of 'tude.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

Enjoy.

Ooh, what do we have here?

Some crabby pants. Nice.

Some sass. Ooh!

A giant tub of thinks she knows it all.

Nobody picks up a tub like that.

Here's a jar of can't take a joke.

You should hold on to that one.

I can take a joke!

You know what?

You don't deserve this.

I like my dog bed better!

Nap like an animal, act like an animal.

It's time you had a real bed.

I don't know what to do with my arms and legs.

There's too much room!

That's because you're used to sleeping in something that's meant for a Chihuahua.

Go ahead, stretch out and explore the space.

Ugh!

Okay, now I'm comfortable.

Can you help me load this t*nk?

Harley?

"Giant tub of thinks she knows it all"?

Where does he get this stuff?

And I'll do it myself.

Oh!

sh**t! They'll drown!

Mmm!

That's it! We'll drown him out.

This camp will be so noisy, Aidan won't want to be anywhere near it.

Except any noise that I throw at him will hit Mom's ears, too.

Unless...

I know you're always looking for a quiet place to relax, and this is better than under the desk in the kitchen.

Yes, we know you go there.

And, yes, I brought your hidden cookies.

That's very sweet, but I should not be up in the attic when you guys are...

They broke up? Mm-hmm.

No! How? Why?

Are you sure you guys will be okay?

Whoa, whoa! Helicopter mom, incoming!

Don't mean to squash. Sorry.

The attic is a part of the house that's furthest from the yard.

Other than the chimney, but no one wants to eat cookies in a chimney.

Time to make some noise.

Where are you going?

To find Mom. We're over this.

We were promised a Good Time Fun Camp.

And yoga is none of that.

Though I do feel more present.

Hang on! You guys are right.

This camp is not fun enough.

That's why I'm promoting you to counselors.

Yes! Finally!

Someone recognizes our potential.

It takes skill to get kicked out of every camp you've attended.

Your first assignment?

Get the kids to make as much noise as possible.

Hey, that's how we got kicked out of our first three camps.

Everything happens for a reason. Let's go!

Go, go, go!

All right, change of plans, g*ng!

Sure, plants need soil and water to grow, but you know what really helps a garden?

Clapping and yelling.

I've never heard that.

There are studies.

Come on, kids!

Let's get those plants excited!

Good one! Next!

Show me something, Kowalski!

Just one thing's missing.

Mmm.

Hey, what's your deal?

Yes! We just out-noised him!

I thought we were supposed to be gardening!

Tomorrow we garden.

Today we gloat.

Being measured on the wall is a big Diaz tradition.

So's being noisy. Let's do that.

Whoa! Hang on!

You feel like a lone wolf because you're a forgotten member of the pack.

The last time you were measured, you were barely taller than the baseboard.

Oh, that's Deathne.

I made that mark when she learned how to stand.

Hmm.

Ow! It's tangled! Hold on!

Oh, no! It's ruined!

How am I going to tell Mom?

We're not.

She's going to notice, and I can't lie.

Sad. You were the second kid.

All that attention softened you.

You're like a baby bird that needs its food spit into its mouth.

A lone wolf needs to teach a baby bird how to survive.

A little paint, no punishment.

Hmm. Oh, no! A drip.

Oh, no! I'm making it worse!

Lesson number two in Daphne's Fun Time Wild Animal Camp, Camouflage.

I don't know if Mom's going to believe this is feng shui, but it does cover up our mistake.

My sofa!

Don't be a Bethany.

It's really nice over here.

Day one of camp was bumpy, but we learned some stuff.

Like attic plus hammock plus tragic celebrity breakup equals Mom out of my hair.

Breakfast in hammock.

As a thank you for trusting me yesterday.

Not sure you should trust me with a hot beverage in a swing.

I do because I'm not a helicopter daughter.

You raised me that way.

And look at what else I've got for you.

Season four of Heatherton Cottage all cued up and ready to go.

Enjoy.

This is Sleepy Dreams tea.

Then it's a good thing you're already in that hammock.

All right, sleep well.

I mean... bye.

Whew!

Mornin', neighbor!

The fence! You moved our fence!

You like?

It's amazing what you can do with a lacrosse team and some motivational pizza.

Camp's supposed to start in a minute.

You took my yard!

Well, actually, it's my Aunt Bethany's yard.

After all the noise, I went down to City Hall to see if backyard camps were even allowed.

Turns out they are.

Also turns out there was a little mistake.

Your fence was on our property.

Not anymore.

You're welcome.

What?

Yard!

Mom!

Quince!

Bad.

I can't believe our rearrange worked.

Who knows, maybe it is good feng shui.

No! No, it's not!

Uh, uh... glue! We need glue!

Lewie and Beast used all of it two days ago for a glue bath.

At least they take one.

Now what?

Relax. Gum works, too.

I used just a few pieces to fix the...

Oh, we're also out of gum.

Yesterday a kid with a turkey sandwich had gum.

I remember thinking it was a weird dessert while I was eating his turkey sandwich.

I brought you something. Great! Later.

Right now, we're gonna make your cousin's life so miserable he'll move the fence.

Oh, I'll just tell Mom to make him do it when she gets home.

She's always been fine with the property line where it was.

No! Your mom knowing means my mom knowing which means bye-bye camp.

We have to be smart about this.

Now grab an eggplant, get outside, and join the army.

Army?

Let's not limit ourselves just to gum.

If you find anything chocolate, take it.

We've earned it.

Whoa! A birthday cupcake!

My present to Toby is some advice.

Never leave a cupcake unattended.

I can't do this.

I was supposed to domesticate you, not become the biggest liar in the animal kingdom.

Some days you eat, and some days you get eaten.

When Mom sees that wall, she'll definitely be having us for dinner.

Now put that back.

No.

You are such a baby bird.

This is the moment we've all been training for, gentlemen.

Not all of you will return clean, but know that you will have gotten dirty defending justice.

I am very proud of each and every one of you.

Commander Beast, has the Peddle-Planter been fully converted for water as*ault?

On its mark, General.

We att*ck on my signal.

Eggplant at the ready, Ellie.

Wait. Where's Ellie?

Hang on.

What? You can't give an army a battle speech then tell them to wait!

All right. Fine.

We've got a minute.

Who's got to go potty?

What are you doing in here?

You've got vegetables to throw.

I'd rather watch Dancing With My Dad, if I could hear it over all the noise of your backyard veggie fight.

I thought we were supposed to watch that together.

Me, too, but then you went from counselor to colonel.

I gave up my vacation to help you raise money for your quince, because I'm Team Harley, but this is not the team I signed up for!

Ohh!

Ellie, wait!

I've been waiting for two days.

You know, I don't know what's lamer, that I made a two-person snack blanket or that I have to storm out in one!

She's right.

That was awkward.

But not as awkward as realizing you've wasted your whole vacation fighting with an enemy instead of hanging with a friend.

It's time to call a truce with Aidan.

Guys!

That's the att*ck signal!

Charge!

What are you doing? No! No! It's over! It's done!

Push that fence back to where it goes!

No! Stop! Stop!

Come on! Don't let us down!

Nooo!

Uh, all right! Camp's over!

I figured out the rest of your vacation.

Clean up, then lock down.

Georgie and I accidentally got paint on the wall and broke a lamp.

Don't bother me right now.

Your sister just destroyed our backyard.

Last lesson of the wild.

The best time to confess to Mama Bear is right after another cub does something worse.

Ahh.

This is a mess.

Yeah, I know.

I've done a good job blowing things up this week.

Fences, friendships.

I'm really sorry.

I feel like the biggest jerk ever.

I don't know. A certain lacrosse player may have you b*at in that department.

Sorry you didn't get to earn your quince money for the secret thing you had planned.

But if I know you, whatever it is, it'll be great.

And if I know you, you can keep a secret.

Want to hear? Yes!

Okay, so the camp was a bust.

But I did manage to mend one fence.

And I realized some people you can't change no matter what you do.

And others just need a little push.

Hey, good news.

I'm staying the semester.

Anybody want to trade seats?