03x19 - Stuck in a Fake Out

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Stuck in the Middle". Aired: February 2016 to July 2018.*
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"Stuck in the Middle" revolves around the life of Harley, the middle daughter of the Diaz family. Harley makes her way using her abilities as a prodigy in engineering to deal with the problems of being in a large family.
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03x19 - Stuck in a Fake Out

Post by bunniefuu »

My quinceañera is coming up fast,

so I'm all about planning
the most important stuff.

My dress, my big entrance,
and of course, dessert.

That's why I've created...

the Sweets .

Each dessert squares off with another

until there's only one left.

We'll see who takes the cake.

Not that I'm giving an unfair
endorsement to cake.

- Harley!
- Whoa! Ellie!

I didn't know you were coming
back from school this weekend.

I have a big video project
due for filmmaking class.

Are you making desserts fight?

Stay focused, Ellie!

If I don't get an A on this,

I'll have to stay over
break and redo it.

Oh, that's a bummer.

Listen, crepes or peach cobbler,
head to head, who wins?

Break is during your party.
I'll miss your quinceañera.

What?

But my bestie has to be there.

I figured my best sh*t
to ace this project

was to make it about something
I know really well.

So I talked my teacher into letting me

come home to film...

Harley Diaz, Genius Girl Inventor!

I'll give you an A for the title.

[laughs]

Ellie, you're back!

No time for chitchat.
We've got a video to make.

Hey, are you busy?

I can be camera-ready in minutes.

No, I need you and Dad to choose
the dessert for my quince.

Even better. It took years,

but finally one of our kids
gave us a job we'll enjoy.

[laughs]

[sighs]

Do you think I'm going
to get an A on this Harley?

It'll be easy as pie.

Ooh, pie.

Mom, add pie to the chart.

Okay, let's do this.

And that's why I converted
this boxing dummy

into the Robo-Roper.

For him, swinging ropes
was a big upgrade

from being hit in the face.

You never did thank me
for that, by the way.

[no audio]

It is a vacuum...

[no audio]

...louder than your phone...

How did I invent the H- -Whoa?

I asked myself,

what's the best way for a concertgoer

to get sunscreen and glitter?

Because who says you can't
be skin-safe and glam

at the same time?

I think we should cut.

Sorry, I was just picturing myself

using the H- -Whoa at a concert.

Why are you on the floor?

[sighs]

This is worse than I thought.

If Ellie needs a good grade
to come to my quince,

she'll never make it.

Despite me looking at the ceiling,

things are not looking up.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey ♪

♪ Sometimes it feels like
things are out of control ♪


♪ Like you're living in a circus ♪

♪ Trying to figure out
your way in the world ♪


♪ Where you're at is kind of perfect ♪

♪ So turn it up, turn it up ♪

♪ Do your thing, don't stop ♪

♪ Let the game begin,
let's jump right in ♪


♪ I want to get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the middle of the party ♪

♪ We're just getting started ♪

♪ I want to get stuck with you ♪

♪ In the eye of the tornado ♪

♪ Rowing in the same boat ♪

♪ I want to get stuck with you ♪

♪ Get stuck in the middle with you ♪

♪ I want to get stuck with you ♪

That story you told
about your first invention

was absolutely perfect.

Sorry I didn't realize
the battery ran out.

At least this time you put it in.

I'm going to miss your quince.

If only you could be in front
of the camera and behind it.

What if you do your project
on someone else?

I can't. For the last two weeks,

I've been selling my teacher on...

Harley Diaz, Genius Girl Inventor.

But he doesn't know what I look like.

Oh, hi, guys.

Hey, Genius Girl Inventor.

[clears throat]

Ethan, Ethan, you're a busy guy.

You can't be troubled
with making your own sandwich.

You need to hire...

[all] A Little Help.

To touch my food? I don't think so.

Come on, we've run
into some unexpected debt.

Poopy and Goon invited us
to their party,

and now they say we owe them
$ for the cake and drinks.

What? It's an understood social contract

that refreshments are free at a party.

That's kind of the "party"
part of party.

Poopy and Goon make their own rules.

Now we need bucks
to get them off our backs.

Tell them I said
to stop messing with you,

or they'll hear from your big brother.

[all laugh]

That's adorable.

But these guys will stop at nothing

until we give them what they want.

Boy, it's weird to be
on the other end of that.

Nice call smuggling these
goodies up here in a suitcase

to keep them away from the kids.

I hope the brownies
don't taste like sneaker.

I put them in the shoe holders.

[sniffs]

You know, when Harley first asked us

to narrow down her quince
dessert, I was excited.

But now, knowing I have to eat
, it's kind of intimidating.

Even for me.

Oh, we don't have to eat all of them.

I mean, chocolate chip cookies
vs. rice pudding, that's easy.

The obvious winner is...

- rice pudding.
- Chocolate chip cookies.

Come on, cookies have a whole
aisle in the supermarket.

Rice pudding is on the bottom
dairy shelf

next to cottage cheese,
where it belongs.

Try it.

It looks like something
you wipe off a baby's face.

- Whoa! This is delicious!
- Mm-hmm.

I guess we can't count anybody out.

[sighs] We've got contenders.

I'd better go put on my pregnancy jeans.

Thank you so much for being me.

And just a note,
I carry my invention bag

on my other shoulder.

You're so nitpicky.

I'll use that.

And now, my next invention
is the Pick-Me-Up.

The Pick-Me-Up does a lot.

Whoa!

Right now, we have popcorn on the floor,

and it's got to pick it up.

That's its job.

Hello, I'm Harley,

and this is my invention,
the Floor Finder.

Picks up a lot of stuff.

Everyone will really like it,
and it's just fabulous.

This is what I like to call
the Laundry Me.

I love this invention, because
if you don't know how to fold,

this is the invention for you.

We live in a house
full of many messy people

who need assistance in folding.

This will do the trick.

[sighs]

I don't want to jinx anything,

mostly because my mom forbids jinxing,

but I think we got some great footage.

My bestie came through again.

It was all you.
I just got the ball rolling.

You know, once those directing
juices started flowing,

it actually was kind of easy.

Easy for her.

I ran a collision course

and nearly broke my thumb
catching the camera.

But it was worth it,

because Ellie's going to be
at my quince.

And I actually do think
she got better along the way,

so everyone's a winner.

Ow!

[drone buzzing]

What the...?

[Ethan screams]

Ooh. Mustard drone.

That's Poopy and Goon's calling card.

"We want $ now."

Wow. Yellow and brown.

Those guys really go the extra mile.

What's going on?

Ooh, mustard drone.

Makes sense.

We told Poopy and Goon
you said not to pay.

That's it. I'm confronting these jokers.

Regular mustard is one thing,

spicy brown is over the line.

[sighs]

You're a natural.

You're definitely getting an A.

Hey, I've been thinking
about what special gift

to get you for your quince,
and now I know.

I'll be your videographer.

You want to film my quince?

The party I've been planning
my entire life

and definitely, definitely
want to show my children?

And my children.

They'll be watching it together.

You know, that is such a nice offer,

but you've gotten so good,
I can't ask a filmmaker like you

to do a silly birthday party.

Plus, there's no way I could afford you.

Oh, you don't have to.

It's a gift.

A gift I would like to return.

What am I going to do?

I am not going to help Ellie
do the video

while you play me at my quince.

So tell her she can't do it.

And break her heart? Come on, Georgie.

So let her do it.

And have it turn out awful?

She'll feel horrible she messed it up.

And times worse she let me down.

You know, helping you is a lot of work.

And so is filming a quince.

I'm surprised she'd even want to do it.

What if she doesn't?

What if she realizes how hard it will be

and decides not to on her own?

This is going to take
the rest of my day, isn't it?

[sniffs]

I smell skunk.

Do you smell skunk?

That's me.

I went to the address you gave
me for Poopy and Goon's house,

and before I got to the door,
I was stink-bombed.

[coughs] Ooh, those have bite.

And when I got back
to my bike to escape,

instead of my pedals, I found these.

[Daphne] " dollars."

Ooh, with frowny faces on the O's.

- They mean business.
- Mm-hmm.

Better pay up. Stink bombs
are Poopy and Goon playing nice.

Please end this while you still
have a nose to smell through.

No. This is way too much.

We're going to w*r.

Right after I take a scented bath.

Use Mom and Dad's tub!

Harley wants to hire A Little Help.

How much to make filming
a quince seem impossible?

- Why does she...?
- Shh! Ten dollars.

- Done.
- [all] Yes!

[Suzy] And the winner is...

chocolate fudge cake.

You got to hand it
to the lemon bar, though.

It made it much further
than anyone thought.

It's the Cinderella story
of this bracket.

We'd better go and tell Harley

before my stomach realizes
what's headed its way.

Oh, you've got a little fudge
on your shirt.

Oh, that's going to stain.

Wouldn't have happened
with the macaroons.

Hold on.

We didn't even consider
the stain factor.

Harley's a scientist.

She wouldn't have needed a bracket

if it was as simple as tasting.

She believes in full analysis.

You're right. Full analysis.

Like, what would be slippery
if it got on the dance floor?

Sure, flan's tasty,

but it's also a broken ankle
waiting to happen.

Reset the board.

We need to redo the dessert
bracket in the name of science.

Got a pair of pregnancy jeans
I could borrow?

[exhales]

Any quince is
an overwhelming experience,

but a Diaz quince
is on a whole nother level.

I want you to do great,

so I set up something
to help you practice.

Welcome to my...

fake-ceañera.

All right.
Remember, make sure to capture

all the really big moments.

I got this.

Oh, the Easter Bunny's DJing.

Fun.

Oh, the headphones are for show.

His ears are too big.

Don't worry.

I'll be here for you the whole way.

Oh, here I come.

I'm Harley,

and I'm going to make
my entrance into the room.

Hello, I am great Uncle Mario
from Omaha.

You ever been to Nebraska?

I've got many boring stories
about Nebraska.

You missed the quince girl's entrance.

But don't worry, you got this.

I believe in you, Ellie.

Oh, here comes Dad with a speech.

You have to get that.

I am Dad Diaz.

I wanted to be Harley,
but Georgie got that.

Fake sandwiches!

Get your tiny fake sandwiches!

Ellie, you're missing
the doll presentation!

I'm missing everything!

You know what I miss?

Nebraska.

Home of the Reuben sandwich.

[laughs]

What's wrong with s'mores?

Really? S'mores?

The dessert that's cooked
over an open flame?

Oh! You're right.

We'll burn down the venue.

We'd have to do the family dance
in the parking lot.

We're driving ourselves crazy.

Harley may be a scientist,

but we fly by the seat
of our pregnancy pants,

and it's worked out just fine.

Let's just pick something at random.

Yeah, it's a dessert for
a -year-old's birthday.

[scoffs]

Cupcakes.

Perfect.

It's got cake, frosting and sprinkles.

That is three out of the four
dessert groups.

Sold. Let's go tell Harley.

[Harley] Hey, don't miss this.

Harley's doing the big family dance.

Fake crab cake?

My quince is the most
important day of my life.

Get the big moments, don't just
pick something at random.

- Round three?
- Yup.

Fake crab cake?

Uncle Mario's making a toast!


Let me start with the day
Harley was born.

No, let me start before that.

[laughs]

Fake crab cake?

[Harley] Dad's having
an emotional moment!

This is so beautiful. I am crying.

I can't!

[sighs]

This is way harder than I thought.

If I can't film a fake-ceañera,

there's no way I'm ready
for the real one.

Sorry.

Don't be sorry.

You gave your best sh*t.

That's all that matters.

I need to go home and put on
some fuzzy slippers.

Which kind of remind me
of that scary bunny.

I'll go put on something else.

A Little Help's work here is done.

Could we use you as a reference

if anyone else wants to crush
their best friend's dream?

You make it sound like
I did something bad.

So...

is that a yes or a no on the reference?

I hope this is the last time
I need to play you today.

I'm so deep inside your head,

I'm starting to think of inventions.

Electric spoon. Is that something?

I should write that down.

I'm not % proud of the fake-ceañera,

but at least Ellie's over
the idea of being videographer

at my real one.

And for once, A Little Help
was actually a lot of help.

Don't tell them I said that.
They'll want more money.

Hey.

I thought about it,

and I feel bad I quit
as your videographer,

especially after
you helped me do my project.

I helped, you quit, who's keeping score?

I am.

Never give up. I learned that from you.

- Really?
- Mm-hmm.

That doesn't sound like me.
Are you sure?

It's you.

And, with your inspiration,

I cut together some footage
from the fake-ceañera,

so you'll see the kind of job
I'll do at your real one.

I'm back in.

Can we get our $ now?

Not now. Go!

We'll go when you give us our bucks.

Fine.

- Go.
- [door closes]

Wait, are you giving them
$ to pay off Poopy and Goon?

I said we're not doing that.

Hey.

We earned that for messing with Ellie

so she wouldn't want
to film Harley's quince.

What?

I...

I thought you were going
to have my back,

not s*ab me in it.

I did it for you!

[door closes]

Hey, that's ours!

Not anymore.

Thanks for blowing it with Harley.

We could've paid off Poopy and Goon

and been done with this.

If you pay a bully,

they're just going to do it again.

It's time to teach bad people

they can't take advantage of good ones.

I've laid out a series of traps.

[Lewie] Broccoli marshmallows.

TP balls soaked in fruit punch.

Gravy hose.

This is top-notch work.

But wouldn't it just be easier
to pay the $ ?

Besides, you ever clean
marshmallow off a gravy hose?

It's messy.

Just get Poopy and Goon over here.

They're going to go straight
for this fake $ bill,

which is right in the danger zone.

Once they grab it,

we are going to unleash

a refrigerator's worth of terror
upon them...

with the simple push of a button.

Is that the button that sh**t rainbows

in the Snoozleberry board game?

No. It's the button that sh**t rainbows

in the Snoozleberry board game,

with a skull sticker on it.

Ellie's not answering her phone
or her door.

Can't say I blame her.

But if she had filmed my quince,

she would have messed it up
and felt even worse.

Yeah, I know I keep saying that,

but I have to remind myself
why I did this.

And if I ever start to doubt myself,

I could just watch
the fake-ceañera video she made.

I'm sure it's terrible.

[Ellie] Harley's fake-ceañera.

The party may have been fake,

but when it comes to friends,
Harley's the real thing.


You're going to crush this next part.

But don't worry, you got this.

I believe in you, Ellie.

I'll be here for you the whole way.

[Ellie] Harley put together this
whole practice run just to help me,


which is why I want to pay her back

and film her real...

Oh, I forgot to tell you
about my last trap.

It's called "the final blow."

You see, I was trying
to think of a secret w*apon


to b*at Poopy and Goon
at their own game.


And there's no better amm*nit*on

than what you find
under Lewie and Beast's beds.


Sadly, I didn't find a w*apon.

But I did uncover a secret.

Suddenly, it all made sense.

Poopy and Goon didn't
do all that stuff to me.

You did.

The mustard att*ck.

- [wet expl*si*n]
- [Ethan screams]

The stink bombs.

- [loud pop]
- [Ethan] Ah! Ah! Ah!

My poor, poor bike.

You have quite the imagination.

Do I? Because I found
something else under your bed.

Your yearbook.

Poopy and Goon.

Class pets.

Game over.

Okay, okay, fine.

We made up Poopy and Goon
to get what we want.

Extra cake at a birthday party?
Poopy and Goon need a slice.

Don't want to do chores?

Sorry, playdate with Poopy and Goon.

Need $ for a dinosaur tooth?

Tell your brother you owe
Poopy and Goon money.

It's just what people do.

No, it's not what people do.

Luckily, I outplayed you
to get to this very moment.

Oh? This moment?

When we're about to spring
all your traps on you?

We have the button.

And you're in the danger zone.

Goodbye, brother.

[button buzzes]

No.

This moment, where I reveal

that that's not the real button,

and this isn't the real danger zone.

Like I said,

it's time to teach bad people

that they can't take advantage
of good ones.

[all scream]

Aww.

It looks like you guys could use...

A Little Help.

I wanted to make sure
you opened the door.

But I do have something to deliver.

An apology.

I'm really sorry.

I watched the video.

You made a real jerk
look like a good friend.

And anyone that talented

is more than qualified
to film my big day.

Not that you'd want to anymore.

I don't.

Figured.

You're still mad at me.

Okay, well...

[sighs]

No.

The fake-ceañera actually
did teach me something.

If I'm behind the camera,

I won't be a part of anything
that's happening in front of it

with my best friend.

[Harley] Doing the right thing
isn't always easy.


Sometimes it means making
the right decision.


I think I've finally realized
how to make sure

Harley gets the perfect dessert.

Get them all so we don't have to pick?

Dessert table it is.

Sometimes it means
teaching the right lesson.


What happened here?

You will never believe this.

Poopy and Goon!

[all giggle]

Ugh, they're the worst.

Thank you, Ethan.

You're welcome.

Now that'll be $ .

[all laugh]

All right, back to work.

- [all shouting]
- [Harley] And sometimes...

it means learning a lesson you
should have known all along.


I could do something else
special for your quince.

I've been taking
sewing lessons at school.

I could make your dress.

Friends matter most.

That sounds great.

- I'm kidding.
- Oh, thank goodness.

[laughs]

[both laugh]
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