01x01 - Til Death Do Us Part

[bunniefuu]

Gentlemen! My fellow whites!

Let's raise a glass to this pyramid of money.

The foundation of which was built upon our favorite pastime.

f*cking the poor!

Party's over, ya pieces of sh*t!

This is my money now so back the f*ck off!

Harley Quinn?

[scoffs] I mean, you think we're afraid of the Joker's girlfriend?

-So, here's the deal... -[man screaming]

Are ya gonna shut the f*ck up so I can talk?

[screaming] I'm in a lot of pain!

Oh, just give it a minute, you'll go into shock.

Yeah, there it is. So, as I was saying--

-[g*ns cocking] -You made a big mistake coming alone.

[laughing] She's not exactly alone.

She brought a plus one! [laughing]

It's me, Joker!

Apologies, but your friend, Rupert, just couldn't face coming out here.

[laughing] I'm so sad. Where's my body?

Puddin'? What the f*ck are ya doing?

You're not supposed to take his face off yet. I had this covered.

[stammering] Yes, but I thought up that great "plus one" line.

And then I'm not going to not puppeteer his face.

All right, fine. Do your thing.

So, listen up m*therf*ckers!

Ya better jump in the harbor right now, -or I'm gonna k*ll-- -[Joker laughing]

God, really? You just did it again.

[laughing] That's because I forgot I had the acid b*mb.

But we agreed I'm the muscle! I do the hitting!

You know, you're great, you're great.

You do your thing, I do my thing.

You're the appetizer. I'm the entree.

I can't spend my whole life just bashin' g*ons.

When Gothamites hear the name "Harley Quinn,"

I want 'em to piss 'emselves!

I want a taste of that.

You want a taste of... piss?

No, you know what I meant. God, listen, puddin', can't you just see me in the Legion of Doom?

That is just... [laughs] You don't want that.

Besides, no, the Legion of Doom doesn't give memberships to sidekicks.

-You have to be-- -Partners.

[under breath] Oh, f*ck me.

I wanna be your partner in crime. For reals.

-Can we talk about this later? -If not now, when?

I don't know, tomorrow? I've kinda got my hands full right now.

Joke's on you, Joker.

Jesus, this guy.

You'll never take us alive, Bats!

Love that fighting spirit, Harley.

But in this fight, I'm afraid I have to take a dive.

Uh, dontcha mean "we"?

You know I'd love to take you, puddin', but I'd never deny you the pleasure of buying me time to escape.

Hey, but what if I get sent to Arkham?

Then you won't spend even a single night!

I'll break you out, my love. I swear.

Or actually, uh, I have something tonight, but I'll definitely get you out before breakfast.

Love ya!

[grunts] Ow.

Oh, ain't he cute when he's escapin'?

-No. -[gasps]

[Gordon] You're a cancer, Quinn.

Spreading from Gotham's lymph nodes into its spleen.

And God help us if you get to Gotham's bladder!

But I'm the chemo.

How long's he gonna keep doin' this?

You're a festering boil, Quinn. A bedsore.

A tapeworm that sets up shop in Gotham's lower--

-Jim. -All right.

Where's the Joker?

I'll never give up my puddin'!

Why are you protecting a psychotic clown who treats you like garbage?

Asks the guy who fucks bats.

He doesn't do that!

-Jim. -Sorry.

I'm not tellin' ya sh*t!

What me and Mistah J have is real love.

In fact, not too long ago, we were on a rooftop just like this.

That's when Mistah J proposed.

Till death do us part.

Ooh! Told ya!

After we get married, we'll take a cruise to Barbados, or maybe a resort that's all-inclusive.

They say they're all-inclusive, but that's bullshit!

They charge you for the towels! Soap!

-Jim. -Top shelf liquor!

-Jim! -Right, right.

Give up the Joker, Quinn, or you're going to Arkham for life.

[laughing hysterically] Why are we laughing?

'Cause you said "for life"!

-And, as sure as I am that he fucks bats... -Okay.

...I know my man'll break me out of Arkham before I spend a single night.

[gate clanking and shutting]

[all speaking indistinctly]

Oh! Mistah J?

-Hmm? -Oh, sorry, my bad.

I mean, ya looked a little like him.

I don't know why you bother comin' here.

He's never showing up.

-f*ck off! -[Poison Ivy] Yeah, f*ck off!

But for the record, he does have a point.

Just give me 15 more minutes. Joker's probably still fightin' Batman.

I don't know, hon.

It's, you know, most superhero fights, they're not like, eh...

Calendar Man, how long has she been in here?

Oh, hey, Ivy! 183 days!

Oh, sure. You remember the incarceration date of p*rn Clown over here but not your own son's birthday!

For the last time, I'm sorry, Debbie!

Come on! I know it's June-ish.

It's okay, Daddy. I brought you this cactus to keep you comp--

[guard] Plant!

There ain't no plant life within 50 yards of Poison Ivy, ya moron!

-No wonder your dad doesn't remember your birthday! -[crying]

All I'm saying is, is that you can do way better than Joker.

I mean, you're smart, you're strong...

You're in control of your own destiny.

Leave Joker for who?

Some reliable square who thinks he's "quirky" for playin' on a dodgeball team and calls himself a "beer nerd"?

-[metallic clanging] -Hmm.

Okay, I know you're talking about Dan.

It was my first year at Sarah Lawrence, there were very slim pickings.

[whimpers and grunts]

I'm just sayin' the Joker's excitin'.

He's challenging.

He's psychotic.

He threw you into a vat of chemicals.

You know, I prefer to think of it as a-- [grunting]

As a vat of freedom sauce! [grunts]

He literally made me who I am today.

Aw...

[Poison Ivy] Babe, let's, let's just be honest.

This isn't the first time that Joker's...

-[sniffs and snarls] -...left you here to rot.

He does not love you.

Ya have to leave him.

-And don't say-- -[both] You don't know him like I do!

Harley! Riddle me this.

What did Nadia Comaneci do when she scored a perfect ten on the uneven bars during the 1976 Montreal Games?

-Win a medal? -Not menstruate till her 20s?

-Ew. -She broke a record!

Which is what you sound like!

A broken record. He's not coming!

That is just one person's opinion.

[all] He's not coming!

Aw, the f*ck do you know? You're all f*ckin' insane.

[sighs heavily] Or maybe I'm the crazy one.

Mistah J?

[gasps] Mistah J!

-I knew you'd-- -[exploding]

Uh, hola.

Oh, it's you.

[weakly] How did you get a plant?

I ate an orange and sh*t out a seed! [giggles]

-Thanks, Ivy! -Okay, let's go.

No! 'Cause I'm waitin'!

For--

Joker, yeah, I got it.

You know how long you been saying that?

-Calendar Man? -Oh, hi! Exactly one year today, Ivy.

One year! Happy Arkham Anniversary, Harls.

Here's your present. [blowing]

[Harley] Uh...

Where am I?

[Frank the plant] I did not ask for a f*ckin' roommate.

Uh, when you pay rent you can make decisions, Frank.

Ugh, look what all those months in Arkham did to my poor babies.

And where is that stupid neighbor kid I hired to water them, for f*ck's sake?

Uh, he quit after a week. Very unprofes--

Really, Frank? What if his parents come to look for him?

Unlikely. [retching]

[groans] What am I doing here?

The Joker's gonna go crazy with worry when he tries to break me out of Arkham and sees I'm not there!

He does not care!

Our escape was all over the news and he has not come to see you.

Oh, my God. You're right.

Somethin' terrible must have happened to him!

[gasps] I hope he's okay!

Oh, my God!

What do I have to do to prove that Joker does not love you?

Uh, ya can't. I am outta here!

[Poison Ivy] For once you're gonna listen.

You were a genius psychiatrist.

Do you remember how you diagnosed me?

Sure. A classic misanthrope with abandonment issues who befriends plants to avoid human intimacy.

-Nailed it! -Frank.

-[Frank the plant groans] -You helped me.

I can be around people now.

You know, I mean, I hate it, but I can do it without vomiting.

Harleen Quinzel was the only doctor who ever got through to me.

What do you think that she would say to you?

Why are you always tied up?

Oh. [chuckles] Look how square and boring I look.

Yeah. You look way better now.

Look, I need some help with a patient.

Oh. Then, sure. sh**t.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna take a guess that the picture is talking to you?

Tell her yes, but to stay out of it because we are making progress.

The picture says stay out of it 'cause it's making progress.

So, this patient of mine, she's fixated on a murderous psychopath and won't end their relationship no matter how terribly he treats her.

Oh, easy. Classic abusive codependency.

You just gotta show her there's no future with him and she needs to end it and find her own identity and... [gasps]

Oh. I see. You're smart.

I know. I'm you.

The authorities are still on the hunt for escaped Arkham inmates Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn, and Gotham's funniest villain, The Rid--

Screw that guy!

Name someone funnier than me, Stan.

-Harley? -What? No! Sta...

Women aren't funny!

She's standing behind you.

-[clearing throat] -Oh, hey, Harley.

Ragweed.

That's it? Just "Hey, Harley"?

You left me in Arkham for a year!

You abandoned me, you lied to me!

But this is the last time.

I am here to break up with you!

Oh, sh*t! She's dumpin' you.

No, she's not! She doesn't call the sh*ts!

Yeah, 'cause I'm callin' a cab.

See ya never.

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, uh, thank goodness.

She's finally doing exactly what I prayed she would.

-[Harley] What? -[Poison Ivy] Oh, for f*ck's sake.

Much as it destroys me to say it, Harley, I was going to insist on breaking up, because it's the only way to keep you safe.

What the hell are you talkin' about?

Yes, no, please continue with your bullshit.

The world's gone mad since you've been in Arkham.

Have you seen Commissioner Gordon? He's lost it.

He wants revenge because I "paralyzed" his "partner." [chuckles]

He and Batman are hell-bent on destroying everyone I care about.

That's why you didn't come get me?

-[Poison Ivy moaning] -Keeping you away from me was the only way to protect you.

And still is.

So, I'm afraid, my dear, this is a...

Oh, it's a heartbreaking goodbye.

-Uh, no, no wait! -No! No "wait."

-This is what you wanted, Harley! -Is it?

It is, yes. You came here to do this.

Yes! Listen to your awful friend.

So, this is really the end?

-Yep. This is it. Let's go. -Unless...

-[Poison Ivy groaning] -Unless what?

Unless our love is so powerful

-even the thr*at of death can't keep us apart. -[gasps]

Oh, screw it! I'll die for you any day.

-I'm in! -Really? Me too!

-[Harley] Mwah! -[both moaning]

What the f*ck just happened?

We're gonna need some privacy, Ive.

Sorry, but it's gonna get real gross, real quick.

On and off.

And on and off.

Everything lives and everything dies.

-Jim? -I wasn't playing with it.

-[grumbles] -It's the Riddler.

We hear he's got a riddle so funny it makes people's brains explode.

And he plans to broadcast it on live TV.

Not if I solve it first.

Oh, and hey, I was thinking about having some friends over to the house for a barbecue if--

-No. -All right.

And they say it's so funny it makes people's brains explode!

Let me take your mind off the Riddler.

I made some bread puddin' for my puddin'.

Okay. [clears throat] You're not grasping the impact of this.

Funny is my thing and this assh*le's trying to steal it on live TV!

Also, are those raisins?

I mean, why?

They're chocolate chips.

Sorry. I do love chocolate chips.

I apologize, puddin'.

It just seems like every time I turn around, someone's gushing over the Riddler.

I mean, seriously, his whole schtick is being the world's most indirect assh*le!

Okay, how about this?

If I k*ll the Riddler in the next hour, can we still have date night?

I got a Reese Witherspoon movie I was thinkin' we could watch.

Well, I do love my Reese.

All right. k*ll him.

But it's Legally Blonde or I'm out!

It's Sweet Home Alabama.

This day... sucks!

Wow, how do they not find these lairs?

And we're murdering everyone in Gotham in three, two...

Citizens of Gotham, Riddler here with a riddle so hilarious... [laughing]

...you'll die laughing!

Hey, Riddler. I got some notes on your show.

It's over, Riddler...

Wait a minute, what are you doing here?

Buzz off, Batsie, I'm in the middle of doing a "notes" bit!

[Riddler] Riddle me this, you two.

What is cold but still burns?

What will eat you if you drink it? What--

-Acid. -It's acid.

I am not done. What is... Wait...

Did I say the thing about cold but it still burns?

-Yes. -Right.

-No! -Because it's acid.

Okay, it's acid. I'm dropping you in a pool of acid.

[sizzling and bubbling]

You're makin' a big mistake, 'cause when my man hears about this, he's gonna come runnin'.

Precisely what I'm counting on.

Why don't I invite him over right now for a little game night?

So you don't have a riddle so funny it makes people's brains explode?

-No. -I knew it!

You won't get away with this, Riddler.

If there's no riddle, why are we here?

To play a little game.

Choose one to live and one to die and in the acid, the loser will fry.

Is it the good kind of acid that gives you super powers?

-No. Choose! -[Harley] Aw...

Go ahead. Tell him, Mistah J!

-Deep fry that bat. -Yes, well, yes, yes.

It would seem an easy choice, Harley, but... [giggling]

Puddin'?

Even for you that's a lot of maniacal giggling.

Sorry, my little strung-up pheasant, -but I couldn't possibly let this punctuation prick... -[Riddler] Hey!

...get credit for k*lling Batman, now, could I?

Free the bat, drop the broad.

Till death do us part.

But that's not what really happened, is it?

Aw, sh*t. What are you doin' in my memory?

It's my memory, too, dummy.

First of all, those weren't violinists.

-And you weren't dancing with Joker. -[gasps]

And it wasn't an engagement ring.

But, if all that's true, then why'd he say--

Till death do us part.

Because he didn't say it to you.

It was him all along, wasn't it?

It's always been him.

[Harley] Joker never loved me. He only loves Batman.

[gasps] Ivy!

You saved me from the acid!

It's actually just margarita mix.

It's still kinda stingy.

Okay, I did my part, so we're square for you breaking me out of Arkham?

His... His part? What's he talking about?

So don't go all Harley on me, okay?

But I did set this whole thing up.

I've been telling you forever that the Joker's no good for you but it seemed like such a hard concept for you to understand, so I decided to let you see it for yourself.

[groans] I just wanna crawl back into that acid and die.

Again, it's margarita mix, so that doesn't apply. But look, chin up.

You know, you still got me. And I care about you so much that I spent my entire Saturday setting up something this f*cking stupid.

That's true. I bet it wasn't easy.

Eh, you know, the biggest pain in the ass was just finding 150 gallons of this sh*t.

I told you to get a Costco card.

And I told you I only go there once a year, so it doesn't pay for itself, chief!

[groans] I can't believe I wasted years of my life on that idiot clown!

Oh, boo-f*ckin'-hoo.

I spent ten years in a dog park.

Come talk to me after a St. Bernard shits on your face!

-Frank, Jesus. -[Frank groans]

Harley, I love you in...

[sighs] In a very odd, hard-to-articulate way.

And if you just stopped sabotaging yourself--

-Unlikely. -Right.

But if you did, the world would be yours.

And you could be any kind of... I don't know, circus performer you want.

Yeah. You know, why am I still wearing this thing?

-I do not know. -[doorbell ringing]

Joker-gram!

"Knew you'd make it out. Let's forget the past.

I sent this idiot to shout, let's have a bla--"

Uh...

Just to be clear. You don't find this charming, right?

-No. No, no, no, no, no. -Okay, cool. Yeah, yeah, cool.

I mean, look, you know, there's obviously something super romantic about a man who explodes...

-Right. -...another man for you.

But, but no. No, I'm totally finished with him.

Oh, finally!

Yeah, yeah! You know, I am so gonna show the world I am more than just Joker's girlfriend!

-There ya go! There ya go! -Mmm-hmm!

-I'm gonna have my own capers! -g*dd*mn right you are!

Like, like, like, I'll kidnap the mayor of Gotham and I'll put him in a m*ssile and I'll just, like, sh**t it at the moon unless he names a highway after me, huh?

-Uh, um, okay? -I'm actually still workshopping that.

-Yeah. -But me and the Joker, we are so through!

Okay, cool, yeah. No, for sure.

[man] Huh?

[Joker] Oh, come on.

Hey, does anyone know our damn Wi-Fi password?

Harley? Oh. Is that you?

It's me, dickhead.

Uh, by the way, that's also the Wi-Fi password.

What is? "It's-me-dickhead?" or just "me-dickhead"?

Ah, it doesn't matter. You look fantastic. Is that new lipstick, or--

-Ya treated me bad. -What?

-Ya lied to me. -Aw.

-Ya never loved me. -Come on.

I know that now.

Well, well, heh, that's nonsense, puddin'.

My motives are never clear! I'm an agent of chaos!

That's what you love about me!

Not anymore. We're through.

Oh, yeah, this again? Look, let me make this clear.

You don't ever break up with me!

I'm the top supervillain in Gotham.

Not for long. 'Cause you're lookin' at your replacement.

You? [laughs] Replace me?

I created you!

You won't even get out of this building alive unless I let you.

Bring it, bitch.

Ooh! Ah!

Just say the word and I'll call it off.

Till death do us part.

Oh, fine. k*ll her.

Ooh!

Hell yeah!

Hey, I was just gonna see if you need any help, but you seem good.

Love the new look.

Gonna go pick up some Thai food. Text me what you want?

Oh wait, I'll have a green potato curry.

Yeah, but I said... [stammering] Just text it to me.

-But you're right here. -Yeah, but, I'm not gonna remember it.

And then you won't like what I get you

-and you're gonna want some of mine. -[sighs in frustration]

Just, just f*ckin' text it.

[whimpering] Oh, what?

You gonna k*ll me now?

No, I want you alive so I can see the look on your face when I'm runnin' this town.