02x02 - Riddle U

[bunniefuu]

C'mon. C'mon. C'mon.

Oh, my God, you piece of sh*t!

Ugh, damn it!

How is a girl suppose to plan her takeover of Gotham if she can't see her k*ll board?

It's only six people, Harls. And two of them were dead when you made this list.

Well, I wanted to give us a head start.

Like when you put your own money in the tip jar at the beginning of your barista shift.

Ah! Mazel! How'd ya make all these candles?

Definitely not with the rendered fat of dead zebras.

Well, then I guess it remains a mystery.

Ugh. We need power! We can't keep depending on runaway zoo animals for Psycho to make candles out of.

I made hats, too.

Gotham is a wasteland. No one has reliable power.

Riddle me this, what's the only place in Gotham with a still-intact power plant and running water?

Well, it's right here! At Riddle U!

Where the young and promising can charge their cell phones and their brains. Right, three girls?

Yes, Dean Riddler.

Mmm. Now, that's clean water.

That assh*le's the only one with power.

We're gonna k*ll him next and steal it for ourselves.

Ive, hope you're vaccinated for HPV

'cause we're goin' to college.

Harley, you know we're too old to get the HPV vaccine, right?

Okay, here's the plan. We pretend to be coeds, sneak into Riddle U, k*ll the Riddler, maybe go to a sick party, and then we have all the power and water to ourselves.

Ooh! What are you gonna charge first?

I'm gonna blow dry my hair!

As an actor-- Not an actor!

I know a thing or two about acting.

To go undercover you must become the cover.

So much so that you can no longer even remember your true self.

Like a young Mr. Jonathan Depp in the television series 21 Jump Street, and a very old Mr. Jonathan Depp in the feature film 21 Jump Street.

Yeah, you're not coming with.

I agree, Clayface shouldn't go but your boo... Stephanie is mad-stoked to hook up with you on the quad.

Oh, God... What up?

It is I, Stephanie, a fun, yet bookish transfer student from Chico State.

Yeah. Stephanie's not going either.

No, she's not.

You, however, are going to a padded room.

You're way harsher than the girls who drove me out of Chico.

I can't spill the deets 'cause of the impending lawsuit, so...

All right, Ive, are you ready for all-night study seshes, talkin' philosophy and smokin' cloves, puttin' up any poster we want in our dorm room! Ah!

You know what, I do have an Indigo Girls poster that does need a wall.

Oh, my God! All right, while you two geriatric coeds are rediscovering yourselves, the rest of us are makin' zebra candles and chewin' on water!

So it was zebras...

Oh! At least the mouse is alive this time.

Oh. Oh, my God!

I drank two quarts of that sh*t.

I fear we may not survive until your return.

Then you and Psycho find a water filter. Great idea!

Ive, hope you're vaccinated for HPV 'cause we're goin' to college!

Yeah. You said that already. I know, but when I said it nobody knew the plan so nobody laughed.

Sure.

Let us in, let us in, let us in!

Put us down on that tower.

Oh, if my girlfriend sees me hanging out with you hot young coeds...

Ugh. ...she's going to be green with envy.

Oh, my God, f*ckin' gross.

I thought it was cute, babe. Nice.

Morning, students.

Riddle me this, what's priceless but still costs 60k a year?

Riddle U. It's better than Harvard.

Carry on.

Pretty lazy riddle, but he is right about Harvard sucking.

...and that's was Water Fountain 29 where you can get the best Riddler water in all of new, New Gotham.

Oh, my God, it's so interesting.

So, like, I have a question.

Where is the Riddler right now?

I'm sorry. Were you two on the tour when we started?

I don't see your name tags.

Oh, we told you at the beginning of the tour that we were definitely there for.

I, of course, am Heather Witherbee and this is my friend Izziadora Staplebuntkin.

Hmm. I feel like I would've remembered such distinct names.

Yes, yes. We do have very distinct names, Heather.

It's chill, they're with me. Oh, thanks, Steph.

Let's keep this train going.

He actually showed up? I'm gonna f*ckin' k*ll him.

I dunno, Harls, I mean, he/she seems to be very popular.

And you've got to admit, like, Steph's really pulling off her crop top.

I mean, you never really made it work.

I know. I never know what to pair it with.

Well, that was a surprisingly easy and delightful stroll across an apocalyptic wasteland.

Of course it was!

Any idiot could've done it.

I'm a brilliant telepath and my talents are being squandered on menial tasks like this.

And you do stuff, too.

sh*t! There's still cops?

Stop right there! He did it!

Your treachery knows no bounds!

I'm not going to jail for you or anybody!

Ah!

Dang. Back to the clink.

This is Two-Face territory.

Whaddaya say, boys!

Howzabout we compose 'em a story on deez Chicago typewriters?

What the f*ck is dickhead Tracy talking about?

Oh, it's one of them old-timey phrases.

See, from a distance a Tommy g*n sounds like-

Ah! Well, I'll be damned!

It does sound like a typewriter.

And that is the last of the 17 hedge mazes.

Yeah, if we could just have a follow-up question to Heather's earlier question.

Do you think you could lead us to the Riddler so we can thank him for letting us in his university?

I mean... It's not like we're gonna k*ll him.

He's a very busy man. You never see him anywhere... and yet, he's everywhere.

Uh, making sure that we all have clean water and power.

That concludes our tour.

A bachelor's in puzzles is not an education.

Bring back a useful degree!

One that guarantees gainful employment like art history.

What the hell was that?

The Riddler's the only one who asks questions around here!

What? Everyone knows that.

How long have you been here? You know what? Never mind.

While you're here, will you-- Join the theater department?

No. But if I already have?

Just get intel on the Riddler's whereabouts.

Ivy and I are gonna do some general snoopin' around.

Fine. Can do. Oh, Chad! Wait up!

Wow, this place is huge. Where do we even start to look for Ridd--

Oh, there he is.

Riddle me this!

You're about to die, bitch.

You're not Riddler. Who the hell are you?

I'm Jiminey Riddles... The Riddle U mascot.

Holy frick, it's Harley Quinn?

sh*t!

Ha!

Would you like to audition for the a cappella club?

Would you like to audition for the cool a cappella club?

You're not cooler than us, Garrett!

Oh, sh*t!

sh*t!

Argh!

Yeah, I know. And I got made by the surprisingly agile tour guide.

So... Let's go k*ll a tour guide.

Find the tour guide.

Ugh. College Ivy is no fun!

Hey, I just want to be clear. I'm anti-forcefully entering the dorm room of a girl who sure does not want us in there.

Under normal circumstances, agree.

But Ive, this is an emergency procedure.

Ahh! Babs, don't sh**t!

Izziadora? You work for Harley Quinn?

Wait... Poison Ivy?

You were gonna rat us out to the Riddler!

What? No! Heck. If anything, I want someone to take down the Riddler.

Hey Waynebox. Play "Party mix." And turn it up.

Look, there's some seriously terrible stuff that's been going on here ever since Riddler took over.

Like, what kinda stuff?

Well, like, we used to have a really good basketball team and all the best players just disappeared.

And let's just say, it wasn't because they went pro.

Okay? I mean, they were good for Division II, but you know--

What are you saying? I'm saying students are disappearing. Riddler's behind it.

And I wanna take him down... If you don't k*ll me.

Yeah, but how do we know that the second we untie you, you're not gonna turn us in to your dean?

You'll just have to trust me.

Fair warning, I'm only wearing a towel.

By the by, you're out of lavender herbal essen--

What the hell is going on here?

Waynebox! Turn down "Party mix!"

Hey, Dad... Who are these two and why is there a plant wrapped around you?

There's a lot a suspicious things going on here.

She's gonna turn us in! We're just... Vining, Dad.

It's an Internet thing. You wouldn't get it.

g*dd*mn Internet.

You ladies have fun.

I just came out to get another beer for the shower.

Oopsie-daisy.

So, Commissioner Gordon is your dad and he lives with you in this dorm room?

He snuck in before the Riddler took over.

It's been a-

...rough couple of months. For both of us.

I've been trying to track the Riddler and he keeps coming back to this one location There's something going on in this fraternity house.

I see people go in but they never come out.

Uh, how is that different from a normal frat house?

I don't know yet.

But I have three wristbands to a party there tonight.

Hey, this is gonna sound crazy, 'cause you're supervillains and all, but if you're past the k*lling me thing, maybe we can all go and-- Great. Thanks.

Oh, come on! I had to chug a beer to get those!

I didn't like the way it tasted!

Or the way it made me feel! Come back!

So explain that "vining" thing to me.

Is it something you and I could do? Or would that be weird?

That'd be weird.

You got moxie but we got g*ns. You're surrounded, see?

How are we going to get out of here?

Ah, perfect!

I can't reach the pedals and you can't fit inside.

We're gonna make a few modifications.

Is it just me, or do yous hear welding?

And you said you didn't want the long metal spike.

Whoo-hoo! I can admit when I'm wrong.

Ha-ha! There's another one. Get 'em!

Do I like Chad? Yes.

But I don't know if I'm ready to be "Chad's girlfriend."

Why does he want to rush to label it?

How long did he give you to decide?

Just the weekend! And I'm auditioning for Garrett's a cappella group.

Ugh! That's still the cool one, right?

It's too much pressure!

Hey Steph! Can we grab ya for a second?

We got some intel.

So did I. Betsy Dunkhaven has a crush on Ava Stein-- absolutely hates Hunter McMurray.

Who could blame her? Hunter's got areolas the size of--

...pancakes.

They touch in the middle.

We got some intel about the Riddler. He's inside.

And we got wristbands.

VIP, b*tches.

Holy sh*t! How'd you get that?

It pays to be chad's "almost-girlfriend."

Ugh! Gross.

Gross. And grosser. Oh, Harley...

What? It's an ice luge.

Ya know I can't resist alcohol bein' poured down an icy surface.

No, I did not know that.

Listen, Harls. Game face, okay?

We got to keep our eyes out for the Riddler.

I'm pretty sure that was the Riddler.

It might've just been Jiminey Riddles.

No no, that's Jiminey Riddles.

The whole party is a fundraiser to cover his medical bills for the b*ating you gave him.

I already donated.

Oh, you're good, Steph.

Sorry. VIP only.

But we're with Steph.

Do I look like I give a sh*t? Gotta have a VIP wristband.

All right, Stephanie.

You go in, you look around, you report back.

Real simple peek n' speak.

What if I run into Chad and he asks me where we stand?

I mean, sure, he gave me the weekend, but it would be awkward not to talk about it.

But if we did talk about it...

Oh, my God, it'd be just as awkward!

Ah! I'm being ripped apart!

Ugh, I'm going to text my counselor!

Oh, my God! You're a f*cking clay monster.

Forget about Chad for five seconds and do your g*dd*mn job.

The best thing about chest hair, chip catcher.

That's not even from the bag you're eat--

Come on, Dad!

We know the Riddler's up to something in that frat house!

Now, put on your shirt and let's go full swat on his ass.

I don't do shirts anymore. And I certainly don't swat.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I have some Kimmy Schmidt to binge.

This school needs a champion!

New, New Gotham needs a hero!

No. This city needs the Bat. I... need the Bat.

That's not a chip.

Ugh. He's been in there way too long.

Let's just k*ll the bouncer.

Yeah, but we don't want to cause a scene.

Watch this, Ive.

Hey, girls.

So, I figured out how he's generating electricity.

By inviting people to fake frat parties, kidnapping them, and forcing them to run on hamster wheels, effectively turning them into human batteries?

Oh, wait. That makes way more sense than what I was thinking.

Oh, my God, that hurt!

Well, what fortuitous timing.

We just had two jobs open up.

Congratulations, graduates. Welcome to the workforce.

Joke's on you, Riddler!

I don't do jokes... I do-- Whatever.

The point is you're in for a surprise.

'Cause we ain't beautiful, young coeds.

We're beautiful, regular-aged women.

That's right, Harley Quinn-- Harley Quinn and Poison Ivy.

I Know! Gee, I wonder what gave it away?

The '90s miniskirts, the pigtails, the overall shorts, or the chunky flats?

Oh. Jesus.

So you took down Penguin and came for me.

Well, I got something Cobblepot doesn't, a riddle stick!

Why are you laughing?

No. It's a super, super cool name, very menacing.

It's a cane. What are ya gonna do, trip us?

See? It is cool.

Oh! How convenient, those fake police men ran out of gas.

Uh, pretty sure it was my sick driving that scared them off.

You idiots! They stopped following you because you left Two-Face territory.

You're in Bane town now.

It's actually Baneton.

And if you lived here, you'd be home by now. Let's get em'.

What? We just built a mega death car.

You think we're afraid of a few Bane g*ons?

I think we underestimated the Bane g*ons.

Running sucks!

Uh, faster! My battery's only at 75%.

I can't believe Chad set me up.

I broke my purity ring for him.

Clayface, pull it together.

Turn into something skinny and slip out of your belt.

Are you calling me fat?

Honestly, this is some of his best character work.

Yeah. I'm not sure how much longer I can do this in clogs.

What is Rodger and Hammerstein's Oklahoma?

Ah. Yes. Let them go, Riddler!

How'd you get in here?

See, Tanner? I said we should have a retinal scanner but you were all like, "No, wristbands are fine, It'll be fun, like Coachella!"

This is my last warning. I'm warning you.

Tanner, go k*ll her.

Oh, great. Now I gotta watch Gordon's kid die.

Oh, my God. Did you k*ll Tanner?

No! No?

No. I said, let them go, Riddler!

Whatcha gonna do? sh**t all of us?

No! Just that switch!

Frick!

When someone says, "What are you gonna do, sh**t all of us?"

You say "No! Just you!" Not the switch!

You've just been citizens arrested!

Gosh, I'm good.

Is this what it feels like to be Batman?

Because I feel like a superhero right now!

Wow, Babs, you really know how to just k*ll the post-fight mood.

Sorry. I'm gonna call my dad.

He'll arrest Riddler and take him to Arkham.

Oh, my gosh!

This is gonna be so great for his self-esteem.

I dunno. I mean, he seemed pretty confident earlier in that towel.

We'll just drop Riddler at Arkham.

You sure? I mean, I could come with.

Then maybe we could get Fro-Yo?

Or w-what do you usually do after a high-octane battle between good and evil?

Yeah, we're gonna do the drive-thru at Arkham.

It's on our way home. Easy peasy. Byeee!

Knees up, bitch.

Cheese!

You're the bitch!

And a liar.

You told that nice girl that you were taking me to Arkham!

Three down, three to go.

Ah! We are gods!

Or at least demigods. Maybe Titans.

One brand-new industrial strength water purifier as requested.

Oh, that's what you guys were doin'?

Yeah, that's what we were doin'!

We went through hell to get you this.

We took out half of Two-Face's army!

And we had to get stomped into the Bane boys. f*cking Bane!

We made a death car!

Oh. Well, you know, once we got the power runnin' the water started comin' out clear, so...

Ugh! Well, I for one am glad we can once more be free from the petty trappings of campus life.

Oh, Chad!

What do ya think'll happen to Babs?

Eh, you know, I mean, once the adrenaline wears off, she'll probably go back to studying, she'll graduate...

Hopefully she grows out of her awkward Batman obsession phase.

I mean, we all did.

I don't know. I feel like we awakened something in her.

Yeah.