05x10 - Take My Ex Wife Please

[bunniefuu]

It's always bad

when you have a messy breakup with someone at work,

especially when that someone is Jody Kimball-Kinney...

a man whose pride is easily wounded.

Plus, he's the king of dragging things out.

The awkward moments, the stilted conversations,

that nagging feeling that I've heard is called "guilt."

Oh, come...

But it's been a couple months,

and even I don't drag things out this long.

I'm starting to wonder...

will things ever go back to normal?

This is exciting.

It's been such a long time since we've taken Later Baby to a college.

[clears throat]

Are you sure you wouldn't rather do this one on your own?

Bowdoin College is in Maine.

No Kimball-Kinney has been that far north.

What if I wander to Canada and they force free health care on me?

Huh?

Okay, you're going to Maine.

And who knows?

Maybe you'll fall in love with, like, a beautiful lighthouse keeper's daughter, and we find out she was a ghost the whole time.

[scoffs]

[groans]

Oh, God, I'm gonna sneeze.

- [sneezes]

- Ugh, Morgan, those T-shirts - are worth more than your life.

- I'm so sorry, I...

I picked up a little bug, which bit me, and now - I'm a little sick.

- But you're well enough to go to Maine, right?

Good.

I'm totally good.

It's actually...

it's kind of a high-profile illness.

You might've read about it in "TIME" magazine.

Xenophobia?

I have that, too!

Oh, no, Morgan.

Do you have Zika?

Yep, Zika, boom.

But it's not contagious unless you have sex, so let's go...

let's go get some young women pregnant.

[coughs]

Looks like it's just you and me, Mindy.

- Hmm.

- Oh, God.

[groans]

Morgan, what are you still doing here?

The CDC and me told you to go home.

Your sweat dissolved one of our chairs.

- Okay, you got to help me up.

- Come on, man.

Thank you, Tamra.

[coughing]

Why is it always me who gets sick?

'Cause you share a bed with ten wet dogs.

- [sniffs]

- You're fine.

[hip-hop music]

I'm excited you're going to Maine.

Oh, remember, if you see Stephen King, you got to get me his autograph.

No, I hate that guy.

He's the reason I had blood dumped on me at three separate school dances.

Hey, I wanted to ask you something.

You remember my ex-wife, Patricia, right?

Mm-hmm, the beautiful African-American woman that you have a child with?

- Yeah, I think so.

- Yeah, that one.

So she's moving back to New Jersey to be closer to Lindsay, and I was wondering if she could stay at my house for a few days only until she gets her own place, but I just wanted to make sure that was okay with you.

Oh, yeah, no, I love that kind of thing.

- That sounds great.

- Great, don't worry.

We will have separate bedrooms, we won't even hang out, and I'm gonna wear that Marvel cologne that women hate...

Stan Lee's Invincible.

Okay.

Just text me every minutes.

No, wait, that's crazy.

We'll just stay on the phone the whole time.

Hey, you got to trust me, Mindy.

I do trust you.

I mean, if you can trust me with your email password, then I can trust you with this.

What?

Nothing.

Hello. If you could all look up

from the work you're not doing, I have an announcement.

Everyone, this is my husband, Tim.

He was in the neighborhood getting out of jury duty.

You know what I went with?

r*cist.

Wait, you're Doctor Z's husband?

I know, can you believe it?

I don't know how I managed to convince a woman like this to marry me.

Oh, yeah, I'm kidding.

I do know how I did it.

I'm totally rich.

Oh, Tim, that reminds me.

Don't forget dinner tonight with the McDucks.

Yes, uh, just a second.

No, honey, I-I can't make that.

A-a work thing just came up.

Oh, okay.

Well, at least this means I can make my board meeting for the Audubon Society.

We're choosing our birds for the calendar.

It's going to be a total shitshow.

[chuckles]

Ah, well, I'm off to catch the subway.

Just kidding.

Can you imagine?

[clears throat]

All right, I love you.

Thank you.

Okay, I saw something hella shady last night, but I promised myself I wouldn't spread gossip anymore.

But I never said I wouldn't sing it.

♪ I was up in the club, poppin' bottles like, whoa ♪ ♪ Saw Dr.

Z's husband grindin' up on some ho ♪ Dr.

Z's husband was cheating?

She's too hot to be cheated on.

Does he hate beauty?

So we haven't really caught up lately.

Any special ladies in your life?

Oh, nothing I feel like discussing.

This is a work trip.

Let's just stick to work topics.

Okay, anyone cute at the hospital you have your eye on?

Oh, my God, did you see Nurse Kim's new rack?

They feel very natural.

I don't mean like that.

I mean work, you know.

Dr.

Ledreau showed me a very new, interesting laparoscopic technique yesterday.

No, that's educational.

I went to school for, like, years, I'm done with that ish.

Mindy, I'm sorry, but I really do not wish to discuss matters of the heart.

I want to just focus on my driving, try not to hit any deer or Stephen King.

You just look at your phone.

Fine.

[ripping]

Anna here are the ultrasounds for Mrs. Rosen.

Ooh, are you tearing up strips for papier-mâché?

No, tearing up paper is a coping mechanism my psychiatrist taught me.

Right.

So the strips are up for grabs for papier-mâché?

Jeremy, what does it mean for a straight man with a wife to not come home several nights in a row?

Oh.

Well, we needn't always assume the worst.

Father used to disappear for weeks, but he would always come back with an ivory chessman for me, and one time a half-Vietnamese boy I was supposed to treat like a brother.

That wasn't as comforting as I hoped it would be.

Look, Anna, you know I like to see the best in people, but if this fish stinks, it's probably rotten.

Right.

Well, thank you for being so direct.

Whew, that was really hard.

Us English people are not good at being direct, yeah, unless you lay a finger on our Falkland Islands.

Well, please take as much paper as you'd like.

Thank you.

I didn't want to pressure you.

Okay, whoa.

What up? It's your boy.

Zika Diary day two.

If I don't make it, I...

I want you to tell Grandmother I love her.

- Ugh.

- More importantly...

- [cell phone beeps]

- Watch my dad sink this putt.

Here we go, you watching?

It's Ben and Lindsay playing mini golf.

This is how it's done.

Oh!



- Ben, stop!

You're cheating!

- Who's cheating?

- You...

you just cheated.

- Yeah, Dad, you're cheating.

[cell phone beeps]

All right.

Are you okay?

It's nothing.

I'm fine.

All right.

Ben promised me that he wasn't gonna hang out with his ex-wife, and he's spending time with her.

They're playing mini golf.

It's frickin' adorable.

He knows I'm not athletic enough for that.

Well, she is the child's mother.

There's no reason to be suspicious.

- Yeah?

- What does she look like?

Oh, damn.

Girl can get it.

- Hey.

- I'm sorry.

Uh, look, there's nothing you can do about it right now.

If it'll take your mind off of things, I'm willing to lift both of my objections to you driving.

Yeah, maybe I should drive.

Plus, if I'm not driving, I can partake in a little refreshment.

Oh, my God, If I fall asleep and my hand goes down my pants, do not worry...

it is not sexual.

I'm just instinctually protecting the family line.



What's up?

It's your boy.

Little Zika update.

So I d*ed for a little bit, because I saw a bright light, and I felt this bony hand on my shoulder, and it wasn't Grandma this time.

- [cell phone beeps]

- That was really good, Morgan.

Let's just keep rolling, and I'm just gonna rattle off some will and testament stuff.

[cell phone beeps]

I'm gonna leave all my dogs to you, Tam.

You got to take care of all of them, love them like they were your own.

- Hi, guys.

- What up, Colette?

How was work?

What happened?

She didn't tell you?

Tamra caught Anna's husband cheating on her.

- What?

- Ooh...

Wait, were you filming that?

- I am, and...

- [beep]

Oh, I think I just posted it.

What?

Delete it before WikiLeaks gets it.

I can't.

It already reposted on HuffPost Divorce.

She didn't tell you?

Tamra caught Anna's husband cheating on her.

- Oh, my God!

- [tires squeal]

- [horn honks]

- [screams]

- You hit Stephen King!

- No.

Why does the man insist on walking on the freeway?

No, no, we didn't...

No one hit Stephen King.

Oh, my God.

Tamra caught Anna's husband cheating on her.

Ooh, how humiliating.

Tamra caught Anna's husband cheating on her.

[clatter]

Ben, stop!

You're cheating!



- Who's cheating?

- You...

you just cheated.

Yeah, Dad, you're cheating.

You know when you become obsessed with an Insta video

that may or may not indicate

that your boyfriend still has feelings for his ex-wife,

so you abandon your plans and you drive to his home?

I do.

Ah, Maine.

The Pine Tree State.

Musty smell of little lived-in vacation homes.

I can almost hear their insane governor.

Wait, where's all the plaid shirts?

That guy's wearing a tracksuit with a gold chain.

- Where are we?

- Okay, we're not in Maine.

We're in New Jersey, and we're at Ben's house.

I'm really sorry, okay?

I had to do it, and I hope one day you can forget about it.

Well, this is an outrage.

We have derelicted our duties at Later Baby, and you've kidnapped me.

A minority woman kidnapped a white man?

Okay, who would believe you in a court of law?

Hello, Bowdoin Student Affairs?

Yes, I'm calling from Later Baby.

I have been abducted by a deranged Asian woman and transported across state lines, but I promise you I will be there.

- [cell phone beeps]

- Come on, Mindy.

No, Jody, just chill out, please.

- Oh.

- Mindy.

I thought you were at that college.

No, I bailed on that.

I thought it'd be way more fun to hang out with you and Lindsay, unless she's too tired from playing all that mini golf.

[chuckles]

Well, Lindsay's actually at a sleepover.

I see that you brought Jody.

Uh, don't worry.

I'm here merely as a hostage.

Okay.

Well, would you like to come in?

Patricia's actually cooking dinner if you two want to join.

Patricia's cooking dinner for the two of you alone?

- Uh...

- Oh, Mindy.

I didn't know you were coming.

I'm sorry.

I only bought two pork chops.

[laughs]

You're gonna have to cut them into thirds, then.

That sounds like a great solution.

- Yeah.

- Oh, my God.

Do you want to take my car and just go?

- 'Cause you can.

- Are you kidding me?

I drank the entirety of my hip flask and the entirety of my boot flask.

You can't drive like that in the North.

One sec.

Hey, dude, your alcoholism is not my problem tonight, and I need your help right now, so you're gonna come inside for some g*dd*mn dinner, okay?

We're so excited to join you for dinner.

- Thank you so much, Patricia.

- Great.

- Excuse me.

- Please come in.

[knock at door]

Oh, Anna.

Everything okay?

I know it's rude to show up unannounced, but I reasoned that if I called ahead that would give you a chance to say no.

As ever, your logic is impeccable.

Please, please, come in.

Leave your shoes on my tatami mat.

Oh, I like that.

I think the world should be more Asian.

I often wear a surgical mask on the subway.

[chuckles]

Well, as I'm sure you have seen on social media, Tim has been cheating on me.

Oh, well, your feathers look a bit ruffled, but you seem remarkably calm, considering the situation.

Well, I spent the whole cab ride screaming into my purse.

Oh, careful, stress can place a real toll on the body.

Take Kate Middleton's difficult pregnancy.

Gave me a real case of the 'roids.

I don't think I needed to know that part, but I would like a place to stay tonight, because if I go to a hotel, I will stay up all night cleaning it.

You can stay here.

I have a guest room for friends and family that I've never used.

Oh, good.

Oh.

This way, this way.

Come on.

Hey, Ben, I'm just gonna help Patricia with dinner.

Make sure she doesn't stiff me on my portion.

Oh, I've got dinner under control.

Besides, you wouldn't know where everything is in my kitchen.

Okay, well, how is the house hunt coming?

You know, New Jersey prices can be incredibly expensive.

Maybe you should broaden your search to, like, Delaware, Pennsylvania, Alaska.

You would love Alaska.

I don't know.

Ben doesn't seem like he's in any hurry for me to leave.

You know what, lady?

I know what you're doing, and it's not gonna work.

I'm not doing anything.

I'm letting Ben make his own decisions.

Will he choose me, the mother of his child, or you, the mother of someone else's child?

Okay, next time you mention my son, you're gonna be drinking your dinner through a tube.

Hey, girls, I could use some help setting the table.

both: Coming!

- No, no, no, out of my way.

- [both shouting]



-year-old female, deceased, found face down in a bog.

Evidence of foul play. Suspects... manifold.

Is this the show about the middle-aged woman who goes to a sleepy town to try to solve a crime?

Oh, that's everything on the BBC...

"Broadchurch," "Happy Valley," "Snodpole," "Chamberton," "Return to Chamberton." And who is that blonde woman?

Well, she's the suspect.

Yeah, she's been accused of murdering her cheating husband, and now even her friends have turned against her.

We should watch something else.

- How are you holding up, Anna?

- Oh, I'm all right.

I should've seen the signs with Tim.

We've been sleeping in separate bedrooms for months.

I thought it was a sign of our affluence.

Oh, I can relate.

Father used to rent a flat in town, and I would share a bed with Mother.

Well, I do appreciate your being so kind to me here and at work.

Hey, you make it easy.

And in my opinion, any guy who cheats on you is a damn fool.

No, no, Anna, we can't.

You... you've been drinking.

I'm your supervisor.

Oh.

How could I be objective about your office-supply requests at work?

Oh, God, I read this all wrong.

I will find someone else to stay with, or worst case...

I'll go to Hour Fitness and exercise until dawn.

Anna.

[door opens, closes]

Jody, are you sure I can't fix you a plate?

Thank you, no.

I am hungry, but I don't want to impose on an intimate family dinner.

I think it's rude.

Hey, any luck getting a ride to get out of here?

Well, I am trying to find an Uber taxi, but I keep canceling because I don't trust these weird names.

They're all Eastern European and women.

Okay.

Patricia, this pork chop smells amazing.

It smells amazing, but does it taste amazing?

I, for one, think that taste is the most important aspect to any food.

Son of a bitch.

It's very good.

I must say, it's refreshing to see a woman who knows her way around the kitchen.

Uh, glass of red?

I bought you a bottle of your favorite local wine.

Oh, Ray Liotta Vineyards.

It's so sweet that you remembered.

Um, I also got you something, babe.

[whispering]

Give me all your cash.

Ugh.

Hurry up.

[normal voice]

It's...

it's $ from the heart.

That way, he can buy whatever he wants.

That's so sweet of both of you, but there's no need to fuss over me.

[both chuckling]

- [cell phone beeps]

- Patrick!

As if the Irish know how to drive.

[cell phone beeps]

[knock at door]

Ah, if this is another ghost, leave me alone.

- What up, Dr. Z?

- You look really sick.

Have you been to the hospital?

Yeah, they sent me home for being too annoying.

What are you doing here?

Why are you in my neighborhood?

Um, I came because I just...

I could use some company.

Come on in.

- Thank you.

- Hold on.

- Oh, oh!

Aah!

- [sneezes]

Ugh!

Hey, full disclosure...

There's Zika all over your scarf.

- Yeah, just...

- I'm gonna take it.

- Just please get it off.

- [grunting]

Oh, God, just destroy it.

[objects crunching]



You know, Patricia, if you'd feel more comfortable,

I would love to put you up at a hotel.

You know, I actually have those free days from Radisson because I was injured in a bed collapse.

Thank you, but, no.

A hotel wouldn't have so many happy memories.

Huh.

Anyone want seconds?

Mindy, you want fourths?

Ouch, what the hell?

Do you sharpen your toenails to a point?

Hey, that's rude.

They're naturally sharp.

I can do nothing about that.

The ladies at the nail salon call me Mama Hawk.

All right, Mindy, what is going on?

You barge in here unannounced.

You're rude to Trish.

You brought a guy who bought you an apartment.

Oh, don't worry, my Uber man's on his way in his...

Volvo?

I wouldn't trust a Swede to find his own elbow, much less Manhattan.

"Cancel." Okay, I had to come here because she is clearly trying to get you back.

And you know what?

She told me that at your daughter's bat mitzvah.

Oh, please, why would I say something like that to a deranged stranger?

Honestly, Ben, I don't feel safe with her in our house.

Well, it's not your house.

It belongs to the bank.

I know that 'cause I was snooping through your files.

Mindy, Trish and I have a daughter together.

She's always gonna be a part of my life.

You have to accept that.

I mean, you've come to accept my action-figure room.

Okay, fine.

Well, maybe I won't always be part of your life.

- I'm leaving.

- Wait...

Jody, we're leaving.

Oh, ride with an angry Asian-lady driver?

Oh, I'm not that drunk.

No, I'm gonna wait for Turlock?

God damn it.

[cell phone beeps]

Wait, Mindy.

[door closes]

[sighs]

Thanks for cleaning up, Ben.

I'll be upstairs.

Okay.

What?

What's wrong?

Look, I'm sorry.

I told you...

I don't have the ingredients to make Sazerac.

Well, that's all right.

You got the most important part.

Ben, I try to make it a point to leave the judging to, uh, our good Lord and the honorable Miss Judy Sheindlin, but I think you're in a bit of a pickle.

Hey, is your car coming?

Or do you want me to make up the couch for you?

When I was a boy, I had a beautiful Irish setter named Manassas.

- Okay.

- We did everything together.

We roamed the hills, fished the creeks, even licked peanut butter off each other's noses.

Then one day I hollered at old Manassas for chewing on my ball glove, and it was over.

He took off, but soon I got myself a new dog.

Hey, do you want to check your phone?

'Cause sometimes the driver texts.

My new dog was a mangy, loud, ornery old cuss named Hamhock.

Now, no one would say that Hamhock was prettier than my old dog, but Hamhock was loyal, and she was mine.

So, on that day, months later, when old Manassas finally came back from his travels, I did the only thing I could do.

I sh*t him dead.

What?

Oh, my God.

Ben, do you understand my story?

I think so.

You just drank so much whiskey.

Well, look at that.

Ben, face it.

It's like that old saying we have in the South...

[exaggerated Southern accent]

"That woman is trying to get back with you." I guess I liked that two women were fighting over me.

Hey, I get it.

The only thing better is having three women fighting over you.

- Ask the Dixie Chicks about that.

- [chuckles]

I'm gonna go talk to her.

Thanks, Jody.

Sure.

Hey, feel free to finish up the whis...

Wow, all gone.

Good work.

Dave in an Oldsmobile...

now, that I can work with.

- [knock at door]

- Just push it in.

The lock's been broken for months.

[chuckles]

Uh, hello.

Uh, I just wanted to make sure you got home safe.

And I thought you might be hungry, because, well, that's usually a safe bet.

You brought me McDonald's?

- Yeah.

- Thank you, Jody.

Oh, man, an Egg McMuffin and French fries?

I love all-day breakfast.

I can't wait to eat this whole bag.

Well, some of that stuff's for me, but y-you go to town.

Hey, I'm really sorry that I bailed on our trip to Bowdoin, but I called them, and I rescheduled our presentation, and we're gonna be doing it during Spring Fling.

I already got my fake ID.

Okay, but I'm not letting you drive this time.

[laughs]

And I'm really sorry that I dragged you to New Jersey against your will.

I got to stop taking hostages.

And what even was the point?

Because Ben and Patricia are probably having sex on top of their divorce paperwork as we speak.

Oh, I wouldn't be too sure about that, Hamhock...

Mindy.

[clears throat]

Listen, I don't like the way things have been between us.

- Me neither.

- Can we be friends again?

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Friends with sexual tension?

- Okay.

So what are we watching?

This is "Batman v Superman." Wait, why are they dueling?

Aren't they both on the same side of justice?

Yeah, it's a little confusing.

I think they're trying to figure out which one of them is hotter.

Mm.

Oh, that's that boy from "Peal Harbor." - Yes, good eye.

- Thank you.

Okay, some backstory... he was with "Maid in Manhattan." And then he got married to " Going on ." That clarifies nothing for me, no.

[cell phone vibrates]

[cell phone vibrates]

[chuckles]

Anna?

I didn't know you slept.

Mindy, uh, I must have nodded off during my Arabic exercises.

Whoa, you look bad.

Excuse me?

Oh, no, I'm sorry.

I just...

I've never seen you rumpled before.

I was starting to think you might be a robot.

Oh, that's why you keep dumping cups of water on me.

It is.

Hey, I heard about what happened with Tim.

I'm really sorry.

Cheating is not okay, unless you're the Patriots.

It's just nothing like this has ever happened to me before.

I-I don't even think I can go back to the brownstone to get my wrist weights.

I can feel myself losing arm tone.

Do you have a place to stay?

Uh, I don't know.

Honestly, I've never lived alone before.

First it was home, and then Miss Tipton's School for Girls, and then Swarthmore, and then Harvard Med, and then I met Tim.

Damn, #AnnaSoWhite.

I don't even know how to find an apartment.

Do I write a letter to the mayor?

Look, Anna, why don't you just stay with me for a while?

Really?

I must warn you, most of my female roommates have tried to become me.

Yeah, that might happen.

Okay, here are the house rules.

You have to laugh at all my jokes.

You have to applaud all my outfits.

You can eat vegetables, just not in front of my son.

So I just...

I won't eat, then.

- [thud]

- What's up, ladies?

I know, I know.

I have Zika.

Shh.

But I missed you guys, and I...

I'm feeling a lot better.

You look really sick.

I feel great.

I...

- Aah!

- Oh!

Morgan!

Oh, my God!

- Is he dead?

- I don't think so.

- Morgan, don't you dare die.

- Ugh.

I need you pick up my dry cleaning later.

Go to bed.