05x11 - Dibs

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Thank you, Mindy,
for letting me stay here

and forcing me to wear matching pajamas

with you and your infant son.

Those actually used to be Danny's.

You're the same size.

Mm. But I should probably get
dressed for work.

What? Sit that tiny butt down.

I already called in sick for you.

But I'm not sick.

My temperature is a normal . degrees.

I've never wasted a sick day
on actually being sick.

You're heartbroken. You need
to focus on what's important

and nourish your soul.

I'll put Leo down for his nap
and show you what I mean.

Welcome to the whackateria.

Interesting. But just to be clear,

is this p*rn

or a documentary
about human trafficking?

Good question. Kind of both.

This is Sploders.com.

It's the Willy Wonka Factory,
but for perverts.

So, what's your sexual thing?
They'll definitely have it.

Oh, no, nothing.
Just normal sex with men.

Anna, sweetheart,

you are far too uptight
to not have a kink, okay?

You can tell me. I'm not gonna judge.

Mine is biracial job interviews.

Hairy backs.

All right. That's a good girl.

"Armenian restaurant owner
breaks in new cook."

This is a good one.

It is hot in kitchen.

Maybe I should take off shirt.

Mindy, didn't you say
you had some laundry to fold?

Oh, no... oh.

Yeah. Yes, I do.

- Horgash likes that.
- Ooh.

[hip-hop music]

♪ Doo-doo-doo it's a beautiful morning ♪

All right.

[ukulele music]

Oh, God! Karen!

What are you doing in here?

Oh, hey, Morgan.

I changed your closet
into a recording studio.

I hope you don't mind
I moved your shirt and pant.

Hey! Why'd you stop playing, beautiful?

I was really groovin' out there
making our Fruity Pebs.

Morgan, is Karen not
the sickest musician?

I've heard better.

She's got such a unique voice.

It's like Carole King
with real bad allergies.

- Mm-hmm.
- Actually, I don't even have

that much vocal training,

unless you count three years
being a whale caller

for the Alaskan Coast Guard.

Huh?

Hey, um, I have a date with Dina,

the lady who works at the cafeteria.

Dina? She's, like, a smoke show.

- Yeah.
- Are you sure

you got a sh*t, man?

She laughs at all my jokes.

And I'm not sure she understands
what I'm saying

- 'cause her English is so bad.
- Oh.

But it is on, so I would like
to bring her back here tonight.

Ooh, no can do, buddy.

It's... it's our three-week anniversary,

so we're gonna go to fifth base.

It's a lesbian thing.

- Okay.
- Super important.

No. No, no, no. Good for you guys.

I support you as always.

I'm gonna see if Dina can reschedule.

Aw. God, you're a good friend.

Thanks, bud.

- Big plans this weekend?
- You know. The usual. GTL.

Like "Jersey Shore"? Gym, Tan, Laundry?

Gin, Tonic, Lacework.

Hello, Jeremy.

I was at the coffee shop getting
my morning hot water

and I saw this scone...
would you like it?

Thank you, Anna. That's so considerate.

And people wonder why I always carry

a small jar of currant jam on my person.

- Enjoy.
- Thanks, Anna.

Uh, did you just notice anything?

Yes. The Americans call this a scone,

but it's neither dry nor mealy.

No, dummo. Anna's into you.

No.

I mean, there was this one time where...

no, I mustn't speak of it.

What? You know all my secrets.

I told you my pin number. It's...

[together] - - -
because it spells "BOOB."

Okay, fine. The night that Anna was

staying at my apartment...

you know, when she left Tim...

she kissed me.

Oh, my God. Why didn't you pounce?

She's so hot.
She's like one of those girls

that tried to drown me at camp.

She was intoxicated,
and she'd just left Tim,

and we work together.

Mindy, it would be inappropriate.

Inappropriate?
Everyone here is inappropriate.

- That's true.
- You got to ask her out.

Hey, Dina.

Can we move our date?

- [both giggling]
- Shh!

Having some roomie drama.

Damn, Karen, I had to get you alone

because your shoulders look so
sharp in that blouse. Come here.

Oh, God!

- I am so sorry.
- Hello? Hello?

Ugh!

- Hey.
- Hey.

Trying to make a sexy phone call.

I'm sorry. I didn't even see you there.

It's just my bangs are getting so long.

You know, I got to say
I had more privacy

when I lived with my grandmother,

and our toilet was in the kitchen.

Excuse me. Get out of the way, please.

Whew.

I got to talk to you.

Do you have anyone in your life

that is just so annoying.

I mean, they're just always
up in your personal space,

and they're not mean...
they're just so annoying!

I know exactly
what you're talking about.

- What do you do?
- [clattering]

What I do in this instance is

I try to use body language

that is clear and obvious

to indicate that I want them to leave.

Yeah. No, no, no, no, but what
if they just...

they don't understand subtle
communication like me and you?

Get out. You are wasting my time.

I could try saying that to Karen,

but I don't know
how she's gonna take it.

- Morgan, get out.
- Okay, okay. No, no, no.

Morgan, colon, dialogue, "Get out!"

I get it. Will it work?

But you're right.
I've got to stand up for myself.

I'm gonna keep my date with Dina.

Get the hell out of here!

Aah, I know! I can't believe
I've got a hot date too!

Ahh.

Oh, my God. I got to go.

Can't just sit in here
and gab with you all day.

I know you'd love that. Yeah!

Aah!

So I told the TSA woman,

if you're gonna pat down
my breasts for this long,

- I'd like to be paid.
- Excuse me, Jeremy.

I was hoping you could
take a look at Mrs. Suarez.

She wants a second opinion.
Her fetus doesn't like me.

Second opinion? I'm flattered.

People around here
normally ignore my opinions.

Mrs. Suarez is in
the exam room when you're ready.

Now isn't she a breath of fresh air?

Now that she's had a week
to get over her marriage,

I think I'm gonna ask her on a date.

She's the kind of woman

mother would come down
from the attic for.

Hm.

Hey, man, you need
to get on this Anna thing fast.

A girl that hot
does not stay single for long.

I can hear Leonardo DiCaprio
turning his yacht around

as we speak.

Ah, this is so stressful.
I haven't journalled

through my feelings on the topic.

[exclaims]

You know what? You're a loser,

and you should stay single till you die,

or you should marry your bird.

Yeah, as if that's legal.

Fine. I like her. I'm gonna ask her out.

I just... as Jody's friend,

I've got to tell him first.

Boo. Male friendships are boring.

The only friendships
worth thinking about are

Gayle and Oprah or, like,

a young African-American boy
and his Jewish chess master.

Yeah, you've already told me
that movie idea.

I love it.

Good luck!

Well, hi, Jeremy. Come on in.

I'm just popping in to let you know

I'm gonna be asking Anna out on a date.

Okay, bye.

Oh, sweetie, no.

Maybe you misheard me.

I'm gonna be asking Anna out.

No. I heard you.
It's just I also like Anna.

And I think she likes me too.

In fact, she kissed me the other day.

So? She kissed me too.

- What?
- And also I called dibs,

and you know the rules.

You can't call dibs on an adult woman

like she's the last comfy chair
at movie night.

Why don't you go find yourself
another nice girl?

As long as it's somebody I
haven't already called dibs on,

you're good to go.

Oh, I see. I see.

I'm meant to let you do
whatever the hell it is you like

just because you're the alpha
and I'm the beta.

Well, I wouldn't put it that way.

I'd say I'm the strong, decisive leader,

and you're the sensitive musical one

who looks up to me, the alpha.

Oh, did I go and say it?

Just because my best friends
are a piano and a bird

doesn't make me the beta.

I'm asking Anna out, and I don't
give a damn what you think.

Tamra, I haven't been
on the social scene

since I fell down the steps
at the opera.

What would be an impressive first date

for a woman that, you know,
I really want to wow.

Now, this is a real woman

and not like the time
you got catfished...

- ...by a man with no arms and no legs.
- By a man with no arms and no legs.

No. This is a real woman, Tamra.

First, take her to dinner at Helsinki.

It's that new ice restaurant

that just opened up in Rhom-Tri.

- The rhombus under Tribeca.
- Okay.

Oh, and then take her to see that play

where Jake Gyllenhaal just moves
furniture around the stage.

- Furniture, Jake Gyllenhaal.
- If you do those two things,

you know what the third thing
you're gonna do is.

The apple crumble for dessert
at Serendipity. Scrumptious.

You might run into Dr. K,
'cause I told him

to do the same stuff with Anna

on their first date tomorrow night.

Jody's already asked Anna out?

He got her dad's permission
and everything.

- [sighs]
- Who are you asking out?

Your partner from salsa class?

Tamra, you know we have an odd number,

and I am forced to dance
with Instructor Carlos.

Hey, Anna. Wanna prank call
pizza places with me?

I think you'd be really good at it.

I don't think so. I have some
paperwork I need to do tonight.

- Okay, well...
- [knocking at door]

Hey, what are you doing here?

I was just in the neighborhood,

and I thought to myself,

"Well, got some Prosecco

"and some strawberries
and clotted cream,

"a jigsaw puzzle.

Why not pop in on my old mate Mindy?"

- Huh? This is weird.
- That's not weird.

Just want to hang out with you,
that's all.

And anyone else who happens to be here.

Oh, Leo. I'm sorry, man.

I don't know how to tell you this,

but he thinks you're lame.

Well, it's...

- [whispering] Oh, Anna?
- Yes, you idiot.

Jody's taking her on a date
tomorrow night,

so time is of the essence.

Please just help me out.

Anna, guess who's here? It's Jeremy.

Oh, hello, Jeremy.

What are you doing here?

Oh, this is totally normal.

He comes over all the time
to watch movies.

- We eat snotted cream.
- Clotted cream.

But honestly, Jeremy, old chum,

tonight I won't be able to join you

because my bowels are rumblin'.

[whispers] Just say you're tired.

[grunting] I feel bad.

Ah, man, well,
I'm gonna call it a night.

For your safety, do not go
near the bathroom.

For God's sake.

Turn the fan on.

So, dare I pour us a snort of Prosecco?

Oh, uh, okay.

But just a splash, because I really need

to finish this paperwork tonight.

I hear you. Work is important.

So, I warn you,
this English clotted cream is

somewhat clottier
than what you're used to.

I wonder if Mindy has a cream caddy.

- This is my room.
- Big.

Yeah. I got the top bunk.

- That's hot.
- Yeah, it is hot.

Do you... do you want a boost?
'Cause I broke the ladder

on Christmas morning...
I came down too...

- Yeah. Sure, sure. Push me up.
- Great, great, great.

[grunts] Got you. Oh, yeah. Here we go.

Oh, no. Oh.

[grunts] Pull.

You are big man.

I brac-ed feet.

Just go. Big man.

There we go. Oh, my God.

Morgan, make sex to me.

Oh, your turtleneck... it's so itchy.

Oh, oh, my God. Hey, do me a favor.

Put on the hair net.
Put it on. I got to see it.

- Oh, God!
- [screams]

- No, no, no, no, no!
- Oh, no! I'm sorry!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I was just... I was recording in there.

I think the microphone
did pick up some kissing noises,

so I am gonna need to get you
to sign a release.

- Stop it.
- Oh, no.

I think I sprained my scooping hand.

I need for the scoop!

I'm finished in the cafeteria.

They'll put me on the registers.

Oh, no, no.

Morgan, I don't want to see you again.

Stay out of my cafeteria.

From now on, you go
to the Garden Street Cafe,

level B .

- I don't have panini money.
- Level B .

I can't go. I can't go.
Dina, Dina, Dina!

Oh, my God.

Everywhere I go, Karen, you're there.

Work, home...

those are the only two places I go,

but you're always there.

And I'm gonna say to you

what I say to all the penguins
at the zoo:

"Go back to Alaska, you weirdos!"

Time to dig into this puzzle.

Um, I actually...
I have some stuff I need to do.

Oh, but it's of the doors
of Rochester, New York.

- My hometown?
- Is it?

Is it really? What a coincidence

that my random choice

should have some personal
significance to you.

Okay, here we go.

Okay, so, the easiest way is

finding the corners.

- Jeremy...
- It's actually easiest

because they're
in a very specific shape.

- I don't want to do this.
- They're in a rectangle,

and we don't need to worry
with these little knobbly bits.

- Jeremy, please put it away.
- And then we

lay down the corners, and then...

[shouting] Please put the puzzle away.

I don't want to do this.

I misjudged it. I'm so sorry.

My mistake.

Aah!

[exhales]

Oh, no, no, no, Anna, don't cry.

The puzzle's fine. The puzzle's okay.

These papers took the brunt of it.

"State of New York divorce filing"?

Oh, Anna, I'm sorry.

It's okay.

[sniffles]

I'm sorry if I was short with you.

No, no. Come on.

It's just I got to the part
in the paperwork

where I have to list
Tim's transgressions,

which hasn't been easy
because there's been so many.

Maybe I could help.

No, I actually helped my mother
with her divorce paperwork

from father,

and then later when she divorced
Sheik Mahmoud.

Why don't you tell me what to write,

and I'll write it down?

- You would do that?
- Of course.

You know, I actually became
a doctor for the paperwork.

Heh.

[springs squeaking]

Morgan!

Hey! Whoa! No, no, no, no, no.

Hey! Hey! I got the sign up!

Come on, man. [grunts]

Why did I get a text from my girlfriend

saying she's not coming
to our apartment anymore?

Because she ruined my night of passion.

That is not passion.

Let me tell you something.
I got Dina back here.

Finally. And we were
getting in our underwear,

and all of a sudden,
Karen pops out of my closet

like a ghost, and I fling Dina
across the room.

You know how hard it is to get a woman

to come back to your apartment

when you live stops off the subway.

I'm just gonna be real with you.
Your girlfriend's

- really annoying.
- Mm.

Yeah, she's always
running around this apartment

practicing her yo-yo,

and she hit one of my dogs in the eye,

and he has to wear an eye patch.

Scooter looks like an idiot!

- Scooter is an idiot!
- You're an idiot!

- Arg! It's clobbering time!
- [grunts]

[shouts]

[both grunting]

[shouting and grunting]

[dogs barking]

Stop. Tap out. Tap out. Oh, oh!

Okay, I can't afford steroids like you.

I won't put you in another headlock,

but you got to listen to me.

Karen was the first girl I've
liked in a really long time,

and you messed it up.

[dogs whine]

I'm going for a bike ride.

Colette, I...

Colette, I'm sorry.

Colette, come back here, please.

I'm sorry!

Et tu, Scooter?

[sighs]

He cheated on me constantly.

He slept with the caterer
during the father-daughter dance

at our wedding.

I could hear his moans from the closet

over Suga Suga's "How'd You Get So Fly."

I'll just put "various infidelities."

Thank you for helping me
with this, Jeremy.

It really has made it a lot easier.

Well, you know, I like being here,

even under the circumstances.

[pager beeping]

Oh, it's the hospital.

I guess one of my patients went
into labor early.

I really do appreciate
the company tonight, Jeremy.

- Oh.
- Oh, and, um,

if you wouldn't mind checking
on Mindy...

I think she fell asleep on the toilet.

Right.

Dr. Ziev is on her way.

What birthing suite would you
like for us to prep?

Oh, that won't be necessary.

But could you find me an ice bucket?

Never mind. I'll just fill a
bedpan with ice from the morgue.

Uh, what are you doing

on the floor of the scrub-in room?

Well, I just couldn't wait
for our date tomorrow,

so I decided to throw you
a spontaneous picnic.

I'm sorry. Did you just take
a photograph of me?

I just want to document the moment.

Can I pour you some rosé?

No. I can't drink.

I got called in for a procedure.

Well, good news!

I made that up to get you here.

Yay, romantic ruse!

Would you like a water cr*cker?

Are you out of your mind?

I just called Stephanie Ruiz's husband

in Afghanistan.

Oops.

But now that you're here,

why don't you take a seat?

This is insane.

And unhygienic.

Do you have any idea how much placenta

must have been tracked on this floor?

I took a wet wipe to it.

I'm leaving.

For one thing, I'm not comfortable

with how close those candles are
to that oxygen t*nk.

Oh, idiots.

How'd it go with Anna?

You know, I think I laid
some really good groundwork.

I was a great shoulder to cry on,

very masculine,

and also I took your advice

and didn't once mention my harp
lessons or sleeping gloves.

Oh, my God, Jeremy. This might happen.

Oh, I'm gonna give
the best speech at your wedding.

[phone buzzes]

Ooh, you're blowing up.
Let's see who it is.

Mm.

Oh.

Never mind.

There's not gonna be a wedding.

I mean, unless it's
between Anna and Jody.

- All is lost.
- What are you talking about?

Oh, come on.

Hey, man, I'm really sorry.

But you know what? I'm not gonna
go to their wedding.

But they're both really rich.
It'll be really fun.

You know what? I'm not gonna
go to their brunch.

I never do. I'm always too hungover.

Thanks?

- Hey, Karen.
- Morgan! Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh.
I am so sorry about yesterday.

That was my second-worst
coming out of the closet.

The third was telling my parents
I was gay.

Wait. I'm sorry.
You're apologizing to me?

I wrote you a song on the
ukulele to make up for it.

It's called "When Morgans Cry."

♪ How could I anger such a large man? ♪

Shh, shh, shh. Stop, stop, stop.

I appreciate that gesture,

and I know you're trying.

The singing is the core problem
I'm having with you.

I know that I can be pretty irritating.

Do you know that I had to leave Alaska

because I was so annoying?

They sent me into Canada on
a dog sled while I was asleep.

I have not always been
this charismatic chick magnet

- that stands before you.
- Really?

You know what I've been called?

Annoying.

They made a movie about me on Lifetime

called "Unbearable:
The Morgan Tookers Story."

- Whoa.
- I've been called

a lot of stuff: intolerable,

bad storyteller,

the worst thing ever
on the Lifetime network.

My high school paid me $ to
not go to my ten-year reunion.

Maybe you and I have more
in common than I thought.

And we've both been in Colette's pants.

- Oh.
- I'm wearing them right now.

- Oh!
- Yeah. I spilled...

one of the Mexican corns on my pants.

- Oh, yeah. Uh-oh.
- Yeah, I know.

We got to make this work.

Okay. I promise I'm gonna
be real normal from now on.

You won't regret it.

There you go.

♪ How could I anger such a large man? ♪

I'll give it back to you later on.

Oh, okay.

See you later.

[crashing]

Oh.

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

This is the downtown local.

Station stop is nd Street.

Stand clear
of the closing doors, please.

- Good morning.
- Good morning, Jeremy.

You know what? No.

It's... it's not a good morning.
It's a bad morning!

What you did yesterday was ungentlemanly

and unsportsmanlike,

and just... just really shitty.

I liked Anna, Jody. I really liked her.

And I am sick of only being allowed

to date women that you've passed on.

Well, guess what.
From now on, I call dibs...

on everyone in this subway,

everyone in the entire world.

On... on... on that one.
And on that one there.

And that Asian woman.

And on S. Epatha Merkerson
on that ad for "Chicago Med,"

which looks pretty good...
got to be honest.

And on her!

I...

You know what? Good for you.
I was hoping this would happen.

You've finally stood up for yourself.

Now I can cancel my date
with Anna tonight.

- Really?
- You know this whole

dating thing was just a trick

to get you to stand up for yourself.

Oh, my God.

She rejected you, didn't she?

No, no. That is wrong.

I tricked her into thinking
she rejected me.

She rejected you,

and that must mean that she likes me.

But only because I wanted it.

Let's not forget I am
the victorious party here.

She likes me. Whoo!

Aah!

Good morning, Jeremy.

I just wanted to thank you
for last night.

I was so emotional
I snapped the handles off

an elliptical machine.

I don't know what I would have
done without you.

Anna, you don't need to say any more.

[sighs]

I understand completely.

And I feel the same way.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Oh, my God.
- What are you doing?

I'm so sorry. It's just...

you rejected Jody,
and I thought that maybe...

Oh, for Christ's sake.

- Oh.
- Come with me.

Everyone,

I have an announcement.

I am currently going through a divorce.

This is not easy for me as a WASP.

I am not comfortable talking about love,

money, lawyers, hardship...

basically anything besides the weather

and a few select towns in Connecticut.

But for the record,

I did not leave my cheating husband

because I'm dying to date

one of the tiny number of men
in this office.

I disagree.

- I don't know your name.
- It's Morgan.

Homegirl, there's no use
putting up a fight.

I gave the same exact speech,

and then, against all laws of nature,

ended up dating Morgan for two years.

He was terrible.

I disagree.

There's something very wrong
with this office.

We don't all have to date each other

just because we're in close
proximity to one another, okay?

Normal offices don't work like that.

So, please, don't hit on me

and don't try to kiss me.

I won't like it.

Thank you for your time.

Hey, do you think that
applies to women too?

- No, mm-mm.
- Wow.

That was pretty embarrassing
for the pair of us.

Let's never speak of it again.

Drink the memories away in your office?

Way ahead of you, brother.

[clears throat]

[whistling]

[light instrumental music]

♪ ♪

Go to bed.