05x12 - Mindy Lahiri Is a White Man

[bunniefuu]

Thank you for coming to
this job interview,

Dr. "La-hior-i."

- Lahiri.
- You sure about that?

Just ask me the g*dd*mn questions.

Yeah. [clears throat]

Why should you be the next
head of obstetrics

at Saint Brendan's?

Well, I'm extremely
passionate about the department,

and I am the owner of a very
successful fertility clinic.

And I was recently made honorary
captain of a booze cruise, so...

Practicing for your interview, I see.

Well, isn't that precious?

I don't really need to practice.

I just look like a leader.

Okay, well, these days
leaders are more likely

to look like me.

Michelle Obama, Kamala Harris,
Gabrielle Union.

Well, Mindy, I just hope
you're not too torn up

when I swoop in and steal
this job out from under you.

Let me remind you we work in gynecology,

and you ain't got no vag*na.

True, but what I lack
in vaginal ownership,

I more than make up for
in extracurricular research.

And I've been told I have
a very paintable face,

perfect for boardroom portraits,
so I'm not worried.

I'm sure they'll pick the right fella.

- Mm.
- Hmm.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[sighs]

Hello. Remember me?

I'm Irene. Irene Lee?

Are you nervous?

Oh, I am. I haven't been this scared

since our med school class
did an evening of sketch comedy.

Sweat right through
my Austin Powers costume.

Yeah, I'm sorry to interrupt you,

but I don't think it's such a good idea

for us to be chitchatting.

Why not?

We're the only two minority women here,

so I don't want them to think
we're some little Asian clique.

- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry.
- No, but it's not me.

I love talking.

If it was up to me, we'd just sit here,

and I would talk to you all day.

Sure, I get it.

Well, that went rather well.

But I wish you all the best.

And, ladies, don't get rattled
if you walk in there

and they're still laughing
at that Hillary joke I told.

Dr. Lahiri.

Yes. I'm her. Yeah, I'm her.

I'm coming right now.

I would also like to institute
a more streamlined,

hospital-wide email system.

Hmm. Uh, Dr. Lahiri,

I understand you're a single...

uh, you... you recently...
but without a...

Not that you...

Oh, I'm a single mother.

- You're a single mom.
- Yes.

Can you balance that with
doing this stressful job?

Absolutely.

I mean, having a child
has actually given me

so much more focus.

Oh, and I don't exercise.

So that's an extra ten minutes a day

that goes just towards work.

[chuckling] I see.

And as a leader, do you have the ability

to keep your emotions at bay

and think logically
under stressful situations?

My emotions?
Oh, I've learned to eat those.

Not a problem. Yeah, for sure.

Do you ask everyone that question?

Yes, of course.

Uh, finally, is there anything
else you'd like to tell us?

I just wanted to say
what an honor it would be

to lead this department.

When I first entered
this hospital years ago,

what with its modern facilities

and perfectly breaded hospital
cafeteria chicken fingers,

I thought, wow, this is my home.

And under my leadership,
I would want to make sure

that all of my patients' babies
would enter this world

in a loving and peaceful environment.

Thank you for your consideration.

[phone ringing]

Hey, Jody, I think you butt-dialed me.

So you better hang up before
you start having sex.

No, no. I called you on purpose.

They just emailed out the times

for those candidates
getting final-round interviews.

Mine's at : .

I can't decide if I should
wear my breakfast blazer

or my noonday suit.

It's a real good spot.

I'm right between two fellas
with chronic halitosis,

so I'll be a literal breath
of fresh air.

When is your second interview?

Mindy? Mindy?
Mindy, are you still there?

I actually haven't checked

because I don't even
want the job anymore

because my life is so perfect.

I hope someone else gets it, actually.

#blessed.

Oh, Mindy, what a shame.

You didn't make the cut.

Well, on the bright side,
you'll have more time

to online shop and
follow the saucy adventures

of Miss Olivia Pope.

What the hell?

I am way more qualified than Jody.

I created the hospital
Hawaiian Shirt Day.

That almost took off.

White men get to do everything.

They can hail cabs,

direct Hollywood movies,

host late-night talk shows.

They can even write
in the snow with their pee.

[sighs] I wish I was a white man.

[smooth music]

♪ ♪

Whoa, I slept like a log.

- [yawns]
- Is there a gas leak?

[gasps]

My hands are white.

My voice is low.

I have a...

[gasps] Circumcision?

[hip-hop music]

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

Oh, whoa, that is what it's like

to stand up with strong core muscles.

Okay. Okay.

Mindy's voice: Ooh, damn!

I'm kinda bangable.

Check out my butt. Juicy.

Whoa, am I giving myself a boner?

Cool.

Okay, chill out. You asked for this.

So you're a white man now.

Whoa, bitch, you're a white man now.

Wow, everything about my life
is different as a guy.

Look at this man cave.

Leather furniture,
football stuff, humidor.

So who the hell am I?

Michael Lancaster? That's white as hell.

Basically a Whit Stillman character.

Whoa, I'm so white I know
who Whit Stillman is.

Mindy's voice: Man, that is
a lot of light brown.

Guess I'm not a gay man.

Hmm, no ring.

Looks like I'm a divorced baby daddy.

I bet some skank took me
for all I'm worth.

Ooh, I have to pee.
This is gonna be cool.

Whoa, Niagara Falls much?

I wish my shower had this kind
of water pressure.

Well, now that that's out of the way,

let's see what else this bad boy can do.

Well, it's definitely
not as good for guys.

It's much easier though.

And the finish certainly
has a wow factor.

Oh, crap! I'm late for work!

I'm never gonna get ready in time!

Mindy's voice: What the hell?

Guys can get dressed in no time

and still look great.

I even have time for one more...

Remember, you're a white guy
named Michael.

You like sports, and chicks,
and classic rock.

Hi, Tam... [clears throat]

[deep voice] Morning, Tamra.

Good morning, Dr. L.
How was your evening?

Really?

But you never ask me how my evening was.

Usually when I walk in,
you tell me I'm late

and I have a stain on my poncho.

Dr. L, you're hilarious.

Obvious, I know.
I'm basically Kevin Hart.

But I cr*ck hilarious jokes
constantly around here,

and no one ever laughs.

[laughs] You're on a roll.

Mindy's voice: Whoa, for
the first time in my life,

women find me charming.

People find me charming.

Everyone, I have
an important announcement.

Oh.

Wait, none of you are rolling your eyes

or making false guesses
that would ultimately insult me.

Why would we do that?

If you have an announcement
to make, Mike,

we would certainly like to hear it.

Should I take notes?

No, no, no.

Um, my announcement is

I hope everyone has a terrific day.

- Ohh.
- Well.

- That's nice.
- Yeah.

You have a terrific day too, Mike.

Hear, hear. What an effective
use of our time.

[snorts]

Dr. L, I got your usual
from the drug store.

Ah, my eye serum? My gout cream?

What? No, it's
Mega Mass weight gain powder.

Remember, you're trying to
bulk up for swimsuit season?

Holy sh*t. I'm trying to gain weight?

Mindy's voice: Being a white man rules.

Hey!

No, never mind. Sorry, thank you.

["On Top of the World"
by Imagine Dragons]

Ohh!

♪ I'm on top of the world, hey ♪

♪ I'm on top of the world, hey ♪

♪ Waiting on this for a while now ♪

No, I'm good.

♪ I've been waiting to smile, hey ♪

♪ Been holding it in for a while, hey ♪

So you're fine
with this course of treatment?

You're not gonna disagree with me

because you read something
different on WebMD?

No, of course not.
I mean, you're the doctor.

Whatever you say goes.

Okay.

Mindy's voice:
Turns out, everyone's right.

Being a white man is the best.

I can eat whatever I want.

People think everything
I say is hilarious.

And all of culture is designed

to entertain and delight me.

[knocking]

Dr. L, it's time
for your second-round interview

at the hospital.

I brought your blue shirt,

'cause it makes your eyes
look more lupine.

Wait, I got a second-round interview?

Wait, my eyes are blue?

Of course you got a second interview.

You're Dr. L.
People never say no to you.

Remember that policeman
let you sh**t his g*n?

Mindy's voice: Wow,
the meritocracy is real.

As long as you're male and white.

[indistinct chatter]

Michael!

Hey. How you doing?

We, uh... we play racquetball together.

- Ah.
- We do?

You're right, can't call
what we do playing, right?

Well, Mike and I go way back as well.

Our kids have the same ADHD doctor.

Between your little monsters and mine,

we bought that psychiatrist
his boat, am I right?

So should I talk to you guys
about my qualifications?

No, it's okay. No, we know 'em.

Well, if you guys are worried

that I won't be able to juggle
this job with my three kids,

don't be because...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Why would we worry about that?

I mean, doesn't Nicole
take care of them at her house?

Oh, no.

Did Nicole have to go back
to Tranquil Palms?

I thought the shocks were working.

No, no, no, she's fine. I think.

But don't I need to tell you why
I would be an effective leader?

I mean, I heard you were
asking other people that, so...

I don't need to ask you.

I can tell you're a good leader
just by looking at you.

Yeah, I'd follow
that jaw line off a cliff.

Mindy's voice: Damn, I could
get used to this.

Awesome.

So is that it?

Bros?

You know, look, between you and me,

and we're gonna meet
with a couple other people,

but you got this thing locked in.

[chuckling]

I'm dying for a Scotch. Is it noon?

Well, this has been
an honor and a privilege.

A real male privilege.

Guys, this day is amazing.

I k*lled it at my job interview,

and then at a restaurant
I ate a whole rack of ribs

and no one looked grossed out.

That's great, Michael.
Jody also crushed his interview.

Thank you.

Oh, of course,
'cause you're also a white man.

Yes, I am.

I was voted whitest
in my high school class,

- in a very competitive year.
- Oh.

So, um, just to be clear,

did no women get second interviews?

Like who? Like that little
dust devil, Dr. Lee?

No. She is not leadership material.

Unless it's leader of, like,
say a women's book club or...

[laughing]

Well, you know very well

that I'm the leader of that book club.

Ohh.

We are reading
"The Hours" at the moment.

Although really, it's just an excuse

to get together and drink Zin.

But anyway, kudos to the two of you.

Yeah, we should celebrate.

Check out da club.
Have a real lads' night.

Wait, I'm invited?

Aren't you guys worried
about me getting too drunk

and belching or groping someone?

[laughter]

We'd be disappointed if you didn't.

Michael, you have to come.

We can't very well have a lads' night

with just two of the Three Muff-keteers.

Mindy's voice: What's this new feeling?

- Okay.
- Mindy's voice: Inclusion.

[hip-hop music]

- There we go.
- Party time.

- Cheers, gentlemen.
- Cheers.

Okay.

[all groan]

Mindy's voice: Whoa, I really felt that.

I guess this is what it's like
to have % body fat.

How 'bout another round, fellas?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, I'll have

a strawberry daiquiri
with extra whipped cream.

A what?

Actually just the whipped cream.

I have a C-section in the morning,

and I don't want to be hungover for it.

Can't wear sunglasses
during a procedure, I've tried.

Yeah, like a procedure's
ever stopped you.

Besides, these are from
our new friends over there.

Whoa, the only person
I've ever sent a drink to

is Wolf Blitzer,
and he threw it in my face.

Cheers, you guys.

[sighs]

Hello, good evening.

Hi. I like your eyes.

Thank you. I like your lip gloss.

Is that Kylie Jenner?
That stuff is the best.

Huh?

I mean, it's the best tasting.

Like, when I'm macking
on honeys, hey-yo!

You're weird.

But that's cool because you're so hot.

[laughter]

Mindy's voice:
Well, I guess this makes up

for none of my female friends
wanting to experiment

with me in college.

[sighs]

[groans]

Mindy's voice: Whoa, there's
a naked girl in my bed.

Double whoa, three condoms!

Damn, I'm a stud.

Oh, she slept over? How thirsty.

[groans]

Hey.

Hey.

You were... amazing last night.

[chuckles]

Except for when you kept
trying to go down on yourself.

I got confused.

Last night was cool.

I think it made me gay.

What?

Damn it!

Why does this keep happening to me?

Oh, no, no, I'm gonna miss my delivery.

Down, down, get down! I gotta pee.

[groans]

Tamra, hey, where's my patient?
Is she okay?

- She's dead.
- What?

Ha ha ha ha. J/K, J/K, J/K.

She's fine.
Dr. Lee's doing your caesarean.

- Don't worry.
- Oh, Dr. Lee?

No, if that baby imprints on a loser,
it'll be lame for life.

Let's cut.

All right, we're all done.

Great job, everybody.

Got a beautiful baby girl.

Mindy's voice: Hold on,
Dr. Lee just did that

in half the time it would have taken me.

Have I been all wrong about her?

She may wear shoes that
make her feet look prosthetic,

but it looks like Irene Lee
is a great doctor.

Great job.

- Irene!
- Ahh!

Sorry, I guess that's scary
when a man does it.

Hey, thank you so much
for covering for me.

I'm so sorry, but I have a good excuse.

I slept with a woman for the first time,

- and if I may...
- It's okay.

I'm used to covering for you guys

when you drink too much.

I can't drink, because of
my irritable bowel syndrome.

Well, I just wanted to say
I watched the whole delivery,

and I had no idea you were
such a good surgeon.

I mean, how on Earth did you
not get a second interview

for the department head job and I did?

I don't know,

but I'm sure they have their reasons.

But listen, I'm rooting for you,

even though up until this moment
you've never talked to me.

If you'll excuse me,
I'm going to treat myself

to some post-surgery raisins.

Mindy's voice: Ugh, what is
this feeling?

- [sighs]
- Mindy's voice: Rats.

Stupid conscience.

Ah, Michael, howdy-doo?

Say, maybe you can help me out here.

Got a second interview for
that department head job,

but I don't know which tie to wear.

Stripes or foxy lady?

You got a second interview?

I was surprised too.

After a few costly mistakes,

I was getting ready to retire.

Yeah, I was gonna move
closer to my daughter,

try to make amends with her wife,

but who am I to say no to a raise, hmm?

Mindy's voice: Even that bag of bones

got a second interview and Irene didn't?

Tamra, Tamra.

What's up, Dr. L?

You need a sh*t of penicillin again?

You're gonna become immune.

Can you believe that old-ass Dr. Ledreau

got a second interview
for the head of OB?

Yeah, so?

So? That is unfair.

He is terrible.

He only congratulates
mothers when it's a boy.

Meanwhile, Dr. Lee
wasn't even considered,

and she's amazing.

Doesn't that make you mad?

Not really.

I mean, I'm hella used to it.

It's just one of those
annoying r*cist things

white people do.

Like assuming I voted for Obama.

I mean, I did, but it wasn't easy

given his support of
public sector intervention

in the energy market.

Just doesn't make any sense.

I know, it's like let the
invisible hand do its thing.

Uh...

Tamra, can I...
can I tell you something?

Come here.

What?

I am not a white dude.

I'm a woman of color

trapped inside the body
of a Caucasian male.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh, my goodness.

I have been waiting my whole life

for someone to confide
something like this to me.

The gender part.

The racial part is offensive,
and I cannot,

but I'm on board.

Thank you, Tamra.

But what I really want is for Dr. Lee

to get the job she deserves.

- Can you help me?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I don't even care
as long as I'm not the one

who has to learn a lesson.

Mindy's voice: Ugh,
this is worse than I thought.

both: Hi.

Oh, hey.

Are you here for sloppy joe day?

I got a second one to share
with my cats at home.

Irene, you deserve the head
of the department job

more than me or Jody or maybe anyone,

and we are gonna help you get it.

I don't know.

I mean, I got an interview.

I thought I did a good job.

I double-bagged
on undershirts for my sweating.

I think they just found someone better.

No, they don't know what they're doing.

The system is completely
rigged by those honkies.

Please.

I just don't want to be that pushy woman

who thinks she's so qualified.

Also, I'm treated well.

Look how they loaded my joe.

No extra charge.

You can't just sit back

and let them treat you
like you're invisible.

Where-where'd you go?

Sorry, I was bussing my table.

Well, if the system is so rigged,

what's the point of even trying?

Well...

As a white man,
I cannot say what I want to say

because I could get sued.

So, Tamra, will you please
explain the problem here?

Girl, you can't dress like a loser

and expect to make it in the patriarchy.

You don't see Michelle Obama
exercising with school kids

in a cat sweater and flip-flops.

It's like you're trying to look bad.

Let us help you.

Okay, I'll try.

Mindy's voice: Step one,
you have to look good

to be treated good.

White people can look like garbage

and still be treated well.

Look at Adam Sandler.

He wear swim trunks to the Oscars.

You have to work harder.

I don't really pay attention to fashion.

Really? I thought your outfit
came straight from Milan.

Actually, most of my clothes

are from the hospital's lost and found.

Oh, God, I give up.

I mean, I don't give up.

You're my altruistic mission.

But in the words of Jerry Maguire,

help me help you.

I love that movie!

Bonnie Hunt is my style icon.

I can tell from your reaction
that was a bad thing to say.

I really want this job.

Tell me what to wear. I'll do it.

Okay, now you're learning.

Mindy's voice:
Step two, take the "personal"

out of "personnel."

As a woman, the men interviewing you

are gonna get hung up
on your work/life balance.

Don't let them.

What if they ask me about my cats?

They do take up a lot of my time.

Especially Aragorn.

Don't talk about Aragorn.

Mindy's voice: Now for
steps three and four: T and A.

So you know a secret w*apon
us women can hold over men

is sex appeal.

Go like that.

My doctor told me I don't have that.

Oh, no, no, sexy isn't just about looks.

It's about confidence.

If you think you look good,
others will catch on.

I guess I could try to be confident.

Exactly, yes.

See now, as a guy, I have to
spend most of my energy

trying not to stare at your cleavage.

Voila.

I'm already off my game.

Hey, he's allowed in the women's room?

But when I go into the men's room,

everyone's like, "Beverly,
put your camera away."

I gotta deuce.

Mindy's voice: And now for step five.

Okay, it's time to play the
most important card in the deck.

What kind of deck?

- Uno?
- Magic: The Gathering?

Oh, don't push me, Dr. Lee.

The race card.

So you are gonna call the committee

and demand a second interview
and point out

that all the people that made
it to round two are white.

Really?

Will that work?

Oh, it'll work.

Because every white person's worst fear

is being called r*cist.

It's their equivalent of
experiencing actual racism.

Come on, Irene.

You deserve this more than
Dr. Ledreau, Jody, or even me.

[deep breath]

[suspenseful music]

[exhales]

Dr. L, you better stop pacing.

You get too much exercise as it is.

I know, I'm sorry. I'm just nervous.

Irene's been in with
the committee for so long.

I'm worried she's gonna tell
that really boring story

about the time she decided
not to go to the water park.

Oh, my God.

Well, how'd it go?

I did everything you said.

Awesome. That is great news.

But I didn't get the job.

- What?
- Like most of the interviews that I get,

it felt like a courtesy
to avoid a lawsuit.

I'm really sorry, Dr. Lee.

No, no, nuh-uh!

Ex-squeeze me?

Everyone one of you
needs to sit down right now.

Dr. Lee is by far the most qualified
person for this position.

And might I remind you

that many of our patients are not white,

and all of them are women.

Wow.

Your commitment to diversity
is really impressive,

which is exactly
what we need around here.

Congratulations, you got the job.

How dare you?

Stop trying to give this job
to a white man.

Dr. Lee deserves it.

Well, honestly, our last department head

was a black woman and a lesbian,

which I don't think
we get enough credit for,

and she was great.

She was fine.

But this time we just thought

we'd go in a different direction.

So you're telling me

that two women of color in a row

would be a little too much?

Even though the department heads
before that

were an endless parade
of middle-aged white men?

I mean, look at these pictures.

It's like the cast
of a Clint Eastwood movie.

Damn, dog, Jody was right.

His picture would look great up there.

Listen, Mike, you were our top choice,

but if you don't want the job

then we'll give it to Dr. Ledreau.

He actually had this job
back in the ' s.

Ledreau? But he's basically senile.

And everybody knows he k*lled Barbara.

Nobody jumps off a cruise ship
the first night.

Well, he was not convicted,

and off the record,
Barbara was a difficult woman.

- [sighs]
- She was.

Listen, Mike, thanks for coming in,

and thanks for starting
this lively discussion.

It's been a lot of fun.

Mindy's voice: Damn it,
the system's more

rigged than I thought.

There's a million great things about

being a white guy,
and that's just counting

the things you can do with your penis.

But the sad thing is having the
ability to help other people

and most of the time just not doing it.

It's just so easy not to.

Your life is so carefree,
you start wondering

why other people
just don't help themselves,

because you think life is just
as easy for everyone else.

Wow, I actually miss being
interesting and different.

[sighs] Wish I were
an Indian woman again.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[alarm beeping, stops]

[screaming]

Oh, my God. I'm me again. Thank God.

My boobs. Hey, why do they feel smaller?

Anyway, I'm so relieved.

I even forgot all
the sports trivia I learned,

thank God.

Remember, Mindy, sit down to pee.

♪ ♪

Hey, Irene. How's it going?

Pretty good,
but I'm getting pretty sweaty

from this Alfredo steam.

So you probably heard that Dr. Ledreau

got the department head position.

Another white man, go figure.

And, you know, there's a lot of evidence

that he k*lled his wife.

I'm listening to a podcast
about her disappearance.

I wanted to apologize to you

for what I said the other day,

about us being an Asian clique.

I was wrong.

And I wanted to know if you
would ever want to hang out.

I think we'd be good friends.

Yeah, that... that'd be nice.

You want some Alfredo?

I thought you would never ask.

- It smells delicious.
- Dig in.

- Is this from the cafeteria?
- Yeah.

You know what else is good there?

both: The chicken fingers.

- Yes!
- So good.

Go to bed.