05x14 - A Decent Proposal

[bunniefuu]

Previously, on "The Mindy Project"...

This year, I finally met the best guy.

He has a steady job, cool daughter,

and he says straight-up cute
stuff like...

I think I kinda love you.

The more I get to know you,
the more I love you.

The only place
I really wanna be is right here.

Things are going great with Ben.

You guys will probably get married.

I'm not getting married to Ben.

Besides, who says
I even need to get married?

You don't.

Honestly, you're too cool
to get married.

I guess I should talk to him about it.

Yeah.

Dad, that's it. That's the ring.

We'll take it.

- You don't wanna get married.
- I don't.

I love you and I don't want
things to change.

♪ ♪

Okay, everyone,
we've gotten some complaints

about our phone etiquette.

Now, I'm not naming any names,

but I would prefer it if from now on,

no one answered calls with,
"You have seconds. Wow me."

Well, it must be nice to have all day

to just chitchat on the phone.

- Okay...
- all: ♪ I wish I was ♪

♪ In a land of cotton ♪

♪ Old times they are not forgotten ♪

♪ Look away, look away,
look away Dixie Land ♪

[all humming]

- Oh, hey, Colette.
- Karen Jean Simmons,

in the five months
we've known each other,

I've grown to love you more than

Dominique Wilkins loves slam dunks.

This isn't happening.

I know this is sudden,

but it would seriously rule
if you would be my wife.

- Ohh!
- Yes! Yes!

- Two times, yes!
- [all exclaiming]

[cheers and applause]

Now, in Kimball-Kinney tradition,

I'm supposed to carry you away
on a horse,

but the horse got spooked
and ran into the Lincoln Tunnel.

Oh, well, that's okay, Colette.

You're the only ride I'll ever need.

Ohh.

- Giddy up, cowgirl!
- all: ♪ I wish I was in Dixie ♪

♪ Hooray, hooray ♪

♪ In Dixie Land I'll take my stand ♪

♪ To live and die in Dixie ♪

♪ Away, away, away down south in Dixie ♪

[hip-hop music]

They sounded like a chorus of gay angels

and then Colette, she picks her up
and carries her out on her back.

- Yeah.
- So romantic.

But then Colette's knee gave out

and she flattened Farzad's newsstand.

Yeah, that's... that's cool, man.

- I'm sorry, hey, hello.
- Huh? What?

I'm telling you this crazy story.

What's wrong, dude? Is it my cologne?

It... it's propane.

No, it's...

Can you keep a secret?

[inhales sharply]

I don't know, man. I'm like for .

I was about to propose to Mindy.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

- Bought a ring and everything.
- Ahh!

Princess cut blood diamond.

- Her favorite kind.
- That's what she wants.

But out of nowhere, she announces

that she doesn't ever wanna get married.

- Sh... she said that?
- Yeah.

When did she say that, exactly?

Was it, like, a long time ago?

Or was it, like, last Saturday
after she and I spoke?

Yeah, it was last Saturday, yeah.

That is... [exhales]

She said she doesn't want to
get married because I can't

give her anything
that she doesn't already have.

- Mm-mm, mm-mm. Mm.
- I know.

She's clearly going crazy
and she has some kind of

brain parasite, 'cause she's always

eating that expired peanut butter.

I gotta go to her house and get
rid of that peanut butter.

Otherwise, s-she's gonna die.

All right. Watch...

- You all right?
- Yep.

- [crashing]
- I got it.

♪ ♪

The Squares Exhibit
at the Museum of Geometry.

It's only the greatest
collection of square art

ever assembled
in the Northern Hemisphere.

And I've got two tickets
to the opening night.

Oh, thank you.

This is very thoughtful.

Of course. Obviously,
we'll be going as... as friends.

I wanna be square with you.

Oh. [laughs] The Square Exhibit.

- [knocking]
- Knock, knock.

Just wanted to invite you all
to a little engagement party

I'm throwing tomorrow
in honor of the future

Mrs. and Mrs. Kimball-Kinney.

The theme is "Fried Green Tomatoes."

Oh, how wonderful.

You know, I have a broach with
Jessica Tandy's profile on it.

Wonderful. : p. m. sharp.

No gifts under $ .
They'll just be thrown out.

Right.

- I'm so happy for Colette.
- [cell phone vibrates]

You know, I was her first kiss.

She said, "Well, that settles that."

Hm? Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

It's Tim. He won't sign
the divorce papers,

and he keeps texting
for a second chance.

Well, as your friend,
my advice would be:

go with your gut.

It's usually right. Except for that year

I thought I could pull off
one dangly earring.

Well, yes, of course. You're right.

I moved out for a reason and not
just because my maid hates me.

I'm not going to text him back.

Well done.

Hey, what's going on in here?

I'm eating my lunch.
Are those bridal magazines?

I thought maybe we could chill
and plan your future wedding.

I already planned mine.
It's BYOB, BYO food,

BYO silverware, BYO chair.

Plan my wedding?

You're the one that convinced me

that I don't need to get married.

And honestly, it's been so freeing.

I have so much extra brain space.

I can finally understand my TV shows.

Transparent's a guy!

But what about Ben?

Do you not want to get married
because you're afraid

you're not gonna bond
with his Jewish relatives?

Just don't tell them
your theories on Israel.

I don't know what it is.

Is it a place? Is it an idea?

I-I would just leave
the whole area alone.

Please, please. I talked to Ben.

He doesn't want to get married either.

It's good to keep talking about this

because things change
and evolve and stuff.

So maybe you should talk to him again.

I'm enjoying my lunch.
I think you should go.

Hey!

What's up, you guys?

Colette, you are absolutely glowing.

You must really love this woman.

I think it's so romantic
that you're just

letting someone come into your
life and change it forever.

When you stay single long enough,

marriage starts to become
less like a bond

and looks more like one of those
little plastic cubes

where they imprison super heroes
to deprive them

of their super powers.

Oh, yeah? Huh.

My life is so fulfilling by myself

that the idea of having to share it

with someone / forever...

I mean, can you imagine? Barf.

- I would k*ll myself.
- Yeah.

But Colette, you are young.

And it warms my heart to see you

completely lose yourself
in another person.

Cool.

[phone chiming] _

_

_

Hi, your estranged husband
is standing right behind me.

Tim. Why are you here? Oh, no.

Are you cheating on me
with someone who works here?

It ain't cheating if you're broken up.

Hi, I'm Beverly.

No. Stop.

Anna, I'm here because I think
it's time for you to come home.

I mean, your Japanese toilet misses you,

your panic room misses you

and I miss you.

You cheated on me
with my own closet organizer.

[whispers]
She knows me better than anyone.

And I'm sorry.
I know what I did was wrong

but I also know that you don't
sleep well when you're not home.

And you're a mess without
your solid three hours a night.

It's true.

I haven't been sleeping well
in my Airbnb.

It has a poorly ex*cuted nautical theme.

I'm so sorry.

Listen, just come over for a drink.

We'll see how it feels.

What do you say?

- I'll think about it.
- I'll show you out.

- Okay. Ow.
- Right this way.

You're hurting my arm.

♪ ♪

Thanks for inviting me over
for a girls' night, Mindy.

Leo and I love spending time with you.

And he doesn't like anybody.

Seriously, he bit a mall Santa.

The Santa swore, he got fired.

Leo's the best.

I always wanted a younger brother.

We could go to the park, read together.

Oh, hey, do you wanna make
a little extra money?

I need a babysitter tomorrow night.

Leo's old babysitter quit.

He was getting handsy with her.

I guess he takes after his mom.

That sounds great. Where are you going?

I am going to an engagement party.

And actually, there'll be an open bar

so it would be great
if you could just lay out

some, like, trash bags around the bed.

Wait, my dad proposed to you
without telling me?

I helped him pick the ring.

Your dad bought a ring
and was gonna propose to me?

Uh... [laughs]

No?

Oh, my God.

Your dad bought me a ring?

Did he get it from
a Jewish man in the city

- or a Latino man in the mall?
- I don't know.

Maybe he didn't buy you a ring.

My memory's bad...

because I just started doing dr*gs.

Please. You're too good
of a kid for all that.

You tattled on me when you
caught me sniffing your markers.

Fine, yes. My dad did buy you
an engagement ring.

Really nice one.

He sold his "All-American Comics" # .

- It's the first appearance of...
- Golden Age Green Lantern.

Oh, my God!

I know that because he yelled at me

when I was reading that comic
with chocolaty fingers.

Well, what is he waiting for?

- Why hasn't he proposed?
- I don't know.

Oh, wait. Maybe it's because I told him

that I never want to get married.

And I don't. I don't think.

I don't know. Ugh.

Lindsay, why is he listening to me now?

I mean, I don't even listen to
half the crap I say.

Just don't tell Dad I told you, okay?

He might get mad.

Lindsay, I have to talk to
your father about this, okay?

If it helps, I could tell him
I heard it from a transient.

♪ ♪

Morgan, Karen and I wanted to
talk to you about...

Ah, you want me to plan
your bachelorette party for you.

Too late! Already did it.

It's at the Ukrainian Community Center.

There has to be an orthodox
priest present,

but you can smoke inside.

No, uh, we want you
to move out of the apartment.

We're getting a new place together?

I promise, I will not stink this one up.

- I will wash...
- It's just that

Karen thinks it would be weird

if we still live together
after we wife each other.

[clears throat]

- Oh, and I agree.
- Mm-hmm.

- Sorry.
- You know I can't

go back to my grandmother.

She put a Roma curse on me
last time I left.

This is what happens
when people get married.

They stop spending so much time
with their friends.

Really? I like my friends.

Not as much as you're gonna
like sitting in our apartment,

talking about our relationship.

Oh, God. You know what?

No offense. Screw you both. Okay?

- Morgan.
- I've never been so betrayed.

Oh, hey, Ben.

Hey, a transient told me
you bought an engagement ring.

Damn it, Lindsay. She told you?

[sighs] Yes. But it's not
Lindsay's fault.

It's your fault, for teaching
her the importance of honesty.

Okay, fine, yes.

I was going to propose.

Until you told me, in very clear terms,

that you had no interest in marrying me.

How does someone who's wanted
to get married her whole life

tell her boyfriend
she doesn't want to marry him?

This is is one of those cases

where you have to tell
a little white lie.

Like when I tell my brother
Rishi he has potential.

Hey, it's not you. Okay?

I don't believe in marriage.
I never have.

It's just one of those institutions

that I don't support,
like the FDA or libraries.

It doesn't mean that I love you any less

or don't want to be with you.

Yeah.

Okay, I guess that makes me
feel a little better.

You could have told me a little earlier.

Might not have let Kevin Smith
lowball me on my

super-rare "Green Lantern."

But, hey, I'm glad I know.

Yes! He bought it.

People come down hard on lying,

but man, does it get the job done.

♪ ♪

[chuckles] Ah, here come
the blushing brides.

If we weren't related
and you two were into guys,

I don't know if I could control myself.

- [both laughing]
- Aw, thanks, Bro.

- You are so sweet.
- Karen, you're gonna

like being a Kimball-Kinney.

With this whole spooky,
ethereal vibe you got going on,

you'll fit right in
with the New Orleans vampire

- side of the family.
- I'm so excited.

We're gonna spend the rest of
our lives together,

future brother!

- Oh!
- Oh, get over here.

I'm gonna grab us some drinks.

- Okay.
- Right over there. Right there.

Oh, Colette, you must be so happy.

Knowing who you're gonna be
lying next to for eternity?

Your bodies entombed together
in the Kimball mausoleum.

Your skulls entombed in the
Kinney mausoleum,

as per the treaty of .

Yeah, ha!

I am super excited.

But what if the family disapproves?

I wouldn't worry about that.

I've already spoken to them.

In fact, your cousin came up
from Georgia

with a bushel of wedding peaches.

So everyone's on board?

Even you.

'Cause it's cool if you're not.

I can just stay
a wild and free poon magnet

for the rest of my life.

On the contrary, I am thrilled.

In fact, I've already bought the tent

on your registry
at d*ck's Sporting Goods.

- Mm, okay. Whoo! Yes.
- Here we go. Ding!

- Eternity! [laughs]
- Yeah! Ohh! [laughs]

So, Ben, any chance of us attending

another engagement party anytime soon?

Uh, no. Not at the moment.

'Cause I wouldn't be upset
if I had to paint

- another Japanese engagement fan.
- Oh.

Or you could propose at this party.

That'd create a commotion
and I could grab

- a couple of things.
- Well, if it were up to me,

we'd be engaged already. but, uh...

She thinks your kids will look weird?

No, actually, I think
our kids would look pretty cute.

- Oh, definitely, sure.
- Mm, maybe to some people.

- Ehh.
- The truth is,

Mindy's just not
the marriage type, you know?

- Huh?
- Why are you guys

looking at each other like that?

Because we think you're nuts.

Ben, Mindy's obsessed with marriage.

She's thanked in the credits
to " Dresses."

He wedding Pinterest shut down
an entire server farm.

Vera Wang has a restraining
order out on her.

- Do I need to continue?
- No, no, I think I get it.

But why would she say
she doesn't care about weddings?

Because she lies like a kid
raised in foster care.

And she hoards food like one too.

Did you not know this?

About the food, yes.

But the... this, no.

[clears throat] Excuse me.

My, my. There's some
juicy gossip afoot, my hens.

- Cluck, cluck.
- Eww.

- No? Okay.
- Ooh, now that's some gossip.

Dr. Z just walked in with Mr. Z.

Looks like she's changing her tune from

"To the left, to the left"

to "To the right, to the right."

Yeah, wow. Just keep looking over there,

to the left, to the left.

To the right, to the right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen,

if I could have your attention, please.

My future sister-in-law has
a few words she'd like to say.

- Thank you.
- Take it away.

Little did I know,
growing up, one of seven girls

in a two-room cabin in No Name, Alaska,

where it's daytime
once a year and alcohol

is the only cure for insanity,

that I would find my love
in the big city.

When I saw that corn-silk goddess,

waving like mad at me
from across the lacrosse pitch.

And then she yelled...
well, Colette tells it better.

No, I... I don't. I don't remember.

She yelled, "Get off the dang field.

You can't do your Hula-Hooping here."

[laughter, awwing]

And while words can't express
how I feel,

maybe music can.

Oh, oh, no, no, no.

I'm good. You don't need to...

♪ Little did I know,
growing up, one of seven girls ♪

♪ In a two-room cabin
in No Name, Alaska ♪

♪ Where it's daytime once a year ♪

♪ And alcohol's the only cure
for insanity ♪

♪ That I would find my love
in the big city ♪

♪ That corn-silk goddess,
well, she was ♪

♪ Waving like mad at me ♪

♪ Across the lacrosse pitch,
she yelled ♪

♪ Well, Colette tells it better, whoa ♪

♪ Do you remember what she said? ♪

♪ She yelled,
do your Hula-Hooping here ♪

♪ Do your Hula-Hooping here ♪

♪ Get off the dang field ♪

♪ You can't do your Hula-Hooping here ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Oh, whoa ♪

- [cheers and applause]
- Yes!

[thud]

Ohh!

Ow! Ow!

What's up?

Has anyone seen Colette?

She's not answering her walkie-talkie.

- I haven't seen her.
- No.

Popeye, this is Olive Oyl. Over and out.

- Not good.
- Um, you know what?

I'm sorry. I see someone I fired once.

I'm gonna go make them uncomfortable.

Okay.

No, Jeremy, I don't want to
join your book club.

Miss Marple mysteries are too easy.

Okay, very good. How could you
bring Tim to this party

after everything he's put you through?

I didn't plan on it.

I only went over there
to get my food dehydrator,

and then we stumbled into
a classic Tim-Anna fun day.

He screamed on a conference call

and I checked our tap water's PH.

- Felt so nice.
- He cheated on you.

I know. But he promises he's changed.

Oh.

He just listed the sex apartment

he shared with Eliot Spitzer.

Listen to yourself.

I don't know how to be alone.

Without my regular routine,
I'm going a little bit crazy.

I'm beginning to worry
I might not turn back

during one of my ocean swims.

Anna, calm down. Take a deep breath.

Okay, but I can hold my breath
for seven minutes.

See? This is my point.

You are remarkable in every way.

And you shouldn't be with somebody

who doesn't appreciate that.

And by the way, you're not alone, okay?

You've got me as a friend.

And in future, if I don't
see you in the morning,

I'll know to call the Coast Guard.

Thank you, Jeremy.

- Wow.
- Hey, there you are.

Hey, you have to check out
Jody's hunting trophies.

There's a deer, a lion.
Golden Retriever, ehh.

- Yeah, he loves his taxidermy.
- Yeah.

So you don't care about weddings, huh?

Yep. That's me.

Yeah, that's interesting because I found

this blog that you kept,
called "Bridal Wave."

Oh, and this wedding cake review
podcast, "Oh No You Fondant!"

I gained ten pounds after two episodes

- and my doctor made me stop.
- So I guess you don't have

a problem with getting married,
you just have a problem

- with getting married to me.
- No, Ben, look.

I have an explanation.

I don't need you to explain, Mindy.

I just need you to be honest with me.

I don't want to fight.
I'm gonna go, though.

Anybody seen Colette?

Colette!

Are you kidding me?

Hey, man. What gives?

Anna just said that
she doesn't wanna reconcile.

Did she? Gosh, I'm so sorry.
That's awful.

She was all cool until
she started talking to you.

I don't know what you said,
but do you even have

the Bro Code in England?

Yeah, we have the original Bro Code.

The Magna Carta.

And also, all I told her

was that she's strong enough
to be alone.

Well, are you strong enough

not to have your ass handed to you?

[scoffs] I think Joseph
Pilates would agree that I was.

[grunts] Ahh!

[door opening]

Hey, you're back early.

How was the party?

Did you and Jeremy wear
the same outfit again?

No. Thank God.

Hey, can I ask you a serious question?

Sure, but if it gets too awkward,

I'll have to look at my phone.

Absolutely, I completely understand.

Would it be a big difference for you

if I was your step-mom, versus
just your dad's girlfriend?

Are you kidding? Of course it would.

But why? It wouldn't make us

care about each other any more.

And if anything, if I was your step-mom,

I'd be way more inclined
to do, like, I don't know,

make you do chores while Leo
attends the Prince's Ball.

But Leo would be my step-brother

and we could talk about
how crazy our parents are.

Um, I...

and more than anything,
if you were my step-mom,

it would be proof that
you weren't going anywhere.

Okay. Come here.

Also, it's so weird
that you're a girlfriend

- when you're so old.
- Okay.

No tip, now. I'm extremely young.

- Go make us ice cream sundaes.
- I'm on it.

♪ ♪

Morgan, thank God. There you are.

- The first place I looked.
- What's up, Colette?

You gonna kick me out of here too?

Yeah, but just because you
can't sleep in phlebotomy.

It's full of blood,
urine and a skeleton.

So what? So am I.

That's a good point.

I really missed you at that party.

No one wanted to have
a shrimp eating contest with me,

so I had to compete against
my personal best.

Did you bring me home the tails?

I'm sorry, I just...

I got cold feet and snuck out.

I love Karen, but I'm not
ready to get married.

Oh, my God.

It's real easy for me to hook up,

but hard for me to establish
a real emotional connection.

I know, I sleep above you.

But then I had one with Karen,

and I was like, man,
I need to lock her down.

Spring was in the air,

the Gay Men's Chorus owed me a favor,

but then that wore off, and I was like,

is this the last woman

I will ever camp with?

I'm sorry, but if you're not
gonna get married,

can I please move back in?

Okay, I can't go back
to the hostel in Times Square.

These Dutch girls,
they're so mean to me.

You can move back in on one condition.

I will never again warm my
underpants in the microwave.

- Ever.
- No, no, no.

No, I need you to
break up with Karen for me.

Oh, no, no, no.
I'm terrible at giving bad news.

[sighs] If you wanna move back home,

you gotta help me out here.

All right, fine, I'll do it.

Oh, you're the best! Ahh!

- I love you.
- I love you!

- I love you.
- Ohh.

Oh, I gotta get out of here.

announcer: This train
is being held in the station

for connection with a downtown express.

Please be patient, ladies and gentlemen.

Excuse me, sir.
Have you heard the good news?

I'm sorry, I'm Jewish, I...

Hey. What are you doing here?

Okay, look, Ben.

Yes, my whole life, I have been
obsessed with marriage.

And it kept not happening so I thought,

wait, is something wrong with me?

And then through work
and having Leo and meeting you,

I realized no,
there's nothing wrong with me.

I'm the most perfect person
in the whole world.

Yeah, that seems like
a really unhealthy way

- to think about yourself.
- And then, recently,

I met someone who reminded me

that marriage isn't just about
making a couple.

It's about making a family.

Hi, Dad.

Hey. What...

Leo, you're dressed up.

Wow.

I don't need to get married anymore.

I want to get married.

To you.

And I know this is really crazy
and impulsive,

but hey dude, that's kinda
what you signed up for.

So...

Ben, with this super-rare,

unbelievably expensive
comic book, I wanted to know,

will you marry me?

Come.

- Mm. [laughs]
- Ahh. [laughs]

♪ ♪

Oh, I love you.

- Aw, I love you guys.
- I love you guys too.

♪ Found the truth beneath your lies ♪

♪ ♪

♪ And true love never has to hide ♪

all: ♪ True love never has to hide ♪

♪ I'll trade
your broken wings for mine ♪

all: ♪ Trade your broken wings
for mine ♪

♪ I've seen your scars
and kissed your crime ♪

all: ♪ Seen your scars
and kissed your crime ♪

♪ So many people that I know,
they're just tryna touch ya ♪

♪ Kiss up and rub up and feel up ♪

♪ Kiss up and rub up
and feel up on you ♪

♪ Give you some time to prove
that I can trust you again ♪

♪ I'm gonna kiss up
and rub up and feel up ♪

♪ Kiss up and rub up
and feel up on you ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ Love ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ Sweet love, all night long ♪

♪ Sweet love ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ All I wanna, ain't no other ♪

♪ We together, I remember ♪

♪ Sweet love ♪

♪ All night long ♪

♪ Our love was stronger
than your pride ♪