06x02 - A Romantical Decouplement

[bunniefuu]

Mindy, Ben, as your couples' therapist,

I remind you that an open
dialogue is very important.

And very expensive. $ an hour.

[chuckles] This sofa's not even
that comfortable.

I don't know where the money's going.

I have a very nice house upstate.

Ben. What's on your mind today?

Well, my issue is that I still
never see her.

Last night, I cooked her favorite meal,

chicken pot pie a la mode,

but she never came home
so I just threw it in the trash.

I still ate it!

And, like, two pages of newspaper

that it was resting on.

Mindy, coming home
to a home-cooked meal by Ben

would be most women's dream come true.

You're right; I should have
told a screaming woman in labor

that I had to rush home
for a home-cooked meal.

All right, I see we're going
nowhere with this.

Why don't we take a look
at this week's homework.

Right. Yes, okay.

[playful music]

"Mindy, what I appreciate about you

is your work ethic
and you're a good mother."

Oh, that was beautiful.

Mindy.

"Ben, what I appreciate about you

is your work ethic and that
you're a good father."

"Mindy, what I'm frustrated about is,

"when I feel like our
relationship is an afterthought

to your day."

"Ben, what I'm frustrated about is,

nothing."

Perfect wife, no complaints,

three-pointer, swish-swish, bish.

Mindy, you're just looking
at your pedometer.

It says you've only taken
eight steps today.

How is that even possible?

Listen, we've been coming here for weeks

and we have yet to get a diagnosis.

My diagnoses take, like,
five seconds, okay?

Patients in; small talk; stirrups;

"You have a UTI"; lollipop;

"No, we don't take Obamacare." Done!

You are married to
an incredibly intelligent,

genuine man with...

soulful eyes.

And yet you've made
no significant changes

to your lifestyle to
accommodate your marriage.

That's not true; I shave
my legs, like, once a month.

I mean, at least, one of them.

Mindy, here, the point is,

how is this relationship gonna last

when you face a real challenge?

MINDY: Uh, when we face
a real challenge,

we'll conquer it with our love.

Why are you being so quiet right now?

I don't think he's being quiet.

He's speaking paragraphs
with those eyes.

♪ ♪

MINDY: Guys, stop everything.

Do you guys think I'm a bad wife?

[scoffs] I would k*ll
to be married to you.

You got all these nooks and crannies
that can keep me warm.

Ben is so lucky; you pay for everything.

It's like he's Melania,
and you're the American taxpayer.

- Oh, Jody!
- Yep.

Do you think that I'm a bad wife?

Oh, yeah, you're definitely a bad wife.

But like Michael Jackson "Bad."

♪ Sha-mon, hee-hee ♪

'Cause I'm definitely that.

No, not Michael Jackson bad.
Just regular bad.

You know how I hate to be un-PC.

No, you don't; you won that
category in speech team.

You're right. Yes, I did.

For my original oratory entitled,

"Why do they get to say it?"

But as I was saying,
I think women these days

have forgotten the importance
of femininity in relationships.

MORGAN: I'm sorry, you don't
think Dr. L is feminine?

She gets her period every other day.

Yeah, and she's always
ordering bras to the office

from that company
Little Miss Asymmetrical.

Yeah, Jody. Take that.

You asked my opinion, and I gave it.

But sure, don't trust me;

trust these three geniuses.

COLETTE: What do you got?
What do you got?

I'm gonna pull it right out.

Oh, yeah, it's a big one.

BOTH: Oh!

- Get a pic.
- Hold on. One, two, three.

- Ew, what?
- TAMRA: Got it.

MORGAN: Post that on social media.

Everyone, we have an announcement.

After ten months of successful dating,

Anna and I have decided it would be best

if we romantically decoupled.

- [gasps]
- Romantically decoupled?

What is that?

It's Hollywood speak for breaking up.

Like how being dehydrated
means you're on dr*gs.

No! How is this possible?

You two made me believe in love again.

It's the worst day of my life.

What about when you broke your neck?

Oh, not even close!

That was vacation compared to this.

- Okay.
- ANNA: Yes, it is unfortunate,

but we both agree it is for the best.

Chaps, we really appreciate
your support,

but Anna and I will continue to
be good friends.

Back to work, everybody.

This is so sad.

I'm gonna have to get real
dehydrated tonight.

- [knock on door]
- MINDY: Come in.

- Hey.
- Hey, Ben.

What are you doing here?

Oh, no. Did you find out

that I was using your toothbrush?

I've only been using it on my eyebrows.

No. I wanted to talk to you

about a really exciting
job opportunity I got today.

Oh, is it to be...

Not to be a nude nurse for elderly men.

Mindy, I already told you,

I do not feel comfortable doing that.

I know, but we are living in
a gig economy, Ben,

and I think you would make
a lot in tips.

Okay, well, thank you, but...

No.

It's actually to be the head nurse

in the Penn Memorial Emergency Room.

In Philadelphia?
That's almost in another state.

It is definitely in another state.

Pennsylvania.

Oh, right, where Dracula lives.

- Okay, go on.
- Anyway,

the interview's tomorrow.

Obviously the distance

is a real issue,

so maybe I shouldn't go?

No, no, no. I mean, it sounds like

an incredible opportunity.

I think you should interview
and we'll see what happens.

- Okay.
- I ordered a -inch sub

for lunch. So you want to stay?

I could spare an inch or two.

Actually I gotta work on my application,

get my interviews khakis ready,

get those pleats poppin'.

- Oh, my God.
- Oh! Morgan.

Don't sneak up on me like that.

Yeah.

Lab results.

So what's going on with you, man?

What's up? What's the goss?

What's the scuttlebutt?

Ben turned me down for lunch,

which is weird, because he's
never done that before, and...

Okay, yeah, no, that's boring.

I mean, like, gossip about,

I don't know, like, nursing
employment opportunities.

Have you heard any gossip in that area?

What? No.

Morgan, I am too hungry for
gossip right now.

Okay, can you please pick up my sandwich

- from the service elevator?
- Got it.

They said it was too big
for the regular elevator.

Oh, you got the Clogger. Nice.

MINDY: Yeah.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

Oh. Hello.

I... I didn't mean to interrupt.

But, Jeremy, I found the Limoges box

that we both fell in love with
while antiquing upstate,

and I thought we should have
joint custody.

No, you keep it.

Your jewelry needs organizing
more than mine.

While we're at it, would you
like back the bust

of Queen Victoria that you
gave me for my birthday?

No, that's okay.

I know you like to
rub her wattle for good luck.

- Ah.
- Sorry to bother.

Well, I must say, you handled that well.

- I am proud of you.
- It is but a brave front.

At home I cried so hard that my
Alexa called a su1c1de hotline.

Don't be a fool, Jeremy;

women are simple insane creatures.

They'll assume anyone you date next

has to be prettier than Anna.

You just leveled up, son.

Leveled up, have I? Really?

Huh, I'm a level two now, I suppose.

Sure. Aim high.

Hey, Morgan,
what do you think of the name

Dominique for a baby?

This site says it's a good name

if you want your child to become
a top-level gymnast

or...

oh, a French sex offender. Never mind.

Hey, did you hear about
this cool nursing job

at Penn Memorial?

They called Ben Miller

for an interview, and no one called me.

Why do you care about a job
in Philadelphia?

Why Ben? I mean...

What does he have that I don't?

No prison record. A working neck...

I don't mean to list things.

Look, look, people think
I have no ambition

just because I have dogs
and I share a bunk bed

with my lesbian roommate,

but I got big dreams.

I'm interviewing for that job.

And guess what.

I'm gonna get it.

Hey.

I need to talk to you.

What did you mean earlier

when you said that I was a bad wife?

Well, let's do a little
thought experiment.

- Shall we?
- Yeah.

JODY: Please.

Let's say Ben wants to have
Mexican food for dinner.

You want to have Japanese.
What do you do?

Well, we probably both had
really hard days,

so why don't we eat dinner on our own

and then meet up later at home
to watch " Day Fiancé."

Is that a television show
you both enjoy?

- No. Just me.
- All right.

Let's try another one.

Ben's mother is coming to visit
for two weeks.

He wants her to stay in your apartment.

- What do you say?
- Oh, this one's easy.

We put her up at the Hyatt,
we see her a couple times,

take her to "Lion King,"
then bye, Carol.

Am I winning? What did I win?

You've won nothing.

You've answered these questions
very badly.

Oh. I get it, Jody.

I'm a bad wife, because I'm not
some meek Southern

- cake-baking curtsy machine.
- JODY: No.

No. No, Mindy. All I'm saying is that

in each instance, you prioritize

your own comfort and independence

over your relationship.

Oh, my God. Jody, I think you're right.

Maybe I have been a little selfish.

That's the best quiz I've taken

since "Which Hogwarts House Are You In?"

- JODY: Thank you.
- I was a Dursley.

Thanks.

I wish I could have dinner with you,

but that night I've got a date
to Cirque du Soleil's

new show "Perversia."

How about next week?
I'm dying to cook you my bisque.

I'm booked solid.

My organizer is practically bursting.

Someone's bounced back pretty quickly

from his breakup.

You know that I'm his ex, right?

No, I didn't. If I'd known,

I would have never said that.

I hate drama.

So if they start dating,
will you go insane?

Hey, Dr. L, what do you think
of the name Gabrielle?

Ooh, Tamra, I really like it.

Yeah, I knew it was lame.
Delete, delete, delete.

- Okay.
- Hello, women colleagues.

Tomorrow night I would like to
invite the female coworkers

of our practice to join me
for alcohol drinking

and camaraderie in a bar.

- You mean a girls' night?
- Mm-hmm.

But that's, like, for fun
groups of best friends.

Like, a slut, a prude, a boss,

and a mom who just needed a break.

Hey, I'm, like, three of those things.

Whatever. I'm paying.

- I'm in.
- I'm in too.

My old ball and chain's in Philadelphia

on a job interview.

Oh, my God.

We all know about
the amazing job in Philly

and now everybody want to move to Philly

'cause it's so b*mb.

Fine. I'll come to your girls' night.

Maybe I'll even wear a bra.

[jazzy music]

♪ ♪

WOMAN: Thank you for calling
Penn Memorial Hospital.

Your call is very important to us.

But so are a lot other things.

Your estimated wait time is...

two...

days.

Days? What?

Customer service.

[sighs]

[hip-hop music]

MAN: ♪ Motown Philly back again ♪

♪ Doing a little East Coast swing ♪

♪ Boys II Men going off ♪

♪ Not too hard, not too soft ♪

[clears throat]
My name is Morgan Tookers,

and I am here to interview
for the job opportunity.

No interview necessary.
Mop's in the corner.

Poop's in the hallway.

Poop? No. I'm sorry.

I'm not a janitor.

Look at this suit.

Why are you here? We are very busy.

There was an Eagles game tonight.

We've had g*nsh*t wounds,
and the Eagles won.

- Uh-uh.
- That's great.

'Cause this is exactly the kind
of high stakes urban environment

in which I will thrive.

In fact, I'm telling you right now,

you're not gonna find someone
more qualified

to be the head nurse at this ER.

What? That's my job,
and I ain't leaving.

My... my friend Ben said he was
applying for this job.

Well, I don't know anything about that.

Sounds like your friend is full of crap,

just like our hallway.

Do you want the janitor's job or not?

Yes, I want the janitor's job, okay?

You seem amazing, and
Philadelphia is super exotic.

- Why would Ben lie to Dr. Lahiri?
- Honey, I don't know

your friends.
I'm gonna need you to leave.

Well, I'm gonna get
to the bottom of this.

Please keep that
for your records, please.

- Okay. Mm-hmm.
- Took me four hours.

Leo, I knew it's a little hard
for you to answer,

because I am your mommy,

but how do I look?

- Skinny, Mommy.
- Thank you.

And for giving me your totally
honest opinion,

you may have a graham cr*cker.

[phone buzzing]

Ben?

Hey. How'd the interview go?

Did you arch your back
like I showed you?

I don't think that works
as well for guys.

Look, I've been thinking about it,

and if you really want that job,

I totally support you.

You can live in Philadelphia,

we can take turns visiting each other.

I actually get hotter the further away

I get from New York City.

And you'd be okay with that arrangement?

I would be more than okay.

Good to know.
I'll see you when I get home.

Oh, I'm going out with
the girls tonight after work,

so I will see you after.

When I get home, I'm gonna be so drunk

my Boston accent will probably come out.

It'll be wicked hot. Go Sox!

LEO: Mommy, you're so pretty.

[upbeat music]

[hip-hop music]

TAMRA: Anna, your dating history
is whack.

I can't believe you've only
been with three guys.

I have three dates lined up tonight

in case this gets too boring.

I've k*lled more people
than you've dated.

So you have lined up any dates at all?

I was messaging with a guy online

who I had lot in common with,

but he turned out to just be
a sentient computer.

Yeah, that lines up.

But when I finally do date a human man,

won't it be weird in the office
for Jeremy?

No! Tamra and I have both

broken up with guys at work,
and it is fine.

Don't forget about me and Dr. Shulman.

Anyway, she and Morgan are
really close right now.

We're not that close.

I mean, sure, we have lunch
together every day

and I talk to him before
I do something big,

but outside of work, we only
hang out, like,

four, five times a week.

Hey, sister, Denial ain't just
a member of One Direction.

MAN: Excuse me, ladies.

That gentlemen over there just
sent these your way.

MINDY: Oh, he fine.

MAN: Oh, actually, stop.

These are all for her.

The gentleman didn't know
what you liked,

so he sent you over a whole assortment.

And it's up to you if you want
to share with your...

I want to say bus driver friends?

- Oh.
- Okay.

Oh, my God, Anna. You hit pay dirt.

That guy is hot,
and he's definitely rich

because he could afford to send
over four drinks.

Um, next steps.

Call him over. Okay, I'll do it.

- Hey, blondie.
- [sighs]

So even though I have my
grandfather's trust fund,

I feel lucky not to have to touch it

because of the money I got from
winning "The Amazing Race"

with my gay brother.

Oh, my God, I remember that season.

He came out to you on the show.

It was the most surprising hot
air balloon ride of my life.

Anna, you two have so much in common.

Financially, racially.

You don't see a lot of adult blond men.

- They tend to darken.
- Mm.

I don't know much about reality TV.

I prefer live theater.

My ex, Jeremy, actually has
written several one-man shows...

Ow!

I love the theater too.

Maybe I could take you sometime.

There's a new jukebox musical coming out

based on the songs of Slipknot.

It's called "Barf Machine."

Devin, thank you so much for the drink.

It was as intoxicating as
the conversation.

Mildly. But I just got out of

a relationship, so I'm not really ready.

I understand.

But if you change your mind,
here's my card.

I'd like to get to know you.

- Oh!
- [gagging]

Oh, my God!

[gagging]

I apologize. I... okay.

- Wow!
- Anna.

I have never in my life been
banned from a bar

because of someone else's bad behavior.

What the hell, Anna?

I'm sorry. I told you I was
awkward with men.

Awkward would be Zooey Deschanel

playing a jazz standard on the ukulele.

You crushed a man's windpipe.

I'm sorry. I just...

miss Jeremy,

and whenever anybody else touches me,

I have a bit of a violent reaction.

It was a little dramatic.

- Boop.
- Oh!

- Oh, my God.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Okay. She's not being dramatic.

- It's real.
- Sorry.

That's the tenth time
you've brought up Jeremy.

Whoever he is, you must really love him.

Oh, God. Maybe I do love him.

Maybe I don't need to date other people.

I just want Jeremy.

He was the one.

He was in front of me the whole time.

And I just took him for granted.

Okay, okay, you've been single
for, like, two days.

Why don't you wait a little longer?

The NYU freshmen show up next week.

- Aren't you married?
- Yeah, but that's not like fun.

That's not like hanging out with
girlfriends and going to bars.

That's very disturbing,

and you should examine
your relationship.

Mm-hmm.

Excuse me. I have to leave.

Oh, man. Anna's hotness

was gonna get us into the club.

Well, at least we have you, Tamra.

You know what, I should
actually head home too.

I got to get up really early tomorrow.

I'm, uh, I'm cohosting "The Today Show,"

so I got to go over my questions
for Rex Tillerson.

Wait, Tam! No.

All right, Bev. It's just you and me.

Want to use your senior discount
at the diner?

Sure don't. Bye!

♪ ♪

MINDY: Hey, Graciela, my favorite nanny.

Quick Spanish question:

the other day Leo called me "estupido."

What does that mean anyway?

Does it mean, like, fashionable?

- MORGAN: Hello.
- God.

Leo's asleep. I sent Graciela home.

And I broke your toilet.

Morgan. What are you doing here?

I have to tell you something.

I went to Philadelphia to try to
steal the nurse's job from Ben.

- But I didn't get it.
- Yeah, of course not,

because Ben locked that down.

Did you see how much gel he had
in his hair?

He looked like a Russian hitman.

I didn't get it

and neither did Ben.

'Cause there was no job.

Ben lied to you.

If you makes you feel better,

I did not lie to you
about breaking your toilet.

There was no toilet paper
so I used a wash cloth.

But if there's no job,
why did he go to Philadelphia?

Oh, no. Do you think he has
another wife there?

I hate to say it, but yeah, I do.

- [door unlocks]
- Oh, my God.

Morgan, go. Hide, hide.

[dramatic music]

[clears throat]

Oh, hello, Ben.

How was Philadelphia?

I would ask if you had a chance
to run up the Rambo stairs,

but I'm sure you were too busy
interviewing

for your cool new job.

Mindy, I didn't go to Philadelphia.

There was no nursing job.

I lied.

[Morgan imitates buzzer]

Morgan.

Game over, dude. You're done.

You didn't go to Philadelphia.

There was no nurse's job.

You lied.

Morgan, Ben just confessed.

- MORGAN: Just now?
- MINDY: Yeah.

I couldn't hear in the curtain.

Okay, well, you know what, Morgan,

I think you should go.

Ben and I need to talk in private.

All right. I'll be in your bedroom.

Or maybe you could just go to
your own home.

I'll be in your bed.

MAN: Coming!

Oof.

Anna. Uh...

What are you doing here? Are you okay?

I'm not okay,

and not because a Postmate ran
over me with his bicycle.

Jeremy, I think I might have
made a horrible mistake.

Jeremy? Is our dinner here?

Because we burnt a lot of
calories with our sex making.

Why you have tire tracks over you?

Just give us a second, Slutvana.

Okay. I'm just gonna go cool

my naked body with some freezer air.

[chuckles]

Mm.

I'm sorry you had to see that.

No big deal. I liked meeting her.

She seemed smart and fun.

Before you interrupted,

you were saying something about
a mistake.

Yes, I...

was mistaken when I said I did not want

the Queen Victoria bust.

She has a great deal
of sentimental value,

and I would like her back.

Okay. Now?

- Yes.
- Okay.

Ooh. Are you sure, Anna?

She's quite heavy.

Oh, I am stronger than you'll ever know.

Son of a bitch!

Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Got it.
- I'm fine.

That's dense. That's denser than I...

Thought. That's... I'm okay.

- Good evening.
- Good-bye, ladies.

Why would you make up a fake job

in some made-up state?

Pennsylvania is a real state,

and I made it up to see how you'd react.

Dr. Witsel asked us how we would
deal with a real challenge

in our relationship, so I gave us

a real challenge.

- And?
- And we failed.

How is this a failure?

I have been so supportive of you.

It's a failure...

because you don't want to be with me.

What? Why else would I have married you

if I don't want to be with you?

Honestly?

I think you married me because
you love the idea of marriage.

You think I'm a good guy

who's good to your son

and you love my daughter,

and you thought...

maybe one day you would grow to love me.

What was I supposed to do?

Tell you not to go for your dream job?

That's what Danny did to me,

and that's what ruined our relationship.

Mindy, that is not our issue.

Did you really have no problem
living in separate cities

for the foreseeable future?

[sighs]

Well, this next part shouldn't
be too hard for you.

What are you saying?

Mindy, you don't want to be
married to me.

I think we should get a divorce.

Okay.

Wow. That was...

really fast.

Ben, I am sorry.

I don't know why this isn't working,

and I wish I could feel the way
that I am supposed to feel,

but I just don't.

Good-bye.

♪ ♪

I'm so sorry.

Thanks, Morgan.

You hear all that?

What? No, I broke your shower.
I'm so sorry.

[towel falls]

[exhales sharply]

Tamra, what are you doing here?

Are you dating my neighbor, Mr. Slavos?

That makes sense.
He's amazing at checkers.

No, I was just in the neighborhood,

so I figured I'd drop in.

How was Philadelphia?

Philadelphia was the worst.

Someone stole my magazine on the bus,

and I made the cr*ck
in the Liberty Bell bigger.

And Ben was lying about the job
the entire time,

and then an Eagles fan stabbed me,

and then I witness the destruction

of my best friend's marriage.

So this means you're not
moving to Philadelphia?

No, I can't. I can't move the dogs

in the middle of the school year.

[dogs barking]

- TAMRA: Ow!
- MORGAN: Down, down, down!

[dogs continue barking]

Pamela, can you book
a pedicure for me this weekend?

And I don't want the man.

[knock on door]

You don't need to come in here.

I just... I don't want Doug.

Hey, Cliff.

Guess who needs a divorce attorney.

Oh, dear God.

Go to bed.