04x01 - Welcome to the Alternate Economy

[bunniefuu]

ETHELRIDA: My history report, by Ethelrida Pearl Smutny.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Frederick Douglass once intoned, "I stand before you as a thief and a robber. "I stole this head, these limbs, this body from my master, and I ran off with them."

What'd you do this time?

I been maligned.

My point being, the moment our feet touched American soil, we were already criminals.

Next.

ETHELRIDA: But this report isn't about my history.

It's about our history.

DRIVER: Hyah! Hyah!

ETHELRIDA: Kansas City, Missouri.

In the beginning there were the Hebrews, and they ran the underworld.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Then came the Irish.

♪ ♪

(SPITS)

(SPITS)

(STAMPING FEET)

(CLUCKS TONGUE)

To keep the peace, the boss of each family gave offer of his youngest son in trade.

Relax, boychick.

ETHELRIDA: The thinking was, by raising your enemy's offspring, an understanding could be reached.

- There.

- And peace maintained.

- Put some hair on your bollocks.

- (ALL CHUCKLING)

(CHEERING)

(CLAPPING)

(SCHOOL BELL RINGING)

(SIGHS)

See, the problem wasn't that I was disreputable.

What'd you do this time?

Punched Dolores Disfarmer with my eye, of course.

I was, in fact, a student of exceptional virtue and high achievement.

The problem was the only thing worse than a disreputable n*gro was an upstanding one.

I got it.

And so I endured the slings and arrows of small-minded folk who, in their narrow thoughts, imagined they could teach me a lesson.

(CAR HORN HONKS)

- (MUSIC PLAYING)

- (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

- Hey!

- (MEN SHOUTING)

WOMAN (SCREAMING): Oh, my God!

Oh!

(SHOUTING)

♪ ♪ Well done, boyo.

Bring the lad.

(GRUNTS)

And now... my son.

Are you familiar with the legend of Goldilocks?

Someone...

has been sittin' in your chair.

And someone has been eatin' from your bowl.

And someone has been sleepin' in your bed.

It's time...

... for bears to be bears.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah.

(CRYING)

(WHIMPERING)

Chew him up.

ETHELRIDA: Logic dictates that in every fight, there is a winner and a loser.

But this is a history report.

And what does history tell us?

Peace don't last for long.

♪ ♪

(HORN HONKS)

The Italians came next.

That's how it worked.

Whoever was last off the boat, finding the doors of honest capital closed, rolled up their sleeves and got to work, getting rich the old-fashioned way.

(YIDDLES SPITS)

(SPITS)

(STAMPING FEET)

♪ ♪

(KISSES)

ETHELRIDA: Webster's defines "assimilation" as...

"the process of becoming similar to something."

You can check it if you want, but it's factual.

But imbibing these words, dear reader, we are forced to ask, similar to what?

TEACHER: Have a seat, Ethelrida.

ETHELRIDA: If America is a nation of immigrants, then how does one become American?

I take your meaning and applaud your intent, but if it's all the same, I believe I'm gonna go ahead and stand.

♪ How'm I doin', hey, hey... ♪

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- And, you know, he lied so much, they called the son of a bitch "Two Face."

But you can't be too careful.

So, after I sh*t him between the eyes I rolled him over and sh*t him on the other side, just to be certain.

- (LAUGHTER)

- Let it never be said...

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

It's the double cross.

Let me in, I got to talk to my dad.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

You pig f*ckers.

You sons of whores.

I'll m*rder the lot of you!

(YIDDLES WHEEZING)

YIDDLES: A curse on you...

ETHELRIDA: Winston Churchill said, "History is written by the victors."

That's a fancy word for winner.

My folks have a system.

Dad does the white funerals.

Condolences.

Condolences.

Mom ministrates to the colored.

(ORGAN PLAYING)

What's this?

It's the Urbanski to-do, remember?

Should I go around back?

Dad?

Uh, no, no. Just...

It's winding down, go on through to the kitchen.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(BLOWING NOSE)

Oh, oh, apologies.

- What?

- Oh, I-I...

I was simply excusing myself.

I'm not normally this out of sorts.

It's a funeral.

People cry at funerals.

Ah, amen.

Those are wise words for a person of your complexion.

But, then I've noticed your people are often more in touch with their spiritual and emotional side.

My people?

(SNIFFS HARD)

The n*gro.

It's a Baptist fervor, I'd wager, what causes them to hoot and tumble to the floor, aflush with the Holy Spirit.

Miss Mayflower, I see you've met my daughter, Ethelrida.

Your daughter?

THURMAN: The one and only.

Ethelrida, this is Miss Mayflower.

She's a nurse at St.

Bartholomew.

Oh, yeah.

Huh.

Yes, now I see it.

This child is certainly the product of miscegenation.

Uh, if by that you mean she's the spitting image of her father, then I take that as a compliment.

Your mother must be quite dark-skinned.

As I've-I've noticed in my study of the human animal that in the combination of the races, it is De rigueur for the more extreme coloration to prevail.

(SNIFFLES)

I'm going to the kitchen.

It was very nice to meet you.

Lovely.

(LAUGHS)

Well, I best be going.

ETHELRIDA: Here's the thing about America: the minute you relax and fatten up...

(CAR HORN HONKING)

... somebody hungrier's gonna come along, looking for a piece of your pie.

♪ ♪

You come alone?

(WHISTLES)

♪ ♪

(KISSES)

♪ ♪

(SPITS)

Nah.

Relax.

♪ ♪

I just thought, being men, we should do this like men.

(CHUCKLING)

(FADDA MEN CHUCKLING)

♪ ♪

LOY: Well, all right, then.

DONATELLO: Yeah, all right.

DOCTOR SENATOR: You sure about this?

You're the one who said w*r was k*lling us.

But you remember what happened to the Irish?

We had this back-and-forth already.

They got the upper hand now, but not for long.

So we play along or keep cutting each other's throats.

He's your boy.

There's got to be something less we can risk.

♪ ♪

(QUIETLY): Keep your head down.

If there's trouble, swing for the balls, then the eyes.

SATCHEL: No!

No.

No!

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Learn everything.

Sleep with one eye open.

Be as Daniel in the lion's den.

I don't want to go.

Come on, kid.

Hey.

You want my advice?

Be who you need to be, don't forget who you are.

This is Zirominu Guglielmo Fadda, youngest son of Don Fadda.

Protect his life as your own.

Where you from...

Dublin, Italy?

(CHUCKLES)

ETHELRIDA: And here's what you need to know about the people in that room.

None of them were white.

They were dagos, Negroes, micks, all fighting for the right to have been created equal.

But equal to what?

And who gets to decide?

And that leads me to this conclusory idea, dear reader, which is that history is made up of the actions of individuals.

And yet, none of us can know at the time we act that we are making history.

Mama?

Go to your room.

- But I...

- I said go to your room.

♪ ♪ (BIRDS CALLING)

♪ ♪ LOY: He behaving?

DONATELLO: Boys are boys.

But he clean his plate.

He says "sir."

LOY: We should talk about the stockyards.

DONATELLO: A done deal is done.

What could we say?

Well, we could talk about how most of the labor on the east side is colored now and how that should make it ours.

DONATELLO: I own black clothes.

You saying those are yours, too?

(OMIE SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

So I give him a little uppercut, keep him on his feet.

- (CHUCKLES)

- So, right after...

Which one of you is Samuel?

Lemuel.

- What?

- My name is Lemuel.

It's in the Bible.

The Jew part or the Catholic part?

Boy, you need to get up out of here.

We're trying to have a civilized conversation.

Do you know who I am?

Do you?

- What?

- You say "what" a lot.

- What?

- I think he's confused.

Boss.

It's a playground.

Come on.

(CHUCKLES)

(CLICKING TONGUE)

Like I was saying...

Had to hit him with a couple uppercuts.

Want to keep him on his feet.

LOY: His mama needs to see him.

DONATELLO: Hmm.

We can arrange something for the weekend.

Just the women.

You're acting like I work for you.

We got an alliance.

And I know you think part of being an American is standing on my neck.

But I see the window signs.

"No coloreds, no Italians."

So we're both in the gutter together, like it or not.

Now, I'm gonna keep growing my business...

... and making sure my people are safe.

You want to start murdering children?

Last I checked, you had more than me.

Calm down.

There's no anger here.

Just business.

Ah.

♪ Up and down this road I go ♪

♪ Skipping and a-dodging from a . ♪

♪ Up and down ♪

♪ This road I go... ♪

See you in the Bible.

That don't even make sense.

(SPEAKS ITALIAN)

♪ Jack the rabbit... ♪

Take the kid.

I got a meeting.

♪ Just one hair ♪

♪ Jack the rabbit ♪

♪ Jack the bear ♪

♪ Won't you light it ♪

♪ Just one hair ♪

♪ Up and down this road I go ♪

♪ Skipping and a-dodging from a . . ♪

We should move on them already.

They don't respect you, they don't respect the family.

You think they don't talk about us like this in Mission Hills?

In Leawood?

Hmm?

"Dago," "wop."

We're the g*dd*mn Roman Empire.

They were born in huts.

Josto.

(MUTTERS FAINTLY)

All I'm saying is who knows what they're doing to my brother.

Three years you had me with the Irish.

Tre Ann...

(CLEARS THROAT)

If I say it is so, it is so.

Hey!

Tell him about Gaetano.

Tell me what?

Your brother's coming over.

He wants to see your ma.

When?

Uh...

Next week.

Visitina? Yeah.

(CAPS POPPING)

(GRUNTS)

Bang!

Bang!

BOY: Put your hands up!

Put your hands up!

♪ ♪ So you were just gonna sneak him in so he could, uh, what, measure the drapes?

- This is my town.

- (SPEAKS ITALIAN)

He's not even American.

- Come on, already!

- (HORN HONKING)

I'm the boss.

This is my world.

My crew.

Yeah.

(DONATELLO CLEARS THROAT)

(CAPS CONTINUE POPPING)

(CONVERSATION CONTINUES FAINTLY)

BOY: Bang!

Bang!

Bang, bang.

- Papa.

I didn't, I didn't mean...

- You...

♪ ♪ (CAPS POPPING)

♪ ♪ Bang!

- (GRUNTS)

- Pop.

Pop, what's the matter?

Pop.

Hey.

(CAPS POPPING)

- (DONATELLO GRUNTING)

- Pop.

Pop.

- (EXHALES HEAVILY)

- What?

Pop.

Hey, Pop.

- Boss?

- Pop.

- Pop.

Papa.

- Hey, what happened?

- Boss!

Boss.

- Pop.

Pop!

- Pop!

Pop.

- Boss.

What happened, boss?

(FARTS LOUDLY)

- (GRUNTS)

- Christ.

- Gross.

- (DONATELLO SPEAKING ITALIAN)

- Oh...

Oh, Pop.

- (WHOOPS)

Oh, Jesus Christ.

(GRUNTS)

- (GASPS)

- Oh!

- (GRUNTING)

- Pop!

Che cazzo? Go!

Go, - go, go, go, go!

- No!

Get your ass moving, hurry!

- (HORN HONKING)

- CROSSING GUARD: Oh!

Stay with them.

Hey!

Hey!

Faster, Antonio, faster!

Step on it, Antoon!

Hey.

That's the wrong door!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Come on, boss.

Keep that pressure on his neck.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

All right.

Guys, what hap... w-what happened?

(CHATTER CONTINUING)

Doctor!

Doctor!

Doctor.

- We need a doctor.

- Sir, there is a line.

- He's cut.

Call a doctor.

- You need to check in properly.

- Get the f*cking doctor.

- Sir, there is no need for that tone.

Darling, you best find a doctor or this man's gonna die right here in your lobby.

And then you'll have us to deal with.

Stay calm, Papa.

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Gentlemen, we don't want any trouble.

I'm the hospital administrator, Dr.

Harvard.

Are you kidding?

Is he kidding?

Can I get a f*cking doctor?

- Is that a g*nsh*t?

- PAOLO: Absolutely not.

My friend, we are both professional.

So, what's it gonna take?

Gentlemen, this is a private hospital.

We serve only a certain class of people.

A certain class of people?

Respectable.

American.

Now, St.

Bartholomew is a few miles away.

That's the public hospital, for your kind of people.

I recommend you take your business there.

Hurt this guy.

- No.

Wait!

- Now hold on.

You should know we've called the police, and they're on their way.

I propose you go to St.

Bartholomew's.

Immediately.

(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Get him in the car.

Keep the pressure on.

- Come on, Paolo.

- Come on, let's go.

Let's go.

You and me are gonna dance again later.

Hmm?

Let's go!

- Go!

- Go, Antonio.

- Antonio, go, go!

- (SPEAKING ITALIAN)

- Go!

- Go!

(HORN HONKING)

WINCKLE: You boys find the place okay?

The third-largest bank in the state.

Found it fine.

Well, any friend of the Alderman's a friend of mine.

He tells me you're a banker yourself.

In your community.

Well, we give personal and small business loans.

This is my associate, Doctor Senator.

- You're a doctor?

- DOCTOR SENATOR: No, sir.

Name is Doctor.

Uh, Doctor Senator.

It was my mother's idea.

- And what was her name?

- Ma'am.

- (LAUGHS)

Her name was Ma'am?

- LOY: Doc here runs operations for the entire Midwest region.

- He has a PhD in economics.

- DOCTOR SENATOR: Mm-hmm.

Howard University.

That's the n*gro school.

Can we cut to the chase?

Wink?

Can I call you Wink?

We're here 'cause I have an idea.

- An idea.

- I'm something of a futurist, which means I don't just see how to make money today, I have a premonition about the wealth of tomorrow.

At our bank, we extend a lot of credit.

But unlike this fine establishment, we don't always ask for commensurate collateral.

And what I've learned is that every average Joe wants one thing, and that's to seem rich.

Not to be rich.

To look rich.

It's about face.

Picture it's Saturday night, and you're going out with your best girl.

You promised her lobster, but there's a problem.

You've only got two dollars to your name.

But you're not afraid, 'cause you've got this.

WINCKLE: Is that... ?

(LAUGHS)

What is that?

I call it a credit card.

Accepted at stores and fine dining establishments around the country.

LOY: Can't pay for the meal today?

Put it on credit, pay for it tomorrow.

Plus interest.

That's the key.

We've already got about a hundred businesses signed up in the colored community around the state.

- It's heavy.

- That's just a prototype.

The real card could be manufactured - from a lighter material.

- For instance, there's are a lot of exciting things happening these days in plastics.

And you're saying the bank, uh...

What are you saying?

LOY: What you hold in your hand right now is something I call a financial instrument.

It is a product your bank will offer to customers.

(PNEUMATIC TUBE RUMBLING)

Uh, just think of it as an open line of credit paid back weekly.

Or monthly.

I don't understand.

If you got your own bank, what do you need us for?

Simple.

I've already got a customer base.

What I need help with is convincing white businesses to take the card as a means of payment so we can expand into your community and then go national.

I was thinking a partnership, - .

No.

No?

I'm offering you a million-dollar idea.

- A billion-dollar idea.

- (WINCKLE SCOFFS)

I'll give you this, you boys have got a hell of an imagination.

(CHUCKLES)

But the people I see day in, day out...

hardworking people, family men...

well, they're just not gonna spend money they don't have.

- Mr. Winckle...

- And charging 'em high rates of interest, preying on 'em when times get tough, well, that's just not what banking's all about.

(CHUCKLES)

But thanks for thinking of us here at Winckle Savings and Loan, voted number one in customer services for the larger Kansas City metro area three years running.

(CHUCKLES)

You fellas have yourselves a crackerjack day.

How'd it go?

A f*cking dream come true.

(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(ANTOON WHIMPERING, SNIFFLING)

DR.

SANJIT: We got the pellet out, but he's lost a lot of blood.

I want a real doctor.

I assure you, I'm as real a doctor as you can get.

Is he gonna die?

I'd like to keep him here a few days.

Uh, as I said, he's lost a lot of blood.

What matters is he rests.

- (DOOR OPENS)

- (INDISTINCT ANNOUNCEMENT OVER PA)

I want two guys on watch all night.

I'll take care of it myself.

Send everyone else home.

And what about your mama?

Tell Maxia.

She'll talk to Ma and the others.

They can come in the morning, if he makes it.

(SIGHS)

Oh, excuse me, young fella, - chuck wagon coming through.

- Oh, sorry.

Oh, God, no need for sorry.

What with you worrying and grieving.

Hey.

You got any bennies?

Zoomers?

A little chicken powder?

You know, something to pick me up.

I've had a world-class day.

Well, sir, those...

... those types of narcotics...

when prescribed as a medical remedy, say, as a mood elevator or to strengthen the concentration...

can be quite effective, but ingesting them without the written prescription of a certified physician...

(CLICKS TONGUE)

that's not something I can help you with.

Psst.

What if I share?

(SNORTS)

Holy Christmas.

Mm-hmm.

When using illicit substances, it's very important to avoid obvious physical tells: redness of the eyes, inflamed epidermal tissue, say around the proboscis.

- You got a funny way of talking.

- Yep.

I'm from Minnesota, land of , lakes.

No, I mean...

(CLEARS THROAT)

you use big words.

Well, I've found in my years on God's green Earth that it's absolutely critical to be precise in your use of language so as to avoid instances of misreckoning.

(EXCLAIMS)

Well...

I should return to my ministrations.

You have a Bunsen burner?

Huh?

No.

Oh, no.

There was no bang when they sh*t him.

Hmm?

My father.

Mm.

Who sh*t him?

I don't know.

Children, I think.

That's not what matters.

Mm, tell me what matters.

Hmm?

(SIGHS)

He's in a lot of pain.

And I don't like to see him like that.

Will you take care of him?

I shall attend to him faithfully until the Lord arrives.

Aces.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

♪ To live in an old shack by the sea... ♪

Bang.

♪ And breathe the sweet salt air ♪

♪ To live with the dawn ♪

♪ And the dusk ♪

♪ The new moon ♪

♪ And the full moon ♪

♪ I am everyone ♪

♪ Anyone ♪

♪ No one. ♪

DIBRELL: I was about to ring the bell again.

Sorry.

Miss French started us on reverse fractions.

THURMAN: Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest, and let Thy gifts to us be blessed.

Amen.

- Amen.

- Amen.

You know, Zebron says we might be getting the American Pathology Conference right here in Kansas City next year.

Maybe they want me to present my paper on how to simulate a lifelike glimmer - in the human eye.

- It's happening.

(CHUCKLING)

Who were those men earlier?

The which?

After the funeral.

You sent me to my room.

THURMAN: Sorry about the exchange with Nurse Mayflower before.

She's... you know, a bit of an eccentric.

Progressive in her way, I suppose.

By all measure, a fine woman.

Works at St.

Bartholomew's.

Hmm.

You mentioned.

Ma, who were those men?

DIBRELL: Well, Ethelrida, not all things in this house is for your understanding.

Your father and I do deserve some privacy.

Dad?

I'm not a kid, you know.

Well, dear, technically...

I know there's something afoot.

I hear the whispers late at night.

I'm a part of this family, you know.

Girl, you best sit down and finish your meal.

I know I didn't raise a child who would throw such histrionics at my dinner table, under my roof.

What your mother's trying to say...

DIBRELL: Don't "what your mother's trying to say" her.

She hears me.

And if she don't, she damn well hears my tone.

Sit down.

That's better.

Believe me, if there's something your father and I want you to know, you're gonna know it.

Now, pass the peas.

♪ ♪ (HORN PLAYING)

I'll get Lemuel to bring you out a plate.

- Hey.

- CHILDREN: Daddy!

All right.

BUEL: Give your daddy some room, now.

He's had a tough day.

Hmm.

How you know what kind of day I had?

'Cause you got a face and I've been looking at it - every day for years.

- Oh.

Boy, get a plate together and bring it out to Opal.

Now.

Hey, Mama.

(MUTED TRUMPET PLAYING SLOW MELODY)

Lemuel says you saw Satchel.

(QUIETLY): Yeah.

Skinny.

- I don't want to hear that.

- And I don't want to say it.

But this ain't no fairy tale.

How's he doing?

He ate a loaf of bread for lunch.

I called him Satchel twice.

We'll get him back.

When?

As soon as I see their throats.

- Who made dinner?

- (GIRLS GIGGLE)

- Did you help your mommy?

- Yeah.

- You better help your mommy.

- (GIGGLING)

And if you made it, I can't wait.

(CHUCKLES)

(MOP SLIDING)

(LIQUID POURING)

(BOTTLE TOP SQUEAKING)

(SIRENS WAILING IN DISTANCE)

(SNORING LIGHTLY)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Okay, my lovely, no need to fret.

Mama's here.

(QUICK INHALE)

(CLEARS THROAT)

(ORAETTA SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Does it hurt, my lovely?

This earthly realm.

(WEAKLY): Dumini.

(LABORED BREATHING)

(SPEAKING ITALIAN)

Get...

the doctor.

- You speak Italiano?

- Mm-hmm.

Y español. Und Deutsch. Enough to becalm my wards and settle my patients.

I'm a people person, don'tcha know.

(CHUCKLES)

Now, rest up, old-timer, for your Lord won't want you if you're ornery.

- My...

son.

- Such a sweet boy.

And he's concerned for you.

He sees the pain you're in, the tribulations you've endured.

But don't worry, it won't be much longer now.

Hey!

Stop that!

- (GASPING BREATHS)

- It won't be much longer.

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Dumini.

(CHOKING, PANTING)

It won't be much longer now.

(GRUNTING)

- (SNORING)

- (DONATELLO CONTINUES GRUNTING)

(GASPING BREATHS, GRUNTING)

(LONG, RATTLING EXHALE)

(HUMMING QUIETLY)

(WATCH TICKING)

(QUIETLY): ♪ I was stand... ♪

(QUIETLY): ♪ I was standing ♪

(A LITTLE LOUDER): ♪ By my window ♪

(LOUDER): ♪ It was a cold and cloudy day ♪

♪ When I saw my ♪

♪ Hearse come rollin' ♪

♪ For to carry my mother away ♪

♪ Will the circle ♪

♪ Be unbroken ♪

♪ By and by, Lord ♪

♪ By and by ♪

♪ There's a better ♪

♪ Home a-waitin' ♪

♪ In the sky, Lord ♪

♪ In the sky. ♪

♪ ♪

(TRAFFIC RUMBLING IN DISTANCE)

(VEHICLE APPROACHING)

Ooh.

(QUIETLY): I know.

Yeah.

Yeah, I told ya, I...

Mm-hmm.

(DOOR OPENS)

♪ ♪ (DOOR OPENS)

Hon?

Is that you?

Geez, it's freezing out here.

Why don't you come inside?

What's gonna happen to me, Dad?

In the world.

Oh, hon.

It's gonna be okay.

There's a place for all of us on this earth.

We just...

we just have to find it.

Why don't you come on in?

Who were those guys?

In the kitchen.

We're just having some money trouble right now, your mom and me.

Not a lot.

Please don't tell her I said.

She's a very proud woman, you know.

Are we gonna lose the house?

No.

No, nothing like that.

Just a bad city inspection, some renovations to do, but we-we got it covered.

Want me to read to you, help you fall back asleep?

Dad, I'm .

Doesn't mean you don't need a bedtime story from time to time.

What do you say?

Wizard of Oz?

All right.

Come on.

(LOCK CLICKS)

(DOGS BARKING IN DISTANCE)

(WIND HOWLING)

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS IN DISTANCE)

♪ ♪