19x02 - The Talented Mr. Stewie

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪


Rupert, remember that very expensive bottle of coconut water I got from Pressed Juicery in Newport that we were saving for a special occasion?

Well, I'm going to need you to get two Dixie cups and open it!

I got Busy Bee for the second week in a row!

Miss Debby said that I was the best at sharing and helping.

And she didn't even have to say that.

She just had a cyst removed from her ovary.

You were right, Rupert.
I did exactly as you said.

I just took it one day at a time and minded my own beeswax, and now look.

Two weeks in a row.

This is good for us.
This is very good for us.

I know I wasn't originally supportive when you joined A.A., but I have to say, I've gotten something out of it, too.

I mean, it works when you work, so work it.

Or, y-you know, h-however it goes.

The point is, together, we are unstoppable.

I'm going for three weeks, Rupert.

Nobody's ever gotten Busy Bee three weeks in a row before, and with you by my side, I know I can do it.

You know, you look good. I don't tell you that enough.

I want to show you how much I appreciate you.

LOIS: Stewie, are you up there?

(laughs) Her timing, am I right?

- LOIS: Stewie?
- What?

Oh, there you are, sweetie.

You want some animal crackers?

I just went to the market and got a new crate.

Ugh, can't you ever come back from shopping without looking like you were getting supplies for a refugee camp?

They're downstairs if you want some.

Get the hell out of here.

You know what? I actually do want some animal crackers, so... to be continued.

The stuff is in the top drawer, so just, you know, get it ready.

I'm going to do something really nice for Rupert.

Show him how much he means to me, Annabelle.

Oh, no, no. No, no, I don't want you to k*ll anyone.

- I'll let you know.
- There you are.

What are you doing up here?

Oh, hey, Bri.
I'm making a collage for Rupert.

We've been f*ring on all cylinders lately, and I just wanted to let him know I care.

That sounds stupid.

Well, Annabelle doesn't think so.

Right, Annabelle?

PETER: Holy (bleep), what is that?!

Wow, look at all these old photos.

Aw, I was such a cute puppy.

That's not you. That's Snuffles.

- He got hit by a car.
- Oh, word?

You want to see something upsetting?

Look at this photo of Chris.

He's, like, three years old, and he's in a mobility scooter rolling around an oxygen t*nk.

Wait. Is that Rupert?

- Oh, yeah, I guess it is.
- What's he doing with Chris?

Well, Rupert belonged to Chris before he was yours.

- Didn't you know that?
- No, I did not know that.

Yeah, he was named Skippy.

He had a different name?!

Yeah, Skippy. Chris took him everywhere.

- Used to sleep with him, too.
- You shut up!

I think he was Peter's before that.

Oh, God, this can't be happening.

I thought Rupert was mine first, not some multigenerational family dong koozie.

We need to talk, Skippy.

That's right, I know all about you and Chris.

Ah, ah, ah, don't.
Don't run out, don't run out.

Look, just sit right there, please.

I'm not angry, all right?

I've j...
I've had a lot of time to think, and, well, look, I-I don't see why this has to change anything between us.

We both have a past.

(high-pitched): Hello, I'm a lady comedienne.

I want to get on stage and talk about my husband and how he leaves the toilet seat up, et cetera.

Yeah, you don't seem like a lady.

Maybe a boy or a baby or something.

I don't know, but you're no lady.

How dare you, sir!

Must I show you my genitalia in order to book a gig at this establishment?

- Because I will.
- Go on. b*at it, weirdo.

(regular voice): Can I just stick around a little bit so I can go up onstage when you guys win an Emmy?

♪ ♪

Uh, I guess I'll hold it.

I had something memorized, and it all dumped out.

Uh, thank you to the Academy and to all the viewers who watch.

Is the light keeping you up?

FYI, I'm more in love with Michelle, if that was even possible.

Oh. Oh, you know, I still have that headache.

Well, if you want to go over to Chris's room...

I'm-I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I said I wouldn't do that, and I did it.

I'm just gonna finish this chapter.

I'm trying, Rupert.

I really am. I want this to work.

It's just that sometimes I picture you in his bed, and...

(breathes deeply)

Anyway, big day tomorrow.
They're picking Busy Bee.

I should get some sleep.

(crying)

I'm sorry.

Nights are hard.

Well...

I didn't get it.
They gave Busy Bee to Frederick.

Frederick!

I'm not gonna hit you, so relax.

Anyway, the point is it's not working anymore, Rupert.

I can't focus. I can't concentrate.

Clearly, my work is suffering.

Look, we're both adults.
We can split custody of Simon.

I guess I'd better tell him.

- Simon?
- (beeps)

You know Mommy and Daddy love you very much.

(beeps twice)

But Mommy and Daddy need some time apart.

(sustained low beep)

Simon. Simon. Simon.

Knock, knock.

Stewie, can you see who's there?

- What?
- Someone was knocking at the door.

It-it was me.
I just went "knock, knock."

There they are again.

I don't even know how to process that, so I'm just gonna cr*ck on.

I have somebody here that would like to see you.

- Your teddy bear.
- You don't have to be coy.

I know he was yours first.

And, well, I want you to have... Skippy back.

I know you're going to try and stop me, but hear me...

- Okay.
- Oh. Great.

Then I'll just leave him here.

I hope you're both very happy together, Chris.

He belongs with you, not me.

Well, I should get back to my book.

That's a clock, but okay.

This is just one night, got it?

Now, I'm going to call you Rupert.

You okay with that?

And tomorrow, nothing happened.

By the way, I have a Sleep Number bed.

But don't worry, I don't use it for sexual purposes.

(motor whirring)

What do you think of that?

That something you can work with?

(yawning)

Well, looks like someone was up late.

Yeah, I tend to sleep a little longer when I'm resting under a big, furry bear.

Oh, no! They's doin' gay jokes without me.

Shh, shh, shh, shh. It's okay.

You're part of it now.

God, you're sexy.

What are you looking at?!
I told you that was one night!

Now get out. I called you an Uber.

I'll know if you went further than your house.

- Hey, what are you doin'?
- Oh, hey, Bri.

I was just putting some product in my hair, you know.

Yeah, this looks good.
Give it a little height.

Let everyone know Stewie's
back on the market.

I heard that on Friends.

Did you know they're all now?

I knew Courteney Cox was.

So, how you doing with Rupert gone and everything?

Are you kidding? I'm fantastic!

He was kind of holding me back, if I'm being honest.

It's time I got out there again.
I've had one bear my whole life.

- That's not normal.
- Nothing about you is normal.

I mean, I've already wasted a whole year of my life with him.

There's only been a year of your life.

You know, all of your responses have been very similar, so you might want to nip that in the bud.

Look, the truth is, things got a bit stale between us.

There wasn't one part of Rupert's body that I didn't know by heart.

None of it excites me anymore.

Well, do you want me to keep an eye on Rupert for you?

Make sure he's doing okay?

No need. I turned him into a nanny cam.

- A nanny cam?
- Yeah, I put it inside him.

Deep. It's inside him now.

I-I don't know how to respond that won't sound similar to other responses I've made, so just, uh, continue.

Right. Well, whenever Chris and Rupert interact, ten minutes later, I'll get a chime notification on my phone, and I can pull up the video.

Why is there a delay?

Why can't you get the video immediately?

I don't know.
Why can't you poop on a toilet?

- Fair.
- (phone chimes)

Ah, it's chiming, it's chiming.

Okay, okay, calm down, just calm down.

(breathes deeply)

Now, what do we have?

Oops. Sorry, Skippy.

(gasps) Are you seeing what I'm seeing?

Is Chris wearing a nicotine patch?

You know what, it's just like I said.

He and Chris go together, like peaches and cream.

Peaches. Peaches, I'm sorry.

Damn it. You could've at least given me some warning.

At least a-a shoulder tap.

I know, you're right.

It's just that you're so beautiful,

I can't control myself sometimes.

Aw, I can't stay mad at you.

How about a kiss?

(chuckles): No-ho-ho-ho. Oh, no.

(forced laughter)

I'm sorry, was that loud?
Sorry, everyone.

We're being loud. Oh, this is Anton.

Stewie, let Mommy help you into your high chair.

Well, I am a little wobbly today.

It's your fault, you know.

Stop it, we're with my family.

Easy. You're pinching my pits.

God, it's like being picked up with lobster claws.

We hate her, by the way.

Ah, I see you got my text to bring Rupert to dinner.

You're looking well. And this is Anton.

He's in the touring company of Dear Evan Hansen.

My, aren't we all very modern?

He's just here 'cause I got gum on him and he stuck to my hand.

Okay, that's sickening.

Remember when that bear used to be yours, Chris?

Oh, you used to take him with you every...

You shut your mouth, you hear me? Shut it!

Oh, someone's tired.

Brian, you want to put the baby down?

Okay, yeah, he is a little fussy.

I'll take him upstairs. Come on, Stewie.

Brian, he's not in Evan Hansen.

He's a male prost*tute.

Very cheap.

Please tell me Rupert looked fat, Brian. I'm begging you.

He's a stuffed bear...
He-he looked enormous.

Yeah, I thought so, too.
Puffy, you know?

Glug, glug, glug.
Someone's back on the sauce.

(phone chimes)

Goodnight, Skippy.

Just a warning, I had some bad experiences at camp, so now I sleep with one eye open.

(raspy breathing)

I can't believe it, Brian.
I've been forgotten.

I can't take it anymore!
It's eating me alive!

What are you gonna to do?

I-I need to take a trip.

You know? Go on a spiritual journey.

Find out who Stewie is without Rupert, you know?

I just have to get an Uber to the airport.

Wait... my Uber rating is . ?!
What happened?

(classical music playing)

(tires screech)

(Indonesian music playing)

Excuse me, I'm in Bali on a spiritual journey but I seem to have mistakenly wandered on to the heavy people beach.

Do you happen to know where the thin, attractive beach is?

Thank you and good luck with whatever's going on with you.

Hey. You should've seen the pigs where I was before.

I'm only wearing a Speedo because that's what they wear in this country.

(chuckles): If I... if I weren't wearing one, then I would stand out, right?

I'm on a spiritual journey. You?

Oh, you don't speak English. Cool.

Rupert? Rupert, is that you?!
You followed me!

This can be a second chance for us.

Let's put everything behind... Oh... oh.

Sorry, I'm-I'm so embarrassed.

You-you look like... an old friend.

He lives with someone else now.

Well, sorry.

You've got to get a grip on yourself, Stewie.

Put Rupert and Chris out of your head.

Excuse me, where are your parents?

Oh. I-I don't... I'm-I'm-I'm like...

I'm like a... I'm-I'm like a baby guy.

_

(Italian music playing)

Mm. So anyway, so I'm-I'm Eat Gay Loving it and it's-it's going great.

And I... Yeah, I finally feel like I'm getting my life together again af-after the breakup.

Oh, my God, oh, this pasta...
This is amazing.

This is amazing. I'm... You know what?

I'm never going to fit into that Speedo again.

(chuckles) Hmm? I will?

Aw.

Th-The whole point of-of this journal... spirit... spiritual journal... j-journey, spiritual journey...

Why-why was that so hard?

...is to be Stewie, you know?

Love Stewie.

Love me. You know, love me.

Stop-stop pouring. Stop pouring.
I can't...

I can't keep track of how much I'm drinking. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for taking me out, guys.


♪ ♪


The retreat is now finished.

I hope you have found the peace you have come here looking for.

Wow. I have so much clarity now.

I know how I'm going to move on.

I have to k*ll Chris and Rupert right away.

I guess that means I'll miss that taping of Deepak Choprah Winfrey.

Everyone, check your seats!

You get diarrhea!

- (cheering)
- And you get diarrhea!

And you get diarrhea!

Everyone's getting diarrhea...!

So, how was the trip?

Um, fabulous.

Well, I have to say, you do look better.

I feel better, Bri.

It was the best thing I could have done for myself.

And you're good with Chris and Rupert now?

Oh, yeah, I'm so good.

Yeah, I acted like a real tool before.

You know, I'm actually gonna make it up to them.

Well, I'm so glad to hear that, Stewie.

What are you gonna do?

I've got something super special planned.

Well, I'm happy you're back. I missed you.

I'm happy I'm back, too.
Oh, and you can skip India.

Huh. Really?

How old is this place?

That black-and-white TV still has a white dot from when they turned it off six years ago.

Hey, Chris, just checking to see how long before you and Rupert get here.

Okay, see you soon, pal.

Hope you're hungry. I'm making something really special.

Goodness, I haven't done a maniacal laugh in a while.

Hope I'm not rusty.

(forced laughter)

That's perfect.

Takeout's fine, he'll never know.

I don't know why I said I was making dinner.

I'm committing a m*rder, I should've realized

I wouldn't also want to cook.

They're here! I can't wait for Rupert to see how good I look.

It'll be the last thing he sees.

- Hi, guys!
- Hey, Stewie,

I brought Rupert, just like you said.

Yes, and nothing else, I see.

What do you mean?

Like dessert or a bottle of wine.

It's customary to bring a hostess gift

- when invited to dinner.
- I didn't know.

Everyone knows that but whatever. Sit, sit, sit!

Well, how is everything?

Oh, Anton couldn't make it.

Poor thing's brother has AIDS.

Anyhoo, it is so good to see the two of you.

This is weird. Why am I here?

For dinner. Here.

What are we having?

Uh... pasta... primavera.

Who made this?

I made it.
I told you I was making dinner.

It tastes like it's from a store.

Well, it's not! You know, you're making this thing a whole lot easier.

What whole thing?

I thought I could live with the idea of you and Rupert together, I-I really did.

I see the way he looks at you.

He used to look at me like that.

Knowing he loves you and not me, it's too painful and I now realize...

Sorry, that's been bugging me all day.

I now realize the only way I can go on with my life is by ending yours.

You're planning on k*lling me?

Oh, my God, you poisoned my food?

That's why it tastes so funny!

It's from a good store!

I thought you said you made it.

I did m... All right, look, we're-we're getting off track here.

How much longer do I have?

There's no poison in the food, Chris.

Although, that actually would have been smart, wouldn't it?

Damn it. I'm sorry,

I-I haven't done this whole Hitchcock thing before.

This hasn't been very Hitchcockian.

Oh, that you know.

Then I'm just gonna leave.

A-And why should I bring a gift

- if you were gonna k*ll me?
- Etiquette?

Look, I'm afraid I can't let you go, Chris.

(grunts)

- (gasps)
- Peter, what is it?

I forgot to record Young Sheldon.

Oh, we got a nice evening for this. Nice evening.

It's like the perfect temperature.

I don't even need a sweater.

Wait. What are you doing, Stewie?

You can turn around right now and go back home.

This is your brother.

(both grunt)

♪ ♪

This is exactly how it happened in the movie!

How can you say this isn't like Hitchcock?!

This is from The Talented Mr. Ripley.

It's not a Hitchcock film!

- It's not?
- No.

It was directed by Anthony Minghella.

(choking): But isn't it a remake?

Of a French film! (cries out)

Oh! (grunts)

This is all because of you, Rupert.

You broke my heart.

- And now it's your turn.
- (phone chimes)

Okay, Rupert, so remember,

we sit through a nice dinner

and then you go back with Stewie.

Because I love my little brother, and so do you.

You guys belong together.

So... you do love me.

Oh, Rupert, I love you so much!

And I didn't want to say it because I-I didn't know if you were going to say it back and oh, what a fool I've... Chris!

♪ ♪

(panting, grunting)

(grunting)

(grunting continues)

♪ ♪

Come on, he's my brother.

Well, you have to use a little tongue.

(coughing)

(gasping)

Chris, are you all right?
Please, say something!

I don't think Jordan Peele has the talent we've attributed to him.

Because of the lake water, uh, I said some things that I did not mean.

Jordan Peele is our greatest living filmmaker, and visionary, both in comedy and in drama.

There is nothing he can't do.

(distorted): Good.
Now let's make some twin p*rn.

Hit me again and you got a deal.

Hey, sleepyhead.

- Stewie.
- How ya feelin', pal?

Uh... Okay.

Do you remember what happened?

- No.
- That's the right answer.

Well, you have a lovely day and we'll see you when you get home.

I think we can get a heart from this kid.

Uhp, nope, he's up.