Hamlet 2 (2008)

[bunniefuu]

To act is to live.

Are you tired? Overweight?

Lacking energy?

Do you wish you could look and feel young again? You can!

By unlocking the power of natural juice with Jack La Lanne's Power Juicer.

We juiced with this other juicer, and look how much work it takes, feeding the small chute.

To act is to breathe the poet's breath.

It is to embody the dreams of man.

To live as an actor is to live a dream.

I'm having a herpes outbreak right now.

But you'd never know it.

Thanks, Herpecol.

But dreams are ephemeral, and sometimes impossible.

So we must ask, where do dreams go to die?

Hey, look, I'm sorry, okay?

Hey, well, why don't I take you out to dinner to apologize for my rudeness?

Give me your number.

You want my number?

Which number do you want, George?

You see, right there. I like the way you say "George."

For instance, ten. That's how many months old my baby girl is.

You got a baby girl?

Sexy?

How about six?

That's how old my other daughter is.

Eight is the age of my son.

Two is how many times I've been married and divorced.

Sixteen is the number of dollars in my bank account.

And I'm guessing zero is the number of times you're gonna call me.

Hey, the reviews are in.

Read them quickly. It minimizes the pain.

"Are Dana Marschz's bi-yearly stagings of

"popular Hollywood films an ironic gesture, "or is he just profoundly confused?

"To be fair, "this year's Erin Brockovich accomplishes something quite astonishing."

"It manages to make last year's production

"of Mississippi Burning look sparkling by comparison."

What about the acting?

"It is perhaps best not to mention the acting.

"In the theater, actors endeavor to simulate human emotion.

"Rand Posin and Epiphany Sellars flap their lips

"and wave their arms like malfunctioning wind-up toys..."

That's enough!

Every trimester we get fisted by this guy!

What's "fisted"?

What?

I have so much anger.

I feel like I've been r*ped.

In the face!

What do I need to do to please you?

Is that the purpose of your plays?

To please me?

I put a lot of myself into my work.

Would it k*ll you to say something nice about it once in a while?

Have you ever considered doing a play that wasn't originally a popular movie?

No. Why?

Do you think I should be writing more of my own material?

That wasn't what I had in mind, but, sure, why not?

You know, there's so much I want to say through my own work that sometimes it overwhelms me.

I gotta go clean the hamster cages.

Are you going to be all right?

Yes, I'm great.

Okay.

Yeah, you take care.

Thanks for the truth sandwich, my little brother.

Morning, Gary.

Morning, Dana.

Top of the morning to you.

It's a really kickass sunny day outside today, man.

Great observation there, Gary.

We live in Tucson.

Can I talk to you, please, privately?

Sure, squishy.

Excuse us.

Yeah.

Sorry, I'm a little groggy. I was up late.

I'm working on an original play.

It's about my childhood.

Anyway, I know we're broke and that we needed a roommate, but I swear to God, I can't live like this anymore.

I'm gonna go back to dealing pot, I swear...

No, no, I will not have you pushing dr*gs.

I was a dealer, not a pusher.

It's just until I, you know, get an agent and start doing commercials again.

Also known as never.

You keep me honest, I adore you for that.

Well...

It's not so bad. I mean, Gary has a car.

That's helped out a lot around here.

Gary has a car.

Maybe I can get him to run me over with it.

You.

What did I do so right to get you in my life?

Hey, Max. Hey.

Okay, I... Okay, I get it.

Hey, g*ng, what's up?

Mr. Marschz, have you seen our new class yet?

No. Why?

Let's just say, it's new and different.

Well, Rand, "new" and "different" are two of my favorite words.

In my prayer circle, I've been praying for more racial understanding, but I still get anxious around ethnics.

Okay, please turn down the music.

Not off, just down.

Okay, we've got ourselves a full house!

Scary!

Normally, I only have the two students.

Let's go around and find out why drama is suddenly so popular.

You?

Yolanda doesn't talk.

But you know the only reason that we're here, right, is because there's asbestos in the portable classrooms, and because we live on the poor side of town and there isn't any money, they just decided to cancel everything that we care about.

You know, like computers and ceramics and shop and arts and crafts, and drama was the only elective left.

Did anyone pick drama as a first choice?

That's fine.

Better never than late.

Okay, as a point of departure, has anyone seen the movie Dead Poets Society, starring... What's your name?

...the always-superb Robin Williams? I'm Octavio.

Well, it's very good. I was, for one week, Mr. Williams' stand-in on the fantastic motion picture Patch Adams, when I lived in Hollywood. Hey, come on.

Hey, I'm just trying to be friendly.

He once gave me a ride to my bus stop.

I couldn't be happier for all his success.

Nice guys do finish first.

So what's... Hey, what's your name?

Heywood.

Heywood...

Heywood Jablomey.

Right.

Perhaps some of you have seen the movie Mr. Holland's Opus?

Starring, I know...

Starring Richard Dreyfuss as a music teacher with a deaf son.

He can't hear his music. Imagine that?

Very sad.

Also stars Glenne Headley.

Wildly underrated.

Check these out. They're all inspirational...

Teacher.

... teacher movies.

What could I do to inspire...

Hey, you f*cking bastards!

Just kidding. Hope I'm not freaking you out.

Wait, I hope I am freaking you out!

Is this guy for real?

Okay, let's start with an exercise.

Rand, get up here.

Okay, Rand. Be an animal.

Hey, check this out.

Yeah, this is one of the most basic skills a drama student can acquire.

That's beautiful, Rand.

Feline good.

Anyone tell what kind of animal Rand is?

He's a p*ssy.

Okay.

Okay. So, Heywood.

What?

What kind of creature would you be?

I could be a flaming ass cr*ck.

Wait, you're already doing that.

You know, I'd like to see your Bottom.

Like to see my what?

I'd like to see your Bottom.

I mean, your portrayal of Bottom in A Midsummer Night's Dream. A Midsummer Night's Dream.

It's written by a buddy of mine, you may have heard of him, William Shakespeare.

Yeah, he liked to goof around, but most of the time he was serious.

Because he, like I, believed that theater has the power, not only to transform the actor, but also the audience.

Do you believe that?

Sounds kind of cuckoo-bananas.

But I believe that.

I believe that with every fiber of my being.

If I kick this trash can...

My God! Yolanda!

My God!

Okay, she's still conscious and she's not bleeding.

Man, you need to be careful.

You know what I'm saying?

Hey, I've learned a lesson here, but I hope you all have, too.

About the vitality of shared experience.

We will all remember this moment for the rest of our lives.

It was dramatic. It was visual.

It was stupid.

It was stupid, but it was also theater.

Okay, I'd like to borrow your cell. Call 911.

Yolanda?

Yolanda?

It's free. Wake up.

Hey.

We started without you.

Apologies.

I had to spend some time with the lawyers for the school district and paramedics.

Now, it's all going to work out.

There's no brain damage.

No charges will be pressed.

I think I need a quesadilla. Immediamente!

Nothing you are saying makes any sense to me.

Turns out my class is fourteen times as crowded as it normally is.

I've got a real tough nut to cr*ck.

A Mexican boy, lives by his wits.

I'm going to inspire this year.

I mean, make a real difference.

I feel, for the first time, I can make a genuine difference.

God! I am getting hammered!

Careful, Brie. You know how you get.

No, Dana. How do I get?

Please, tell me how I get.

No, I see. I got you. I totally got you.

Okay, she got me.

You guys laugh so much.

Another gem of an insight from Gary.

Our boarder, Gary.

Hey, don't forget. We have an A-P-P-O-I-N-T-M-E-N-T at the sperm doctor on Wednesday.

I don't like airing our personal business in front of you-know-who, Gary, but if you're sh**ting blanks, I swear to God, I'm going to s*ab you to death in your sleep.

But, seriously, you gotta let your balls breathe, okay?

It's in that pamphlet I read.

It's... And the corduroy has got to go, especially with the skating.

It's like...

We live in Tucson, for f*ck's sake.

You're broiling our little tadpoles in that crotch of yours. What?

Can I get a virgin strawberry, please?

Seven years sober.

Awesome.

I seriously, seriously wish you would start drinking again.

Brie, I would never judge you.

Good, because if I had to give up booze, I'd blow my brains out living in this sh*t-sack city.

Anyway, to Dana.

My husband. What the f*ck was I thinking?

I'm just kidding.

I don't have a drink.

Did you do something different with your hair today?

Look, I have a life plan, and it does not include you.

Well, if you don't spend no time with me, how are you supposed to get to know me, sunshine?

That's the whole point.

I don't want to spend time with you.

So pretty!

It's from Ethiopia.

I re-watched a fantastic movie last night, Dangerous Minds, starring the gorgeous Michelle Pfeiffer.

It gave me a little insight into your character, Mr. Tough Guy.

Okay, stand up.

Why?

We're going to karate.

No, man. I don't think so.

Come on.

Nice freeball.

Now, punch me.

I'm not punching a guy in a dress.

It's a kaftan, my friend.

Keeps my balls at room temp. Now, do it.

Don't make me do this.

Do it.

Do it!

You all right?

Mr. M? My God!

I can't believe this is happening to me.

Mr. M, are you okay?

Breathe!

I wasn't ready.

Mr. Marx, could I have a minute?

Sure! Sure, sure.

What's the matter with you?

Trying to inspire a troubled student.

Look, I thought you should know as soon as possible.

Last night, the school board, which is facing major financial cuts, decided to cancel drama.

Cancel how?

Completely. Forever.

You can stay till the end of the term and after that, get out.

You can't have a school without a drama department.

Sure, you can.

This is obviously a practical joke.

Look, the county and the school district are in fiscal crisis.

All the arts programs are on the chopping block.

And let's face it, we're not producing any Oscar-winners here.

Tony.

What?

That would be Tony-winners.

It's the award for theater.

Listen up, guy. I've seen your plays.

This is no great loss.

Well, you're a dirty, violent beaner!

You shouldn't have hit him like that!

Shut up, you cow. It wasn't my fault.

He made me hit him.

That, to you...

You are r*cist, okay?

And a terrible person! Really?

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Mr. Marschz? Are you okay?

No, Rand! I'm not okay!

Can you tell me how

a little boy from a dairy farm in Manitoba, who dreams of acting but can't do it very well, and could never get a decent agent, so he moves on, decides to teach, to pass on his love of the craft...

Can you tell me how he deals with all the God-awful crap that's handed out to him without wrapping his lips around a .45 and just blowing his brains out?

Don't do it!

Is he acting?

No, he's not that good.

Mr. Marschz!

Dana Marschz's wavering consciousness led him to believe that he was leaving this Earth and all its trials.

But the fates had long ago deigned that his life's work was only just begun.

Where the fark have you been?

Staring into the abyss of nothingness.

Drama has been cancelled.

Finally! Now you can go back to your job at Rite Aid and start making some real money.

Dana, I found a great parking spot right out front and there was still time on the meter.

They should just ship you on over to the Gulf, you know, let you talk to people.

All the t*rrorists would just k*ll themselves.

Well, I, for one, am very appreciative that Gary drove you here.

Why did you bring that thing?

I don't know. I thought maybe I could work through my grief in song.

Maybe it's better that I just...

I can't get pregnant.

I think we shouldn't pass on this gene pool.

This is for you, baby.

Am I sh**ting blanks?

Are my testicles an empty t*nk?

Is it all a ruse when I go kergluge?

Why?

I want to Splash you with my hot-buttered love spackle So put your lips around this wedding tackle It's nuclear w*r!

Meyerschz? Yeah, I need a copy of your insurance card.

Can you get the... Thanks.

I'm sorry about my husband.

He's not right in the head.

It's okay. It's Marschz, by the way.

Marschz? Yeah.

Marschz.

Marschz?

Marschz.

Marschz?

Marschz.

Marschz.

I don't care.

Excuse me, I'm sorry to be so forward, but you look a lot like my favorite actress of all time, Elisabeth Shue.

Yeah. I am her.

But you really look like her.

Well, that's because I am her.

My God! I knew it in my heart-soul.

My God! I'm freaking out!

I'm freaking out.

You, you were wonderful in Leaving Las Vegas...

Thank you.

... and so fabulously funny in Adventures in Babysitting, not forgetting Cocktail with Tom Cruise.

What is he like? He seems totally great.

What are you doing in Tucson?

My God! I'm freaking out!

I'm actually a nurse now.

I just, you know, got kind of sick of the business, you know?

Sick of all the horrible people, and it's all about being a f*cking celebrity now.

Anyway, there's a real shortage of nurses out there, and I like taking care of people.

My God! I didn't hear anything you just said because I'm too excited.

Would you come and speak with my drama class?

They would just lose their minds.

No. They wouldn't even know who I am, anyway.

They would.

All right. I'll come.

But, I'm gonna talk about all the insecurity and the self-loathing, the rejection...

Perfect!

So, what's Nick Cage really like?

I mean, were you just paralyzed with awe?

I have to go back to work.

Elisabeth Shue.

I feel so connected to you. Yes, I do.

And I thank you for giving me back my smile.

You're welcome.

Shoo! Shoo, Shue!

God!

Doctor! My God!

Okay, g*ng.

This is the amount we need to save drama.

6K, a.k.a. $6,000. How do we get it?

Piff? Bake sale.

Not enough dough, pun intended.

Yo. We could knock over a 7-Eleven.

Nice thought, but 7-Elevens are not as vulnerable as they used to be.

Don't ask me how I know that.

I saw it on the Discovery Channel.

I've got a little something-something.

Let's hear it.

Toasters. Man, you know, we just move that skeet.

You know, 10 grands.

Hell, we could do that.

Hey, dumbass!

"Toaster" is street for "g*n."

"Toaster" is street for "g*n"?

What a colorful expression!

There he goes! The little kangaroo rat!

Hey, Noah Sapperstein.

Hi!

Happy?

Happy you finally succeeded in taking me down?

No. I think it's terrible what's happened to arts education in this country.

I don't know what to do.

Everything is out of control.

You want to save drama, but you've produced nothing worth saving.

You know, it's like...

It's like my father got reincarnated into the body of a freaking little drama critic.

Look, all I'm saying is, you need to inspire everyone to come to your rescue.

You know, I was thinking of working on a musical version of The Lake House, you know the wonderful Sandra Bullock, Keanu Reeves...

Play with space and time.

No? No.

There is one other thing.

It's a piece I've been working on.

I have the first act and reams of notes in my inspiration box.

It's called Hamlet 2.

A sequel to Hamlet by Shakespeare?

Yes. Yes. Do you think it's a bad idea?

Not necessarily, no.

Sometimes an idea could be so bad, it starts to turn good again.

But... And so, what about funding for drama next trimester?

Forget about the money right now.

Put on a play, and make it the best you've ever done.

Use that as a way of drawing attention to the funding issue.

What if it sucks?

Isn't that a question every artist must ask himself?

Yes! I am an artist, aren't I?

Thank you. You've given me the kick in the pants I needed, kid.

Okay, well, I need to go to recess now.

You're very busy. I understand.

My God! Writing is so hard.

What is your f*cking problem, man?

Dana? Dana? Hey, I need some money.

Hey, it's done.

What is? My original work that's gonna save drama.

The thing I've been working on for the last 47 billion hours.

Is that what you were doing?

I thought you were just having a nervous meltdown.

You're not far off, ladypants.

Any creative person will tell you, you gotta go a little crazy to make great f*cking art.

Hamlet 2?

The deuce. Correct.

Doesn't everybody die at the end of the first one?

I have a device.

"The time machine door opens..."

That's the device.

"... revealing Hamlet, Gertrude, Polonius, "and Hillary Clinton having what appears to be group sex."

It's about my troubled relationship with my father.

But you're doing this at school with the kids, right?

That's the plan, Stan. What do you think?

I think that your enthusiasm is remarkable.

I will take that! I will take it!

Hey, Dana.

Hello, Gary.

Hey! Guess what I've got!

Your head out of your ass?

No!

Right. Watch out! This stuff is sharp.

As in cutting edge. All righty!

Are you okay?

Yes!

You're telling me that this guy traveled through time from Denmark 400 years ago?

And you call me a drunk?

It's true, Papa. I done saw it.

Come here, boy.

Take it easy on him, Ray. He's sensitive.

Come closer.

Lay a hand on him, and I will make you regret it.

You trying to take me on, you time-travel freak?

Getting drunk and b*ating up on a little boy?

That doesn't make you a man, you piece of sh*t!

I got the mind to put you through that wall.

Then f*cking do it, bitch!

Yeah? Do it, m*therf*cker, come on.

What? Bring it!

Excuse me! Excuse me, but they're off-book, and he's definitely not using Shakespearean language, and the v*olence is getting a little too real for me, thank you very much.

Okay, let's stop there.

Heywood, that was very powerful.

Yeah, that was.

It was gangster.

Wow. Where were you when I was seven?

Class, thoughts?

I thought Octavio was amazing.

I felt this electric charge!

He's so much more powerful than any other actor I've...

It's stupid to compare.

I'm just so surprised that one of you people can act.

"One of you people"? What does that mean?

Man, that's some r*cist sh*t right there.

I heard that, man.

If you don't like this class, get out.

Or what, bitch?

Don't you call me a bitch! Hey, simmer down.

I'm so sick and tired of you, Epiphany.

You're hurting me!

Don't do that to my friend!

That's it, that's it.

Let me give you a piece of my mind.

No, I'm really different.

You've got to do something, Dana.

Time out! Time out!

You've got to do something, Dana.

You want nachos or pizza?

Nacho!

I have access to the activities van.

We can go to the Fun Zone in the mall.

I'll get everyone a snack.

You want nachos or pizza?

I could go for some nachos.

Figures.

I'm not doing carbs, but maybe they have a salad or something.

Anything is better than this.

All right, we're back on track!

And we cannot be stopped!

Yeah.

I just don't even care.

Hey, Mr. Marschz.

Hey, are you mad at me?

No, no.

I don't know.

You've barely spoken to me all day.

Is it because of my resistance to these g*ng-bangers?

Hey, hey, just because they're Latinos doesn't make them g*ng-bangers. Got it?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I just love class so much.

I just don't want anything to change.

Rand, you're teacher's pet.

What more do you want?

Come on, let's go hang with the g*ng.

You mean Latinos.

Hey, you little thing. Come on.

Hey, guys, I'm Groucho Marx.

I say funny stuff.

Mr. Marschz, these guys are drunk.

Come on, guys. I said no drinking.

Why don't you have one with us, ese?

Maybe you'd stop being such a pinche joto.

The truth is, Heywood, I haven't had a drink in seven years.

I got the chip on my keychain to prove it, from an organization called AA.

Really?

Yeah. It's a slippery slope.

Beer, liquor, dope, coke, meth, chicks with dicks, then jail.

Hey, what would happen if you have a drink?

My entire life would fall apart.

Okay. Who wants to go? Me.

I would love to go home.

No, no, no, no, no. You can't leave now.

We're just coming together as a class, right?

No.

Heywood, it's late and my wife is ovulating.

Hey, we got you another mango iced tea.

Mango iced tea is my kryptonite.

It's totally.

Powerless to resist.

Okay, a few more minutes won't hurt.

Yeah, I'd drink to that.

He's about to go through the center of the Sun.

Sir, I'm gonna need you to wake up and show me some form of identification.

Time begins and stops now.

We have a 410 with a 614 in the 1100 block of Ocotillo.

What do those numbers mean?

Come on.

Are you sending me to the gas chamber?

Right this way, sir.

What is happening?

Good morning, class.

Okay, I'd like to start by saying two things.

First of all, acid is a very strong drug, and B, where are my pants and underwear?

Excuse me, Mr. Marschz.

We need to discuss something about the latest draft.

The role of Laertes, my part, you've turned him into a gay.

He's not gay. He's bi-curious.

And the role has also been reduced significantly.

Rand, theater is a living thing.

Octavio's performance the other day, combined with my wife's intense desire to get pregnant, not to mention the acid, inspired me to take some bold steps in looking at my relationship with my father.

That meant reducing Laertes' role.

And the gay thing, I just thought you'd be more comfortable...

What? What?

This has nothing to do with my sexuality!

Listen, listen, I've given my life to this class, and now it all goes out the window because of him?

Because he inspired you?

It's what's best for the play.

Not acceptable! I quit!

Man, you can't quit now.

Rand!

Rand! What?

Let's talk about this.

I hate you, you stupid, fat fucker!

Am I fat?

I want you to meet a friend of mine.

He got stuck inside my time machine.

His name is Jesus Christ.

Yeah. We heard you were coming back.

Jesus has a rocking swimmer's bod.

Okay, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

What's really going on here?

Is Jesus, like, a swimmer?

Jesus is very lean...

Can we please wait until lunch to do that?

Thank you.

Where was I? Jesus has a swimmer's body.

Jesus has a swimmer's body, and while he's one of the more spiritual people on Earth, he's also very attractive to you.

He's attractive to me?

Jesus is sexy to you. Which leads us on to the musical interlude, Rock Me, Sexy Jesus.

Okay, you are 40-something minutes late.

I can't do the play.

What?

My dad's making me quit the play.

That's impossible. You're the lead.

He said, "No way."

g*dd*mn macho bastards and their fear of the arts.

They just don't get it!

Okay, we're fighting this.

Even if we have to take on the whole ghetto.

No, wait. What do you mean?

We're going to your house. Now.

No, no, no, we can't do that.

It's not a good idea.

My father tried to stand in the way of my dreams, too.

He's dead now, but you could say, like Hamlet's ghost, I'm still haunted by him.

Because he caused me so much pain, which is why I tried to become an actor, which caused me so much pain.

You can't let your ethnic narrow-mindedness stop your son from thriving in our culture.

I have to take exception to that characterization.

Heywood's a bad boy.

He's a g*ng-banger. A deadbeat.

But he also has a gift.

Who is Heywood?

Your son, Heywood Jablomey.

I just got that.

Octavio doesn't belong to a g*ng.

He's got a 3.9 and an early acceptance to Brown.

He does?

Yes, our concerns about the play are of a different nature.

If it's the sex and v*olence, I can totally tone that down.

No, we are fine with those.

Then what is it?

We merely expressed our absolute distaste for a sequel to what is arguably the greatest play in the English language.

Not to mention the quality of the writing, which is quite low.

Well, no offense, but what the hockey-puck do you know?

Well, I've published nine novels.

I have a PhD in literature.

My wife is a painter.

She currently has an exhibit at the Guggenheim in Bilbao.

Okay.

Then...

Help me fix my play!

I'm trying to save drama!

You have Hamlet using a time machine to stop Gertrude from drinking the poison, to stop Ophelia from drowning.

You're taking the tragedy out of the tragedy.

I just wondered why in Hamlet 1 everybody has to die.

It's such a downer! I mean, if Hamlet had had just a little bit of therapy, he could have turned everything around.

Everybody deserves a second chance!

Yes, well, we'll let Octavio make up his own mind.

Thank you for taking the time.

Let me show you the way out.

Could we talk more?

I would love to get your notes.

I would do anything... I'd do chores.

I'd clean your rain gutters.

I'm afraid we don't have rain gutters.

You're a liar, everybody has rain gutters!

Mr. Rocker?

Yes, what is it, Rand?

Here.

Hamlet 2?

It's the play Mr. Marschz wrote.

What about it?

I think you need to take a look at it.

Why?

Let's just say that when you get to the scene where Gertrude gives Hamlet a hand job, you'll sense my drift.

Did you just say "hand job"?

Yes, I did.

He thinks he's going to save drama with this play.

Mr. Rocker, if you care about decency and if you love this country, you will stop Dana Marschz. Take him down.

Then take him from behind!

Go Mustangs!

Hey!

I'm here for her. I'm here for her.

Apologies, the Snackatorium is no longer available, regrettably, because the ladies who make macaroni and cheese are getting very territorial.

So without further ado, I'd like to introduce you to Elisabeth Shue.

Elisabeth Shue, get up here.

All right.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for having me.

God, I really have a tough time speaking in front of people.

I get a little nervous.

I'm way more nervous than you.

I'm like... My brain is like mush.

Elisabeth Shue, is she real?

Somebody pinch my ass.

It's inappropriate. I'm sorry. It's just...

Should we just take questions?

That'd be great.

Okay, class, questions for Ms. Shue.

Someone other than Epiphany.

Okay, not all at once.

You guys, come on, I asked you to prepare a few questions.

You know, I'm a reasonable guy.

I don't lose it when I...

Jesus Christ!

Can we not share this space in peace?

Epiphany?

Hi. I just want to say I think your make-up is pretty.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

It is nice.

What about Mr. Alpha Male up there?

Got a question for Ms. Shue?

Yeah.

Who are you? Come on!

Could you not even Google her?

The Karate Kid, the crane. "Wax on, wax off."

Soapdish. Dreamer, with the f*cking horse.

Any of that sh*t ring a bell?

Sorry. Pardon my French.

I've heard the word "sh*t" before.

In Hollywood, you pretty much have to swim in it.

That is funny, that's...

Excuse me for a second.

What do you miss about acting?

You know what I really miss about acting?

I miss kissing. In love scenes.

I had so much fun making out with all those cute actors.

I would love to stay and hear this.

Yeah, I think if I had one complaint about nursing, it would be that you don't get to make out with your patients.

It's fricking exciting having Elisabeth Shue in class.

Because of its unwholesome content, the school cannot allow the exhibition of Hamlet 2.

Where did you get that?

Entirely beside the point.

Did Rand give it to you?

Nudity and p*rn are not permitted on the school premises.

There's no nudity or p*rn!

Minimal.

You have Satan French-kissing the President of the United States of America!

It's a parting embrace before the moment of damnation.

The climax of a modernist dance.

I think when all is said and done, you will find it quite moving.

Trust me, I won't.

We're 10 days away. Things are in motion.

Art is happening.

Well, stop it.

You can't stop art.

You're shut down, Marx!

No, you are. You are.

You never believed in me, Daddy! I hate you!

We're putting this play on, and if you don't like it, then tough titties, you ass-turd monkey-fucker!

My God!

Let me see.

Shue.

How do you keep your head held high when people keep throwing steaming piles of crap in your face?

I know, I know.

That's why I got out of the business.

Well, f*ck you, too.

I have to elevate it.

It's not broken and, yes, I will still be able to play any and all musical instruments.

I have to tell you something.

I'm pregnant.

Really?

Are you sh1tting me?

No, no.

Christ in a basket, Dana. That's too tight.

And it will always be too tight.

I will never not hug this unborn baby!

It's like he's giving me hope.

Who?

God.

At this point, it felt to Dana as if the air was perfumed with possibility.

But just as Icarus flew high on wings of wax, oblivious to his impending doom, so was poor, dear Dana Marschz.

Well, I'm lost.

Is blue the right color for a controversial piece of socio-political agit-prop theater?

I think blue makes people sad.

Yes, it does.

There's also orange.

Orange.

The color of fire.

Of ripe tangerines, of the poet's harvest moon!

Glenn, we've done it!

Stop staring at me.

Okay, all right. Okay.

It's ridiculous. But I love it.

Okay, guys, I am pretty effing excited to announce that the musical accompaniment to our play will be provided by the Gay Men's Chorus of Tucson!

Just a steel-town girl on a Saturday night Looking for the fight of her life In the real-time world no one sees her at all They all say she's crazy Locking rhythms to the b*at of her heart Changing movement into light She has danced into the danger zone When the dancer becomes the dance It can cut you like a Kn*fe Hey, guys, thanks a lot for donating your wire-work services.

It really helped out a lot.

When did you guys get started?

We seen them k*ll Bill movies, like, 20 times, and we said, "sh*t, we got some wire, "we got some harnesses."

So we get to work in the backyard, and next thing you know, we're in show business.

So this is your first attempt?

Yes, sir.

Now hold on, girl.

Three, two, one.

That's cool.

Okay. So this is the Danish castle/p*rn theater/time machine.

It's fantastic.

I don't know what it means, but I think it's the best set I've ever seen.

Yeah? Yeah.

Who said shop class was useless?

I don't know.

Wait, somebody said that?

It's a figure of speech.

Hey, M. Hey.

Hey, my buddy's meth lab b*rned down.

I'm sorry to hear that.

No, it's going to be some pretty cherry footage for the play.

Well, excellent. Hey, girls.

Hey, Mr. Marschz. What?

I was thinking, what if me and my whoadies rolled up in low-riders on stage in the third act?

That sounds kind of dangerous.

Yeah, maybe so.

Which is why I want to do it.

We are not making safe theater.

I'm in the wrong place.

Jesus Jones! Rocker's changed the locks.

That is the first sh*t across the bow, boys and girls.

Just like that wonderful film Master and Commander, starring the terrifyingly real Aussie badboy, Russell Crowe.

Five more seconds.

Okay, Chuy, breaking and entering is neither cool nor terrific.

But we got sh*t to do.

Hey, you get off school property in the next 10 seconds or I'm gonna have the Tucson police department so far up your ass you're gonna wish you were a girl.

"What about Hamlet 2 could possibly offend

"Principal Rocker to such a degree?

"Or is offense the offense at all?

"Truth is a nebulous commodity.

"As Roland Barthes tells us, 'Multiple perspectives cannot ever coalesce.'"

Does anybody know what this means?

Did you see this article in the paper?

We're already reading it, woman.

Not the school paper. The News Press.

I stole it from Starbucks.

You really think you're street, don't you?

Don't f*ck with me, homey! I'll cut you.

I liked you better when you were an uptight r*cist bitch.

My God.

"Why is the school board afraid of this man?"

That's a picture of me.

I was an extra in an Al Jazeera TV movie.

I regret it now, but what a fun bunch of guys.

Dana Marsha?

Marschz. Yes?

Consider yourself served.

Thank you.

What a nice man. A smile costs nothing.

sh*t, this is a cease and desist order from the school board.

What does that mean?

That means you can be arrested for putting on this play.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, mister, un-serve me!

All right, mystery man.

Why have you brought us here?

Yeah.

Yeah, why?

This is Joy Junction.

You know, that positive ionic flow.

Jean-Paul, the crew, Burning Man, the lunar cycle, yeah.

So?

Yeah, yo.

Yeah, yo.

Okay, you started to say something and didn't finish your sentence.

You didn't? No, no, you.

No, I know you.

No, N-O, "no."

No, no, more yes. You know, less no.

Okay, I'm a little cuckoo-bananas here.

Look, they throw parties here.

The promoters are at Burning Man.

We can use the space.

He does lighting and stuff like that. See Vitamin J, he acts like a huge dumbass, but he really knows what he's doing.

Let there be light.

My eyes!

Mr. Marashka?

Who? It's Marschz. Yes.

Cricket Feldstein, American Civil Liberties Union.

We spoke on the phone.

The ACLU.

I thought you were a talent agent, like UTA or CAA.

But totally not disappointed.

If you're wondering about the Feldstein, I married a Jew.

It's my understanding that there are forces trying to stop you from performing Hamlet 2.

You received a cease and desist order in regards to this performance?

Yes.

I think we have a First Amendment case on our hands, Mr. Marashka.

It's Marschz. You really think so?

Abso-f*cking-lutely.

No one is shutting down this play.

The Justice Department and the so-called Supreme Court can suck my balls.

What do they have to do with this? My balls?

No, the other thing.

I'm a short blond chick, but I play to the death.

I pick cases that I can win because I wanna win big.

Cases with controversy and headlines and steaming piles of sh*t flying left and right.

Mostly left. How's that sound?

Fine.

Are you on my side? Yes.

Great, let's do it! Okay then.

Do I need to sign anything?

No, don't sign anything!

I think the play's gonna be really good.

It's irrelevant.

Okay.

g*dd*mn gravel! The bane of my existence!

Brights!

My God!

Shut down that piece of sh*t play.

Bruised, but not broken.

Turns out my play has divided the community, but I shall not be deterred.

Dana.

Hang on, I'm going to run myself a big bath.

Dana. I have had, hands down, the worst day ever.

Hey, there's no delicate way of saying this except...

Except Gary and I are together, and we're a couple, and we're moving out now.

Yeah, I'm gonna run myself a big Arthur -style bath with bubbles.

I'm sorry.

And I'm gonna put on my top hat, and wish all my troubles into a cornfield.

That's what I'm gonna do.

Didn't you hear what I just said?

Yes, I did, funny bunny.

Dana.

We're packed, we're leaving.

We're moving to San Diego.

God, I almost believe you.

Believe it!

But why? You're my wife.

Your wife is leaving you.

Gary and I have been getting closer for a while now, and turns out we are very compatible.

As long as he keeps his mouth shut. Anyway.

Look, you've been so busy with your play, and these things happen.

So, don't sweat it. It's...

You'll be much happier without me.

What about the baby?

The doctor told me a while ago that you've been sh**ting blanks.

I should have said something.

That must mean...

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Brie, I'm starting to think you are not a very nice person.

Just wake up, okay?

Left you a protein shake in the fridge.

Gary, let's go.

It's strawberry.

Electric and phone bills are right there, and the rent's due on Thursday.

Good luck with the play.

You really will be better off without me.

Come on.

She's a maniac Maniac on the floor

And she's dancing like she's never danced before

Boy.

f*ck!

Hey, what's cheap and strong?

Grain alcohol.

I feel like I'm in a cage.

And I feel like Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas.

Starring my good friend, Elisabeth Shue.

I'm sorry. Sorry about that.

Can I use your bathroom?

No.

Hey, we got the TVs.

There's a hundred sets in there, woman!

Where did you get them all?

Stole them from white folks, dawg.

I have to say something, guys.

I really think Mr. Marschz is bipolar.

Just like my cousin.

But she takes pills.

He's not bipolar. He's a freak.

Do you think he realizes that every time he wears a dress he's flashing his balls at us?

You know, where is he anyway?

He was supposed to be here two hours ago.

Maybe he's out shopping for a dress.

He should buy some underwear.

Who do you think you are talking like that, white girl?

I heard everything. I heard everything!

I haven't bought an item of clothing in over 10 years because I don't get paid for this job.

Did you know that?

I work for gas money, which is why I skate.

That and the DUI.

My life is a parody of a tragedy!

My wife left me. Baby wasn't mine.

People are trying to run me over.

What are we supposed to do?

It doesn't matter.

We're not gonna get this play on.

We might as well give up now!

What?

He works for gas money?

That is so sad.

Mr. M!

Mr. M!

What happened?

Get away from me, you devil b*tches.

Leave me to the vultures.

p*ssy!

Yolanda.

You come in here and tell us all to be artistic, and put on your crazy-ass play, and when things get a little rough, you act like a f*cking p*ssy?

Yolanda, you don't say much, but when you do, it sure packs a wallop.

She's right!

Okay, you've had a pretty bad day, I'll give you that.

But that doesn't mean you give up.

Why not?

Nobody cares.

Yeah, we do.

I don't want your pity.

Man, you keep talking about making us extraordinary.

That's from Dead Poets.

Well, you're teaching us something really important.

I am? What is it?

It doesn't matter how much talent we lack, as long as we have enthusiasm.

That's truth. Because I lack talent.

The football team, the wrestling team and all the seniors are gonna be like security and kick the asses of anyone who tries to stop this play.

Yeah. And I got some friends to watch the parking lot just in case we have any trouble, you know what I'm saying?

And we're also sold out.

What?

Mr. M, you're not getting it.

Like, all the tickets were bought.

Channel 5 is coming.

And I got a call from one of Elton John's people, something about permission.

And there was a message from this guy at the New York Times.

Mr. M,

we don't wanna give up.

I just get scared.

Every time I try to go for something, my heart gets stomped on like a baby kitten.

That's no reason to give up.

Maybe it is. No, it's not.

Help him up.

Let's go to work.

Okay, hey, guys, my skate is stuck.

I'm such a d*ck.

Wait, what are you doing? Let go of me.

I'm not interested in this monkey-spunk play. Come on!

Ticket holders only.

This event is sold out.

If you don't have a ticket, get the f*ck out of my face.

I am revoking permission for my son to appear tonight.

I am, too.

And so am I.

But why now?

I heard the play was disgusting.

How can you say that if you haven't seen it?

What about this Sexy Jesus song?

I mean, that's just disrespectful.

Look, it's about if Jesus came to Earth in modern times, he would have to market himself like a celebrity.

It's very thoughtful.

That's an oversimplification, but...

I don't care to see my son used as a political pawn!

I'm doing this play for my own reasons.

You know, according to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, if you sign a consent form, that means you're giving consent.

And you can't take that form back, you can't take your signature off it.

You signed it, you signed consent.

So end of deal, okay. End of story.

Sorry, you guys, but you totally gave consent.

You don't control our kids!

Wake up call! You don't control your kids!

Now get out of my performance space, before I have security, a.k.a. the 2nd Avenue Angels, remove your sorry asses.

How did you get the balls to do that?

I'm still a little drunk.

What if I have to go to the bathroom?

Okay, I'll just piss on your pretty little gym shoes.

Welcome to West Mesa High Drama's final performance.

If you are moved by tonight's work, please go forward and support arts education...

Eat sh*t and die, you tramp.

Let go of me! Hey, hands off!

And please take this opportunity to turn off all cell phones.

It's the celestial message.

The portal to infinity is wide open.

Yeah! f*ck yeah!

Look. I studied French at Vassar.

I'm not getting any of this.

Well, can you give us an update?

Free speech is alive and well in Tucson, so go and tell the mundo.

I think it's going terrific.

Are people still walking out?

Mr. Marschz, this is the most important theatrical event in the history of Tucson.

I have to be a part of it.

Rand, that is a very brave and generous thing to...

Piff took the fries.

I've been going to a shrink five days a week and I started on anti-depressants and I'm much more comfortable with my sexuality.

I'd be happy to play Laertes as bi-curious.

That's wonderful!

And I forgive you.

Okay. Stop it. Go get changed.

Okay.

Sometimes I feel like I'm drifting in space I think my heart-soul is falling from grace Therapy's taken me to a better place So why do I feel, why do I feel Why do I feel like I've been r*ped in the face?

r*ped in the face?

Maybe it's buried emotions Or maybe the wrong medication I simply go through the motions They say I need a vacation I really do feel like a sexual victim With dark memories of a rigid dictum This is disgusting! Shut up!

This means I love you, he murmured This will be our little secret You'll wind up horribly m*rder*d If you should dare not to keep it

I know the topic of r*pe isn't nice Don't bring it up when you're breaking the ice Is that why you are so quick to decline To hear this oral fixation of mine?

My head spins like a wheel As I make this appeal If I'm lost then I'll squeal It's a pretty raw deal When they force you to kneel Holy f*ck, it's so real When you're being r*ped in the face

He's totally the man The man with the plan He traveled through time in an awesome custom van Moralistically, he taught us to be good How to set our souls free And do all the sh*t we should Now we do the right deeds We go to church and such And we stopped smoking weed Well, at least not as much And we can't forget to mention The golden rule Do unto others as you would have them Slam, bam, spank you, ma'am Do unto you!

My God, it's Jesus!

My God, it's Jesus!

You're so hot! My God, I love you!

I wanna party with you, Jesus.

Jesus.

Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus He d*ed for our sins You got to believe us Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus All night long I'm simultaneously horrified and fascinated.

We're really amazed You got to believe us Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus Blasphemy! Blasphemy!

All night long He lays down science, really blows my mind But he's also got abs that transcend space and time He's the son of God, and I think that's cool But he's got a swimmer's bod like nobody do Blasphemy! Go back to your seat.

Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus He d*ed for our sins You've got to believe us Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus All night long Immaculate conception really makes my day But the dude's got lats that make me feel gay

"Turn the other cheek" is really showing class But I really think it's sexy when he kicks Satan's ass Kicks Satan's ass!

Kicks Satan's ass!

Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus That's the crane.

He d*ed for our sins You got to believe us Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus Wait, I totally get it.

Jesus kicks the devil's ass.

But it's still disrespectful.

You got to believe us Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus All night long

Surf's up, dudes.

Hey, mister.

My God, it's Jesus!

My God! Jesus!

He's walking on water!

Jesus H. Christ!

Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus We're really amazed You got to believe us His moralistic ways Totally ease us His zen zing zang is gonna appease us Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus His holiest of ways Ain't never gonna leave us Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus All night long Rock me, rock me, rock me, sexy Jesus All night long Rock me, sexy All night long Rock me, sexy Yeah, yeah, yeah All night long

But it's supposed to be intermission now.

We can't have intermission.

The fire department is trying to evacuate the building.

Everyone, keep going!

When I think of those East End lights Muggy nights The curtains drawn in the little room downstairs Jesus, come on.

Coming.

Prima Donna lord you really should have been there You ready? Yeah.

Where are we going?

Got it!

Hold on! Okay.

And it's one more beer and I don't hear you anymore We've all gone crazy lately My friends out there rolling round the basement floor You know, Hamlet, you must forgive your father the abuse you suffered.

You know, sometimes even I feel like my father's forsaken me.

Really?

Good luck.

Thanks, Jesus.

You got my cell number? Yeah.

Okay.

My dad finds out what I've been up to, he's gonna crucify me.

Altar-bound, hypnotized Sweet freedom whispered in my ear You're a butterfly And butterflies are free to fly Laertes, therein lies the rub.

If we use my time machine, then we could save thy sister, thy father, my dear mother, Queen Gertrude.

Not to mention the King.

Your madness must not unwatched go.

That is excellent wire-work!

I never realized the passing hours of evening showers A slip noose hanging in my darkest dreams

I'm strangled by your haunted social scene It was poison!

Just a pawn out-played by a dominating queen

It's 4:00 in the morning Damn it, listen to me good

Watch it.

You watch it, Nacho Bell Grande!

Why are you trying to f*ck with me all the time, bitch?

I'll show you why, vato.

Someone saved my life tonight Sugar bear Sugar bear You almost had your hooks in me That's my cue!

Didn't you, dear?

You nearly had me roped and tied Altar-bound, hypnotized Sweet freedom whispered in my ear You're a butterfly And butterflies are free to fly Fly away Fly away, bye-bye

You have no documentation, no ID, your badge isn't visible, and you accidentally grazed my boob when you tried to walk past me.

I could put you away for a year, you fire-fucker.

You wanna hit me? Hit me!

I would love it if you hit me.

'Cause I'm married to a Jew, I got nothing to lose.

Someone saved, someone saved Someone saved my life tonight Someone saved my life tonight Someone saved, someone saved Someone saved my life tonight Someone saved my life tonight Someone saved, someone saved Someone saved my life tonight Someone saved my life tonight Ophelia, will you marry me?

Yes!

Someone saved, someone saved Someone saved my life tonight Someone saved my life tonight Someone saved, someone saved Someone saved my life tonight Someone saved my life tonight Someone saved, someone saved Someone saved my life tonight I'm sorry, son.

I forgive you, Father!

I was molested as a child.

Maybe that's why I'm so angry.

I forgive you. Father, I forgive you.

I forgive you. I forgive you.

I forgive you.

Wow.

What's going on?

Wow, there's a great energy in here.

I'm suing everybody!

This isn't over.

I want you out of this community.

This play's offensive!

Well, I'm sorry!

No, no, no, don't do that!

That's offensive, too!

Jack Wiggum, please.

Jack, it's Elisabeth. I'm ready to act again.

Shue. It's Elisabeth Shue.

Mr. Marschza? It's Marschz.

My name is Ron Kantor.

I'm with the New York Times.

I was quite taken with your play.

Thank you.

I was very moved when Hamlet forgave his father.

Great!

What about when I forgave my father?

A penny for your thoughts.

I was just thinking about all those voices saying, "You can't do it," and, "You're a loser."

Well, that's psychosis.

You know, I had a feeling...

No, I mean actual voices, like my ex-wife, the school, pretty much everyone.

Well, everyone and their brother wants a piece of your genius ass now.

Is it true that Jeremy effing Irons wanted to do your play and you turned him down?

"Dana, for f*ck's sake, please let me do your play."

It takes a real set of low-hangers, mister.

He won't even let me be in it, and I'm his girlfriend.

I wanna preserve the original cast.

Artistic integrity!

And, yes, he does have a real set of low-hangers.

How romantic.

Well, this play is gonna bitch-slap Broadway like a cheap hooker at a g*ng-bang.

Yeah.

You know, and those Bible-humping protesters can suck a bag of dicks, 'cause all they ended up doing was giving you free publicity.

Yeah, and did you see my dressing room?

It has a bidet.

That was a sink.

It was?

Hey, it's Mr. M. Hi!

Hey. Hi.

Hey, Mr. M. New York's pretty cool.

Compared to Tucson.

You know, Chuy, you're gonna have a magical life.

Because no matter where you go, it will always be better than Tucson.

Come on.