11x04 - Heartbreak Hotel-oween

[bunniefuu]

LINDA: Come on! We're dying out here!

I spent all week on that costume.

- We want to see you in it.
- LOUISE: Hold on, woman!

Three kids getting in a group costume here.

There's a lot of Tina's boobs in my face.

GENE: And Gene's.

So, Teddy, you gonna go home and hand out candy?

Uh, no, I'm gonna go donate blood, the candy of the veins.

Ugh. I mean, good for you.

You're gonna donate blood?
At night? On Halloween?

Yeah, it's fun. They turn the bloodmobile into a vampire mobile.

Hey, you guys should come.
It's right down the street.

I want to give my blood to a vampire car.

Bob, What do you say?

You want to come donate blood with me and Linda?

Mm, no.

Bob's a little squeamish around blood, but I'm in 'cause I'm a good person.

Great. You know what blood type you are?

I'm AB. It's half an ABBA.

I'm A positive. I remember 'cause it was my first A plus.

And Bob is O negative. I remember that 'cause I said,

"Oh, don't be negative just 'cause

I got a better grade on my blood test, you."

- (laughs)
- Wait. Bob, you're O negative?

- That's amazing.
- Why?

Isn't O negative stupid blood?

No, O negative is the universal donor blood.

They can put your blood in anyone.

- Your blood is hero blood.
- Oh, God, is it?

You got to come donate blood with us, Bobby.

No, I don't, Teddy.

And I know that might make me a horrible person, but, oh-oh... oh, well.

Wow. Hero blood just sloshing around inside of you.

- (guttural groaning)
- But you won't let someone stick a needle in there and fill up a blood bag?

- Oh. Oh.
- Teddy, no.

- He's gonna faint. Stop.
- LOUISE: Okay, We're ready.

Ta-da. Snailed it.

What? Oh. Ha! 'Cause you're a snail.

You guys can breathe in there, right?

I don't want to be the mom who suffocated her kids in a giant snail.

We can breathe just fine. See, I'm breathing through the candy-hatch here.

I thought we were calling that the fart vent.

It's both. And it also happens to be wide enough for an entire bowl of candy from a certain candy-stiffer's house.

I-I mean, a single piece of candy, which is all we plan on taking.

Wait a minute. Does this have anything to do with that one house that ran out of candy a few years ago that you can't let go of for some reason?

First of all, it was two years ago, and then they stiffed me again last year, but I can't believe you remember that.

I barely remember that. (laughing)

- (doorbell rings)
- ALL: Trick-or-treat.

Here you go.

Full-sized Professor Caramels? Mama likey.

- GENE: Mmm.
- Uh-oh.

That was our last one.

- Sorry.
- Wait. Seriously? You're out of candy?

Come back next year, and we'll, uh... we'll give you twice as much candy, okay?

Yes, of course. These things happen.

I will see you in days.

Trick-or-treat!

GENE AND TINA: Trick-or-treat.

One for you, one for you, and one for you.
Um, aren't you forgetting something?

Happy... Halloween?

Guys, it's me, from last year.

From when you ran out of candy, and you promised to make it up this year?

Mm, no, I don't remember that.

(laughs) You're messing with me. Good one.

Okay, now go ahead and plop another candy into my bag.

- Excuse me?
- You guys owe me double candy.

So, double me up. On the double. Let's go, double time.

Okay, I think you should go now.

Not without my candy!
Let me at that bowl!

You know what? Now we're gonna take this back.

No! That's-that's my property!

This isn't over. This... isn't... over!

- (all gasp)
- TINA: Oh, no! att*ck leopards!

- (all whimpering)
- (leopards growling)

- (panting)
- Aah! Get away! Get off me!

There were att*ck leopards?

I don't remember the att*ck leopards.

Shh, shh, shh, shush. You probably just blocked it out.

- (phone ringing)
- Bob's Burgers.

A-a to-go order? Uh, uh, wait. Let me get a pen.

- Where's a pen?
- Uh, pen, pen, pen.

Want me to make one real quick?

I got a bucket of paint in the truck.

Can we have a quick snail conference?

Louise, when I signed on for this costume,

I was hoping to do some major sibling bonding.

- And we will.
- I guess I just thought, once we got inside the snail suit, you'd hopefully change your mind and maybe not want to steal an entire bowl of candy?

Yeah, I don't want bad candy karma.

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup, not stealing.

It's candy justice.

Hey, when someone stiffs one of us, they stiff all of us, right, guys?

- I... guess?
- The Three Stiff-ka-teers.

Don't worry your snail head about this.

We're gonna walk up to their house.

They open the door.
They won't see our faces.

Tina, you'll do all the talking.

Distract them by commenting on their decor.

Maybe something like the line we talked about.

(sighs) "Check out that wall.

"Where'd you get it? Walmart?"

Exactly. Anyway, they'll start blabbering,

I'll open the hatch and grab their candy bowl.

- Justice served.
- Uh...

So I guess we're gonna deliver a burger.

- We do that?
- It's for someone staying at the hotel at the end of the block.

It's so close, I just said "yes."

Also, making money is... is good.

- Right?
- Attaboy, Bob.

- Uh, we can deliver it for you, Dad.
- Really?

Yeah. And it's not at all because

I'm putting off something that I really don't want to do.

No, no, no, no, no. Sorry, Dad.

We're busy. Nice try.

- They might give us a tip.
- Okay, we'll do it.

I mean, who can resist tipping three adorable kids

- with tip-me face.
- And tip-me butt.

- ♪ Put the money in my bum-bum. ♪
- Gene.

Hello?

- Is anyone here?
- TINA: I guess we should wait in the lobby for a hotel person to take the burger?

Or we take it up ourselves to... room .

'Cause we got to hustle. Candy justice awaits.

Candy Justice sounds like a show about a stripper who's also a judge.

(elevator bell dings)

(lights buzzing)

TINA: This isn't creepy at all.

Really? 'Cause I have both the heebies and the jeebies.

(lights buzzing)

WOMAN (chanting): Regnum intrare spiritum.

Regnum intrare spiritum.

I go bye-bye now.

Hey, everyone gets excited about burgers in their own way. Also, tip money.

Burger delivery.

WOMAN: Enter.

Regnum intrare spiritum.

Oh, good. The bait's here.

Uh, bait? Bait for what?

- Come. Come in.
- Are we the bait?

I'm not baiting around to find out.

(all screaming)

(all screaming)

- (Tina panting)
- What the hell that was that?

An elderly hippie demon lady?

Okay, let's just put that behind us.

It was unfortunate, but you know what makes everything better?

- Dry underwear?
- Candy. Let's go. Um, Gene, where's the snail-shell part of the costume?

Uh-oh. I may have dropped it in creepy lady's room because I was scared and so were my hands?

Damn it, Gene. We need that.

That's what covers our faces. Ugh. We got to go back.

Wait. What? Go back into there?

Or we leave the shell part up there, we don't do your plan, and now our costume is a confident snail that's coming out of its shell?

No, we're gonna get the shell, then everything's gonna be fine.

For some of us. Ha-ha-ha. Kidding.

For all of us. Tina, you go first.

- (door closes)

- Hello.
- ALL: Aah!

- Where'd you come from?
- From right down here.

I was bending over. So, are you trick-or-treating?

We don't get a ton of trick-or-treaters, but we got a bunch of sewing kits or shower caps.

- You look like shower-cap kids.
- Thank you.

We were just here delivering a burger to a creepy old lady in room , but one of us dropped part of our costume in there.

Ah, Dolores. (chuckles)

I guess conjuring up the spirit of your dead lover can make you hungry.

Wait. Did you say "Conjuring the spirit"?

"Of her dead lover"?

Yup. Dolores checks into room every Halloween to conjure him up.

Brings in a lot of lookie-loos.

Good for business.

Well, you should see us the rest of the year.

- Hi, kids.
- Oh, hi, Gus.

- They were just asking about Dolores.
- Yup.

Dolores's lover d*ed on Halloween night in room , years ago, so she comes up here every year to conjure up Roger's spirit.

- Aw.
- A Roger conjure.

And a bunch of us hang out in the lobby, take in the vibe, have a few drinks, and hope the ghost shows up.

It's a haunted hoot. And, you know, Dolores would be an age-appropriate match for Old Gus.

Sorry, Gus. We're on the clock.

So, can we mm...?

Uh...

Totally normal lady, it's us again.

May I just grab that snail shell? Don't hurt me.

Good luck on conjuring the spirit

- of your dead lover.
- Thank you.

Does it work, by the way? I'm just curious.

It hasn't worked yet, but hopefully, by adding his favorite food as bait...

This cheeseburger... I can finally lure him here.

Well, we're rooting for you two.

And when he shows up,

I'll banish him to hell for all eternity.

- Huh?
- What? - Whoa.

Oh, crap. I hope Roger didn't hear that.

Well, that sounds fun, but we got to snail-trail out of here.

Or maybe we can stay a little bit.

I just want to catch some dark arts,

- hear the damnation download.
- Ugh.

Okay, a minute.

It's so great you're coming with us, Bob.

I'm walking with you.

I'm gonna look at the van because Teddy said he wouldn't leave unless I look at the van.

Trust me, once you see what they did to it, you'll change your mind about donating blood.

- TEDDY: Huh?
- LINDA: Fun.

(as Dracula): Welcome to Transyl-vein-ya.

- Get it?
- (as Dracula): Soon, we will drain you of one pint of your human blood.

Then you can relax here and enjoy cookies and juice.

(sighs) Oh, boy.

Uh, okay, I saw it. Now I'm leaving.

(coughs) O negative.

- What?
- (coughs) O negative. Mm-hmm.

O neg? Really? Uh...

(as Dracula): Well, well, well.

(as Dracula): It's not every day we get to suck a universal blood donor's blood.

Wait, I-I'm not donating blood.

(normal voice): Huh, seriously? You're O neg, but you're not gonna donate?

Sorry, guys, I just have a thing about blood and needles.

You'll be fine. We work with needle weenies all the time.

Uh, I-I don't love that term.

Hey, just think of how happy you could make someone.

(in childish voice): Hey, mister, you saved my life, and now I'm gonna go out and save the rain forest.

You're doing a lot of voices.

Oh, no. I'm slipping away.

Beep. Beep. Beep...

- He's dying.
- Somebody do something!

Fine. I'll donate my really great blood.

- Yay.
- You just saved the boy who's gonna save the rain forest.

What's the "rain forest"?

LOUISE: So what did Roger do to deserve eternal damnation?

Did he eat the last slice of pizza?

Oh, it was a long time ago.

- We were young, we were dating.
- I hate him.

We were edgy back then.

We were even gonna try this new thing called "Thai food," but we had to leave 'cause Roger came down with a cold.

Even coughing and sneezing, he was a handsome bastard.

- Hot. I think?
- But our last date was at the Halloween party in this hotel,

years ago.

Roger looked amazing as Spartacus.

It seemed like we were in our own little world.

He was tossing nuts into the air and catching them in his mouth

- to impress me.
- GENE: I'm impressed.

I was, too. How do people do that?

Roger went to get us drinks, and he never came back.

- What?
- I asked around, if anyone's seen Spartacus.

People kept saying, "I am Spartacus," but I hadn't seen the movie, so I didn't know what they were referring to.

Finally, someone told me that they saw him at the elevator with I Dream of Jeannie.

I couldn't believe it.

I was devastated.

The next day, I read in the paper that he'd d*ed in this very room.

He was m*rder*d?

No, it was cardiac arrest.

There was no sign of foul play, but I bet there was some foreplay, the creep.

They canoodled, she left, and then he d*ed.

Typical man.

And so, every year since,

I've come here to conjure that no-good, cheating S.O.B.'s spirit and send it to hell!

I mean, wasn't him dying kind of enough of a punishment?

Hell just seems like kind of a lot.

And so sweaty.

Tina, let her have it. I get it.

I got my own little vendetta going on tonight.

Can't you both just move on?

Halloween's about forgiveness... I think.

Forgiveness and Frankenstein... the two Fs.

Yeah, so maybe forgive this guy who wrote you what looks like , love letters.

- (scoffs)
- "Dear Glorious Dolores,

"I was thinking of you today, and it made me think of you...

"your smell, your neck parts, the way your eyes light up when I smell your neck parts."

Dolores, this doesn't sound like a cheater wrote it.

A cheater did write it.

But what if what you think happened didn't happen?

What if there's another explanation?

Okay, Miss I Just Walked in Here with a Burger and Now I Know Everything."

Yeah, knock it off, Stally Parton.

We've got to go see a Ven about a Detta.

- (groans) I don't want to vendetta.
- And I don't think Dolores should vendetta, either. I mean,

- isn't it possible Roger is innocent?
- No.

- But maybe?
- No!

But what if there was a way to figure out that he didn't cheat?

There's not, so drop it.

Yeah, Tina, drop it so we can go pick-up some stinkin' candy!

Wait, how about this?

Give me a chance... It's still early.

If I can't figure it out, I'll go do your plan.

Sounds good. I like that.

But if I can, then we go trick-or-treating like normal.

No vendettas, just candy.

Ooh, I like that.

So what do you say?

I say you're on, you poor romantic idiot.

Oh, my! This one's not rated PG- .

- Give me that.
- (chuckles): Oh.

WOMAN (gasps): I just got cold, right?

Is it cold in here? Ghost-y cold?

Could be ghost-y cold.

Ah, this is gonna be the year.

I bought this camera online.

It can take pictures of apparitions.

- And Jupiter. Jupiter's my cat.
- Okay. So, it's not great that Dolores kicked us out of her room to keep conjuring.

But at least she let us keep some letters and photos.

- Hot leads here, I betcha.
- Come on, Tina.

Give up, and let's go get that bowl of candy while there's still candy in it.

No. I'm gonna prove Roger's not a cheater, and then we're gonna trick-or-treat without committing any candy crimes.

Okay. So, here's a group photo.

Halloween night, years ago.

And there's I Dream of Jeannie, the temptress.

But who was she?

GENE She's tall, likes big, boxy belt buckles,

- BBBBs.
- Yeah, what's up with that boxy belt buckle?

It's not very genie-ish.

Kinda just looks like the belt buckle of someone

- who steals someone's boyfriend.
- (door opens)

Did I miss anything? Any sightings? Any cold spots?

I felt a cold spot.
Didn't I just say that?

I think I just said that.

I think you might just be under-dressed?

You guys seem a little young to be conjuring enthusiasts.

Oh, no, some of us are trying to prove that Dolores's theory about Roger is wrong.

Wait a minute, you think Roger wasn't a cheating cheat-face cheater?

I know. It's ridiculous.

It's not ridiculous, and I'm gonna prove it, if I can just concentrate for a second.

Uh, but, uh, can that wait until after she conjures Roger?

I kinda told everyone at work that I was gonna take a picture of a ghost.

- (whimpering)
- Okay. We're all set.

Now it's time for... Hey!

That's an amazing Big Bird costume.

(squeals)

- You felt that?
- Yes!

But I distracted you.

My arm still feels it when you shove a needle in it!

(sighs): Oh, boy.

- Uh, what?
- (groans)

Looks like I didn't find a vein.

- I'm gonna have to try it again.
- (weakly): What?

Hey, uh, look at that, uh, Star Wars costume.

- Space, am I right?
- (squeals)

- Did you get it?
- No, nope, nope. Not in.

Your veins roll away from the needle.

(woozy gurgling)

It's like your veins are playing hard to get, Bob.

Not like mine.

The needle slid right into my beefy vein.

- (gurgling)
- (groans)

Let's try the other arm.

Okay, really make a fist this time.

Hey! Oh, look. There!

- (squeals)
- (groans) Damn it.

You said you were very good with needle weenies.

You're the worst weenie I've ever had.

This is ridiculous.

It's Halloween, and all I've got is this bowl of nuts.

(chewing)

Uh, I-I feel totally close to a-a breakthrough.

(chewing) Well, now I'm thirsty.

Do you think the barkeep knows his way around a ginger ale?

Wait, Roger went to get drinks after he was eating nuts.

(gasps dramatically) Oh, my God, Tina.

You mean salty peanuts made someone thirsty?

Are we on CSI: Salty Nut Unit?

Dumb investigation time is over.

It's candy bowl o'clock.

- Let's go.
- No, I'm so close.

I just need to look at that dang group photo again.

- The photo, the letters... they're gone!
- (gasping)

Okay, that is odd.

What the heck?

Now I really need a ginger ale.

Antonio, make it a double!

So, someone took my photo?

And Roger's letters? Why?

Maybe it was Ken Burns.

He loves old photos and letters.

Guess what, people, you mess with the snail head, you mess with the snail tail.

And now the snail tail wants some answers.

Thanks, Louise. Maybe someone didn't want us to find out the truth, didn't want Dolores to stop coming around.

Yeah, maybe someone who wanted Dolores to keep trying to conjure up Roger so they could say they saw a ghost and take

- a picture.
- Huh?

- Or was it you, Gus?
- Oh, my!

Maybe you don't want Dolores to stop coming in here

'cause maybe you have a little crush.

What? Oh, I'm-I'm blushing.

But I didn't take anything.

Maybe it was that guy.

What? I'm on my way to a party.

I only came in to use the little bees' room.

I did. It went great.

I'm glad those aren't real bees.

'Cause if I got stung, I'd "bee" in the hospital.

With anaphylactic shock. (chuckles)

I'm seriously allergic.

And bathrooms are for customers only.

- Next time. Can't undo it.
- Wait a minute.

Maybe it was you, Mr. Manager.

- (yelps)
- You get more business if Dolores keeps coming here year after year.

(gasps) That's true.

- Of course.
- It wasn't me.

Sure, Dolores brings a Halloween bump in business, but that doesn't mean I'd mess with your totally not annoying investigation to keep people coming here.

Aah! Well, no one leaves until we figure this out.

- I'm leaving.
- Oh, yeah, you can go.

- (laughing)
- (music playing)

♪ Nothing having to do with blood is happening ♪

♪ I'm just sittin' in a chair ♪

♪ And I'm not lookin' at anything at all. ♪

(woozy): Oh, no.

(exhales) What happened?

Oh, oh... (gurgles)

(grunts) I-I got to be done by now.

Hello? I-I-I think I'm all done!

Hey, I need someone to take this needle out of my arm!

(laughing)

It's getting too full.

It's gonna take all my blood.

(panting): Oh, God.

I got to get out of here.

Okay, I'm just gonna rip this out of my arm.

No! No, I'm not.

I got to get help. Mm...

(gasps) Okay, okay.

Ev-Everything's coming with me.

(inhales, exhales) I can do this.

(inhales deeply, exhales)

(gurgling, grunting)

Almost there. (grunts)

Oh, come on. (grunting, gurgling)

(screams)

(gurgles)

Okay, let's run through what happened.

Roger caught peanuts in his mouth, which is very cool.

- And sexy.
- It's okay.

He then leaves you to go get drinks.

The next thing we know, he's seen by the elevator with I Dream of Jeannie?

And in the morning, he's found dead of cardiac arrest.

Huh. Peanuts.

Drinks. Cardiac arrest.

I still think the bee guy did it.

- (gasps) That's it!
- I'm right?!

- No!
- (grumbles)

Anaphylactic shock!

He's allergic to bees.

Roger was allergic to peanuts!

Think about it. Their date at the Thai restaurant.

He came down with a sudden cold?

Thai food is super peanut-y.

And the night he d*ed, he was eating nuts.

But he d*ed of a heart att*ck.

Well, maybe an allergic reaction can cause that?

It can. Oh, baby, it can.

If he was allergic, why was he catching all those peanuts in his mouth?

Really showboating, getting me all worked up.

Well, he probably didn't realize it.

Allergies can come on later in life.

When I was in my s, I was all about bees.

I used to catch 'em and shake 'em.

But that still doesn't explain why Roger went upstairs with I Dream of Jeannie.

Which is why I want to look at the group photo that someone stole.

- And that someone is Dolores!
- (gasping)

But, but how did you know?

It was a hunch.

And then I saw the photo sticking out of the back of your pants.

Oh. You can see this?

Wait, you took the photo and the letters?

Yes. And it's my own damn business why I did it.

TINA: I Dream of Jeannie.

She's the final piece. Who was she?

Or, possibly, who was "he"?

- Huh?
- Look.

That's an Adam's apple that we didn't notice 'cause someone stole the photo.

And knuckle hair that looks like shag carpet.

And why's he wearing a pager?

(gasps) That thing's a pager?

GUS: Yeah. That's how pagers looked back then.

I had one when I owned this town.

This was all my turf.

I was untouchable.

They called me Payday. I...

I mean, when I was a-a bike messenger.

I bet I Dream of Jeannie was a doctor.

They used to have male doctors.

And I bet he was helping Roger, because Roger was having an allergic reaction.

Tina, I think your stupid story might be right.

Roger ate some peanuts, started getting symptoms.

TINA: He goes to the bar.
He's sweaty, woozy.

And Dr. Jeannie-Man notices and says maybe he needs to lie down, so...

LOUISE: He helps Roger to the elevator so he can go to his room and get some rest.

Maybe they didn't know about peanut allergies.

Male doctors probably weren't that good back then.

My poor Roger.

He didn't cheat on me.

At least he d*ed doing what he loved, eating peanuts in a hotel lobby.

(laughs) You full-bottom-ists.

- You're a hoot!
- It's "phlebotomist."

- What did I say?
- Well, uh,

Bob should be about finished.

Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no, no.

What? What-what is it?

- (woozy groaning)
- Oh, crap.

Here, let me, uh, clean you up a little bit.

And I'll give you extra cookies if you don't tell anybody about this.

- (weakly): Huh. Okay.
- That's fair.

Congratulations, Bob.

You donated blood one time.

Come on, let's hear it for Bob!

- Everybody!
- (mouth full): I did it.

- Yes, you did.
- I can do anything.

I saved your life! I saved your life!

I-I got to sit down.

So why did you take the photo and the letters, Dolores?

Oh, I was having a cocktail at the bar.

I needed a little conjuring break.

And I overheard you talking and I suddenly thought,

"What if this was all just a huge waste of time?

What if she's right?"

And she was. About you.
And maybe about me, too.

I feel like a fool.

Makes sense. Sorry.

Roger, I'm so sorry.

I mean, it's sorta romantic.

In your own twisted way, you loved Roger so much that you kept this thing going for years.

A-And just to put this out there, Gus might still be in the lobby.

- Not a bad rebound guy.
- Hmm.

I'd like to see that guy catch a nut.

- (wind hissing)
- Oh, now you decide to come, Roger?

- Whoa.
- Someone's jealous.

So I guess this means I lose our bet and we won't do my amazing plan?

Yep. Just treats, no tricks.

- Let's get out there, huh?
- Sure, sure, sure.

But what if we go to that house, we totally just get candy normally, and we open the fart hatch and Gene does a little fart?

- Nope.
- Okay, so I just fart inside the snail and we all die like Roger?

Too soon. Actually, no, it's not.

♪ I went on down to the party next door ♪

♪ The music sounded groovy, and I wanted more ♪

♪ Then, at the end, that's when things got weird ♪

♪ 'Cause everyone there had been dead for years ♪

- ♪ It was a spooky soiree ♪
- ♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ Those ghouls could shimmy and shake ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ It was a spooky soiree ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ They're dancin' back from the grave ♪

♪ La, la, la, la ♪

♪ That guy's dead and that guy's dead ♪

♪ That lady d*ed peacefully in bed ♪

♪ That guy doin' the boogaloo ♪

♪ Pretty darn sure that he's dead, too. ♪