04x10 - Listen to the Roosters

[bunniefuu]

[LAUGHTER]

How did you come to write The Feminine Mystique?

I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't have an orgasm waxing the kitchen floor.

[LAUGHING] [AUDIENCE CLAPS]

SAM: Okay, and, uh, tell us your story.

The first time I got my period, I was watching A Clockwork Orange with my brother and his friends.

Ugh, opening night of my first show in high school.

14 years old.

I think I was 13. Fourteen.

January 13, 1976-- first day I bled.

Shame. My mom never spoke to me about it.

"Menu-strating." And I'm like, "Mena-what?"

It makes you feel alive, and it makes you feel young.

"We're going to red China. Do you need a bomber?"

"No, I need a flat ship."

I'm gonna be, like, 75 with my best friends that I've known for, like, 45 years going, "Oh, does anyone have a tampon?"

And they're just gonna roll their eyes.

But I really wasn't too... too sure what was happening, but yeah, specifically, Clockwork Orange is vivid in my memory.

It sucks to have a period, it sucks to have a baby, it sucks to have menopause.

If I could go back and do it again, I think I would've been a boy.

[♪♪♪]

[FIREWORKS POPPING]

[CROWD CLAMORING, GASPING] Whoa! [LAUGHS]

[CHEERING]

SAM: Let's get up.

Get up. Get up. Okay.

Keep going, keep going. Hold hands.

Yes! We made it out!

Yes. We made it out, we made it out.

b*at the crowd. b*at the crowd. b*at the crowd.

No, no, no. Oh, God.

Mom, can I get another hot dog?

Guess not. Everything's closed.

Shitfire.

Nice mouth.

Okay. This fun?

Mom, I'm not getting... What? Oh.

Mom, look at me. Okay.

I'm not getting onto an elevator like sardines.

I can't. No. No, no, no.

Too claustro.

I'm not... I'm not kidding. Damn it! Come on.

Wait. Be careful.

Oof.

Hug the wall.

Duke! Stay together.

Ow.

[CHEERING, WHOOPING, CLAPPING]

I have to go to the bathroom.

Oh, Jesus.

You good? Jesus, did you have, like, ten beers?

God.

Good job.

All right.

Pull your pants up. Let's go.

Come on. Come-come on.

[♪♪♪]

[SIGHS]

You know what, come here.

Hi. Hi. Hi. Excuse me.

What's the holdup?

We can't seem to get out of here. [CHUCKLES]

Well, the president's downtown, so, traffic's backed for miles.

This could be hours before it clears.

Oh. Awesome.

I know who you are. Mm.

You're the lady from Communion Corporation.

Oh, actually, no, that's not me. That's Constance Zimmer.

Yeah? Another actor. Yeah.

I'm sorry. I mean, she's great.

Yeah, she's great. She was in Sole de la Luna.

And she was the voice of the dog in Penis Envy.

Thanks, Murray. I knew I knew you from something.

God, you were so good in that. Hmm.

¿Hablas español, sí? Sí, un poquito.

Que bueno. [CHUCKLES]

Can we take a picture, you know, for my wife?

Oh. Oh. Oh, of course. I'll take it.

Okay...

[SHUTTER CLICKING]

Okay. Thank you.

GUARD: Damn. Your mom is so funny.

You're lucky. Mm.

You must laugh all the time.

[MURRAY GIGGLES] SAM: Well, he does

'cause I'm not his mom.

Hmm. She hates me.

Cool. You know, I'm done for the night.

I can get you guys out of here and take you to the train station.

Oh, um... that's, um...

Yeah. I understand.

At least let me walk you out of here.

I can get you to a better place to catch a cab.

Okay.

That'd be good. Thank you.

[QUIETLY] What are doing? We don't know... It's fine. Come on.

We got to get out of here. [SPUTTERS]

Mom, how much further?

My feet hurt. I'm hungry.

It's just up there.

I don't mind the walk.

[CHUCKLES] I'm kind of used to it now.

It's 'cause they don't give the staff parking spots, so we got to find parking where we can.

Then the club just pays for our tickets.

[ROOSTER CROWING] [HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

Listen to the roosters.

Yeah.

[SIGHS]

That's the one they put here this morning, and, uh, this is a new one.

So, you guys want a ride out of here or...

Yeah, um... just go.

Murray, go.

Duke, take him over to the side of the...

Yeah, do you...?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Do you mind if we call your wife really quickly?

No offense. I just, you know...

Por supuesto.

Okay, thank you.

[HONKING]

FORTUNATO: Hola, mi amor.

¿Mi amor? Estupido.

Come on, coño. Mi amor, bullshit.

Hey. Hey, you're working late tonight.

Oh, hey. Hi.

Oh. Oh, didn't know you had company.

Anything else going on this weekend?

Trabajo, trabajo, trabajo.

Eso. Good guy. Good guy.

Well, get these kids home safe.

Bye, kiddos. All right. [TAPS ON CAR]

Have a good night. Adios.

WOMAN: Bye-bye. One out!

SAM: Whoa. Isn't this crazy, guys?

We got, like, a police escort.

We got the moves like Jagger.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

♪ Your hands keep turning lighter shades of white ♪

♪ The color of the temperature ♪

♪ That's dropping every night ♪

♪ And skin keeps turning different shades of red ♪

♪ The colors of the other voice ♪

♪ That's swimming in your head... ♪ Where's your dad at?

Oh. Uh, he's not around.

I don't have a dad.

He's not my brother.

I get it.

Next time... marry a Mexican.

We tend to stick around.

♪ Make yourself at home again... ♪

Órale.

♪ Your body will be whole again ♪

♪ Your body will be whole again ♪

♪ Make yourself at home again ♪

♪ Count your blessings, one to ten. ♪ Well, this was incredibly kind.

[LAUGHS] And fun. - Right?

DUKE: Yeah. MURRAY: Yeah.

Thank you so much.

No. No, no, no. That's for you. Yes.

Yes, yes, yes. I insist.

Pay off one of those parking tickets.

El gusto es mio. Thank you.

[LAUGHS] Thanks, Fortunato.

Thanks, Fort. Be cool, kid.

Bye! Bye!

SAM: We're gonna get food soon.

I know that, dude. We're gonna get food very soon. Don't worry.

Here you go, love. Thank you.

Hi. WOMAN: Hi there.

I love your coat.

Mm. I love your youth. [CHUCKLES]

So you just cruise around L.A. all day and make people food in this?

Yup. Damn.

This is the perfect job for me.

Yeah, I love it.

I've worked in kitchens all my life, but there's nothing better than taking great food on the road.

Mmm. This is so good. [LAUGHS]

It's my mom's recipe.

Your mom's? I love it.

WOMAN: Well, you seem very smart.

And like you know about a lot of things. Do you?

Yeah.

I can see the future.

Really?

Is there gonna be a future?

Mm-hmm. I never want to get married or have kids.

Do I?

Get married and have kids?

Well, I never did, and I had a really good life.

I've known many good men.

They gave me music, love, oh, danger... ideas, adventures.

It shaped me.

But at the end of a day, I prefer being alone.

Being alone and being able to feel good with yourself-- that's the ticket.

You're beautiful.

I-I...

I mean, I-I love your hair and your face and-and your clothes. [LAUGHS]

And... [SNIFFS] and you smell so good. [LAUGHS]

Oh, goodness, well, you...

You make me feel very special.

[BOTH LAUGH SOFTLY]

Well, you know what they say.

One compliment from a woman is worth a thousand compliments from a man.

Yeah.

You know what my mom says about men?

No. What's that?

Someone else's problem. [LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] SAM: Duker!

Is that your mom?

Car's here. DUKE: Coming, Mom.

WOMAN: You're not so bad yourself. Well, it was really nice to meet...

SAM: Duke!

Thank you so much. CHEF: You're so welcome.

Here, baby.

Okay.

Thank you, Adall.

Bye, Sam. See ya later.

Come on, guys.

DUKE: How do you... Wait, how do you know it's human? Don't look, don't look.

Well, where are people supposed to poop in L.A.? It could be... Wait, how do you know it's human? I mean, if you're homeless and...

Hi. For?

Sam Fox?

That's us!

I have two rules for riding in my car.

Oh, totally.

We're gonna throw the drinks away. Oh.

Uh-uh.

One: you have to smile.

Two: you have to sing. [LOCK CHIRPS]

[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING] [SAM CHUCKLES]

[GASPS] WOMAN: Let's sing!

Oh, my God. [LAUGHING] Oh, my God.

Yes! DRIVER: Okay, now we're gonna have fun. Oh, my God! [LAUGHING] Yes.

DRIVER: Everybody in? Oh, my... This... Mom, did you do this on purpose?

I didn't have anything to do with it.

This is for you.

MAN: Let's sing. Thank you.

One for you. Fun!

Wow. DRIVER: I'm gonna get the moods going.

Where's mine? Yeah! DUKE: Oh, my... No!

SAM: Is this cool, Murray? Yes. [WHOOPS]

What's your name?

My name is Eliyas.

Eliyas! DUKE: Eliyas!

ELIYAS: Yay! Hooray! [WHOOPS]

♪ Mother told me ♪

♪ Yes, she told me ♪

♪ I'd meet girls like you ♪

♪ She also told me ♪

♪ "Stay away, you'll never know ♪

♪ What you'll catch" ♪

[MURRAY LAUGHS]

♪ Mommy's all right ♪

♪ Daddy's all right ♪

♪ They just seem a little weird ♪

♪ Surrender ♪

♪ Surrender, but don't... ♪

[♪♪♪]

♪ Stand close ♪

♪ I will protect you ♪

♪ Through smoke when ♪

♪ The fire is near... ♪

[♪♪♪]

[DUKE LAUGHS]

♪ Mommy's all right... ♪

[♪♪♪]

[ELIYAS LAUGHS]

Are you having fun?

[♪♪♪]

♪ Ocean of your love... ♪ Yeah! Yeah, Murray!

♪ Stand close ♪

♪ Let me carry your burdens ♪

♪ Stand close ♪

♪ Through the darkness of night ♪

♪ Stand close ♪

♪ I'll take all of your hurting ♪

♪ Stand close ♪

♪ You know I'll be your light. ♪

WOMAN: Should I start? Okay. SAM: Yeah, um, we're almost set.

Uh, do I-do I just start talking?

SAM: What was it like first getting your period and then last getting your period? Mmm. [LAUGHS]

SAM: Your thoughts about be-being attractive, how you feel the world sees you.

Oh, my...

I'm at the end of my womanhood, and I'm having the greatest sexual love affair of my life.

That's probably the only good thing about menopause is the sex afterwards is amazing.

I'm a horny gal.

I'm a horny 62-year-old.

[CHUCKLES] It was like a m*ssile went up my vag*na.

It was so painful.

I think it's the greatest thing in the world to not have a period.

I'll get it every other three weeks, then I won't get it for three months.

I never had vag*na upkeep before.

[LAUGHS] This is new.

I'm 65. Uh, I'm in a relationship for the first time, really, in my life.

Uh, he loves me a lot.

Tells me I'm beautiful all the time, and I'm not really comfortable with that.

[LAUGHS]

It's not good.

It's not good. None of it's good.

I sweat. I'm grumpy.

It's an inferno coming from deep inside of you.

Putting it on, taking it off, putting it on.

I am comfortable with myself from the ankles down.

I have really good ankles.

I always have this image of what's normal for me, and when I look into the mirror now... it's not who I am.

Honestly, I have always-- in every fairy tale, in every childhood movie--

I've always been drawn to the crone or the witch, and I've always found them the most interesting.

They have interesting faces.

And I remember, distinctly, being at a bar, and no one looked at me. No one noticed me.

It was literally like I was Casper the ghost, just looking through me.

I peaked a little too early, I think.

He was advocating that because I was older, I was hard up for action and would welcome being sexually assaulted on the street.

And that was the first time that I realized I was no longer the cute girl at work.

And then I'm like, "Oh, so I should feel bad about not being abused on the subway?"

That's super twisted.

On the other hand... it feels weird.

And I feel like I'm becoming more beautiful because I'm becoming more myself.

That's how I feel.

[CLEARS THROAT]

I got my period when I was 12 years old.

I actually felt like it was a cool thing, like my body had this ability to do something incredible.

Like I was a part of something bigger than just myself.

I was now considered a woman.

But what I didn't realize then was that to be a woman in the world is to be built up and then let down.

They'd cut us or sell us or marry us off.

You're primed, and you're prepped and abused and adored and harassed and worshipped, and then... it all stops.

All of it.

We even age out of the bad things, like being fetishized or diminished or talked down to.

It's even worse.

You're invisible, and you're literally left hunched over and alone with Santa's belly and a beard to boot walking around, shrinking, thinking, "What just happened?"

[LAUGHS]

You retreat.

You're shamed. You're unseen.

No one has prepared you for it, and no one ever tells women this is gonna happen.

Our prize in the goody bag after everyone has had their fill of us is shingles, thin bones, whiskers and bunions.

You're not viable.

But if you have daughters, you feel it even more, because the world wants them now.

Then... menopause.

It's the grossest thing in the world.

Nobody wants to hear about it, which is why nobody ever prepared you for it.

You're a lady.

You're supposed to be pretty and attractive.

Even the Dalai Lama was like, "Eh, it's not great if a woman is... ugh."

I mean, even for the Dalai Lama, you got to be cute.

[ALL LAUGH]

"Yes.

"Inner beauty is most important.

But still, attractive."

I mean, even the f*cking Dalai Lama let us down.

Why don't we all say this to each other?

Women have to say this to each other.

Women are afraid to talk to each other.

Women should be brothers to each other.

We have to be brothers to each other.

I've got chills.

My mind is blown open.

Sam Fox reporting from the front lines of being a woman.

Period. Menopause.

Sam Fox!

[APPLAUSE]

Brilliant. Oh, my God. That's it for our show.

I'm gonna go home... I'm so f*cking proud of you.

Really? - Yeah. FRANKIE: Oh, my God.

Mom, that was really, really good.

So funny with the, like... um, what's it called?

Like, witness protection face voice.

[CHUCKLES] SAM: Yes.

Damn, Mom.

You have balls.

Well... [CHUCKLING]

Eggs. Eggs. She got eggs.

Does she, though? FRANKIE: No, she don't got no eggs no more. [SAM LAUGHS]

[RICH LAUGHS] Word.

MAX: Like, I don't know, it was just, like, powerful how you said it and...

Thank you. MAX: Yeah.

I didn't know that's, like, how you felt.

Well, you know. RICH: I like the Dalai Lama bit.

That was hilarious. MAX: Yeah, that was so good.

FRANKIE: That was really good. SAM: Right? - The Dalai Lama.

[ALL LAUGH] Yeah.

He should get, uh, reincarnated as an elderly lady.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Like, in a tenement flat. Yeah.

With long, hangy tits.

Uh-huh. Perfect. DUKE: Oh, my God.

When he just looks in the mirror and, "Aah!" And it...

It's like Freaky Friday. [ALL LAUGHING]

FRANKIE: Yeah. Like, "No!"

[♪♪♪]

We'll see... Oh, yeah.

♪ Feels like something's ♪

♪ Changing ♪

♪ Feels like something's ♪

♪ Changing ♪

♪ Feels like something's ♪

♪ Changing ♪

♪ Feels like something's ♪

♪ Changing ♪

Um...

I'm very sorry.

I feel terrible.

Why do you feel terrible?

I feel like we're burying the hatchet.

[GROANS] I don't know how to tell you this, but the girls aren't here.

All of them?

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING] No!

SAM: This isn't a trick, I swear to God.

They all said they were gonna be here.

I don't know what happened.

[SCOFFS]

No! [SHRIEKS]

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS] Run!

SAM: Do you... want to come in?

Let me put it this way.

I would like it if you still stayed.

I cooked.

Mm...

Hey, man.

Hi.

Sucks that the girls aren't here.

Come in.

Let's smoke the peace pipe.

Yeah, why not?

RICH: Okay.

SAM: Okay.

[DOOR OPENS] PHYLLIS: Hello!

RICH: Oh. Hoo roo.

SAM: Oh, hi, Mom. PHYLLIS: Well, hello.

Hello, Phil. [CHUCKLING]

Hello, darling. How you feeling?

Knock wood.

Let me pour you a drink. Mm.

Hello, I'm Phyllis.

Phyllis, it's Xander.

Oh.

I hadn't realized.

I just saw you at Frankie's event.

What are you here for?

Um, I invited him for dinner.

Oh, really?

Where are the girls?

Have they eaten already?

They're... not here.

I actually don't know where they are.

Ooh, isn't this a dry rub?

So you came for dinner and the girls were to be here.

Touch of one's own medicine.

Quite, isn't it?

Well, that's being a sport and not having sour grapes.

This calls for some schnapps.

I'll pop over to my house and get a bottle of slivovitz.

Way to buck up, old man.

Got to deal with the consequences, haven't we just?

Won't be long. [CHUCKLES QUIETLY]

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

And... let's have some more wine. Yes, please, okay.

Any top offs? SAM: Yes.

Phyllis is looking great.

Is that what you got out of that?

Salud. - Salud. Salud.

[BRITISH ACCENT] Yes, way to buck up, old man.

Bit of a dry rub.

[LAUGHS] I mean, come on...

Xander, seriously, I mean, what is it that you do, exactly?

What is it I do?

And what is it you do? Weren't you supposed to be importing liquid sugar from Japan?

Wasn't that one of your things?

Or was it wood pulp and raw copper from Chile?

How'd that work out for you?

[LAUGHS]

What about you?

Weren't you writing a book or something?

Shouldn't you have, like, four published novels by now?

What are you, J.D. Salinger?

Are you sitting on seven unseen works?

Yeah, uh... I'm gonna, uh, self-publish on Amazon.

I'm getting to it, but... you know I have an actual day job, right?

Yeah. But is it your passion?

Is it my what?

Is it my passion?

Yeah, yeah.

Does it make you smile when you do it?

Does it make you love your life?

[CHUCKLES]

Hmm.

Hmm, well... it's really been, uh... something. Yeah, well, Thank you for your hospitality. don't...

Don't be a stranger.

Yeah, I'll try not to be.

By that, I mean you're gonna try to see the girls before you leave again, right?

I mean, this was, obviously, a test.

Hopefully.

Oh. Yeah.

[SAM CLEARS HER THROAT]

Sam, can I speak to you for a moment, please?

Oh. Uh...

Yeah. Okay... yeah.

Step into my... office.

Um... this is awkward.

Yes?

Uh, do you have that... payment for me?

Oh.

Oh, uh, yeah.

I didn't...

I didn't realize we were still...

I have it. I didn't think we were still doing that.

[SCOFFS] I mean, it's my right and what the law affords me.

Mm-hmm. XANDER: We'll amicably separate, right?

Yes.

No lawyers. Right? The mediator thing. Yeah. I mean...

Mediators are here, the lawyers... But we-we could do it online. Yeah.

Be kind and honest.

That's what we'll be.

Actually... [CLEARS THROAT] I have it right here.

I won't... miss handing these over to you.

Last one. [CHUCKLES] Well... you didn't have to do it all in one payment.

[SIGHS] No, I had to.

I need to. I have to... be done with this.

I can't do it anymore.

I actually took out a loan.

I would rather owe the bank, frankly.

No offense.

[GRUNTS, SIGHS]

[SMACKS LIPS]

And...

I'm forgiving you.

Not for you.

For me.

For my life.

And for my future mental and physical health.

And for my daughters.

Our daughters.

Yes.

♪ Feels like something's... ♪ Ooh. So... welcome to the...

This House Is Clean Slate Club.

♪ Feels like something's ♪

♪ Changing... ♪ Thank you.

Thank you for tonight.

Good night.

XANDER: Good night.

[GROANS]

Ooh...

Where are you?

RICH: Come to Papa. [LAUGHS]: Oh.

Oh, you were right there? Yeah.

I love that.

Come here, baby. Yes! Mm.

[♪♪♪] [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Ah, there you are.

Hi. Hi.

Hello, darlings. You all right?

Eh.

Yeah.

PHYLLIS: Good.

Now, it was just so quiet.

Are the girls back yet?

Mm-mmm. Nope. But they texted me. They went to the beach.

PHYLLIS: Oh... very good!

Out to the seas.

The answers are in the water.

It's where we come from and where we always need to go back to.

Anyway, will one of you please untether me, 'cause I'm going for a swim.

Mom! God, no! What?

SAM: Ugh!

PHYLLIS: Oh.

Mmm.

I'll do it myself.

PHYLLIS: Hoo roo! Hoo roo.

[CHUCKLES] Jesus.

What?

Again, what?

You want to go swimming?

[♪♪♪]

[LAUGHING]

♪ Nightswimming ♪

♪ Deserves a quiet night ♪

♪ The photograph on the dashboard ♪

♪ Taken years ago ♪

♪ Turned around backwards ♪

♪ So the windshield shows ♪

♪ Every streetlight ♪

♪ Reveals the picture ♪

♪ In reverse ♪

♪ Still, it's so much clearer ♪

♪ I forgot my shirt ♪

♪ At the water's edge ♪

[CLEARS THROAT SOFTLY]

I, uh, tried to deposit this in the ATM, but it wouldn't accept it.

[TELLER LAUGHS]

Oh, this is funny.

[♪♪♪]

♪ Nightswimming ♪

♪ Deserves a quiet night ♪

♪ I'm not sure all these people ♪

♪ Understand ♪ [PHYLLIS LAUGHS]

♪ It's not like years ago ♪

♪ The fear of getting caught ♪

♪ Of recklessness ♪

♪ And water ♪

♪ They cannot see me naked ♪

♪ These things ♪

♪ They go away ♪

♪ Replaced by every day ♪

♪ Nightswimming ♪

♪ Remembering that night ♪

♪ September's coming soon. ♪

GUILLERMO: The journey was perilous, but Nandor the Relentless stood tall and proud.

Thus, the noble vampire set sail to conquer the new world for the greater glory of the undead.

Does my hair really look that billowy? [WIND BLOWS]

Looks fantastic.

I'd never wear anything like that.

[RETCHING]

[GAGGING, COUGHING]

[SQUEAKS]

MAN: We have 15 minutes and you have some cool stuff to show us.

[BEEPS] [LAUGHS] Oh, yeah.

I want you to join Devs.

WOMAN: What is Devs?

It's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen.

MAN: I had no idea what I would find when I went searching for my father.

They flashed the Zodiac k*ller, and my heart stopped.

WOMAN: He believes he is the son of the Zodiac.