03x13 - Video Game Release

[bunniefuu]

"Barbarian's Gate 3" is being released today, so I need everybody on their A-game, as this store is going to be packed with video game nerds.

And we don't want to risk a trampling.

Well, we're never going to totally prevent tramplings.

Oh, no, obviously we're never going to have zero tramplings, but we can have fewer tramplings.

Um, can I set one of the video games aside before we sell out?

Amy, employees can't reserve merchandise, you know this.

You're into video games?

After a long day of work, It's nice to have a glass of wine and reach into a stable boy's chest and pull out his still-b*ating heart.

( laughs )

Feed the birds.

I just don't get how murdering people is considered fun.

I mean, what happened to all those innocent games?

You know, like "Frogger," and "Qbert," and "Donkey Kong."

Innocent? "Qbert" is about a big-nosed, creepily little freak that commits su1c1de when things get hard.

"Frogger" is basically a frog Holocaust.

I remember a glitch in the original "Donkey Kong" where it looks like the ape has a pen1s.

Sometimes when I'm playing "The Sims," I give myself a family.

Jesus Christ.

( upbeat music )

( indistinct chatter )

The nerd smell is overwhelming.

It's like a potent blend of BO, pizza rolls, and misogyny.

Hey, Dina, so I know that employees aren't supposed to set aside merch, but I was just wondering if maybe you'd want to make an exception for your best friend?

My old best friend is currently in prison for cheating on her taxes.

Ask her if I'm willing to "make an exception."

( sniffs )

Ugh, hair gel and urine.

I can't, I can't.

Oh, come on, three of them? That's not fair.

They're going to sell out before my shift is over.

Why don't you just sneak one out of the cage and put it aside for later?

No, it's fine.

I guess I'll just wait until we get another restock.

Oh, but you shouldn't have to.

You des...

Don't say "you deserve this."

I wasn't going to say that.

What were you going to say?

( stammering ) You... deserve this.

Okay, you're right, I do deserve this.

I deserve to disembowel warlocks.

Yes, you... do.

Then let's do this.

Let's do this.

( sniffs ) Oh, yep, urine.

Thank you so much for coming by.

Hey, how you doing, Mr. Evans?

Good to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

I'm a huge fan of your voiceover work.

In fact, my text alert is you from "Alpha Strike" saying "Decapitation bonus!"

( deep voice ) Decapitation bonus!

( laughing ) That is awesome!

Thanks.

Yeah, cool, well, hey.

That's all I wanted to say.

You know, I just think you're great, and you know, you mean the world to me.

Okay.

That's... that sounded weird.

I mean, not the world, but a lot, you know?

You, you mean a lot to me.

Oh, my mouth, my mouth is so dry.

( laughs )

Yeah, yeah, I can taste it.

If we could just, like, move, and make a line to the side.

And then people could pass on this side.

And if we then... if we could all go this way.

Sandra, we need this area clear.

This is a fire hazard.

I know.

I told them and they told me that my butt's a fire hazard.

I'm trying to think of a comeback.

Okay, guys, I really need you to make a line that way.

Okay?

Attention, all soft boys. Get off your butts, and move to the side, now!

The first person to step out of line is going to get my foot in their throat.

Use... less.

Useless.

( groans ) Come on.

You try. Your arms are longer.

Me? Yeah, but you know, I think my bicep might be a little big for...

Oh, hey. Slipped right in there.

Mmm, not long enough.

( groans )

Well, I guess I'll just stick to "Barbarian's Gate 2," like a commoner.

Wait, what's that back there?

Is that a door?

Um, maybe.

It kind of just looks like a closet.

Or it's another way into the cage.

Like an access tunnel.

You know, Glenn does still have the plans from the renovation.

We could break into his office, steal the blueprints, and navigate our way around the...

Okay, you don't have to mock me.

We crawl through the tunnel and then we jimmy the door...

I was only trying to help...

I'm agreeing with you!

Oh. Cool, all right.

Well, uh, let's do this, then.

It'll be like a little adventure.

Yeah, it's going to be the adventure of a lifetime.

Was that...

Sarcasm.

Definitely.

Okay, so it seems like there's another access point on this floor right around... uh, this office.

Really, where?

According to this, it's right there.

Well, there's clearly nothing there.

To the naked eye.

There might be a false wall, you know?

The thing about drywall is, you have to listen to it.

Because it sings a song.

Oh.

It lets you know where you need to go.

( knocking on wall )

Uh-huh.

What I'm trying to do right now is find a hollow spot, okay?

They're pretty much all hollow spots.

Maybe this is it?

Oh.

I'm just guessing.

I see what I did there.

I confused the title block and the revision block.

Totally, yeah, that happens all the time.

Do you know why we're always the victims?

Because...

I'm sorry, Glenn, I don't know.

It's because we make ourselves the victim.

But I am done being a doormat.

It would be nice not to get pushed around.

Yeah.

My mailman uses the bathroom in my apartment every day.

He used to knock, but then he made me make him a key.

So...

Well, no more.

Yeah, from now on, we are going to stand up for ourselves.

Okay, I guess.

Come on, say it like you mean it.

Okay, I guess!

That's the spirit!

Ah, got to get back to work.

Right.

Good talking with you.

No problem.

Do you have any idea who you were just talking to?

Who, that guy?

Yeah, that's Erick Evans.

He's been nominated for like, five DICE awards.

Okay.

He's a legend.

That's like if you met J. Lo.

Oh, what, just because I'm gay, I like J. Lo?

I mean, I do, she's flawless. But expand your mind.

What did you guys talk about?

I don't know, just small talk.

Tell me everything he said.

Fine, ugh.

He was like, "There's so much traffic on Delmar this morning."

And I was like, "You're right, Delmar was bumper to bumper."

Forget it.

No, no, wait.

I haven't gotten to the juicy part yet.

So, apparently, he doesn't think his Taurus has enough power.

Yeah, whatever, dude.

( clears throat ) Hi, ma'am.

Once again, mouth breathers, this is not personal.

It's not about who you are.

It's about how you smell.

And your stench is overwhelming.

This is not attacking any one individual.

Although if I had to single out the stink king, it would for sure be fatty in the purple hoodie.

Ugh.

Whoa.

I can't believe I've never been in this part of the store before.

Figured at some point during your illustrious Cloud 9 tenure you would have ventured back here.

No, I think they give you access to the bowels of the store at 15 years, so I'm almost there.

Well, this is weird. According to the blueprints, there should be a ladder, like, right here.

Oh, yes, right there.

( rousing hip-hop music )

♪

( calm music )

♪

( rousing hip-hop music resumes )

♪

Hey, Sandra.

Mm-hmm?

You think all these other sweaters are just going to magically get up and fold themselves?

No, Glenn, because magic doesn't ( bleep ) exist!

♪

One per customer.

♪

Aww.

Oh, my goodness.

The sign says "do not sit."

But I'm feeding my child, so...

Oh.

"I'm feeding my child, so."

No one cares. You're not special.

Yeah, so could you scram?

I'm trying, I'm just...

Oh, you're trying? Vertical.

You and your bag and your baby and your boobs need to go.

Tell you what, why don't you take your cold French fries with you?

This is ridiculous.

This is fun.

I know!

Enjoy.

Hey, do you want coffee?

I accidentally got an extra one.

So it's just going to go to waste.

Oh, thank you.

Yeah.

Oh, is there any...

Almond milk.

Because I know you're lactose intolerant.

Yeah, yeah.

Not because I'm stalking you or anything like that, I just, I read an interview, so.

Right.

Right.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

This is an adventure. It's like "The Goonies."

I never saw that.

"The Goonies"?

How have you never seen "The Goonies"?

( phone buzzes )

Well, it's a funny story actually, when the movie came out, I just didn't see it.

Oh, my God. It's Dina.

Answer it. No, don't answer it.

( whispering ) Answer it.

How is this helpful?

Amy, where are you? I need you in electronics.

One of the gamers is trying to teach Alexa racial slurs.

Sir, if you put that magnet on your armor, you are buying it, I swear to God.

Um, I'm... I'm right here.

Where?

Here.

You can't see me?

Yeah, I don't see you.

Dina, I am right here.

Just, um, turn left.

No, not, uh, the other way.

No... no, turn around, Dina.

I'm behind you.

Oh, my God, um, can you hold on?

There's a customer who's trying to get my attention.

Hang on? No, Amy, I need you right now.

( bad accent ) I... I need a lawnmower.

Okay, I'm going to go help him, bye.

Amy? Amy?

What is that voice?

I'm sorry.

I never pass up an opportunity to do a character.

No.

That's when I shine.

That is not okay.

I was shining.

No.

Did you hear what that guy called me?

Sir!

I could get used to that, boy.

"Oh, hello, sir. Good-bye, sir."

And people could call me "ma'am."

"Get out of my way, ma'am."

That's the only one I could think of, but...

( indistinct chatter )

Oh, hi. I came back with friends.

Say hi, say hi.

( laughs )

Hi, baby.

Hi, baby.

So, apparently, what's happening is called a nurse in.

It's meant to promote breastfeeding rights.

Wait, so they're going to be doing this in public?

That's gross.

( All groan )

All I'm saying is that, from a hetero male perspective, the female breast is a beautiful thing.

And when we see milk squirting out of it, it's a real boner-k*ller.

all: Oh, my God.

I just want everyone to know that I do not agree with this guy.

We allow breastfeeding, so why are they protesting?

No one knows. Yeah, women are crazy.

Well, it might be because...

Shut up, Sandra.

No one knows, so why don't we just move on?

Okay, so if women can show their boobs in the store, can I walk around with my pen1s hanging out?

You can't feed a baby with your pen1s.

But if I did, then it would be okay?

Wait, you're fighting for the right to walk around the store with your pen1s hanging out?

No, I'm just trying to figure out where the line is here.

Yeah, I think the line is somewhere between breast and pen1s.

Okay, these are all good points, but I think that maybe we need a woman's perspective.

Well, I think, historically...

I think a woman would say she's just happy to be a part of the conversation.

Why do they have to do it in public?

Why can't they just do it in their cars, or by the dumpsters? Right? Up top.

( all groan )

No, never gonna happen.

Again, maybe we could have a woman's perspective?

In my day, we called a gal who took her top off a whore.

There you are, the woman's perspective.

If breast milk is so healthy, then why aren't we all drinking it all the time?

Or making cheese with it?

Hold on, business idea.

Human cheese.

Nobody steal that. I call patent.

Oh, so gross.

Gross?

Are you telling me you'll have s*x with a woman, but not a cow, but drink a cow's milk and not a woman's?

Is that a real question? Of course.

( all groan )

Oh, boy.

We eat cows.

I think what Garrett's trying to say is that, if we ate human women, then we could drink their milk.

( all groan )

Oh, wow, Garrett, that is way too far.

No, I'm not saying that...

( indistinct chatter )

Disgusting.

I want everybody to know, I am not with this guy.

So, Chunk, a child, wants to adopt a full-grown man with severe physical and mental disabilities, and his parents are just like, fine with that?

Wait, what is this?

I'm not sure.

Huh.

What?

"Cindy Silly Stove."

Yikes.

Oh, my God, this must be the room where they used to put all the recalled merch.

That explains "Border Hopper," the zany illegal alien game.

So zany.

Shut up.

Sugar Logs? ( Gasps )

Do you remember Sugar Logs?

Expires 2023, score.

I don't.

Oh, I used to love these when I was a kid, before everything had to be so damn healthy.

300 grams of sugar?

A can of soda has like, 40.

Mmmm, oh, my God, it's so good!

Most of these ingredients are just colors.

What is this?

I don't know, but I want to put them on me.

Put it on!

( upbeat music playing )

♪

This is supposed to be a family store.

My child shouldn't have to see a bunch of women flaunting their bare breasts. It's disgusting.

Let's get your game signed and get out of here.

We're on it. Have a heavenly day.

Hey, what's up, skinny? ( Laughs )

What?

You look like you lost like, 20 pounds or something.

Okay, you obviously want something from me, but I still like it.

You know, I was thinking, since you're so close with Erick, if you wouldn't mind introducing me as a friend.

Wait, you want me to be your wingman for that middle-aged guy in Crocs who I've had one conversation with?

Hey, look, hey, all you need you to do is set it up, and I'll knock it down.

What is that? Is that a black thing?

Can I start saying it?

No, it's bowling.

Yeah.

Okay, then, just, hold on to the thing.

Over, over.

( cheering )

( both laughing )

( rock music )

Ha-ha!

( yells )

It burns, it burns, it burns, it burns, get it off.

This is just a witch's broom. Why would they recall this?

Oh, I remember this. Here.

( broom vibrating )

Oh, oh, I see it, got it, good recall.

♪ Take the money and run ♪

Okay, I reloaded!

That's very funny, but I can't... I need your help.

Stop!

I got you know, you...

Boom, oh, in your face!

You're turning violet, Violet.

But Daddy, I want an Oompa-Loompa now.

♪

Hyperdrive!

That's enough of that.

( game spinner turns )

♪ I'm a jalapeño I'm a jalapeño ♪

All right, jalapeño, your border tunnel caved in.

Oh, come on.

Move back two spaces.

There is just no way to win this game.

Sorry, jalapeño.

Mm.

You know what's funny?

We actually drank these in the parking lot at the end of my first day here.

Oh, yeah, I remember that. God, that was a long time ago.

It was back when you really hated me.

Come on, I didn't hate you.

Oh, you hated me.

No, I didn't.

Okay.

I just thought you were like, naive and useless..

Naive and useless?

Mm-hmm.

Oh, okay, wow. I can take that.

And now?

And now...

Uh-huh.

Same, but I...

Okay.

I'm not so bothered by it.

( laughs ) See?

I grow on a person.

Or wear them down.

Whichever one you prefer.

Either way, there's some sort of a progress happening here.

Progress, that's right.

And you never know, one day you might even like me.

Ah.

( laughs )

I didn't take off my boots in the river and I've drowned.

This game is dark.

So the door to the cage should be right around this corner.

( gasps )

There it is.

Oh, my God, you did it!

Hah.

I thought you would never find it.

If that's Amy for thank you, then you're welcome.

Goonies never say die!

Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, I read the blueprints wrong.

I'm getting coffee with my ex-wife.

Excuse us.

Sorry.

( exhales )

Hey, Jill.

( deeper voice ) Hey.

I am not trying to shame anyone, but I need you to move out of this aisle.

Please?

Pretty please?

With a cherry on top and rainbow sprinkles?

Or chocolate, you choose, whatever you want.

Oh, you're pathetic.

I can't believe I'm having your baby.

My... what?

What?

You're PA-the-tic.

No, no, no, no, I know that. What about the baby?

Didn't you get my text?

The implantation worked. I'm pregnant.

Or preggers, as my horrid niece would say, trying to make herself sound like she has a personality.

( muffled yelp )

( scoffs )

That's the most beautiful, magical thing anyone has ever said to me.

( sobbing ) I'm just so happy for you.

( sobbing ) Thank you.

No, I am sure I texted you.

It was like a week ago.

I see what happened. Texted the wrong Glen.

"Sorry, pregnant with Glenn with two Ns.

LOL."

My mechanic.

My assistant manager and I, we're going to have a baby.

Oh, boy.

Oh, God, I can't wait to tell my wife.

What is happening here?

I don't know.

I'm going to be a daddy.

Who's pathetic now?

( all muttering )

I was, um...

No, no, never mind.

( both laugh nervously )

Um, set them up and knock them down?

( exhales ) Soap.

Soap.

So, this is... this is cool.

I'm so glad we're doing this.

Yeah, it's... it's very cool.

( chuckles )

No, it's not cool.

Normally I'm the cool guy.

They call me the Samuel L. Jackson of this store.

Who calls you the...

But for some reason, around you, and I don't know what it is, because you're just some guy who stands in a booth and does a bunch of silly voices, so I don't know why you think you're so great.

I don't... I don't... I never said that.

You know, I met Scott Bakula at an Outback Steakhouse, and it was smooth sailing. And that guy, he quantum leapt.

Or leaped, or whatever it was. I don't care, because I'm cool.

You're not better than me!

So enjoy losing another DICE award to Troy Baker.

Jerk.

Taurus-driving loser.

( clears throat )

I mean, the sad thing is, he is the cool one.

So...

( sighs )

Oh, no.

It's over, huh?

Yeah.

It's fine, I made too big a deal out of it.

Oh, okay, then I guess you won't want this.

What? How?

I bribed some kid with a couple of cans of that malt drink.

He was a bigger kid, so I think his heart can handle it.

Jonah, thank you!

Oh, my God, I can't wait to decapitate somebody.

Yeah, well, I am happy to help.

Do you want to see how it's done?

I could put it in the demo, and I could show you really quick.

It's so much fun.

Oh, uh...

I kind of promised Kelly that I would meet her tonight.

I so would, though.

Oh, my God, of course.

Yeah, no.

But tomorrow.

Yes.

Let's do this.

Let's do it tomorrow. Play the game.

Okay.

Okay, have a good night.

You too, enjoy that.

I will, thank you.

( chuckles )

Thank you.

Ugh.

I can still smell them.

It's like Cool Ranch and scrotum.

Hey, Rodriguez, pay attention, I'm talking.

What, have you got a crush on Jonah or something?

( exhales )

Yeah, I think I do.

( retching )

It's the smell. It's not this.