03x18 - Local Vendors Day

[bunniefuu]

♪

Today is local vendors day.

This is Cloud 9's way of supporting the local small business owners we're constantly putting out of business.

And this year, we have a very special vendor.

Just look at these beautiful needlepoints.

This is certainly an exciting product.

Glenn, we all know that's your wife.

No, no, it isn't.

She is just a talented craftswoman who is gracing us with her presence.

Thank you, kind sir.

I appreciate the opportunity with to sell my crafts in your lovely store.

Well, the pleasure is all ours.

It's just so exciting to have such a beautiful stranger at our vendor fair.

What's happening?

I think it's foreplay.

Glenn, are you gonna tell your wife that you're flirting with one of the vendors?

Oh, I don't think she'll mind.

Oh, so you guys have an open marriage.

What's that?

It means you're allowed to have s*x with people who aren't your spouse.

( whispering ) It's like the Walkers.

Oh. Oh, oh, God, no!

Then why are you trying to get at the vendor lady?

Are you cheating on Jerusha?

You know what? I'm gonna call her.

No, don't call her.

( cell phone vibrates )

She deserves to know.

Don't answer that!

( upbeat music )

$8 for a bar of soap just 'cause it's shaped weird and wrapped in twine?

Well, it's artisanal. It's organic.

( scoffs, sniffs )

Ugh. I don't need my soap to be organic.

We have science now.

Science has created chemicals that keep us clean.

Handcrafted locally sourced beer.

What does that even mean?

Well, what makes a microbrew special is...

Know what? That actually looks kind of interesting.

I think I'm gonna check it out.

Oh, because of the, uh, the cute girl?

No, 'cause it's ardisenal.

Did you just say "ardisenal"?

Whatever, man. Leave me alone.

Well, things are going well with beverage guy.

I mean, he waves, you wave.

Yeah, we've been on a couple dates.

He's... he's sweet.

Wow, I bet dating has changed so much since your time.

How did you guys even send each other naked photos of yourselves?

Uh, just in the mail.

Oh, my God. So much effort.

I sent a nude fax once.

Full face?

Full face.

I mean, an artist signs her work.

♪ Hate me, say what you want about me ♪
♪ But all of the boys and all of the girls ♪
♪ Are begging to if you seek Amy ♪
♪ La... ♪

Dina, hey. I made something for you.

Just as, you know, a little thank-you for, you know, the gift that you're giving to Glenn and me.

Wow.

It's a stork.

'Cause you're bringing us a baby.

Gosh, what intricate work.

Yeah, it took me over 30 hours.

Amazing. Yeah.

You know what? I actually can't accept this.

No offense, but it just really freaks me out.

And I do not want this in my home.

Or, to be honest, on the planet.

Thanks.

Oh, okay.

Wow. Can't believe you came on your day off to sell cheese you made out of breast milk.

Yeah, well, it's been a lot of trial and error.

You know, if you don't get the consistency just right, you get boob yogurt, and that's just gross.

And then there's the scavenging.

Oh, and then my lizard ate a bunch of my samples.

Wait, wait, wait. Let's go back to scavenging.

Well, I mainly work with found milk.

Found milk?

Mm-hmm.

You know, a mom leaves a bottle on a table at a food court and, you figure she's okay with people taking a little off the top.

( chuckles )

( gags )

( upbeat music )

♪

Ever since the storm, he's become the most amazing hider.

Sometimes I can't find him for days.

That's great.

Hey, were you guys talking about Jerry?

Yeah, this weekend, we're taking the rails off the toilet.

Yeah, hey, you know what'd be really good for his recovery?

A nice cozy scarf from Jerusha's booth.

Better get over there fast, you know, before she sells out.

Oh, did... did you want us to go right now?

Whoa, someone's excited.

Yeah, go ahead.

But, uh...

Uh, yep. Okay, let's go.

Whoa, I am jealous of you.

I like the label. It's very, uh, artisanal.

Thanks, yeah. Would you like a taste?

All right, cheers.

Cheers.

Mmm, it, uh... wow, it tastes like Bud Light.

( laughs ) You're funny.

Well, yeah, I mean, I'm definitely a little bit of a cr*ck-up but, this is Bud Light, right?

No. I guess if you're not used to drinking craft beer, it might take a little time for your palate to adjust.

Or it might be Bud Light. ( Chuckles )

Hmm.

You know, if you buy just one more scarf, you get a free other scarf.

Um...

Sure. Let's do it.

So it seems like, uh, Jerusha's sales seem to be picking up a little bit, huh?

Yeah. God, I am so proud of her.

'Cause, you know, needlepoint comes easy to a lot of people.

But not Jerusha.

I just can't help but wonder if some of the employees might feel a little pressured, you know, to buy her stuff.

I'm not pressuring anyone.

No, of course not, but there's... yeah, I think there's an inherent coercive power that you wield over the employees, even... even if you're not conscious of it.

Yeah, sure, sure, but you know, I think if I was doing something subconsciously, I'd know it.

Right. Yeah.

Yeah, I just, you know... I think, uh...

I think what I'm saying is, just be careful how you use your power.

Maybe you should be careful how you use your power...

Handsome.

Wow.

Hey.

Did you design this? This is very impressive.

It came to me in a dream.

A really boring dream.

And it is taking forever.

Well, you know, if you get hungry, I highly recommend the mini burritos.

I've had, like... like, one.

I don't know, there's something lame about a burnout white dude making money off Mexican food.

Yeah, but in fairness to Burrito Brian, I don't think he's making any money.

And I'm pretty sure he sleeps in his van.

And he did spend some time in Costa Rica.

Burritos aren't from Costa Rica.

Yeah, no, I know. Obviously.

They're from other places.

Be careful.

I'm gonna have to take away your Latina card.

( laughs )

Yeah, my Latina card.

Here you go. Take it.

( laughs )

No, um, that's a picture of a kid.

I found this on the sidewalk and I felt really weird about throwing it away.

♪

If you were to describe me... you know, like, "Amy is the blank one," what would you say?

Amy is the bossy one.

Oh, Amy's the divorced one.

Amy's the mad one. The loud one.

Ooh, the sad one.

Oh, I could see that.

No, something more obvious.

Like... like about my identity.

Like, what am I?

Oh, the short one.

The older one.

Mmm, Amy's the Miranda one.

Guys, I'm the Latina one.

Uh...

Sort of.

I mean, I guess technically.

What do you mean? I am Latina.

That's a fact.

I mean, you don't even like spicy food, so...

Yeah, and you're not that good of a dancer.

Not that all Latinos are good dancers, but it definitely feels like you're one level below wherever you should be.

I get it.

This is the first time you've dated a Latino guy, and you're out of your element.

I am not out of my element.

I... I am the element.

I'm... the element is in me.

Okay, quick tip.

Just call him "papi" at the end of every sentence.

You'll drive him wild.

Okay, no, that's not a thing.

It works.

It really does.

I've dated a lot of Latin men.

A lot of them.

None of you feel pressured to buy Jerusha's needlepoint, right?

Actually, it did feel like we kind of had to buy something.

Had to because of me?

Or had to because you appreciate quality?

You?

But maybe quality. I don't know.

Come on, you guys should know me by now.

I never pressure you.

So this is not my fault.

I felt pressured to buy cookies from your foster kids.

And then someone in Tucson bought a Vespa with my credit card, and the bank said I had to prove that I wasn't in Tucson.

How would I even do that?

You take a picture of yourself with a newspaper not from Tucson.

You made me take care of the tropical fish that you raised even though I can't afford the t*nk maintenance.

I had to take out a loan.

My sister was in labor, and you needed me to change your screensaver to flying toasters.

She gave birth in her tub.

Okay, okay.

Okay, I... I am sorry, then.

I'll never pressure you again.

Okay.

Okay.

( laughs )

And it's like, why would I even want a Vespa?

My vertigo was going crazy at the time.

I had to sit down in the shower.

So I can do hats with squirrels on them.

I can do scarves with birds on them.

What about a scarf with a squirrel on it?

No.

I mean, I guess technically I could.

But no, I just don't feel comfortable with that.

¿Qué pasa, amigo? ¿Cómo estás?

Hey, what's up?

Ah, answering in Inglés?

I'm gonna have to take away your Latino card.

I guess you do. I had no idea you spoke Spanish.

Oh, sí, claro Que sí.

We spoke Spanish in mi casa all the time.

Uh, lunes, martes, miércoles, and so on.

( speaking rapid Spanish )

( mimics cat meowing )

Mm.

( speaking Spanish )

No.

( speaking Spanish )

That is Bud Light.

Thank you.

But you know what? Who cares?

No, no, man. I don't care.

It's just that I want her to admit that I'm right.

Mm-hmm.

You know, it's about respect.

Right, that sounds like caring.

No, no, no, no, dude. I don't care.

It's just important to me.

Oh, okay, so that's the definition of caring.

No, dude, I don't care.

Right.

Mm!

Hey, feel like getting some lunch?

Oh, no, I'm not really hungry.

People aren't buying anything anymore.

Earlier I was selling a lot, but now people are returning things.

That... that's weird.

Well, you know retail.

It's a crazy business.

That's probably it.

I just can't help but kind of feel like a failure as a woman.

You know, my lady parts are all dried up.

They're not.

I can't do needlepoint up to the standards of these people.

My hair won't hold a perm.

When is it Jerusha's turn?

Oh, come on.

( whimpers )

It'll be fine. Sales will pick up.

I mean, people love your scarves.

What about my hats?

Oh, and your hats too.

Even more than your scarves.

More?

No, the... the same.

Look, it'll get better. I promise.

Mm-hmm.

Come here.

( speaking rapid Spanish )

Oh, fantástico. Sí, sí.

Really?

Sí.

Wow, this is great. I'm looking forward to it.

Oh, sí.

Awesome.

So you agreed to something, and you have no idea what it was?

It sounded like "mana sola rar"...

"mana sola ray."

Bensoso?

Mañana.

Mantilla.

Mango?

Manaquina. Manila?

No, you're not listening.

( all speaking at once )

Okay, stop, stop, stop!

It's not helping.

Don't you speak Spanish?

Um, yeah. Some.

But he was talking so fast.

And plus he's got that Dominican accent, so he was, like, dropping S's and, like, moving L's to R's.

And it was a mess.

The only Spanish words I know are más tequila.

Know what I mean? Ay, ay, ay!

( laughs )

Oh, God.

Oh, hey, Jonah, do you speak Spanish?

No, why?

Don't worry about it.

Amy's boyfriend said something to her in Spanish, and we're trying to figure out what he said.

You have a... a boyfriend?

No, just some guy that I've gone on a couple dates with.

Alex, the beverage guy.

Oh, the beverage guy. Cool.

Cheyenne, look up the Spanish term for, "Would you like to have s*x in the butt?"

What? Why?

Because that may be what you agreed to.

Oh, busy day, huh?

Yeah, actually, I think I'm about to sell out.

Whoa, wow.

Well, hey, if you do, no worries, 'cause you got a whole row of beer right behind you.

Oh, thanks, but you guys don't sell beer like this.

Oh, no, yeah. Probably not.

Hey, you know what is interesting?

I had a friend try one of your samples, and... this is crazy... totally independently, also said it tastes like Bud Light.

Well, it's not.

Well, hey, look.

I wouldn't judge you if it was.

In fact, I'd respect you for charging $13 for $2 worth of Bud Light.

And I'd appreciate that respect if that's what I were doing.

Okay, well...

Okay, well.

( chuckles ) Life is a highway.

What?

I got to get back to work.

So what do you want me to buy from her?

Oh, it doesn't matter. Just get as much as you can for $200, okay?

Yeah, okay.

I can do that.

Thank you.

Excuse me. How much can I buy for $200?

Oh, wow, um, let's find out.

( mutters ) Damn it, random man!

Okay.

Hey, you know, I don't think you want to be spending all your money here.

I thought I was supposed to...

What are you doing?

Well, nothing. It's just that $200 is a lot to spend on candy when there's so many other booths.

Who asked you to get involved?

Glenn, what's going on?

He's messing with my sale.

What do you want me to buy?

That's what's going on.

It's okay. I... I just want everybody to be happy.

Then mind your own ( bleep ) business.

O-okay.

"Lay Na sol ya Ra."

Says it's Hindi.

Could he have been speaking Hindi?

No, he's Dominican.

A Dominican person could speak Hindi if he wanted to.

He could learn it.

That's great about you and the beverage guy. I love that guy.

Really good guy.

Do you know him?

We've never talked, but we'll wave, you know?

Or he'll nod if he's, you know, pushing the dolly or something.

He's a great, great guy.

You said that already.

Why didn't you just tell him that you didn't understand what he was saying?

Because then he would just go on and on about taking my Latina card from me.

What's a Latina card?

Like when you go to Sharky's, you earn points.

We should go on a double date together.

You and, um, the beverage guy and Kelly and me.

Guys, Amy's in uncharted territory right now.

She usually only dates white men.

Well, that's pretty r*cist.

That's not true. I don't just date white men.

I dated one white guy 15 years ago, and I just happened to marry him.

I'm gonna call Kelly. I'm gonna text her.

I'm gonna call her.

Just because she has a preference doesn't mean she's r*cist.

I don't have a preference. And if I did, it probably wouldn't be white guys.

You know what? She's here. I could just go up and talk to her.

Eh, I'm gonna text her.

I'm sorry, isn't having a preference the definition of racism?

I think it's r*cist to have a non-preference.

Like, you can say, "I'm into Cuban guys," but you can't say, "I'm into everyone but Cuban guys."

Ah.

No, yeah.

I totally kissed a black guy once.

Who?

You don't know him. It was from high school.

What was his name?

Peter.

Peter the black guy?

Yeah, okay, that doesn't sound right, but whatever.

She's in!

Kelly's in. This is gonna be... this is gonna be great.

It's gonna be great. Great, great, great, great.

♪ Her face everywhere I go ♪
♪ On the street and even at the picture show ♪
♪ Have you seen her ♪

( sighs ) I don't know, man.

Sometimes I just think that maybe it was a mistake to sink my life savings into this.

Yeah, well...

Uh...

Hang in there.

Really?

That means a lot, man.

Men need to support other men.

You know?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Hey. On the house.

Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.

It's gonna make me real happy.

Okay.

Yeah!

Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey, where you going?

Pop it in.

Oh, you... you wanted me to, uh, eat it right now?

I want to see the look in your eyes when that cheese hits your tongue.

Yes, I will... I will do this.

I will put this in there.

That's how it works.

Mmm!

Really?

Mm-hmm.

That is such a relief.

Mm-hmm.

I haven't tried it yet.

To be honest, it kind of grosses me out.

Hey, guys.

Um, I just wanted to double check.

No one wanted to buy anything from Jerusha, right?

Just asking as a pal, not your boss.

Just as a pal who loves crafts.

No, thank you. I don't really like them.

Okay. Cool.

Mateo?

You know, you would look really fetching in a bird scarf.

Oh, I never cover my neck. It's my best feature.

Also, I'm saving up for something I actually want to buy.

Justine?

Hard pass.

I think the crossword puzzles are harder in spring.

Listen up!

Everybody here better get out there and start buying stuff from my wife!

I feel like you're pressuring us.

You're g*dd*mn right, I'm pressuring you.

You buy stuff, or you're fired!

What?

Yeah, and if you tell anyone I did this, I'll lie.

And I'll say that I didn't.

And they'll believe me, because I'm the boss!

Now! Now, go, go!

You move your ass!

I had my medicine in that.

I crush it up and hide it to trick myself.

Oh, let me... let me help you.

Maybe it's right on top here.

So, I lager for three months at 35 degrees.

And actually the yeast that I use is a descendant of the original Bavarian wild yeasts...

It's Bud Light. It's Bud Light.

It's a descendant of Bud Light because it's Bud Light.

( laughs )

What are you doing?

Just admit it's Bud Light.

Okay, could you...

Fine, it's Bud Light, okay?

I buy the kegs wholesale, and then I mark up the bottles.

Now, could you please stop telling everyone?

Thank you for just being honest with me.

That's all I wanted.

Now, how about I take you out sometime?

Hey. I'm taking off.

You're still up for tonight, right?

Uh, yeah.

Tonight, um, so do I need to, like, wear anything or maybe bring something?

No, nothing special.

Okay.

And, um... and you're sure this is something I'm gonna enjoy?

I mean, we don't have to if you don't want to.

( speaking rapid Spanish )

Okay, I don't understand what you're saying!

Huh?

My Spanish isn't that good.

My parents never made me speak it in the house, and I really don't feel like I should be made to feel guilty about that, okay?

I was just asking if you're cool driving for an hour to this barbecue place I like.

Oh. Oh, cool.

Yeah, that's, uh, cool.

Cool.

Yeah.

Cool.

Yeah.

So you didn't understand anything I was saying?

Like all the stuff about my mom and my family?

Oh, no, no, no. That... that stuff I totally got.

I understood that.

Your family, they're a riot.

What a... what a hoot.

I can't believe I sold out.

I am so proud of you, my little saleswoman.

I'm thinking about experimenting with a badger on a sweater.

I think people would love that.