03x19 - Lottery

[bunniefuu]

The Missouri lottery is the highest it's been in 20 years.

Oh, man, I'd love to win the lottery.

Yeah, I'd stop washing the sheets on my futon.

I'd just buy new ones every day.

I'd get a bunch of vintage Jordans.

But like, Michael Jordan's Jordans.

I want the actual shoes off his feet.

If I won, you would not see me here tomorrow.

That is for sure.

I would be taking Thursdays off from now on.

- I'd buy a private island.

- That's my plan too!

I'd go to really expensive stores, hoping that white women would be rude to me, so I could come back with a bunch of bags and be like, a ha, big mistake.

Like "Pretty Woman." I'd drop everything and travel the world.

You know?

No plans, no ties.

Just me and the open road.

So if you're ditching Kelly, dibs.

- Oh, no, I didn't...

- Yeah, no.

Enjoy the open road.

Send me a postcard.

I could probably make Thursdays work, if they really needed me.

If I won, I would resurrect and then own the dodo.

I'd donate my winnings to my favorite charity.

They pair wounded veterans with dogs who have been rescued from dog-fighting rings.

Part of their therapy is making art that they sell to raise funds for the children's hospital.

It's beautiful.

I, well, I mean, I would also give to charity.

Yeah, I mean, that's obviously...

Of course I'd give.

Not me.

I'll stick with my Jordans idea.

The island would be more of a refuge for like, animals or orphans or something.

- Exactly.

- Yeah.

Ooh, someone's all dressed up.

Family court?

Oh, God, I hope it's not family court, is it?

No, I'm asking Glenn for a raise.

It's just, between the divorce and putting money away for Emma's college, and my car just started making this, like, maaaa sound.

So it's like, what am I supposed to do?

Wait a minute, are you actually nervous?

- This is Glenn, he loves you.

- I know, it's just, like, makes me feel self-conscious to ask for money.

See, this is the problem.

Women aren't socialized to advocate for higher wages despite the fact that...

Mm-hmm, I'm going to need you to turn off podcast mode.

Thanks.

Fair enough.

- 3, 22.

- Oh, those are good.

I picked random ones like 14 and 34.

Those are like, the random ones that no one picks, so that's kind of a good plan.

Okay.

Hey, if you won, do you think we'd still be friends?

Chey, of course.

You'd be my friend from my poor life who keeps me grounded.

But, then again, I don't know if I want to keep a poor person around, just bumming everyone out.

Ugh.

We could buy our tickets together - and whoever wins, we split it.

- Cool, let's do it.

Oh, my God, what if I pick something super out there, like 41 or 50?

Oh, my God, yes.

You have to.

Hey, so, uh, before.

That wasn't anything, right?

Like, of course I wouldn't just ditch you if I won the lottery.

Yeah, I know, I was just giving you a hard time.

Okay, good, yeah, yeah, I mean, you know.

I wasn't, like, saying what I would do.

I was just talking, like, wildest fantasies.

Oh, okay, so yeah, no, all you're saying is, I'm not in your wildest fantasies.

No, no, no, no, I just meant like, a hypothetical world where you're not there.

- So dead in your fantasy.

- No, no, no, no.

I just meant, no, it's like an alternate timeline where, like, you never existed in the first place.

Okay, seriously, stop.

I can't take this much romance.

Oh, hey, uh, Glenn, um, whenever you get a chance, could we talk about something?

Oh, well I have a chance right now.

- sh**t.

- Oh, um...

No, no, I meant like, later.

Like, in your office.

But, or now.

No-no-no, now's good.

- Now's great yeah.

- Now, okay.

Uh, so...

Uh, as you know...

Well, I mean, before I... before I go there, I should say that I, um, Uh, I feel like, um, I feel like I've...

I've proven myself to be uh, reliable, and pretty sturdy, Um, well, sturdy's not really the word...

Uh, excuse me, I'm sorry.

How do these toilet stools work?

Do you just sit down and put your feet on it, or double over and grab onto it for dear life?

Well, that's annoying.

- I know, right?

- Why are you agreeing with me?

You don't even know what I'm talking about.

Sorry.

Check out this text from Colleen at the Bel-Ridge store.

"Biggest jackpot ever.

Wonder who's gonna sell the most tickets." She's so competitive, with her smug cancer survivor smirk.

She sounds like a real piece of work.

You don't even know her.

Why are some women so quick to judge other women?

I don't know.

I need to find a way to sell more tickets than her.

- b*at her at her own game.

- Uh-huh.

Don't say "uh-huh." You don't even know the rest of it.

I don't know why I do it.

Without going into too many details, the Squatty Potty basically saved our marriage.

You don't have to push.

It just slides out.

I want a raise!

I'm sorry, that was bad timing.

I was looking for a pause in the conversation.

Really.

There wasn't one.

It was surprisingly a very rich topic.

Okay, well, I will give it a try.

I can always bring it back, right?

Yeah, though you won't want to.

- So...

- Amy, you deserve a raise.

- Thank you.

- But ever since Laurie was made district manager, I'm not allowed to give raises anymore.

Or hugs.

Yeah, no, I, uh...

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up.

Aw, Amy.

Come here.

Nope, I can't do that.

Look, why don't we hug ourselves, - and then imagine it?

- No, I'm okay.

- No, no, come on.

- I'm...

I'm...

- Here you go.

- Okay.

There you...

there you go.

♪ I know we're not going to win, but if we do, should we get our money up-front or in installments?

Hmm, I don't know.

Some of my cousins might try to k*ll me for the money, but with installments, they'll need me alive.

Okay, but if we get the money now, we could buy something really baller.

Like, maybe a robot that plays music and is also your dentist and stuff.

Or a yacht, but the captain is an ape wearing a sailor hat.

If we get a yacht, do you think we can get - Mariah Carey to perform on it?

- Oh, yeah.

I want her to sing all of her songs, and then tell her, "Sorry, Mariah." "It's not 1994 anymore.

Go cut up some cucumber for our water." Yes!

Not only did you not get the raise, you ended up apologizing to him?

I hadn't planned on asking for a raise while holding a toilet accessory.

I'm sorry, how is this okay?

Isn't there a problem with people eating these?

Yeah, that's not good.

So wait, hold on, that's it?

You're just going to take no for an answer?

- Well, what more can I do?

- Take it to Laurie.

Okay, yeah, I'll just mention it to her the next time she's here.

Ooh, vanilla flavored.

Now I kind of want to try one.

You can't keep waiting around for the perfect time to ask for a raise or it's never going to happen.

You should do it now while you still got your business suit on.

It would be a phone call.

Yeah, but, she'll hear that business-suit energy.

My mouth is watering.

I can't be around these.

For the next number, uh, 30?

31?

There's really no wrong answer.

You just need to pick another number.

30.

No, no, no, no, 31.

- Great, 31 it is.

- No, no, no, mm-mm.

You sounded like you weren't too into that.

Was 31 a mistake?

- What would you do?

- Well, it's tough.

Because if you pick 30, you're not gonna win.

- Mm-hmm.

- But if you pick 31, you're also not gonna win.

So it really depends on how you want to not win.

- You're a d*ck.

- Mm-hmm.

Wait, no, it was 31 the whole time.

Dina, I thought about what you said about women not supporting other women...

Jesus, just get on with it.

I don't have time for the preamble.

Garrett's being rude to the customers.

A few of them left before buying lottery tickets.

- What?

- I thought you might want to know since you're trying to sell more tickets than Colleen.

Thank you for letting me know.

This is helpful.

Also, Elias has been stealing discontinued light bulbs.

I hate tattletales!

Laurie Neustadt's office.

This is Skye.

- Uh, yes, hi, um, is she in?

- Who is calling?

Amy Dubanowski.

She's not available right now.

Can I take a message?

Um, yeah, could you just let her know that...

No, no, sorry, is she there?

No, she's not available.

Because you asked who was calling, and only then did you say she was unavailable which implies, to me, that she is available; she just doesn't want to take our call.

Um, she's just not available.

Listen, Skye.

I think you're lying to me.

So why don't you do your job and get her on the phone?

I'm sorry.

I don't really know what I'm doing.

But Miss Neustadt is...

she's a friend of my dad's friend and...

You know what, I'm sorry.

This really isn't my phone call.

Take it away, Amy.

Uh, hey, uh, Syke?

- It's Amy again.

- Hi.

Um, you're doing great.

- Thank you.

- You're doing really great.

Listen, could you just tell her that I called?

Okay, and what is this regarding?

Um, it's regarding me asking for a raise.

Oh, um, well, if it's just about a raise, Laurie has a protocol for that.

Money.

No matter how much you make, it never seems like enough.

But with a little planning, you'll see that a budget is like a raise you give yourself.

♪ Oh, what a night Oh, what a night ♪ ♪ Oh, yes, it's ladies' night, and the feeling's right ♪ Let's look at a typical budget for a Cloud 9 employee.

We'll call her Penny Wise.

Oh, because she's a k*ller clown that lives in the sewer?

What?

No.

What, wait, I don't think so.

I don't see any expense for food.

I mean, personally, I...

I like food.

Anybody else a food person?

Wow, almost all of you.

Well, there's $100 under "other." That's probably for food.

So we're supposed to live on under $4 a day for food?

Just don't go eating lobster.

Or just get one lobster and just eat it a little bit at a time over the course of several weeks.

That's what I do.

There's no line for child care, or going to the doctor.

Probably because they're just planning on us not getting sick, right?

I eat two-week-old unrefrigerated lobster.

I'm going to get sick.

So, I just managed to get us a reservation tonight at the Italian place with the Irish name that you love.

O'Brien's Osteria?

Oh, they have the best spaghetti.

It wasn't easy, by the way.

They don't have a host that takes reservations, so I had to track down the owner at a spin class.

I feel like you're just trying to make up for totally ditching me in your lottery fantasy world.

Could be, but I won't be ditching you as we go home to watch the Hallmark romantic comedy of your choosing, and I won't poke holes in any of the stories.

Not even if the guy is revealed to be - the girl's childhood pen pal?

- Nope.

That's, that's just a...

wonderful coincidence.

What else can we do to have luxury on a budget?

Sometimes, I pee in the shower.

It helps save toilet water.

It's not why I do it, but it's a plus.

I do it to wash my feet.

Urine is sterile.

I save my bathwater to water the plants in my garden, and vice versa.

We could cut down on things like lotto tickets.

Or buy more lotto tickets, depending on whether we win or not.

My friend, Corona, just keeps her webcams on all day in her bedroom and her bathroom.

She makes thousands of dollars.

You could be on the lookout for loose coins.

Vending machines, couch cushions, the ground near parking meters, fountains.

ABG.

Always Be Gathering.

Or, what if this company just gave us a little bit more money so we wouldn't have to scrounge for money like street urchins?

This one guy paid Corona $10,000 to fart on a cake.

She went to Cabo.

Oh, well, uh...

Okay, moving on.

Section three, Social Services.

Uncle Sam has your food.

Now go get it!

While you were at the meeting I was checking out Laurie's Instagram to see how unavailable she is.

What?

"Nice day for a drive, a golfing drive, 'cause this minx is hitting the links." Jesus.

The course is not that far from here.

You could just happen to run into her and then bring up the raise.

I think stalking her on social media and then hunting her down while she's playing golf might come off as a little pushy.

It would come off as a lot pushy.

But pushy people are the ones that get what they want.

You got to have chutzpah.

- "Chutzpah"?

- Chutzpah.

Okay, fine.

But you're coming with me.

- Deal.

- God, you're annoying.

- Annoying or pushy?

- Annoying.

Went with 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42.

You picked the numbers from "Lost." Yeah, are you a fan?

No.

Take your business elsewhere.

Hey, you're scaring off customers.

I'm scaring off gambling addicts.

Oh, and you don't care about the $5,000 bonus that goes to whoever sells the winning ticket?

Oh, boy, you think I'm that gullible?

Hey, Sandra, how much does the employee who sells a winning lotto ticket get?

$5,000.

Look, even if that was true, which I don't believe it is, you think I'm just going to start hauling ass in the 1-in-7-million chance that I'm going to sell the winning ticket?

I didn't ask you to do anything.

Damn it.

All right, come on, people.

Let's get this line moving.

You can't win if you don't play.

Let's see what you got here.

We should have a saltwater pool on the yacht.

Not to swim in, just to be like, "Hey, ocean, we don't need you.

We've got our own." And we should hire someone to bury treasure for us, - and then we get to find it.

- Is this all on the yacht?

Everything is happening on the yacht.

We are done with land.

You guys know you wouldn't get all 30 million if you won, right?

What are you talking about?

Well, if you want it all at once, you'd get 18.

Oh, well, I mean, you know, that's still pretty...

And then, after taxes, 11.

So that's 5 1/2 each.

5 1/2 million?

I guess that's something, right?

- I mean, it's more than we have.

- I guess.

Oh, is that her over there, by the tree?

No, that doesn't look anything like her, either.

Do you just think all white women look the same?

No.

I think all these white women look the same.

Just keep your eyes peeled.

Tell me if you see her.

Well, I mean, that's going to be tough.

At these speeds, everything is just a blur.

Shut up.

I'm not used to these things.

Not everyone grew up going to country clubs.

I feel like you just think of me as this like, spoiled rich kid who spent all of his time playing tennis and golf.

All right, well, what did you grow up playing?

- Mostly tennis and some golf.

- Uh...

And I was a pretty decent skier.

Ugh.

Oh, wait, is that her over there?

No, again, that's just...

Oh, wait, yeah, no, that is her.

Yeah, yeah, it is her.

Okay, here we go.

I'm going to take a nap.

Wake me up when we get there.

Attention shoppers, come buy your lottery ticket at customer service right now.

There are some people who say the lottery is basically a tax on lower income, less educated people.

But you know who doesn't say that?

People who win the lottery.

There you go, got to be in it to win it, girl.

Myrtle, what are you doing here?

- Playing the numbers.

- How you been?

Oh, I've been doing just fine.

I got a job collecting cans and bottles from the trash.

- Oh.

- It's not bad.

There's some competition, but I just have to get there at 3:00 a.m.

Yeah, wow.

Hey, you know what?

Um...

why don't you give me these and I'll give you the cash?

Okay?

Uh...

$30 sounds about right for all of this.

That's even more than I thought.

- I hope you win.

- Me too.

The nights at the motel are starting to add up.

Yeah.

So we're just going to say that we happened to be here golfing, and that we ran into her, and then I'll just segue - into talking about the raise.

- Got it.

Do you want to go over some possible segues?

Uh, no, I think I'll just find it.

Okay, all right, but you know, just...

just in case, uh, speaking of golf greens, I could use a little green myself.

So dumb.

You know what really tees me off?

Low pay.

Um, speaking of a hole-in-one...

Oh, yeah, you're going to k*ll it.

- Uh oh, she's moving.

- Laurie!

Hey, Laurie!

Laurie!

Watch out for the hill right here.

Hey!

Hi, Laurie!

I thought that was you.

Oh, Amy, Amy, Amy.

Watch out!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

It doesn't seem like anything is broken, But just to be safe, I'm going to need you not to move.

Laurie, I am so sorry.

I was trying to pull up next to you, but those things really just don't turn well.

And I'm not saying this is what happened, but it is very possible that someone cut my break lines.

Okay.

Can I get up please?

I'm sorry for the wait.

They don't let us drive the truck on the grass.

Well, while we're waiting, and...

and speaking of not being able to move, I too have had trouble moving.

Lately.

Past the poverty line.

No, no way, no, what are you doing?

Chutzpah.

So I would love...

no, actually, I think I deserve an extra buck 50 an hour.

I'm sorry, are you actually asking me for a raise right now?

- Of course not right now...

- Yes, yes.

That is what I'm doing.

Unless for some reason I'm not allowed to, like, medically speaking.

No, no, no, not medically.

But if you're asking me if it's a good idea right now to ask for a raise...

No, I wasn't asking your opinion.

- I just needed the info.

- Okay.

With the highest lottery jackpot in 20 years, tonight's winning numbers are: - 4...

- Nope.

- 8...

- Nope.

- 15...

- Nope.

- Dina, we sold 12,742 tickets.

- Yes!

Suck it, Colleen, you pink ribbon wearing bitch.

If her jaw wasn't wired shut, I'd make her eat trash!

So this was about Colleen from Bel-Ridge.

- Oh, yeah.

- Pretty sure I know the answer to this question, but, uh, there's no bonus, is there?

Just the bonus of telling Colleen she can suck it...

No, Sandra.

You're not a part of this.

And now, for our mega jackpot winning number...

42.

It was the numbers from "Lost." Guess it's back to washing my futon sheets like a frickin' nerd.

I like working Thursdays.

You can talk about how Friday's coming up, and how Wednesday was, and, yeah.

Enjoy your 5 1/2 million, loser.

- I get seasick anyway.

- Yeah, yeah.

I like living with my cousins.

It's...

it's cool.

In what world did you actually think she was going to give you a raise?

I don't know.

I thought she'd be like, "You got moxie, kid." Why, because she's a 1930s Hollywood producer?

Yes, like, "I'm going to put you in the pictures, see?" All right, Sosa up.

This is a stupid game for stupid people.

If you want to move up the corporate ladder, you're going to need to learn how to play golf.

- Okay, golf camp.

- All right, just hear me out.

Okay?

So...

So when you pull the club back, you want to make - a triangle with your arms.

- Okay.

Just think of yourself as, like, you're a pendulum.

Okay?

You're a clock.

Yeah, but not so loose, and let's please be careful.

Okay, so next...

Do you, can I...

- Put my arms around...

- Just do it, Jonah.

It's only weird if you talk about it.

Okay, all right.

Okay, so, uh...

- Hands overlap.

- Mm-hmm.

Okay, um, back straight.

Bend your knees.

Okay, all right, good.

Now, when you pull back, good, good, good, good.

- Hey, me again.

- Where are you?

If you won the lottery and are traveling the world, at least give me a call first, okay?

So I can cancel our table.

Okay.

Bye.

♪ Good, good, okay, now don't swing yet.

All right, when you come forward, we're going to move with the power of our whole bodies.

- Okay.

- Okay, not just our arms.

And...

♪ Ah, yes!

- I am so good!

- That was incredible.

Who knew I would be so good at golf?

- I certainly didn't.

- Whoo!

- Yeah.

- Fore!

No, no, no, no, not fore, nobody says...

"Fore" is like a warning, like you're going to, your ball is going to hit somebody in the head.

No, I'm pretty sure you say that whenever you feel like saying that.

- That is incorrect.

- Fore!

- It's fun, try it.

- Fore!

- See?

- Yeah, that was really good.