04x06 - Maternity Leave

[bunniefuu]

( phone rings )

Hello?

Amy! How ya been?

Shh. Glenn, the baby just went to sleep.

Oh, yeah. Every day's an adventure, huh?

Hey, did you know that newborn girls can have a mini-period?

That was a surprise.

Glenn, this really is not a good time.

I just got back from the hospital three hours ago; I'm exhausted.

Yeah, uh, yeah, sure. Okay.

Uh, well, we'll just catch up at work.

Okay, I'll see you in six weeks.

Yeah, sure. Or... today.

What?

So, apparently, a person doesn't qualify for leave if they work here under a year.

I know. I've been there 15 years.

Yes, but when you were suspended for... you know...

( quavering )

Um, your clock was started over.

Are you ( bleep ) kidding me?

Look, I'm sorry. I tried to fight it.

But if you don't come in, they are not gonna let me keep your job open.

Okay.

Well, then...

I guess I'll see you soon.

Thanks. And... try to hurry, 'cause technically your shift started an hour ago.

You were supposed to bring in doughnuts.

A lot of people were really angry.

Okay, bye-bye.

( upbeat music )

♪

I can't believe you have to be here two days after having a baby.

It's indicative of the disdain this culture has for working mothers.

Look, I don't even have the energy to be mad.

I'm just exhausted and sore and hormonal, and I'm wearing pajamas, and I'm just a mess.

No, you're not a mess. You're... you know what?

Honestly, you're... you're really beautiful.

You look beautiful right now.

You've got like a... like a post-pregnancy glow.

Aww, that's so sweet.

Do you wanna make out?

No.

It's what I thought.

Rain check, though.

( tablet chiming )

Sandra! Christ. It took you long enough.

I've been dialing for an hour.

Are you still in the hospital?

Yeah, sucks.

I'm hooked up to a catheter.

After a C-section, they don't let you pee on your own.

But number twos? I'm in the driver's seat.

Anyway, ugh, I'm bored. What's going on?

Remember the shopping cart that's missing a wheel?

Well, bad news, it is now missing...

Hey, shh, shh, shut up. Shut up, shut up.

I think that guy behind you is shoplifting.

Really?

Yeah.

You're gonna need to get a better look.

Follow him.

Okay.

Hey, idiot, forgetting something?

Oh, I didn't realize that you...

Yeah.

Right.

( exhales ) Here we go.

Oh, I think I lost him.

( cell phone buzzes )

Dude, is that your mom again?

Oh, yeah. She just has a lot of questions about "Westworld."

Everybody's a robot.

Excuse me, I'm looking for...

Glenn Sturgis.

Mm-hmm.

I have an interview for seasonal work.

My name's Kimmer with a K.

Ah. Is, uh... did you lose your shoes, or...

I don't believe in shoes.

Both: Oh.

Shoes aren't something you believe in.

They exist. That's a fact.

Okay. So, Glenn?

Uh, straight back, left at grocery.

Namaste.

Left... okay, wait, left where...

You want to bet he hires her?

She's not wearing shoes.

Of course he's gonna hire her.

That's such a good idea to just watch him from work.

You're gonna save so much on babysitters.

What? No. Adam's there.

I'm not just gonna leave Parker at home alone all day.

He's not a hamster.

Parker. You named your baby Parker?

Yeah Huh.

Like officially.

I take it you're not fans?

( chuckles )

No.

I love it.

Yeah.

It's so cute.

It's so distinct.

I bet you there's a story there.

Yeah. There's a story there.

Like, some relative who d*ed right before he was born?

Nope, I went to a baby-naming website and saw the name Parker.

Even better story.

Mm, okay, yeah.

That makes sense then.

Parker.

( Warrant's "Cherry Pie" playing )

♪ Sweet cherry pie oh yeah ♪

Do not bring a pretzel salad to Thanksgiving dinner.

Please, Elias.

Hey, Glenn. Uh, so, uh... real quick, you hired that woman Kimmer?

( grunting )

Oh, yeah, she's great.

I know she's still learning, but she is gonna be Employee of the Month in no time.

Just out of curiosity, do you plan on hiring anybody else?

Uh, well, there's one more position to fill, and I'm doing interviews all day.

Oh. Well, you know, 'cause we were thinking that if you were too busy with the baby and stuff you had to do in the store, maybe we could do the interviews.

What, without me?

Well, no, I mean, we wouldn't actually be alone.

'Cause you would be there in the...

You taught us.

The wisdom that you impart.

You know, it's like footprints in the sand.

Oh, yeah.

I was carrying you the whole time.

That's what I'm talking about.

Just like Jesus.

There you go.

Okay, yes. You can do it.

Awesome.

You won't be disappointed.

Great.

I can't believe how you guys have grown up.

Aww.

My boys.

Oh, okay.

My big boys.

Little weird.

I'm gonna call you my big boys from now on.

Oh, don't do that.

I love my big, big boys.

Okay, there it is.

Ugh.

Look, we don't have to impress them.

You don't have to wear a tie.

I never get a chance to wear a tie, so I'm gonna go for it when I can.

Yikes.

Hey, Ames.

Y-you okay?

Yeah, I'm not trying to flatter you or anything, but you look like the homeless lady who sleeps next to the loading dock.

I've never been so tired.

I was doing go-backs, and I couldn't remember where the Toy aisle was.

And then I found it, and I unloaded my cart but then realized that firewood doesn't belong in the Toy aisle.

And then I think I took someone else's cart, because I don't think we think we sell this bag with a wallet and keys and someone's mail in it.

Amy, you're, uh... you...

Are you ( bleep ) kidding me?

She's lactating.

Yeah, I know how breasts work.

Ugh. Parker.

She's just setting that kid up for failure.

Totally.

Sophomore year, there was a girl in my class named Wanda that was getting cyber-bullied.

The guidance counselor was just like, "Uh, yeah", your name's Wanda."

But she's the mom.

So, if you saw a woman b*ating her child, would you say, "She's the mom" and walk away?

Or would you do something about it?

I mean, I would probably do nothing, but I would want to do something.

There is an innocent child whose name is Parker.

Are you just gonna walk away?

Not this time.

Wow, Penny, you have a lot of references.

50. I basically ask anyone I meet.

Hey, can I have a reference?

I'm just kidding.

The thing you have to understand about me is, I have a great sense of humor.

Seems it.

You do have a lot of retail experience.

Oh, no. Everything on that resume is a lie.

( laughs ) I'm kidding.

You two should've seen your faces.

You don't really have an off switch, do you, Penny?

I don't!

But I did work at a PDQ Mart for two years I'm not afraid of hard work.

Kind of a work horse. ( Neighs )

( laughs )

We'll let you know.

Oh, could you actually let me know today?

I have another job offer.

"An offer I can't refuse."

I also do impressions.

We're gonna pass.

Yeah, big-time pass.

Just a medium-sized pass.

Hey Glenn, can I pump in here?

The bathroom is disgusting.

Oh, you wanna pump your... you want to pump them in here?

Yeah, if that's okay.

Yeah, of course it's okay.

Why wouldn't it be okay?

I'm not a monster.

Great.

I'll, uh, just get out of here and make room for you.

And you can take off your shirt and your bra and get down to it.

That's how it works, yup.

Oh, I'll just clear some room for you.

No, that's not necessary.

I'm just gonna sit and... No, no, it's- it's my pleasure.

Okay.

It's just kind of a pressing situation.

Yeah, no, I got it.

It's full, and...

I get it, I get it.

( humming )

( sighs ) Just...

Okay, here I go.

( quavering ) Okay.

Oh, wait, hey!

Why don't you use the lactation room?

We have a lactation room?

This is a utility closet.

No, no. It's more of a multipurpose room.

I mean, come on, you put some flowers in here and some candles, and it'll be great.

Thanks.

Yeah.

Heather, your grandmother's cameo is not a part of our dress code.

Elias, get your fingers out of your mouth and wash your hands.

Soap and water, not just a rinse!

Oh, man, I don't think this is working.

Yeah, I'm glad you said that.

I haven't been able to pee or take lunch...

Here's what we're gonna do.

I need you to get 12 machine-grade rebars and some barrel bolts.

Now, Henry has a welding torch in his locker.

He'll deny that it's there, but it's there.

Okay.

Get the 8-inch rebars, not the 12-inch. Do you understand me?

I understand.

I don't think you do.

( upbeat music )

So which chair should I sit in?

Oh, whichever.

♪

So, um, tell us what your greatest strength is.

My greatest strength, I guess, would be strength.

Strength?

Physical strength.

Okay, and what would your greatest weakness be?

I guess... b*ll*ts?

b*ll*ts. Good.

Okay, so why don't you tell us a little bit about yourself?

Well, Jonah. Garret.

What I hear you asking me is, you want me to tell you about myself.

Would you say that's correct?

Yes, that's what I said.

I'm just gonna sit in this one.

That's fine.

Unless it's the wrong chair.

Are you sure you don't want to go to the bathroom?

I said I'm fine. I'm fine.

Just go ahead. Just go ahead. Here.

( coughing )

Okay.

So...

( both coughing )

♪

That's an interesting tattoo.

♪

I like to play tennis.

Sure, who doesn't like to play tennis?

It's a ( bleep ) job interview.

Did you look at yourself in the mirror before you came here?

Pick the chair next to the grizzly, it says courage.

Pick the chair near the aisle, says you want to run away.

Just pick a damn chair.

♪

Boom!

Sorry, that's the wrong chair.

So close.

Oh, um, I'm in here.

Oh, I'm sorry.

But this is where I come to pray.

Um, okay, well, could you maybe come back later?

Actually, Allah is pretty strict on time.

He can't wait ten minutes?

You think?

Okay, I'm sorry. Proceed.

Keep going.

Allahu Akbar.

( speaking Arabic )

( muzak playing softly )

( grunting )

( crash )

♪

God, these people are all terrible.

Maybe Glenn really was getting the cream of the crop.

( sighs ) Well, that's a real paradigm shift.

You know, it might be rose-colored glasses, but I kinda like that Penny girl.

She was great. And funny.

We should've hired her.

Then why did you say no?

'Cause you told me not to.

No, I didn't.

Yeah, you did.

You said it, like, with your eyes.

You gave me that look, like no way.

My eyes don't say stuff.

I don't have expressive eyes.

Well, great, then, you know.

We let the single best candidate we have take another job.

All right, what about s*x offender guy?

I mean, do we know what he did?

I mean, maybe it wasn't even that bad.

Maybe he just, like, peed in the park or something.

Oh, I... I looked it up. It...

It wasn't that.

As you know, we love the name Parker.

Ugh, love it so much.

And we found out a few fun, interesting facts that we thought you might want to know.

Did you know that the name Parker literally translates to "park keeper," so in other words, a homeless person.

Sleep on the streets.

I don't know that anybody's making that connection.

Not to your face they won't.

The name Parker also brings to mind the snobby, rich, evil character in an '80s movie.

Hey, nerds. I'm Parker.

And I'm gonna throw you guys in a Dumpster.

Yeah.

But Mateo, what about Parker Posey?

Look, Penny, we want you.

You're the only person we want.

Well, that sounds great, but I already told the plasma donation center I would start Monday.

What?

Oh, no.

You don't want to do that. Those guys are dicks.

They're never gonna value you the way we do.

Mm-hmm.

When you're here, you're family.

Aww.

Well, that is... that is Olive Garden, but we are a family.

Come on, Penny.

We know you want to say yes.

♪ Oh, I'm workin', workin' workin' workin ♪
♪ Workin' ♪

( grunting )

♪ Yes, I'm dancin', dancin' dancin' dancin' ♪
♪ Dannncing ♪

So, this is who you guys hired, huh?

That's an interesting choice.

Oh! Hey, guys.

Uh-oh, she spotted us.

Who wants to rhumba?

Oh, no.

( sighs ) With coupons, you save $12.

Sorry. Hormonal.

I had a baby two days ago.

The chip-reader's broken.

It's broken.

( sobs )

( whimpering )

The flames are burning my eyes!

Well then, don't look at the flame.

I feel like the sparks are coming in through the holes.

Ow! Ow, ow.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Excuse me.

Coming through.

Chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga choo-choo!

Go-back express coming through!

I find her extremely annoying, but that is what a train sounds like.

Oddly realistic.

Excuse me, ah, are you guys still doing interviews for seasonal help?

Unfortunately, the last spot has been filled.

Ah! Sucks.

Got caught up in a flame w*r with some guy on "Fortnite."

Totally lost track of time.

I know what that's like.

Well, here's my resume.

Ignore the useless philosophy degree.

I guess you can keep it on file or throw it away as soon as I walk out of here.

I'll never know.

Uh, hey, there... there's nothing on here I should know about, like a swastika tattoo or something, right?

No.

Good.

That's perfect. Yeah, you're cool, dude.

Thanks, guys. I, um... feel like your bar is a little bit low, but uh, feels really nice to hear.

If you need anyone, just give me a call.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Go back. Pick up.

Any go-backs for robot truck?

No.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

I hate her.

She's the worst.

I hate to complain, but that machine is so noisy.

I'll feel like I'm praying on the wings of an airplane.

Well, there's no volume button, so...

It's just that when I make my...

This is the sound it makes, Sayid!

Okay. Okay.

You're f*ring me?

But I already turned down the other job.

You said we were a family.

Yeah, we did, and we are, but families split up. Happens all the time.

And sometimes dads burn down their homes 'cause they can't handle the pressure.

I mean, that's... that's sad.

Wow.

There you go.

I...

Just...

Just...

Just...

Don't do this, Penny.

No, I don't know what that cry means, Adam.

No, do not put him on the phone.

Parker, put your father on the ph...

( sighs ) You don't know what that means.

Mommy loves you. I'll see you soon. Bye.

Hey. Amy?

( sighs ) Yeah.

You okay?

No, Glenn. I'm not okay.

I am dealing with a lot today.

I know, you are, and I felt terrible about it, so I got you a pick-me-up.

It's a collection of bath bombs.

Sorry, you think that a bath b*mb is the answer to all of my problems?

It's not a real b*mb, and...

Just k*ll yourself!

What?

k*ll yourself!

Amy...

No, you don't get to talk right now!

I am so tired!

I have slept 90 minutes in three days.

The lining of my uterus is coming out in clumps.

I have hemorrhoids so big that my doctor looked at my ( bleep ) and said "Whoa!"

Have you ever had a doctor look at your ( bleep ) and say that?

( softly ) No.

I am wearing frozen diapers so that my ( bleep ) doesn't fall out.

Okay?!

I know, I was just...

Why haven't you k*lled yourself?!

Okay, well, um...

I am gonna do some paperwork in my car.

Okay.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Are you filming? Delete that.

Delete that!

I probably shouldn't have told Glenn to k*ll himself.

Probably not.

It's not like I thought this was gonna be easy.

I just didn't think it was gonna be this hard.

I'm on day two and I have nothing left to give.

Aren't you gonna tell me some inspiring story about how you made it through Shakespeare camp without a dialect coach or something?

We were a scrappy, rag-tag group but in the end, we really tamed that shrew.

There it is.

Honestly, I don't really have any advice.

I've never done anything remotely as hard as what you're doing.

I'm sorry if that doesn't make you feel any better.

Weirdly it kind of does.

Hey, Amy, it's about that time.

Mm. He's not wrong.

He prays, I pump. It's a thing.

It's not a thing. Whose thing is that?

Now, if you're looking for a lighter tea, you might want to go the oolong route.

Yup, there... yup, no, you're on it.

You're on it. You're on it.

But of course, if you're looking for something a little bit more intense, may I suggest the Earl Grey?

Nope, upper shelf. Top shelf. Yup, there it is. Yeah.

Now, actually, you're gonna want to get one of the ones from the back.

The back tea is always fresher.

That's a little tip for you.

We re-stocked the back.

Now, give that a smell.

You're gonna smell the bergamot that's just risen to the top of the box.

I mean, that is delicious.

Hey, Glenn.

I just want to apologize.

I'm sorry. I should not have unloaded on you like that.

That wasn't fair.

I can't believe that I ever thought a bath b*mb would solve all your problems.

( laughs )

I mean, a bath b*mb.

I was so far off.

Yeah.

You were.

So I got you a puppy.

What? Wh-how...

Glenn, I...

Aww.

Can't...

I know. There are no words.

Thank you.

( whispers ) You're welcome.

That's exactly what I need.

I know.

Bye, whatever your name's gonna be.

Oh, look at that.

Putting the products back on the shelf without punching or kicking them.

You're way ahead of the other seasonals.

Thank you, thank you. My parents will be so proud.

Yeah. ( Chuckles )

You guys mind if I take five? Just gotta pee.

Oh, yeah, go for it.

See you soon, man.

Thanks.

I like him.

I really like him.

You know what? It just goes to show you put in the work, you kiss a bunch of frogs, eventually you're gonna find your prince.

Lonnie is our prince.

Yeah. You know what? I was gonna go needle in a haystack, but I'm in such a good mood, I'll go along with your metaphor.

Lonnie's urinating on the floor.

Yeah, that is what's happening.

( Sighs ) Whew. All right.