04x22 - Employee Appreciation Day

[bunniefuu]

Does anybody know what today is?

( gasps ) Your birthday?

All: Oh.

Happy birthday, Amy.

All: ♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

No.

Happy birthday, Amy!

May you live for another 45.

I am not 45, and it's not my birthday.

It's Employee Appreciation Day!

Whoo! Everybody get psyched!

What is Employee Appreciation Day?

It's symbolic.

I think it's a holiday in Canada.

Nope, it's our way of saying thank you for all the amazing work you do every day.

This store could not function without you guys.

I mean, not you specifically, obviously, but labor of some sort.

Aww.

It's weird how Employee Appreciation Day always seems to fall right around when people are filling out their union cards.

Mm.

Anyway, we're gonna have little special surprises all day long.

We've got ice cream...

all: Ooh.

We've got a masseuse...

all: Ooh.

And we've got Cloud 9 Frisbees for the kids.

And for those of you who wanna join the union, we've got collective bargaining rights, higher wages, and job security.

Sorry, for the massages, should we be in, like, a towel or just totally buck naked?

Neither, fully clothed.

Clothed for the ice cream too?

Yes, everybody keep their clothes on.

It's ridiculous how often I have to say that.

Speaking of clothes, who wants a free T-shirt?

Ooh.

( all yelping )

( glass shatters )

You missed me.

( upbeat music )

♪

( laid-back music )

Attention shoppers, today is Employee Appreciation Day, and all of our associates are getting free ice cream.

So if you're wondering why everything's sticky, that's one of the reasons.

Have you tried the Cloud 9 Corporate sundae?

What it is, is they give you a very, very tiny bit of ice cream with nothing on top and then you just have to take it.

No, actually, I tried the Union Surprise.

It's every flavor you could ever want and every topping you could ever dream of, but then they shut down the store and fire you, and you get nothing.

It's probably not a popular flavor.

I can't believe you're siding with corporate.

Jonah, what do you want me to do?

I want you to say ( bleep ) corporate and be on our side.

They will shut down the store. You know that.

So we'll get other stores involved. They can't shut us all down.

Oh, okay, so now you're leading a nationwide movement?

If not now, when?

Literally any other time.

Just not right when I finally have a job that pays well and has a future.

Okay, so this is about you saving your job?

Yeah, and everybody else's.

I mean, you might have nothing to lose, but a lot of us can't just say "( bleep ) corporate," and risk everything, because Jonah needs a cause to fight for.

You guys fighting?

No.

We're fine.

Guys, don't fight.

Yeah, that definitely looks infected.

I have to sleep face down with a wet towel on my back.

This massage is gonna be t*rture.

Maybe you shouldn't get a massage.

It's a free massage.

I can't wait for union health care.

Did you know if you tell them you have "migraines," they cover Botox?

My cousin went to Mexico, and they injected cement into her face.

Still in there.

You can hear it rattle when she talks.

So, you guys are all thinking about joining, huh?

It's just that, like, I don't a union giving out free ice cream and Frisbees, you know.

Yeah, but they give out other stuff.

The teachers at my high school unionized, and now there's literally nothing they can do to get them fired.

Like, Mr. Lackman's still there, and he's married to a sophomore.

I dated a Teamster, and he gets, like, seven paid lunches a day.

Seems pretty cool to me.

If your skin was rotting, you would smell it, right?

♪ You can't hurry love ♪
♪ No, you'll just have to wait ♪
♪ She said, "Love don't come easy... ♪"

Hey, the whole store is signing union cards.

What?

Yeah.

The cleaning crew thought they were signing birthday cards, but the signatures still count.

Then once Marcus went union, all the warehouse guys followed him.

They actually consider him to be a leader, which I think is the most disturbing part of all of this.

Well, we gotta do something. What do we do?

I don't know. Show an anti-union video.

No, those videos are so dumb.

Yeah. Okay, what else could we do?

Cloud 9, a great place to shop and a great place to work.

Everybody wants to be here, including unions.

( scoffs )

So, when you were...

Shh.

People are trying to watch.

But before you decide, there are...

Studies show that employees at a non-union facility are more engaged and happier.

Yeah! Don't try to come between me and Cloud 9.

That's my bae.

Well said.

Not sure who I feel about this new MC Cool Cloud.

Yeah, there's something profoundly disturbing about seeing a two-dimensional cartoon character in three dimensions.

Like with "The Peanuts Movie."

I had no idea that Charlie Brown was a bald child with a deformed head.

It's like a bruised apple.

I know.

No union better mess with my family.

Oh, MC Cool Cloud, you're gonna be the best dad.

Whoa!

What?!

( murmuring )

I'm sorry, did MC Cool Cloud just impregnate a human?

I think he did.

Okay, does anybody have any thoughts about the video?

I mean, I'm a little disappointed.

I thought you were showing us "Paddington."

Uh, no, I never said...

I also heard it was gonna be "Paddington."

I don't know where these "Paddington" rumors got started.

I thought it was a one-sided, fear-mongering piece of corporate propaganda.

Well, nobody asked your opinion, so...

Oh, I thought you did when you said, "Does anybody have any thoughts on this video?"

Well, I found it interesting to learn that unions actually limit communication.

Good point, Dina.

It's like when you have a problem, do you wanna be able to come straight to me or do you wanna have to go through some shop steward like in the video?

Definitely you. That guy was a d*ck.

Where do I know him from?

Oh, he's in that rheumatoid arthritis commercial where he can't pick up his grandkids and he's sad.

Oh, yeah, and then the dog drops the ball at his feet, and he just shakes his head like, "Can't do it, buddy."

Aww.

So, if you can just help us with our problems, my hours keep getting cut, and I don't make a livable wage.

Well, I do help you with that, because I pay the rent.

All: Oh!

Oh, snap.

This is definitely better than "Paddington."

♪ I want you to love me ♪
♪ When I feel down ♪

( goat bleats )

♪ I want you to... ♪

All I'm saying is that unions aren't always right, and corporate isn't always wrong.

That's not what you said when they made you come back to work two days after having a baby.

Yeah, you were livin' la vida pissed.

I bet you get maternity leave now, though.

Oh, yeah, there's a really great plan for managers.

This isn't about me.

I'm never getting pregnant again, so...

Sure, but other people might be... wait, never?

I don't know.

I mean, I don't know where this is going, but...

I just-I haven't thought about it.

Yeah, I haven't thought about it either, but it's a conversation we should have at some point.

At some point, Jonah, not this point.

Livin' la vida awkward.

So you thought, "That first one k*lled."

I'm gonna go back to that well."

I don't understand the obsession with procreation.

The whole planet's got, like, maybe ten years left.

Just enjoy it.

Well, I care about maternity leave.

I'm not pregnant, but I am in a relationship that's going very well, and we don't use protection.

Cut the crap, Sandra.

I know you're sleeping with Jerry.

What?

Whoa.

What?

I... I...

You broke the coin flip?

Why do we even have laws?

I guess Amy's not the only hypocrite in the room.

Me? Why am I a hypocrite?

Because you're siding with the enemy.

Corporate is not the enemy.

Okay, and where are we with the union stuff at 1217?

Well, assuming they petition the NLRB, we'll get legal into it.

Good, keep me in the loop on that.

Keep me in the loop on that too.

Okay, Jeff.

And then it's all about slowing down their momentum.

We're running background checks on all the floor workers; we've authorized ICE to do a worksite enforcement.

We're trying to isolate the agitators.

ICE? You're bringing in ICE?

Wow, that's, uh, that's extreme.

Yeah, Jeff, that's why we're doing it.

It's extreme.

We're also starting a group called Working Families of Cloud 9 that I think...

I have to go to the bathroom.

( clears throat )

You can just go. You don't have to announce it.

Okay, it's diarrhea, so I'm probably gonna be gone for a while.

He makes me uncomfortable.

♪ One, two, princes kneel before you ♪
♪ That's what I said now ♪
♪ Princes, Princes who adore you ♪
♪ Just go ahead now ♪
♪ One has diamonds... ♪

I don't understand how Jerry is the man in the middle.

Am I picturing the right guy?

He's not trying to be sexy, and that's what makes him sexy.

( phone buzzes )

( scoffs ) Jeff again.

It's, like, the fifth time in a row.

I honestly feel like calling someone is one of the worst things you can do to them.

I know, right?

( phone ringing )

( sighs )

Hey, Jeff.

Hey... oh, Amy.

Thank God.

You know, you don't always have to use video when you call.

I like video. Is Mateo working today?

Yep.

Listen, you have to get him out of the store right now.

Mateo! Mateo!

ICE is coming! Isn't it "winter is coming"?

Did you guys see the finale?

Nobody spoil it. I've never watched the show.

No, I mean ICE, Immigration. They're coming right now.

Oh, my God!

You have to leave.

Oh, my God.

Wait, what?

You knew? Why didn't you tell me?

It's not my secret. It's Mateo's secret.

You told Jonah? I thought that was between us.

You told Marcus too?

Wait, did you tell him before you told me?

You shouldn't tell so many people.

Is there anybody else you didn't tell or just me?

Hey, guys.

( intimidating music )

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I gotta go.

♪

Ooh, do you want your ice cream, Mateo?

Attention Cloud 9 employees: were you born in a foreign country?

Have you overstayed a visa or did you cross the border illegally?

Well, today is not your lucky day, because ICE is here.

So stay tuned, because you can't leave.

I like to add a little color in the announcements.

Fun for everybody.

There are two guards on the loading dock.

Yeah, same with the side door.

Oh, God, we're trapped.

Guys, what about this?

You hide in here with a bunch of mannequins.

Then if ICE looks in, all they see is a bunch of arms and legs.

That's your brilliant plan, me hiding in a trash compactor?

What if somebody pushes the button?

Oh, I could tape up a sign that says, "Please don't operate trash compactor."

No. No, they'd notice that.

It's the fact that only an idiot would hide inside a working trash compactor that plays in our favor.

Maybe we could hide you up on the roof.

And then what?

Well, and then, you know... phase two.

( alarm blaring )

Whoa.

Sorry, my fingers are still greasy from a salami rollup.

Don't worry. I'll reset this, you'll get in.

It's gonna be fine.

Here I have my refugee identity certificate, my social security card, driver's license, electric bills proving my residence.

That's fine. That's fine.

And here are pictures of me at the block party in my mostly white neighborhood.

As you can see, everybody's smiling.

The community is embracing me.

So, uh, what's the process here?

Everyone should just go about business as usual while we run the socials through the database.

If we spot any illegals, we'll let you know.

Well, I don't think we have any illegals working here.

Well, you never can tell. They look just like you and me.

Well, you.

Ha-ha.

What happened?

They're going through payroll now.

I don't know how long it's gonna take, but we have to get Mateo out now.

Not sure how happy corporate's gonna be about you doing that.

Well, ( bleep ) corporate. I'm done.

Welcome back.

♪ Keep me down ♪
♪ I get knocked down, but I get up again ♪
♪ You're never gonna keep me down ♪
♪ I get knocked... ♪

Obviously, we're not gonna just let them take Mateo, so somebody come up with something.

There are no bad ideas.

What about if we get...

Okay, Sandra.

Could you just stop it with the wigs, please?

Thank you.

Okay, guys... guys.

I actually think I have something here.

"In the event of an ICE enforcement action, anyone who may be in violation of U.S. immigration law should immediately present themselves to an officer for evaluation."

This is from ICE.gov.

Super helpful.

Screw it. You can live with me.

I've been living in a small utility room in the back of the store for several months.

All: What?

I bathe at night in the employee bathroom, and I pee in jars.

Ew.

Why wouldn't you just pee in the bathroom?

'Cause I've been peeing in jars.

I would love to not spend the rest of my life living with you in a hole in the back of the store, but thank you.

You're welcome.

Okay, hiding Mateo in the store won't work anyway.

They have sniffer dogs, infrared scanners.

They bust through windows, kick down doors, come down through the ceiling...

I mean, it's weird.

Their entire job is just an exercise in walls being useless.

Okay, so what are you suggesting, Dina?

That we just hand Mateo over to ICE?

I mean, no offense to Mateo, but technically, he did commit a crime.

( indistinct chatter )

I'm just saying, if you get caught sneaking into a movie, they don't let you stay for the rest of the movie.

It depends how much of the movie you've watched.

Yeah, and what the movie is.

It's the greatest movie you'll ever see.

It's called America.

Oh, "Ride Along 2" is in my top ten, easy.

What if your parents brought you to the movie through no fault of your own?

Well, you'd still get kicked out.

I mean, yeah. Okay.

What if you were born in the movie theater?

All right, why don't we take a break from this metaphor?

Yes, please.

Guys, let's not forget that Jesus was an immigrant from heaven.

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

And he had to go home too, and it was not a fun trip.

Plus, it could not have been easy being a white guy in the Middle East.

What if we let you get deported and then you can just come back legally like Sayid?

Yeah, what was that application process like?

Well, my country was in a civil w*r.

I applied for refugee status and waited two years for background checks while all my friends either d*ed or fled persecution.

Sorry, I meant literally what was the application like?

Did you do it online or was it a snail mail situation?

Snail mail.

Oof, brutal.

I know.

We can paint your vest the same color as your sweater, so it'd make you look like you're a customer.

Oh, we could just take off his vest.

That's basically what I just pitched.

Guys, that wouldn't work.

They're checking all the customers' IDs before they leave.

I mean, if the store was more crowded, we could try and slip him out, but there are, like, six customers here today.

Wait, what if we made it more crowded?

Just, like, pack the store with people and then slipped him out.

You know what, if we hit up everyone we know, we could fill up the store pretty quick.

Some of those people could wear wigs if they wanted to.

Sandra!

Okay, well, this is the best plan we've got.

So everybody call everyone they've ever known.

Friends, family, whoever, just get them here ASAP.

Actually, most of my friends live in Manhattan, so I don't think they'll make it on time.

Yeah, okay. That's fine.

They're in fashion. Mostly, they work in fashion.

Guys, "ICE" on three. One, two...

Why would we cheer for ICE?

I don't know, guys.

I'm sick of always having to be the fun one.

Let's just... let's do this.

Wow, when everyone calls their friends, this place really fills up.

Yeah, I called Jerusha, but she's busy.

She's doing a fundraiser to buy Pastor Craig a second airplane.

Ugh, I wish all my friends didn't live in Manhattan.

Thank you for coming.

Of course.

I'm always gonna be here for you.

You're the best.

You're the best.

No, you're the best.

I hate to say this because they're close friends of mine, but they're both human traffickers.

If you check her locker, there's evidence.

Okay, we have to spread out the chaos.

Heather, if you could grab all of your basketball friends and go block the guy in pharmacy.

And, um... oh, Marcus. Take all your friends...

My bro squad.

Yeah, whatever, and go swarm bedding.

Bro out.

And... oh, Kelly. You... Kelly!

What are you doing here?

Oh, Jonah called me.

Oh.

We said to call everyone.

I brought a bunch of people from the Fenton store.

Oh, great. Awesome.

Good.

Uh, I just... I guess I didn't realize you two were still in touch.

I mean, you know, we check in.

We do too.

No, we don't.

'Cause I don't have your number.

Okay, great. Cool, very cool.

Glad to have you on the team.

If you could just grab all your... so were these, like, texts or phone calls?

Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter.

Whoa. ( Clicks tongue )

Nice piece, dog.

What is it, like a Cougar Magnum?

It's a Glock.

Oh, nice.

Very nice. Could I try sh**ting that?

My g*n? No.

Mm-mm. Oh, watch out!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoop, whoop, whoop!

We didn't have any that said "Make America Great Again."

The closest I could find was "Fart Police."

Ugh, I'm just gonna wear this one.

How do I look?

Great.

I'm gonna miss working with you.

Chey, relax. I'm gonna get out.

Yeah, but even if you do make it out, you can't come back now that they know.

Oh. Uh... yeah, of course.

Obviously... that would be the case.

♪ And the oh, oh, oh's they haunt me ♪
♪ Like ghosts they want me to make... ♪

And then at one pageant, we heard this girl gagging in the bathroom.

And we're all like, "Guess we know how" she stays so slim."

Turns out, an actual strangler had broken into the building and was straight up trying to m*rder her.

Well, she managed to fight him off with a hot curling iron and an eyebrow pencil.

( laughs )

She came in second.

So, the guy we're looking for is named Mateo Fernando Aquino Liwanag.

Liwanag?

Yeah, it sounds Swedish.

Or Latvian.

Mateo could be Mexican.

Hey, you know what?

There is a guy here named Mark. Maybe you're looking for him.

No, it's not Mark.

It's Mateo, and it says that he has worked here for four years.

Well, I'm sorry. I know everyone who has ever worked here, and I have never heard that name.

( sighs ) Okay.

Thanks.

So, who's this?

What the hell?

Um, that... I... have never seen that picture before.

Feels like I'm in a horror movie.

Okay, just act natural.

I'm trying to, but I forgot how to walk.

Oh, and now I forget.

I think we're doing it right.

Okay.

You're doing it.

There you are!

They know about you.

Both: What?

They saw your picture. They know what you look like.

We have to go now.

Okay, well, where do we go?

I don't know.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Okay, listen to me very carefully.

I'll get you out of there.

Uh... repeat.

You've got agents coming your way from menswear and electronics.

Make a left at aisle nine, and we'll lose them in grocery.

Thank you, Dina.

Go, now!

You ever find yourself in a situation where you're dating a girl and you realize she's, like, an immigrant or whatever, and you gotta choose between your love and your country?

Hasn't come up.

Ah.

You'd choose love, though. Yeah, I can tell.

I know your type.

Okay, keep walking.

Come on.

All right, when you hit the end of the aisle, you're gonna need to head due west.

Where?

Left or right, Dina?

Left! Due west runs diagonally through the store from camping to customer service.

How do you not know that?

Left.

Okay.

( exciting percussive music )

Oh.

Hey!

Oh!

Oh, ( bleep ), there's someone.

Run!

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on!

Run!

They're heading north through housewares.

Get out of there! Go! Go now!

So, everyone knows now?

Everyone knows.

Do you wanna get married?

Okay.

( both laugh )

Okay, you guys need to keep going straight through Bath & Beauty.

And we're gonna try and make it all the way to the end of the garden section, all right?

Go, go, go!

♪

Go, go, go!

Did you know that the capital of Panama is Panama?

I can rap the entire Central American countries.

I did it once for a talent competition.

♪ México D.F., México ♪
♪ Guatemala, Guatemala ♪
♪ Tegucigalpa, Honduras ♪
♪ San Salvador, El Salvador ♪
♪ San José, Costa Rica ♪
♪ Panamá, Panamá ♪

Go!

This way. Go, go, go!

Wait, wait, wait.

No, wait, stop!

Stop! Reverse course, turn around!

Okay, new plan.

Just make it to pharmacy. You can hide out...

No, no, wait. Turn around.

Turn around, go back. Go back the other way.

You could lose them in housewares, I think.

Just book it!

Okay? Book it to the end!

This one. Go down here, down here.

Stop, stop, stop! No, wait, stop!

There's, like, 20 guys coming that way.

What?

No, stop! Stop, stop!

Now there's another one! There's... hold on!

Hold on.

Dina, just tell us where to go.

Okay, hang on. Just wait.

Wait! I don't... I don't know.

They're... they're everywhere.

What?

I'm sorry.

No!

It's okay.

Okay, there's a vent up there.

We can climb up on the thing and...

Or we can create a diversion and take off our tops while you go run.

Yes, let's do that.

Guys.

Stop, stop, guys!

( sighs )

It's okay.

It's over.

( "Homegrown" by Haux )

♪ Into the dark ♪
♪ I found it by the lake ♪
♪
♪ We were so close ♪
♪ I couldn't bare to weight ♪
♪
♪ You were a shadow ♪
♪ And I left you in the shade ♪
♪
♪ I was still running ♪

What do we do now?

I mean, we have to fight this.

How?

No idea.

♪
♪ Cut to the fallout ♪
♪ That silenced all our words ♪
♪
♪ I was still fighting ♪

Wanna start a union?

♪