03x06 - Health Fund

[bunniefuu]

Oh.

Mateo, we get it.

Okay, I can't help it.

I have an ear infection.

You know, whenever I get one of those, I put a little garlic oil in my ear.

It takes away the sting, and you get to smell like the Pope.

I'm telling you, a little VapoRub on a Q-tip and...

Again with the VapoRub.

It's a miracle drug!

Oh, why don't you go to a doctor?

Our deductible is $4,000, so no.

We don't have the best health insurance.

I get ear infections all the time, okay?

It will go away.

I've had cavity for over a year.

I just put a little candle wax in it to hold me over until I win the lottery.

That's horrifying.

It's not so bad once the nerve is dead.

You got to rub breast milk on it.

Breast milk helps anything.

The problem is just finding breast milk.

Why would you go looking for breast milk when we have VapoRub right here in the store?

Yeah, or root beer.

A root beer fixes everything.

Gallstones, pinkeye.

It'll clean your toilet.

It's kind of the perfect food.

You need antibiotics, not useless home remedies.

Says the guy who drinks apple cider vinegar every morning.

No, no.

That's good.

That has, um...

It's...

I'm gonna look up the article.

Okay, you can use some of mine.

- Oh...

- It's a bug repellant, It heals cuts.

My grandma's using it - to shrink her moles.

- Well your grandma's a moron.

Well the moles are shrinking, Dina, so who's the moron?

You don't mess with moles.

You see a doctor.

I recently had one removed.

Sounds like someone's had some work done.

That's very Beverly Hills of you.

Uh, no, Glenn, it was a melanoma, and we caught it early so guess who has two thumbs and is cancer free.

Everybody but Dale.

Enzymes...

Apple cider vinegar has good enzymes.

We appreciate your patience.

Please state your reason for requesting a dermatologist.

Uh, I have a mole on my, um...

You know.

I didn't get that.

Yeah, I'm not comfortable talking to a lady.

Is there a male robot I could talk to?

I didn't get that.

It's on my bathing suit area.

I didn't get that.

Could I just make an appointment?

Please.

The next appointment with a dermatologist is...

June 17, 2018.

That's six months away.

If you are finished with your call please press five or hang up.

Please hold for a quick survey.

Oh, okay.

Oh, hey, what sounds more like a real charity, The Mateo Project, or the Liwanag League?

This is crazy.

We shouldn't have to invent a charity every single time an employee needs money to see a doctor.

The Mateo Project.

Really?

I think the Liwanag League.

I mean, scrambling to pull money together whenever somebody gets sick?

That's...

That's inhuman.

Would love to get people to pony up before we get sick, but planning ahead just really isn't our style.

No, you were right, Mateo Project.

Wait, no, that's actually a really good idea.

If we all contribute a little bit of money every month, we could create our own health fund.

Oh, my God.

Jonah.

That's amazing.

Right?

You just did it.

You...

You solved healthcare.

- I mean...

- Okay.

So many brilliant minds have tried before you and they couldn't, and then here you are...

- Okay.

- Jonah the working class savant with a few business school credits.

Jonah, where are you going?

Together we could solve immigration.

Are you out of your mind?

I can't give you meds without a prescription.

I could lose my license, go to jail.

Okay, sorry.

Calm down.

Uh, yeah, buddy.

I can hook you up.

So, you looking to get wasted or just a nice clean high?

Um, just...

antibiotics.

A.B.'s, old school, I feel you.

The thing about pills is they're so tiny, they're hard to keep track of.

Sometimes I miscount.

So bad.

Okeydoke, let's see what I can throw your way.

Lipitor, Lipitor, Lipitor.

You know, what the hell?

Does that look like Oxy or a SweeTart to you?

I don't know.

I don't know.

That's a headscratcher.

Mm.

Oh, here we go.

- Expired amoxicillin.

- Okay.

Perfect.

- Gotcha.

- Thank you.

- How much do I owe you?

- What?

Are you crazy?

You don't just hand me the money.

Behind the Just for Men.

Medium Dark Brown.

Okay.

Oh.

That was Oxy.

Hey, howdy-do.

Any room at the inn for a fella with a PB and J minus the PB?

Sure.

We were just talking about how my boyfriend Jerry's doing.

- Oh.

- He has a vegetal growth on his teeth due to the coma, and uh...

Hey, remember how before we were talking about melanomas.

How do you know if a mole is one of those?

Well, there's lots of warning signs.

Is it getting bigger?

Sometimes it gets bigger.

Sometimes it gets smaller...

depending on factors.

Sounds suspicious.

You want me to take a look?

Definitely not.

Besides, I got a doctor's appointment in six months so...

Oh, I wouldn't wait.

If it's cancer and they catch it early, it's just a simple surgery.

But the longer you wait, they got to cut deeper and deeper and deeper till essentially there's nothing left.

Don't eat it!

Ow.

So instead of relying on the jar method, we would each contribute 20 bucks a month, and then the fund grows, and then we pay it out...

Slow your roll.

This sounds like a pyramid scheme.

Guys, this is not a pyramid scheme, okay?

A pyramid scheme needs to recruit.

This...

what's...

this is...

Technically, this is recruiting, but...

Oh, I think this is going really well.

Well I smell socialism, and we all know where that leads.

High literacy rates, low infant mortality, increased quality of life, fjords.

Uh, no, the government watching us on the toilet.

Hey, guys, look.

I know that this idea seems really not well thought out and that it's totally naive.

That's all I wanted to say.

Thank you, Amy.

I actually think it sounds like a really good idea.

All right.

Thank you.

You know what, I'm in too.

If it is a pyramid scheme, at least I will be on the top ahead of all these suckers.

That is sound logic, Marcus.

You know what, keep them coming.

Spread the word.

The more the merrier.

Sorry it's so damp.

Thank you.

Wait, so nobody thinks that this is problematic?

_ Oh, my God.

What are you doing here?

Uh, you told me to stop by for my review.

Yeah, well, now's not a good time, so come back later.

Okay.

So excited about this.

I can finally get my inhaler.

Oh.

I'm glad it all worked out.

I just couldn't put the money together before.

I reduced my shifts because of Jerry, and I had to pay to put one of my cats down.

She ate one of my other cats.

Well, I don't know what to say to that, but I'm glad that it all worked out with the inhaler.

Thanks.

- Oh.

- Oh.

All right.

God, it feels good to help, you know.

Word must be getting around.

Yeah, you're a real saint.

Hey, I'm gonna need you to clean the men's room.

Someone dumped chili in the urinal.

You know what I mean though?

To like actually accomplish something, even when the haters are calling you naive.

- Mm-hmm.

- I wonder if this is how Obama felt when he passed Obamacare.

A lot of people still hate Obama.

- Thanks for taking a look.

- Yeah, sure.

Yes.

I'm sorry, this is so awkward.

Here, this will help, I'm sure.

What...

what are you doing?

I'm making you less self-conscious.

No, you don't have to do that.

- Hey, it's my pleasure.

- No, I...

really rather you didn't.

Oh, is that a fact.

Well and I'm so hideous you couldn't possibly - look at my rig, is that it?

- No, I just...

You think your penis is better than mine?

- No, I...

- Go on, look at it.

- Look at it.

- I don't want to.

Do me a kindness, Glenn, and look at my penis.

Do it.

- Sorry.

- Yeah.

Me too.

I'm excited to get my cholesterol checked.

Last time was ten years ago, and it was over 300.

And I have not improved my diet.

I wish we had this in place when I fell.

I had to have all of this...

done at a vet.

Yeah, Jonah's pretty smart, huh?

Well, I mean, it wasn't really that big of a deal.

We were just discussing our healthcare situation, and we came up with it.

Oh, so you helped him think of it?

No.

No, no, no, Jonah is definitely the one who took the ball and ran with it.

I'm just the one who like...

I don't know...

like invented the ball or whatever.

I know what this is.

You're going through a divorce.

Now Jonah's being the mother bear that you usually are.

Plus, the divorce.

- No, that's not what I...

- Guys.

Play along.

She needs this.

- You did it.

- Oh, my God, thank you.

- No.

- See?

You're important too.

Oh.

- Ah, ah.

- Oh.

- I can feel it fizzing.

- Oh, yeah.

That means it's working.

Oh, that's good root beer.

- What is that?

- That's a mole.

That's what it looks like.

You've just drawn a circle on a piece of paper.

This doesn't tell me anything.

Just let me take a look at the mole.

Can we please just do it this way?

Listen, I have seen literally hundreds of penises.

Okay?

There's nothing you could possibly have going on with your junk that would faze me.

Okay, um...

Okay, but can we please do it without me having to see your vag*na?

I think we can do it that way.

- Okay.

- Yeah.

Hey.

Have you signed Jonah's card yet?

- What card?

- A "Thank you" card for coming up with the idea for the health fund.

God, he's an adorable little hero.

I signed mine from The Rock.

I like to keep it light.

So, um...

just checking.

The whole health fund idea, that was all you, right?

What?

'Cause I'm just remembering that...

I was there, and I think I'm the one who suggested it.

You didn't want to do it.

No, I didn't, but it was my idea.

And just because the seed doesn't become the plant, doesn't mean you don't give the seed credit when everyone starts freaking out about the plant.

I don't know what plant everybody would be freaking out about.

Oh, of course, the ghost orchid.

But I think I do know what you're getting at here.

- You want credit.

- What?

No.

No, I don't want credit.

I just want people to know that I had the idea.

Sure.

Hold on a sec.

Attention Cloud 9 employees just to be clear, the health fund was actually Amy's idea.

So, if you're thanking me, please remember to also thank Amy as well.

She's just as responsible for all of this as I am.

No, I...

No "thank you" s, just the truth.

Thank you.

I know that that's sort of awkward to have to ask for credit, and I just...

you kind of put me in that position.

Yeah, the health fund is a total disaster.

We're in a lot of trouble.

This is absurd.

I don't want you to associate my penis with my face.

But I can still see your face.

Well, pretend there's another guy in here.

- Oh, God.

- He's a little fella, and his penis is the same height as mine.

And I'm just leaning over his back so you still see my face, and he doesn't say a word because I threatened to fire him if he made a peep.

- Okay?

- I can pretend that.

Okay.

Okay, so in the first four hours, you've managed to commit us to $37,000.

The claims just kept coming, and, you know, it's like that opening in "Star Wars" where the words zoom past you.

And at first it's cool, but eventually you just can't keep up.

Wait, Sandra alone has asthma, rheumatoid arthritis, sciatica, fibromyalgia, leaky gut syndrome, this just keeps going.

We just got to keep signing people up.

That's all, okay?

If we get everybody in the backroom to sign up then that will pay for these people.

And then we can go to other branches and then that will pay for the backroom...

This is a pyramid scheme.

Shh.

How could it be?

I'm not benefiting.

What is this?

Sandra drew a picture to save time.

Here she comes.

I don't see a mole.

Oh, it's on the undercarriage.

- Oh.

- No, don't touch it.

Well, how am supposed to look underneath if I don't pick it up?

This isn't...

okay, this isn't working.

Why don't I just lift it up with a pen?

Okay.

Wait, no, not the blue one.

I sign paychecks with that.

Fine.

What about this broken Snoopy pencil?

Okay.

Don't use the pointy end.

It's not a shish kabob.

So you're cancelling the health fund?

Um, no.

The fund will continue.

It will just be more of a...

Selective, sort of case-by-case situation.

- You're kicking us out.

- No.

- No.

- No.

No.

It's just, you know, our vision was a lot more idealistic than the realities of the world.

Guys, we are really sorry, but we are giving you back your premiums.

- Isaac.

- How about that?

- There you go.

- Sandra.

No.

You're trying to us.

Whoa.

You're trying to us.

Well you picked the wrong day to with Sandra Kaluiokalani!

Oh, okay, Sandra, just calm down.

No!

I won't calm down.

We have a contract, and I can sue.

So, figure it out!

Can I help you to your car ma'am?

Your ability to remain un-erect is really impressive.

Thank you.

- Well?

- Honestly, I don't know.

I think I should text a pic of it to my derm.

- Okay.

- All right.

Hey, Glenn, I'm here for my review.

That's...

Glenn's penis.

Glenn's penis.

♪ I know you were right ♪ ♪ Believing for so long ♪ ♪ I'm all out of love ♪ Guys, just...

just...

Okay!

Listen up.

I know there are a lot of rumors flying around about the health fund, but we are not kicking people out.

So we have Group A, and also for those with slightly more health requirements we have Group B.

Each group is exactly the same, and also different.

Those in Group A will continue to pay $20 a month, and those in Group B, based on projected expenses, will pay...$200 a month.

I knew it.

You two are trying to rip us off.

You're sitting up there in your ivory towers eating your exotic fruits with two scoops of ice cream.

You're bathing in gold.

Nobody is doing any of those things.

Yeah, hold up.

How come I'm in Group B?

- Y'all Group-B'ed me?

- Yes.

But not because of the wheelchair.

Because you eat too many Cheez-Its - for one human stomach.

- Oh, come on.

This sucks.

You have me in Group B with Sandra, and she has gout.

Jesus Christ, Sandra, how many things do you have wrong with you?

Well, what about Marcus?

He shouldn't be in Group A.

His leg is messed up.

I've got a handle on it.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

That looks infected.

Not a chance.

Every night I soak it in my apartment complex's hot tub, and chlorine will k*ll anything.

- What?

- Ridiculous.

Okay, guys, I know it's not perfect...

I'm feeling a sense...

It's complicated.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold up.

So if I'm Platinum Select, does that mean that I get the stuff in the Gryffindor tier?

No, no, if you want things in the Gryffindor tier, you need to upgrade either to the Platinum Ultra or the Platinum Blue.

- Okay.

- I have a question.

Who gave you the right to play God?

All I said was the fund can't pay for a live-in nurse.

That doesn't mean I want to let Jerry die.

Right, you're just not willing to lift a finger to help him.

Understood loud and clear.

- Thanks Jonah.

- Okay, look, I get it up to Diamond Plus, but when you get down to Wall of Fire, it's like, "What?" Guys, we're making it too difficult.

We just got to simplify.

Cover everything, exclude no one, and make it affordable.

- Come on.

- Why didn't we think of that.

Okay, okay, okay.

It seems to me the problem is that some of us are going to use the fund more than others, but no one wants to put in more money than they're going to take out.

Yes, exactly.

Thank you.

So my suggestion would be, what if we restrict the fund to those of us who are able to complete a series of "Ninja Warrior" type physical challenges?

Mm, see, I was with you for so long.

Okay, how about if you can jump on a table then you're in.

- No, we're not doing that.

- Works for me.

There's no way you can jump on a table.

I can absolutely jump on a table.

No one needs to jump on a table.

I think this guy needs to jump on a table.

Yeah, I think if you can do it, I will totally sleep with Marcus.

- Wait, what?

- Isaac!

Isaac!

Isaac!

No, it doesn't mean anything, Isaac.

Isaac!

Isaac!

Isaac!

Oh!

No, no.

Are you sure you should be putting superglue on an open wound?

Mm, yeah, probably.

Bodies are weird.

Ah, hey.

How about that jump, huh?

- It was good.

- Yeah.

- Real high, buddy.

- All right.

Oh, no, no.

- Oh, God.

- sh**t, I'm stuck.

Hey, dude, looks like your lucky day.

Probably like a hundred bucks in there.

That is amazing that people are so generous.

Yeah, customers, employees, everyone just pitched in.

I'm gonna buy that faux Gucci messenger bag.

What about your ear?

Excuse you, my body, my choice.

♪ Could you be loved ♪ ♪ ♪ And be loved ♪ ♪ ♪ Now could you be loved ♪ And here's to the health fund, a total failure.

That was a really bad idea you had.

What was your thing again?

You were a seed?

I don't know.

It made sense at the time.

- It was like a...

- Did it?

- Yes, it made perfect sense.

- Walk me through - that metaphor.

- The seed...

- Uh-huh.

- Then the...

- It blooms.

- It doesn't matter.

- So you were the seed...

- Who cares, it's in the past.

- Drink your beer.

- Hey.

Hey, guys, what're you doing?

Oh, you know, we're just...

hiding out until everyone stops being pissed at us.

- Can I join you?

- Uh...

Yes, of course.

- Cool.

- Yeah.

- There you are.

- Ah, thank you.

This is nice.

Mm.

- Cheers.

- Yahtzee.

Hm.

My derm's taking forever getting back to me.

Such a power move.

Classic derm.

What if it is cancer?

The Sturgis genes will die with me.

I never had kids.

Well, I mean, I fostered, but you know, none straight out of the doodle.

Well, there's still time.

Jerusha's still got a few years left, and there's always science.

In a few years we'll probably all have pig organs.

Yeah, you're right.

Oh.

You're in the clear.

It's not melanoma.

Yeah.

Well, I should get back to work.

Dina.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Also...

Never forget that I have this.

I'm gonna have a baby.