11x05 - Fast Time Capsules at Wagstaff School

[bunniefuu]

Get ready for the time capsule that was buried at Wagstaff years ago.

Thank you, Mr. Branca, for digging it up.

Not my job... but it's okay.

Oh, I thought there was a guy buried there named Tim Capsule.

Let's cr*ck it open.

And lending a hand will be student volunteer, Tina.

Thanks, Mr. Frond.

You might say we have some history between us.

- Heh. Um, um, uh...
- What? Okay, okay.

(stammering)

Can we just do this before it starts raining, please?

- (both gasp)
- Quite an odor.

It smells like ass!

Trying not to breathe too much.
Here's a cootie catcher.

Imagine the ancient cooties it may still contain.

Wagstaff yearbook.

Not super diverse.

Tina's k*lling it up there.

And by "it," I mean "my interest."

Shh, Gene, the station's doing another contest for free Boyz Now tickets.

Which I want to win... as a joke.

Classic "winning incredibly valuable tickets as a joke."

Never gets old.

Yeah, wouldn't it be hilarious if I won?

Me sitting randomly in the front row five seats from Boo Boo, this person who doesn't even care... take that!

Me! Boo Boo! Five feet!

Okay, I get it... Let go of my arm!

And this, I believe, is a stuffed animal?

- That is a dead mole.
- Okeydokey.

- Cute, though.
- FROND: Hold on. Louise Belcher?

Are you listening to a radio?

I'm trying to find local news coverage of this historic time capsule opening.

Did you not alert the media, Mr. Frond?

No. Was I supposed to?

LOUISE: Obviously.

(sighs) Maybe they're on it.

I'll keep listening.

Uh, right. Thank you.

Uh-huh. Oh, my God!
They're giving tickets right now to the th caller.

Isn't that the emergency cell phone we're only supposed to use for emergen...

For being the th caller? Yeah.

- (line ringing)
- They're answering!

- RADIO DJ: Congratulations, caller...
- Oh, my God!

- Twelve.
- (groans)

(muttering): Psychopath.

Oh, here's a note.

Looks like bugs read it first. (chuckles)

"Dear future students of Wagstaff... "

And it's gone.

Well, a powerful message just the same.

So I just missed out on Boyz Now tickets for us, Tina.

(scoffs) Dodged a b*llet, huh?

- Whew! (groans)
- Darn, it's sold out, too.

And I hear since they're only playing intimate venues like the Wharf Arts Center, that Boo Boo guarantees he'll make eye contact with every girl in the audience.

Gah! Why would I even care about that, Tina?!

I wouldn't! Care!

Why is it always my arm's fault?!

Oh, Tina. So, I guess the way this whole time capsule thing

works is now we have to do one.

- You mean we get to do one.
- Sure.

And since you've shown an interest, how'd you like to coordinate it?
So I don't have to.

Me? Really?

Yeah, get some submissions from students...

Decide what best represents Wagstaff?

Who lives, who dies, who tells their story?

Kind of regretting this now.

Have complete control, so it can be done right, unlike those slackers years ago?

- No offense. Were you one of them?
- No. How old do you think I am?

- A lot.
- How old is Dumbledore?

Wow.

ALL: Ooh!

I understand the past now, Old Tina.

And no dead moles.

Tina, choosing you for this was the greatest decision of my life.

Mr. Frond, you're still alive!

I was just waiting for this day.

Bye.

I won't let you down, Mr. Frond.

Good. I mean, how could you?
It's putting crap in a box.

TINA: So what am I looking at here, Peter?

It's a diorama of a classroom of kids making dioramas.

Got to give this a maybe.

See if any good stuff comes along.

I worked really hard on it.

Don't take this the wrong way, Peter, but maybe save the diorama for your mama? Next.

It's a poem... It's about kickball,

but it's not really about kickball.

Yeah, here's the deal, Rudy.

- My name's on this thing...
- It is?

Not literally, but maybe it can be?

So, yeah, what goes in the capsule

has to be really, really special.

My dad cried when he read it.

I'm gonna slide it down to the maybe pile, Rudy.

Oh, wow, that's an awful lot in the maybe pile.

It's gum, so future people

- will know about gum.
- TINA: Maybe.

These are Andy's toenails so they can clone him.

And Ollie's toenails so they can clone him.

- Or mix them and make an Allie!
- Or an Olldie!

- Or Michelle Pfeiffer!
- TINA: Maybe.

years is, like, a really annoying time to wait, Tina.

But here, it's a tube of lip balm.

Here's my wow needle... It's on one.

Uh, how dare you?

Strawberry lemongrass is the flavor of our time.

Sorry, Tammy, I'm after history, not a hissy-fit story.

Oh, my God, Tina has so much power.

- (Tammy grunts)
- My lip balm is cherry.

- (Teddy munching)
- LINDA: Teddy, slow down!

I'm hurrying 'cause my truck's double-parked.

If you see a cop just whistle.

Well, I don't know how to whistle.

How about I fart twice?

One long, one short.

Linda, you can't whistle? Seriously?

Um, isn't it weirder that she can fart on command?

One long and one short?

Yeah, I can't whistle, Teddy. So what?

(whistles) Oh, my God, sorry.
That was so insensitive.

It's okay! Relax.

Yeah, lots of people can't whistle.

I mean, I've never met one, besides Linda.

They probably keep to themselves, because of, you know, the shame.

- (scoffs) The shame?
- Sorry.

I-I'm just biased because I happen to be a pretty good whistler.

Or so people tell me a lot.

- (Bob whistling)
- It's true.

If "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard" comes on, watch out, Julio... Here comes this guy!

Yeah, yeah, Mr. Flute-face over here.

I can do some stuff you can't do.

Like r-r-roll my Rs.

Let's see you do that, big sh*t.

(rolls Rs)

You know I can't, Lin.

Maybe today you can, try it.

- (mumbling)
- Ha!

Who cares? Rolling Rs is a fringe sound.

Whistling is-is like having... a-a bird living inside of you.

Oh, yeah, what kind of bird?

A r-r-red br-r-reasted r-r-robin?

Guys, please, I-I didn't mean to start something.

Teddy, you're getting a ticket.

What?! Linda, you were supposed to fart.

(door bells jingle)

So, Arnold, this is a piece

of wood that you say you karate chopped.

Impressive if true.

If true...

Dang, Tina's time capsule's tougher to get into than a pistachio with no cr*ck in it.

I just swallow those whole. Is that bad?

I don't think Tina knows what she wants.

- What was that, Rudy?
- Nothing! They were talking!

Checking in, Tina.

How's the time capsule coming?

So far we've got a lot of maybe-babies, but we're still in the discovery phase.

Well, remember we have to bury the capsule tomorrow.

They're re-sodding the school lawn this weekend.

Because it's a mess.

I don't know why they let kids play on the grass.

What is this, Switzerland?

Also we dug a big hole in it.

Oh, and I've decided to give you

Buried Emotion Emma for the capsule.

"Buried" and buried?

(chuckles) I couldn't resist.

Also I'm mad at her.

Uh, terrific.

I'll just put that over here.

Oh, come on.

RADIO DJ: Hey, we've got the last pair

of Boyz Now tickets to give away to the fourth caller!

Great! This stupid contest is almost over, right?

- (busy signal beeping)
- Crap, it's busy! Redial, redial.

We have our lucky - fourth caller on the line!

- No.
- Who's this?

- Henry Haber.
- What?!

You don't have to ask me to turn down my radio. (chuckles)

I understand feedback loops.

That guy should meet our Henry Haber.

They sound like they'd hit it off.

And my regards to the morning zoo.

Henry, you like Boyz Now?! W-Why?!

I don't listen to them, but Susmita identifies as something called a Griffen Gal.

It should've been me, not you.

Not that I care. I'm just walking away.

Okay, Tina, I've pressed my face on some loose-leaf paper so future people can see how I did my makeup.

It's great, it's in, you're welcome.

The only problem is that Wagstaff is a grade school,

- not a clown college.
- (grunts) That's it!

You know what, I'm gonna do my own time capsule.

- Your own time capsule?
- Yeah, and it's gonna be bigger and better and anyone who wants to go into it, can.

And forget years.

- We're gonna open it in a week!
- Wait, what?

In a week, we'll know what we were doing this week.

I'll take that, thank you.

Hot dang... a Tam capsule!

I want in!

Wait... let me just... hold on, uh...

Thank you, toss it on in.
Welcome to the Tam Capsule.

Uh, let's all slow down and take a breath.

Peter, w-we were pretty close to a deal, buddy.

R-Rudy, l-l-let me read your poem again.

- I know I missed something.
- Here's a poem for you, Tina.

- Uh-huh?
- You snooze, you lose!

- Oh.
- Why does poetry always go over my head?

So can't you cancel Tammy's time capsule?

Or-or tell the police it's a drug chest full of dr*gs?

I can't stop Tammy from making a time capsule.

I could barely stop that one kid from keeping bees in his locker.

There will just be two time capsules.

Yours, which is the authorized, official one.

And then the cool one that people want to be in.

(groans) Anyway, looks like I might be able to squeeze in

Buried Emotion Emma after all.

Oh, don't you wish.

TINA: So now everybody wants to be in Tammy's time capsule and in years when my capsule is opened,

I'm gonna look completely ridiculous!

Judging from the way Dad's aging, we're all gonna look completely ridiculous long before that.

- Louise.
- Excuse me, Father, but I've also had a difficult day.

I had to... console Tina when Henry Haber ended up with the last two tickets to Boyz Now.

She's really struggling right now, Dad.

- Look at her!
- Hmm?

Aw, that's r-r-rotten, isn't it, Bob?

R-R-Really, r-r-really r-r-rotten?

Seriously, Lin?

I know, nice accent.

I'm loving Mom Connery.

Gene, did you just say whistle something?

- No.
- Okay.

- (Bob whistling)
- Oh.

You sound like a sexy teakettle.

More caser-r-role, anyone?

Caser-r-role?

TINA: This isn't casserole, but okay.

Everything is casser-r-role! Casser-r-role.

This is what I picture their wedding night was like.

Casser-r-role.

HENRY: Susmita, I don't understand why you're upset.

You took my social studies homework and corrected it.

As a romantic surprise.

You wrote "mediocre effort" on it.

And the "O" in mediocre is a heart.

- (grunts)
- Susmita!

Hmm, trouble in Haber-dise?

Wait a minute, all I have to do is date Henry Haber and he'll do my homework?

So, a lot of dirt, but the new sod is coming and will look amazing for the one week you kids aren't allowed on it.

And now, time capsule time.

Thank you again, Mr. Branca, for your digging.

Now there are two holes.

Still not my job. It's okay.

Yes, we welcome Tammy's time capsule.

Wow, look at the size of that thing.

I had to stomp on the stuff to get the lid shut.

So what did you end up with, Tina?

Looks like some barrettes... and a sticky note that says

"IOU cool stuff from the past... Tina. Maybe check eBay?"

Capsule? More like crapsule.

- (blows raspberry)
- I know. I wanted this capsule to be full of amazing things that told a story about our time.

It just didn't come together.

- Let's just bury these things.
- Wait!

I have something else for the time capsule.

- Henry, are you okay?
- Do I look okay?

In general or right now?
Doesn't matter... no.

Susmita doesn't want to go with me to tomorrow night's Boyz Now concert.

I can't put my broken heart in the capsule, but I can put in these two tickets.

- (all gasping)
- The fool!

I just saw the movie Titanic and there's a beautiful scene involving Old Rose and a heart-shaped necklace.

Thanks, now I'm crying all over again.

Those two empty front row seats with band meet-and-greet and unlimited green room buffet privileges will be a testament to my lost love.

Cool gesture, Henry, and mint unused tickets to the most influential boy band of our time would pretty much save my crapsule, uh, capsule, but let's take a breath.

You might get back together with Susmita, i-if you crazy kids can make that work.

Or you could probably find someone to take those dumb things off your hands.

(whispers): Or I could find someone.

- I just thought, I...
- I'll take 'em for my capsule... done!

- No! - (gasps)
- Plant 'em.

- LOUISE: I can't believe Tammy did that.
- Tacky ticket taker.

Henry was trying to give them to me, not her.

- And then he was gonna give them to me.
- I know.

And now those tickets are in Tammy's capsule, four feet in the ground.

- Just sitting there.
- Mocking us.

- It's not right.
- It's bullcrap!

It's all kinds of crap.

Goat, donkey. I-I don't know, camel?

- Tina?
- Yes, Louise?

Are we thinking the same thing?

That it's amazing that we haven't bumped into each other

- once while mad pacing?
- That is, actually.

- But, also, that we should...
- Dig them up and steal

- those bad boys?
- Dig them up and steal...

- Oh, my gosh!
- Yes.

It's like we share a brain sometimes.

Sister brain. I have to pee.

Do you have to pee, too? Sister bladder?

Uh, no. Go pee and then we'll figure this all out, buddy.

(whoops) Tina and I are gonna go to that show.

(whoops) Louise and I are putting those tickets in my time capsule.

Sure you don't have to pee, Louise?

We could go together. Nope, can't wait.

LOUISE: Stealing these tickets is going to be more than a two-girl job.

It's a "two girl and one perky boy" job.

So Gene will be joining us.

He's excellent at blocking people's view when you don't want them to see you digging up time capsules.

- Just call me Gene the Screen.
- Hold on.

Tammy said she's gonna open her capsule in a week.

If the tickets are missing, someone's gonna guess it was us.

So we cover our trail by leaving fake tickets.

Fake tickets?

After we dig them up, we make perfect copies on Ms. Selbo's color copier.

I once used it to counterfeit a dollar and you... um, the person that I gave it to never noticed.

- W-Wait, what?
- Uh-huh. So, the time to pull this off is after school tomorrow before Mr. Branca locks up.

Smart. No one around, except office staff.

And the kids who do clubs and activities.

Slow down. You're saying our school has clubs and activities?

Tina, you'll dig while Gene stands in front of you, inconspicuously blocking you from sight.

I'll do tai chi like that cool senior flash mob in the park.

Then I'll talk my way past Ms. Selbo and make the fakes.

We'll put those in Tammy's capsule, and you'll bury it again.

Wait, I'm doing all the digging?

Yes, because you're the strongest, Tina.

Especially when you get mad about something.

Yeah, then you get crazy puberty Hulk strength.

- No, I don't.
- Tina, Tammy stole those tickets.

(shouts) Oh, wow, I guess I do.

(humming)

Hey, Lin, have you seen our order-up bell?

It's disappeared.

- No, that's weird.
- Oh, no!

I loved that bell. It was good, it was pure.

Yeah, I guess we'll have to figure something else out.

Oh, how about this?

When an order's up, I'll whistle.

- (whistles)
- (scoffs)

Oh, no, our spindle's gone, too.

What do we do with the old tickets?

We'll have to r-r-roll them into a ball

- and th-r-ow them away.
- Oh, boy.

Oh, um, order up. (whistles)

- R-R-Rolling. Th-r-owing.
- Guys, guys, come on.

We've all got our things, right?

Me, I can make a sound like I have a baby stuck in my throat.

(muffled shouting)

- Oh, my God.
- Scary.

It doesn't make me better than anyone.

Mort, you can probably do something.

Well, I can click my jaw. I have TMJ.

- (clicking)
- More like TMI, Mort.

(school bell rings)

Nothing to see here, after-school activity kids.

Just a boy doing tai chi outside to improve balance and prevent falls.

Could really use some digging help, Louise.

Tina, look at my arms.
They're so small and spindly.

How about this? (gasps)

Oh. Tammy's time capsule just won a Capsy Award.

(shouting)

- Here it is.
- Now we fake it to the limit.

(shouts, grunts) How are old people in the park so good at this?

Hey, Ms. Selbo. What's up?

Don't mind me, I got to do some color copying.

Oh, hi, Louise. What are the copies for?

They're for my many clubs and activities.

I'm just gonna load some card stock in here.

Which clubs are you in?

I thought I was pretty on top of who's in each one.

And who wishes they were in one. Brian Schlesinger, Yearbook.

Which clubs am I in? Huh.

French Club, Junior Toastmasters.

French Toastmasters. Easier to talk about the clubs I'm not in.

- Ha, ha, ha.
- (laughs)

You know who else could talk about the clubs he's not in?

- Brian Schlesinger. (laughs)
- Ah, ha, ha.

Keep dreaming, guy. Right?

Okay, I'm done. Bye.

In you go. Now we rebury.

(grunting) This is gonna work.

Take that, Tammy's dumb capsule.

TAMMY: Uh, what are you doing?

(gasps) Tammy.

And Jocelyn, also.

Wait, why do you have a shovel? Oh, my God.

You were gonna take the tickets.

No, we weren't. Oh, yeah, we were.

- (chuckles)
- I should be mad, but you know what?

You saved us a lot of digging.
Let's have those tickets.

- Or what?
- Or I'll say you stole them.

Which you would only know if you were trying to steal them.

Oh, which you would only know if you were trying

- to steal them first.
- Which you would only know...

Wait, I'm lost.

This shovel's heavy.
I'm gonna put it down.

Should I tai chi them out of here?

Fine, Tammy, we give up. Just take them.

- Louise!
- She outsmarted us, Tina.

Let's go, Jocelyn.

And could you guys put away our shovel for us?

- Thank you.
- Well, I guess that's it.

Except for one thing. Those weren't the real tickets.

- These are.
- What?

I made a few extra fakies for just-in-case-kies. (laughs)

- Good thinking.
- So, let's go the show!

Yeah. Wait, um...

Oh, you mean, put them in my capsule.

- (laughs): What? No.
- Oh, dear.

Are we not on the same page?
What happened to sister brain?

You said you didn't want to go to Boyz Now.

Duh, I didn't mean it.
You tried to talk Henry out of putting his tickets in your stupid capsule.

Duh, I didn't really mean that.

I just didn't want him to rush into anything.

But hey, it's what Henry wanted.

He just put them in the wrong capsule.

It's a mistake a lot of people have been making.

- Don't you want to go?
- Of course I do.

Of course I want to see that song where they bend over and pick up your heart.

It's called "Your Heart Fell on the Floor,

- Let Me Get It for You."
- I know what it's called!

But those tickets belong in a time capsule.

- So do you.
- Finally, a solution.

(sighs) All right, Tina.

If you feel that strongly, here.

Thanks, Louise. Sorry I had to yell.

(grunts) Would you mind, uh, saying something to rev me up again? You know, Hulk me?

- Nope.
- I get it.

(panting): There.

- (exhales)
- Oh, by the way, Tina, those were fake tickets, too.

I still have the real ones. Just-in-case-kies.

- Damn it. Give them to me.
- Sure.

Okay. Louise, before I go to all the work of burying these...

- Are they fake, too? Yeah.
- Son of a bitch.

- How many pairs of fakes do you have left?
- So many.

Um, can I see what the real ones look like to compare?

(chuckles): No. No, no, no. Not falling for that.

Oh, well, I gave it my best sh*t... (grunts)

- (grunts)
- Let go, Louise.

- No!
- Oh, no, the sod crew.

They're here already. I have to get these in the ground now.

Too bad, Tina. What're you gonna do?

Maybe tell them to sod off?

I mean, when are you gonna have a chance like that again?

My God, they're sodding so fast.

I need to get the tickets buried before they get up to us.

- They're gonna rip, Tina!
- Give them.

Careful, Louise, she's puberty Hulking.

(shouts) Ha! They're mine.

Sure, it's a sacrifice now, but in years, when the capsule is opened, I'll be laughing.

And maybe Boyz Now will honor the tickets then.

They'll still be around, right?
I mean, not Matt, he'll be .

Tina, I'm your sister. Flesh and blood, here right now.

Are you really gonna choose people years from now over your butt and my butt in those seats?

Well, I...

You can live your life or you can put it in a box.

Live, Tina. Live.

(sighs) I-I just don't want my time capsule to suck.

Maybe it's supposed to suck.

Maybe the last one sucked because kids years ago had better things to do and were out living their lives.

Yeah, racing for pinks and making bathtub gin.

(sighs) You're right.
Let's go to the show.

- Yes!
- Yay, we're all going.

Uh, Gene, there are only two tickets.

That's enough, right?
One, two... darn it!

Hi, bye. Just dropping off backpacks.

We're on our way to the Boyz Now concert.

Tina's really excited. Settle down, Tina!

Oh. Right, sorry.

Oh, that's great. How'd you get tickets?

Just managed to dig some up somewhere. (chuckles softly)

- Ha!
- And I'm not going

'cause I'm excited to spend time with my two favorite parents.

And you guys can fight over who loves me the most.

- And go.
- Wait.

Shouldn't one of us be chaperoning? Not it.

Well, you'd need a ticket, but I guess you could pay a scalper $ or so.

Tina, you're in charge. Be safe.

- Have fun.
- LOUISE: Out of the way, Teddy!

- I mean, hi, Teddy!
- Oh, good. You guys are here.

I've got kind of an emergency.

What? What, Teddy?

The Handyman's Jamboree is tonight, and my friend and colleague Handyman Sam wrote a song that he and I have to perform.

"Handyman's Jamboree"?

Yes, Bob, a-and it's a huge deal.

Sam said the song's to the tune of "On Top of Old Smoky," whatever the hell that is.

Bob, do you know it?
Could you whistle it?

Okay. (whistling)

Now, Linda, these are the words. Would you mind singing?

I-I don't know how it should sound.

(rolling Rs): ♪ I'm sorry we quarreled ♪

♪ It rips out my heart ♪

♪ Our love is too rare ♪

♪ For us ever to part... ♪

This is what Boyz
Now wishes they were.

Eight more verses. Keep going.

- Uh, no.
- Yeah, Teddy, we get it.

We see what you're doing.

(sighs) Okay. Got to come clean.

- There's no Handyman's Jamboree.
- We know.

Handyman Sam is real, but we're not friends.

I-I just don't want you to split up over this.

- We're fine, Teddy.
- Yeah, we're not really...

I mean, you guys complete each other.

They're a couple of Jerry Maguires.

- We did sound kind of good together.
- Could this be a thing?

- Should we go to an open mic night?
- TEDDY: Uh...

I don't know about an open mic, but in the privacy of your own home, sure.

These aren't genuine tickets, ladies.

- BOTH: What?!
- I see this a lot.

Welcome to the world.
People are garbage.

- I'm so sad.
- (laughs)

- My good man. What's...
- (buzzing)

- happening?
- These tickets are fakes, miss.

Uh, you need to calibrate your equipment.

- They're real.
- Yeah, real fake.

- Goodbye, innocence.
- But those are the real tickets.

I was so careful. Those are the real tickets!

- I don't think we're getting in, Louise.
- I don't understand!

If I don't have the real tickets, who does?

HENRY: Can I see the washing instructions

- on that glittery T-shirt?
- Henry Haber?

- Susmita? How are you here?
- Oh, hi, Louise, Tina.

Susmita heard about my Titanic thing and changed her mind.

I never knew Henry could be that impulsive, and romantic.

So I dug up the tickets right away and I left fakes

'cause I didn't want to hurt anyone's time capsule.

It's a victimless crime.

It's not victimless.

You're seeming really intense right now, so should we just go in?

Can we go over the Boyz's names again real quick

- for when we meet them?
- Aah!

Well, it's sweet that Henry and Susmita are back together.

- Mm... - Nope.
- I don't know, maybe it's kind of nice the way things worked out.

- Wrong.
- It's not. - Oh, my God.

Oh, they're playing "Someday We'll Spoon."

♪ Someday we'll spoon ♪

♪ Not anytime soon. ♪ It's about the future.

Kind of perfect, huh, 'cause of the whole time capsule thing?

Huh? Oh, right.

♪ I'm gonna hold you ♪

♪ When we're much older ♪

♪ Till then I'll gently touch your shoulder ♪

♪ And if the moment's feeling right ♪

♪ I'll squeeze your hand to say ♪

♪ Good night ♪

♪ Someday we'll spoon ♪

♪ Not anytime soon ♪

- (whistling)
- (rolling Rs)

♪ Someday we'll spoon ♪

♪ Not anytime soon ♪

(rolling Rs)

♪ I'm gonna hold you ♪

♪ When we're much older ♪

♪ Till then I'll gently touch your shoulder ♪

♪ And if the moment's feeling right... ♪