(ALARM BLARING)
(INMATES INDISTINCTLY YELLING AND GRUNTING)
(IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(SCREAMS AND GROANS)
(COUGHING)
(CONTINUES COUGHING)
(GUARDS INDISTINCTLY YELLING AND DOGS BARKING)
(GUARDS CONTINUE YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
CHOW: m*therf*ckers!
f*ck.
(GRUNTING)
(SPLASHING)
(RUMBLING)
f*ck!
(LAUGHING)
(CONTINUES LAUGHING)
We're almost home, buddy!
(CAR HORN HONKING)
ALAN: Whoo!
Whoo!
Hey.
My name's Alan and I bought a giraffe!
He's all mine!
He's super friendly!
(HOWLING)
(BLEATING)
WOMAN: Oh, wow.
Look at the giraffe.
GIRL: Oh, my God. Where do you think it's going?
Whoo!
Oh, my life is great! I have a wonderful life!
I have a wonderful life!
(GRUNTS)
(FAMILY SCREAMING)
(TRUCK HORN HONKING AND TIRES SCREECHING)
(CAR ALARM BLARING)
Yes, sir. Absolutely, I will. Thank you so much. No, of course.
No, no. And again, I'm so sorry.
That was the mayor, Alan.
It was an accident.
You said you'd always love me no matter what I did.
I know and I do. You're my best friend. But, Alan, why would you buy a giraffe?
I've always wanted one.
I could feed him from my tree house.
Besides, they remind me a lot of myself.
In what way?
They're majestic, pensive and tall.
Pensive? ALAN: - Yeah.
Where'd you learn that word? "Words With Friends."
What friends, Alan? You can set it on random.
(GROANS)
Alan, aside from the fact that you shut down a freeway...
...you m*rder*d a wild animal. It's national news.
You don't want to know the checks I had to write to fix this.
Oh, please. We're rich.
We are not anything, Alan.
I am well-off. You are my 40-year-old son...
Forty-two. I'm 42!
...42-year-old son who still lives at home.
You are to go back on your medication or I'm cutting you off.
You're bluffing. When's dinner?
Your mother and I can't take this anymore!
Well, you might have to. SID: - I can't do it!
I cannot do this!
(INAUDIBLE DIALOGUE)
BILLY JOEL (SINGING OVER HEADPHONES): I don't care what you say anymore This is my life Go ahead with your own life Leave me alone CHORUS (SINGING): Keep it to yourself It's my life
LINDA: Alan! Alan!
ALAN (SINGING): Ave Maria
(CONTINUES SINGING "AVE MARIA")
My God, he's got the voice of an angel.
It's breathtaking.
Ave Maria
(CLEARS THROAT)
I can't believe my daddy is dead.
(FEEDBACK OVER MICROPHONE)
I can think of so many people I would rather have d*ed first.
Like my mother.
As many of you know...
...my father and I were extremely close.
He was my life partner.
He would often tell me, almost on a daily basis...
...that I was his favorite child.
I'll always remember the last words he said to me:
"I'm proud of you, Alan."
"Never change."
Well...
...I heard you loud and clear, Daddy.
I will never change.
Never, ever.
(FEEDBACK OVER MICROPHONE)
Oh, Mom.
Go ahead, chief.
Sid Garner was a beloved husband...
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
...father and neighbor.
Wow, rough day.
Yeah, how's Tracy doing? Not great.
Her mother's totally on the edge, and if all this weren't enough...
...apparently Alan's been off his meds for almost six months.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, it has not been pretty.
Then there's the whole f*cking giraffe thing. I thought that was pretty funny.
What? Come on. He k*lled a giraffe.
Who gives a f*ck?
You know, I wasn't gonna say anything, but Alan's been stopping by my office lately.
DOUG: You're kidding me. What for?
I don't know. He just sits in the waiting room and reads Highlights magazine.
Fills in the puzzles, whatever he can, and then leaves.
Check it out.
DOUG: Wow. PHIL: Jesus, what are you gonna do with him?
Actually, I wanted to talk to you guys about that.
Linda really wants to stage an intervention for him.
An intervention? Really?
I think that sounds like a great idea.
Yeah, the thing is...
...she's pretty convinced he won't agree to it unless all of us are there.
I mean, you know how he is.
I don't know. It seems a little extreme to me.
Oh, God. Look at him now.
Okay, I'm in. When are we doing it?
LAUREN: So we talked to Tracy today...
...and she said that the treatment facility that they found is really nice.
It's beautiful. I checked it out online. Great reputation.
Who gives a f*ck? It's in Arizona. We gotta go on like a two-day drive for this sh*t?
Here we go.
They should just save their money and send him to fat camp.
Phil. What?
He should lose weight. He'll find a woman. The dude's lonely.
If he's so lonely, why don't the you spend more time with him?
No, trust me, you don't want that. No. You definitely don't want that.
Come on. He's not that bad.
I mean, what's the worst that's happened? The tattoo?
Yeah, the tattoo's the worst.
Right?
Definitely. Tattoo was the worst. Nightmare.
Speaking of which, you ever get tested?
Excuse me?
You know, because of the ink.
That went inside you.
I'm fine.
PHIL: Take care. LAUREN: All right, good luck tomorrow.
PHIL: Oh, thanks.
I'll pick you up at 11. Perfect.
LAUREN: Thank you so much.
Thanks.
LINDA: Again, thank you so much for coming. PHIL: Oh, of course.
This is Nico. Nico is a good friend of Alan's.
What's up, bros? PHIL: - Oh, yeah, hey.
And that's Blanca. Blanca's been with us since Alan was a baby.
Hello. Hello.
And this is Timothy. Timothy lives across the street.
He and Alan swim together.
Hey, what's up, little man? Hey.
Why don't you guys take a seat? Yeah.
(DOUG CLEARS THROAT)
Tracy's on her way back with Alan right now.
Obviously, he has no idea this is coming, so things might get a little intense.
But, no matter what happens, remember:
This is all about Alan getting better.
Mother, Oreo smoothie, now!
Oh.
Hey, everyone. Hey.
Hey, Timothy. Little cold for a swim, isn't it?
Oh, wow. Look. You went to the pier today. How was that?
We had a great time. Yeah.
I played skee ball for, like, 45 minutes. It was a pretty sick workout.
What's going on?
Uh, ahem, why don't you have a seat, bud? We just want to talk to you for a sec.
Okay.
Hey, Phil. Hey. Yeah.
Yeah. What's going on?
Oh, you got me.
(ALL LAUGHING)
DOUG: So, Alan...
...we're all here to tell you about an awesome place...
...called New Horizons.
That does sound awesome.
Alan, this is an intervention.
A what?
Mom.
Alan.
"I love you so much. We all do."
"But we can't keep lying to each other."
"Ever since you were a baby, all I want..."
Oh, my God, is anybody else falling asleep?
DOUG: Alan, listen.
No offense, Mom, but you're boring. BLANCA: - Mr. Alan.
Oh, now you?
"I pick up after you for 30 years."
"I cleaned your room. I see things no one should ever see."
"But I pray for you."
"Mr. Alan, everyone..." PHIL: - Hey.
Someone should clean that up. Alan.
Alan. You are not well.
You're off your meds and you're clearly upsetting your whole family.
That's baloney. Alan, if you say yes to this...
...we drive you there today, and I promise you will come back a changed man.
Who's we? What do you mean, "we"? Who's we?
We. All of us. Stu, Phil, me, you.
You going, Phil?
I love you, Alan.
(CRYING)
(CONTINUES CRYING)
(HARRY NILSSON'S "EVERYBODY'S TALKIN" ' PLAYING ON RADIO)
Hey, Alan, you hungry?
You wanna get some Arby's?
No, thanks.
You know, I meant to tell you earlier, that's a really cool vest you got on.
Thanks, Phil. It was my dad's.
He d*ed in it.
Whoa.
That's intense.
Hey, Alan, just want to say what you're doing is really brave. We're proud of you.
Yeah, you're gonna do great.
Stop the car. I don't want to do this anymore.
What? I changed my mind.
Alan, you can't change your mind. Everybody's counting on you.
I'm fine just the way I am. I want to go home.
Turn the car around. Now, please! I don't...
(CRASHING)
What the f*ck was that?
Oh, my God! He's doing it on purpose! Get out of his way!
I am, I am.
Hey! Hey, get the f*ck off! You have to exchange information.
Why? Jesus. Phil!
Phil! Phil! Oh, sh*t!
(ALL SCREAMING)
Get away from him! I'm trying!
DOUG: - Look out! Oh, sh*t!
(SCREAMING)
ALAN: Aw, sh*t! Oh, sh*t.
(ALL SCREAMING)
PHIL: sh*t!
Go, go, go!
Lock your doors! Doug, lock your doors!
ALAN: sh*t! What's going on?
(SCREAMING)
Get the f*ck... Hang on!
(STU SCREAMS)
STU: Help! PHIL: Let go, f*cking assh*le!
(ALAN PANTING)
(STU SCREAMS)
PHIL: Stu! We're okay. STU: We're in an elevator!
DOUG: Where are you?
(STU CONTINUES SCREAMING)
STU: What the f*ck is going on?
(PHIL COUGHING)
Please, this is a huge mistake.
You got the wrong guys!
I got the right f*cking guys! Get him up. Pick him up. Put him here.
You're Black Doug! That's Black Doug! Shut the f*ck up with that. Shut the f*ck up.
Oh, my God. It is.
Alan, tell me right now, why is Black Doug kidnapping us?
I said don't call me that sh*t no more. STU: - Sorry.
It ain't Alan's fault. Thank you, Black Doug.
m*therf*cker! PHIL: - Doug!
Doug! Okay, okay.
Just Doug, okay? Yeah.
Why are you doing this?
MARSHALL: Because...
...I told him to.
I'm Marshall.
And whether you know it or not...
...we all have something in common.
And it all started four years ago when this moron...
...sold the wrong dr*gs to this dumb f*ck.
You have no idea the chain of events that were set in motion that night...
...in the parking lot of a f*cking liquor store.
What up, n*gga?
Excuse me?
Chill out, I'm not a cop. Just in town for the night.
Me and my boys looking to get our freak on.
You sold Alan roofies.
Oh, sh*t. I must've mixed up the bags.
My fault, Alan.
Damn. Marshall gonna be pissed off at me on that one.
(ECHOING) Damn. Marshall gonna be pissed off at me on that one.
Marshall?
You're Marshall.
You brought us out here because of that?
(LAUGHS)
You're not here because of that.
You're here because some Chinaman I never heard of strolls into my town...
...and takes one of my guys off the street.
Mr. Chow? Yes.
Yes, Mr. Leslie f*cking Chow.
You introduced a virus into my life.
Oh, God, what did he do?
He f*cked me in the ass.
Oh, he does that from time to time.
Not literally.
Jesus!
A few weeks after your bullshit, I get word...
...this sheik is coming in from Abu Dhabi.
MARSHALL: He was looking to make some less-than-legal investments.
He brought his two wives...
...and $42 million in gold bars.
It was a lay-up.
MAN: Get down! Get down!
MARSHALL: We took it all.
Two vans, each with 21 million in gold.
My guys split up.
One of them made it back...
(SIREN WAILING)
...one of them didn't.
Is there a problem, officer?
Not anymore, m*therf*cker.
(LAUGHING)
Leslie Chow stole $21 million from me...
...on a Tuesday.
Oh, God.
I looked everywhere for him.
But he's gone, no one can find him.
Until the little cockroach got himself pinched in Bangkok.
Sol pay him a visit.
MARSHALL: I offer him a truce.
I won't touch a hair on his head.
I just want him to tell me where my gold is.
He refuses to talk.
Not only does he refuse to talk to me...
...he has no communication with anyone from the outside...
...except you!
Hey.
It's unfair!
Alan, you been talking to Chow?
They've been writing letters. Hey, those are private!
"Dear Leslie, OMG, the McRib is back! Why was it ever gone?"
Exactly!
"Dear Alan, I threw urine on prison guard today."
"Blamed it on cellmate. Wish you were here."
Yeah, I wish I could've seen that.
Letter after letter of total nonsense...
...except for one common thread:
You guys!
The wolf pack.
Jesus Christ, Alan.
Five weeks ago, Chow escaped from maximum security detention.
Oh, f*ck.
He stowed aboard a shipping freighter bound for the West Coast.
Where is he? I don't know.
Alan, if you know where he is, you tell this man right now.
Phil, I don't know, I swear. I haven't talked to him in months.
We gotta do it the hard way.
STU: Oh, no! DOUG: What the f*ck? Hey!
MARSHALL: Let's go. DOUG: Hey! No! No! What the f*ck?
Whoa, what are you doing?
Doug is my insurance. He stays with me.
You don't give me Chow, I blow his brains out.
You go to the cops...
...I blow his brains out.
That's insane! We don't even know where the f*ck he is!
No one does.
But I figure the wolf pack has the best chance of finding him.
You have three days.
Get to work.
Can you take Stu instead?
f*ck you, Alan.
sh*t.
sh*t!
PHIL: Alan. ALAN: Yeah, Phil?
PHIL: I need you to roll over here and chew off these hand-ties.
ALAN: Okay.
Oh. ALAN: - Damn it!
Ow. Oh, f*ck!
ALAN: Got a little too much steam. PHIL: Get off me.
ALAN: All right, let me just shimmy down.
Would you just hold still? Hold still! PHIL: - Ow.
STU: Help!
Help!
PHIL: Holy sh*t.
What are we gonna do, Stu?
STU: - We're gonna go to the police. Oh, no, we're f*cking not.
Did you hear that guy?
He will k*ll Doug, period.
Chow is a cancer.
He's been a cancer since the first day we met him.
We're gonna hand him over to Marshall and then it's done.
Hey, Phil. Alan, not now.
But I need you, Stu. I can't do this alone.
Do what alone? We have no idea where he even is.
Phil. What, Alan?
I was gonna say I got this strange e-mail the other day.
I wasn't sure what it meant, but now I think it might be from Chow.
"Fatty, it feels good to be out."
"I'm close by. Tell no one. I'll be in touch."
"Chow."
This says "Chow." How did you not know this was from Chow?
At the time, I thought it was "Chow" like "goodbye."
You know, like, "Chow, arrivederci."
You know, Sbarro, Papa John's. I'm writing him back.
Whoa, wait, wait. Just hold on.
Gonna tell him you're happy he's out and you'd love to see him.
Ooh, I would love to see him.
Do you even know what's going on?
Yes, I do. Phil's doing all the work, I'm his assistant...
...you're standing there looking like an idiot. I'm gonna arrange a meeting...
...and we're gonna take him out. "Take him out"?
Who says that? How do we take someone out?
We'll use dr*gs.
Prescription dr*gs.
You know, the kind a dentist has access to.
Good luck finding a dentist who will write fake prescriptions.
Oh, I know one. His name is Stuart Price.
Now let's go find a f*cking pharmacy.
Whoo! You just got schooled, son.
Are you coming or not?
I don't like this plan.
Okay, then. Ciao.
(ALAN LAUGHS)
I got a pretty dope sense of humor, bro!
(ALAN CONTINUES LAUGHING)
MAN: This amount with syringes is just weird. Go check it out.
Everything okay?
Well, it's just a strange request.
This drug in this amount and a pack of syringes.
It's just a little weird. Yeah.
It's just kind of an emergency, so...
See, that right there, and you're acting all fidgety, plus you look like sh*t...
...in our business, these are all red flags.
I need to call the doctor, make sure everything's okay.
Aha. You're in luck, because I actually am the prescribing doctor.
Oh, boy. Another red flag.
It says here you're a dentist.
Yeah. Doctor of Dental Science.
This is f*cked up.
Hey, Dad?
I think we got a live one.
How'd we do?
We did good. I got Demerol, a pack of syringes...
...and almost lost my dental license.
What about Chow? Anything? No.
Oh, look at this. He e-mailed me like 20 minutes ago.
Alan, we've been sit...
Give me the phone, please.
What does it say? Oh, wow.
He wants to meet Alan tonight at 8. It says come alone.
Come alone where? A bus stop.
In Tijuana.
Tijuana's the b*mb.
Oh, f*ck.
No, that's perfect. No, it's like a three-hour drive from here.
Yeah, Stu, try reading a map.
Yeah, Alan, try reading anything ever.
Yeah, Stu, try not having such big horse teeth.
PHIL: All right, we need a plan.
They're meeting on a bus bench in a public place...
...so Alan needs to convince Chow to go someplace more private.
Someplace where we can sneak up on him and drug him.
Like where?
I don't know, like an alley.
What about a movie theater?
f*ck, that's actually a great idea.
The lights go down...
...we take the seats behind him, we jab him and it's f*cking done.
I'll jab him if you want. I've drugged people before.
Yeah, us.
No offense, but we're not letting you handle any dr*gs. You'll k*ll someone.
Oh, please, I'm an expert.
Remember the marshmallows in Thailand?
Yeah?
I made it so you could eat at least three before hitting a fatal dose.
Wait.
So you're saying I would've d*ed if I had had four?
Nobody eats four marshmallows, Stu.
That insane theory is the only reason I'm still alive?
Yes! And you're welcome, by the way.
STU: Don't say "you're welcome" for almost k*lling me.
Fine. Thank you.
You're welcome. g*dd*mn it!
(THE COASTERS' "DOWN IN MEXICO" PLAYING ON RADIO)
PHIL: Oh, God.
You know, you were right.
About what? That place in Arizona. It's not gonna help him.
There is no facility that can fix this guy.
We're gonna spend the rest of our lives dealing with him...
...because we're all he has now.
You realize that? We're it.
Oh, sh*t, check it out.
Is that Chow?
Hey, fat stuff.
Leslie. Uh-uh-uh.
Act cool. Eyes forward. Yeah, okay.
Anyone follow you? No, I don't think so.
Good, good.
Gotta keep low profile right now. Chow wanted man.
Can't trust anyone.
Quick, give me some sugar. Come on, come on, come on.
PHIL: What the f*ck?
Did he just kiss him?
Listen, I'm in a bit of a pickle, Alan.
I need a friend. Well, I'm your friend, Leslie.
Exactly. That's why I called you down here.
You're the only person I can trust in this sh*t-hole of a life.
That's not true. Stu and Phil are your friends.
Oh, really?
That's interesting.
Where are they?
Around. Around where?
I don't know.
m*therf*cker! I told you to come alone! Leslie.
sh*t.
What happened? STU: - Is he leaving?
ALAN: We'll talk more! I'll give you another kiss!
STU: He's coming this way.
Get down. Get down.
PHIL: - f*ck. Leslie!
Oh, f*ck.
Get out of the car, you mutts! Leslie, no!
Get off me, fat clown! Chow! Chow, calm down!
Who sent you? No one! No.
We just wanted to see you! Liar! No one wants to see Chow!
No, we... We miss you.
What? We miss you, Chow!
That's it. Yeah.
We miss you.
You miss me?
So much.
You miss Chow.
Yeah, buddy.
We love you, Chow.
(SINGING) I hurt myself today To see if I still feel I focus on the pain The only thing that's real What have I become What the f*ck am I watching?
My sweetest friend Everyone I know Goes away in the end Is that gonna be enough? STU: - Oh, yeah.
This will take about a minute to kick in. We'll tell the waitress he's drunk.
By the time we get to the car, he'll be out cold.
My empire of dirt I will let you down I will make you hurt
(CROWD APPLAUDS)
Alan, sit down.
That was really nice, Chow.
Thanks, Phil.
The key is to sing from your heart.
So Mexico, huh? What are you doing down here?
You know, f*cking, doing blow. Same old, same old.
Ooh, I got into cockfighting.
Oh, cockfighting. That sounds wonderful. CHOW: - Yes.
Basically, been k*lling it down here.
That is just terrific. Right?
I mean, that's terrific. I think that calls for a toast.
I like that.
To k*lling it. k*lling it.
Yeah, to k*lling it.
Mm.
You okay, Chow?
I don't know. You tell me.
(CHUCKLES)
So how many rooster birds do you have, Chow?
Aah! Huh?
Shh. Act cool or I open his vein. Oh, my God.
Why you wanna drug poor Chow?
No, no. It's not what you think. There's this guy Marshall.
Marshall? How you know that fat f*ck?
He says you took his gold. He's got Doug. He'll k*ll him unless we bring you back.
It's true! I swear to God, it's true!
Chow. Chow, that's the truth.
g*dd*mn it!
That m*therf*cker.
Stu, you okay?
You all right? No.
PHIL: We're sorry, Chow.
We're sorry.
We didn't know what else to do. Next time, don't lie to Chow.
You're right. You are so right, and we made a huge mistake.
So, what do we do now?
CHOW: That depends.
Can I trust you?
What is this place, Chow?
CHOW: My house.
Chow used to be on top of the world.
Had three beautiful homes in three different countries.
But this one, my Mexican villa...
...this was my favorite.
And everything got f*cked.
Chow go to prison, all my property seized.
My homes...
...sold at auction to highest bidders.
But I know something no one else knows.
This house is where I stashed the gold.
Marshall's gold? Yep.
Hid it inside the basement wall.
No one knows it's there.
We're gonna go get it.
Wait. You mean break in?
Look, Marshall wants his gold.
And he's gonna hunt me down until he gets it.
If we show up without it, he'll k*ll me.
We're not breaking in anywhere.
Not anywhere, Stu. My house.
It's piece of cake.
I know every square inch of this place.
The best part, the guy we're stealing it from doesn't even know it's there.
So he'll never know it's gone.
You guys know what's going on, right?
What do you mean?
Well, and please correct me if I'm wrong, we're not breaking into this house.
This house is too small.
We're breaking into another house. This is just a model, right?
What? Alan, no!
My chickens!
(PHIL GRUNTING AND STU SCREAMING)
Oh, sh*t!
PHIL: Chow, what the f*ck?
CHOW: Watch out for the claws! They're trained to k*ll!
His beak is so sharp!
Ow! Ow!
(g*nsh*t)
Oh, f*ck! Stay still, I'm trying to help.
Don't! STU: - Get it off!
f*cking bull's-eye! Are you out of your mind?
sh**t it! sh**t it! sh**t it!
PHIL: Stu, the window!
Get it out! Okay, okay!
Get it out!
CHOW: Shh, shh, shh.
Don't struggle. Let go.
You won a lot of fights, Wallace.
Not this time.
(GRUNTING)
What the f*ck is wrong with those chickens? They're angry.
All I feed them is cocaine.
And chicken.
(CHOW LAUGHS)
PHIL: That's some house, Chow.
CHOW: It was my Shangri-La. Now it's gone.
Could you not spit inside my minivan, please? Jesus.
Who lives there now?
CHOW: Some dot-com millionaire. He's never here.
This is a vacation home.
The help doesn't show up on Sundays.
No one there but the guard dogs. Stu?
We'll toss these burgers over the gate, wait for the Demerol to kick in.
Make sure you put in enough to k*ll them.
We're not gonna k*ll the dogs, Chow.
This will knock them out for hours.
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you worked for PETA.
What a p*ssy. Ha-ha-ha.
(BARKING)
Alan, take that.
Aah!
(GRUNTING)
Where are you going? You'll see.
Pardon me, little loser.
Excuse me, f*cking assh*le.
Follow me.
CHOW: Okay, here's the deal: two security panels inside.
If you cut only one wire, it triggers alarm.
Place will be crawling with cops.
But if you cut wire on both panels at same time, alarm disabled.
Yeah, but how are we gonna get inside without tripping the alarm?
Check this out.
(CHOW CHUCKLES)
Any more stupid questions? PHIL: - Whoa.
Now, who's coming with me?
I'll do it.
You wanna tell him?
Oh, um...
Alan, you're just too fat.
Roger that.
Ow. Ahh.
CHOW: You kicked me, you m*therf*cker.
No, no, no. Don't get up. Will trip motion detectors.
Stay low like dog.
Okay. Good idea.
Which way? In there. The kitchen.
Aah! What the f*ck is that?
Ha, ha. I'm saying hello. We're dogs, remember?
(CHOW LAUGHS)
Hey, Stu?
Check it out.
Oh, my God! So gross!
(RETCHES)
(LAUGHING)
God! Chow, cut it out!
Okay, I'm here.
Now what?
Pull the cover off so you can see the wires.
Okay.
Okay. Done!
CHOW: Okay, on three, cut the gray wire.
One, two...
STU: Wait. Wait, wait, wait!
I don't have a gray wire. I have red, green and yellow.
That's weird. I have light gray, medium gray, dark gray.
You do?
m*therf*cker.
My bad. I'm colorblind.
You're what?
CHOW: f*ck it, just cut the middle one.
No, my middle one could be different. The wires are all twisted.
CHOW: - On three. One, two... Chow, stop!
God.
Hold on, I'm coming to you.
What the f*ck's taking them so long?
Where'd you get that shirt, the Diesel store?
Phil.
What?
It's a cute top. Where did you get that shirt?
CHOW: What's the problem?
Just point to the wire you want me to cut.
This gray one right here. Great.
For your information, that's green.
Ooh, tsk, tsk, tsk.
Which one's red?
The one in your left hand.
Wait, which hand is that? I'm also dyslexic. What the f*ck?
Where'd you get it? I don't know. I'll find out, I'll get you one.
There's a cool Diesel store in the mall that I like to go to. Right next to the food court.
I don't know if it's Diesel.
Looks like a Diesel.
What's the matter with you?
Okay, you're still holding the one I left you with, right?
CHOW: Pretty much. Heh, heh.
STU: Oh, f*ck.
All right. On three!
One...
...two...
...three.
(SIGHS)
CHOW: Holy sh*t, it worked.
All good?
Easy peasy. PHIL: - All right.
You have no idea.
Come on.
Whoops.
Jesus, be careful, Chow. Ha, ha.
f*ck this guy.
Living in my house. Living my life.
Can we just stick to the plan?
Fine.
Ha, ha. Ruined.
He is completely out of control.
Let's just get this done.
This way. Come on, come on.
It's buried behind this wall.
Alan. Here you go, boss.
Aah!
f*ck!
You okay? CHOW: - Yeah, I'm okay.
Just warming up.
It's so heavy. Do we have a lighter one?
Why don't you just let me do it, Chow? Okay. Either way, you or me. Same thing.
You might wanna take your shirt off. Makes it easier.
What? I've heard that too.
(PANTING)
See that? Chow come back for you.
PHIL: That's the last of it.
You sure?
Yeah. You triple sure?
Yes! Good! Heh-heh-heh.
Chow?
Chow?
Chow!
Chow!
Chow!
Chow!
Chow, open this f*cking door right now!
PHIL: Chow!
(ALARM BLARING)
OFFICER: Stuart Price.
No felonies. One arrest:
Las Vegas, Nevada.
Phil Wenneck.
No felonies. One arrest:
Also Las Vegas, Nevada.
Alan Garner.
Is this record accurate?
Uh-huh.
I did that. Mm-hm.
Yeah.
Masturbating on a city bus. Yep, that was me.
Look, we've been here for 5 hours.
We already told your guys everything.
No.
You told them a story about a little Chinese man.
Leslie Chow. He's an international criminal. Look it up.
A little Chinese man that no one in town has seen or heard of.
The hotel where you say he's staying? No one there.
Probably because he left town.
That's one theory.
Another theory is that you're lying.
(ALAN LAUGHING)
"Lewd behavior, cr*cker Barrel, Christmas Eve."
(SPEAKING IN SPANISH)
Excuse me.
We're f*cking dead.
Why would Mr. Chow do this?
Because he's a greedy piece of sh*t who used us.
Yeah, but he's our friend. Oh.
Grow up, Alan.
You're free to leave.
All the charges have been dropped.
By who?
OFFICER: It's your lucky day.
There's a car waiting for you out front.
Come on, let's go.
PHIL: Oh, Jesus.
What?
I'm sorry.
What is this?
Get in the car.
PHIL: Excuse me, sir?
Where we headed?
(DOORS LOCK)
Welcome back.
What the f*ck? Let's go, guys.
Out to the back.
Doug? Guys. Careful.
Get your ass back over here.
Leslie Chow never lived here.
You didn't break into his old house.
You broke into my house.
I don't understand.
You didn't get back the gold he stole from me.
You got the other half that he didn't.
Oh. my God!
What, you mean the half he never had?
He's a world-class rat, and you three were his accomplices.
No! We had no idea.
We were trying to help you. We thought you'd be happy!
Thank you so much.
Thank you for ripping me off.
Thank you for desecrating my home!
And thank you for k*lling my f*cking dogs!
We didn't k*ll your dogs. They're just tranquilized.
Oh, right.
You don't know.
Chow snapped their necks on his way out. What?
And somebody's gotta pay.
He's right. No, no, no! Aah!
(ALL SCREAMING)
(ALAN WAILING)
My head of security.
Couldn't stop three fuckups and a Chinaman with a pair of wire cutters.
Unreal.
Aw. Man.
That's okay. I know it's scary.
Hector. Run upstairs and grab a pair of sweatpants for Alan here.
I'm a 44 slim.
Can you bring me a few options?
You found Chow once. Find him again.
And my gold.
Wait.
We don't even have a car. Chow stole my minivan.
Take the limo. Hector has the keys.
And get going.
I'm k*lling Dougs today.
I never saw anyone get k*lled before. Right?
My God, that was so intense.
I mean, he just fell and then he's dead.
I feel sick.
Me too.
Well, maybe we should get some food, guys.
What are we gonna do? We have no idea where Chow is.
I don't know.
He took your minivan. We could report it stolen...
...and then they could track him down?
It's worth a sh*t.
Oh, f*ck!
I left my phone in the minivan.
Well, if you lost your phone, Phil, I have that Find My Phone app.
We have bigger problems than that, Alan.
No, wait, wait, wait. If your phone's in the minivan...
...and Chow has the minivan, then your phone's with Chow!
You heard him. We have bigger problems than that, Stu.
Alan, give me your phone. Quick.
That's brilliant. Yes.
Wait, what's your password? "Hey Phil."
Yeah? No, that's it.
What? That's my password.
"Hey Phil."
It is it.
Phil gets it.
Nothing worse than losing your phone.
You just saw a man get m*rder*d. Your brother-in-law is kidnapped.
You sure there's nothing worse?
You don't get it, Stu.
You just don't get it, do you?
I have over 60 apps on that phone.
What if I lost my phone?
Do you have any idea how much time and man-hours it would take...
...to re-download those apps?
You are right. I had not thought of that. Thank you.
Oh, God, it's not always about you, Stu!
It's locating.
Oh, God, of course. What?
Where is he?
He's in f*cking Vegas.
Shotgun. Oh.
Oh, no.
Hey, Stu?
I don't enjoy talking to you that way.
I don't know why you insist on making me blow my top.
We've been on a lot of adventures together...
...but it seems like you haven't learned anything.
Anything!
You think on it.
I'll be in the limo.
He's okay.
Someone needs to burn this place to the ground.
I told myself I would never come back.
Well, don't worry.
It all ends tonight.
It says 200 yards up on the right.
And there it is.
Amazing.
Looks like he ditched it.
It's open. No sh*t.
Well, look around.
Let's see if he left anything in here.
I found the Demerol. Good. Keep it, we're gonna need it.
I got my phone. No f*cking keys, though.
Alan, anything? No, not even the gold.
Why the f*ck would Chow come down here? I know, right?
Why here?
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): You can't match the pure strength and power...
...of John Cena!
- Cena puts Punk down! CASSIE: - Oh! Ha, ha.
Nice!
Excuse me. Have you happened to see the driver...
...of that minivan that's out front? Short Asian guy?
Yeah, they're all short.
Ha, ha. That's so true.
Right, but he may have been trying to pawn some gold.
That would be my business, wouldn't it?
ALAN: I like your T-shirt.
I saw that show at the Forum.
He played "Captain Jack."
Yeah, I heard that was legendary.
Woman...
...you have no idea.
Try me.
Cassie, I'm hungry. I thought you ordered Chinese.
Mom, I'm with a customer!
You'll eat when I say it's time to eat! But the doctor...
If you don't reverse that right now, there's gonna be hell to pay.
(LAUGHS)
(ALAN CONTINUES LAUGHING)
She's rude.
Thank you.
Yeah, you hear that, Ma? Nobody likes you!
Yeah, keep your mouth shut!
Whoa.
You're smart.
A Chinese guy came in here earlier.
It was pretty weird.
He pawned a gold brick.
The thing's worth 400 grand, he took 18,000.
Did he say where he was going? I'm sorry, was I talking to you?
He said he wanted three things:
He wanted some girls, some guys and some bath salts.
I gave him a card for an escort service and he took off.
Pretty high-end, so good luck getting anything out of them.
Thank you.
(RETCHES)
We gotta go. We should go.
Yeah. Yeah.
I'll get it, I'll get it. I'll get it.
Anything?
No, I'm still on hold.
Oh, look how happy this f*cking guy is.
Have you ever witnessed a moment with that much heat?
I mean, white-hot heat, bro!
No, it was pretty intense.
Yeah!
STU: Yeah, it's actually an emergency.
He has a thick Asian accent.
I totally get it...
...but this is a highly unusual circumstance and...
Okay. All right.
It's an escort service.
They're not gonna tell us sh*t.
Maybe an escort would.
You still have her number? Yeah, but...
...it'd be pretty awkward.
It's all we got.
She smiled at me again, from inside the shop.
Ha, ha. This is the best day of my life.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
ALL: Hey!
Oh, my God, you guys.
It's been so long.
Come in, come in. Thank you.
You look great. So do you! You're pregnant.
I feel so fat.
Oh, please.
Do you guys mind taking your shoes off? I'm a germ freak.
Yeah, sure. Of course.
Alan.
Alan, what are you doing?
ALAN: Sorry.
Wow, you have a great house. JADE: - Thank you.
I got married a year ago to a surgeon.
Another doctor, can you believe it? Another doctor.
His name's Jeff. You guys would love him.
Tyler, say hi to Mommy's friends.
Hi.
Hey. Hey.
Wait, is that the baby?
JADE: Yeah, time flies, huh?
STU: Wow.
Jade is there a place we could talk that's a little bit more private?
Let's go in the kitchen. You guys want coffee?
Perfect.
Hey. you coming?
Is it okay if I go say hello to the little guy?
Of course.
Nice stuff.
Thanks. Jeff bought it for me.
Jeff. Who's that, your fake dad?
Your name was Carlos once.
Did you know that?
No.
Well, it was.
And, frankly, it suits you better.
Okay.
Do you remember me?
No.
Are you my real dad?
Yes.
I don't know. You gotta understand, I've been out of that world a few years now.
Yeah, of course. We totally get that.
I mean, Jeff knows everything and he's cool, but...
We're just asking if you can call around...
...just find out if anybody might know where he is.
We could really use your help.
You used to love it when I would carry you around.
Sometimes I can still feel your little head on my chest.
So do you like this new Jeff guy?
Yeah, he's nice.
My dad was nice too. We did everything together.
He was my life partner, heh.
I really let him down.
Okay. Wow.
Just trust me, you don't want to go over there, okay? Not this one.
I love you too.
She says there's this crazy Chinese guy...
...and he's holed up in the penthouse suite of Caesars Palace.
There's girls going in and out, dr*gs everywhere...
It sounds like a bad scene.
PHIL: Hey, Alan?
We gotta go.
I gotta go, little man.
It was great talking to you.
High five.
It's great to see you. You too, Jade.
Thanks so much for your help. Yeah.
That's a great kid you got there.
He is the best.
TYLER: Alan.
Oh, hold on. I have something for you.
Perfect.
Oh, please.
I'll see you around, Carlos.
(PHONE RINGS)
Yeah. STU: - We got him.
Great. Where is he? STU: - Caesars Palace.
Change of plans. Tell him we're going to Vegas.
I'm on my way.
There's a spot just outside of town.
(OVER PHONE) I'll text you the details. Be there at 6 a.m.
And make sure the little fucker's tied up.
We don't have him.
Hey, Marshall, it's Phil.
Maybe Stu wasn't clear.
We don't actually have Chow, we just know where he is.
Yeah, and we were hoping that you and your guys...
- ...could go to Caesars and get him. I don't give a f*ck what you were hoping.
(OVER PHONE) The deal is you bring Chow to me.
Oh, f*ck. 6 a.m. Or your friend is dead.
sh*t.
STU: Oh, God.
This place gives me the chills.
I know, right?
It's great to be back.
So many good memories. Are you kidding me?
Okay, so here's the deal:
You need a key just to get onto his floor.
And then once you're there, he's got security posted at the door.
It's ridiculous.
Let me guess, that's him?
PHIL: Yep. The one with the strobe lights.
I got an idea.
But you're not gonna like it.
It's not gonna work.
Not with that f*cking attitude.
You know this whole place is made out of marbles?
Come on. Go, go, go.
PHIL: After we stick Chow, Alan and I are gonna take him down through the lobby.
Be waiting in valet. Engine running, ready to go.
Are you sure about this?
Give me the Demerol.
See you in 20 minutes.
STU: - Hey, Phil? Yeah?
STU: Don't die.
(RAKIM MAYERS' "F**KIN' PROBLEMS" PLAYING ON STEREO)
PHIL: All right.
Are you ready to do this?
Yeah.
Wait, what are we doing?
Holy sh*t.
PHIL: We're gonna climb down...
...and then it's about an 8-foot drop to the balcony.
All right? Yeah.
No, you spit in your own hand.
Oh, yeah.
(ALAN SNORTING)
(CONTINUES SNORTING)
Dry desert air.
Alan, it's fine. You don't need it. Okay.
Oh, God.
Unh! Careful!
Phil! I'm all right.
I'm okay!
Hey, Phil. What's wrong?
Hold on a second.
What? Hold on!
Like, kick yourself out a little bit.
Alan.
Stay still! Alan!
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Did you get it?
No. Hold on.
(SHUTTER CLICKS)
Ha, that's cool, ha-ha-ha.
Oh! f*ck me!
ALAN: Everything all right?
It's okay!
It's all right!
I got it! Whoa.
Are you okay?
(RAKIM MAYERS' "F**KIN' PROBLEMS" CONTINUES PLAYING ON STEREO)
Alan, it's your turn.
That's it.
Phil, I can't. I can't.
PHIL: Come on.
(ALAN WHIMPERING)
(ALAN SCREAMS)
PHIL: Whoa!
Alan, you all right?
Phil, call Security!
I think it's slipping! PHIL: - Just hold on!
Oh! God!
You need to calm down. I'm slipping, Phil!
Oh! f*ck!
Oh, sh*t! You okay?
Help!
Oh, no.
I'm gonna die, Phil.
No, you're fine. Just...
Drop down to me.
ALAN: No chance.
I'm good up here.
Alan, you can do this. I'll catch you.
Just...
...let go.
That's it. That's it. Just drop straight down.
But don't push off.
No!
Oh, God! Come here!
Holy f*ck!
You okay?
Yeah.
sh*t. Oh, f*ck.
I almost d*ed, Phil.
Come on. I wasn't gonna let you go. You're my boy.
And you're my man.
Alan, what are you doing? Alan.
Okay.
Let's go get this fucker.
(BLACK SABBATH'S "N.I.B." PLAYING OVER STEREO)
Hey!
Have you seen my...?
Huh?
ALAN: Phil!
m*therf*ckers!
PHIL: Grab the g*n!
Oh, f*ck! ALAN: - Phil!
PHIL: Oh.
Phil, you okay?
PHIL: Chow!
Chow!
(GRUNTS)
Chow, open the f*cking door!
f*ck.
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
PHIL: Chow, stop.
You m*therf*ckers!
Leslie, get down from there! Please! You're gonna hurt yourself!
Nothing hurts Chow.
I am invisible!
It's "invincible," and you're not. You're just out of your f*cking mind.
Now get down from there before you die!
Die?
How do you k*ll what's already dead? Heh-heh-heh.
Oh, f*ck!
PHIL: Holy...
CHOW: Woo-hoo!
(PHONE RINGS)
Hey. You okay? PHIL: - No.
Look up.
(STU GASPS)
What the f*ck is that?
PHIL: That's Chow! STU: What?
Follow him.
CHOW: Woo-hoo!
Whoo!
(LAUGHING)
I love cocaine!
Out of the way!
(PEOPLE SCREAMING)
How did this happen?
PHIL: We had him trapped, and then he jumped!
He's out of his f*cking mind!
CHOW: I'm out of my f*cking mind!
(CHOW LAUGHING)
Wow.
So beautiful.
PHIL: Stu, do not lose him.
STU: I'm trying.
Whoa!
(STU SIGHS)
Oh, sh*t.
CHOW (SINGING): I believe I can fly I believe I can touch the sky Think about it every night and day We gotta pack up all this gold. We're taking it with us.
Talk to me, Stu.
I got him.
Ha, ha. I got him!
Oh, sh*t!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
sh*t.
f*ck! I lost him!
Don't tell me that. You can't lose him!
STU: This is so much harder than you realize, Phil.
I'm just a dentist!
No, Stu, you're a f*cking doctor. Now go get him.
Where the f*ck did he go?
CHOW: f*ck me!
I should have thought this through!
sh*t!
(CHOW GRUNTS)
Move!
Aah! Stu?
Chow? Stop the f*cking car!
PHIL: - Stu. I can't! The pedal is stuck!
What? PHIL: - Stu?
(CHOW SCREAMING)
STU: I can't see! Stop, m*therf*cker!
STU: Get off! CHOW: Pull over!
STU: It won't stop! CHOW: Aah!
Get off the car!
I can't see anything!
Ha-ha-ha. We're gonna die finally.
(CAR HORN HONKING)
(BOTH SCREAMING)
(CHOW LAUGHING)
STU: Holy sh*t.
PHIL: Stu? Stu, what happened?
Stu, what's going on?
STU: We had an accident, and I think he's dead.
PHIL: Wait, what?
I think I k*lled him.
Holy sh*t.
He's not moving.
PHIL: Oh, f*ck.
STU: Mr. Chow?
Chow.
(CHOW COUGHING)
Stuart?
He's alive. He's okay.
PHIL: Oh, great.
Put him in the limo and come get us. We'll meet you at valet.
Yeah, okay.
Stu.
That was some ride, huh, pal?
Yeah, it was pretty wild.
I can't feel my nuts.
Would you rub them and make sure they okay?
It's over, Leslie.
CHOW: Wait.
Let's make a deal.
Want Chow to blow your d*ck?
Come on, Stu.
I could be a good wife to you.
STU: No more deals. No, wait!
Let's put the bags in the back seat.
Trunk's full.
(THUMPING FROM TRUNK)
CHOW: Hey, guys? I'm feeling better now.
All right, it's the next exit, then four miles straight into the desert.
CHOW: Tell you what:
Let me out, we split the gold four ways. Everyone wins.
(THUMPING FROM TRUNK)
CHOW: Marshall gonna k*ll me!
My blood will be on your hands!
You want Chow's ghost haunting you for rest of your life, Stu?
Floating over you while you make f*ck on your wife?
He's not gonna k*ll you, Chow! He just wants his gold back!
CHOW: It's gone. I blew the first 20 million in Bangkok.
That's why I had to get the other half. Enough, Chow! It's over!
CHOW: You m*therf*cker!
When I get out of this, I'm gonna rip out your f*cking lungs!
You hear me? You're dead! You're all dead!
I didn't mean that.
Chow loses temper sometimes.
Please. I need help.
I know that now.
That's the exit.
PHIL: They're here.
Alan, they're coming, grab the last bag.
CHOW: Please, Alan.
Doug!
Step away from the bags. Let's go!
We good?
It's all there. I promise. MARSHALL: - Not exactly.
I'm still missing the original half.
But, no, that's all we have. Chow said he blew the other half in Bangkok.
Where is he?
He's in the trunk.
Deal's a deal.
Doug. Give me the keys.
What are you gonna do with Chow?
I just wanna talk to him.
Move.
You all right?
What the f*ck?
End of conversation.
Why would you do that?
Leslie Chow is madness.
You don't talk to madness.
If you're lucky, you trap it in the trunk of your limo and you k*ll it.
You did a great thing tonight.
You should feel good about this.
What the f*ck? You think this is a f*cking game?
Don't, don't, don't!
Oh, sh*t!
Toodle-loo, m*therf*ckers.
Chow.
Chow. Chow, wait.
Oh, now you wanna talk, blue eyes?
No more silent treatment?
Leslie. No.
Stay out of this, fatty.
No, Leslie.
You sh**t Phil, you gotta go through me.
What?
Alan. Quiet.
I'm in a stare-off.
Today you all live.
Because one of you was a friend.
Alan, what did you do?
I unlocked the latch between the back seat and the trunk.
And left him his g*n?
Yeah, I didn't think it all the way through.
He gave Chow a fighting chance.
That's all I ever need.
CHOW: Fat f*ck.
It's never easy, is it?
No one wants to see that.
Except for me, but I was born bad.
Hold on. I have something for you.
For your loyalty.
Oh, no, I don't want this, Mr. Chow. Okay, give it back, then. Come on.
Quick! Before Stu smells it.
I don't want it either, Chow.
Oh, please. Like a squirrel doesn't want a nut.
(CHOW LAUGHING)
It funny because he's Jewish.
Don't you get it?
g*dd*mn it.
Okay, go on. Get out of here, all of you.
Hey, chubster, I'll call you in a week. We'll get together.
No, Leslie, we can't be friends anymore.
What?
You're not good for me. It's not healthy.
Alan, you're not thinking straight.
Let's just talk tomorrow.
Leslie, you're one of the coolest and nicest guys I've ever met.
And you're smart and you're funny and everybody loves you.
Alan. What is this?
When we get together, bad things happen and people get hurt.
Yeah, that's the point. It's funny.
Well, I've gotta make some changes in my life, and this is one of them.
I'm sorry.
Farewell, Leslie Chow.
You're cold as ice.
Shotgun.
(PHIL SIGHS)
Everybody okay?
Yeah.
PHIL: Alan, you okay?
Yeah.
Good. Let's go home.
Jesus Christ.
You know what, guys?
You can go ahead without me. There's something I need to do.
Do you even know how to get home?
Of course I do. I'm a grown man.
I'll ask a stranger.
Good luck, Alan.
We'll see you soon.
Did you know that just a couple blocks from here...
...there's a place that looks exactly like Paris, France?
I can't remember what it's called, but it's supposed to be magnificent.
It's called Paris Hotel and Casino, and it is magnificent.
Yeah, that's it.
Well, I'd like to take you to dinner there. Tonight.
Oh, sorry. No can do.
Oh, well...
I'm banned from the casino for life.
Plus 10 years.
I took Mom there for her birthday, played a little blackjack.
She split 10s.
Oh. I may have overreacted.
They said it was abuse of an elderly.
Ha, ha. I've done that.
Heh. Right? Whatever.
I can't go back there.
But, uh...
...Golden Nugget has the best prime rib in town, if that's...
Well, that sounds glorious.
I'll send for you at 8:00.
Is that it?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
I saw it once in a p*rn.
Oh.
It's a nice gesture.
But maybe we should wait.
Oh. Okay. Yeah, yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
I'll see you at 8.
You look great, Alan.
What do you think? Hat or no hat?
Uh...
Hat. For sure. Oh, yeah. Okay.
Wow. Who's this guy?
The vest and the cane? I love it.
Thank you. Cassie picked it out for me.
You look like Mr. Peanut.
Yeah, I know, right? That's what I was going for.
Maybe we'll just lose it. Yeah.
Hey, Alan, I was just talking to Cassie. She's an amazing woman.
Oh, thank you for saying that. She is an amazing woman.
I find her much better than your wives.
Aw. That's sweet.
Which reminds me. Um, we need to talk. Doug?
All right, listen, fellas.
Now that I'm getting married, I'm gonna be spending a lot more time with Cassandra.
Yeah. It's the way it should be. No, you slow your roll, Phil, okay?
There's more.
And you're not gonna like this part.
I must resign from the wolf pack.
Wow, that's a big step, Alan.
ALAN: I know.
But she's my soul mate.
And my new best friend.
Plus, she lets me mount her...
...which relaxes me.
Oh, my God.
Alan, maybe never say that part again.
Chillax, Doug, we're all adults here.
I know you mount my sister. I've seen it. Many times.
What?
Alan, you are the best.
The point is:
You need to let me go.
You in particular.
I can't be your hero anymore.
Okay. Sure.
Having said all that...
...I still would like to get together on Tuesdays for bowling...
...and alternating Sundays for general horseplay.
How about we play all that by ear? Alan, it's time.
Here we go.
Ready?
(SIGHS)
I'm ready.
(PHIL GRUNTING)
What the f*ck?
Oh.
(GLASS SHATTERS)
(STU LAUGHING)
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my God.
You guys.
We're so crazy.
I'm wearing women's underwear. Ha-ha-ha.
Oh, my God. Ha-ha-ha.
Stu, don't freak out, but you need to look down.
What?
Oh, my God!
(CASSIE CONTINUES LAUGHING)
(YELLS)
PHIL: Ho-ho-ho. Aah!
(CASSIE CONTINUES LAUGHING)
PHIL: Oh, f*ck!
I have boobies now!
Holy sh*t!
STU: It's not funny!
Alan, what did you do?
What did you do, Alan?
The wedding cake.
It was from Leslie.
(GLASS BREAKING)
Oh, my God.
We had a sick night, b*tches. Heh-heh-heh.
(SCREAMING)
Hangover Part III (2013)
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