19x07 - Wild Wild West

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪


Peter, I just hit a pothole in the road and got a flat.

The man who helped us gave her his card.

I'd keep an eye on that.

This town is falling apart.

Last week the bridge over the collapsed bridge collapsed.

Well, you're a middle-aged woman with no job.

Maybe you should get really worked up about it.

You know what? I think I will.

I'm going down to city hall to complain.

This town needs a mayor.

Y-You forgot your baby. Miss?

Thank you all for coming over to help us find the best candidate for mayor.

This room is so diverse, so I'm assuming many of you have agendas.

But let's keep in mind we need a mayor who will represent all of Quahog and not just satisfy your weird little fringe issues, which are important, but not very important.

As a descendent of Quahog's Puritan forefathers,

I think we should be able to throw a woman into a pond to see if she's a witch.

That seems a bit extreme, don't you think?

That's exactly what a witch would say.

Lois, you're making this harder than it needs to be.

Just get a former Batman and move on.

I'm sure Val Kilmer could use the insurance.

Peter, we're not going to get a former Batman.

That has been pitched every day since Adam West d*ed and the response has been tepid at best.

We need someone with fresh ideas.

Someone who knows the issues.

Well, if you're looking for someone with issues,

I think you've found your candidate.

(LAUGHS)

(STEWIE LAUGHS)

I had to go to bed early because it's a grown-up party, but Mom said if I was quiet,

I could listen from the top of the stairs.

You know, I think you might be a really good candidate.

You know the town, you're smart and you clearly have nothing better to do.

So all in favor of the librarian running for mayor say aye.

- ALL: Aye.
- What about ALF?

Let's toast our new mayor um, I'm sorry, I don't even know your name.

Elle. Elle h*tler.

(LAUGHS) No relation.

Elle h*tler? Eh.

Let's all say hi to Elle h*tler.

- Hi, Elle h*tler.
- Yay!

I can't believe Lois wants the librarian to be mayor.

I mean, Mayor West was a legend, and now they're gonna replace him with some third-tier character with a joke name?

- That's Chinatown, Peter.
- What?

I said, "That's Chinatown."
It's from the movie Chinatown.

It means, like, "What are you gonna do? That's Chinatown."

Joe, did you finally get Netflix?

I did. And I just watched Chinatown.

It's kind of gross.

Quahog deserves a cool mayor, like Mayor West was.

But there's no one cooler than Adam West.

If only he had had a offspring.

Speaking of offspring, Faye Dunaway slept with her dad in Chinatown and then had his baby.

Guys, that movie really messed me up.

Wait a second, Mayor West didn't have any kids, but he did have a cousin, Wild West.

You guys don't know Wild West?

No. And please don't diminish us for not knowing the same things you know.

You know how to land an airplane?

No, you don't. Asswipe.

I'm sorry. I see you, Quagmire.

- I do.
- Thank you.

Wild West is a legendary cowboy and a spokesman for everything manly. Look.

♪

WILD WEST: You work hard, and at the end of the day,

you're more than tired.

You're man tired.

And when it's finally time to kick off your boots and relax,

nothing satisfies more than Beef Cigarettes.

♪ Give yourself a treat ♪

♪ Nicotine and meat. ♪

WILD WEST: Beef Cigarettes,

now with less hooves and snouts.

See? He'd be a great mayor.

- Well, what's his stand on abortion?
- What? I don't...

Does he make exceptions in cases of incest?

Because I've seen some things recently that make me think he probably should.

♪

♪

(CHIRPING)

(SHUSHES)

You came at the perfect time.

(CHIRPING)

That was beautiful.

If you think the birth is beautiful, you should see the conception.

Mmm. Jasmine oolong.

What can I do you for, stranger?

My name is Peter Griffin and I'm from Quahog, Rhode Island, where your cousin Adam West was our mayor for many years.

And since he's gone to a better place...

- Duluth?
- I was thinking heaven, but okay, sure.

Beautiful country, Duluth.

The air moves into your nostrils like a welcome guest.

God, that's awesome.

Anyway, I thought you would be the perfect person to take his place as our mayor.

Peter, have you ever k*lled a man?

Reddit says I've k*lled , but that seems low.

- Why do you ask?
- Just making conversation.

Look, I know it's a lot to ask, but Quahog needs you.

You're the perfect person to lead us through the last five years of the United States' existence.

So, what do you say?
Will you be our mayor?

Can I tell you a secret, Peter?

I can levitate.

- No way. Can you show me?
- No. But it's true.

Uh, that seems like the kind of thing you have to prove right when you say it.

Well, I suppose you're right.

I appreciate you coming all this way, Peter, but I can't be your mayor.

- But, Wild West, we need you.
- (WHISTLES)

I'm sorry.

You get home safe, now. Hyah!

♪

Thank you for coming out to celebrate a new day in Quahog.

I would like to ask all the women to please put aside your blinding hatred of other women and vote for this incredibly qualified candidate.

ELIJAH: Stranger comin'!

Stranger comin'!

♪

(NEIGHS)

He came.

Howdy, Quahog.

My name's Wild West, and I'm here to throw my hat in the ring to be your next mayor.

(CROWD CHEERING)

And I want to say one more thing: I can levitate.

- (ALL GASPING)
- But not right now.

That seems like something he should have to prove

- when he says it.
- When he says it.

That's, uh, that's what I said.

Peter, what the hell is wrong with you?

You don't know anything about politics.

Well, you don't know anything about landing a airplane, asswipe.

Besides, Wild West would make a great mayor.

He's a man...

What does that have to do with anything?

Because this is America, Lois.

Men have always run things and there have never been any problems whatsoever.

And don't say the economy or Iraq or income inequality or racism or Brett Kavanaugh or air pollution or Vietnam or sl*very or Watergate or capitalism or #MeToo or homelessness or police brutality or h*m* or Monica Lewinsky or school sh**t or Native American genocide or Fox News or Tim Allen or climate change.

(SIGHS) You make a good point.

But I still think more women should be in positions of power, and I'm gonna work my butt off to make sure the librarian becomes our next mayor.

And I'm gonna prove that Wild West is the better choice.

I've already made my first campaign poster.

I always start too big.

Afternoon, citizen.

My name's Wild West and I'm running for mayor.

- What might your name be?
- Bruce.

Pleasure, Bruce. If'n you don't mind, I'd like to roll up your garden hose for you, the right way.

- Oh, okay.
- You see, Bruce, every hose has a memory.

And you just got to tap into that memory.

You see this kink here?

I, uh... (GULPS) I do see that kink.

Well, a hose is very desirous of its original shape, and if you know how to work those kinks, it should straighten itself right out.

(MOANS) Oh, merciful heavens.

(SIGHS)

If you need some help on your campaign,

I'm very experienced at taking polls.

Wild West, this is my daughter Meg.

She also has a mustache.

I can see that. Nice to meet you, Meg.

Wow, you've got a great voice.

Would you record my outgoing voice-mail message?

Ah, I'd be happy to.

And could you make it sound like one of your truck commercials?

If you're looking for something rugged, something durable, something with an endless supply of gas and a tailgate made for dumping, then you must be looking for Meg Griffin.

Meg might not be much to look at, but with two different-shaped airbags,

Meg is one ride you won't mind taking out to the middle of nowhere and giving it your all.

She's road-ready, and rode hard.

Meg Griffin.

Kindly leave your go-by and Roman numerics at the sound of the chow bell.

(BELL DINGING)

♪

Peter, I don't even know why you're bothering to take me to meet Wild West.

I will never change my mind about him.

That's all I ask.

Afternoon, Griffins.
Glad you could make it.

Can I-can I go play with the barn mustaches?

- Please? Please?
- Of course you can.

(BABBLES EXCITEDLY)

- (CHIRPING)
- (LAUGHS)

Peter said something about me really sticks in your craw.

(CHUCKLES)
Let's not make this sexy, okay?

I just don't think it's fair for you to breeze into town with your rugged good looks and voice of the gods and assume you should be mayor.

Especially when you're taking an opportunity away from a very deserving woman.

That's a fair point, Lois.

Do you mind if I make you a sweater while I respond?

(EXHALES) Uh, no.

No, that would be fine.

Lois, I moved my whole family to Oregon when I was , and it taught me that a town is like a horse.

You don't choose it.

- (BLEATS)
- It chooses you.

And I believe Quahog has chosen me, just like it chose my cousin Adam.

Now, the last thing I want to do is take something from a woman.

There's nothing I respect more than women.

(GIGGLES) Is that so?

Yes'm. I've raised daughters into strong, independent women, I'm a registered doula, and I always order edamame for the table.

(SIGHING): Oh, my God. Oh. Huh.

So, y-you're all alone... up here?

With no one to touch your sweaty biceps?

Huh?

A man's never alone, Lois, so long as he has his principles.

(SHUDDERING): H-H-Holy thundering Lord.

Lois, can we keep it?
I'll take care of it, I promise.

- (CHOMPS)
- Aah!

Ow! He bit me!

I don't like it now.

(SQUEALING)

Peter, do you wanna maybe do some role-playing?

Okay. I'll be Quentin Tarantino, and you be the foot I make a mess on.

No, actually, I-I was thinking that maybe you could pretend to be a cowboy.

Okay.

(SIGHS): Oh, Lois...

LOIS: Uh, make your voice deeper.

- PETER (DEEPER): Oh, Lois...
- Deeper!

PETER (VERY DEEP): Oh, Lois.

LOIS: Good.

Now say, "Beef: it's what's for dinner."

- PETER: I-I don't...
- Say it! (LOUD SLAP)

- PETER (VERY DEEP): Beef...
- Oh, yes.

- It's what's for dinner.
- (LAUGHS): Oh, yes!

Oh, Wild West, Wild West.

PETER: What?!

Peter, what the hell are you wearing?

I went a different direction, cowboy-wise, but don't change the subject!

(PAINT CAN RATTLES)

- Peter, what are you doing?
- I've decided that Wild West is the worst possible person to be mayor, and I'm gonna do whatever I can to stop him.

O-Okay, is this because I called out his name twice during sex and once while I was peeing after?

- That's part of it, yes.
- I'm sorry, Peter, it just slipped out.

Well, I'm sorry I'm the length of a Mike and Ike!

In your dreams.

(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

That one stung, Lois.

(TAKES DEEP BREATH)

Ooh, that one stung.

All right, I'm on your side now.

And if you're gonna b*at Wild West, you have to recognize that one of his greatest strengths is his voice, which makes him sound sexy and smart and sexy and sexy.

Where your voice sounds like your dad's second wife trying to describe something she saw on Facebook.

Oh, speaking of, do you know what a meme is?

What... Course I do.

And it's pronounced "me-me."

Well, the other day, I saw one with the most adorable kitten tangled in a ball of yarn.

(LAUGHING)

And underneath underneath, it said: "(BLEEP) the police."

(LAUGHING)

Okay, that was unexpected, so I'm gonna ignore it and bring in Morgan Freeman, who I've hired to narrate your commercials.

We're gonna fight voice with voice.

Wild West claims to know what's best for Quahog, but there's a better choice.

And I know about choice.

I chose to be in Ted .

Nobody made me.

I wasn't forced at gunpoint.

I relied on my advisors, and they let me down.

"They'll fix the script," they said.

Well, they were wrong.

I thought I'd get to act with a talking teddy bear, but when I got there, it was just two ping-pong balls on a stick.

Or maybe that was Amanda Seyfried.

I don't know.

Okay, thank-thank you.
Thank you, Morgan. Thank you.

Peter, just let me speak to the voters about the issues they're concerned about.

Or, instead of doing that stupid thing, we could sabotage Wild West's campaign.

Come on, you can drive.

Big Garfield fan, huh?

Me, too.

- Not this big.
- You know, a lot of people think I'm obsessed, but I think I'm pretty nermal.

(LAUGHING)

Okay, you reeled me back in.

(QUIETLY): Let's see how popular you are when I cut off your mustache.

(GRUNTS)

How is this so strong?

My hair follicles run deeper than the roots of a sequoia.

Git him, fella.

Oh! Aah! (GRUNTS)

Aah!

Nice work.

MUSTACHE (DEEP VOICE): Thanks, boss.

(BUSHES RUSTLING)

(SIZZLING)

- Uh-oh.
- Hello?

Could somebody help me?

Don't panic, The Librarian.

(SCREAMS)

WILD WEST: Hang on, little lady.

I'm a-comin'.

♪

(GASPS)

- I told you I could levitate.
- You did.

BRUCE: Do the thing with the hose!

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Our top story tonight:

Quahog's new mayor is Wild West.

(CHEERING)

With a final vote of to , it's clear that no one really cared.

Nice job, guys.

Peter, can I talk to you?

- What?
- Look,

I know we've had our differences, but I'm hoping that someday we can bury the hatchet, maybe even be friends.

Until then, I want you to take care of this for me.

(QUIET SQUEAKING)

(GASPS) For me?

Thank you, Wild West.

And... I'm sorry I tried to destroy your reputation by burning down a library.

I can see now that... I'm better than that.

(SQUEAKING)

Wild West, I just want to say congratulations, and I know you'll do a great job for our town.

I appreciate that, Lois, and you can rest easy knowing that you and the good people of Quahog are safe under my watchful eye.

- You ever k*ll a man?
- What?! Why?

Just making conversation.

Wild West, why don't you play us a song?

Aw, shucks, I don't know if I could do that.

(PLAYING INTRO TO "BLUE SHADOWS ON THE TRAIL")

♪ Arizona moon keep shining ♪

♪ From the desert sky above ♪

♪ You know pretty soon ♪

♪ That big yellow moon ♪

♪ Will light the way back ♪

♪ To the one you love ♪

♪ Blue ♪

♪ Shadows ♪

♪ On the trail ♪

♪ Little cowboy ♪

♪ Close your eyes ♪

♪ And dream ♪

♪ All of the doggies ♪

♪ Are in the corral ♪

♪ All of your work is done ♪

♪ Just close your eyes ♪

♪ And dream, little pal ♪

♪ Dream of ♪

♪ Someone ♪

♪ Bom, bom-bom-bom, bom, bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Bom, bom-bom-bom, bom-bom, bom-bom ♪

♪ Bom, bom-bom-bom, bom, bom-bom-bom ♪

♪ Bom, bom-bom-bom, bom-bom, bom-bom, bom. ♪