So here's what you missed on Glee.
Sam and Mercedes are dating and they're actually living together after Sam tried couch surfing at Rachel and Kurt's and they made him move out.
You've been sitting there since I left this morning.
Blaine moved out, too, even though he and Kurt are still together and still getting married, but still they decided it'd be better if they were living apart.
Artie's in New York, too, and he used to date Tina then Brittany then Kitty, but now he's single and on the prowl at film school in Brooklyn.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
America is under att*ck.
Who's about to sneak up to Lady Liberty and punch her in the face?
Is it the marauding Hun blitzkrieging across Europe?
Is it the Imperial Navy, who att*cked our boys at Pearl Harbor?
No.
America faces a much more insidious thr*at: STDs!
Hey, boys.
Did you know there's an epidemic in this country?
Well, there is.
And it could be hiding in your trousers.
Do you know what an STD is?
It's a sexually transmitted disease.
And the numbers are skyrocketing.
And don't think you're not in danger just because you're a handsome idiot, a debonair h*m*, a hapless invalid, or a strapping male soprano.
I'll bet you'd like to know how you can stop this epidemic in its tracks and give Lady Liberty back her dignity.
Why, get tested, of course.
Just say, "I think I may have the clap, please." And you're well on your way to making this country shipshape again.
Hey, boys.
Do you know that an untreated STD can lead to...
- Blindness!
- Sterility!
- Insanity?
- Even death.
Do you want to end up in an iron lung?
No, sir!
Attaboy, soldier.
Feels good, doesn't it, boys?
And how.
Remember, get tested for STD.
Or America will end up R.I.P.
I couldn't agree with you more, Happy Tourist Family.
I love New York.
The culture, the diversity... and, oh, the food.
Hey.
You want the regular, Blaine?
You know it, Aristotle.
Lima's idea of international cuisine is a Taco Bell and Breadstix.
But in NYC, it's a United Nations of restaurants.
From Mexican to Mongolian, Hungarian to Honduran, Vietnamese to Viennese.
And there's always room in the tum-tum for my newest obsession: cronuts.
If a croissant and a donut made sweet, sweet love, their baby would be a cronut, a flaky, yet buoyant sugar-kissed pastry of perfection.
It's sort of become a habit that I enjoy a cronut or two on the way to school.
And maybe on the way back home.
Okay, I'm addicted to them.
But they go great with everything, especially the breakfast in bed that I serve Kurt every Sunday morning.
...83...
Yes, the Big Apple is delicious, and I plan on savoring every bite.
Come on, come on, come on.
Could this be the...
Could it be the Freshman 15?
Frank Sinatra said it best.
New York is my kind of town.
Actually, I think he was talking about Chicago, but I'm in New York now, and as Dorothy Gale always said, there's no place like home.
Except she was talking about Kansas.
Still, New York is just so different from high school.
At McKinley, no one wanted anything to do with me because I was a nerd in a wheelchair who tucked my sweaters into my pleated khakis.
But here, I do exactly the same thing, and everyone thinks it's cool.
Hey, Artie.
Look.
In high school, I had to beg girls to go out with me.
Here, I'm lady bait.
I'm like the pied piper of coed trim.
A year ago, I was dating one girl and considered myself lucky.
Now, I'm dating three.
Hi, Artie.
Hey, Vanessa.
I'm Vanessa, and I'm so hot for Godard.
I made my parents throw a French New Wave party for my sixth birthday.
When I saw Artie's experimental short film, Rags the Homeless Clown, I was like, "Oh, yes, I will sleep with him." Hey, Jess.
Are we on for The Fly at Film Forum tonight?
You bet your sweet ass we are.
Yeah, I have a thing for wheelchairs.
Crash is the greatest film ever made, and I'm not talking about that Paul Haggis Oscar-bait train wreck.
That film could've used a train wreck.
I'm talking Cronenberg.
Hey, Julie.
Sorry I'm late.
And then there's Julie.
She's the one I've really got my heart set on.
I'm ready when you are.
This is narration for Bags in the Wind, a film by Artie Abrams, take one.
When a plastic bag gets caught in the wind, does it feel sadness or hope?
Does the plastic bag know it is eternal?
She's smart, funny, super talented, and everyone likes her.
A year ago, I would have been terrified to ask out a girl like her, but these days, I've learned you just got to go for it.
♪ Your lights are on ♪
♪ But you're not home ♪
♪ Your mind ♪
♪ Is not your own ♪
♪ Your heart sweats ♪
♪ Your body shakes ♪
♪ Another kiss ♪
♪ Is what it takes ♪
♪ You can't sleep ♪
♪ You can't eat ♪
♪ There's no doubt ♪
♪ You're in deep ♪
♪ Your throat is tight ♪
♪ You can't breathe ♪
♪ Another kiss ♪
♪ Is all you need ♪
♪ Whoa, you like to think
♪ That you're immune to this stuff ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ It's closer to the truth ♪
♪ To say you can't get enough ♪
♪ You know you're gonna have to face it ♪
♪ You're addicted to love ♪
♪ Might as well face it ♪
♪ You're addicted to love ♪
♪ Might as well face it ♪
♪ You're addicted to love ♪
♪ Might as well face it ♪
♪ You're addicted to love ♪
♪ Might as well face it ♪
♪ You're addicted to love ♪
♪ Might as well face it ♪
♪ You're addicted to love ♪
♪ Might as well ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Your lights are on ♪
♪ But you're not home ♪
♪ Your will ♪
♪ Is not your own ♪
♪ Your heart sweats ♪
♪ Your teeth grind ♪
♪ Another kiss ♪
♪ And you'll be mine, oh, oh ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Might as well face it ♪
♪ You're addicted to love ♪
♪ Might as well face it ♪
♪ Ooh, yeah ♪
♪ You're addicted to love ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Might as well face it ♪
♪ You're addicted to love ♪
♪ You might as well face it ♪
♪ You're addicted to love. ♪
Great, Julie.
I want to try it again, but this time with a little more...
twilight in your voice?
Twilight.
That's amazing direction, Artie.
Listen, Julie, maybe we could go out sometime?
Like on a date?
I'd love to, Artie.
It's just...
I sort of have a policy where I don't date anyone that I'm working with.
Oh, sure.
Great.
Take two.
Stage combat is not for the weak of heart.
Our bodies are our weapons.
And speaking of weapons, check out the g*n show.
I finally hit puberty.
I'm serious.
Make a muscle.
I've got to hand it to Kurt.
He's looking amazing these days, and he deserves all the attention he's getting.
Still, I just can't help but feel...
What is it?
Oh, just cut the crap, Blaine.
I'm actually feeling a little jealous.
Back at McKinley, I'd be the guy getting fawned over.
I lifted; I boxed; I was in the Dalton Fight Club for God's sake.
And Kurt was, well, Kurt.
Most of the time, he was more comfortable hanging out with the girls.
Like when the Glee Club sang "Summer Nights," he did the Rizzo part.
But the winds have changed.
There's a shift in the power dynamic.
Kurt's the hot sh*t now.
And after what happened to him a few weeks ago, a lot of people look at him as a hero.
He's leading man material.
I've always known he could be that, but most people didn't.
I guess I'm just not used to Kurt being seen as a sexual object.
And to be completely honest, I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.
Let's go, Cheese Puff.
Time-out, okay?
Time-out.
I need to come up for air.
This sofa's k*lling my back.
Well, actually, you know what, Blaine's not going to be home for a couple hours, so if you wanted to go lay down or...
Sam, I think we need to have a conversation.
Okay.
Things never got...
too serious for us back in high school for a number reasons, but the truth is, things haven't gotten too serious for me with anyone.
I'm a virgin.
Oh.
Okay.
I'm not.
Yeah, I got that.
You know, and that's fine.
We just, we have different pasts, and different levels of experience.
I just, I don't want to do anything until I know that I should.
Hmm.
Okay, well, uh, we can go as slow or as fast as you would like to.
As long as we're together, you get to call the sh*ts.
You guys, look, you need to help me find a clinic, preferably free.
Are you sick?
Um, I don't think so.
Then what do you need a clinic for?
To make sure that I'm not, you know, sick.
Okay, guys, look, I'm trying to be a gentleman here, like, you know, Mercedes-wise.
Look, and I want to get an STD test just to make sure I have a clean bill of health to, you know, ease her mind.
Wait, you guys haven't had sex yet?
What's so shocking?
Okay, we just started dating.
But you sleep in the same room.
Well, I mean, I really like her, and I don't want to mess things up, you know?
We're taking it slow.
Well, I, for one, think that's very, uh, admirable and, uh, postmodern romantic.
And if you need a free clinic, there's one on 14th Street in Chelsea.
Does it hurt?
I mean, do they, like, stick your thing with anything?
No, it's just, like, a blood and urine sample.
It's just quick and simple.
If you're nervous about it, I'll go with you.
Yeah.
Boys' day.
That sounds fun.
Yeah, I mean, you know, we haven't been tested since the whole Eli C debacle.
I mean, not that we have anything to worry about, but it would be the responsible thing to do, for all of us to get tested.
Even you, Artie.
What?
Oh, I-I didn't order this.
Oh, I-I whispered to her.
It's my little gift to you.
Trust me, you and your crazy self-denial dietary regimen will thank me once you have one sip of this Frozen Hot Chocolate.
All right, uh, one sip, then I'll thank you, then I'll jog home.
Cheers.
Cheers, cheers.
Cheers.
Cheers, cheers.
Oh, my God.
Just have the whole thing.
It's really good.
Hello?
Artie Abrams?
Okay, I'll cut right to the chase.
You have tested positive for chlamydia.
What?
You can't be serious.
I haven't had any of the symptoms.
If I had, I would've come in right away.
Well, the test came back positive, which means you're asymptomatic, which is even worse because it means that you could be spreading the disease without knowing it.
That's what I call a season finale.
Sam, I can't keep watching this show with you.
Oh, come on, Blaine.
Season seven of Arliss is when it gets really good.
Guys, I can't stand it anymore.
I have to tell you something.
I have chlamydia.
What?
What?
Oh, my God.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, Are you serious?
The doctor called me and said I tested positive.
How is that possible?
I don't know how.
Well, - do you wear condoms?
- No.
Well, that would be how.
Artie, are you kidding?!
The one time I bought some, I got nervous because they were locked in a cabinet and the pharmacist asked me which kind I liked and I panicked so then she gave me these ones that were all...
greasy and they smelled like banana.
It was like putting on a-a tiny, greasy, banana-flavored wet suit.
No, Artie, okay?
That's...
There's no excuse.
That is completely irresponsible!
You have to wear one every time!
Stop yelling.
I'm sure he feels bad enough.
No, Blaine, this isn't okay.
Artie needs to be slut-shamed.
- I'm slut-shaming you, Artie!
- You're lucky you just got chlamydia.
I mean, you could've caught something that can't be cured.
Yeah, you could've gotten somebody pregnant.
Did you think about that?
Slut!
Slut shame!
Well, I'm sure you're getting treated, right?
Yes.
I take antibiotics for two weeks and then I go for a checkup to make sure it's cured.
You have to tell the girl you slept with.
Which one?
What?
I'm-I'm sorry, "which one"?
Yeah, I've been sleeping with two different girls.
Who are you?
It's like I don't even know you!
Sam, calm down!
Artie, listen to us.
You have to tell these girls that you have chlamydia.
If you don't, you're gonna put their health at risk.
And they could be spreading it to others.
It's the right thing to do.
You owe it to them.
You have what?!
I can't believe this.
I think I'm going to pass out.
I'm so sorry.
Let me explain.
What is there to explain?!
You have chlamydia.
And now I have to get tested, which means I have to go down to the campus free clinic, and sit in that waiting room with warts on my face.
Oh, my God!
Am I going to get a freaking canker?
My parents are coming to visit.
I just hope we can still be friends.
Friends?!
No, Artie.
We are not friends.
You are Patient Zero, and I'm telling everyone to stay away from you because you, Artie, are disgusting!
Oh!
And, Artie?
Your films suck!
Jessica?
Can I talk to you in private?
Sure.
I'm-I'm just gonna come out and say it.
I tested positive for chlamydia.
Oh, okay, is that it?
I don't know if you heard what I said.
I...
You have chlamydia.
I heard you.
Don't worry about it.
I'll just go to the free clinic today after class.
You're not mad?
I'm not if you're not.
I mean, for all we know, I could've given it to you.
Later.
Artie.
Can I talk to you for a second?
Remember when you asked me out, and I said no?
Well, I thought about it and I'm an idiot.
I'd love to go out with you.
Great.
Great.
I'm free tomorrow night if you maybe want to grab some food or something?
Mm-hmm, sure.
Awesome!
Well, I will see you then.
But you like it, don't you?
It's subdued, right?
It's, like, I wanted to go all Russell Westbrook, but then I was like no, more like 'Melo Anthony, 'cause that's, like, my thing.
Stop stressing.
Look, I get it...
you don't think I'm gonna fit in here.
Uh, blond hair, light skin.
I'm-I'm DQ'd from the start.
Let's just offer our thanks for our blessings.
Speaking of, I have an offering.
A clean, spotless bill of health.
What?
In order to give you everything, I have to make sure I don't...
give you anything.
Okay.
Come here.
Baby, thank you so much.
Total, total sweetness.
But you are focusing way too much on what's on the outside.
I mean, the hair, the suit.
And the other thing.
Hmm.
I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm still unsure about going all the way.
And I know that I love you, but I don't know, I just, I want to turn to God for the answers.
I get it.
In order to bring someone into your life you have to bring the Holy Spirit in first.
And praise to our brothers and sisters from the Land of the Rising Sun, who came all the way across from God's green Earth to hear us lift our voices.
Not that I'm having a bad time, uh, or anything, but when does this end?
Maybe your butt's too bony.
Maybe you just need to grow a church cushion.
That's, that's not even...
We haven't even got to the good part.
And I ask you, brothers and sisters in Christ, to let one of our own speak from her heart.
And lift your voices to the steeple of this temple!
To the melted snowcaps of Mount Sinai!
Whoa.
To the battered, zero-gravity cubby holes of the International Space Station!
I give to you a gift from God the voice of Miss Mercedes Jones!
♪ I've got to take a little time ♪
♪ A little time ♪
♪ To think things over ♪
♪ I better read between the lines ♪
♪ In case I need it ♪
♪ When I'm older... ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ In my life ♪
♪ There's been heartache and pain ♪
♪ I don't know ♪
♪ If I can face it again ♪
♪ Can't stop now ♪
♪ I've traveled so far ♪
♪ To change this lonely life ♪
♪ Ah... ♪
♪ Oh! ♪
♪ I want to know what love is ♪
♪ I want to know ♪
♪ I want you ♪
♪ To show me ♪
♪ To show me ♪
♪ I want to feel what love is ♪
♪ And I know, I know, oh, hey ♪
♪ I know you can show me ♪
♪ Let's talk about love ♪
♪ Love ♪ ♪ I want to know ♪
♪ What love is ♪
♪ Love that you feel inside ♪
♪ I want you to show me ♪
♪ I want you to show me ♪
♪ I want to feel what love is ♪
♪ No, you just can't hide ♪
♪ I want you to show me ♪
♪ Show me ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
♪ Love. ♪
All right!
I need everyone to pair up.
Half of you are Athenians, the other half Spartans.
Athens shirts, Spartan skins.
Guess I'll be the Spartan.
Yeah, you will.
In high school I did everything I could not to take my shirt off in front of other people.
Like, I don't think I showered once after gym class.
Now, though, thanks to a little more working out, a little more protein, my outside self is catching up to my inside self.
Okay, begin!
And I feel pretty comfortable in my skin.
And that feels good.
I have to be mindful of Blaine though.
New school, new city.
It's stressful.
He's being tested.
We, as a couple, are being tested.
I can't let my new confidence erode his.
So, I was thinking, you know, as great as it is to have the whole g*ng back together again, why don't you and I have a date night?
You know, just the two of us.
Maybe dinner and a movie?
I would love that.
I'm working on dinner, so you pick the movie.
All I ask is that it's in color, in English, and made after 1989.
What are you whipping up in there?
Fettuccine in a cream sauce, potato gratin and a molten chocolate cake for dessert.
We can't eat all that.
I mean, it's just a little heavy.
I hope you're not trying to plump me up.
Since when are you manorexic?
I'm not, I'm just taking better care of myself.
You know, as actors our bodies are our instruments.
And my instrument is, um, getting a little out of tune?
Is that where you're going with this?
No, your instrument is as handsome as ever.
I was just thinking maybe we skip the fettuccine and walk to the movies and pick up a salad at Pax on the way.
Sure.
I guess this'll keep.
Great.
I'll look up show times.
I hear there's a great new indie playing at the Quad.
Um, Blaine?
Don't worry, I won't order popcorn at the movie theater.
And by the way, I-I know that I've been putting on a few pounds.
No, no.
It's just this, um, very...
adult Web site I-I just found on your computer.
I-I wasn't snooping.
Uh, it was just, it was open, um, uh, uh, right there on the window on the desktop.
Uh...
well, I-I, it was just, um, oh, uh...
"FratBoyPhysicals.com." How often are you on this?
You know?
I-I don't want to know.
Whatever you do on your computer is-is-is your business.
But I-I-I just I find it a little interesting that we haven't been intimate in-in, like a week, and maybe this is why.
Wait, wait, Kurt, l-l-let's talk about this.
No, I don't want to talk about this!
She's so pretty.
I have to find out who does her hair.
"Celebrity Beauty Tips and Tricks." Rachel?
Can I ask you something, um...?
It's a little personal.
Yeah, of course.
What's up?
What was your first time like?
Oh, are you... and Sam are thinking of...?
I mean, was... was it like a... a big deal?
Was there, like, a hotel and flowers?
'Cause I just...
I feel like I'm a little too old for that.
You know, it's not gonna be romantic as if I were back in high school, and I don't need, like, a big moment or anything, but...
as silly as it sounds, I do want it to be...
special.
No, I know I want at least that.
Well, my first time, uh, it was just at his house.
Mm.
And, um, it was special because, you know, it was with him, and I loved him, and he loved me.
I just...
I don't know if I'm ready for this.
Look, I don't think anyone can ever know, like, how or if they're ever gonna be ready.
I just think that in the moment, when you're with that person, you just feel like you want to remember being with them for forever, and then, everything will just fall into place.
Kind of wish it was both of our first times, 'cause I just don't know if I'm gonna be any good at it.
No, don't think like that.
Sam is a really good guy.
Okay, and if you feel like it's right, then, he will make you feel like you're the only one.
Okay.
Hey.
We were supposed to meet at the diner so we could walk to class together.
What happened?
Oh.
Sorry.
I got off early, and I forgot to text you.
Gather up!
Okay, today is stage weaponry, and, yes, this is a real bo staff.
And, no, you will not be using real blades yet.
Not until you can be trusted.
Remember...
safety first, safety last.
Safety always.
That's right.
You're still mad about the Web site thing, aren't you?
No.
God.
All right, everyone partner up and start moving your way through the w*apon stations.
I really think we should talk about this.
You know what, Blaine?
Sometimes I think we talk too much.
♪ Whoa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa-oa- oa-oa-oa ♪
♪ We are strong ♪
♪ No one can tell us we're wrong ♪
♪ Searching our hearts for so long ♪
♪ Both of us knowing... ♪
♪ Love is a b*ttlefield ♪
♪ You're begging me to go, then making me stay ♪
♪ Why do you hurt me so bad? ♪
♪ It would help me to know ♪
♪ Do I stand in your way? ♪
♪ Or am I the best thing you've had? ♪
♪ But if we get much closer, I could lose control ♪
♪ And if your heart surrenders ♪
♪ You'll need me to hold ♪
♪ We are young ♪
♪ We are young ♪
♪ Heartache to heartache, we stand ♪
♪ No promises, no demands ♪
♪ Love is a b*ttlefield ♪
♪ Oh-oh, whoa ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ We are strong ♪
♪ No one can tell us we're wrong ♪
♪ Searching our hearts for so long ♪
♪ Both of us knowing ♪
♪ Love is a b*ttlefield. ♪
Oh, God!
What the hell, Kurt?!
- Blaine, are you okay?
- I'm fine.
You sure?
Safety first.
I said I'm fine.
Oh, my God, I love this place.
Well, can I get you two lovebirds anything else?
Uh, yeah.
What's the most expensive dessert on the menu?
Sam!
Uh, it's a diner, Sam.
I don't think there's really anything too expensive.
What about, uh, do you guys have those milkshakes with, like, little specks of gold in 'em?
We do not.
Sam, you do not have any money.
I'm not gonna let you pay for this meal.
Oh!
Oh, look!
There's Artie!
I'm gonna go say hi.
Don't touch him.
What?
Why would I touch him?
Just don't touch him.
Hello...!
Welcome to the Spotlight Diner!
Julie, this is my friend, Kurt.
We went to high school together.
Nice to meet you.
This place is so cool!
Totally worth the 45 minute subway ride.
So, do you guys want a HPV or herpes simplex two?
What?
He asked if we want a table or a booth.
Oh.
HPV.
I mean, a table.
Follow me.
Look, Sam, I know what you're doing.
We're on a date, we had a really great night, you tried to pay for this delicious meal.
And what's wrong with that?
Nothing, as long as you're not assuming that this night is going to end up a certain way.
Okay, I'm not assuming anything.
I'm just, I'm just trying to treat my lady right.
You know, I don't do things in exchange for anything.
I just, that's just my way of saying I love you.
Oh.
All right, what can I get you two?
How about you, rolling STD?
Um, how's your Reuben?
It's okay, but there is a lot of pus on it.
I'll have that.
Would you recommend the wartburger with grilled scabies or the fettuccine in chlamydia sauce?
People love our wartburger, but, um, I would go with the chlamydia fettuccine.
It's my personal favorite thing from the menu.
Oh, look!
It's someone's birthday!
Clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap, clap...
I'm sorry, Kurt, can you give us a second?
Yeah.
Julie, I need to tell you something.
I really, really like you.
And I don't want to ruin what we have by moving too fast.
I think it would be better for our relationship if we agree not have sex for the next seven to ten days.
Okay...
um, that's sort of an insanely weird thing to bring up.
I just really like you, and I don't want to...
Yeah, I-I get it, but this is a first date, right?
So this thing that "we have" started a little less than an hour ago.
Which means I myself wasn't even really thinking about sex, to be honest.
So, yeah, I think I'll be able to wait an entire week.
Week to ten days.
Right.
Not a problem.
Look, do you know how much it means to me that you're even considering this?
Look, I mean, I don't know if our relationship is forever, but I know that nothing's ever felt as real to me as my love for you.
And if there's a way for me to express how I feel about you, whether it's buying you dinner or spending time with you or having sex, I-I want to do it.
♪ There's something I want to tell you ♪
♪ There's something I think that you should know ♪
♪ It's not that I shouldn't really love you ♪
♪ Let's take it slow ♪
♪ Remember that special night ♪
♪ When all of the stars were shining bright? ♪
♪ But on that very first night ♪
♪ It wasn't quite right ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Let's wait awhile ♪
♪ Before it's too late ♪
♪ Let's wait awhile ♪
♪ Our love will be great ♪
♪ Let's wait awhile ♪
♪ Before we go too far ♪
♪ I can never give up on you ♪
♪ Let's wait awhile ♪
♪ Awhile, before it's too late ♪
♪ You know you can't rush love ♪
♪ Oh-oh ♪
♪ Let's wait awhile ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Before it's too late ♪
♪ Let's wait awhile ♪
♪ Wait awhile ♪
♪ Our love will be great ♪
♪ Let's wait awhile ♪
♪ Before we go too far ♪
♪ Oh, whoo... ♪
♪ La-da-da-de, de-da-da-de ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da, da-da-da ♪
♪ La-da-da-de, de-da-da-de ♪
♪ Da-da-da, da, da-da-da ♪
♪ La-da-da-de, de-da-da-de ♪
♪ Before we go too far ♪
♪ Ah-ah, ah... ♪
♪ Let's wait awhile. ♪
Hey, remember the rules.
All my hands are above the waist!
And and top of the clothes.
Have you ever heard of the term "high, dry, and suffering"?
Have you ever heard of the term, "Hell to the no"?
Sit up.
Come on.
Let's talk.
What's up?
Well, you know, everything that you said to me, um, in the diner, it really meant a lot.
And I do believe that if we were to take that step, that it will be incredible and special.
Well, you know, I've never been like this with anybody before.
So, in a lot of ways, it would be a first time for me, too.
I went back to church and I prayed about all of this all over again.
And I need to wait, Sam.
Okay, um, I can, I can dig that.
How long?
Like, um, a couple weeks?
Until I'm married.
All right, hold on.
Okay, I-I love you, but I don't think I can get married in a couple of weeks.
We haven't even sent out invitations, and that takes a long time.
I know that this sounds old-fashioned, but there's this special part in my soul, and it's the most secret and vulnerable part, and when I give that to a man, I'll be completely exposed.
I can't just do that with just anyone.
I'm not just anyone.
I need to know that the man that I'm with is gonna be there for me forever.
I want him to be my husband and I want him to open up to me in the same way, too.
You know, maybe when I do it I'll feel silly for making it such a big deal, but maybe I won't.
So you're saying it's just, it's never gonna happen unless we get married.
Well, yeah.
I mean, for now we'll just...
have to figure out ways to feel close that aren't physical.
Okay, so...
what's the difference in that and just being really good friends?
Okay?
I...
I love you, Mercedes, but, like, I'm also a 19-year-old guy, and...
I want to be able to do this for you.
But I-I can't.
Can I have some time to think about it?
Yeah, sure.
Take your time.
Yeah.
Yeah, he's here.
Okay.
Okay, bye.
Bye.
That was Rachel.
She was just confirming us for her opening night.
What'd you tell her?
I said, "Yeah, if we don't "k*ll each other in Combat Class, count us in." What happened in there?
You were really coming at me, like-like...
as if you had something to prove.
What, I'm not sure.
That I'm as strong as you are.
Okay, but it's not a contest.
Isn't it, though?
On some level?
'Cause for the first time in my life, I really feel like I'm losing.
I've felt that way ever since I got to New York.
I feel like...
we're in this race together and you are just so much farther than I am.
Like, it just feels like the whole balance has shifted.
What balance?
I guess it started when we first met, and you came to Dalton because you were trying to get away from Karofsky and I wanted to help you through that.
And you did.
And I loved the way that felt.
I loved, I loved being able to protect you, but now I look at your life and...
it's completely different.
Y-You're a star at school, y-you have all these cool new friends, you started this band and I just...
I feel like you don't need me anymore.
To protect or anything.
I mean, you asked me to move out, for God's sake.
We made that decision together.
So-so is that what all this stuff is about, that's going on?
I mean, you trying to get me to eat more?
I don't like the way that I feel about myself anymore, Kurt.
Okay?
And you have this, like...
amazing new body.
Do you want to know why we haven't been intimate?
It's because I feel insecure around you.
I feel insecure around my own fiancé, and fratboyphysicals.com isn't gonna judge me.
And neither will I.
Ever.
But I am not going to apologize for not being some delicate flower that needs his boyfriend to protect him.
And you know what?
Maybe you're right.
Maybe it is a contest.
Maybe that's the way it has to be with two guys.
But I would much rather be running this race with you rather than against you.
Me, too.
I just...
As equals.
I know, I know.
I-I know.
I know that, I'm sorry.
I'm just...
I'm just so scared that you're gonna...
keep changing, and you're gonna keep getting stronger, and then one day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna realize that "I don't love him anymore." Never.
I'm always gonna love you.
And I don't want you to be insecure or ashamed around me.
Next time you're going through something like this, you-you have to be honest with me.
Okay.
Julie.
I need to talk to you.
Our date was weird, and I wanted to apologize.
Yeah, it was weird.
You were all jumpy and nervous and the sex conversation was really bizarre.
Well, there was a reason why I was acting so weird, and it's difficult to talk about, but I need to be completely honest.
I have chlamydia.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
And I'm not even sure who I got it from.
What?
You don't know?
Well, it was either Vanessa from our Postwar European Cinema class, or Jessica from my Contemporary Voices in Venereal Horror Seminar.
Wait, you slept with them?
Artie, that's grosser than the chlamydia.
Those girls are idiots.
Last term, Vanessa made a short film that consisted of a single sh*t of her eating a pile of dirt for 45 minutes.
And Jessica had an endoscopy for a stomach ulcer and then entitled the footage "Another Holocaust" and submitted it to Sundance.
Look, I just wanted to be completely honest with you...
Well, great.
Great, that you want to honest, 'cause honesty makes you see who everyone really is, and who you are is not who I thought you were.
You're a creeper, Artie.
Congratulations on totally skeeving me out.
Hey, Mercedes, it's Sam.
Yeah, I-I know.
Um, if you're calling to break up with me, just go ahead and say it a-and just get it over with, so we can figure out how we're gonna be friends.
Hold up.
Blaine lit a bunch of candles.
Blaine!
Blaine!
Mercedes, I gotta cut this short.
My girlfriend, uh, just arrived.
Oh, uh, don't worry.
I have a fire extinguisher handy in case anything tips over.
Look, uh, I hope you don't think I'm copying you, but I also prayed about us.
I didn't go back to that church, 'cause I didn't remember where it was, but...
I prayed in the bathroom and that's where it hit me.
sex is awesome.
It's like one of the greatest things that God ever invented.
But what's better than sex?
Um...
Horseback riding.
Um...
skydiving, probably.
And hearing you sing.
Look, I-I don't need to think about this any more.
I...
you know, I've said this before, but this time, I really mean it.
I can...
live without sex.
But I can't live without you.
Sam Evans...
You have no idea how nice it is to have a real girlfriend here to talk to.
I mean, Kurt pretends to be one, but it's not the same, and Santana was just a tad unpredictable.
Yeah, well, thanks for the good advice about the whole S-E-X thing.
Okay, my philosophy is that if you can't even say the word without spelling it, then you're definitely not ready.
Hey, I am not a prude.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm kind of a prude.
But you know, my heart is my biggest erogenous zone.
I just...
if I decide to do it, I want it to be the making love version, not the bumping uglies version.
Well, Sam definitely loves you, because I don't know any other 19-year-old boy who would say it's okay to wait if he wasn't, like, totally in love with you and obsessed with you.
No, I know that he loves me now.
But it's easy to love when it's new, you know, and...
if he can put up with my crazy and my sass for just a couple more weeks...
or even a couple of months...
who knows?
Well, I salute you.
And I have a very good feeling about this and I think Sam's a great guy.
Yeah.
I don't know, there was like a minute there where I thought something might happen between he and I, but it passed, thankfully.
Really?
How come?
Well, besides the fact that you two are obviously soul mates.
Oh, my God, obviously.
No, I don't think I actually liked him, I think I just, like...
I don't know, he reminded me of home and he and Finn were very close and I think I liked the fact that he understood how I felt.
So...
there's, like, not any guys that you're interested in?
Like, um...
none of your cast members, or that director?
Please.
This is closed for business.
Rachel, you know you guys weren't dating when it all went down, though.
No, come on, we were always dating.
You know, even when we weren't.
We knew how it was gonna end.
Or, you know, how it was supposed to.
I get that.
I think we all did.
But you're this amazing, beautiful woman about to go through the greatest triumph in her life.
Hey, I'm not saying that you need to go out there and fall in love, but...
let a dude, I don't know, buy you dinner.
Tell you how hot you are.
I know.
I should.
And I will.
It's just like...
you know, it's like a line between your past and your future and...
I mean, I'll draw it when I'm ready.
It's like you and Sam.
You know, you weren't ready; you just had to listen to your heart and you'll know when it's right.
I know, babe.
You're okay, though, right?
Like, I didn't push too hard, did I?
No.
Like I said, it's really great having a girlfriend here to talk to.
You know what?
It really is.
So how does that work, exactly?
Well, I have to drink five pints of hot coconut water every day, with a little garlic salt, some Splenda and a splash of hot sauce.
Then you basically jog until you hallucinate.
I got it off of Matthew McConaughey's blog.
- That doesn't sound healthy.
- It's not.
What we're really doing is just saying that, you know, we're gonna start eating healthier and cooking healthier and, uh, we started this new ab class at the NYADA gym and, uh, this is kind of our way of saying good-bye to eating out for a while.
So thank you so much for being here on the start of Blaine's cleanse.
Whoa, Artie...
You want to talk about it?
Talk about what?
Oh, my God, that looks really delicious.
What you're burying in your worry hole with all that hot fudge and nuts?
That girl Julie still not talking to you?
She's not not talking to me, it's just...
I can see how she sees me now, and it sucks.
I didn't think there'd actually be a downside to being a film school player, but I was wrong.
And I'd paid the price.
Herpes.
No.
Losing Julie.
And it was chlamydia.
Anyway...
I'm gonna give up the game.
For a little while, at least.
I mean, sex isn't the be-all-end-all.
Well, it's like me and Mercedes, you know?
Something's important, you can't let sex get in the way of it.
Hey, you know what, guys?
We should do an all-guys New York City Abstinence Club.
No.
No way.
Definitely not.
That's not a good idea.
Ugh...
Mm...
No Oscar is worth that.