03x01 - Family

[bunniefuu]

ASH: Do you believe in the existence of evil?

[panting]

Help me!

- Oh.

- No!

- [screeching]

- [screaming]

30 years ago, I found the Book of the Dead.

Now, because I read from the book...

Missar-drah...

...evil has found me.

- [snarling]

- [screaming]

You have no idea what you're doing!

Of course I know what I'm doing.

[speaking softly]

I wrote this book.

- [grunting]

- [woman screaming]

Ruby is in Elk Grove, Michigan.

That's my hometown.

[smashing]

Ash?

Hiya Pop.

[panting]

I got a problem.

The book...

it did something to me.

It changed me.

[grunts]

Night night.

- [growling]

- [yelling]

That's our cue!

- [wailing]

- [both yelling]

Evil, if you show your ugly mug in this town ever again, I will take you down and I will wipe you out!

[eerie music playing]

You know me as Ash Williams, the hero who saved Elk Grove from evil.

For 30 long years, I've used this saw on monsters and demons.

But those battles are won, so now I use it to...

[buzzing]

Slash prices!

- [upbeat music playing]

- [glass shattering]

At Ashy Slashy's Hardware Store Emporium, we got you covered!

- You want paint?

- [giggling]

We shake it till we break it!

[wobbling sound]

Ladies, you'll love his nuts!

- [audience gasping]

- [clinking]

What's better than a handful of my nuts?

- VOICES OFF-SCREEN: Ahh!

- [laughing]

A long screw.

- [woman moaning]

- Whoa!

We got wood.

- [cash register bell dings]

- We got rope.

We got rubber!

We got it all!

- Die high prices!

- [buzzing]

Goodbye high prices!

For that special someone, we've got everything from

- "D" to "ildo."

- WOMAN'S VOICE: Mmm.

Because at Ashy Slashy's, service is literally...

- MAN'S VOICE: Not.

- ...our middle name!

Whoo!

[laughing]

Perfection!

And only 22 takes!

- MAN ON TV: Welcome back...

- PABLO: Yeah.

It's looking good, Jefe.

Marketing 101, Pablo.

- Know your audience.

- [indistinct chatter outside]

Look at them lining up out there.

- You're a badass!

- [Ash chuckling]

PABLO: You know I've never seen a town lose its sh*t over a hardware store before.

Well, it's time to wake up and smell the lightly scented wax flowers, Pablo.

This isn't just a well-stocked hardware store/sex-toy emporium.

No, this is a shrine to a local hero.

Those adoring fans are my peeps!

- [dramatic music playing]

- [indistinct chatter]

- [chainsaw buzzing]

- All right!

- Hey, hey!

- [cheering]

- Hello, Elk Grove!

- Hey, hey!

Are you ready for some hardware?!

- [loud cheering]

- Come on in!

Fishing supplies, aisle two.

We got g*ns, we got flags, we got p*rn.

That's a little further in the back.

Men, can't please your wives?

Better check out aisle seven.

WOMAN: Yeah!

- ASH: Same problem?

- No need to push, jeez.

WOMAN 2: Aisle 3 I think.

Hey, no need to push.

Leave me alone.

And last up we have Amy, who I'm told has made a startling discovery.

I see here, Amy, that you discovered this item...

In the mud.

- In the mud.

- [eerie growling]

[chuckling]

- [dance music playing]

- [indistinct chatter, laughter]

- Well, I know.

I'm sorry...

- [indistinct chatter]

- [clattering]

- [yells]

What I f*cking tell you, huh?

How many times I got to tell you?

Pretzels are for paying customers only!

- Okay?

- [grunting]

Next time I'll use your head as a f*cking cue ball.

Who touched the T... who touched the TV?

How many f*ckin'...

- [suspenseful music playing]

- [eerie growling]

- [glass shattering]

- [people cheering, laughter]

Hey, hey, it's me.

You were right, evil's coming back.

And here you've found a book written in ancient Sumerian.

[howling in distance]

- Curious.

- Does "curious" mean valuable?

This appears to be some sort of...

descriptive passage.

Conda anu astratta alaktu...

- [Stanley continues]

- You know with most of these clowns, I got to play hardball, but for you?

Hose clamps are half-off.

These are the best in the world.

You put them on, they grip tight.

They don't slip, slide, stretch, or tear like other things.

- ...estaro ces reche.

- [Ash chuckling]

Sarr des kanda...

- [eerie music playing]

- [growling]

Kanda...

[growling grows louder]

kanda?

[snarling]

- [banging]

- [all gasping]

What?

Apparently you've found an ancient text, known as the Necronomicon-Ex Mortis.

[creaking, splintering]

The Book of the Dead.

Is that... good?

The book, is said to hold spells - and incantations that, - [clinking]

if read out loud...

...could connect the demons of the netherworld, with our own...

- [shattering]

- [all gasping]

[wind howling]

- [smashing]

- [all screaming]

[screeching]

Most important thing about a hose, is its width, and its length.

Mostly the length.

[static, test signal sounding]

MAN ON TV: Our scheduled broadcast will resume in a moment.

Hey!

I paid for two more spots!

Okay, we got two fish tacos.

- Bam!

- [man chuckling]

We got your hard drive.

- That's me.

Thank you.

- Enjoy.

- MAN: Oh yeah.

- Oh!

[grunting]

- MAN 2: I don't know...

- [people murmuring]

Excuse me.

Oh!

sh*t...

- [eerie growling]

- [groaning, panting]

- [whimpering]

- [growling continues]

- [eerie music playing]

- [all gasping, groaning]

[person coughing]

[guts squishing]

Who are you?

Well in Rome, they called me mulier daemonium de igne.

Demon woman of fire.

And in Greece, they called me ágria ti mitéra apó tin kólasi.

Fierce mother from hell.

But in these benighted times, they just call me Ruby.

- [panting]

- I'll take that.

No!

No!

Wait!

It's too important...

- [yells]

- [suspenseful music playing]

This is bullshit.

Whatever happened to free speech?

Ah, this was my best giant penis yet.

[snickers]

Yeah.

- Thanks for talking me into this.

- [Rachel chuckles]

You missed a spot.

- d*ck.

- Less.

[girls giggling, chattering]

Can we just finish and get out?

I'm in enough trouble already.

Wait till they see what I drew on Perkins' car.

- Is "man-gina" a word?

- [laughing]

Oh, Rachel, please.

I just want to get through the next four months.

Since when did you become Miss Bourgeoisie?

Oh, it's simple.

I graduate, I can leave here.

I leave here, I'm not here, and that's a good thing.

All right, you still haven't fallen for Elk Grove's "small town charms?" Excuse me?

The whole town's excited because their ex-psycho k*ller is opening a hardware store.

- k*ll me now.

- [growling]

- Could be worse.

- [growling continues]

How?

- [girls laughing]

- We could be like them.

[wind shrieking]

Oh, yeah.

That'll never happen.

Good, because if you did, I would have to slit my wrists.

- [electricity buzzing]

- [coughs, laughs]

[exhales]

Oh, look.

Cougie's back.

[eerie music playing]

Yeah, well, f*ck off, Cougie!

Okay, we get it.

Costume, mascot, very funny.

You can leave now!

Hey, assh*le!

- Go away...

- [electricity buzzing]

sh*t.

sh*t.

Okay, guy, now I'm mad.

[growling, snarling]

Jesus, what is that?

[growling]

Probably just some varsity assholes playing some bullshit prank!

- [growling]

- [both gasping]

[growling]

Brandy, don't!

What is your problem, fuckboy?

[snarling]

- [blood dripping]

- [gasping]

[snarling continues]

[eerie voices chanting]

[lockers banging]

[gasping]

[both panting]

- [growling]

- [screaming]

[both gasping]

[suspenseful music playing]

[both screaming]

Help!

Help!

Help please!

- [snarling]

- [screaming]

- [laughing maniacally]

- [laughter, chattering]

And that's the whole story.

- Hey, feller.

How are you?

- Hey.

Ladies.

Come on.

- [eerie music playing]

- ASH: A litlle somethin', somethin'.

There we go.

- [lively accordion music]

- Nickel for a tickle, huh?

- [girl laughs]

- What do you say?

[indistinct chatter, laughter]

I don't believe this, it's really him.

[phone ringing]

- Oh, hey.

Hey, honey.

- BRANDY: Mom!

Mom!

There's this guy at the school, you've got to come - help us, please!

- What?

- Hey, Pablo.

- Yeah.

Ah, I got to talk to you about something else.

If this is about a raise...

Actually, you don't pay me at all right now, but...

Son of a bitch!

Hey, whoa!

Lady!

There's a line!

Wha...?

You don't even remember me?

Well, the old steel trap never forgets a rack, but faces are a little fuzzy.

Give me a hint.

- [grunts]

- [women screaming]

I said a hint.

- I'm your f*cking wife!

- [inaudible]

My what?

We need to talk.

[Ash grunts]

Lady, I don't know what kind of coo-coo juice you've been drinkin', but if you're fishing for alimony...

One of your g*dd*mn monsters just att*cked our daughter at Kenward County High.

Daughter?!

Ha!

You definitely got the wrong guy!

Demons made you chop off your hand.

- "I'll swallow your soul."

- [scoffs]

Good sex is 30 seconds followed by a cheeseburger?

- Okay, maybe we have met.

- [sighs]

But in case you didn't get the memo, me and my compadres, we buried evil big time.

Elk Grove is officially a demon-free zone.

- Jefe.

- Yeah.

I think she's telling the truth.

- [eerie music playing]

- [growling]

Dude, I told you to get that sh*t lasered off.

Nah, I didn't do this!

It just happened outside.

I'm scared!

This thing is after my little girl and...

All right all ready!

I'll check it out!

- [suspenseful music playing]

- [tires screeching]

[lightning crashing]

[chuckles]

Just like old times, eh, Pablo?

Except for the wife part, and no Kelly.

Actually, it's not like old times at all.

- Just drive!

- Hey, easy for you sister.

You come waltzing into my life, yapping about demons and daughters, and I don't know boo about you.

- Candace Barr.

- Yeah, and?

Branson?

Branson.

- [woman and man yelling]

- Oh...

♪ I want candy ♪

- [Ash grunting]

- [laughter]

♪ I want candy ♪ Oh.

- Give me some!

- ♪ Yeah...!

♪ Ah!

My God!

Oh God!

She's so good!

Oh.

- [yelling indistinctly]

- [both whooping]

[both moaning loudly]

Wait a minute, Candace Barr.

[sighs]

[laughing]

Oh no, Candy Barr?

[laughter]

Well, this daughter of ours, I'll bet she thinks I'm pretty special, huh?

Dream on.

I told her her old man was some cr*ck dealer - who got shanked in prison.

- What?!

Well, it was easier than admitting I'd hooked up with some psycho saw-boy!

Oh, okay, but I call B.S.

on the daughter.

I was using my lucky rubber all through the odds, and that sucker went 50 and 0.

Oh, oh, oh.

♪ I want candy, hey!

♪ Just drive!

[eerie music playing]

[ethereal growling]

- [gasping]

- [indistinct whispering]

[wind whistling]

[gasping, shuddering]

[squishing]

- [chanting in ancient language]

- [growling grows louder]

Candalier boncelo....

[chanting continues]

- [eerie vocalizing]

- [chanting continues]

[grunting]

Kanda.

Abomino.

[gulping, gagging]

[gasping]

[wailing]

- [vocalizing grows louder]

- [rumbling]

[doors open]

- God, that smell.

- [phone dialing]

This monkey farm hasn't changed in 30 years.

WOMAN'S VOICE: The caller you are trying to reach is unavailable.

She's not answering.

You actually went to school?

Yeah, these halls have some sweet memories.

Met my first Linda here.

Hey, give me a second.

What are you doing?

[sighing]

I'm sorry, I don't even know you, but did I make a mistake coming to Ash for help?

Ever since I hooked up with El Jefe, I've seen a lot of weird sh*t go down.

But he's always had my back.

Well, almost always.

There was this one time I got cut in half.

[whispers]

What?

Yeah, but Ash went back in time to save me.

It was so cool, but also really weird, because when we got back, nothing seemed to have changed.

[laughing]

Maui Wowie.

It's my emergency stash.

I'll just put this bad boy away for the appropriate time.

Brandy?

- [eerie groaning]

- [gasping]

[lightning crashing]

[thunder rumbling]

[indistinct whispering]

[suspenseful music playing]

[floorboards creaking]

- [both panting]

- [footsteps thudding]

- [Rachel whimpers]

- Shh, shh!

[footsteps thudding]

[creaking]

Whoever's out there, f*ck off!

Brandy?

- Wow.

- She's not yours, dumb-ass!

[gasping]

Mom!

Honey!

Thank God!

- Back off, Mama Bear!

- Hey!

What are you doing?

The ink on my buddy went nuclear, that means evil is just around the corner.

So your little peach could be a bowel-sucking hell beast.

Mom, what's the chainsaw geek doing here?

Oh, honey, uh, I don't know how to tell you this, but Ash, he's-he's ah-he's your...

What she's trying to say is...

I'm your pop.

Father dearest.

The old sperm sh**t.

- What?

- But you can call me Dad, unless you're a Deadite, then you can go f*ck yourself.

- So come on now, demon-spawn!

- [both gasping]

Show Daddy what you got!

- [electricity buzzing]

- [gasping]

Okay, nobody move.

[heavy breathing]

Alleged Daughter, who else is in the room?

Um, you...

the guy with the hair...

- ...my mom, and...

- [piano playing]

[light switches clicking]

Rachel?

[piano playing continues]

[in distorted voice]

♪ Ashy Slashy ♪

♪ Was a real stinker ♪

♪ Took an axe to his sister's thinker ♪

Hey, Brandy's friend.

You want to keep it down?

- [panting]

- [blood splattering]

Oh!

Oh my God!

Rachel?

What have you done?

- [growling loudly]

- [piano playing continues]

- [gasping]

- [drums playing]

- [roaring]

- [screaming]

[drums continue b*ating]

What are you doing?!

- [playing out of tune]

- [snarling]

- [yells]

- [g*nsh*t]

- [clattering]

- [both gasping]

[shotgun reloading]

[ethereal growling]

Rachel!

[horn sounding loudly]

- [smashing]

- [all yelling]

[instruments playing chaotically]

[trumpeting]

- [chords sounding]

- Ah!

[panting]

[panting]

- [clanging]

- [grunting]

- [laughing, grunting]

- [clattering]

Ah!

- [chords sounding]

- [grunts]

- [both panting]

- [grunting]

- [chords sounding out of tune]

- [grunts]

- [grunting]

- [clattering]

[trumpeting]

- Blow.

- [clattering]

[both panting]

- [crashing]

- [grunts]

No!

I love you, Brandy.

- Oh!

- Ugh!

- [blood splattering]

- [grunting]

[both gasping]

- [clattering]

- [gasping]

[Brandy sobs]

Candy.

- [clattering]

- [Pablo groaning]

[gasping]

Mom!

- [Brandy sobbing]

- [harp playing]

Why you...

- [Ash grunts]

- [Brandy screaming]

No!

[both grunting]

Ashy Slashy, soon there'll be nothing left of you...

...we'll destroy your seed and your whore daughter too.

Sorry jailbait, my dance card is a little full.

I'll have to squeeze you in.

[in normal voice]

Brandy!

- [grunts]

- [slicing]

- [sobbing]

- [ethereal growling]

- [heavy breathing]

- [squishing]

- [gasping]

- Oh!

Suck on that, Harpo.

[blood dripping]

- [gasping]

- [sighs]

What...

what?

[speaking softly]

I know.

It sucks.

I remember my first taste of evil.

- [glass shattering, growling]

- [gasps]

[grunts]

- [suspenseful music playing]

- [growling]

Oh, Cougie!

They got you too!

- [buzzing]

- [gasping]

- [Cougie growling]

- [Ash grunting]

- [chainsaw sputtering]

- [screeching]

- Ash!

- [Ash yelling]

- [groaning, wailing]

- [bones cracking]

- [grunting]

- [growling]

[screaming, groaning]

- [growling]

- Ah!

Whoa!

- [Ash yelling]

- [groaning]

- [roaring]

- [grunting]

- [canister hissing]

- [grunting]

GIRL'S VOICE: Howdy f*ckin' ho, boys.

Miss me?

- [chuckling]

- [g*nf*re]

- [splattering]

- [screaming]

[grunts]

[heavy breathing]

Well, looky who's back, and seriously rocking the leather.

Who's the boy toy?

Kelly was right.

You are the prophesied one.

KELLY: This is Dalton.

He's with the Knights of Sumeria.

The who with the huh?

It's an honor to meet you.

I've been waiting for the chance to battle this ancient evil my entire life.

Yeah, he's kind of a fan.

Who's the kid?

Oh, believe it or not, that's my daughter.

[chuckling]

Sandy.

Ah, Mandy.

Brandy.

[sobbing]

And f*ck you.

We're still getting to know each other.

Okay, team, it looks like evil's back, and Elk Grove is ground zero.

Kelly, Pablo.

Other guy, you up for this?

One for all, and all for one.

Uh, cute, but no.

Pablo?

Say it like you mean it.

Ghost Beaters are back!

f*cking A, right we are!

And evil...

oh, we're coming for you.

I think now is the appropriate time Pablo.

[deep inhale]

[in strained voice]

Sandy?

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool ♪

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool ♪

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool ♪

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool ♪

[disco music playing]

♪ She's crazy like a fool ♪

♪ What about it Daddy Cool ♪

♪ I'm crazy like a fool ♪

♪ What about it Daddy Cool ♪

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool ♪

♪ Daddy, Daddy Cool ♪