11x09 - Mommy Boy

[bunniefuu]

TEDDY: Ooh, Ham and Egger!

We don't have ham and eggers, do we?

- No.
- N-Not the food, the movie.

They're gonna show it tonight on TV.

- "Don't Count Out The Ham and Egger."
- It sounds delicious.

- It's a boxing movie.
- Oh, boo.

"Ham and Egger" is an old boxing term for fighters who don't have much left in 'em.

Guys who agree to fight just to earn enough for a meal.

- Like ham and eggs?
- Exactly.

I mean, that movie's kind of a poor man's Rocky, right?

Are you nuts, Bob?

The Ham and Egger is way better than Rocky.

I have to admit I never saw it, Teddy.

But didn't they have the song in it called "Look of the Lion"?

Yeah. What's your point?

Well... (chuckles) Rocky III had "Eye of the Tiger."

A totally different animal, Bob.

- Hmm. I mean...
- Just do yourself a favor, watch it tonight... Love, loss, blood, revenge.

You had me at blood and revenge, Teddy.

You know, I used to take boxing classes at the Y before you kids were born.

- Y did you stop? (chuckles)
- Did you accidentally

- k*ll a guy in the ring?
- No.

Did you accidentally pants a guy in the ring?

- How many fights did you win, all of them?
- Well...

- ? Ten?
- Uh... it's...

- Any?
- Okay, I never actually got in the ring.

- What?!
- I only did it for a week, okay?

I-I don't know why I brought it up.

I didn't think you guys would ask so many questions.

Hey, Mike. Table for one?

Just kidding, I know you're just dropping off the mail.

Mm-hmm. It's funny every time you say that.

- I know.
- You got a package today.

(sing-songy): Ooh, I bet it's the sheet masks I ordered for "Spa-turday."

- Gimme, gimme, gimme.
- Wait, there's a P in Saturday?

(groans) This is like the D in Wednesday all over again.

No, it's Mom and Gene's weekly spa time.

Every Saturday before dinner, me and my Geenie Weenie get together for a little mother-son pampering.

Eh, I do that with my truck.

We get in our swim suits, put on some spa music, hop in the tub, I vent to Mom about my week, and we just spa.

And I definitely don't pee in the tub even a little bit.

Okay, then, so long.

- You're welcome.
- Oh.

- Uh, thanks, Mike.
- Yeah.

Here, Linda. You got a letter.

Ooh, it's from Janine over at Yours Truly Stationery.

Oh, it's happening.

She's starting the group for female business owners that she was talking about.

"Inspiring local businesswomen sharing stories of their challenges and successes."

That sounds great, Lin.

I know, I'm so excited.

This group is made for me.

I'm a woman and a restaura-saur.

- A-A what?
- A restaura-saur.

(chuckles) It's-it's restauranteur.

- What did I say?
- Restaura-saur, like dinosaur.

- Well, Mom's way sounds cooler.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Look at us Belcher girls.

- Local businesswomen sticking together.
- Rawr!

Business Woman Dinosaurs... I think that's a show on PBS.

MAN: Hey, string, want to tangle?

Oh. What? What'd I tell you about punching the string?

- Sorry, boss.
- What's the matter with you?

- You think we can sell dented string?
- No.

So... he punches string?

He's training, he works in a string factory.

It makes sense.

Pretty cool his boss doesn't yell at him for having his shirt off, too.

Look at him showing those spools who's boss.

Yeah, I pity the spools.

This is just basically the same exact story as Rocky.

Should we just rent that?

Sorry, Dad. We're Ham and Egger kids.

They're showing part two tomorrow... you in?

- Ham straight.
- I'm out.

But remind me to show you good movies sometime.

Thank you, Janine. I'll, uh, see you then, bye.

Oh boy. Gene's not gonna like this.

- Maybe I shouldn't do it.
- Do what?

The businesswomen's meetings.

They're during Spa-turday.

Oh. Well, do you want to go?

- I really, really want to go.
- Then you should.

Gene can handle it. I think.

- Just do spa day on another day.
- Maybe.

Hey, what if you tell Gene I can't do Spa-turday?

- Hell no.
- Right, right.

- Gene?
- I'm not eating my secret brisket stash!

No, that's not why I'm here.

Oh. Then do you want some?

No. No, thank you, Gene.

Oh, well, maybe just a little. Mmm.

It's good. So, you know how I'm gonna do that inspiring women's business people thingy?

The future is female.

Yeah it is.

Well, it's once a week for six weeks

- It's only six weeks.
- Uh-huh.

And the meetings are on Saturdays during our spa time.

What?!

The, uh... meetings are on Saturdays during our spa time, and it starts tomorrow.

No!

You made me spit out secret brisket!

LINDA: All right,

I'm off to my first meeting.

- (Gene grumbles)
- Gene, are you sure we just can't move

Spa-turday to tomorrow?

Again with this, Mother?

Spunday? Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds?

Yeah, Mom.

Besides, Sunday is "Mommy and Me Salami and Tea" time.

You guys keep a busy schedule.

Gene, your father has nicely offered to sub for me.

You're not gonna miss a thing.

Uh, yeah, I'm, uh, looking forward to it.

I-I could use a deep scrub.

Dad, do you even know where your T-zone is?

Uh, is that my tushy?

Lucky guess.

It's not gonna be the same.

It'll be great.

In a different, hairy dad kind of way.

Okay, I'm off to the community center.

Bye, everyone. (smooching)

Stay out of my room.

Hello, Linda. Thanks for coming.

Aw, thanks for having me, Janine.

Women, women, women, go!

So, eh, for our first meeting, we're all wearing stickers with our names and the name of our business.

Go ahead and put on one

- and have a seat.
- Okay.

♪ Businesswomen, look at us go ♪

♪ Doing all the business from our head to our toes ♪

♪ I feel so empowered, I feel ten out of ten ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm talking lots of business ♪

♪ With these businesswomen ♪

♪ Where should I put my name tag ♪

♪ Should I put it here, no, should I put it here, no ♪

♪ Should I put it here? ♪

No, here.

- (vocalizing)
- Uh, Linda?

Huh? Oh, sorry.

Sorry, just excited, go ahead.

(Janine chuckles)

Hey, Constance.

Hiya, Ham and Egger.

You look beautifuller than even last time.

- Aw, no I don't.
- Here, I brought you something.

- It's string.
- Yellow! My favorite.

Nothing's too good for my best girl.

- Okay, then, see you around.
- Oh, bye.

- Damn.
- I know all sequels are good, but this is amazing.

Oh, you're still watching this?

I feel like I failed you.

Says the guy who probably never got Mom string.

And his nipples are out right now.

GENE: Father, Spa-turday has officially started.

Coming. Rocky rules, Ham and Egger sucks.

- Get out.
- Wrong.

(soothing music playing)

Aah! Sorry. I wasn't ready for the mask. It's alarming.

Here's yours.

Great. You and your mom were really, uh, excited about these things, right?

That was a long time ago.

I was a different boy then.

Now I'm a man.

Uh, okay. Here we go.

- (grunting)
- Aah!

- Careful.
- Sorry. Okay, all right.

I like the music.
What is that... flutes?

It's a Norwegian waterfall and pan pipes.

Oh, look. They already have eye, nose and mouth holes.

- Great. I have all of those.
- Yep.

So, you want to vent about your week?

- No thank you.
- You know, Gene, it's-it's good for your mom to do stuff for herself.

Like, uh, for instance, this women's business owners group.

I know! Everything's fine!

Gene, I-I think it's just important...

Oh, wait, my mustache is getting in the way.

Maybe I should try and tear a mustache hole?

Oops, too much. Let me just patch this up.

Uh, uh-oh.

Mom's mustache wouldn't have been an issue, probably.

But her eyebrows are.

Anyway, I was just saying I think it's important for your mom to get to do her own stuff.

She's not just a mom, she's a person.

If she's not just a mom, then why is her name Mom?

Well, she's also Linda.

Sounds weird, but I believe you.

And it's important forme to do stuff like this.

I didn't know my face could feel this fresh.

(Gene grumbling)

LOUISE: Look at Ham and Egger go.

That idiot Handsome Joe is gonna look more like What Happened to Your Face Joe after this.

Do you think that's all real sweat, or did they spray sweet, sweet movie sweat on them to make them glisten like that?

We should get really good at fighting.

- We should?
- Yeah.

It's our only ticket out of this dump.

I mean, it's modest, but it's ours.

And you never know when we'll have to face our own Handsome Joe in a championship fight.

Huh. Good point. Glisteny Handsome Joe.

- Yeah.
- You know, if you want,

I could teach you a few things.

(laughs): What? You? (scoffs)

You've never even been in a fight, Tina.

Yeah, but remember that time I dreamt that I was fighting that inflatable tube man from the car dealership?

- No.
- Well, Dad came in to check on me, and I accidentally punched him in my sleep and he screamed and maybe cried a little even though he said he didn't.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

So? Huh?

Okay, you can teach me.

- Yes!
- GENE: Ow!

- BOB: Sorry.
- You put a lemon slice on my eye instead of a cucumber!

I got confused by all the food in the bathroom.

Lemons are for the water, cucumbers are for the eyes.

And salt and vinegar chips are for the mouth.

Hi, everyone. How was Spa-turday?

- Compromised!
- How-how was the meeting?

Oh, it was amazing.

Businesswomen supporting other businesswomen.

Networking, sharing experiences.

I feel so... (grunts)

You know? (grunts) Do I look... (grunts)

Do I look (grunts) to you, huh?

Uh, yeah, you do, kind of.

Well, I don't need your approval, mister.

Just kidding. I'll take it.

Well, glad you enjoyed it, Mother.

I did. I kind of feel like doing one-armed pushups.

Well, Spa-turday was Blah-turday without you.

Hey, maybe I can... go to next week's meeting with you?

Aw, Gene, that's sweet you want to see what Mommy's doing, but it's for ladies only.

No fair. Women have it all.

Aw, my poor sad little boy. I hate seeing him like this.

I'm gonna go tell him that I'm not gonna go to the meetings anymore and that women are... stupid.

Lin, no. Gene'll be okay.

Right. Right. Well, then I'm gonna go pee.

A little came out when I was thrusting before.

Let's go home, huh? You did your best.

Five... six... seven...

I haven't done my best yet.

(grunts)

The music is weird. Is the music weird?

- No talking.
- Shush.

I want to be that good, Tina.

You're gonna have to train me harder than you've ever trained anyone.

Including that first training bra you had.

(exhales) Okay.

TINA: All right, kid.

We've been training all week for this.

Lot of jump rope, lot of shadow boxing our shadows.

You ready to throw some punches?

- Ready.
- Okay, I'll go first.

Is that how it works? We take turns?

- I think so.
- Okay, bring it.

Oh, boy. Here comes the thunder!

- Let's do it!
- Are you sure you want the full thunder?

- Yeah.
- Maybe I'll just start

- with a little lightning.
- Don't hold back, T, come on.

Here I go!

(sighs) I don't want to hurt you.

Tina, we're wearing pillows. Bring it!

Stop it, you two. You're gonna break something.

- I mean, not at this rate.
- Where's Gene?

I got to say goodbye before I go to my meeting.

Gene? Goodbye.

(melancholy tune playing)

Gene? I'm heading to the meeting, so...

I just wanted to say bye.

And I love you. And you're my precious angel.

- Uh-huh.
- Can Mama get a little hug?

Okay, fine, a to
-second hug, but that's it.

And I'm gonna smell you a little, but just remember that I'm still angry.

- (sniffs)
- Oh, Gene. You know what?

If you really want to come with me,

- I guess that's okay.
- Yeah?

Yeah. I mean, it might be boring for you, but...

Then I'll bring my homework to do, quietly.

I assume I have some.
I've never checked.

And you got to be a good little boy.

I'll be a regular Shirley Temple.

Oh, you're doing that with our pillows? Okay.

- Tina, you can do this.
- Whoa.

That's-that's not how you punch.

All right, Gene's coming with me to the meeting tonight.

Just got to grab some stuff. Uh, homework stuff.

He's going with you? So no Spa-turday?

I mean, I could use a little exfoliating. I think.

I mean, we all probably could.

Okay, time for a new trainer.

Dad, you want to teach me and Tina how to fight?

You know, since you used to go to a boxing gym for a week?

- Really?
- Yeah. Turns out the only punch

I'm good at is the Hawaiian kind.

Actually, I'm not that good at that, either.

I put too much water in it.

Uh, great. I'll definitely show you some stuff.

Hook. Jab. Uppercut. Boom-boom.

Just kidding. Boom-boom's not real.

- We know.
- This is gonna be fun.

- Uh, let me go change.
- I'm ready.

Okay, bye, my boxing babies.

- Come on, Gene.
- Right behind you, Mama.

Have fun at the businesswomen's meeting, I guess.

- Why do you want to go?
- To learn.

(whispers): I'm not losing mom to the cutthroat business world.

What do you mean? It's only six weeks.

Yeah, but she'll get all the tools she needs to climb the corporate ladder and become president of all restaurants and have to move to New York City.

- Or Fort Lauderdale.
- Okay. So what's your plan?

I'm gonna show Mom what she's missing.

After tonight, she'll want to quit that group and Spa-turdays will be back on, baby.

Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.

I know. Great idea, right? Bye.

I'm so smart, I'm so smart, I'm so smart.

Um, uh, bye.

Hi, everyone. I hope you don't mind, my son Gene wanted to come and see

- what this is all about.
- Hello.

- Hi. - Hello.
- Women only!

Uh, Gene is just gonna sit quietly and observe while he does some homework. Right, Gene?

You won't even know I'm here.

Unless I sneeze or fart or sneeze-fart, in which case I'll say "excuse me."

Okay, let's jump in. Tonight we'll talk about how we can empower each other.

Empowered Women Empowering Women.

Or E.W.E.W. for short.

Or maybe "ew, ew"?

Oh, no, not that.

Well, last week empowered this lady.

I applied what we talked about.

All that "grow change to change growth" crap.

You mean "you have to be open to change in order to grow and make change"?

That's what I said. I made a lot of change, and we made a lot of change. Cha-ching.

And I grew a lot. As a person.

The sex has never been better.

Oh, that's... very good.

GENE: Sorry to interrupt, but can someone point me to the bathroom?

I have to do something that rhymes with soup and might have the same consistency.

It's just down to the right.

Hmm.

So, it's not exactly a side of beef, but it's, uh, beef chunks.

And the bag's thick, so I think it'll be good to punch.

I mean, I'd probably break it,

- but you guys won't.
- Okay, big sh*t.

Plus, beef is good enough for Rocky, right?

It's fine, if you have absolutely no giant spools of string.

- We-we don't.
- You checked?

I don't need to check, Tina.

Come on, give it a go. Punch the chunks.

Okay, so like this? (grunts)

Oh, my God, no. Are you closing your thumb in your fist?

- Yeah.
- You can break your thumb that way.

- It did hurt a little.
- And you got to keep your wrist straight.

How's this? (shouts)

(chuckles): No, no, that's not good.

Uh, you don't punch with both hands at the same time, Louise.

But it's twice the punch, Dad. (shouts)

- No.
- I got the look of the lion.

(roaring)

Oh, my God.

JANINE: So, yeah, I think we're realizing that some of us have a problem with being too nice.

I have a huge freaking problem

- with being too nice.
- (soothing music playing in distance)

Wha-What is that?

Oh, boy. I'll, uh, I'll go check it out.

You guys keep going. I'll be right back.

(music continues)

Hmm.

What the... What's going on?

Gene, are you trying to Say Anything... me with spa music?

Oh, thank God you finally got here.

I've been holding this thing up for, like, seconds.

Anyway, since you're here, how about some scented moisturizer?

Gene, sweetie, I need to go back to the meeting.

But you seem so tense.
All those business issues.

And the eucalyptus is so soothing.

I mean, the eucalyptus is relaxing...

But no. No, I got to go back to the meeting.

Ugh, I can't open it 'cause of the stuff on my hands.

- Gene, open the door.
- Beauty mud.

- No beauty mud.
- Yes beauty mud.

- It firms and tones.
- Stupid lotion.

Well, I guess you're trapped with me here forever.

Did I say forever? I meant for that to sound more casual.

Gene!

-Hah! Hah! Hah!
-Thumb out. Thumb out. Thumb out.

Okay, okay, let's stop for a second.

I feel like both of you are not listening to a word I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We heard. One hand.

Whatever. I think we're ready to spar.

- No, no. What? Wait. No.
- Yeah.

- Why not?
- Because you haven't learned any boxing.
You may have actually gotten worse at it.

- (pounding in distance)
- Oh, great. That's probably an intruder, and we don't know how to fight.

Puh. This is on you, Dad.

I'm gonna give him the two-punch!

Bob. It's me, Teddy.

I-I can see you. It's glass.

Blink twice if you're being robbed.

I was driving by, I saw your lights on.

- Are you in danger?
- Don't worry, Teddy. Everything's fine.

- It's not fine.
- Dad's scared to spar with us.

He's supposed to be teaching us how to fight, but all we're doing is hitting beef chunks.

Is "beef chunks" what you're calling Gene now?

- No. He's at his women's group.
- Got it.

So, sparring. That sounds fun.

Can I spar? We could call it "Spar-turday."

- Like Linda and Gene's thing.
- You can fight with us,

- but we're not calling it that.
- (Teddy groans)

GENE: This would go easier

if you would just give in to the mud.

- Ha!
- Damn it!

You stay here, Gene.

We'll talk about this later.

Ugh. I may as well leave this on.

It feels like it's working.
I'm so mad right now.

Oh, you're mad? You're the one that abandoned Spa-turday.

Our forefathers fought for this right.

Now's not a good time.

We will talk later.

Hi, everyone. I'm back. Sorry.

Oh, now's not a good time?

Well, when is a good time, Linda?

- "Linda"?
- Yeah. You're a real person, apparently, so if you're not Mom, you're Linda.

And I like Mom a whole lot more than I like Linda right now.

(gasps)

What's... on your face?

- Beauty mud.
- Beauty mud.

What is that mud made of? It smells amazing.

Kelp and magic.

So you like Mom better than Linda right now, huh, Gene?

Yes. Linda is a hardened businesswoman.

Mom is a fun lady who pays attention to me and makes a hell of a DIY body scrub.

I never should've let you come.

I never should have let you come.

- What?
- I've been far too permissive with you, and look where it's got us.

- In a way, this is my fault, too.
- Aah.

Is this part of the meeting?
Like a sketch or something?

No.

Okay, so remember: thumbs out, wrists straight.

- And float like a boat.
- Float like a butterfly.

Right. Boats float. Butterflies fly.

It's in the name, but whatever.

Okay, enough. Less gab, more jab.

(shouts)

Ow! Son of a...

- See?
- Yeah, Louise.

Keep your wrist straight.

- (grunts) Ow! Aah. I'm okay, I think.
- Oh, my God.

Here, let me just show you.

I'm dancing, I'm jabbing.

- Jab. Ow! Jab. Ow!
- Cool.

Did you hurt yourself, too? The expert?

No. No, I'm not hurt.
I think it's just... sympathy pain for you guys. (screeches)

Admit it, Dad, you're hurt. Worse than us.

Well, I've worked up an appetite.

Should we all take a break and get a burger?

I know a great place. (chuckles)

If Dad can even make a burger with that bruised ego.

I'm-I'm totally fine, Louise.

(breathy, high-pitched):
Let's go make Teddy a burger.

BOB (sighs): That-That's not a pretty patty.

It's got a good personality.

- Ah. No, it doesn't.
- Funny how it's all lumpy, seeing how your wrist is not messed up at all.

Okay, fine. I hurt myself.

Help me, Louise. Will you cut the tomato?

Tina, will you grab me a plate?

How's that burger coming?
Perfectly round, I hope.

Little worried about what I'm hearing out here.

Everything's under control.

- (groans)
- Ow.

Oh, that hurts.

Nope. That's not gonna work.

This is a disaster. I never should have sparred.

- I wasn't ready.
- Wait. What are you doing?

I don't know. Maybe dying.

- I always knew it would end this way.
- I'm gonna die, too.

(groans) I don't want to have to drag your bodies out of here.

How are we doing? I can't see anyone.

Wait a minute. We're not gonna die.

- We got to get up off the mat.
- We do?

Yeah, we do. Like Ham and Egger.

Uh, okay. Here we go.

(grunts)

(whimpers)

- (pained grunting)
- We can do this.

Hey, I feel bad. Forget it, right?

You tried your best.

We haven't tried our best... yet!

Yes! Ham and Egger.

(groans): Still a bad movie.

You're a bad movie.
Let's finish the job.

♪ Look of the lion ♪

♪ Starin' 'em down ♪

♪ Look of the lion... ♪

(distorted): Lay him out!

(distorted): Do it!

(song fades)

- We did it!
- Yeah, we did.

Here you go, Teddy. We did it.

That'll do, pig.

Sorry, that's from a different movie.

- Hmm. It's a little rare, Bob.
- ALL: What?!

Nothing. No. This is good.

LINDA: Gene, we can't keep talking about this.

This is a local businesswomen's group, not our bathtub.

Our bathtub isn't a place, it's a state of mind.

Look, Gene, I love all the stuff we do together, pretty much every day of the week.

Same here. Let's keep doing those things together all the time.

Honey, listen, being a mom is amazing.

And being your mom is even more amazing.

And I'll tell you something, I felt guilty about going to these meetings at first.

I thought I needed permission to do this, but really, I just needed to give myself permission.

But I love you so much, Mom.

Even though I'm upset
With you right now, I still want you to rub my tummy and play with my hair.

I love you, too, Gene, more than you could even know...

Not until you have your own kids.

And also, I need a little time for myself once in a while.

- And that's okay.
- So what do you want me to do?

Just let you do something for yourself, and I don't get to have you every minute of every day

- whenever I want?
- Oof. Cling-on alert.

Okay, this does sound like it sounded.

Oh, maybe I should just do th... that thing the group was talking about.

What, take advantage of the tax incentives offered to women-owned businesses?

No, earlier tonight when someone said something about having to change in order to grow.

Me. That was me.

I mean, it was me. I had to correct you.

I don't like change, but I want you to be happy, and I do want to grow.

I mean, not that fast, but little bits here and there.

And by the time I go to college or deejay college,

I'll only need to see you five times a week.

Aw. Come here, sweetie.

You'll always be my special little Genie Beanie.

- I'm sorry, Mom.
- Look at us.

(chuckles): We're getting mud everywhere.

- Should we go home?
- No, no, finish the meeting.

This time I promise I'll stay quiet.

Thank you, Gene.

Oh, well, that was inspiring.

I got goose bumps. Did anyone else?

I have shingles. Does that count?

LINDA: All right!

♪ Businesswomen, look at us go ♪

♪ Doing all the business from our head to our toes ♪

♪ I feel so empowered, I feel ten out of ten ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm talking lots of business ♪

♪ With these businesswomen ♪

♪ Where should I put my name tag ♪

♪ Should I put it here, no ♪

♪ Should I put it here, no ♪

♪ Should I put it here, no ♪

♪ Should I put it here, no ♪

♪ Should I put it here, no ♪

♪ Should I put it here, no ♪

♪ Should I put it here ♪

♪ No, should I put it here ♪

♪ No, should I put it here ♪

♪ No, should I put it here? ♪